KISS KISS, BANG BANG

Gwen: Excuse me. Have you seen a blowfish driving a sportscar? The woman points the way Thank you.
Woman: Bloody Torchwood.

Jack: Hey kids. Did you miss me? laughs

Owen: Where were you?
Jack: I found my doctor.
Owen: Did he fix you?
Jack: What's to fix? You don't mess with this level of perfection.

Mugger: Come any closer I'll open up his neck.
Captain John Hart: Fine.
Mugger: What?
Hart: Which artery do you normally sever?
Mugger: I'm not bluffing!
Hart: Well see, now you've given yourself away. Only someone who's bluffing ever says they aren't.

Gwen: Good in charge again, you.
Jack: I was hoping for a little power struggle. Resolved by some naked wrestling.

Gwen: ...He's supposed to be our boss and we know nothing about him. Drives me crazy.
Ianto: It is more fun when he's around though.
Owen: Yeah. No. Definitely.
Gwen: Yeah it is.

Hart: You put on weight.
Jack: You're losing your hair.
Hart: What are you wearing?
Jack: Captain Jack Harkness. Note the stripes.
Hart: Captain John Hart. Note the sarcasm.
Jack: Hey, I worked my way up through the ranks.
Hart: I bet the ranks we very grateful. I need a drink.
Jack: I thought you'd never ask.
Jack: So, uh, how was rehab?
Hart: Rehabs. Plural.
Jack: Drink, drugs sex and—
Hart: Murder.
Jack: You went to murder rehab?
Hart: I know. Ridiculous. The odd kill, who does it hurt?
Jack: You clean now?
Hart: Yeah. Kicked everything. Living like a priest.

Hart: You've got a team. How sweet. Oh. Pretty little friends. No blond though. You need a blond.
Owen: God, he's worse than Jack.
Hart: Do you have a team name? I love team names. C'mon.
Jack: Torchwood.
Hart: Oh. Not Excalibur? Uh, Blizzard? Bikini Cops? No? Torchwood. Oh dear.

Jack: We go back.
Hart: Excuse me. We more than go back. We were partners.
Ianto: In what way?
Hart: In every way. And then some.
Jack: It was two weeks.
Hart: Except the two weeks was trapped in a time loop so we were together for five years. It was like having a wife.
Jack: You were the wife.
Hart: You were the wife.
Jack: No. You were the wife.
Hart: Oh, but I was a good wife.
Tosh: I bet you were. Owen looks at her. What? Pretend you haven't noticed he's cute.
Hart: They're just shy.

Hart: I muted the com system after we left the Palace Under the Pavement. I love my little wrist strap.

Hart: Your friends are bleeding, dying. And you barely have time to save them.

Hart: Pretty and resilient. Is that even fair.
Gwen: Maybe you didn't realize. you can beat, shoot, threaten and even poison us and we keep coming back. Stronger every time.
Hart: Well I think you oughta know your boss is splayed out on the— Jack walks in pavement. Now that's impressive. Seriously, you can earn a fortune in the Vegas galleries with an act like that. Go on, how's it work?
Jack: I can't die.
Hart: No but really?
Jack: No but really.

Hart: So I'm thinking 50-50, even split. Good deal. Or if anyone fancies an orgy. Ianto contemplates it for a moment

Hart: The orgy's still an offer by the way. Especially now I've got the cuffs out.

Hart: I think I'm starting to see what he likes about this place. She's beautiful. He's stunning.
Gwen: Don't you ever stop?
Hart: What? Five minutes to live you want me to behave? Oh that's gorgeous.
Gwen: That's a poodle.

SLEEPER

PC Andy: No other reason I could think of for keeping sports equipment in the bedroom.
Jack: Oh, you should come by my house for a game of hockey some time.

Ianto: "Just us. In this room. For as long as it takes." Terrifying.
Jack: Really?
Ianto: Absolutely. Shivers down my spine.
Jack: You don't look scared.
Ianto: It passed.

Jack: Okay Beth. You make lightbulbs blow, we can't break your skin. What planet are you from?

Tosh: We have to take it easy, Jack. Stop at the first sign of trouble.
Ianto: Or the first sign of exploding.

Beth: Your bedside manner's rubbish.
Gwen: You should see his manners in bed. They're atrocious. Apparently. So I've heard.
Ianto: Oh, they are. I remember this one time—
Jack: Ahem.

Gwen: Do you feel human?
Beth: Yes.
Gwen: Yes. Well then you are. What makes us human is in our minds not our bodies.

Jack about Beth: What did she do? Is it a virus, a lockdown?
Tosh: No, she's just turned off the lights.
Jack: What is it with her and lightbulbs?

Jack: Tosh, you switched off the tranceiver?
Tosh: Yes.
Jack: Are you sure?
Tosh: Well I was until you asked.

Gwen about Patrick Granger: Why would anybody want to kill him?
Ianto: Also the city coordinator. Takes charge of the city in case of major emergencies. Has all the security protocols.
Owen: How'd you know about that?
Ianto: I know everything. And it says so on the bottom of the screen.

Jack: Come on! Have a little faith. With a dashing hero like me on the case how can we fail?
Ianto: He is dashing, you have to give him that.

Owen: What if they can't stop it?
Tosh: They'll stop it.
Owen: Yeah, but if they can't?
Ianto: Then it's... all over.
Owen: Let's all have sex.
Ianto: And I thought the end of the world couldn't get any worse.

TO THE LAST MAN

Tosh: You're the only one who can stop this. If you don't it's the end of everything!

Gerald: Tommy, I think you'd better come with us.
Tommy: Why?
Gerald: Don't worry. I'm Gerald, this is Hannah. We'll look after you.
Tommy: But who are you?
Gerald: We're Torchwood.

Owen: Gets harder every year.
Ianto: Good left hook though.

Gwen: Jack have you got any more of those pretty boys in the freezer?
Jack: Hands off, Missy. Tosh got there first.

Owen: He's a frozen soldier from 1918.
Ianto: Nobody's perfect.

Tommy: Give you women the vote, equal rights, look what happens, eh?

Tommy: A million British soldiers killed during the Great War. It's like walking into hell.

Tommy: Seems like there's always a war somewhere.
Tosh: It's not exactly a war.
Tommy: Looks like one.

Tommy: Did you never wonder if we're worth saving? The human race?
Tosh: Yes. I think we're worth saving. Wars and all.

Jack: Okay. Linear time. Screwed up time. Imagine your life is a straight line. From birth to death. Now try drawing that line on the paper without straightening it out.
Gwen: It's impossible.
Jack: That's why we've gotta stop it.

Owen: No, I understand. I didn't think you had some fetish for defrosted men. I just, um, don't want you to get hurt. That's all. If you have to say goodbye.

Tommy: So I'll be saving the world in some pajamas. How daft is that?

Tosh: Does Tommy know what happens to him?
Jack: No.
Tosh: If he asks then what do I say?

Jack: This time tomorrow he'll be back in 1918.
Ianto: His own time. Would you go back to yours? If you could?
Jack: Why? Would you miss me?
Ianto: Yup.
Jack: I left home a long time ago. I don't know where I really belong. Maybe that doesn't matter anymore.

MEAT

Gwen: Have you ever eaten alien meat?
Jack: Yeah.
Gwen: What was it like?
Jack: He seemed to enjoy it.

Ianto: Did you bring the alarm deactivator? Owen shoots it Well that's one way of doing it.

Rhys: What exactly do I need protecting from, huh?
Gwen: I catch aliens!

Rhys: Have you been brainwashed? Is that it, yeah? Is that what's happened? 'Cause you are talking some high-grade shit here.

Tosh about the alien: If we understood how it worked we could feed the world.
Ianto: We could release a single.

Jack: All you did tonight was mess things up. Now we have to think of a way to get back in and thanks to you they'll have tightened security.
Rhys: Well if you'd stopped and asked me exactly what I saw in there instead of showing off about the place—
Jack: Do I show off?
Ianto: Just a bit.
Rhys: —You'd know that I got out by telling them I wanted a job as a delivery boy. So rather than cock things up I found you a way to get in. But if you can't handle that, Big Boy, then you can stuff it.
Jack: This is quite homoerotic.
Gwen stepping in: No no no no... Jack, he is not getting us in.
Jack: Team meeting. to Rhys You too.

Owen: We've handled bigger than this. Why don't we just storm in, guns in the air, and arrest 'em.
Jack: These guys aren't organized criminals. If we go in, guns blazing, they'll kill the evidence and run.
Owen: I wasn't suggesting blazing. Just waving.

Rhys to Jack: You're not gay by any chance, are you?

ADAM

Owen: Tosh, do you really think I look like a rodent?

Jack: I let go of his hand. It was the worst day of my life. It's the last day I want to remember.

Tosh: You write about artifacts in your diary?
Ianto: Among other things.

Adam: What's wrong?
Ianto: My diary. You're not in it. Everyone else is. Why would I leave you out when you've been here so long? Like I'm remembering a man who doesn't exist.

Adam: All human record is a lie. You twist it into what you want to believe.

Rhys: Do you remember that?
Gwen: No. It felt like the first time. But it was nice.

Adam: Jack, you know me. You recruited me three years ago.
Jack: All I know is that when I think of my team I see you there but I don't feel anything for you. No pride, no warmth.

Jack: Let me take you back to before we all met.

Owen: I don't do flowers. And I definitely don't do apologies.

Jack: I found your diary. And for the record, measuring tapes never lie.

RESET

Jack: Sunddenly in an underground mortuary, on a wet night in Cardiff, I hear the sound of a nightengale. Miss Martha Jones.

Jack: Dr. Jones is from UNIT.
Gwen: Oh, um, sorry. I get a bit, a bit confused. Which one's UNIT?
Jack: Intelligence, military, cute red caps, um, the acceptable face of intelligence gathering on aliens. We're more ad hoc. But better looking!

Jack: Come on Martha, be honest. You just came all this way to see me.
Martha: Still struggling to conquer your shyness, huh, Jack?

Jack: So. End of the World Survivors Club.
God, I am so glad to see you, Jack.
Jack: See, you did come all this way to see me. It's the jawline. Once seen, always yearned for.

Martha: We must be the only two people on the planet.
Gwen: I know. What are we doing wrong.

Jack: Raise your game,, girls.

Owen: So you and Jack go back a long way?
Martha: Forward and back, really.
Owen: What brought you together?
Martha: Let's say... we were under the same Doctor.

Owen: Right. Listen, Marie, you're gonna have to level with us. This could be a matter of life and death. Have you ever had a serious medical condition?
Marie: Too good to be true.
Martha: What'd you mean?
Marie: I had HIV.
Martha: You're perfectly clear of antibodies. That's not medically possible.
Marie: That's the Reset.

Jack: I had a boyfriend who's nostrils flared when he was lying.

Jack: (to Owen) Grey is so not her color.

Martha: I know it's hard to belive Owen, but I wasn't thinking of you.

Jack: I'd rely on Martha if the world was ending. In fact I did.

Martha: So am I right in thinking that you and he...?
Ianto: We... dabble.
Martha: Yeah?
Ianto: Yeah.
Martha: So what's his dabbling like?
Ianto: Innovative.
Martha: Really?
Ianto: Bordering on the avant garde.
Martha: Wow.
Ianto: Oh yeah.

Jack (about Martha): Did I mention she was brilliant?

Copley: I see you're a postgraduate student at the moment.
Martha: That's right.
Copley: Studying what?
Martha: Creative writing. So I really need the cash.

Martha: Owen! Can you hear me, Owen?
Tosh: You've got to help him!
Jack: Owen, stay with me. Owen, look at me. Look at me. Owen, look right at me. Stay with me, Owen. Stay with me. Stay with me, buddy. Come on!
Martha: Owen, speak to me! He's dead.
Jack: Owen...

DEAD MAN WALKING

Owen: I'm really gonna need that hand back.
Jack: Owen?
Ianto: Two minutes, twenty.
Jack: But I'm not using the glove!
Owen: But I'm still here.
Ianto: Oh, here we go again.

Owen to Martha: Is it still necrophilia if I'm conscious?

Tosh: Owen! What I said before, when I thought you were dead—
Owen: I'm not dying, I'm dead. I'm a headless chicken I just haven't stopped running about yet.
Tosh: Well, when I told you I—
Owen: Yeah. You didn't mean it. I know.

Owen: God I'm gonna miss farting. And sex.
Jack: Sex more than farting, I hope.

Owen: You've read Proust?
Jack: Yeah. Well, no. We dated for awhile. He was really immature.
Owen: You know, none of us know whether to take you seriously when you say those things.
Jack: You've lived as long as I have, you don't make anymore up.

Tosh: Are we seriously going to act on something she "Googled"?

Owen: I can't sleep, I can't drink and I can't shag. And they are three of my favorite things.

Ianto: I have searched for the phrase "I shall walk the Earth and my hunger will know no bounds", but I keep get redirected to Weight Watchers.

Owen: It's here. I can feel it.
Tosh: Owen you're scaring me.
Owen: I'm not exactly reassuring myself.

Owen: So why are you here?
Jamie: They're trying to make me have it again. It didn't work, thought. The cancer just comes back. It makes my hair fall out. I'm gonna die. I might as well do it with my eyebrows.

Tosh: Did he really beat death?
Jack: Well you can never really beat death, never escape it. It's always in the shadows waiting.

A DAY IN THE DEATH

My name is Dr. Owen Harper. And this is my life. A life that is full of action, and violence, and work and wonder. And Secrets. Sex and love. And death. My death. The death I survived. The death I am now living for a— Except, this isn't living. Every day it's the same. I get up, get ready for work. The same as everyone else. The thing is, I'm not the same. I get to work and everyone's doing the same old thing. Babbling away about aliens, weddings. I'm not real. Three days ago I died and they think I'm fine. But they're wrong.

Maggie: You're dead.
Owen: Yeah I was brought back. Like Jesus, really. But without the beard, you know. Shit, I'm never gonna have a beard. Not that I wanted one you understand, but one day I—
Maggie: Okay, you're dead. That's clearly a bit shit and I'm sorry and everything but if you are dead then why are you here? You can't be wanting to jump. You can't die twice.
Owen: Sorry are you an expert?
Maggie: Sorry are you an idiot?

Owen: You're kinda cute when you babble.
Martha: And you're kinda cute when you're not chucking a scalpel about.
Owen: I'm making the sodding coffee. I mean c'mon, won't your bloke be missing you? How about Jack? Has he seen Jack? They always get jealous when they meet Jack.
Martha: Owen, I don't want your job. I'm trying to do mine.

Maggie: So she offers to help you and you push her away. Charming.
Owen: Yeah, hole in the chest. Sorry if I dont follow social niceties anymore.
Maggie: You mean you did before?
Owen: God you're a pain in the ass.

Jack: Thirty-six minutes. Not bad.
Owen: You were watching?
Jack: Skinny guy in tight jeans runs into water? I was taking pictures.

Owen: Heat sensors. they don't react to his movement I'm literally too cool for school.

Parker: You're Torchwood, yes? Did the American send you?
Owen: Yeah, he sent me. How do you know so much about us?
Parker: They could've sent that Japanese girl. I like her.
Owen: Yeah, well, I'm sorry. You got me.
Parker: Is she, uh, on your phone thing? That earpiece?
Owen: Yeah.
Parker: to Tosh Hello! Just to say you've got very lovely legs. You should show them off more.

Parker: Don't you sit there pontificating. You're just a boy, what do you know about anything? I've traveled the world. Fought in the war. Started my own business.Made a fortune. Married. Widowed. My collection, all of it. I've done so much. And this is where I ended up. Alone. Lying in my own piss, And do you know what I want?
Owen: Clean sheets?

Owen to Maggie: We all assume life's gonna be shit, don't we? It's all just darkness. But you know? Sometimes it's not.

SOMETHING BORROWED

FROM OUT OF THE RAIN

ADRIFT

FRAGMENTS

EXIT WOUNDS

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