Various and Sundry Short Stories

Things Not to Do on the Internet While at Work

CLEAN OUT YOUR INBOX, KIDS
Or How to Lose a Severance Package in 3... 2... 1...

A few years ago, a co-worker of mine was "let go". Because "shown his dumbass to the door" was too long to puton the termination paperwork. Mainly because he couldn't design his way out of a well-designed packaging piece. Before he was given his walking papers—in anticipation of a nasty departure—I was instructed to look through his emails for anything that would prove he had been running another business while he was on the clock.

So I start to go through his emails and found out, first, that he never threw anything away. Even his Sent Emails. I had to look through upwards of 4000 emails dating back several years.

And what, pray tell, did I find? As suspected, he had been running another business instead of doing his assigned work. And it appeared to take up the majority of his time. Grounds for termination right there. But was it grounds to offset any protest he might make? No. However...

He had been sending emails to numerous escort services whilst at work. Not only THAT, but he had saved an email sent to three different escort services to arrange a "date", explaining that it was a birthday present for a friend who would be "pleasantly surprised" when he got home and found a woman waiting for him. He told them their payment would be in the mailbox.

But here's the fun part: the address he gave to these escorts was his own. He was so pathetic he was hiring prostitutes and pretending they were for a friend. If you're gonna hire a hooker, hire a damn hooker. Trust me, they won't think any less of you than they already do.

A few other highlights:

• An introductory email to a middle-aged couple in Duluth looking for a third in their threesome.

• an awesome and lengthy exchange of emails between some friends of his. He apparently got drunk, made a ridiculous bet, and tried to weasel out of it once he sobered up. They wouldn't let him. And I got the feeling they weren't all that fond of him in the first place.

• a series of emails back and forth between his girlfriend. She had hooked up with some other guy and they broke up for a bit. Plenty of angry accusations back and forth. Although the exchange that took the cake was a quick, "I have a sore on my lip. Do you have herpes?"

Yeah, he apparently did. Ew.

THE PORN SURFER(S)

One Thursday we installed a firewall because of various software issues. My partner in crime and I discussed it and decided to turn on the logs to see where people were going whilst still keeping access open. Fair enough. He leaves Thursday night, not to return until Tuesday (his day job). So here I am, the only one in the building who knows we're monitoring website access. With access to the logs. You get where this is going, right?

I have it set up so that every time someone accesses a website the firewall deems dicey, I get emailed. So the emails start coming in. Gambling sites, dating sites, humor sites, porn sites... escort sites... shemale sites... gay porn sites... and I have the static IP addresses so I know EXACTLY who's going where.

I'm starting to get severely squicked out, sitting alone in my office with no one to share this with. And I'm apparently surrounded by men who surf the web all day. And go to some questionnable places.

So Friday's over and the weekend commences. And then, sadly, ends. I get into work and check the logs. Now keep in mind that there are only a few people who work on the weekends. Two, in fact.

One of them surfed porn sites—pretty tame—and one of them surfed hardcore gay porn. He's married with four kids. Although, let's just say I wasn't surprised.

So I kept the web open and casually monitor access throughout the day. By the end of it, I had called up my partner, completely disgusted, and turned on the filter. I couldn't deal with thinking that everywhere around me men were looking at naked chicks.

No one was ready to admit that they were being blocked. It took hours for someone to be brave enough to ask me what was going on. I have no idea if anyone knew that I was monitoring it, but a few guys looked pretty sheepish around me for awhile. I still have the logs. I will always have the logs.

And the IP addresses.

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