Quotes from The Simpsons
Page Three
Hey, you're one of those funny people with a big crazy nose.
Krusty: A clown?
No, a j—
Krusty: Joker! And I'm not a practicing joker so I'm not that offended.
Bart: Do you think I'm telling people not to have a cow because deep down I want them to have a cow?
Marge: Bart, this is all we can afford for now. If it doesn't work maybe when you're an adult you can pay some lady to make you happy for an hour.
Bart: You know, I think I will.
Homer: But I thought bankruptcy was the cool law. The one that says, "Don't worry. I got this."
Lisa: I can't believe you listened to this magazine. It's a Larry Flynt publication
Marge: Lisa, stop reading mastheads.
Lisa: I can't. I won't!
Kent Brockman: Sir, how does it feel knowing that no one is coming to save you?
Well not as bad as knowing somewhere gays are marrying each other. That's the real crisis, Kent!
Grampa: You know, I was voted Best Kisser in my POW camp.
Skinner: Simpson! I'll teach you to make a poupon me.
Marge: If someone did eat Bart's shorts they'd have a tummy-full of pocket garbage.
Jack: Chloe, I need those schematics now.
Bart: What? Who the hell is this?
Jack: I'm Jack Bauer. Who the hell are you?
Bart: Me? I'm ... Ahmed A. Dooty.
Jack: Chloe, find out all you can about Ahmed A. Dooty. Does anyone there know Ahmed A. Dooty?
Chloe: Ahmed A. Dooty. Wealthy Saudi financier disappeared into Afghanistan in the late 90s.
Jack: Really?
Chloe: No, Jack. It's a joke name.
You're being set up.
Jack: Dammit!
Nelson getting beaten by Bart: I'm unclear on what you want!
Homer: Did you know that everyday Mexican gays sneak into this country and unplug our braindead ladies?
Lisa: Mr. Brockman, you're a huge hit.
Kent Brockman: How wide is the web?
Lisa: World.
Kent Brockman: Wow.
Surgeon: Okay, count backwards from ten.
Homer: Fine. I admit it. I'm drunk.
Homer: Hey boy, do you know where the family is? Show me on MapQuest. SLH growls Fine. Google Maps.
Krusty: Gimme one of those Forget Me drinks! I made a mistake I gotta wipe out. I was trying to do a Don Rickles about Arabs, but it turned into a Mel Gibson about Mexicans. takes the shot. Ah! Huh? What the hell am I doing here? I gotta get back to the Latin Grammys.
Homer: Flanders, why did you call the cops last night?
Flanders: I had to. I heard a hub-bub, bub.
Homer: What did I do?!?!
Flanders: Well, can't say for sure but as a Christian I assume the worst!
Grampa Simpson: You come to me for help rememberin'? That's like asking a horse to do your taxes. Which I did back in 1998.
Homer: The mother of my children with the reason for my children!
Marge: Homer, please!
Duff Man: I'm just giving it to your wife. She is going to be sore tomorrow.
Marge: You have to be there. You miss way too many precious moments in the children's lives.
Homer: What? Name twelve.
Bart: Well, just this week there's been field day, pick me up from airport—
Lisa: And the father-daughter dance!
Marge: Homer, you can not miss Lisa's big day. And you have to come sober!
Homer: American sober or Irish sober?
Marge: .08 sober!
Homer: .15!
Marge: .09!
Homer: .10. With a stomach full of bread. Final offer.
Marge: Homer, I'm a hostage in a bank robbery!
Homer: What? Oh my god! My sweet Margie! Okay, listen very carefully: don't do anything they say, remain panicky, and above all try to be a hero.
Dwight: Okay, this isn't the way I planned it. But you can make it out alive as long as there's no funny stuff.
Krusty: Don't worry about me. I was voted America's Least Funny clown. Worse than Scuzzo, Scummo, Oopsie, Carlos Mencia, Stinko, Blumpy... Even worse than Sargeant Serious. How could I do worse than him? I stole all his jokes!
Snake: Hey, baby, listen carefully: someone's been editing my biography on Wikipedia. I want you to kill him.
Homer: Listen carefully: I've taken your wife hostage. If you don't have a wife I have kidnapped your brother. Nod if you understand. Good. Now back away form Burns and I will let your dog live.
Quimby: There there, Cheesy McMayor. No one likes weepy meat.
News Van1: To Springfield!
News Van2: Which Springfield?
News Van1: The one the Simpsons live in.
Brockman: Are you a registered voter?
Moe: I'm a registered... something.
Jon Stewart: Hey Krusty, I've haven't seen you since you bailed on that benefit.
Krusty: Yeah, I didn't really believe in the cause.
Jon Stewart: Well Krusty's Kids sure missed you.
Krusty: Yeah, they're great. A little clingy.
Jon Stewart: I'll thank you to keep my zingers out of your mouth. I'll try to remember you the way you used to be.
Krusty: But I've always been terrible!
Nelson to the print journalist: Ha ha! Your medium is dying.
Principal Skinner: Nelson.
Nelson: But it is!
Principal Skinner: There's being right and there's being nice.
Pollster: Oh my god! This family is undecided. Undecided!
Homer: If you haven't sprung from or are married to my loins get out of this house. You too, Fred Thompson.
Fred Thompson: But I was in Die Hard.
Homer: Die Hard 2.
Lisa: And Ralph is only eight years old. It says in the Constitution you have to be 35.
Bart: The Constitution? I'm pretty sure the Patriot Act killed it to ensure our freedoms.
Marge: We wouldn't be in this trouble if you'd just pay the heating bill.
Homer: I thought Global Warming would take care of it. Al Gore can't do anything right!
Kirk: Luann, a picture of you cheating on me is downloading to my computer. I'll know who you were cheating on me with in less than six hours. Unless someone picks up the phone.
Comic Book Guy: ...And that is why The Lord of the Rings can never be filmed.
Marge: Are you saying that America was founded on misconceptions?
Homer: Okay, I'll keep the LPs, and you take the CDs. I'll take the typewriter, you take the computer. I'll take the Enron stock, you take the Microsoft stock...
Professor August: Good god! The Patriots are deep in Redskin territory! This isn't entertainment, it's genocide!
Professor August: Look at that lighthouse. That's the ultimate expression of phallocentric technocracy violating Mother Sky.
Marge: I thought they were just tall so boats could see them.
Professor August: No Marge. Everything penis-shaped is bad.
Kirk: Attention everyone. Luann and I have some big news.
Bart: Is it that you're brother and sister? Because you really look a lot alike.
Homer: Marge give me a break. I don't notice the color of people's eyes. I just judge them by the color of their skin.
Bart: Why do all your stories have commercials in them for the Container Store?
Homer: Because if I do it enough maybe they'll start to pay me.
Marge: Stop naming things!
Nelson: There's a time for crumping. And this isn't it.
Marge: I'll crump with you, Sweetie Pie.
Bart: Milhouse has gone from being a comic figure to a tragic one.
Homer: For the next two hours we'll be kid-free. It'll be just like the time we lost them at the mall. That was the best Christmas ever.
Homer: Oh boy, dinnertime. The perfect break between work and drunk!
Bart: Whatcha doin', mom? Going crazy?
Jennifer: I've tried everything except talking to him. Help me, TV show!
Bart: Hey, I didn't know this park was here.
Lisa: You wrote a report on it last week.
Bart: The internet wrote it. I just handed it in.
Marge: So how was your outside time?
Lisa: We never outside! We were here all day!
Marge: That quick talking is never a good sign.
Lisa: That's usually true nut in this case it's not.
Lisa: Give me an Indian burn.
Bart: But—
Lisa: Don't make me say "Indian" again.
Sneakers Host: Marge, youv've giving me a lot oto think about today. Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to the editing room to make you look insane. To the post-production trailer!
Lisa: I learned that beneath my goody two shoes lies some very dark socks.
Homer: C'mon Bart, all the nerds are doing it.
Bart: I'm not a nerd. I'm a jock who's too cool for sports.
Homer: Well that's our book for the year. I think we've earned some TV.
Homer: Stop saying things, Bart. That's the TV's job.
Marge: Lisa, have I ever shown you my shattered dreams box?
Lisa: No.
Marge: It's upstairs in my disappointment closet.
Marge: Homey, I'm going to be a dancer!
Homer: Go-Go or boring?
Marge: Boring!
Homer: Oh.
Homer: Son, while your mother and little mother are out I'm going to let you in on a deep dark family secret.
Bart: You have a drinking problem?
Homer: I said "secret". Have you ever wondered what I do in that locked room?
Bart: Gay out?
Homer: Well wonder no more!
Bart: Beef jerky? The queen of all the jerkys!
Apu: You have made a very powerless enemy!
Bart: So Dean Martin would show up at the last minute and do everything in just one take?
Homer: That's right.
Bart: But Wikipedia said he was passionate about rehearsal!
Homer: Don't you worry about Wikipedia. We'll change it when we get home. We'll change a lot of things.
Let's skip the oath and get you behind the wheel of something you can't handle.
SPRINGFIELD COUNTY FAIR
Warning: Funhouse may have Christian message
Bart: Mom, they're going to kill Lou and make him into food and fringe vests for gay cowboys!
Bart: Anguished Animals III? That wasn't my conscience mooing! That was... Tress MacNeille!
Homer: Dad, are you sure you're okay to drive at night?
Grampa Simpson: It's night?!
Mayor Quimby: It was a rhetorical question.
Lisa: And I used rhetoric in my answer!
Homer: Kids, marriage is like a car. Along the way it has its bumps and dings. And this country can't make one that lasts more than five years.
Judge: Lurlene, the court orders you to make payments of $100 a week until such time as your music comes back in style or becomes appreciated for its camp value.
Lurlene Lumpkin: Oh Daddy, you made me the happiest girl on whichever side of the Mississippi this is!
Mr. Burns: I guess this is the end. I just wish I'd spent more time at the office.
Mr. Burns: And just so you know, she'll do anything for you. Anything except sex! And I do mean "anything".
Oh... I'm aroused. And confused.
Mr. Burns: Now let's enjoy the Miami of Canada—Chicago!
Homer: Dr. Frederick J. Waxman, you're a genius!
That's not my name.
Homer: I wasn't talking to you.
Homer: Bart, I'll need some clean urine, STAT!
Milhouse: Principal Skinner, why did we have to leave the Learn-and-Touch Reptile Zoo so early?
Principal Skinner: Well it seems someone was riding the giant toroise maked.
Otto: It's not my fault, the drinking fountain dared me to do it.
You have what made America great: no understanding of the limits of your power and a complete lack of concern for what anyone thinks of you.
Homer: What could be greater than eating and drinking for hours in a drizzling parking lot.
Lisa: Anything.
Bart: Everything.
Springfield U sucks!
A&M cheerleaders are clumsy!
Your superstar professors treat undergrads like an afterthought!
Your tenure track is heavily politicized!
Bart: I knew you were lame, but I never imagined you were bogus.
Skinner: Well if we can't get into Sundance, do you want to check out its alternative cousin, Slamdance?
Chalmers: I would rather die.
Lisa: There must be a website that can help you deal with a clingy baby.
Marge: Oh, I don't want to bother the internet with my problems.
Homer: Man, you work as a silhouette model for one day and it haunts you for the rest of your life..
Drew Carey: What I love about Krusty is he's always on. But to find out what, you gotta tet his pee.
Homer: Pee! Ha ha ha.
Drew Carey: Seriously. Test his pee. He's a danger to the community.
Lisa: The intern thing could open up a whole new world of free labor for you. Did you know the Discovery Channel doesn't have a single paid employee.
Krusty: Go to my joke file and make all the Sophia Lorens into Lindsay Lohans.
Lisa: So, do a global change?
Krusty: What am I, Al Gore? Just do it.
Homer about the kissing Lincolns: The one on the left looks into it but the one on the right is just experimenting.
Sideshow Mel: Applause is an addiction, like heroin or checking your email.
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