Quotes from The OC

Summer Roberts (Rachel Bilson)

PILOT

Summer: Ew! Chino!

THE OUTSIDER

Summer: Aren’t you, like, the busboy? Donnie steps forward looking disgusted. Ew… Random! Her friends laugh

THE ESCAPE

Summer: This is a nightmare. I'm sweating to death, driving ten miles an hour on, like, a rickshaw, listening to this... music.
Seth: Hey, do not insult Death Cab.
Summer: It's like one guitar and a whole lot of complaining.
Seth: That reminds me of someone else that's doing a lot of complaining.
Summer: Who gets passed by a van full of nuns? Oh, that's right. Cohen Does!
Seth: Well they have God on their side, Summer. I'm not gonna beat Jesus.
Summer: I'm gonna call Holly and see how far ahead of us they are. And she's a girl!

Summer: I am positive that I'm leaving this place with a rash.
Seth: So you're planning on making some extra money tonight?

Summer: Come on. Get off the bed!
Seth: Nope.
Summer: Be, like, a gentleman?
Seth: Chivalry's dead, sugar.
Summer getting onto the bed: You make a move, I rip out your jugular.
Seth: Hey, pillow talk.

Summer: I suffer from rage black-outs.
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THE HEIGHTS

Summer: Sailing is so not like the fastest way to get anywhere.

THE PERFECT COUPLE

Marissa: So how goes it with Chip?
Summer: He's suprised the ocean's big. Go smoke another beer Chip!

Summer: I... I just can't help it. And I certainly can't explain it. You didn't tell anyone?
Seth: Of course not.
Summer: 'Cause I'll kill you.
Seth: No, I believe you.

Seth: Could you give me a minute? Because I've got some green beans I need to check on.
Summer: You're passing me up for beans?
Seth realizing, shakes head: Ah... no.

Summer: Back so soon? Cause I was just—sees Sandy —Ew, uh... I mean, not ew. You're very attractive for a dad. Distinguished. But, uh— Oh my god.

THE SECRET

Summer: Way to go, Wonder Whore.
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THE LINKS

Summer: I was being sarcastic.
Marissa: So was I.
Summer: Which we never were before Cohen showed up and taught us all irony. Jackass.

Summer: What are you? Like 70?
Seth: On the inside yes.

THE RIVALS

Summer: I guess I really will end up bitter and alone.

THE HEARTBREAK

Summer: I'm not gonna be your sloppy seconds, assface.

Summer: I'm busy. Studying. Naked.
Seth outside her door: And that's supposed to keep me away.
Summer: Cohen? You're at my house!
Seth: And you're dressed. I wonder who's more disappointed.

Marissa: Are you limping?
Summer: Yeah. Cohen knee'd me in the leg.
Marissa: Why?
Summer: Um, the Kama Sutra or something. Love hurts.

Summer: The other night, when we... had sex, you weren't the only virgin in the room.
Seth: There was someone else in the room? Like, like filming us?
Summer: Me. Me, Jackass.

As Ryan Adam's cover of Wonderwall plays
Summer: C'mon Cohen, you are so cheesy.
Seth: I'm sweeping you off your feet.
Summer: The sad part is, you kinda are.

THE TELENOVELA

Summer: What are you gonna do, Coop? Lift weights? Wear a wife beater?

Summer: I'm just not comfortable about PDA.
Seth: Then why did you sign up to kiss other guys for 10 dollars a pop at a kissing booth?

THE GOODBYE GIRL

Summer: My Dad says chins are the new noses.
Anna: Picasso thought so, too.
Summer: Really? What hospital does he work at?
Anna looks at Seth, Seth looks at Summer
Summer: Kidding! I'm not that dumb. Just shallow!

THE L.A.

Summer: And if you guys are about to break up? Isn't that, like, bad for the show?

THE NANA

Summer: I'm gonna study this thing so hard I'm even gonna out-Jew you.
Summer opens the Hagada.
Seth: You're reading it backwards.

THE PROPOSAL

Summer: How can you live like this? Your t-shirts are touching your sweaters.

Summer: You don't like the hardware store, you cry during chick flicks, you don't want to go to the hardware store. Next thing you're going to tell me, you walk in on Ryan changing?
Seth: That's crazy! Hey let's go to the hardware store.

Summer: Do you have the stud finder?
Seth:Oh Summer. I think you are the stud finder.
Summer: You see this hammer in my hand?
Seth:Yeah, we'll find the stud finder. What does it look like?
Summer: Don't you know what a level is?
Seth:Yeah, it's something that you advance to in a video game.
Summer: That's funny. The tool doesn't know about tools.

Summer You're such a dandy, Cohen.
Seth offended: You're such a dandy!

THE SHOWER

Summer: They're playing Pac-Man. It's not a Mandy Moore movie.

Summer about her dad: You do know he's not 75, right?

Summer: Mostly we talk about me.
Seth: You?
Summer: Yeah. It's like our common interest.

Seth: So I didn't even get a review? Not that I read my own press. Nothing about thumbs or stars or—
Summer: We should go.

Seth about Summer's dad: I'm sorry I'm not his type. But you know what? That doesn't matter. None of it really matters. Except what I mean to you.
Summer: I'm sorry. runs off

THE STRIP

Summer: I have been crying actual tears over that ass and he's been kissing randoms.

Summer: Get away from him, whore!

Summer: Way to go, Whore Boy.
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THE TIES

Summer: I'm holding hot coffee, Cohen.

Summer: $6,000 in cash? What are you, fleeing the country or something?
Seth: No, it's for Ryan.
Summer: For vintage wife-beaters?

Summer: They sent me to find you. pause Found you. I figured you'd be stuffing your pockets with cocktail weinies.

Seth about Ryan: He's the only friend I've ever had.
Summer: No. You have me.

THE DISTANCE

Summer: The more time I spend with Zach, the less time I think about goddamn what's-his-face, built like a beanpole, curly hair, runs away like a little bitch on a sailboat, leaving nothing but a note for his girlfriend, who cried and cried over him until the Fourth of July when she realised she doesn't cry over bitches on boats.
Marissa: Seth, His name its Seth.

Summer: What do you want from me, Cohen?
Seth: I just want you.
Summer: No you don't. You had me. You had me at Chrismukkah in a freakin' Wonderwoman costume and you chose Anna. You had me three months ago and you left.
Seth: I want to make that up to you.
Summer: It has nothing to do with me. It's about you. And it is always about you: what you need and what you want. You know, it seems you only want me when you can't have me. You like the chase, and that's all. And you know what? You can have it.

Summer: I had a boyfriend and then he sailed away.

THE SnOC

Summer: You've gotta go Ice-Man on her ass.
Seth: Was that your first X-Men reference?
Summer: Top Gun.

FAMILY TIES

Summer to Seth: Your breath smells like Marissa! You are so drunk!

Summer: Actually, I'm gonna go alone.
Zach: You're going by yourself?
Summer: Han Solo. But if I change my mind I'll have Cohen get drunk and let you know.

THE POWER OF LOVe

Marissa: Who's Kofi Annan?
Summer: Some guy Zach's mom knows. I think he works for United Airlines.

THE EX-FACTOR

Summer: Am I about to get whacked?

THE ACCOMPLICE

Summer: I don't wanna hear it. What are you guys? Like Kavalier and Gay?
Seth amused and impressed: That was funny.
Summer indignant: I know.

Summer about the purloined sketchbook: Princess Sparkle, you are not going to believe this.

THE SECOND CHANCE

Summer about Marissa's comic book character: Alcoholism as a Super Power. Now that is an interesting talent.

Summer: Oh, I will compromise your vision. Do not forget my rage-blackouts!

Summer: Okay, let's be more professional! Less drooling, more drawing. And don't give me any junk in the trunk, either.

Seth: Okay, the way you're holding the pencil, you're choking it.
Summer: I am not! This pencil can breathe on its own!

Summer: Who have you been nose-grazing with?

THE LONELY HEARTS CLUB

Summer about her earrings: Do you think these are too bling for a meeting?

Summer: You know what? My teeth are all plaque-y. I'm gonna go for a last-minute floss.

Zach: Summer, who is it?
Summer: Obviously, it doesn't matter.

THE TEST

Summer: Party Caleb. That sounds awesome.

Summer on the phone with Zach: I haven't seen Cohen, why? pause Well he always smells kind of weird.

Summer: I'm only saying this for the people that live with you: take a shower, Cohen. Zach and I didn't have sex.

Summer hugging Marissa: This isn't turning you on, right?

Summer: See ya, Cohen.
Seth: See ya, Summer.

THE RAINY DAY WOMEN

Seth: Spiderman is really the only protective headgear I own.
Summer: Well, it's too bad you weren't wearing protective headgear when you were dropped on your head as a child.
Seth: Oh, zing!

Summer: Look Cohen are we gonna do this again or are we gonna advance the plot?

Summer: I don't want the Italians to think I have bad style. I'm representing America.
Zach: Well, that's very patriotic of you.

Summer: I can't go. I can't do this.
Zach: Truth be told, I didn't think you'd make it past security.
Summer: I'm really sorry.
Zach: You can't fight fate.

THE MALLPISODE

Seth: This thing with Lindsay is just really kicking Ryan's ass.
Summer: Which is why it's a good thing we're like the Marines.
Seth: How are we like the Marines?
Summer: We leave no man behind. Look, Lindsay may have turned her back on Ryan, but we won't. No. You have got to cheer him up. Semper Fi.
Seth: Oh, Semper Fi. That's so cute.

Seth: And besides, now with Lindsay out of the picture, maybe Ryan and Marissa will get back together.
Summer: Are you crazy? They're like the worst couple ever. And besides Marissa's happy now.
Seth: Okay, and by happy you mean gay.

Summer: Trapped in a department store. Which is like my ultimate fantasy.
Ryan: Okay, and what if we get caught?
Summer: We'll be stealth.

Ryan: So what do we do now?
Summer: I have an idea. puts on a hockey mask.
Ryan: You're going to kill us all with a chainsaw?

Seth: How is it that Ryan and Marissa are now the functioning couple?
Summer: Oh my god, we can not be more annoying than Ryan and Marissa. They're monsters.
Seth: I like monsters.

THE BLAZE OF GLORY

Summer: Break out the hose, Cohen. Seth looks unsure of himself. It's a metaphor.

THE BROTHERS GRIM

Summer seeing Zach pull up on a Vespa: Oh my god, I'm having a panic spiral.

Summer: And you told Cohen because you knew it would get back to me.
Zach: Within minutes.

THE RISKY BUSINESS

Summer: You guys bringing back the comic book?
Seth and Zach: No! No. Goodness gracious no!
Seth slowly raises shield: It's a graphic novel. It's totally different.

Summer about the shoes at auction : Ew. Foot fetish, much?

THE RAGER

Summer: Cohen learned how to grill this summer. It's a major life achievement.
Seth: That's right. I grilled some corn, I grilled some veggies, I found something in Marissa's fridge, I just, I grilled it.

Summer: Cohen, just shut up. 'Cause even when you're not lying you're lying.

THE OC CONFIDENTIAL

Summer: You know, it's one thing blowing me off, but blowing off Death Cab?

Summer: I mean where other than The Bait Shop—where tickets are always plentiful and the band never too loud to talk over.

Marissa: Don't mind my friend. She's really, really stoned.
Summer: Totally. Like very, very high. Isn't this place, like, so visual?
Marissa: So do you wanna go sit down?
Jessica: Can't. Looking for a friend.
Marissa: The kind who could hook me up?
Jessica: Actually he lost his stash last weekend. But he's taking orders for tomorrow night. You want in?
Marissa: Definitely.
Jessica: Water Polo is throwing a party. We can meet up there. Here's the address. Cash only.
Marissa: Cool.
Jessica to Summer: How 'bout you?
Summer: Hm? Oh no, strictly ganga. Yeah, what's from the Earth is of the greatest worth.
Marissa as Jessica walks away: I'm gonna kill you.

THE RETURN OF THE NANA

As Summer wails on a punching bag
Seth: Hey, Summer! Busy?
Summer: What to you want?
Seth: To talk.
Summer: Yeah. Hold my bag.
Seth: Anything for my Million Dollar Baby.

THE SHOWDOWN

Summer: You know, I really thought things were going to be different this time, but you haven't changed at all. You've found new and even more public ways of disappointing me.

Reed: Summer, Seth and Zach have talent. They could have careers in comics. But you are the Nico of the group.
Summer: I'm sorry. I don't get references before 1990.

THE O.Sea

Summer about Ryan: Did I miss something? 'Cause for like a blip you two seemed actually happy.
Marissa: It's complicated.
Summer: Well, it's you and Ryan. It's supposed to be.

Marissa: So, everyone's saying you're going to be voted prom queen. Isn't that like your fifth grade dream coming true?
Summer: No. My dream involved an actual date. A hot guy in a tux with a carnation pinned in his lapel. Instead I'm drawing straws between Nerd Boy and Ass Clown.

Summer: Tomorrow I will be outside in front of my house in a dress and one of you will pick me up. Got it? Good.

Summer: He better be real sick. Like dead. Cause if he isn't I'm gonna strangle him with his wifebeater.

Zach: I saw your face when I got out of the limo.
Summer: And I saw yours. You want to be there, talking about your comic book with Reed. Look, my prom fantasy, it didn't quite happen. But you've been dreaming about this comic book your whole life. You should go.
Zach: I can't abandon you.
Summer: I did it to you.
Zach: Good point.

THE DEARLY BELOVED

Seth about Princess Sparkle's visit to Captain Oats: Well Captain's pretty lucky.
Summer: Yeah, well, if he gets fresh with her it's straight to the glue factory.

Seth: I know running away was really hard on her last summer.
Summer: Cohen, no offense, but you're being self-involved again. I think this is bigger than you.

Summer: One girl, two brothers. It's all a little Legends of the Fall.
Marissa: Hm. I never saw that movie.

THE AFTERMATH

Summer: Thanks for almost getting my bathing suit wet, Cohen.
Seth: My pleasure.
Ryan imitating Summer: Cohen. I can't believe that you did that, Cohen.

THE SHAPE OF THINGS TO COME

Seth: We thought you could use some breakfast. We've got bagels. And a support group (cue Captain Oats and Princess Sparkle).
Summer: Captain Oats is a really good listener. Princess Sparkle, she just stands there and looks cute.

Summer: She's Taylor Townsend. She's like the Karl Rove of our school.
Seth: So, you can take Karl Rove— You know who Karl Rove is?
Summer: Yeah, my step-mom sometimes naps in front of CNN. I hear things as I'm dragging her off to bed.

Summer: Do we have a number three?
Seth: And number three, this Kick Off Carnival is the best ever. And not just because we cancelled Shenanigans.

Seth: Taylor Townsend.
Summer: She is Karl Rove!

THE END OF INNOCENCE

Summer: You can't leave. I won't let you.
Marissa: I know.
Summer: No, I really mean I won't let you. I'll restrain you if I have to. You may be tall, but I am wiry and I have Ryan on my side.

THE LAST WALTZ

Summer: You know I always thought that social chair was a ceremonial position. Like Rose Bowl Queen or President.

Taylor: Summer!
Summer: No. Just so you know, you and your friend the dean may have won this round, but the war is not over.
Taylor: Well unless you have an exit strategy, don't even get out of the boat. I am a human quagmire. Storms off.
Summer to a passing student: What's a quagmire? Hello! Anyone? Quagmire?

Summer: You know what? You're at a new school and there is a dance. It's like Social Survival 101.

THE PERFECT STORM

Summer: She's got Dean Hess in her back pocket, front, and who knows where else.

Summer: You know, college fairs are kind of like shopping. It's all about brand recognition.
Seth: Did you know Princeton was once called the College of New Jersey.

Seth about his plan: I got a room at the Mermaid Motel.
Summer: You mean the place where Theresa may or may not have conceived Ryan's baby and the place where Marissa's mom and Luke got it on?
Seth: Newport's very own den of sin.
Summer: Ew. But I like it.

Seth: I came up with some other pitches for jobs with you, but I should warn you that it's, like, wacky!
Ryan: Okay.
Seth: Ryan Atwood: Bull Fighter.
Summer: Oo! Big hat, like tight red pants and a little red coat.
Ryan: Alright, but I don't speak Spanish.
Seth: Neither do bulls. Ryan Atwood: Bounty Hunter.
Summer: Yeah, you could have like a crossbow and a badge and steel-toed boots. You like those.

THE SWELLS

Summer: Nightmares, huh? You know at first I thought you were just a sweaty sleeper. I didn't want to say anything, but—

Marissa: You should come by tomorrow and check it out.
Summer: You know I would. I guess ah— I have to be imprisoned in the gym and forced to eat S'mores. pause Yeah, I wish I was kidding.

Sandy: Where's Marissa?
Summer: Oh, she's busy.
Ryan: Is she studying? 'Cause I've been known to get her to blow off some homework.
Summer: She's not studying. She's at the beach with Johnny.
awkward pause
Seth: Ryan, try not to punch Summer.
Summer: I'm just the messenger.

Chili: I don't get it. Why don't you like me?
Summer: I'm already dating a dork.

Ryan: Johnny? You mean that Johnny hanging with his girlfriend, Johnny?
Summer: I have a bit of a hair trigger.

Summer: I'm sorry I overreacted. I meddled. Oh my god, I'm Seth.

Taylor: Sorry! I can't hear you.
Summer to Taylor: What do you mean you can't hear—? You're responding!
Taylor: Sorry!

THE ANGER MANAGEMENT

Ryan: Maybe the girls should pick the movie next time.
Seth: Do I have to remind you about the Bring It On phase?
Summer: Now that is a great movie.

Summer: Who was that? It sounded like a girl.
Seth: Did it? Yeah. Well, sure. Because I'm listening to the radio. And This American Life is on. And so there's a girl talking.
Summer: Is that that show where those hipster know-it-alls talk about how fascinating ordinary people are? God.

Taylor: Hi Summer. You look really cute.
Summer: I know. But more importantly why are you always talking to my boyfriend?

Seth: Nothing happened at the lock-in.
Summer: Uh huh. And yet you still felt the need to lie about her being in your room?
Seth: Because I knew how you'd react. Not that it's your fault. I'm not saying it's your fault. Definitely my fault.
Summer: You know what is my fault? smacks Seth That!

Summer: Yakuza? Were you with Taylor?
Seth: She's having an emotional crisis.
Summer: Yeah, well she's about to have a physical one.
Seth: Summer, she thinks you're her friend.
Summer: What? She is crazy. I hate her.
Seth: I know! You along with everyone else.

THE GAME PLA

Mrs. Rushfield: So we'll deal with grades and boards later, but for now I just want to get a feel for what you want. Where you imagine yourself.
Summer: I want 365 sun days. I don't mean the day after Saturday.

Summer: These are our college lists. Do you see a difference?
Seth: Yeah. The font. Looks like you went with the, ah, Times New Roman.
Summer: The schools, Doofus. None of them are the same. None of them are even in the same time zone.
Seth: Okay, so you went West Coast, I went East Coast. It's not a hip-hop war.

Summer: You can have him. Go to Brown or wherever you smart people go. He's yours.
Taylor: This is a ploy, isn't it?
Summer: No. It's life. He's going to Rhode Island and I'm going to Arizona.
Taylor: I just thought you guys would do the whole long distance thing.
Summer: Please. And struggle along? Break up at Thanksgiving and hook up at Christmas. And then break up again in January when we're both out of school?
Taylor: But you could still apply to a school near to him.
Summer: Could you imagine me on the East coast? I'd be like one of those animals that they rip from their natural habitat and put in a zoo. Their fur would get all mangy and they'd throw dung at people. It would be awful.

Summer: What is it with people showing up with bags?

Seth: What made you change your mind?
Summer: Taylor. She made me see that at Brown you're going to be surrounded by, like, really smart people that are going to make you feel really stupid. So you need someone around to makes you feel smart again.

Summer: Uh oh, you and Seth are going to have to do the long distance thing. Better not cheat on each other.
Ryan: It's college. Things happen.
Seth: Are you questioning my sexuality?

THE DISCONNECT

Seth: You know I read a study once that said that if 1500 third graders took the SATs one would get a perfect score by probability alone.
Summer: Hm. Yeah. I'm not a third grader, Cohen.
Seth: No, no, I'm not saying you are, but I mean how else do you explain it?
Summer: I dunno.
Seth: How is that even possible?
Ryan: Well, she did save Chrismukkah.

Johnny: It's not that I don't like it. It's that I do. A lot.
Summer: I called this like so long ago!

Summer: Well maybe I never had a dream. You know, maybe for once in my life I actually want to do something in my life. Like something important. Be the first woman in space or win one of the noble prizes.
Seth: Summer, women have been going to space since the 60s. And it's not noble prizes, it's Nobel prize. Marie Curie won in 1903 for discovering radium.
Summer: I think you've made your point.

Marissa: What's that?
Summer: A tuba.
Marissa: Which you have why?
Summer: Because I do. Because in fith grade you know when I said I was going to Beauty Pageant camp? I was going to band camp and learning to play the tuba.

Seth: Did you just whack me with your tuba?
Summer: Did you just jab me with your peg leg?
Seth: It's a tap, you little whacker.
Summer: Jab, jabber. Why do you have to be better than me at everything.
Seth: See, that's just it, Summer. I'm not better than you at everything. There was one thing that I was better at.

Summer: A vicodin love confession is still a love confession.

Seth: I'm sorry I've been such an ass, okay. It's just, you're superior to me in so many ways. You're better looking, you're more popular, you're stronger... and not just emotionally.
Summer: Cohen, I'll always look up to you. And not just because you're taller than me.

THE CHRISMUKKAH BAR MITZ-VAHKKAH

Summer: I don't know, Cooper Scooper.
Marissa: That's a really bad nickname.

Summer about Johnny: Poor guy. Slight of build and on crutches. He's kind of like our very own Tiny Tim.

Summer: I was born to usher.

THE SAFE HARBOR

Ryan: Summer's planning Operation Free Marissa.
Summer: Yeah. Secure some key allies, go behind enemy lines.
Seth: Have you've been watching the War Channel again?
Summer: Yes. it's the new news network.
Seth: I'm always up for a little danger and intrigue.

Summer: If we're going to launch a successful campaign to get Marissa back into Harbor we have to find someone who can organize the masses. Someone who they'll follow, you know, into battle.
Seth: You mean General Townsend?
Summer: Affirmative.

Summer: Don't tell me there's a problem with the t-shirts or I might freak out.
Ryan: T-shirts are fine. They're in the car. It's Marissa.

Summer: This school is apathetic. They need someone who can inspire. Someone who can intimidate.
Seth: They need Taylor.
Summer: Yeah. You know, maybe it's better to be feared than loved. Cohen, you have my permission to do whatever it takes.
Seth: What is it?
Summer: I'm picturing, like, Indecent Proposal. You're Demi. Naturally. And Taylor is the leather-faced guy who talks to horses.
Seth: You want me to trade sex for signatures?
Summer: Get her on board. I want Marissa back at this school.
Seth: I feel so dirty.

Seth: No word back from Taylor.
Ryan: We've gotta leave in an hour and no sign of Marissa.
Summer: So what are you guys saying?
Seth: That this was a valiant campaign.
Ryan: Yeah, really valiant.
Seth: One any general would be proud of.
Summer: Surrender, much? I bet Napoleon never talked like this.
Ryan: Well, maybe he should have before he was defeated and exiled.
Seth: Summer, my little Empress, this is our Waterloo. Let's just retreat and minimize collateral damage.
Summer: Well, can't we just wait a couple of minutes before we raise the white flag? She's always late. I mean, maybe she got lost. Or something.

THE SISTER ACT

Summer: Mini Cooper?
Seth: Mini Coop not so mini.

Summer about Taylor: She is so going back to the pound.

Summer: My god. That is amazing. And all you did was tell her he voted for John Kerry?
Seth: Yes, that is exactly what I said.
Summer: You told her he had genital warts? C'mon!

Summer: Of course I didn't mean to hit you.
Seth: I know. I just find it interesting how your hand collided with my face.

THE POT STIRRER

Ryan: "Who has been the greatest influence in your intellectual development?"
Summer: Um, Miuccia Prada.
Seth: You probably wanna say something more like Einstein or—
Summer: So you want me to lie?
Seth: No, it's just, uh, I don't think Prada is the answer they're looking for.
Summer: Well this interview could determine the rest of our lives, right? Well, if I say something I don't believe in I could end up with the wrong life. How awful would that be?
Ryan: She has a point.
Summer: I have to go get a mani-pedi.
Seth: Summer.
Summer: Cohen. If you memorize the answers you think they want to hear, that's fine. But I believe in being myself. And by the way, Miuccia Prada combines styles from time periods in a way that people never even imagined possible.

Summer: I'm looking to see if Brown has a course in human sexuality. 'Cause no offense, you are so taking that.

THE CLIFF HANGER

Summer: Cohen, you are in a deceit spiral. And if you don't stop now, you could turn in to some creepy old men who have secret attics where they hide stolen money and porn.
Seth: Okay, first of all? That sounds awesome. Second of all, it could be worse. I got scared.

THE HEAVY LIFTING

Summer: "To whom it may concern. My name is Seth Cohen and I have a problem with lying."

Summer: Hm. That's pretty smart. You may just have rocked my world. I'm wearing the thong.
Seth: Yeah, that's... that's my mom's.
Summer: Ew.

THE ROAD WARRIOR

Summer: Oy.
Seth: As in vey? Atta girl.

Summer: My dad has disastrous taste in women. If I don't step in he'll wind up with the first money-grubbing slutbag that gets into the backseat of his Mazerati.
Kirsten: Julie, would you like to take this?

Taylor: You know what? Never mind all that. This is an emergency. Summer's going to majorly wig when she finds out who her dad is dating.
Seth: Yeah, well. Whoever it is, staying out of it.
Taylor: Julie Cooper. I caught them having an illicit liaison and the way they were talking was totally perverted.
Seth: Wow. Wait. Perverted how?
Taylor: Just what are we going to tell Summer?
Summer: What's who going to tell Summer?
Seth: Do I need to call a locksmith?
Summer: What are you doing here, T-Bag?

THE JOURNEY

As Ryan stares at a random flyer
Summer: Thinking of joining the lesbian alliance?
Ryan: No.
Summer: She's gone. When are you guys gonna talk? You can't keep avoiding each other forever.

Seth: I'm in charge of Ryan's birthday.
Summer: Wait. Ryan's birthday is now? What was he thinking?
Seth: I don't know. He didn't exactly plan it.

Summer: My dad was whistling this morning. Julie Cooper makes my dad whistle.

About the Model Home mix tape. Er, CD:
Summer: So you're making one for his birthday? That's so romantic.
Marissa: No, just thoughtful.
Summer: Coop, you're tapping into core relationship mythology. That's romantic.

Summer: I know about you and my dad. Your private hanky panky. Your driving range smooching. I know.
Julie: Oh, Summer. We were going to tell you.
Summer: When? Before or after you went on the cruise?

Summer: Look, I got nothing against you. In theory. But my dad just got out of a marriage and I don't want him rushing back into another.
Julie: Oh, Summer. I totally understand. We are nowhere near close to getting engaged. Trust me.
Summer: Serious?

Summer: Yes, of course.
Julie: Does Marissa know about this?
Summer: Not yet.
Julie: Well I guess I better tell her then, hm? And buy me a new bikini.
Summer to no one in particular: Awkward.

Summer: Um, hi. Two homeless guys just got into a fight over the crudité and knocked down Scientist Ryan.

Summer: Hey Dad. If you really do like her, maybe don't wear the bathing suit you bought last year in Rome. Just a thought.

THE UNDERTOW

Taylor: Holy Kodak moment!
Summer: I guess Seth just aced his Brown interview.
Taylor: That's fantastic. We're so gonna party tonight. I'll make a flan.
Summer: You know what, Taylor, Seth and I were thinking about hanging out alone. My dad's out of town, so...
Taylor: Ah. Say no more. nudging Summer Hm. Hm.
Summer: What's wrong with your eye?
Taylor: It's a knowing wink, Summer.
Gotta love Monty Python.

Seth: Is that a no to the Wheelbarrow?
Summer: I'll Wheelbarrow you.

THE SECRETS AND LIES

Summer: I'm sounding out a hot new couple alert. Act like you knew nothing.
Seth: I don't.

Seth: So if the body doesn't lie...
Summer: Then it's saying, "Ew."
Seth: "Ew"? Or "Touch my pooper"?

Summer banging outside the door: Coop! It's me. Your best friend. You know, the one you tell everything to.
Volchok: Damn. My head.
Marissa: What time is it?
Summer: I know it's tough being in there. My voice travels.
Marissa: Um. Okay, you've gotta hide.
Volchok: What? You live in a trailer.
Summer: Coop!
Marissa: I'm coming, Sum. handing Volchok bottles Dump these. And this. Go!
Summer: Coop! My hand doesn't remotely hurt. Coop!
Marissa: Hey.
Summer: Hi. Looking good, Coop. Very Kate Moss pre-Vanity Fair cover. Whatcha doin'?
Marissa: Uh. You know. Nothin'.
Summer: Hm. Did you have a good time last night?
Marissa: Yeah.
Summer: Synapses are really firing, huh?
Marissa: I think I have a bit of a head cold.
Summer: Well, as long as you don't have any other infectious diseases.
Marissa: What?
Summer: Hm?

Summer: You didn't mention a word to Ryan?
Seth: Spoil his good mood? He practically skipped out of the kitchen.
Summer: Atwood skipping? Now there's a disturbing and... odd visual.
Seth: Picture this one: Ryan dancing. It's what this woman does to him. If you wanna keep the skip in his step we gotta keep Volchok off his radar.
Summer: Aw. about the video game You play. Volchok is Atwood's krptonite. He'll totally Hulk out.
Seth: You're mixing comic book metaphors. But you think we can keep Marissa quiet?
Summer: Marissa? She can barely put her words together these days.
Seth: She's usually such a wordsmith.
Summer: What does she see in that guy? He's so dirty and greasy.
Seth: He's got good abs. Women like abs. I got a six-pack myself. I know.
Summer: Cohen, those are your ribs.
Seth: Oh.

Summer: You may be Mrs. Cooper-Nichol-Cooper-Roberts, but if you make my dad happy—
Neil: Which she does.
Julie: I do.
Summer: Then I'm happy.

Summer: We have a major problem. Marissa just bailed on our parents' engagement party to skank out with the surf Nazi.
Seth: Your dad and Julie got engaged? You kind of buried the lead there, Summer.
Summer: We've got bigger fish here, Cohen. Marissa is on a slut spiral and we need to stop her.

Summer: The slut is still spiraling. I thought you talked to Ryan.

Julie: Actually Summer, the only thing I'm worried about is my daughter.
Summer: Yeah, me too.

THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW

Julie: Listen, Summer. How worried do I need to be about her?
Summer: I don't know. She's not exactly confiding in me right now.

Taylor: Have you spoken to Marissa lately?
Summer: Well, if you count "Pass the milk" and "Don't be so skanky,"—

Summer about Seth: When you see him, will you give him this. tugs violently on Ryan's hair

Summer: I can't believe Ryan and Sadie are moving to Berkeley together. I think that's so romantic.
Seth: I don't know what Ryan's thinking.
Summer: What are you talking about?
Seth: Well he's 18. I just think college should come first.
Summer: Not if you're with the one you think you should be with. That you'll forever be with.
Seth: Who really knows that at 18?
Summer: I do. long silence Oh my god. You don't.

Marissa: Hey. Where have you been?
Summer: I had to help Taylor set up the bonfire. That girl can handle a chainsaw.

Summer: Remember when the boys made us watch that movie about the gay guys on the mountain?
Marissa: Lord of the Rings.
Summer: Yeah. And remember that Gollum guy, how he got evil and more evil the closer he got to that firey thing? That's kind of how Seth is about Brown.

Summer: I forgive you. But you have to come with me to the sweatshirt party as penance.

THE DAWN PATROL

Taylor: Hey, Sum. If it makes you feel any better, I just saw Seth and he looks as miserable as you do.
Summer: The only thing that would make me feel better would be seeing that ass-less, gut-less wuss skinned, flayed and served as ass-less, gut-less wuss tartar.
Taylor: That's very descriptive, Summer.

Summer after unbreaking up with Seth: It's good to have you back, babe.

Summer: No way. No scheming, no plan Bs, no wacky hijinks? Cohen broke up with me. Only he has the power to unbreak us up. There's no way I'm gonna go groveling back to him like some pathetic brokenhearted little bitch.
Taylor: Do you still love him?
Summer: Yeah. There's something wrong with me, huh?
Taylor: Did he say that he doesn't love you?
Summer: Now that you mention it, no. He did not.
Taylor: You see, he's acting out of fear. He's trapped in an anxiety spiral. And in the rock, paper, scissors of romance, love trumps fear. Actually love trumps everything.

Taylor: Want me to whip up another round of Frappucinos? They say chocolate and sugar send endorphins to your brain. Come on, tell me you feel better.
Summer: He doesn't love me. rests her head on Taylor's shoulder. Aw!

THE COLLEGE TRY

Summer: What am I thinking? Kids at Brown don't wear sparkly scarves. Maybe on the way to the airport I'll stop and get some angry-looking piercing.

Summer to Marissa: 48 hours ago, Coop, you were Newport's Courtney Love.

Brown Guy: The fact is, the US has been performing their own jihads for decades. Just instead of Allah, the killing is done in the name of oil.
Brown Girl: Totally.
Summer: You guys, what is a jihad?
Brown Guy: Exactly.
Brown Girl: Way to reframe the question, Summer.
Summer: Hm.

Summer: So you are going to Brown you just... didn't want to go with me.
Anna running up: How'd it go?
Summer: Anna.
Anna: Summer.
Seth: You're probably really confused right about now.
Summer: No. Not at all. All of this, everything you've done up until now, finally makes sense.

Seth: Summer, you can't just ignore me forever.
Summer: Oh yes I can. Don't you remember middle school? I was really good at ignoring you. Now I'm just getting back in shape.

THE PARTY FAVOR

Summer to Seth: I haven't spoken to you in four days. You think that pancakes are going to make me forget about you and Anna behind my back.

Summer: Not only will I not go to prom with you, but if you and I were stranded on a desert island, I would take the nourishment that your meager frame has to offer and then I would get your bones to the sharks.

Taylor: You were prom queen last year. You have to go.
Summer: Yeah, well, the queen is dead.

Seth: Listen, I don't expect you to respond or even remember this, but the truth is I actually didn't get in to Brown.
Summer: What?! raises her head and thinks better of it. Way too fast.
Seth: I knew you weren't going to go if I didn't go, and I didn't want you to do that. I didn't want you to miss the opportunity so I broke up with you.
Summer: That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
Seth: Yeah, well, then I realized I couldn't be without you so I flew there to try and talk my way in.
Summer: Okay, now that is the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

Summer: I love you.
Seth: I love you too. We can kiss later. Summer throws up again Alright. Want me to hold your crown? Summer throws up again Hey! Rigatoni. Nice.

THE MAN OF THE YEAR

Marissa: Hey, Sum. How are you?
Summer: I wish I could pluck out my eyeballs with a fork and rinse them in a tall glass of ice water.
Marissa: Yeah, that's a hangover.

Summer: Oh my god. Nausea tsunami!

Summer: Oh my god. Mr. C. you totally scared me.
Sandy: Sometimes I scare myself, Summer.

Summer: We just got back together. The window for a make-up hook-up is closing rapidly.

Summer: He told me that he wasn't going to Brown. And then I saw him there with Anna.
Sandy: He said he wasn't going to Brown?
Summer: Well yeah, because he didn't get in. But that was before RISTY.
Sandy: What do you mean, he didn't get in?
Summer: I thought he only lied about it to me.

THE GRADUATES

Summer: I don't think Cohen's the one that needs to get lei-ed.
Taylor: Au contraire, Summer. Have I told you about my after-after-prom party with Sung Ho and Yung Nam? It was hot and spicy and, let's just say I had my very own Korean barbeque.
Summer: I am so off kim chee.

Summer: You guys ever wonder what life would be like if Atwood never came here?
Marissa: I definitely never would have talked to Seth.
Summer: Oh hell no. Me either.

Summer: I can't believe that for a minute I was actually interested in Atwood. laughs Okay, no offense.
Ryan: None taken, beeyotch.
Marissa: It was only until you found out he was from Chino.
Summer: Exactly.
Ryan: You actually invited me to Holly's beach house.
Summer: Oh my god!
Seth: You said she invited me. I'm not faring well, this trip down memory lane.

THE AVENGERS

Summer: I don't do sarcasm anymore. I'm post-ironic.
Seth: You mean earnest?

Summer: So I'm gonna need you to come with me now.
Ryan: Can't do it.
Summer: Right. Running that germy rag across those filthy tables is really important stuff. Look I just flew 3,000 miles—
Ryan: I didn't ask you to.
Summer: No. Seth did. He's worried about you. So are the Cohens. I know you think that you're protecting them but you're not. You're just hurting them. Besides, Seth keeps leaving me these endless, whiny messages that are totally clogging up my voicemail. Ryan, take a deep breath. Just let me do what I do best.
Ryan: Which is what?
Summer: Giving orders. Just do what I say, Atwood. One last time.

THE GRINGOS

Summer to Taylor: How did you get here before me? Do you have a secret twin? Because that would explain so much.

Taylor shocked: When was the last time you shaved your legs? It's like a forest. more shocked Oh my god, your toenails!
Summer: Yeah, I don't do that stuff anymore.
Taylor: Obviously. You've got hobbit feet.

THE COLD TURKEY

Seth: I still can't believe you had no reaction to my tattoo.
Summer: I had a reaction. I told you to get that thing removed.

Sandy: Summer! How're you doing?
Summer: Better than the 2.8 billion people living below the poverty line. Are you okay with that statistic, Mr. Cohen? I don't think so. That's why I have to go.
Sandy: Who knew out of all you kids she'd turn out to be the young Sandy Cohen.
Seth: Had to rub off on someone.

Julie: We can't go on like this anymore, can we?
Summer: No. Summer takes Julie's hand

THE METAMORPHOSIS

Summer kisses Seth
Seth: Careful, lady. My girlfriend's gonna be here any second.
Summer punching Seth: Shut up, Cohen.
Seth: Hey. You just punched me. My baby's back.

THE SUMMER BUMMER

Dean: I'm afraid you're no longer a student here.
Summer: But my dad is living in Seattle with the step-monster. And Taylor Townsend is sleeping in my old bed. And Seth is moving out here so we can be together.
Dean: Ms. Roberts, you need to go home.
Summer: This is my home.

Che: At the reservation they taught us, sometimes the weaker gazelle must be devoured for the good of the herd.
Summer: Oh Che, just shut up, okay? Before I tie you up with hemp rope, set you on fire and get high off the fumes from your burning flesh.
Che: Dark.

Seth: I'm gonna go so Ryan Atwood on his ass.
Summer: Cohen, I don't like this.
Seth ominously: Neither will Che.

Summer: Kaitlin, what's going on?
Kaitlin: Just having a few friends over in my house.
Summer: It's my house. I think.

Kaitlin: Okay, freak. Summer, why is this guy handcuffed to your wrist?
Summer: There's no one handcuffed to my wrist. He doesn't exist.
Kaitlin: Also kind of freaky.

Summer: Cohen, you're here!
Seth: Yeah. And I want to see what this guy's got to say for himself.
Che: Please, Seth. Summer and I are on a journey together.
Summer: Huh?
Seth: You're on a journey. Into the pool.
Summer still handcuffed to Che: What? No! Cohen!

Che: Just know I hate myself more than you can ever hate me.
Summer: I'm capable of a lot of hate.
Seth: It's true.

THE CHRISMUKK-HUH?

Alt-Summer: So you're saying that you ride horses in the valley?
Alt-Seth: No no. I like plastic horses and the show The Valley.
Alt-Summer: Hey! I like that show too and plastic horses What's yours name?
Alt-Seth: Uh, Princess Sparkle. Wait, no no. I mean Captain Oats. I just said Princess Sparkle 'cause I think that's a really cool name.
Alt-Summer: No way. You are not going to believe this...

Alt-Sandy: So? Are you going to explain yourself?
Ryan: The truth is things the way things are now are completely wrong.
Alt-Summer: Who's this random guy we're all listening to and why am I not drunk yet?

THE EARTH GIRLS ARE EASY

Summer: How did I get here? How did I go from being an Ivy League Al Gore-in-the-making to a knocked up college drop out with a boyfriend that forgets to pack his toothbrush when he travels? How did this happen?

Summer: Is that gonna like squirt invisible ink or something?
Seth: No. But it will make you engaged.
Summer: What? Are you insane.
Seth: Possibly.

MY TWO DADS

Taylor: You got engaged? Why didn't you say something sooner?
Summer: Denial.
Taylor: Hm. Romantic.

Taylor: So what are you going to do? Level with him and tell him the truth?
Summer: Frak that. He wants a game of chicken he's gonna get it. I'm goin' Bridezilla on his ass.

Seth: Diamonds. Well if we're really doing this we better do it right.
Summer: Exactly. Which means nothing less than 2 carats.
Seth: Why not three. You're worth it.

Summer: Oh! My brisket is burning.
Julie: I like it chewy.
Summer: Julie, I really appreciate you helping me by filling in for Rabbi Gunderman (?). But this just is not working.
Julie: Right. And whenever you want to let me know what "this" is I'm all ears. As much as I've enjoyed learning the Hebrew alphabet with you.
Summer: This is a ridiculous sham. Not that I don't look forward to one day becoming Jewish.
Julie: Did Seth dare you to do this?
Summer: Um, in a way, yes. We're engaged.
Julie: Oh.

Julie: And now you don't want to call it off because you'll hurt his feelings. Summer shakes her head. Or because if you do he'll get the upperhand.
Summer: Exactly.
Julie: Now we're talking my kind of dating game.
Summer: Manipulating the opposite sex. God, Julie! Why didn't I come to you earlier?
Julie: Thank you, Summer. Look, if you want to take him down you have to kick it up a notch. It's called chutzpah.
Summer: I think it's (correcting the pronunciation) "chutz". Chutzpah.
Julie: Chutzpah.
Summer: Chutz-
Julie: Chutz-
Summer: Never mind. What are you thinking?

Summer: C'mon. No stops, no excuses. I am marrying you tonight.
Seth: Not if I marry you first.

THE DREAM LOVER

Summer: How's Seth? See I kinda turned down his proposal and never heard from him again.
Ryan: Proposal? That's the first time I'm hearing about it.
Summer: Right. For a week now it's been off and on. You expect to believe that not once did he mention anything about a proposal going awry?
Ryan: Right. Well, he had pink eye.
Summer: Pink Eye? Did you have pink eye too?
Ryan: What? Why?
Summer: Well, 'cause Taylor said she didn't hear from you either and she's asked me about you.
Ryan: Well, see, that was because I was helping him with his recovery.

Summer: Your pink eye's all clear.
Seth: Pink eye?
Summer: Yeah. The reason I haven't heard from you. I talked to Ryan.
Che: It was his sciatica.
Seth: Yeah. It gets in the eye, it's, it goes pink.

Summer: Hey Seth, it's me. Just calling to see how you're feeling. Hope that crazy 24-hour flu thing cleared up. And also I don't believe that you have the flu. Okay, bye.

Summer: Now you're going to tell me why I just had to lie to my friend?
Ryan: Ah, because I need to see her.
Summer: Because?
Ryan: I need to tell her how I feel. What?
Summer: Nothing. It's just you don't exactly strike me as the coffee cart type.
Ryan: And what does that mean?
Summer: Look, I'm sure you've changed. Being with Taylor made you more expressive, but articulating your feelings to your girlfriend [is] kind of a challenge.
Ryan: Yeah, but if I don't make some sort of declaration —
Summer: You might lose her. Okay. You just need to take a deep breath, look inside, and say what's from your heart.
Ryan: I can do that.
Summer: Good. One more thing. Taylor has a super big heart and she's super forgiving, but there is a French guy circling that great white shark.
Ryan: Okay, just reminding me of the stakes.
Summer: No. I'm giving you advice because you're my friend and I really want you to work this out.
Ryan: I'm listening.
Summer: Do not choke!
Ryan: Yeah I wasn't going to until you did that.
Summer: God you have a wide neck.
Ryan: Yeah, you have pretty small hands. Thanks for the advice.
Summer: No problem.

THE NIGHT MOVES

Summer: Not that I don't want to play Pictionary and raid Taylor's apocalypse kit, I think we should just go to your house.
Seth: Okay. But I'm still awaiting news on Pancakes.

Taylor: Summer, do you really think Pancakes is in the attic? Like, he pulled down the ladder, hopped up and then put it away?
Summer: Well we have checked everywhere else.

Summer: You know, if there's one thing I've learned over the years it's that you make your own family. And it seems to me you've pulled together quite an awesome one.

Taylor: Summer, how can we keep looking for Pancakes when there's a giant elephant in the room.
Summer: We walk around the elephant—it may be big but we are crafty.
Taylor: The boys should have been back over an hour ago. Aren't you worried?
Summer: No, I'm not worried. I'm freaking terrified, okay? That's why I'm focusing on jus t finding Pancakes and not about the the fact that my boyfriend could be laying on the side of the road ravaged by zombies.

Summer: Go 187 on that zombie ass.

Taylor's mom: I'm not holding the rabbit. Unless you promise I can make a vest out of him.
Summer: I'll carry Pancakes.

THE END'S NOT NEAR, IT'S HERE

Six months later...

Summer: Oh! Real Life Jake broke up with Real Life April!
Taylor: What are you doing?
Summer: I told Seth that I wouldn't watch "Briefcase or No Briefcase" until he got home. So I'm reading about The Valley.
Taylor: Oh my god, that show's still on?
Summer: It just got picked up for five more seasons. You know these teen dramas just run forever.

Summer about Pancakes: Oh my god. I'm a bad crack mother.

Summer: Ow! Soap stings!
Taylor: Well that's because it's lye.

Summer: Do you think that Seth and I are making a mistake? Living together after the earthquake and then getting an apartment together next year in Providence?
Julie: Um, well, you know I got married so young that I never had a chance to find out who I was or what I cared about. I mean, I never went to college or learned any real skills. And now here I am, twenty years later. Still knocked up on my wedding day. Summer, you're a great girl. And the world deserves to know you You deserve it too. Don't settle for comfortable.

Ryan: Alright Roberts. I'll see you.
Summer: Alright, Atwood.
Ryan: And thank you so much for Flapjacks. I promise I'll raise him right.
Summer: Don't forget to clean his cage. Which should not be used for cage fights.

Summer: Just remember, this isn't goodbye. You're my destiny, Cohen.
Seth: Go save the world, Summer Roberts.

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