Quotes from The Simpsons

Celebrity Guest Voices

Harry Shearer (Spinal Tap): We salute you, our half-inflated overlord!

The Be-Sharps perform on a building rooftop
George Harrison: It's been done.

Joey Ramone: Go to hell, you old bastard!
Mr. Burns: Have the Rolling Stones killed.
Smithers: But sir, those aren't—
Mr. Burns: Do as I say!

Billy Corgan: Billy Corgan, Smashing Pumpkins.
Homer: Homer Simpson, smiling politely.

Tech guy: Who is playing with the London Symphony Orchestra? Come on people, somebody ordered the London Symphony Orchestra... posssibly while high. Cypress Hill, I'm looking in your general direction.
Cypress Hill: Yo, did we order the London Symphony?

Homer: Yes sir, Mr Scorpion!
Hank: Don't call me that. It's Mr. Scorpio, but don't call me that either. Call me Hank!

Hank Scorpio: By the way, Homer, what's your least favorite country, Italy or France?
Homer: France.
Hank adjusts a giant laser
Hank Scorpio: Heh heh. Nobody ever says Italy.

Mulder: Mr. Simpson, we want you to recreate your every move the night you saw the alien.
Homer: The evening began at the gentleman's club, where we were discussing Wittgenstein over a game of backgammon.
Scully: Mr. Simpson, it's a felony to lie to the FBI.
Homer: We were sitting in Barney's car eating packets of mustard. Happy?

Scully: Homer, we're going to ask you a few simple yes or no questions. Do you understand?
Homer: Yes. lie dectector blows up.

Bart: Leonard Nimoy? What are you doing here?
Leonard Nimoy: Wherever there is mystery and the unexplained, cosmic forces shall draw me near.
Bart: Uh huh.
Hot Dog Vendor: Hey Spock, what do you want on your hot dog?
Leonard Nimoy: Surprise me.

Homer: Is this episode going on the air live?
June Velany: No, Homer. Very few cartoons are broadcast live. It's a terrible strain on the animator's wrist.

John: It's camp! The ludicrously tragic? The tragically ludicrous?
Homer: Oh yeah. Like when a clown dies.

Homer: They turned the Navy into a floating joke. They ruined all our best names like Bruce and Lance and Julian. Those were the toughest names we had! Now they're just...
John: Queer?
Homer: Yeah, and that's another thing! I resent you people using that
word. That's our word for making fun of you! We need it!

Cecil: And now to kill you. There may be a slight ringing in your ears. Fortunately, you'll be nowhere near them.

Tab Spangler (Al Brooks): C'mon, let's look for your dad. And if we have time we'll look mine.

Homer: I am not too fat. I'm alive, aren't I?
Tab Spangler (Al Brooks): Mr. Simpson, you're suffering from P.S.I. Poor self esteem. points to the PSI sign. That's not I. Every sign is wrong!
Homer: Oh that's terrible.
Tab Spangler: We got a long drive ahead. You wanna pull off at a motel? We'll split a room.
Homer: Where will I sleep?
Tab Spangler: We can worry about that when we're standing naked before the bed! My goodness! No wonder you eat. What are you eating now?
Homer: Cheeseburger.
Tab Spangler: You're a catastrophe! Let me have half of it.
Homer: I don't wanna.
Tab Spangler: I just want the cheese. I don't want the meat. I do want the meat!
Homer: Here's a corner.
Tab Spangler: I mean just bite it. Don't rip it! Let me have the whole thing. You'll get some later.
Homer: You're a selfish jerk.
Tab Spangler: I smelled it. It has to be eaten!
Homer: But it's my burger.
Tab Spangler: I'm driving. I'll kill us.
Homer: Fine. I'd rather die.

Ron Howard sniffing Homer's breath: Do I smell vodka... and wheatgrass?
Homer: It's called a lawnmower, I invented it. You want one?
Ron Howard: Yeah, okay.
Kim Basinger: And I'll have a rum and zinc.

Homer is staring at Carmen Electra's chest
Carmen Electra: Homer, my face is up here.
Homer: I've made my choice.

Elvis Costello: Come on. Who'd like to be a bass player?
Homer: Out of my way, Nerdlinger. grabs guitar and knocks off Elvis' glasses
Elvis Costello: My image!

Richard Dean Anderson to Selma and Patty: You're into MacGuyver? That show was so stupid. "Oh, I'm MacGuyver! I can make a bomb out of a banana peel and a toaster!" That show was just a paycheck for me and nothing more.

Richard Dean Anderson: Watch the face! I need that for acting!

Richard Dean Anderson: Welcome home! Guess who made MacGuyver burgers? MacGuyver.
Patty: We didn't have any ground beef.
Richard Dean Anderson: Yeah, but you did have Slim Jims, a cheese grater and rubber bands to hold it all together.
Selma: We gotta get rid of this kook.

Jack: Chloe, I need those schematics now.
Bart: What? Who the hell is this?
Jack: I'm Jack Bauer. Who the hell are you?
Bart: Me? I'm ... Ahmed A. Dooty.
Jack: Chloe, find out all you can about Ahmed A. Dooty. Does anyone there know Ahmed A. Dooty?
Chloe: Ahmed A. Dooty. Wealthy Saudi financier disappeared into Afghanistan in the late 90s.
Jack: Really?
Chloe: No, Jack. It's a joke name. You're being set up.
Jack: Dammit!

Dwight: Okay, this isn't the way I planned it. But you can make it out alive as long as there's no funny stuff.
Krusty: Don't worry about me. I was voted America's Least Funny clown. Worse than Scuzzo, Scummo, Oopsie, Carlos Mencia, Stinko, Blumpy... Even worse than Sargeant Serious. How could I do worse than him? I stole all his jokes!

Jon Stewart: Hey Krusty, I've haven't seen you since you bailed on that benefit.
Krusty: Yeah, I didn't really believe in the cause.
Jon Stewart: Well Krusty's Kids sure missed you.
Krusty: Yeah, they're great. A little clingy.

Jon Stewart: I'll thank you to keep my zingers out of your mouth. I'll try to remember you the way you used to be.
Krusty: But I've always been terrible!

Drew Carey: What I love about Krusty is he's always on. But to find out what, you gotta tet his pee.
Homer: Pee! Ha ha ha.
Drew Carey: Seriously. Test his pee. He's a danger to the community.

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