Quotes from The Simpsons
Treehouse of Horror
II
Marge: Hello everyone. Before last year's Halloween show I warned you not to let your children watch. But you did anyway. Hm. Well, this year's episode is even worse. It's scarier, more violent, and I think they snuck in some bad language too. So please, tuck in your children and— Well, if you didn't listen to me last time, you're not going to now. Enjoy the show.
about the Bart t-shirt: $18 for this? What a ripoff!
Lisa: I wish for world peace.
Homer: Lisa that was very selfish of you!
England: Eh, sorry about the Faulklands, old boy.
Argentina: Oh, forget it. We kind of knew they were yours.
Kodos: People of Earth! We come to you in the spirit of hostility and menace!
Ms. Krabapple: Well class, the history of our country has been changed again. To correspond with Bart's answers on yesterday's test. America was now discovered in 1942 by... "Some Guy." And our country isn't called America anymore. It's "Boner Land."
Mr. Burns: Bad corpse! Bad corpse! Stop scaring Smithers!
Mr. Burns: Dammit, Smithers! This isn't rocket science, it's brain surgery.
III
IV
Marge: Bart, stop pestering Satan!
V
Willy: Don't be hard on the wee boy. His father is going to go ga ga and chop 'em all into haggis.
Bart: What's haggis?
Willy: You read my mind boy. You've got the shinning!
Bart: You mean "shining"?
Willy: Shh! You want to get sued?
Homer: Well, what do you think, Marge? All I need is a title. I was thinking along the lines of... No TV and
no beer make Homer something something.
Marge: Go crazy?
Homer: Don't mind if I do!
Homer Simpson: Mmmm... unprocessed fish sticks.
Homer: cocks shotgun To the book depository!
VII
Marge: You went into the attic? I'm very disappointed and terrified.
Dr. Hibbert: Yes, I remember Bart's birth well. You don't forget a thing like Siamese twins.
Lisa: I believe they prefer to be called "conjoined twins".
Dr. Hibbert: And Hillbillys prefer to be called "Sons of the Soil". But it ain't gonna happen.
Dr. Hibbert: We've got to find Hugo.
Homer: We'll search out every place a sick, twisted ,solitary misfit might run to.
Lisa: I'll start with Radio Shack.
Lisa: My god! I've created life!
Marge from downstairs: Lisa! Breakfast! We're having waffles.
Lisa: Oo! Waffles!
Lisa: So how are my little Stone Age tub dwellers? checks Oh my gosh! They're evolving so quickly. They've already reached the Renaissance. Wait. One of them is nailing something to the door of the Cathedral. I've created Lutherans!
Kodos: Take us to your leader!
Homer: Well I guess you mean President Clinton. He usually hangs around Washington D.C.
Kang: President Clin-Ton? Excellent.
Homer: Except there's this election next week, so after that it might not be him anymore. It might be what's his name. Uh, Mumbly Joe. I saw him on TV the other... Bob Dole!
X
Lisa: We've gotta go to the police!
Bart: They'll never believe a Simpson killed a Flanders by accident. Even I have my doubts.
Homer: Okay Marge, you hide in the abandoned amusement park. Lisa, the pet cemetary. Bart, spooky roller disco. And I'll go skinny dipping in that lake where the sexy teens were killed one hundred years ago tonight.
Skinner: Uh oh. Radiation. Duck and cover!
Skinner: Oh my god! Lisa! She's been crushed. And so have the hopes of our Mathletics team.
The Collector: I have here the only working phaser ever built. It was fired only once. To keep Willian Shatner from making another album.
Lisa: Bart just let me drop and save yourself!
Bart: What do you think I've ben trying to do!
Bart: Wow! Thanks for saving us.
Lucy Lawless: No problem. NoOw let's get you kids home.
Lucy flies, carrying Bart and Lisa.
Lisa: Wait a minute, Xena can't fly.
Lucy Lawless: I told you, I'm not Xena. I'm Lucy Lawless.
Lenny: Hey Homer, weren't you the plant's Y2K compliance officer?
Homer: Absolutely.
Carl: Must have been hard debugging all those computers, huh, Homer?
Homer: Doin' what now?
Lisa: You did fix them, right Dad? Because even a single faulty unit could corrupt every other computer in the world.
Homer: That can't be true, honey. If it were I'd be terrified.
Homer: Well those Ivory Tower eggheads have screwed us again.
Lisa: Look at the "wonders" of the computer age now.
Homer: Wonders Lisa? Or blunders?
Lisa: I think that was implied by what I said.
Homer: Implied... Or implode?
XI
Dr. Hibbert: Another broccoli-related death.
Marge: But I thought broccoli was—
Dr. Hibbert: Oh yes. One of the deadliest plants on Earth. Why, it tries to warn you itself with its terrible taste.
XII
Homer: Leprachauns? Don't they live in Ireland?
Moe: Yeah, but they come over here in the wheel wells of Aer Lingus planes.
Mrs. Krabapple to Bart: Lisa's casting spells at an eighth grade level. You've sinned against nature.
XIII
Homer: Now, before I abandon you in this cornfield, does anyone remember the way home?
Homer clone: I do.
Homer shoots the clone.
Homer: Anybody else?
Another clone raises his hand. Homer shoots him.
Homer: Anybody else? Come on.
Another clone raises his hand and gets shot.
Homer: Okay, everyone out.
Lisa: Dad, is there anything you'd like to tell us about this horde?
Homer: You'd think so. But no.
XIV
Kang: Pathetic humans! They're showing a Halloween episode. In November!
Kodos: Who's still thinking about Halloween? We've already got our Christmas decorations up.
Bart: Please don't take me! Take Milhouse. We all know there's no happy ending there.
Death: Your time is up.
Homer killing Death: This is for Snowball I and JFK!
Homer: Death! Death! We miss you so much. You were a busboy in the restaurant of life. Clearing away the oldies and the sickies and the chokies. And you made NASCAR racing exciting.
Sir, I'm honored to inform you that you've won the Nobel Prize.
Homer: The Nobel Prize? Finally! So it's for what? My whole deal?
Frink: We had to replace several vital organs with machinery. But that doesn't make you any less of a man. Except... you have no penis. In the, uh, traditional sense.
Father Frink: So what am I? Some kind of a tin can man from Planet Tomorrow?
Lisa: Sir, your son has brought you into the twenty-first century. It's a lot like the twentieth except everybody's afraid and the stock market's much lower.
Father Frink: Hey, 700 Club, you look like a healthy specimen.
Flanders: Well I did finish first in the walk for the cure. Of homosexuality!
Jennifer Garner: You know Doctor Hershbach, our jobs are actually not that different.
Doctor Hershbach: I disagree.
Father Frink: Every brain unlocks more secrets of the Universe! Muffins are surprisingly high in calories. The pyramids were actually built by Sears.
Lisa: He's right! It all checks out.
Bart: Do you realize what this means?
Milhouse: Yeah... But... you say it first.
Lisa: Why can't I tinker with the fabric of existence?
Homer: Let the baby have her bottle.
XV
Bart: Am I the only one here who's in horrible pain?
Homer: You're the only one who won't shut up about it!
Flanders: Concussion diddly... hemmorhage doodly... injury bodily...
Flanders: What the Family Circus! A scond premonition came to fruition. Lord, why have you given me these unholy visions of doom? Sees the Rosie O'Donnell Musical—Closed after 3 performances. Well I didn't need any special power to know that was coming.
Lisa: Mr. Flanders, why are you moving?
Flanders: Because I had a vision of myself shooting your father.
Bart: In this neighborhood, who hasn't.
Flanders: Homer please, don't tempt the gods. I mean God. There's one god. Only one. Well, sometimes there's three.
Flanders: Quit whackin' my barrel!
Homer: Never.
Scotland Yard
Our motto: "What's all this, then?"
Mysterious Hindu: Please, I am not a killer! I am but a humble purveyor of disgusting British food. Lark tongues,head pudding, eel pies.
Inspector: Eel pie? My favorite!
We British sure eat crap.
Inspector: You'll never catch me! I'm travelling at the speed of wind!
Professor Frink: Let the commencement beginulate!
Lisa: Dad, you should listen to him. He's a man of science and you can barely read.
Professor Frink: Watch out for retroviruses. Oh ho boy, are they retro. It's a fun design by R. Crumb. Who was friends with Harvey Pekar. Seriously though, touch one and you're dead.
Homer: I need a mouth hole. Um... and some other holes too.
XVI
Kodos: Smooth move, Space Lax. You've destroyed the totality of existence.
Kang: It'll be fine. I'll just leave a note.
Flanders: Hi-diddly-ho! There's no bot like a robot! David punches Flanders. Ow. My Flander Doodles.
Bart: Eat my shorts!
David: I will comply.
Lisa: I hate going to the zoo. I feel so sorry for the animals.
Homer: Lisa, the zoo opens
up a whole new world for the animals. In the wild, they would never experience boredom, obesity, loss of purpose. You know, the American Dream!
Robot: Tell me, young man, what is it like to have feelings?
Bart: I said I'm human, not a girl.
Lisa: Dad, Dad! Wake up! You're not a robot. You're just possessed by the Devil.
Bart: No fair! Dad gets to shoot wild animals. But I kill one bird and I have to go to a psychiatrist.
Marge: Mm. He still thinks that hobo was a bird.
Agnes: Seymour, I told you not to go as GI Joe.
Skinner: Mother I'm fine. I— checks pants. Uh oh.
Wiggum: I'm Jared from the Subway ads! I'm only a little overweight and sexually ambiguous.
XVIII
Kodos: You are very observant Lisa. That's why I have a special job for you. Go find out the secret locations of your country's missle defense systems.
Lisa: They were in yesterday's New York Times.
Bart: You killed them!
Kodos: Well done Columbo! That's right, we watch Columbo. It's on during rainouts of Gleep Glop games.
Mr. Burns: Greetings, 241.
Homer: Why does he always bring up my weight!
Marge: You're a killer for hire!
Homer: You ruined that pie!
Bart: Trick or Treat isn't just some phrase you chant mindlessly like The Lord's Prayer. It's an oral contract.
Nelson: You're right. We've forgotten the old ways.
Lenny: How is this a prank? Give me back my TV.
Lisa: I fed your fish.
Lenny: You overfed them. You're the worst one of all.
Bart: He died as he lived. As a dork!
Flanders: No! The lesson here is he's being punished for thinking women are beautiful!
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