Quotes from The Simpsons

Other Springfield Residents

Kent Brockman: Are cartoons too violent for children? Most people would say, "No, of course not. What kind of stupid question is that?" But one woman says, "Yes." And she's here with us tonight. Mrs. Marge Simpson.

Moe: Homer, lighten up! You're making Happy Hour bitterly ironic.

Mr. Burns: You know, I'm no art critic. But I know what I hate.

Professor Frink: All right, according to the gas chromatograph, the secret ingredient is... love? Who's been screwing with this thing?

Krusty: We're going to the happiest place on Earth—Tijuana!

Apu: Please do not offer my god a peanut.

Ned: Homer, God didn't set your house on fire.
Rev. Lovejoy: No, but He was working in the hearts of your friends and neighbors when they came to your aid. Be they Christian, Jew, or... miscellaneous.
Apu: Hindu! There are 700 million of us.
Rev. Lovejoy: Aw, that's super.

Mr. Burns: Smithers, do you think you could dig up Al Jolson?
Smithers: Ummm... remember we tried that, sir?
Mr. Burns: Oh right, he's dead... and rather pungent. The rest of that night is something I'd like to forget.

Dr. Nick: singing The kneebone's connected to the... something. The something's connected to the... red thing. The red thing's connected to my wrist watch... Uh oh.

Chief Wiggum on phone: Uh, Mrs. Simpson, I have some bad news. Your husband was found DOA.
Marge: Oh my god! He's dead?
Chief Wiggum: Oh, I'm sorry. He was DUI. I get those two confused. hangs up phone
Woman walks in: My name is Mrs. Phillips. You said my husband was DUI?
Chief Wiggum: Uh... talk to one of those officers over there. I'm going to lunch.

Lionel Hutz: Well, he's kind of had it in for me ever since I kind of ran over his dog. Actually, replace "kind of" with "repeatedly," and replace "dog" with "son."

Joey Ramone: Go to hell, you old bastard!
Mr. Burns: Have the Rolling Stones killed.
Smithers: But sir, those aren't—
Mr. Burns: Do as I say!

Homer: Moe, I need your advice.
Moe: Yeah?
Homer: See, I got this friend named... Joey Jo Jo... Junior... Shabadoo.
Moe: That's the worst name I ever heard.
Joey runs out of the bar sobbing
Barney: Hey! Joey Jo Jo!

Ralph: Me fail English? That's unpossible!

Abe: Let's see... I'm an Elk, a Mason, a communist... I'm the president of the Gay and Lesbian Alliance for some reason. Ah, here it is! The Stonecutters.

Kent Brockman: I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Democracy just doesn't work.

Kent Brockman: Now, over the years a newsman learns a number of things that for one reason or another he cannot report. It doesn't matter now, so... the following people are gay (names run by on screen)

Announcer: Your cable television is experiencing difficulties. Please do not panic. Resist the temptation to read or talk to loved ones. Do not attempt sexual relations, as years of TV radiation have left your genitals withered and useless.
Wiggum: checking Well I'll be damned.

Burns: singing Some men hunt for sport, others hunt for food. The only thing I'm hunting for is an outfit that looks good.
sung to "Be Our Guest"
See my vest, see my vest, made from real gorilla chest.
Feel this sweater, there's none better than authentic Irish Setter.
See this hat? Twas my cat. My eveningwear? Vampire bat.
These white slippers are albino African endangered rhino.
Grizzly bear underwear, turtles' necks. I've got my share.
Beret of poodle on my noodle it shall rest.
Try my red robin suit, it comes one breast or two.
See my vest! See my vest! See my vest!
Like my loafers? Former gophers! It was that or skin my chauffeurs,
But a greyhound fur tuxedo would be best.

Willie in French class: Bonjour, ye cheese-eatin' surrender monkeys!

Eddie: Do you hold a grudge against Montgomery Burns?
Moe: No! *buzz* Alright, maybe I did, but I didn't shoot him. *ding*
Eddie: Checks out. Okay, sir, you're free to go.
Moe: Good, 'cause I got a hot date tonight. *buzz* A date. *buzz* Dinner with a friend. *buzz* Dinner alone. *buzz* Watching TV alone. *buzz* Alright! I'm going to sit at home and ogle the ladies in the Victoria's Secret catalog. *buzz* Sears catalog. *ding* Now would you unhook this already, please! I don't deserve this kind of shabby treatment! *buzz*

Jasper: Who shot who in the what now?

Wiggum: My wife and I like watching that Oz show on HBO. Uh, is... is prison really like that?
Jack: Wouldn't know. We only get basic cable.
Wiggum: Ouch. I also like that Sex in the City. None of those girls looks like my wife.
Jack: Sportscenter's not bad.
Wiggum: Yeah, I never got that show.
Jack: What's to get? They just tell the scores.
Wiggum: Yeah, I suppose, yeah. Hey, ya meet any Mob guys? Are
they really like The Sopranos?
Jack: I told you, we just get basic cable.
Wiggum: Oh right, right, right. Listen, if I'm getting too chatty, just, uh, just tell me to shut up.
Jack: Ah, I'm enjoying it. Hey, you ever watch them strongman contests? They're pretty good. Those guys look strong. Other guys in prison say they're gay, but I don't know. They look strong to me.

Jimbo: Way to breathe, No-breath.

Ralph: Ms. Hoover, my worm slipped into my mouth. Can I have another one?
Ms. Hoover: No, Ralph. There aren't anymore. Why don't you go to sleep while the other children are learning.
Ralph: Oh boy! Sleep! That's where I'm a Viking!

Mr. Burns: I think I'll donate a million dollars to charity... when pigs fly!
A pig flies past the window
Smithers: Will you be donating that million dollars now, sir?
Mr. Burns: Eh, I'd still rather not.

Disco Stu: about the DISCO STU jacket Disco Stu doesn't advertise.

Mrs. Krabappel: Embiggens? I never heard that word before moving to Springfield.
Miss Hoover: I don't know why, it's a perfectly cromulent word.

Hollis Hurlbut: Now get out! You're banned from this historical society! You and your children, and your children's children... for three months.

The boys go to see Naked Lunch
Nelson: I can think of at least two things wrong with that title.

Grampa: I used to be with it, but then they changed what "it" was. Now, what I'm with isn't it, and what's "it" seems weird and scary to me.

Rev. Lovejoy: Thanks a lot, Marge. That was our only burlesque house.

Kearney: Aw, man! You just kissed a girl!
Jimbo Jones: That is so gay!

Announcer: It's the Krusty Komedy Klassics!
Krusty runs out on stage
Krusty: Hey, hey! It's great to be back here, and— turns around, notices sign K-K-K? Oh, that's not good.

Network Executive: We at the network want a dog with attitude. He's edgy. You've heard the expression "Let's get busy"? Well, this is a dog who gets biz-ay; consistently and thoroughly.
Krusty: So he's proactive?
Executive: Oh, God yes! We're talking about a totally outrageous paradigm.
Writer: Excuse me, but "proactive" and "paradigm"? Aren't those just buzzwords that dumb people use to sound important? Not that I'm accusing you of anything like that... I'm fired aren't I?

Comic Book Guy: Last night's Itchy and Scratchy was, without a doubt, the worst episode ever. Rest assured, I was on the internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world.

Cecil: And now to kill you. There may be a slight ringing in your ears. Fortunately, you'll be nowhere near them.

Rex Banner: Are you the Beer Baron?
Ned: Well, if you're talking about root beer, I plead guilt-diddily-ildly as char-didily-arged!
Rex Banner: He's not the Baron, but he sounds drunk. Take him in.

Maude: They were having S-E-X in front of C-H-I-L-D-R-E-N!
Krusty: Sex Cauldron? I thought they closed that place down!

Mr. Sparkle Plant Worker: Mushi mushi!
Homer: This is Homer Simpson from America. Who may I say is speaking to me?
Worker hands phone to another Worker: Hello chief, let's talk, why not?
Homer: Um, hello? Why am I Mr. Sparkle?
Worker: You like Mr. Sparkle?
Homer: Well, I am Mr. Sparkle.
Worker: You have many questions, Mr. Sparkle. I send you premium answer question 100%!
Homer: Oooh!

Burns: Smithers, use the amnesia ray.
Smithers: You mean the revolver, sir?
Burns: Precisely. And wipe your own memory clean when you're done.

Marge: Now, how are we going to get my Homey back?
Willy: I'll kidnap him for fifty, deprogram him for a hundred, and kill him for five hundred.
Marge: No, no. Just the first two.
Willy: Alright. I'll throw in the killin' for free.

Cletus: Stranger, you're trespassing on my dirt farm.
Leader: Uhh... do you need a Messiah?
Cletus: No, but I'll take them money bags from ye.
Leader: I should have stayed with the Promise Keepers.

Chief Wiggum: What is your fascination with my forbidden closet of mysteries?

Ralph Wiggum: That's where I saw the leprechaun! He told me to burn things.

Mr. Burns: Smithers there's a rocket in my pocket.
Smithers: You don't have to tell me sir.

Fidel Castro: Eh, the Americans aren't so bad. They named a street after me in San Francisco. Aide whispers to him It's full of what?

Ralph: Hi Super Nintendo Chalmers!

Editor: This is a joke, right? I mean this is the stupidest thing I've ever read!
Homer: What's wrong with it?
Editor: You keep using words like "pasghetti" and "momatoes," you
make numerous threatening references to the UN, and at the end you repeat the words "Screw Flanders" over and over again.

Dr. Hibbert: A Ford urinating on a Chevy.
Mrs. Hibbert: Don't you usually laugh at everything?
Dr. Hibbert: Yes. Yes, I do.

Comic Book Guy eating Peeps: If only the real chicks went down this easy.

Scientist: That appetite depressant is amazing!
Scientist 2: Homer... you really have no desire to eat that food?
Homer: Food... food?! I'm blind! Augh! Augh!
Scientist: Who's gonna buy a pill that makes you blind?
Scientist 2: Why don't we let marketing worry about that.

Saleswoman: Your baby is dead!
Homer and Marge: Oh no!
Saleswoman: Thats what you'd hear if your baby fell victim to the thousands of deathtraps lurking in the average american home.
Homer: You really scared us there.
S aleswoman: I'm sorry, but the truth is, your baby—Maggie Simpson—is dead! Dead tired of baby-proofers who don't provide a free estimate. Let's start in the kitchen.

Milhouse: I can't go to Juvie! They use guys like me as currency!

Spanish Guy: Here's your sugar, Simpson. Now you give us the money.
Homer leaving on raft: That wasn't part of the deal!
Spanish Guy pulls out contract: He's right! Who wrote this thing?

Brazillian Kidnapper opening suitcase full of money: Look at all that pink and purple! Our money sure is gay.

Moe: Uh, how do I say this without being offensive? Marge there ain't enough booze in this place to make you look good.

Krusty: Are you guys any good at covering up youthful and middle-aged indiscretions?
Mr. Burns: Are these indiscretions romantic, financial, or treasonous?
Krusty: Russian hooker. You tell me.

Otto: Man. I guess this story has a happy ending. Just like my last massage.

Bart: Please make me write something on the chalkboard a thousand times.
Ms. Krabapple: We got tired of that blackboard thing years ago.

Ned: And I guess I'm just a caveman. If they existed. Which they didn't.

Apu: This is how you talk when you learn English from pornos.

Kearney: Crab Apple? I never thought of that.

Krusty: Do you know how much I donate to the B'nai Brith?
Rabbi: Actually, I do.
Krusty: Goodbye.

Krusty: The sweet little Shikza's right!

Hey, you're one of those funny people with a big crazy nose.
Krusty: A clown?
No, a j—
Krusty: Joker! And I'm not a practicing joker so I'm not that offended

Grampa: You know, I was voted Best Kisser in my POW camp.

Skinner: Simpson! I'll teach you to make a poupon me.

Nelson getting beaten by Bart: I'm unclear on what you want!

Lisa: Mr. Brockman, you're a huge hit.
Kent Brockman: How wide is the web?
Lisa: World.
Kent Brockman: Wow.

Krusty: Gimme one of those Forget Me drinks! I made a mistake I gotta wipe out. I was trying to do a Don Rickles about Arabs, but it turned into a Mel Gibson about Mexicans. takes the shot. Ah! Huh? What the hell am I doing here? I gotta get back to the Latin Grammys.

Homer: Flanders, why did you call the cops last night?
Flanders: I had to. I heard a hub-bub, bub.
Homer: What did I do?!?!
Flanders: Well, can't say for sure but as a Christian I assume the worst!

Grampa Simpson: You come to me for help rememberin'? That's like asking a horse to do your taxes. Which I did back in 1998.

Dwight: Okay, this isn't the way I planned it. But you can make it out alive as long as there's no funny stuff.
Krusty: Don't worry about me. I was voted America's Least Funny clown. Worse than Scuzzo, Scummo, Oopsie, Carlos Mencia, Stinko, Blumpy... Even worse than Sargeant Serious. How could I do worse than him? I stole all his jokes!

Snake: Hey, baby, listen carefully: someone's been editing my biography on Wikipedia. I want you to kill him.

Quimby: There there, Cheesy McMayor. No one likes weepy meat.

Brockman: Are you a registered voter?
Moe: I'm a registered... something.

Jon Stewart: Hey Krusty, I've haven't seen you since you bailed on that benefit.
Krusty: Yeah, I didn't really believe in the cause.
Jon Stewart: Well Krusty's Kids sure missed you.
Krusty: Yeah, they're great. A little clingy.

Jon Stewart: I'll thank you to keep my zingers out of your mouth. I'll try to remember you the way you used to be.
Krusty: But I've always been terrible!

Nelson to the print journalist: Ha ha! Your medium is dying.
Principal Skinner: Nelson.
Nelson: But it is!
Principal Skinner: There's being right and there's being nice.

Kirk: Luann, a picture of you cheating on me is downloading to my computer. I'll know who you were cheating on me with in less than six hours. Unless someone picks up the phone.

Comic Book Guy: ...And that is why The Lord of the Rings can never be filmed.

Nelson: There's a time for crumping. And this isn't it.
Marge: I'll crump with you, Sweetie Pie.

Apu: You have made a very powerless enemy!

Sideshow Mel (as narrator): This distinguished looking gentleman is a highly respected actor. It's not important what he says or who he's a parody of...

Krusty: Go to my joke file and make all the Sophia Lorens into Lindsay Lohans.
Lisa: So, do a global change?
Krusty: What am I, Al Gore? Just do it.

Sideshow Mel: Applause is an addiction, like heroin or checking your email.

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