Quotes from X-Files

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Man: Are you familiar with an agent named Fox Mulder?
Scully: Yes, I am.
Man: How so?
Scully: By reputation. He's an Oxford-educated psychologist, who wrote a monograph on serial killers and the occult that helped catch Monty Props in 1988. Generally thought of as the best analyst in the violent crimes section... He had a nickname at the academy... Spooky Mulder.

Scully: Oh my God, Mulder. It smells like... I think it's bile.
Mulder: Is there any way I can get it off my fingers quickly without betraying my cool exterior?

Scully: So did Boggs confess?
Mulder: No, it was five hours of Boggs "channeling." After three hours I asked him to summon up the soul of Jimi Hendrix and requested All Along the Watchtower. You know, the guy's been dead twenty years, but he still hasn't lost his edge.

Discussing the Lone Gunmen
Scully: Those were the most paranoid people I have ever met. I don't know how you could think that what they say is even remotely plausible.
Mulder: I think it's remotely plausible that someone might think you're hot.

Lone Gunman: UFOs caused the Gulf War Syndrome? That's why we like you, Mulder. Your ideas are weirder than ours.

Mulder: Whatever tape you found in the VCR, it isn't mine.
Scully: Good. Because I put it back in the drawer with all the other tapes that aren't yours.

Scully: Our "friend" from the CIA is about as unbelievable as his story. As is everything about this case. I mean, whatever happened to "Trust no one"?
Mulder: Oh, I changed it to "Trust everyone." Didn't I tell you?

Scully: According to the briefing, the prisoners escaped while hiding in a laundry cart.
Mulder: I don't think the guards have been watching enough prison movies.

Sometimes it just seems like everyone's having sex except for me.

Clyde Bruckman: Do you want to know how you're going to die?
Mulder: Yes I would.
Clyde Bruckman: No you don't

Clyde Bruckman: You know there are worse ways to go, but I can't think of a more undignified way than autoerotic asphyxiation.
Mulder: And whay are you telling me that?
Bruckman: Look, forget I mentioned it. It's none of my business.

Clyde Bruckman: He thinks he's psychic.
Is he?
Clyde Bruckman: I hope not

Mulder: Modell put the whammy on him.
Scully: Please explain to me the scientific nature of the whammy.

Mulder: Will you let me drive?
Scully: I'm driving. Why do you always have to drive? Because you're the guy? Because you're the big Macho Man?
Mulder: No, I was just never sure your little feet could reach the pedals.

Faulkner: The proper authorities showed up with a couple of men in black. One of them was disguised as a woman, but wasn't pulling it off. Like, her hair was red, but it was a little too red, you know? And the other one, the tall lanky one, his face was so blank and expressionless, he didn't seem human. I think he was a mandroid. The only time he reacted was when he saw the dead alien.
Mulder screams like a woman

Jose Chung: Alex Trebek? The game show host?
Scully: Mulder didn't say that it was Alex Trebek. It was just someone that looked incredibly like him.
Jose Chung: Did he? I mean, you were there.
Scully: Well, not exactly. I don't have any recollection of this. I was surprised to wake up the next morning to find Mulder asleep in my room.
Jose Chung: Oh!

Man In Black: No other object has been misidentified as a flying saucer more often than the planet Venus.

Jack Schaffer: I'm just the pilot. You ever flown a flying saucer? Afterwards, sex seems trite.

Lydon: I'm working on next month's Oscar nominations. Any preference?
Cigarette-Smoking Man: I couldn't care less. What I don't want to see is the Bills winning the Super Bowl. As long as I'm alive, that doesn't happen.
Jones: That'll be tough, sir. Buffalo wants it bad.
Cigarette-Smoking Man: So did the Soviets in '80.
Jones: What are you saying? That you rigged the Olympic hockey game?
Cigarette-Smoking Man: What's the matter? Don't you believe in miracles?

Cigarette-Smoking Man: Life is like a box of chocolates. A cheap, thoughtless, perfunctory gift that nobody ever asks for.

Scully: Your contact, while interesting in the context of science fiction, was, at least in my memory, recounting a poorly-veiled synopsis of an episode of Rocky and Bullwinkle.

Mulder: Where's the writer? I want to talk to the writer.

Mulder: Do you know where she is?
Scully: In a mental institution.
Mulder: I'd go with you, but I'm afraid they'd lock me up.
Scully: Me too.

Mulder: I once saw Elvis in a potatochip.

Mulder to Krycek: You´re an invertebrate scum sucker, whose moral dipstick is about two drops short of bone dry.

Mr Nutt: I've taken in your All-American features, your dour demeanor, your unimaginative necktie design and concluded you work for the government. An FBI agent. But do you see the tragedy here? I have mistakenly reduced you to a stereotype. A caricature. Instead of regarding you as a specific, unique individual.
Mulder: But I am an FBI agent.

Byers: You should call upon our service more often.
Langly: We show a talent for these G-man activities.
Mulder: You mean if I want somebody whacked on the knee with a lead pipe?
Frohike: Only if you want it done right.
Mulder: Krycek. I thought guns where against the law here.
Krycek: You know what they say; when guns are outlawed...
Krycek: Hey, you go underground, you gotta learn to live with the rats.
Mulder: I´m sure you had no trouble adapting

Skinner: Who wrote this report?
"Mulder": I did, Sir.
Skinner: You spelled "Federal Bureau of Investigation" wrong.
"Mulder": It's a typo.
Skinner: Twice.

Suzanne Modeski: to The Lone Gunmen No matter how paranoid you are, you're not paranoid enough.

John Byers: My name is John Fitzgerald Byers. I was born on November 22nd, 1963.
Detective John Munch: Seriously?
Byers: I was named after JFK. Before the assassination, my parents were going to call me Bertram.
Det. Munch: Lucky you.

Mulder: Hey, Scully.
Scully: Yes?
Mulder: I love you.
Scully: Oh, brother...

Mulder: I have seen the life on this planet, Scully, and that is exactly why I am looking elsewhere.

Scully: It's not ice cream. It's a non-fat tofutti rice dreamsicle.

Arthur Dales: Arthur Dales is my brother. My name also happens to be Arthur Dales. It's the same name, different guy. The other Arthur, he moved to Florida the lucky bastard. Now, our parents weren't exactly big in the imagination department when it came to names. If it would help you wrapping your little head around this stupefying mystery, Agent Mulder, we had a sister named Arthur, too and a goldfish.

Mulder: I'm not wearing any pants right now.
Scully: Hm?

To the Lone Gunmen
Det. Munch: Here's a tip: aluminum foil. It makes a lovely hat and it blocks out the government's mind-control rays. It'll keep you guys out of trouble.

Glaser: If we become blinded by the beauty of nature we may fail to see its cruelty and violence.
Dana Scully: Walt Whitman?
Glaser: No, "When Animals Attack." On the FOX Network.

Mulder: This is all wrong, Scully. This is not how the story is supposed to end.
Scully: What do you mean?
Mulder: Dr. Frankenstein pays for his evil ambitions, yes. But the monster's supposed to escape to go search for his bride.
Scully: There's not going to be any bride, Mulder. Not in this story.
Mulder: Well, where's the writer? I want to speak to the writer.

Scully's flashing back to the case facts
Scully: Mulder, are you okay?
Mulder: dazed Who's the black private dick who's a sex machine with all the chicks? Shaft! Can ya dig it? They say this cat Shaft is a bad mutha— Shut yo' mouth! I'm talkin' bout Shaft!
Mulder: over I did not!

Scully: Mulder, please just keep reminding him you were drugged.
Mulder: Will you stop that! Stop that.
Scully: It couldn't hurt.
Skinner: Scully? Mulder?
Mulder: I was drugged!

Mulder: It's a conspiracy wrapped in a plot inside a governement agenda.

Krycek: You must be losing it, Mulder. I can beat you with one hand.
Mulder: Is that how you like to beat yourself?
Krycek cocks gun
Mulder: If those were my last words, I can do better.

Mulder: They say when you talk to God it's prayer. But when God talks to you, it's schizophrenia.

Referring to the Lewinsky scandal
Mulder: It's 1998, the world is at peace. There's a little trouble at our White House but that'll blow over... so to speak.

Scully: I'd kiss you if you weren't so damn ugly.
Morris (as Mulder): yelling out the window Take a picture. It'll last longer.
Mulder (as Morris) through clenched teeth: If I ... shoot him is that murder or suicide?
Scully: Neither, if I do it first.

Scully: Mulder... None of that really happened out there tonight. That was all in our heads, right?
Mulder: It must have been.
Scully: Not that, uh, my only joy in life is proving you wrong.
Mulder: When have you proved me wrong?

Mulder: Wow. Admit it, all you want to do is play house. Woman! Get back in here and make me a sandwich!
Scully throws a rubber glove at him
Mulder: Did I not make myself clear?

Upon seeing a body in two pieces.
Dana Scully: So, should we arrest David Copperfield?
Fox Mulder: Yes. But not for this.

Scully: Spontaneous Human Combustion.
Mulder: in disbelief Scully!
Scully: Well isn't that where you're going with this?
Mulder: "Dear Diary, today my heart leapt when Agent Scully suggested Spontaneous Human Combustion".
Scully: Mulder, there are one or two somewhat well-documented cases.
Mulder nods
Scully: Mulder, shut up.

Scully: Mulder, this is a needle in a haystack. These poor souls have been dead for 50 years. Let them rest in peace. Let sleeping dogs lie.
Mulder: Well I won't sit idly by while you hurl cliches at me. Preparation is the father of inspiration.
Scully: Necessity is the mother of invention.
Mulder: The road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom.
Scully: Eat, sleep, and be merry for tomorrow we die.
Mulder: I scream, you scream, we all scream for nonfat tofutti rice dreamsicle.

Scully: Agent Mulder, can we have a word for a second?
Mulder: Excuse me. What is it?
Scully: What is it? Mulder, have you noticed that we're on television?
Mulder: I don't think it's live television, Scully. She just said *bleep*.

Skinner: Agent Mulder, Mr. Federman will accompany you today to Christ's Church where he will act as an observer on this case. You will extend to him every courtesy and protection you would a friend of mine and a friend of the Bureau's. Agent Scully, I require your services here for the morning.
Mulder: Sir, have I pissed you off in a way that's more than normal?

Scully: We had this wacky nun in Catholic school—Sister Callahan—we used to call her Sister Spooky because she would tell us scary stories all the time.
Mulder: Twisted sister. My kind of nun.
Scully: Well she would hold up an old piece of wood with a rusty nail in it, and she would say, "This is an actual piece of the cross that Christ's wrist was nailed to." Or she'd show us a vial of red liquid and say that it was John the Baptist's blood or something.
Mulder: She'd be in prison today. You realize that.

Morris: You guys are the Lone Gunmen aren't you? You guys are my heroes. I mean look at the crap you print.
Byers: We uncover the truth.
Morris: The truth? That's what's so great about you monkeys. Not only do you believe the horse pucky we create, you broadcast it as well. I mean look at this!

Morris: I was a "man in black."

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