Quotes from The Simpsons

Page Two

Man: Uh, sir, you can't operate a boat under the influence of alcohol.
Homer: That sounds like a wager to me!

Ron Howard sniffing Homer's breath: Do I smell vodka... and wheatgrass?
Homer: It's called a lawnmower, I invented it. You want one?
Ron Howard: Yeah, okay.
Kim Basinger: And I'll have a rum and zinc.

Ralph: Hi Super Nintendo Chalmers!

Bart: I think I read somewhere that cows like being killed.

Bart: I didn't think this was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows.

Homer: What's happening to me? There's still food, but I don't want to eat it. I've become everything I've ever hated.

Homer: I'd like to read the following statement I just wrote, but I do it under my own free will. It has come to my attention that NBC sucks. I am sorry for misleading you and I urge you to watch as many FOX shows as you can. So, in summary, NBC, bad. FOX, good. CBS, great.

Astrid Weller: Your husband's work is what we call "outsider art". It could be by a mental patient, or a hillbilly, or a chimpanzee.
Homer: In high school I was voted most likely to *be* a mental patient, hillbilly, or chimpanzee!

Bart: Well, I'm flunking math and the other day I was a little attracted to Milhouse.

Homer: Oh, yeah! I'm betting on Jai Alai in the Cayman Islands, I invested in something called "News Corp"—
Lisa: Dad, that's FOX!
Homer: Undo! Undo!

Marge: C'mon, Homer, Japan will be fun. You like Rashomon.
Homer: That's not how I remember it. Besides, if we wanted to see Japanese people we could have gone to the zoo!
Marge: Homer!
Homer: What? The guy who washes the elephants is Japanese. His name is Takashi! He's in my book club!

Wink: Don't worry. That "lava" is just Orange Ade, made by our sponsor Osaka Orange Ade Concern.
Homer: It burns! It burns!
Wink: It's loaded with wasabi!

Editor: This is a joke, right? I mean this is the stupidest thing I've ever read!
Homer: What's wrong with it?
Editor: You keep using words like "pasghetti" and "momatoes," you
make numerous threatening references to the UN, and at the end you repeat the words "Screw Flanders" over and over again.

Marge: Only your father could take a part-time job at a small town paper and wind up the target of international assassins.

Grampa Simpson: I just want to know what's keeping that dress on.
Sideshow Mel: The entire will of this collctive audience.

Homer: Stupid sexy Flanders.

About Hawaii
Homer: We'll take the cure, bag a few lobsters, then watch some gay guys get married.

Dr. Hibbert: A Ford urinating on a Chevy.
Mrs. Hibbert: Don't you usually laugh at everything?
Dr. Hibbert: Yes. Yes, I do.

PBS Pledge Drive Host: It's easy to see why it's England's most long-running series. And we're showing all of them. All seven episodes.

Lisa: Mom! Dad's on PBS!
Marge: Mmm. They don't show police chases, do they?

Homer: Save me Jebus!

Rupert Murdoch picking up phone: Hello, Murdoch here... 10,000 dollars? You've saved my network!
Bart: Wouldn't be the first time.

Homer: If The Flintstones has taught us anything, it's that pelicans can be used to mix cement.

Homer: Florida? But that's America's wang.

Lisa: Oh my god! The dead have risen and they're voting Republican!

Homer: Then we figured out we could park them in front of the TV. That's how I was raised and I turned out TV.

Lenny: Even Bart was throwing dough around. He paid me and Carl a thousand bucks to kiss each other.
Carl: Hey did we ever get that money?
Narrator: But reckless spending and interracial homoeroticism were just volume one of the Encyclopedia Self-Destructica.

Homer: I want to set the record straight: I thought the cop was a prostitute.

Comic Book Guy eating Peeps: If only the real chicks went down this easy.

Homer: Now, talks into mouse Computer, kill Flanders.
Flanders: Did I hear my name? My ears are burning.
Homer to computer: Good start. Now finish the job.

Marge: This is terrible! How will the kids get home?
Homer: I dunno. Internet?

Homer: I have a great way to solve our money woes. You rent your
womb to a rich childless couple. If you agree, signify by getting indignant.
Marge: Are you crazy? I'm not going to be a surrogate mother.
Homer: C'mon, Marge, we're a team. It's uter-US, not uter-YOU.
Marge: Forget it!

Scientist: That appetite depressant is amazing!
Scientist 2: Homer... you really have no desire to eat that food?
Homer: Food... food?! I'm blind! Augh! Augh!
Scientist: Who's gonna buy a pill that makes you blind?
Scientist 2: Why don't we let marketing worry about that.

Homer: Please, turn me back into the blissful boob I was.
Scientist: Sorry, we don't play god here.
Homer: Huh? You do nothing but play god! And I think your octo-parrot would agree with me.
Octo-Parrot: Awk! Polly shouldn't be!

Marge: Lisa, a missing crayon could be anywhere.
Homer jumps inside through a window
Homer: Who wants lottery tickets?
Marge: Okay, it's in his brain.

Abe: I'm beginning to think you don't love me.
Homer: Awww! Dad I love you. If it were up to me you'd never die. But try telling that to Killy McGhee up there!

Saleswoman: Your baby is dead!
Homer and Marge: Oh no!
Saleswoman: Thats what you'd hear if your baby fell victim to the thousands of deathtraps lurking in the average american home.
Homer: You really scared us there.
Saleswoman: I'm sorry, but the truth is, your baby—Maggie Simpson—is dead! Dead tired of baby-proofers who don't provide a free estimate. Let's start in the kitchen.

Milhouse: I can't go to Juvie! They use guys like me as currency!

Homer's Brain: Use reverse psychology.
Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated.
Homer's Brain: Okay, don't use reverse psychology.
Homer: Okay, I will!

Record Book Guy: Everyone, welcome to the Duff Book of Records! Springfield is the world's fattest town.
Homer: Woo hoo! In your face, Milwaukee!

Garth Motherloving: I'm not up on the current slang, but do the kids still say, "Get the hell out of my office."?

Homer: Thank you, Erin Choco-Snitch. That was a group effort.

Spanish Guy: Okay, mon. Here's your sugar. Now you give us the money.
Homer leaving on raft: That wasn't part of the deal.
Spanish Guy pulls out contract: He's right! Who wrote this thing?

A page from a book: All in all, it had been a weird, weird lottery. —The End

Ronaldo: I tried to write, but I didn't know what state you lived in.
Lisa: It's a bit of a mystery, yes. But if you look at the clues, you can figure it out.

Brazillian Kidnapper opening suitcase full of money: Look at all that pink and purple!
Brazillian Kidnapper 2: Our money sure is gay.

Homer: But isn't marijuana or "dope" illegal?
Dr. Hibbert: Only for those that enjoy it.

Chalmers: Skinner, be gay on your own time.

Tab Spangler (Al Brooks): C'mon, let's look for your dad. And if we have time we'll look mine.

Homer: I am not too fat. I'm alive, aren't I?
Tab Spangler (Al Brooks): Mr. Simpson, you're suffering from P.S.I. Poor Self Esteem. points to the PSI sign. That's not I. Every sign is wrong!
Homer: Oh that's terrible.
Tab Spangler: We got a long drive ahead. You wanna pull off at a motel? We'll split a room.
Homer: Where will I sleep?
Tab Spangler: We can worry about that when we're standing naked before the bed! My goodness! No wonder you eat. What are you eating now?
Homer: Cheeseburger.
Tab Spangler: You're a catastrophe! Let me have half of it.
Homer: I don't wanna.
Tab Spangler: I just want the cheese. I don't want the meat. I do want the meat!
Homer: Here's a corner.
Tab Spangler: Let me just bite it. Don't rip it! Let me have the whole thing. You'll get some later.
Homer: You're a selfish jerk.
Tab Spangler: I smelled it. It has to be eaten!
Homer: But it's my burger.
Tab Spangler: I'm driving. I'll kill us.
Homer: Fine. I'd rather die.

Bart: Dad I though you didn't like her saxophone.
Homer: I didn't, but now Daddy's special medicine—(raises voice menacingly) which you must never use because it will RUIN YOUR LIFE—let's Daddy see and hear magical things you will never experience. EVER!

Homer: Are you sure you don't want to come to our Civil War reenactment? We need plenty of Indians to shoot.
Apu: I do not know which part of that statement to correct first.

Homer is staring at Carmen Electra's chest
Carmen Electra: Homer, my face is up here.
Homer: I've made my choice.

Lisa and Bart: Augh! It's Sideshow Bob!
Sideshow Bob: Oh Bart, we've been through so much together. Just call me Bob.
Lisa and Bart: Augh! It's Bob!

Sideshow Bob: How can one ordinary man have so many enemies?
Homer: I'm a people person. Who drinks.

Marge: I didn't sacrifice my period for second place!

Moe: Uh, how do I say this without being offensive? Marge there ain't enough booze in this place to make you look good.

Elvis Costello: Come on. Who'd like to be a bass player?
Homer: Out of my way, Nerdlinger. grabs guitar and knocks off Elvis' glasses
Elvis Costello: My image!

Some drywall collapses and Maggie crawls out
Homer: Maggie! That's where you were, honey! You were hiding in the drywall, yes you were. Daddy's sure happy social services didn't see this, yes he is.

Marge: I can't count how many time's your father has done something crazy.
Lisa: looking at ticker It's 300, Mom!
Marge: I could've sworn it was 302.
Lisa: Shhh!

Surgeon: Okay, count backwards from ten.
Homer: Fine. I admit it. I'm drunk.

Krusty: Are you guys any good at covering up youthful and middle-aged indiscretions?
Mr. Burns: Are these indiscretions romantic, financial, or treasonous?
Krusty: Russian hooker. You tell me.

Successmanship 101 Teacher: You see that car out there? That's a Bentley Mark XII. They gave one to me, one to Steven Spielberg, and they shot the guy who made it.
Lenny: I'd hate to be in that union.

Homer: "Tip 1: Live every day like it was your last." Done and done! cut to Homer sitting on a curb, crying. I don't want to die! I'm still young!

Homer: to Maggie Prove me wrong, Silent Bob!

Otto: Man. I guess this story has a happy ending. Just like my last massage.

Homer: TV and Nightmares have joined forces to teach me a lesson.

Homer: I'm unloved by Al? Death points to the grave. I'm unloved by all?!

Bart: Please make me write something on the chalkboard a thousand times.
Ms. Krabapple: We got tired of that blackboard thing years ago.

Lisa walking past cats in the pound: Too fluffy... too Siamese... too needy... too arrogant... eye infection... stops. Clearly a skunk.

Lisa: To save money on a new dish, we'll call you Snowball II and just pretend this whole thing never happened.
Skinner walking past: That's really a cheat, isn't it?
Lisa: I guess you're right. Principal Tanzarian.
Skinner: Well, I'll be moving along then. Lisa... Snowball II.

Marge: Long-time reader, first time stander-upper!

Ned: And I guess I'm just a caveman. If they existed. Which they didn't.

Homer as he crashes through the power plant and hits someone: Aw! That was the grief counselor!

Lisa's Libido: Let's make out with boys! Binge and purge! Rock and roll!

Homer singing: Here in my car/I'm hosing off blood/Some of it's mine/ but most of it's not.

Lisa: If dad ever reads that book he's gonna be so humiliated!
Bart: He'll never read it.
Lisa: What if they make it into a movie?
Bart: He'll never see it.
Lisa: What if they parody it on "MadTV"?
Bart: We're doomed!

Apu: This is how you talk when you learn English from pornos.

Homer: Long have we awaited the coming of the white man... and Carl.

Homer: I offer you the guidance of my daughter, Sacagawea. In our language, that means "know-it-all who never shuts her maize-hole".

Marge: History's like an amusement park. Except instead of rides you have dates to memorize.

Kearney: Crab Apple? I never thought of that.

Homer: Coke and Pepsi are the same thing! Wake up people!

Marge: Hostess Twinkies?
Homer: I heard if you age them for ten years, they turn to liquor.

Lisa: There's spiders in your hair!
Bart: That's what you call commitment to a bit.

Bart: Thank god we've come to our senses and just worship a carpenter that died 2,000 years ago.

Bart: Wicca's a Hollywood fad.
Lisa: That's Kaballah, you jerk.

Homer: As the Bible says, "Screw that!"

Billboard: Welcome to Atlantic City. Where New York City comes to smoke.

Marge about Bart: That boy failed show-and-tell but he's on our ass like Sherlock Holmes.

Krusty: Do you know how much I donate to the B'nai Brith?
Rabbi: Actually, I do.
Krusty: Goodbye.

Krusty: The sweet little Shikza's right!

Bart: You listened to Lisa, and then you lost your stranglehold on the audience.
Homer: I'll audience you!

Announcer: Welcome back to Promiscuoius Idiot Island.

Bart: What do those women expect? When you sign a contract with FOX you're going to be used and humiliated.

Lisa: You're not mild-mannered, Dad. You're often liquored-up and rude.

Lisa: What kind of journalism experience do you have?
Nelson: I dunno. Beating up nerds.
Lisa: Great. You're our TV critic.

Burns: Maybe you should just go!
Lisa: I can't! My mom's not picking me up for an hour.
pause
Burns: So... what do you think of today's popular music scene?
Lisa: I think it distracts people from the more important social issues of today.
Burns: My god, are you always on?

Lisa: If you don't tell mom what you did, I will.
Bart: Oh c'mon. Wouldn't it be easier if our parents divorced and you compensated by marrying much older men? Meanwhile, I'll be one of those weird guys who's 35 and shows up at high schoolbasketball games.

Comic Book Guy: He makes me look cool. And cool, I am not. May I upload your footage onto the internet?
Flanders: Well, sir, I don't believe we've ever met.
Comic Book Guy: My name is Jeff Albertson. But everyone calls me Comic Book Guy.
Flanders: Well, I'll just call you friend.

Homer: The internet wasn't created for mockery! It was supposed to help researchers at different universities share data sets. It was!

Flanders: Reverend, thanks for turning the church into a "He without sin-o-plex."

Carl: Hey Lovejoy, you could take a lesson from Flanders. You know, inject your sermons with a little razzle dazzle.
Lovejoy: Well I already do, if by razzle you mean piety, and by dazzle you mean Scriptural accuracy.
Carl to Lenny: What a tool.

Sports Newscaster: But first, professional sports continues its downward march into the gutter.
Homer: Heh heh heh. This is either about me or steroids.

Lisa: They're tearing down the pier.
Bart: But what will junkies do drugs under?
Homer: They'll bounce back, son. They're a strong people.

Marge: I'm a little worried. This part of the county is unincorporated. Just to be safe I'm going to dial 9-1 on my cellphone.

Bart about the tea house: Mom, this is great. It makes our real house look like a pile of crap.

Homer about My Sharona: That song is a pop music footnote! the bullies pause I didn't say stop!

Homer: Alright. You can shoot your gay adult film at my house.
Fat Tony: I didn't say anything about gay.
Homer: But I thought you guys were the gay mafia.

Lisa: Dad! Don't act like Mussollini.
Homer: Hm. I thought I was doing Donald Trump.

Skinner: Hm. That's odd. We only turn the heating on for parent conferences.

Pilot: Welcome to Atlanta. Please keep your seatbelt fastened until we have come to a complete stop.
Bart: Nobody tells Bart Simpson what to do! unfastens seat belt
Pilot: Thanks a lot, 38C. Now we have to go back to Minneapolis. And I am very tired.

Marge: Sweetie, if someone's bullying you, you should tell your teacher.
Bart: But it's the teacher who's bullying me.
Marge: Well tell your regular bully. He won't like it one bit.

Marge: Would you like to spend the night with us?
Willy: I don' need your charity! As long as I've got a pan over me head.
Marge: That's not a pan. It's a collander.
Willy: Ah, so that's where me soup went.

Marge: Homey, what's that? On the back of your head?
Homer: It's called headvertising. It creates brand awareness without relying on traditional media.
Marge: Well it creeps me out. Homer turns off the light Wow. It glows in the dark.
Homer confused: It's not supposed to.

Homer: I'm stuck! And I have to pee. pause Now I'm just stuck.

Lisa is trying to escape a big-horned sheep:
Lisa: Mad beast!
Burns: Liberal midget!

Texan: Yee ha! I'm gonna win me a nucular plant!
Burns: Dream on, bitch.

Moe: Barney, how do you keep getting back in?
Barney: I'm a drunk. I don't know nothin' about how I do anything.

Burns: Oh. The sheep was no danger at all. I sacrificed my gorgeous body for nothing. This must be what it's like to have a baby.

Richard Dean Anderson to Selma and Patty: You're into MacGuyver? That show was so stupid. "Oh, I'm MacGuyver! I can make a bomb out of a banana peel and a toaster!" That show was just a paycheck for me and nothing more.

Richard Dean Anderson: Watch the face! I need that for acting!

Homer: You're giving me absolute power?
Burns: Mm hm.
Smithers: Sir, doesn't that corrupt?
Burns: Absolutely not.

Richard Dean Anderson: Welcome home! Guess who made MacGuyver burgers? MacGuyver.
Patty: We didn't have any ground beef.
Richard Dean Anderson: Yeah, but you did have Slim Jims, a cheese grater and rubber bands to hold it all together.
Selma: We gotta get rid of this kook.

Homer (captaining the Mayflower): Don't worry, Marge! I'll see to it that all you fundamentalist Christians live to take over all of America by the 21st century!

Otto: Alright, I'm opening this cage. But no biting!
Nelson: You're not the boss of my teeth,

Marge: ...Since then, I haven't been able to do any of the Calculus I've encountered in my daily life.

Bart: No one with a choice should ever have to be a girl. I'll teach you how to be a boy.
Lisa: You would do that for me? That is so sweet.
Bart: You're a boy. Nothing is sweet. kicks Lisa in the leg.
Lisa: Ow! That hurt.
Bart: Sweet.

Bart: Dad, isn't it wrong to open and/or eat other people's mail?
Homer: Son, all our mail has ever brought me is bad news. Bills, jury duty, Entertainment Weekly...

Otto: That's not a song. Real songs are about deals with the devil, and far off lands where you can find smoke in relation to water.

Bart: Look at me! I'm Otto! I'm a hundred years old and I drive a school bus.

Marge: Hey Nelson! Car pool!
Nelson: Just a sec. I gotta finish my science project throws rock at squirrel. Woah. Squirrels don't like rocks.

Fat Tony: Milhouse, may I borrow your three-ring binder?
Milhouse: Garfield or Love Is...?
Fat Tony: I prefer the cat. He hates Mondays. We can all relate.

Bart: So how did Malt Liquor Mommy die?
Marge: Stop calling her that!
Lenny: I'll tell you how she died. You know that sign that says, "Don't stand up on the rollercoaster"?
Homer: Yeah.
Lenny: She overdosed right in front of it.

Bart: I was a great drummer, and now I'm nothing! Like Phil Collins!

That candy's been here an awfully long time. I'd think twice if I were you.
Homer: Don't tell me how many times to think.

Kent Brockman: Like all manly men I have a vivid imagination. Let's take off our shirts and wrestle.

Skinner: Simpson, you've been waving your nuts in my face for too long. Eat shrimp and die!

Recruiter: Dammit. Even the dumbest teenagers from the dumbest town in the dumbest state know better than to join the army.

Marge: Homer! Our son joined the army!
Homer: Eh. Big deal. By the time Bart's 18 we're gonna control the world. We're China, right?

Bart: Woah. Even the army has Humvees now.

Homer: There once was a rapping tomato
That's right, I said rapping tomato
He rapped all day, from April 'til May
And also, guess what, it was me.

Marge: Homer! Don't drink and drive.
Homer: Fine. I'll drive between sips.

Moe: Lisa if you could just forgive me, you'd make me the happiest man in Vermont. Except for those two dudes I saw getting hitched. Not my thing but I wish them well.

J. Jonah Jameson: I need photos. Photos of Spiderman!
Assistant: This is a poetry journal.
J. Jonah Jameson: Okay, then poems about Spiderman. And I want them finished before you start. And before you start, get me some coffee.

Ralph sticking an ice cream cone on his forehead: I'm a unitard!

Homer giving Marge more popsicle sticks: This is the most fun I've ever had giving you wood.

Lenny: I don't know where Carl ends and I begin.
Carl: See statements like that are why people think we're gay.

Bart about Nelson's party: Mom, I can't go. No one else is.
Marge: Well if no one else jumped off the Empire State building, would you not jump?
Bart: Kind of?

Nelson: I like to come up here and make fun of the sunset. Hey gasball! You suck!

Nelson: Make sure your affairs are in order.
Bart: I've set up a trust. It bypasses the inheritance tax.
Nelson: Only until 2008. Look into it!

Homer about Gil: Why did you let that loser into our home?
Marge: I'll tell you why: Christian charity.
Homer: Christian Charity? What does a porn star have to do with this?

Moe: What's the matter Homer? Still miss the UPN?

The Simpsons visit Barnacle Bay:
Lisa: This is the most disgusting place we've ever gone.
Bart: What about Brazil?
Lisa: After Brazil.

TOP