THE PORN SURFER
One Thursday we installed a firewall because of various software issues. My partner in crime and I discussed it and decided to
turn on the logs to see where people were going whilst still keeping access open. Fair enough. He leaves Thursday night, not to return until
Tuesday (his day job). So here I am, the only one in the building who knows we're monitoring website access. With access to the logs. You get
where this is going, right?
I have it set up so that every time someone accesses a website the firewall deems dicey, I get emailed. So the emails start coming
in. Gambling sites, dating sites, humor sites, porn sites... escort sites... shemale sites... gay porn sites... and I have the static IP addresses
so I know EXACTLY who's going where.
I'm starting to get severely squicked out, sitting alone in my office with no one to share this with. And I'm apparently surrounded
by men who surf the web all day. And go to some questionnable places.
So Friday's over and the weekend commences. And then, sadly, ends. I get into work and check the logs. Now keep in mind that there
are only a few people who work on the weekends. Two, in fact.
One of them surfed porn sites—pretty tame—and one of them surfed hardcore gay porn. He's married with four kids. Although,
let's just say I wasn't surprised.
So I kept the web open and casually monitor access throughout the day. By the end of it, I had called up my partner, completely
disgusted, and turned on the filter. I couldn't deal with thinking that everywhere around me men were looking at naked chicks.
No one was ready to admit that they were being blocked. It took hours for someone to be brave enough to ask me what was going
on. I have no idea if anyone knew that I was monitoring it, but a few guys looked pretty sheepish around me for awhile. I still have the logs.
I will always have the logs.
And the IP addresses.
Speaking of offenders, I have a story about one of the biggest:
CLEAN OUT YOUR INBOX, KIDS
Or How to Lose a Severance Package in 3... 2... 1...
A few years ago, a co-worker of mine was "let go". Mainly because he couldn't design his way out of a Print magazine.
And before he was axed, I was instructed to look through his emails for anything that would prove he had been conducting other business while
he was on the clock.
Which made sense. So I start to go through his emails and found out that he never threw anything away. I had to look
through 4000 emails, both sent and received, dating back years.
And what, pray tell, did I find? Oh, not much. He had been running another business instead of working for us. And it appeared
to take up the majority of his time at work.
But the best part? He had also been soliciting escort services whilst at work. Not only THAT, but he had saved (and I still have)
an email sent to a few escort services to arrange a "date", explaining that it was a surprise birthday present for a friend who would
be "pleasantly surprised". He told them the money would be in the mailbox.
Only—here's the kicker—the address he gave was his own. HA! Just sad on so many levels.
The other highlights: an email to a middle-aged couple in Duluth looking for a threesome. That was a classic.
There was this awesome exchange of emails between some friends where he apparently got drunk, made a ridiculous bet, and the next
day tried to weasel out of it. They wouldn't let him. And I got the feeling they weren't all that dond of him.
Also a series of emails back and forth between his girlfriend. She had kissed another guy and they broke up for a bit. Plenty
of angry emails. Although the exchange that took the cake was a quick, "Hi, honey. I have a sore on my lip. Do you have herpes?"
Yeah, he apparently did.
