Quotes from Stargate SG-1

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General Hammond, you will be missed. Safe travels.

General Hammond: You ever think of writing a book about your military exploits?
Colonel Jack O 'Neill: I've thought about it. But then I'd have to shoot anybody that actually read it. pause That's a joke, sir.

Samantha C arter: You know you really will like me when you get to know me.
O'Neill: Oh, I adore you already.

Carter: It took us 15 years and 3 super computers to MacGyver a system for the gate on Earth.

O'Neill: No, sir? Does it say "colonel" anywhere on my uniform?

Dr. Daniel Jackson: This tastes like chicken.
Carter: So what's wrong with it?
Jackson: It's macaroni and cheese.

Carter: I guess I've always had a thing for the lunatic fringe.

Teal'c: You received permission for me to fire my staff weapon in the gate room?
Carter: Oh yeah.
Jackson: Absolutely.

Carter: Are you crazy? It's a paradise.
Jackson: Yeah, sure, have an apple. What could happen?

O'Neill: Sorry to drop in on you like this, but we were... dead.

Jackson: Hathor was the Egyptian goddess of fertility, inebriety, and music.
O'Neill: Sex, drugs, and rock and roll?

Carter: You didn't think the Colonel had a telescope on his roof just to look at the neighbors, did you?
O'Neill: Not initially.

O'Neill: I think I cracked a rib, too.
Carter: Why didn't you say something?
O'Neill: I was afraid you'd try to put a splint on it.

Jaffa are trying to break down the door.
O'Neill: Just a minute!

O'Neill: Well, we have a number of... shuttles.
Bra'tac: These shuttles, they are a formidable craft?
O'Neill: Oh, yeah. Yeah. Bad day.

Bra'tac: Now we die.
O'Neill: Well, that's a bad plan.

Jackson: P2A-509!
O'Neill: Little brain damage along the way?

O'Neill: General, without meaning, this time, to sound like a smartass, are you cracked?

Teal'c: Things will not calm down, Daniel Jackson. They will, in fact, calm up.

Jackson: This is the Hall of Might?
Gairwyn: You were expecting something different?
Jackson: Well, uh... maybe a hall.

O'Neill: It's "O'Neill," with two L's. There's another Colonel O'Neil with only one L, and he has no sense of humor at all.

Maybourne: Striking an officer is a quick way to a court martial.
O'Neill: I'm not gonna hit you, Maybourne. I'm gonna shoot you.

Hiding in a storage closet
Jackson: I won't lie to you. There is a problem. We have to find Jack.
Tonané: Okay. pause. He's not in here.

O'Neill: How do I know you're really Daniel?
Jackson: Because.
O'Neill: Yeah. Okay.

O'Neill: We came here in peace, and we expect to go in one... piece.

Maybourne: Teal'c. It's good to see you well.
Teal'c: In my culture, I would be well within my rights to dismember you.

O'Neill: Apparently I have lost the fallatus to speak properly. That wasn't a joke! I didn't do that on purpose!

O'Neill: All right, describe for me the dress your sister wore last week when I took her out.
Jackson: I don't have a sister, Jack, and if I did, I wouldn't let you near her.

O'Neill: That's between you and your god. Oh, wait a minute. You are your god. That's a problem.

An officer asks them in Russian if they're spies.
Jackson: Nyet.
O'Neill: Daniel!
Jackson: He just asked if we were Soviet spies and— realizes the problem
Guard: Come with me.
O'Neill: on the way out: Nyet?

O'Neill: Well, it's hard to say.
Thornbird: Some sort of state secret?
O'Neill: No, just difficult to pronounce.

O'Neill: All right, I gotta know. What the hell does "kree" mean?
Jackson: Well, actually, it means a lot of things. Loosely translated it means "attention," "listen up," "concentrate—"
O'Neill: "Yoo hoo"?

Aris Boch: And you, O'Neill, you're considered, well, you're a pain in the mikta.
O'Neill: Neck?
Aris Boch: No.

Teal'c: Have you not read the Bible, O'Neill?
O'Neill: Oh, yeah, yeah... Not all of it. Actually, I'm listening to it on tape. Don't tell me how it ends.

Teal'c: They are intar.
O'Neill: Short for?
Teal'c: Intar.

Urgo: Wait! I can be dull! Want me to be dull? What a nice shade of gray. How about some white bread with mayonnaise? Wanna watch golf on television?
O'Neill: Will you flip that switch?!

O'Neill: You know me, I'm a huge fan of subtlety, but that's downright encrypted.

Jackson: No no no no! Nick! Nick, I'm real! I'm real! You're not hallucinating!
Nicholas Ballard: Hallucinations always say that.

O'Neill: So, what's your impression of Alar?
Teal'c: That he is concealing something.
O'Neill: Like what?
Teal'c: I am unsure. He is concealing it.

Anise: Your strength is five times that of a normal human.
O'Neill: So, no increase then, huh?

Markov: The sub is Swiss.
Jackson: So they occasionally catch fire, but they keep perfect time. pause Sorry. I think I've been hanging around Jack O'Neill too much.

Jackson: This is a radio. It's so my friends can find me, and shoot you.

Teal'c: Trust in me, O'Neill.
O'Neill: What if I'm not O'Neill?
Teal'c: Then I was not talking to you.

O'Neill: There's a man... He's bald and wears a short-sleeved shirt, and somehow he's very important to me. I think his name is Homer.

Martin : A top-secret government program involving instantaneous travel to other solar systems by means of a device known as a stargate.
O'Neill: Sounds like a good idea for a TV show. If you're into that sort of thing.

O'Neill: We didn't spring a leak. Although I may have just... taken one.

Jackson: Mak tal shree! Lok tak. Mekta satak Oz! Mok tal Oz kree!
Jackson: I don't think they bought my act.
Jacob: Why? Who'd you say you were?
Jackson: The... ah... Great and Powerful Oz.

Teal'c: I have read of a place where humans do battle in a ring of Jell-o.
O'Neill: Call Daniel.

Colonel Simmons: Need I remind you, Dr. Jackson, of the dangers that we're trying to defend Earth against?
Jackson: Oh, could you? I mean, go slow.

Martin: So, three shots disintegrates them.
Director: You know what? I'm going to pretend you didn't say that. Because that is quite possibly the stupidest thing I've ever heard you say.

Carter: If it comes right down to it, we can detonate it right here. What's our position?
Jackson: Well, personally, I'm against it. But if you want to know where the ship is, we're about five meters above the surface at the bottom of the crater.

Kershaw: I feel better just knowing there's an archaeologist watching our backs.
Jackson: Yeah, which end do the bullets go in again?

Jonas Quinn: Hey, Major? How do I know what color to wear?
Carter: We call each other every morning.

O'Neill: Hammond is insisting SG1 needs a socio-politcial nerd to offset our overwhelming coolness.
Teal'c: Have you considered Jonas Quinn?
O'Neill: Now I know you've been practicing but I still can't tell. Is that a joke?

O'Neill: I forgot to tape The Simpsons. It's important to me.

Carter: Inertial dampeners.
O'Neill: Cool... and check. Phasers?
Carter: Sorry, Sir.

Her'ak: No matter what you have endured, you have never experienced the likes of what Anubis is capable of.
O'Neill: You ended that sentence with a preposition. Bastard.

O'Neill sarcastically: Why look, everybody! He's got Coombs with him!

Baal: Do you not know the pain you will suffer for this impudence?
O'Neill: I don't know the meaning of the word. pause Seriously, "impudence," what does that mean?

O'Neill: Suffice to say you might want to get upstairs and punch one on the old speed dial.
Hammond: My grandchildren?
O'Neill: Two, then.

Quinn: Well, that, and I've always been suspicious of a girl who kisses on the first date.

O'Neill: Teal'c without Junior... That's a concept.

Carter: There's no redundancy for that particular system.
O'Neill: So you're saying theres no redundancy?

Native pointing toward Teal'c: He is Jaffa.
O'Neill: No, but he plays one on TV.

Carter: Our goal is to take out Anubis' new super weapon. It's what gives him a clear advantage over the rest of the Goa'uld mother ships. Now, we've received word from Teal'c that Yu has pledged to bring the full force of the remaining system lords' fleet down on Anubis once we've succeeded.
O'Neill: Okay. Everyone who thinks this is absolutely an insane idea, raise your hand. Come on, be honest.
Everyone, including Carter, eventually raise their hand

Quinn: Well, can't you do some kind of a... keyword search?
Jackson: For what, "Achilles"?
Quinn: Well, that's good. I'm glad to see that your memory's finally coming back, not to mention your razor-sharp wit.

O'Neill: What's your situation?
Jackson: I'm hiding. What's yours?

Jackson: Okay, well... There's no easy way to tell you this so... Sam's just gonna come right out and say it.
Sam gives him a look.
Carter: Well, sir... as you know, the Asgard depend on cloning technology...
Young O'Neill: Oh, for cryin' out loud...
Teal'c: You have been cloned, O'Neill.

O'Neill: I hope shots of my ass serve you well.

Burke: Okay, my name is Burke and I'll be your guide. Today we'll be looking at indigeneous vegetation of Central America. Watch your step, Ladies. We're not in Minnesota.
O'Neill: Easy.

Guide: Go on. Save your friends.
O'Neill and Burke share questioning looks.
Guide: They owe me lots of money.
O'Neill and Burke: Uh huh. they leave

Jackson: It's okay, it's off now.
O'Neill: Good.That's good.
Lee: At least we think it's off.
Jackson: The glowing thing really gives it away. And it's not glowing anymore. So if it's not glowing any more it shouldn't be on any more.
Lee: Do you wanna hold it?
Jackson: No.

Weir: Is this a joke?
Kinsey: No. hands her a note
Weir: What is it?
Kinsey: A note from the president.
She opens the note: This is not a joke.

Carter: 23 across. "What is the weight of boron." You wrote fat.
O'Neill: So?

O'Neill: I've spent my whole life sticking it to the man.
Jackson: Well now you will be the man.
O'Neill: I don't think I can be the man.

Jackson: Teal'c, I know it isn't your strongest suit, but this is not the time for jokes.

O'Neill trying to make a decision: Do you know what it took to get approval for Tailgate Tuesdays? Bra'tac smiles. Will there be cake?

Corinne: I have chosen poorly for a husband!
Ryak: Then perhaps I have chosen poorly as well!
they storm off
Bra'tac: I can see why one must rehearse these events.

O'Neill: Teal'c. Are you there?
Teal'c: Proceed, O'Neil.
O'Neill: You know how I get when you don't call.

Technician: Let me ask you something. Being here late at night, do you ever get the urge to just dial up random planets and check it out for a minute or two?
Dialer Guy: That would be a no.
Technician: Yeah. Me... me neither.

O'Neill about the Asgard: Usually they ask nicely before they ignore us and do what they damn well please.

Jackson: What's this?
Carter: This is [ethylpropyl-something].
Jackson: Which is?
Carter: Nerve gas.
Jackson: Okay. Putting that back.

Bad Guy: Our position's been compromised. We can't take them with us.
Jackson: I don't mind going for a little ride.
Carter: Me neither.

Aries' Prime: Know this, Shol'va (sp?), I will see to it that you suffer slowly.
Teal'c: And I will see to it that you die quickly.

Carter: We need to come up with a code word to let us know if you need help.
Kinsey: How about something simple like... help?

Jackson: Your English is excellent.
Russian Captain: Thank you. Do you speak Russian?
Jackson in Russian: I'm conversational. I think I can get by.
Russian Captain: We'll stick to English then.

Joe: Between you and me, I totally see the analogy: Burns as Gou'ald.

Jackson: What's this?
Hammond: Non-disclosure agreement. What we're about to discuss has been classified top secret by the United States government.
Jackson: What if we don't want to sign it?
Hammond: Then you're free to leave.
Carter hurriedly signs it.

Teal'c: Where is the rest of your team, Colonel Mitchell?
Mitchell: Actually it's still kind of SG-Me.

Mitchell after being turned down by the former SG-1: Well, Walter. Doesn't look like we're getting the band back together.

O'Neill: You get well soon. And when you do, you can do anything you want... and I mean... professionally. Anything. Well not... anything.

Vala to Mitchell: I know we haven't met. That, I'm sure I would remember.

Vala to Teal'c: Give it a try, Muscles. I'll give you half.

Jackson: Isn't that why we're doing this, all of this? The Stargate program, the [?]. So we can meet new races, gather advanced technology, possibly learn about ourselves in the process.
Vala: Oh c'mon. You do it to meet women.
Mitchell: She has a point, sir.

Vala: I've got tingles all over. And don't flatter yourself. I'm pretty sure it's not you.

Mitchell: Well I suppose after you save the world 7 or 8 times...
O'Neill: Who's counting.
Mitchell: Teal'c actually. He mentions it all the time.

Bra'tac is attempting to fly the ship into the Ori
Mitchell: Teal'c, this is crazy and not the good kind of crazy. You know that.

Mitchell: Yeah, I was getting worked up, cussing at Teal'c, telling him to "go home. Leave me." It must have been 20 minutes that I realized he had gone home and I was sittin' there talking to myself.

Vala: Funny, he doesn't look excited.
Mitchell: Trust me. Like a kid who was up all night on Christmas Eve.
Vala: I thought we imposed a moratorium on cultural references I wouldn't understand.

Vala: What's this?
Landry: Let's just call it a Welcome Back present.
Vala: These are—
Landry: Team badges. You're now officially a member of SG-1.
Carter: Congratulations. You earned it.

Mitchell: Yep. She's a real beauty.
Vala: Stabilizers are a bit wonky, I'm afraid. Makes for a bumpy ride. But it's all perfectly safe.
Mitchell: Really?
Vala: Not exactly.
Jackson: We gave you as much raw naquadah as you needed and all you came up with was this piece of junk?
Vala: People's lives are at stake, Daniel. Do you honestly think that I cheaped out on the ship and pocketed the difference? an alarm goes off
Mitchell: What's that?
Vala: Life support seems to be failing. to Teal'c Can you take over? changes crystals and the alarm stops
Mitchell: Great, you fixed that. How about fixing the stabilizers?
Vala: Oh, I didn't fix anything. I just disabled that annoying alarm.

Villager: I should warn you. No one has ever returned from the quest alive. If you value your lives, you would do well to reconsider.
Mitchell: We appreciate that, but that is quitter talk.

Mitchell: You should come with us.
Barmaid: My place is here. I'll be fine. Mitchell hesitates. I'll blame everything on you.
Mitchell: Good plan.

Osrick: This is it! The cave entrance. The Sangraal is located within.
Mitchell: It's too bad you won't be coming with us.
Ba'al: I thought I made it clear: you need me.
Mitchell: I wasn't talking to you.
Ba'al: Oh. Well, ah, allow me to get out of your line of fire.

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