Quotes from The OC
Main Page
(you can find more quotes to the right)
Seth to Ryan: Do you want to play Grand Theft Auto? It's pretty cool. You can like, steal cars
and... not that that's cool. Or uncool. I don't know... um...
Random Woman: Did I hear you were from Canada?
Ryan: Yes, you did.
Julie Cooper: Oh honey, I thought you were going to wear your hair down. Pulled back like that, it's a
little harsh on your angles.
Sandy Cohen: There's no need for sarcasm.
Seth: I'm not being sarcastic.
Sandy: Well, it's hard to tell sometimes.
Marissa driving : Why won't you tell me where we're going? This is pretty far away.
Seth: Oh, wow. Complaining. That's very interesting considering nobody invited you.
Marissa: Before I came along you were on a skateboard.
Summer Roberts: Still hasn't called you back? He was in lockup. Maybe he's into dudes now.
Kirsten: Ryan's gonna stay with us now.
Seth: Dude. You're a Cohen now. Welcome to a life of insecurity and paralyzing self-doubt.
Ryan panicked: You didn't tell me there was dancing.
Seth: Well if I told you there was dancing, I'd be here by myself right now.
Ryan: Because I don't really dance.
Seth: Neither do I. I just move well.
Seth: You know, you're a really... good barbecuetionist.
Like this quote? Check out the BBQ apron.
Seth: Wow. You just got your butt kicked and you didn't even fight back. Dude, you really are a Cohen.
Ryan: It's kind of a shady area up there. It's a hardcore neighborhood.
Seth: Dude, it's Long Beach, not Chechnya.
Seth: He has no idea that every day of third grade, you shared your lunch with that little skinny squirrel
who kept getting his nuts stolen by that fat squirrel.
Summer: I hated that mean squirrel.
Seth: What happens in Mexico stays in Mexico.
Ryan: What happens in Mexico?
Seth: I don't know, because it stays there. That's why we must go!
Summer: This is a nightmare. I'm sweating to death, driving ten miles an hour on, like, a rickshaw, listening
to this... music.
Seth: Hey, do not insult Death Cab.
Summer: It's like one guitar and a whole lot of complaining.
Like this quote? Check out the shirt.
Kirsten: Doesn't Seth look rad?
Sandy: Oh, you do look rad. Mad props, son.
Sandy: You're brave to face the preppy little savages. And I mean the teachers.
Anna: So, this is your crib? This is where all the magic happens?
Seth: Well, if by magic, you're referring to the card game, then, sadly, yes.
Ryan: Titans. What about Legion? That was kinda cooler.
Seth: The guy is in prison, man. Have you seen Oz? But, yeah, Legion was kinda cooler.
Seth: Ryan. That's extremely minty of you. I didn't even know they had musicals in Chino. I didn't even
know they had dancing. Or... laughter.
Ryan: That's because no one who lived there is as funny as you.
Seth: So, we finally agree I'm the funny one. Well look at that! Looks like we all learned some valuable lessons this Thanksgiving.
Ryan: You better pray for a Chrismukkah miracle.
Seth: I've got Moses and Jesus on my side, man.
Jimmy: Marissa and I were just trying to work out an appropriate punishment.
Julie: Oh really? Well way to rule with an iron fist, Stalin.
Seth: Separate seats, you guys. There's no sex in the champagne room.
Ryan: about Hailey That's because all her friends want to kick her ass. pause Sorry
about the language.
Sandy: Why? I want to kick her ass.
Sandy: Anyone there going to be doing drugs?
Seth: I hope so. Otherwise it'd be a lame-ass rock concert.
Sandy: Hey, Connect Four was happening. It gets my blood up.
Summer: I was being sarcastic.
Marissa: So was I.
Summer: Which we never were before Cohen showed up and taught us all irony. Jackass.
Luke about Oliver: I could hurt that guy.
Ryan: So could I.
Julie: Hey, you guys wanna join us? We're celebrating my new position.
Sandy: Ohhh, I'm not gonna touch that one.
Seth: You don't think that's a little crazy?
Luke: Have you met Oliver?
Kirsten: I sense sarcasm.
Seth: Well, you're perceptive, mother.
Sandy: You did musicals? I did a musical myself when I was in college.
Kirsten: Oh, please, someone stop him before he breaks into "Greased Lightning."
Seth: Do it, Dad! Travolta's your bitch!
Seth: My Jew-fro is frizzing out. I look like Screech.
Julie: Luke is just here to defrag my harddrive.
Seth: Maybe they're not having sex. Maybe they just go to spoon and watch Charlie Rose.
Seth: So what's the GPRA?
Ryan: I have no idea what you just said.
Seth: Game plan, Ryan Atwood.
Ryan: You're just using initials now?
Seth: Yeah. They save time.
Ryan: Well, not if you have friends that don't.
Seth: GP.
Ryan: Game Plan?
Seth: Good Point.
Sandy about the pancakes: Enjoy them now, because we only have two hours to unleaven the entire
house.
The Nana: Oh god. What am I doing here? I hate this state, I hate the sunshine, I hate the ocean, I hate
Schwarzenegger!
Summer: You're such a dandy, Cohen.
Seth offended: You're a dandy, woman!
Caleb: Besides, we're family.
Jimmy: Right. pause Are we? I can't keep track.
Julie: Just one little stripper. Who never hurt anyone. Just trying to make his way in the world... naked.
Like this quote? Check out the shirt.
Seth about Texas Hold 'Em: That's a card game, not hooker-talk.
Seth: There's really been no need for the Seth Cohen retaliatory zinger.
Kirsten on the phone, about Caleb: And he hates carnies.
Sandy: Note to self: hang with carnies.
Kirsten to Theresa: You won't want to drive. I'm an excellent driver. And an amazing parker.
Caleb: Do you hear a clicking on the phone?Every time I try to dial out I swear
I hear a clicking.
Julie: Okay, Nixon. Paranoid, much? What's going on with you, Cal? You're either hopped up on blow or something's seriously wrong.
Sandy: I've always liked Luke. Kind of a big Golden Retriever.
Ryan laughs: Actually, he kinda is.
Caleb: I don't get it. His best friend leaves, so he runs off with another boy and his gay dad? Seems
kind of strange.
Sandy: And this coming from a guy who is one click away from wearing a wig and a fake mustache.
Ryan: Hey, so, ah, I was thinking.
Seth: I was thinking too. You know they don't even have a water polo team here. That's just gonna be a problem
for me.
Ryan: How'd you make it all the way from Newport on that little catamaran?
Seth: Hm. Well, Ryan, sit down, my son. motions for him to sit down. It was a long and torturous journey, and I'm
not gonna, I'm not gonna sugar coat any details with you—
Ryan: Please don't.
Seth: —'cause we're friends. First, I sailed to Catalina. Then, I sailed to Santa Barbara. Santa Barbara, I ran out
of snacks. Freaked out a little bit, pawned my boat for cash, took a Greyhound to Portland.
Ryan: You took a bus.
Seth: Yeah. But don't say it like that, cause it was a local. Okay, have you ever been in one of those? Okay, not for the
faint of heart.
Ryan: I can't believe after all that you took a bus.
Seth: Yeah. I think we're definitely going to have to come up with a better story for school though, that'd be good.
Ryan: I don't know, I like the bus idea. It's cool.
Seth: Okay, what about maybe... boat sank, saved by whales? It's very Whale Rider.
Ryan: What else you got?
Seth: I took a boat, boat sank, saved by a mermaid? Boat sank, stranded on a desert island...
Ryan: If I hadn't left, then you guys would have still have been together.
Summer: That isn't true. He would have found some Cohen-y way to break us up. He can't help it. He's Cohen.
About the Sandy Cohen lox scramble with rye toast
Caleb: No, I'm not dragging Sandy into anything. Before he put these eggs in front of me he was the closest thing
I had to a friend in this town.
Seth: The Bait Shop? Could be our very own CBGBs.
Ryan: Could be what?
Seth: C'mon. What? The only music they had in Chino was the sound of gunshots and helicopters?
Sandy: Today he sent me to go meet with his former assistant, Phyliss.
Kirsten: Phyliss died last year.
Sandy: Exactly. Literally, dead ends.
Summer: You've gotta go, like, Ice-Man on her ass.
Seth: Wow, was that your first X-Men reference?
Summer: Top Gun.
Seth: Top Gun. Hey. That's like one of the greatest love stories of our time.
Ryan: You realize we're both screwed.
Seth: Dude, I'm wearing a wifebeater.
Summer to Seth: Your breath smells like Marissa! You are so drunk!
Sandy: What's going on? trash cans crash You guys okay? Seth?
Seth: Shh! We're being stealth! rolls across the hood of the car. Sort of.
Like the quote? Check out the shirt.
Seth: If you're alone, cough twice.
Ryan: I'm alone.
Seth: Okay, it's not as stealth but it works too.
Sandy: We can't fight a war on multiple fronts. Have we learned nothing from the Nazis?
Sandy: Okay, honey, I don't want to alarm you, but there's a giant Julie Cooper on the table.
Seth: Ryan, my girlfriend hooked up with a girl. There's only one thing to do in this situation.
Ryan: You're gonna hook up with a guy?
Gail: As you can see, it's a bit of a fixer-upper.
Kirsten: That's one way to put it.
Sandy: Who are you kidding, Gail? This place is a first-class dump. And I like it!
Summer: I don't wanna hear it. What are you guys? Like Kavalier and Gay?
Seth amused and impressed: That was funny.
Summer indignant: I know.
Alex: Who knew you Harbor girls could throw down.
Marissa: Yeah, well, I'm not like the other girls.
Alex: Well, then I guess it's about time I show you the meth lab in the basement.
Marissa: I thought you'd never ask.
Sandy: The FBI was here.
Kirsten: Well it wouldn't be the Cohen house if it wasn't a visit from law enforcement.
Julie: You should get another glass of champagne. 'Cause this is one surprise you won't find posted on the internet.
Julie: That's very punk of you. You know, I used to like the punk in my day.
Marissa: Mom!
Julie: Okay, Marissa. It still is my day. I was just being modest.
Kirsten: Well, my husband is currently transporting a fugitive who used to be his girlfriend.
Julie to Kirsten: I'll see your fugitive former flame and raise you a lesbian daughter.
Seth: Marissa and Alex: no longer welcome in the Red States.
Ryan: That I wouldn't have predicted. Think it's real?
Seth: God, I hope so.
Seth: This thing with Lindsay is just really kicking Ryan's ass.
Summer: Which is why it's a good thing we're like the Marines.
Seth: How are we like the Marines?
Summer: We leave no man behind. Look, Lindsay may have turned her back on Ryan, but we won't. No. You have got to cheer him up. Semper
Fi.
Seth: Oh, Semper Fi. That's so cute.
Seth: And besides, now with Lindsay out of the picture, maybe Ryan and Marissa will get back together.
Summer: Are you crazy? They're like the worst couple ever. And besides Marissa's happy now.
Seth: Okay, and by happy you mean gay.
Lance: Actually, I have something for you.
Julie: Yeah? Last time you gave me something I drank cranberry juice for a week.
Julie: Alex, and I'm not saying this to be mean. Because you actually seem like a nice enough girl,
and... I like your pants. But you're this week's yard guy.
Ryan: So... can I borrow Captain Oats?
Seth to Captain Oats: Oats? Now Ryan is going to use you as an
inspiration. Now, if he touches you any place weird... and by weird I mean whispers to Captain Oats, I want you to neigh as loud as you can.
Julie: I am so screwed.
Sandy: I know. I saw the footage.
Julie: I made a mistake, Kiki. A naked mistake.
Kirsten: Excuse me?
Julie: A hundred years ago, a boyfriend convinced me to let him film me. In the act. I was young, living on ramen,
and I needed the money.
Summer: And you told Cohen because you knew it would get back to me.
Zach: Within minutes.
Seth: I saw the high road there and I just did not take it on that one.
Sandy: So a charity event where the donors keep half the profits and a yardsale with no yard. Hm. So that's how they do it in the OC.
Sandy: Okay, folks, here's a beautiful Erté-esque statue. Yes, indeed. Very fetching. What do we start the bidding at? looks at sheet $75. I guess it's more "esque" than Erté.
Ryan: Hey, go deep.
Seth to himself: This never worked in PE.
Seth: He doesn't exactly seem overburdened with possessions. Unless that bag of his is like Mary Poppins. pause I wish I'd never made that reference.
Seth: Would you relax. He's probably just going to buy cigarettes.... Or getting into that suspicious looking Camaro.... With a guy that looks like Lou Reed.
Zach: What are you doing telling her I'm gay?
Seth: Now I said "gay vibe." I distinctly remember saying "gay vibe." And the two are very different.
Zach: It's gonna take a little more than quick quips and pop culture-laden bromides to win Little Miss Vixen.
Reed: Summer, Seth and Zach have talent. They could have careers in comics. But you are the Nico
of the group.
Summer: I'm sorry. I don't get references before 1990.
Sandy at Caleb's funeral: Caleb Nichol was not a man of many words. He was however a brilliant man. He leaves a legacy of possibility. But his true achievement were his children. He was a caring father, a wonderful grandfather, a truly terrible father-in-law... So, he may be gone, but he won't soon be forgotten. Rest in peace, Caleb. And if you can't do that, I'm
sure heaven could use a few more McMansions.
Seth about the Bait Shop: Do I still even work here? I should find out for tax purposes.
Kirsten: Oh, don't you say a word. I let you into this house.
Ryan: Yeah, you did. Because my own mom couldn't take care of me. Because she wouldn't get help even though I asked
her to. I don't want to see that happen again to someone I love.
Doorbell rings
Seth: The way things have been going, I bet that's Oliver.
Marissa: Hey, what's going on?
Seth: Well, we're on our way to Trey's, but you're closer. Maybe you can stop him.
Marissa: What are you talking about?
Seth: Ryan knows.
Lawyer Guy: ...Then you won't mind if I record this deposition.
Seth: Sure record it. Release it on iTunes. I hope it's a really big hit.
Sandy: Just answer the questions.
Summer: Thanks for almost getting my bathing suit wet, Cohen.
Seth: My pleasure.
Ryan imitating Summer: Cohen. I can't believe that you did that, Cohen.
Summer: She's Taylor Townsend. She's like the Karl Rove of our school.
Seth: So, you can take Karl Rove— You know who Karl Rove is?
Summer: Yeah, my step-mom sometimes naps in front of CNN. I hear things as I'm dragging her off to bed.
Seth: Is it my fault that most of our half-baked adolesent schemes goes hopelessly awry and my dad
has to bail us out?
Ryan: Uh, usually, yeah.
Summer: You can't leave. I won't let you.
Marissa: I know.
Summer: No, I really mean I won't let you. I'll restrain you if I have to. You may be tall, but I am wiry and I have
Ryan on my side.
Summer: You know I always thought that social chair was a ceremonial position. Like Rose Bowl Queen
or President.
Seth about Ryan and Marissa: Well, that is a pickle.
Ryan: That's it? No advice?
Seth: What advice? Call her, apologize. It's not rocket science. Man. You home school kids are pathetic.
Seth about his plan: I got a room at the Mermaid Motel.
Summer: You mean the place where Theresa may or may not have conceived Ryan's baby and the place where Marissa's mom and Luke
got it on?
Seth: Newport's very own den of sin.
Summer: Ew. But I like it.
Seth: Hey. It's The Return of the Not-So-Ancient Mariner.
Taylor's Mom: Taylor, untuck your shirt. Your ass is so not made for low riders.
Taylor: Got it.
Taylor: Sorry! I can't hear you.
Summer to Taylor: What do you mean you can't hear—? You're responding!
Taylor: Sorry!
Summer: What, like you didn't start it by hooking up with someone's girlfriend?
Seth: Good point. Or that's unnecessary to continuity. Either/or.
Seth: Even if I didn't love Summer? Her and I, we're totally incompatible, seeing as how she's crazy and I'm
not.
Ryan: I thought you said she wasn't that bad.
Seth: Taylor Townsend? In fourth grade she campaigned against making the school handicap accessible. She said it was "reverse Darwinism".
Besides who— who— wants Dean Hess' seconds.
Julie: Now, I think it's time you left, don't you? This town's only really
big enough for one manipulative bitch. Take care, sweetie.
Seth acting out the conversation: "Dad, I'm not applying to Berkeley. Where did you get that gun?
Why do you have this gun?" That doesn't have a good ring to it.
Summer: These are our college lists. Do you see a difference?
Seth: Yeah. The font. Looks like you went with the, ah, Times New Roman.
Summer: The schools, Doofus. None of them are the same. None of them are even in the same time zone.
Seth: Okay, so you went West Coast, I went East Coast. It's not a hip-hop war.
Gus: Hey, Julie!
Julie: I've got a gun, Gus.
Gus: That's cool.
Julie: Sandy, I don't think I'm in favor of low income housing.
Kirsten: Julie, you live in a trailer park.
Kirsten: Is that a pirate costume?
Seth: Summer and I are at war.
Sandy: A pirate war?
Seth: Did you just whack me with your tuba?
Summer: Did you just jab me with your peg leg?
Seth: It's a tap, you little whacker.
Summer: Jab, jabber. Why do you have to be better than me at everything.
Seth: See, that's just it, Summer. I'm not better than you at everything. There was one thing that I was better at.
Sandy: What did I tell ya!
Kirsten: Best. Chrismukkah. Ever.
Taylor withdraws from the campaign
Seth: I guess that means no button guy.
Summer: Seth!
Seth: I just wanted to meet the button guy!
Neil about the pork rinds: I'll just, take these and be outside trading stock tips with your friend,
Gus.
Marissa: I can't find my stupid jacket.
Ryan: I'll help.
Marissa: It's brown. With things on it.
Ryan: And it's stupid?
Seth: I love how people just come in now. No more of that useless back and forth to the front door.
Seth: You know I was taught that when you have something good, what you're supposed to do is you hang on to
it. You know? You hang on to it with both hands. And if someone tries to take it from you. what you should do is you should make sure they pry
it from your cold, dead fingers.
Neil looking through the New Match book: She's pretty.
Julie: Pear-shaped. But pretty.
Neil: Oo. Look at her. Nice... smile.
Julie: Yeah. Adult braces.
Julie: It's my own fault. I let you do the scheming. Clearly not your wheelhouse.
Kaitlin: You're like an adult.
Justin: My parents are therapists. They're annoying, but pretty smart.
Summer: Hm. That's pretty smart. You may just have rocked my world. I'm wearing the thong.
Seth: Yeah, that's... that's my mom's.
Summer: Ew.
Julie: Oh no. I don't do oysters. If I'm going to swallow something that disgusting there better be something in it for me.
Seth: I've got two girls in bikinis trying to seduce me. Which sounds awesome. But I'm scared, I'm wet, and
I'm cold, Ryan.
Ryan: Okay. Alright, I'll be right there. I just gotta towel off.
Seth: Why do you have to towel off?
Seth: Ugh. Get a room.
Sandy: Hey, count your blessings. Kids with affectionate parents grow up to be better adjusted sexually as adults.
Seth: I know. I meant get a room. My room. And do it in front of me.
Summer: I'm sounding out a hot new couple alert. Act like you knew nothing.
Seth: I don't.
Seth: He's got good abs. Women like abs. I got a six-pack
myself. I know.
Summer: Cohen, those are your ribs.
Seth: Oh.
Summer: We have a major problem. Marissa just bailed on our parents' engagement party to skank out with the
surf Nazi.
Seth: Your dad and Julie got
engaged? You kind of buried the lead there, Summer.
Summer: We've got bigger fish here, Cohen. Marissa is on a slut spiral and we need to stop her.
Taylor: Have you spoken to Marissa lately?
Summer: Well, if you count "Pass the milk" and "Don't be so skanky,"—
Neil: Hey. You okay?
Julie: Please, I just— I can't do this right now.
Neil: Do what?
Julie: Sit here and be tested as wife/mother material while I'm worried about my daughter's future. I get it, okay? It's not
what you expected. I failed. Fine. But right now I need to think about Marissa.
Neil: Julie, I'm sorry if I ever made you feel like you were being tested. I— I was wrong. And you've hardly failed. I think Marissa
is very lucky to have you as her mom.
Summer: Hey, guys. We're going to the party.
Marissa: Bye Mom, bye Dr. Roberts.
Neil: See what I mean.
Taylor: Hi. I'm Taylor. I used to be like total enemies with those guys but I'm pretty much second circle core
now.
Julie: Listen up, Tommy Lee. You're just the latest in a series of experiments my daughter likes to make when acting out. So enjoy
it. Because right here, right now is as good as it gets for you. Soon Marissa's gonna wake up and realize she is so much better than you and your life.
Volchok: You think she's gonna come running back to you.
Julie: Marissa knows that I will be there for her whenever she decides to come home because I am her family. Not some punk with a smirk,
three brain cells, and a good coke connection. You tell her that.
Julie: Marissa, honey, you know it's not too late to go with you. I promise I won't embarrass you. I can pretend
to be part of your entourage. Or your Scientology guide.
Brown Guy: The fact is, the US has been performing their own jihads for decades. Just instead of Allah, the killing is done in
the name of oil.
Brown Girl: Totally.
Summer: You guys, what is a jihad?
Brown Guy: Exactly.
Brown Girl: Way to reframe the question, Summer.
Summer: Hm.
Summer: You know, just everyone, leave me alone.
Seth: She probably just needs a moist washcloth. Or maybe, like, a towelette.
Anna: Cohen.
Seth: What? What? Is there a no-towelette clause in your plan? 'Cause right now I'm thinking that phase two kinda sucks. Does
anyone have a towelette? Does anyone have a towelette?!?! We've gotta find a towelette!
Summer: I love you.
Seth: I love you too. We can kiss later. Summer throws up again Alright. Want me to hold your crown? Summer throws
up again Hey! Rigatoni. Nice.
Volchok: You probably think I'm an idiot, huh? Screw things up with Marissa. Steal money when everyone's gonna
know I took it.
Ryan: I don't think about you. But yes, you're an idiot.
Julie: You changed your mind.
Neil: No, you changed my mind. You're a very passionate woman. And surprisingly principled.
Julie: I'd like to think so.
Neil: If you feel so strongly about family, how could I not want to be a part of yours?
Taylor: And if I could leave you all with one final word of advice: Nolite te bastardes carborundorum. Don't
let the bastards get you down.
Taylor: It has been a pleasure being second circle core.
Seth: You can join the inner circle.
Taylor: I can? Oh my god! The Fab Five!
Summer: I can't believe that for a minute I was actually interested in Atwood. laughs Okay, no offense.
Ryan: None taken, beeyotch.
Marissa: It was only until you found out he was from Chino.
Summer: Exactly.
Ryan: You actually invited me to Holly's beach house.
Summer: Oh my god!
Seth: You said she invited me. I'm not faring well, this trip down memory lane.
Marissa: I'm sorry for all the craziness.
Ryan: I wouldn't have done it any differently. Except maybe Oliver.
Julie: Hey Kaitlin! Why aren't you in school?
Kaitlin: 'Cause it's 8 PM. And it's Saturday.
Neil: Julie! My god! Are you alright? Is there an earthquake I didn't feel?
Julie: No. Help me. I was just trying to rearrange some furniture. I got some very helpful tips from HGTV.
Neil: Oh great. They suggested that you try to move a built-in?
Julie: I didn't know it was a built-in.
Neil: It's not anymore.
Sandy: You know, at the risk of saying too much, being there with her when it happened... You're
never going to get over it, but you'll get used to it. Just let yourself feel what you need to feel, even if it hurts.
Ryan: Yeah, it's not a good time, okay?
Sandy: Okay. I'm going to shut up now.
Julie and Ryan meet at Marissa's grave
Julie: I was wondering when you'd finally come here.
Ryan: Thanks for meeting me.
Julie: I'm here every day.
Seth: So where we going?
Ryan: Mexico.
Seth: Perfect. I need Chiclets.
Sandy: You know what I think this is?
Kirsten: A coded message.
Sandy: Nothing. Probably the name of a band. Seth wrote it on a paper and put it in his pocket. Relax, sweetheart. phone
rings Hello.
Seth: Dad, it's me. Did you get my note? I had to write it in code in case Ryan found it.
Sandy: Right. The note.
Seth is instructed to keep the dinenr guests from the shelter occupied
Seth: Okay, who here has not seen Battlestar Galactica season one?
Shelter Guy: I missed the season finale.
Seth: Get ready to have your mind blown. In this, Starbuck is a woman....
Julie: Tell me about her.
Ryan: What?
Julie: Anything. Just... tell me about her.
Ryan: You know you might want to relax.
Taylor: Distract me. Tell me about this, uh, cage fighting. It's something I've been meaning to get into.
Ryan: Yeah? Ask me for another favor and I'd be happy to show you.
Taylor: Oh, Ryan Atwood with a side of sauce. I like it!
Seth: Bollywood, huh? I didn't know you were such a world cinema buff. Especially at 2:30 in
the morning.
Ryan: What are you doing up?
Seth: I had a dream. Summer was marrying Ralph Nader and I was playing the marimba at the wedding.
Ryan: Good gig.
Che: At the reservation they taught us, sometimes the weaker gazelle must be devoured for the good of the herd.
Summer: Oh Che, just shut up, okay? Before I tie you up with hemp rope, set you on fire and get high off the fumes from your burning flesh.
Che: Dark.
Kirsten: I couldn't help but notice that you wanted to talk to Seth.
Ryan: Uh. Oh, did I?
Kirsten: Well since he's out of town and he's going to be moving out next semester you're going to need a new
Seth. Don't tell Sandy, but I thought I would audition for the job.
Ryan: That's very thoughtful.
Kirsten: So, how does it work? Do I ask you what's on your mind?
Ryan: Usually you talk about yourself and I solve my problems on my own.
Sandy: Listen, if there's anything else I can do for you I'm gonna be in my room reading comics and listening to indie rock.
Ryan: Sounds good. Seth.
Bullit: I know the Jews are good with numbers and lending stuff—
Sandy: Now there's a stereotype that's not even remotely offensive.
Julie: Veronica, listen. I know you're not the warm and fuzzy type. But it is Christmas Eve and it would mean so much if you could be there. And if you get on that plane right now I'll tell security you have a bomb.
Kaitlin: Wow. Very Jack Bauer of you.
Ryan: There's some guy who wants to meet you in the master bathroom. Something about getting a thong off.
Alt-Julie: Oo! That's charity talk. Thong is an acronym for The Homeless of Newport... Go. Or something.
Alt-Summer: Who's this random guy we're all listening to and why am I not drunk yet?
Taylor: So what are you going to do? Level with him and tell him the truth?
Summer: Frak that. He wants a game of chicken he's gonna get it. I'm goin' Bridezilla on his ass.
Frank: This oughta keep things straight with Gordon. I think you'll find these books are cooked so you can hide as much as you make.
Julie: Ah. The prostitution ring. No. After you busted me on New Years I decided to quit. It's hard out there for a pimp.
Ryan about A Season for Peaches: Your ex-husband wrote this about you?
Taylor: A novel. Not a memoir. There's a big difference. Ask James Frey.
Director: So you're the friend of Mademoiselle Townsend?
Ryan: Yes. What's happening?
Director: They started out talking about A Season for Peaches and now somehow they are into Existentialism of the
21st century, the responsibility of the post-Colonial age, Johnny Depp. Amazing!
Kaitlin: Stupid Winter clothing drive.
Will: You may not know this, but there are homeless people that live in Newport.
Kaitlin: Really? turns toward Newport's homeless Hi Daryl, Hi Bill.
Daryl and Bill: Hey Kaitlin.
Henri-Michel: So you are here to beat me up. I warn you, my family is hemophilic. I will bleed.
Kirsten: You are going to call all those woman tomorrow and you are going to tell them the truth.
Julie: Okay. But not Linda. Please let Linda think she has an STD.
Ryan about Kirsten: You don't think she knows about the party?
Sandy: What? No. Are you kidding me. No one plans a surprise party like Sandy Cohen. I could have been with the CIA.
Seth: I hear they're known for their birthday parties.
Bullit: Hey Peanut. Just left the airport.
Kaitlin: We need to talk.
Bullit: Well not if it's about that duty-free booze you asked me to buy.
Che: You realize this is the second time you and I've spent the night together?
Seth: So.
Che: So, does that mean anything to you?
Seth: You'll be going on your little adventures by yourself from now on?
News Guy: Justin Timberlake is coming to the Bait Shop. Just how does such a small venue get such big names—
Summer: Falling skateboards? Justin Timberlake? Everything the psychic said is coming true. You know any second I'm gonna get whisked away by some dude named George.
Seth: Relax. Now I know that pschic has a lot of credibility. She works at a kiosk and she doesn't appear to charge for her services.
Seth: This mermaid poem, it's our roots. It's our mythology.
Bullit: Where the heck's your mom?
Kaitlin: I know I asked you to be my stepdad, but do you mind being my friend instead?
Bullit: So, Julie's had enough of the old Bullit, eh?
Kaitlin: We can still play ping pong together.
Bullit: C'mon. they walk away You know I let you win.
Kaitlin: No you don't.
Bullit: Yes I do.
Kaitlin: In your dreams.
Bullit: You ever seen that movie Casablanca?
Kaitlin: No.
Bullit: Well it goes like this: "Peanut, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship."
Frank: Julie, it's alright.
Julie: No it's not. And where did she get her hands on clown porn?
Ryan: Seth, the hospital is like a mile away.
Seth: I know. Which is why I'm taking the secret back roads way that's only like a half mile. That was sarcasm. I'm pretty sure my shortcut got us lost.
Taylor: Summer, how can we keep looking for Pancakes when there's a giant elephant in the room.
Summer: We walk around the elephant—it may be big but we are crafty.
Six months later...
Ryan: We've all had to make adjustments since the earthquake.
Kirsten: Especially Kaitlin. [With] the entire Cohen family taking refuge here.
Kaitlin: It's been nice. I mean, I've perfected my Sandy Cohen. Listen to this: "I shmeared it for ya."
Sandy: Well, you know... not bad. I am very sexy.
Julie walking in: Baby, stop mimicking Sandy.
Sandy: Julie! Crepe? I am too nauseous to eat. Morning sickness? Or wedding jitters. Who can tell.
Kaitlin: Well your fiancé is certainly excited about the nuptials.
Julie: Yeah, he's become a broken record. He keeps saying—
Bullit: Bang!
Summer: Oh! Real life Jake broke up with Real life April!
Taylor: are you doing?
Summer: I told Seth that I wouldn't watch "Briefcase or No Briefcase" until he got home. So I'm reading about
The Valley.
Taylor: Oh my god, that show's still on?
Summer: It just got picked up for five more seasons. You know these teen dramas just run forever.
Summer about Pancakes: Oh my god. I'm a bad crack mother.
From the the flyer
The Devil Bullit: It's all about the Benjamins, Fuzzy Butt!
Summer: Ow! Soap stings!
Taylor: Well that's because it's lye.
Sandy: Is there any chance we could see the kitchen? Just to see if the Seth Cohen growth chart is still notched in the wall?
Patrick: It isn't. We thought it was termites.
Julie: Summer, you're
a
great girl. And the world deserves to know you. You deserve it too. Don't settle
for
comfortable.
Bullit about Julie: That woman is like nailing jello to the wall.
Summer: Just remember, this isn't goodbye. You're my destiny, Cohen.
Seth: Go save the world, Summer Roberts.
Seth: I've been doing some checking up on your new roommate. His favorite book and movie are the Da Vinci Code. He's no me.
Ryan: You say that like it's a bad thing.
Seth: At least I leave you funnier than when I found you.
Ryan: A lot better off than when you found me.
Seth: Me too.
| 
