Quotes from The Simpsons

HOmer Simpson

ordering blowfish
Homer: C'mon pal! Fugu me!

Homer: English? Who needs that? I'm never going to England.

Homer: Three simple words: "I am gay."

Homer: sung to the Flintstones song Simpson! Homer Simpson! He's the greatest guy in history. From the, Town of Springfield! He's about to hit a chestnut tree! hits tree

Homer: Heh heh heh. Oh Andy Capp, you wife-beating drunk.

Homer: Six simple words: "I'm not gay. But I'll learn."

Homer: I've heard 'em all. "I like you as a friend." "I think we should see other people." "I no speak English..."
Lisa: I get the idea.
Homer: "I'm married to the sea." "I don't want to kill you, but I will."

Homer: pounding on table Where's my burrito! Where's my burrito!

Homer: Sorry, Mr. Burns. I don't go in for these backdoor shenanigans. Sure I'm flattered, maybe even a little curious. But the answer is no!

Homer: You couldn't fool your own mother on the foolingest day of your life with an electrified fooling machine!

Homer: God bless those pagans.

Bart: What'd you do? Screw up like The Beatles and say you were bigger than Jesus?
Homer: All the time. It was the title of our second album.

Lisa: "List your three favorite books and how they have influenced your life."
Homer: Is TV Guide a book?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Son of Sniglet?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Katharine Hepburn's Me?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Oh! I suck!

Homer: Remember when I let that escaped lunatic in the house because he was dressed like Santa Claus? Well you have a gambling problem.

Lisa: And now you can go back to just being you, instead of a one-dimensional character with a silly catchphrase.
Homer breaks lamp: D'oh!
Bart: Aye Carumba!
Marge: Hmmm.
Flanders: Heidely-ho.
Barney: burps
Nelson: Ha ha!
Burns: Ex-cellent!
Lisa: If anyone wants me, I'll be in my room.

Marge: Ooh, Lisa! Is that too spicy for you?
Lisa: I can see through time!
Homer: You can't be afraid to try new things. For instance, tonight I'm using a... Apu, what do you call this thing again?
Apu: A napkin.
Homer: Outrageous!

Homer: I've learned that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.

Marge: You know Homer, when I found out about this I went through a wide range of emotions. First I was nervous, then anxious, then wary, then apprehensive, then kinda sleepy, then worried, and then concerned. But now I realize that being a spaceman is something you have to do.
Homer: Who's doing what now?

Homer: Oh sure. Even communism works. In theory.

Homer: But every time I learn something new, it pushes out something old! Remember that time I took a home wine-making course and forgot how to drive?
Marge Simpson: That's because you were drunk!
Homer: And how.

Homer: Look everyone! Now that I'm a teacher I've sewn patches on my elbows.
Marge: Homer that's supposed to be leather patches on a tweed jacket, not the other way around. You've ruined a perfectly good jacket.
Homer: Incorrect, Marge. Two perfectly good jackets!

Homer: Burkina Faso? Disputed Zone? Who called all these weird places?
Homer's Brain: Quiet. It might be you! I can't remember.
Homer: Naw, I'm going to ask Marge.
Homer's Brain: No, no! Why embarrass us both? Just write a check and I'll release some more endorphins.

Bart: Hey guys, just so you don't hear any wild rumors, I'm being indicted for fraud in Australia.
Homer: Pfft. That's no reason to block the TV.

Homer: My ears are burning.
Lisa: I wasn't talking about you, Dad.
Homer: No, my ears are really burning. I wanted to see inside, so I lit a Q-tip.

Homer: Okay, I'm never going to win Father of the Year. In fact, I'm probably the last guy in the world to have kids... wait, let me rephrase that. I love my kids. I'd do anything for Bart and Lisa.
Judge: And Margaret?
Homer: Who? Lady, you must have the wrong file.
Marge: She's talking about Maggie.
Homer: Oh! Maggie. I've got nothing against Maggie.

Homer: I've got the prescription for you, Doctor. Another hot beef injection?

Homer: Hee hee. I pity those poor suckers on the freeway. Gas break honk. Gas break honk. Honk honk punch. Gas gas gas.

Homer: How could you?! Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn't hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Makes sound effects and laughs. Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze.

About an Ayatollah Assahollah t-shirt
Homer: It works on any Ayatollah! Ayatollah Nakhbadeh, Ayatollah Zahedi... Even as we speak, Ayatollah Razmara and his cadre of fanatics are consolidating their power!

Homer: Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night.

Homer: You suck-diddly-uck, Flanders!

Homer: Here are your messages: "You have thirty minutes to move your car." "You have ten minutes to move your car." "Your car has been impounded." "Your car has been crushed into a cube." "You have thirty minutes to move your cube."

Bart: Dad, what's a muppet?
Homer: Well, it's not quite a mop, not quite a puppet, but man... laughs, then pauses. So, to answer you question, I don't know.

Corgan: Billy Corgan, Smashing Pumpkins.
Homer: Homer Simpson, smiling politely.

Homer: So I realized that being with my family is more important
than being cool.
Bart: Dad, what you just said was powerfully uncool.
Homer: You know what the song says: "It's hip to be square."
Lisa: That song is so lame.
Homer: So lame that it's... cool?
Bart and Lisa: No.
Marge: Am I cool, kids?
Bart and Lisa: No.
Marge: Good. I'm glad. And that's what makes me cool—not caring, right?
Bart and Lisa: No.
Marge: Well, how the hell do you be cool? I feel like we've tried
everything here.
Homer: Wait, Marge. Maybe if you're truly cool, you don't need to
be told you're cool.
Bart: Well, sure you do.
Lisa: How else would you know?

Homer: trying to casually buy illegal fireworks Let me have one of those porno magazines, large box of condoms, a bottle of Old Harper, a couple of those panty shields, and some illegal fireworks, and one of those disposable enemas... eh, make it two.
Later...
Marge seeing Homer's purchases: I don't know what you've got planned for tonight, Homer, but count me out.

Homer: Yes sir, Mr Scorpion!
Hank: Don't call me that. It's Mr. Scorpio, but don't call me that either. Call me Hank!

Hank Scorpio: By the way, Homer, what's your least favorite country? Italy or France?
Homer: France.
Hank adjusts a giant laser
Hank Scorpio: Heh heh. Nobody ever says Italy.

Homer: I'd like to file for... dramatic pause Divorce.
Lady: These things happen. Eight dollars.

Marge: I'm going into the dining room to have a conversation. If you want to join me, fine. (leaves room) Hello Marge, how's the family? I don't want to talk about it. Mind your own business!
Homer: Keep it down in there!

Homer: This is Homer Simpson, aka Happy Dude. The court is making me call everybody back and apologize for my telemarketing scam. I'm sorry. If you can find it in your heart to forgive me, send one dollar to Sorry Dude, 742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield. You have the power.

Homer: Note to self: Stop. Doing. Anything.

Homer: I hope I didn't brain my damage.

Homer: In your face, space coyote!

Mulder: Mr. Simpson, we want you to recreate your every move the night you saw the alien.
Homer: The evening began at the gentleman's club, where we were discussing Wittgenstein over a game of backgammon.
Scully: Mr. Simpson, it's a felony to lie to the FBI.
Homer: We were sitting in Barney's car eating packets of mustard. Happy?

Scully: Homer, we're going to ask you a few simple yes or no questions. Do you understand?
Homer: Yes. lie dectector blows up.

Homer: Cram it with walnuts, ugly!

Homer: Is this episode going on the air live?
June Velany: No Homer, very few cartoons are broadcast live. It's a terrible strain on the animator's wrist.

Homer drops large jar of coins creating hole: Hello? China? A little help?

John: It's camp! The ludicrously tragic? The tragically ludicrous?
Homer: Oh yeah. Like when a clown dies.

Homer: That John is the greatest guy in the world. We've gotta have him and his wife over for drinks sometime.
Marge: Mmm, I don't think he's married, Homer.
Homer: Oh, a swinging bachelor, eh? Well, there's lots of foxy ladies
out there.
Marge: Homer, didn't John seem a little... festive to you?
Homer: Couldn't agree more. Happy as a clam!
Marge: insisting He prefers the company of men!
Homer: Who doesn't?
Marge: Homer, listen carefully. John is a ho... mo...
Homer: Right. Right.
Marge: ...sexual.
Homer: Augh!!

Homer: They turned the Navy into a floating joke. They ruined all our best names like Bruce and Lance and Julian. Those were the toughest names we had! Now they're just...
John: Queer?
Homer: Yeah, and that's another thing! I resent you people using that
word. That's our word for making fun of you! We need it!

Bart: Dad, why'd you bring me to a gay steel mill?
Homer: I don't know! This is a nightmare! You're all sick!
Worker: Oh be nice!

Homer: Here's to alcohol, the cause of—and solution to—all life's problems.

Mr. Sparkle Plant Worker: Mushi mushi!
Homer: This is Homer Simpson from America. Who may I say is speaking to me?
Worker hands phone to another Worker: Hello chief, let's talk, why not?
Homer: Um, hello? Why am I Mr. Sparkle?
Worker: You like Mr. Sparkle?
Homer: Well, I am Mr. Sparkle.
Worker: You have many questions, Mr. Sparkle. I send you premium answer question 100%!
Homer: Oooh!

Salesman: Surely you can't put a price on your family's lives?
Homer: I wouldn't have thought so either, but here we are.

Homer: They have the internet on computers now!

Homer: correcting a superior officer Nu-cu-lar. It's pronounced nu-cu-lar.

Praying heavenward
Homer: I'm not normally a religious man. But if you're up there, save me, Superman!

Homer: Lisa, can you open the window? They have daddy's fingerprints on file.

Man: Uh, sir, you can't operate a boat under the influence of alcohol.
Homer: That sounds like a wager to me!

Ron Howard sniffing Homer's breath: Do I smell vodka... and wheatgrass?
Homer: It's called a lawnmower, I invented it. You want one?
Ron Howard: Yeah, okay.
Kim Basinger: And I'll have a rum and zinc.

Homer: What's happening to me? There's still food, but I don't want to eat it. I've become everything I've ever hated.

Homer: I'd like to read the following statement I just wrote, but I do it under my own free will. It has come to my attention that NBC sucks. I am sorry for misleading you and I urge you to watch as many FOX shows as you can. So, in summary, NBC, bad. FOX, good. CBS, great.

Astrid Weller: Your husband's work is what we call "outsider art". It could be by a mental patient, or a hillbilly, or a chimpanzee.
Homer: In high school I was voted most likely to *be* a mental patient, hillbilly, or chimpanzee!

Homer: Oh, yeah! I'm betting on Jai Alai in the Cayman Islands, I invested in something called "News Corp"—
Lisa: Dad, that's FOX!
Homer: Undo! Undo!

Marge: C'mon, Homer, Japan will be fun. You like Rashomon.
Homer: That's not how I remember it. Besides, if we wanted to see Japanese people we could have gone to the zoo!
Marge: Homer!
Homer: What? The guy who washes the elephants is Japanese. His name is Takashi! He's in my book club!

Editor: This is a joke, right? I mean this is the stupidest thing I've ever read!
Homer: What's wrong with it?
Editor: You keep using words like "pasghetti" and "momatoes," you
make numerous threatening references to the UN, and at the end you repeat the words "Screw Flanders" over and over again.

Homer: Stupid sexy Flanders.

About Hawaii
Homer: We'll take the cure, bag a few lobsters, then watch some gay guys get married.

Homer: Save me Jebus!

Homer: If The Flintstones has taught us anything, it's that pelicans can be used to mix cement.

Homer: Florida? But that's America's wang.

Homer: Then we figured out we could just park them in front of the TV. That's how I was raised and I turned out TV.

Homer: I want to set the record straight: I thought the cop was a prostitute.

Homer: Why did I take such punishment? Let's just say fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug was the drugs.

Homer: Now, talks into mouse Computer, kill Flanders.
Flanders: Did I hear my name? My ears are burning.
Homer to computer: Good start. Now finish the job.

Marge: This is terrible! How will the kids get home?
Homer: I dunno. Internet?

Homer: I have a great way to solve our money woes. You rent your womb to a rich childless couple. If you agree, signify by getting indignant.
Marge: Are you crazy? I'm not going to be a surrogate mother.
Homer: C'mon, Marge, we're a team. It's uter-US, not uter-YOU.
Marge: Forget it!

Scientist: That appetite depressant is amazing!
Scientist 2: Homer... you really have no desire to eat that food?
Homer: Food... food?! I'm blind! Augh! Augh!
Scientist: Who's gonna buy a pill that makes you blind?
Scientist 2: Why don't we let marketing worry about that.

Homer: Please, turn me back into the blissful boob I was.
Scientist: Sorry, we don't play god here.
Homer: Huh? You do nothing but play god! And I think your octo-parrot would agree with me.
Octo-Parrot: Awk! Polly shouldn't be!

Marge: Lisa, a missing crayon could be anywhere.
Homer jumps inside through a window
Homer: Who wants lottery tickets?
Marge: Okay, it's in his brain.

Abe: I'm beginning to think you don't love me.
Homer: Awww! Dad I love you. If it were up to me you'd never die. But try telling that to Killy McGhee up there!

Homer's Brain: Use reverse psychology.
Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated.
Homer's Brain: Okay, don't use reverse psychology.
Homer: Okay, I will!

Record Book Guy: Everyone, welcome to the Duff Book of Records! Springfield is the world's fattest town.
Homer: Woo hoo! In your face, Milwaukee!

Homer: Thank you, Erin Choco-Snitch. That was a group effort.

Spanish Guy: Okay, mon. Here's your sugar. Now you give us the money.
Homer leaving on raft: That wasn't part of the deal.
Spanish Guy pulls out contract: He's right! Who wrote this thing?

Flanders: Son we're here to help with your... uh, which addicti-diddly-diction are we going after here?
Homer: Overeating. And if there's time we'll get to my drinking. But there won't be time.

Homer: I am not too fat. I'm alive, aren't I?
Tab Spangler (Al Brooks): Mr. Simpson, you're suffering from P.S.I. Poor Self Esteem. points to the PSI sign. That's not I. Every sign is wrong!
Homer: Oh that's terrible.
Tab Spangler: We got a long drive ahead. You wanna pull off at a motel? We'll split a room.
Homer: Where will I sleep?
Tab Spangler: We can worry about that when we're standing naked before the bed! My goodness! No wonder you eat. What are you eating now?
Homer: Cheeseburger.
Tab Spangler: You're a catastrophe! Let me have half of it.
Homer: I don't wanna.
Tab Spangler: I just want the cheese. I don't want the meat. I do want the meat!
Homer: Here's a corner.
Tab Spangler: Let me just bite it. Don't rip it! Let me have the whole thing. You'll get some later.
Homer: You're a selfish jerk.
Tab Spangler: I smelled it. It has to be eaten!
Homer: But it's my burger.
Tab Spangler: I'm driving. I'll kill us.
Homer: Fine. I'd rather die.

Bart: Dad I though you didn't like her saxophone.
Homer: I didn't, but now Daddy's special medicine—(raises voice menacingly) which you must never use because it will RUIN YOUR LIFE—let's Daddy see and hear magical things you will never experience. EVER!

Homer: Are you sure you don't want to come to our Civil War reenactment? We need plenty of Indians to shoot.
Apu: I do not know which part of that statement to correct first.

Homer is staring at Carmen Electra's chest
Carmen Electra: Homer, my face is up here.
Homer: I've made my choice.

Sideshow Bob: How can one ordinary man have so many enemies?
Homer: I'm a people person. Who drinks.

Elvis Costello: Come on. Who'd like to be a bass player?
Homer: Out of my way, Nerdlinger. grabs guitar and knocks off Elvis' glasses
Elvis Costello: My image!

Some drywall collapses and Maggie crawls out
Homer: Maggie! That's where you were, honey! You were hiding in the drywall, yes you were. Daddy's sure happy social services didn't see this, yes he is.

Surgeon: Okay, count backwards from ten.
Homer: Fine. I admit it. I'm drunk.

Homer: "Tip 1: Live every day like it was your last." Done and done! cut to Homer sitting on a curb, crying. I don't want to die! I'm still young!

Homer: to Maggie Prove me wrong, Silent Bob!

Homer: TV and Nightmares have joined forces to teach me a lesson.

Homer: I'm unloved by Al? Death points to the grave. I'm unloved by all?!

Homer crying as he crashes through the power plant and hits someone: Aw! That was the grief counselor!

Homer singing: Here in my car/I'm hosing off blood/Some of it's mine/ but most of it's not.

Homer: Long have we awaited the coming of the white man... and Carl.

Homer: I offer you the guidance of my daughter, Sacagawea. In our language, that means "know-it-all who never shuts her maize-hole".

Homer: Coke and Pepsi are the same thing! Wake up people!

Marge: Hostess Twinkies?
Homer: I heard if you age them for ten years, they turn to liquor.

Homer: As the Bible says, "Screw that!"

Bart: You listened to Lisa, and then you lost your stranglehold on the audience.
Homer: I'll audience you!

Homer: The internet wasn't created for mockery! It was supposed to help researchers at different universities share data sets. It was!

Sports Newscaster: But first, professional sports continues its downward march into the gutter.
Homer: Heh heh heh. This is either about me or steroids.

Lisa: They're tearing down the pier.
Bart: But what will junkies do drugs under?
Homer: They'll bounce back, son. They're a strong people.

Homer about My Sharona: That song is a pop music footnote! the bullies pause I didn't say stop!

Homer: Alright. You can shoot your gay adult film at my house.
Fat Tony: I didn't say anything about gay.
Homer: But I thought you guys were the gay mafia.

Lisa: Dad! Don't act like Mussollini.
Homer: Hm. I thought I was doing Donald Trump.

Marge: Homey, what's that? On the back of your head?
Homer: It's called headvertising. It creates brand awareness without relying on traditional media.
Marge: Well it creeps me out. Homer turns off the light Wow. It glows in the dark.
Homer confused: It's not supposed to.

Homer: I'm stuck! And I have to pee. pause Now I'm just stuck.

Homer: You're giving me absolute power?
Burns: Mm hm.
Smithers: Sir, doesn't that corrupt?
Burns: Absolutely not.

Homer (captaining the Mayflower): Don't worry, Marge! I'll see to it that all you fundamentalist Christians live to take over all of America by the 21st century!

Bart: Dad, isn't it wrong to open and/or eat other people's mail?
Homer: Son, all our mail has ever brought me is bad news. Bills, jury duty, Entertainment Weekly...

That candy's been here an awfully long time. I'd think twice if I were you.
Homer: Don't tell me how many times to think.

Marge: Homer! Our son joined the army!
Homer: Eh. Big deal. By the time Bart's 18 we're gonna control the world. We're China, right?

Homer: There once was a rapping tomato
That's right, I said rapping tomato
He rapped all day, from April 'til May
And also, guess what, it was me.

Marge: Homer! Don't drink and drive.
Homer: Fine. I'll drive between sips.

Homer giving Marge more popsicle sticks: This is the most fun I've ever had giving you wood.

Homer about Gil: Why did you let that loser into our home?
Marge: I'll tell you why: Christian charity.
Homer: Christian Charity? What does a porn star have to do with this

Homer: But I thought bankruptcy was the cool law. The one that says, "Don't worry. I got this."

Skinner: Simpson! I'll teach you to make a poupon me.

Homer: Did you know that everyday Mexican gays sneak into this country and unplug our braindead ladies?

Homer: Hey boy, do you know where the family is? Show me on MapQuest. SLH growls Fine. Google Maps.

Homer: The mother of my children with the reason for my children!
Marge: Homer, please!
Duff Man: I'm just giving it to your wife. She is going to be sore tomorrow.

Marge: You have to be there. You miss way too many precious moments in the children's lives.
Homer: What? Name twelve.
Bart: Well, just this week there's been field day, pick me up from airport—
Lisa: And the father-daughter dance!

Marge: Homer, you can not miss Lisa's big day. And you have to come sober!
Homer: American sober or Irish sober?
Marge: .08 sober!
Homer: .15!
Marge: .09!
Homer: .10. With a stomach full of bread. Final offer.

Marge: Homer, I'm a hostage in a bank robbery!
Homer: What? Oh my god! My sweet Margie! Okay, listen very carefully: don't do anything they say, remain panicky, and above all try to be a hero.

Homer: Listen carefully: I've taken your wife hostage. If you don't have a wife I have kidnapped your brother. Nod if you understand. Good. Now back away from Burns and I will let your dog live.

Homer: If you haven't sprung from or are married to my loins get out of this house. You too, Fred Thompson.
Fred Thompson: But I was in Die Hard.
Homer: Die Hard 2.

Marge: We wouldn't be in this trouble if you'd just pay the heating bill.
Homer: I thought Global Warming would take care of it. Al Gore can't do anything right!

Homer: Okay, I'll keep the LPs, and you take the CDs. I'll take the typewriter, you take the computer. I'll take the Enron stock, you take the Microsoft stock...

Homer: Marge give me a break. I don't notice the color of people's eyes. I just judge them by the color of their skin.

Bart: Why do all your stories have commercials in them for the Container Store?
Homer: Because if I do it enough maybe they'll start to pay me.

Homer: For the next two hours we'll be kid-free. It'll be just like the time we lost them at the mall. That was the best Christmas ever.

Homer: Oh boy, dinnertime. The perfect break between work and drunk!

Homer: Well that's our book for the year. I think we've earned some TV.

Homer: Stop saying things, Bart. That's the TV's job.

Marge: Homey, I'm going to be a dancer!
Homer: Go-Go or boring?
Marge: Boring!
Homer: Oh.

Homer: Son, while your mother and little mother are out I'm going to let you in on a deep dark family secret.
Bart: You have a drinking problem?
Homer: I said "secret". Have you ever wondered what I do in that locked room?
Bart: Gay out?
Homer: Well wonder no more!
Bart: Beef jerky? The queen of all the jerkys!

Homer about the kissing Lincolns: The one on the left looks into it but the one on the right is just experimenting.

Homer: Wait! This is the Classic 1978 Pizza Hut. Mmm... terrible.

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