Quotes from The Simpsons

Bart Simpson

Bart: What'd you do? Screw up like the Beatles and say you were bigger than Jesus?
Homer: All the time. It was the title of our second album.

Lisa: And now you can go back to just being you, instead of a one-dimensional character with a silly catchphrase.
Homer breaks lamp: D'oh!
Bart: Aye Carumba!
Marge: Hmmm.
Flanders: Heidely-ho.
Barney: burps
Nelson: Ha ha!
Burns: Ex-cellent!
Lisa: If anyone wants me, I'll be in my room.

Bart: Hey guys, just so you don't hear any wild rumors, I'm being indicted for fraud in Australia.
Homer: Pfft. That's no reason to block the TV.

Milhouse: Pleasure doing business with you.
Bart: Any time, chummmmmmm... p.

Lisa: Pablo Neruda said, "Laughter is the language of the soul."
Bart: I am familiar with the works of Pablo Neruda.

Bart: singing You don't win friends with salad! You don't win friends with salad!

Homer: So I realized that being with my family is more important
than being cool.
Bart: Dad, what you just said was powerfully uncool.
Homer: You know what the song says: "It's hip to be square."
Lisa: That song is so lame.
Homer: So lame that it's... cool?
Bart and Lisa: No.
Marge: Am I cool, kids?
Bart and Lisa: No.
Marge: Good. I'm glad. And that's what makes me cool—not caring, right?
Bart and Lisa: No.
Marge: Well, how the hell do you be cool? I feel like we've tried
everything here.
Homer: Wait, Marge. Maybe if you're truly cool, you don't need to
be told you're cool.
Bart: Well, sure you do.
Lisa: How else would you know?

Bart: Leonard Nimoy! What are you doing here?
Leonard Nimoy: Wherever there is mystery and the unexplained, cosmic forces shall draw me near.
Bart: Uh huh.
Hot Dog Vendor: Hey Spock, what do you want on your hot dog?
Leonard Nimoy: Surprise me.

Bart: Dad, why'd you bring me to a gay steel mill?
Homer: I don't know! This is a nightmare! You're all sick!
Worker: Oh be nice!

After Homer turns on the Christmas lights.
Bart: It's craptacular.

Bart: Well, I'm flunking math and the other day I was a little attracted to Milhouse.

Rupert Murdoch picking up phone: Hello, Murdoch here... 10,000 dollars? You've saved my network!
Bart: Wouldn't be the first time.

Lisa and Bart: Augh! It's Sideshow Bob!
Sideshow Bob: Oh Bart, we've been through so much together. Just call me Bob.
Lisa and Bart: Augh! It's Bob!

Bart: Please make me write something on the chalkboard a thousand times.
Ms. Krabapple: We got tired of that blackboard thing years ago.

Lisa: If dad ever reads that book he's gonna be so humiliated!
Bart: He'll never read it.
Lisa: What if they make it into a movie?
Bart: He'll never see it.
Lisa: What if they parody it on "MadTV"?
Bart: We're doomed!

Lisa: There's spiders in your hair!
Bart: That's what you call commitment to a bit.

Bart: Wicca's a Hollywood fad.
Lisa: Thats Kaballah, you jerk.

Bart: You listened to Lisa, and then you lost your stranglehold on the audience.
Homer: I'll audience you!

Bart: Do you think I'm telling people not to have a cow because deep down I want them to have a cow?

Marge: Bart, this is all we can afford for now. If it doesn't work maybe when you're an adult you can pay some lady to make you happy for an hour.
Bart: You know, I think I will.

Jack: Chloe, I need those schematics now.
Bart: What? Who the hell is this?
Jack: I'm Jack Bauer. Who the hell are you?
Bart: Me? I'm ... Ahmed A. Dooty.
Jack: Chloe, find out all you can about Ahmed A. Dooty. Does anyone there know Ahmed A. Dooty?
Chloe: Ahmed A. Dooty. Wealthy Saudi financier disappeared into Afghanistan in the late 90s.
Jack: Really?
Chloe: No, Jack. It's a joke name. You're being set up.
Jack: Dammit!

Lisa: And Ralph is only eight years old. It says in the Constitution you have to be 35.
Bart: The Constitution? I'm pretty sure the Patriot Act killed it to ensure our freedoms.

Kirk: Attention everyone. Luann and I have some big news.
Bart: Is it that you're brother and sister? Because you really look a lot alike.

Bart: Whatcha doin', mom? Going crazy?

Bart: Hey, I didn't know this park was here.
Lisa: You wrote a report on it last week.
Bart: The internet wrote it. I just handed it in.

Homer: C'mon Bart, all the nerds are doing it.
Bart: I'm not a nerd. I'm a jock who's too cool for sports.

Homer: Son, while your mother and little mother are out I'm going to let you in on a deep dark family secret.
Bart: You have a drinking problem?
Homer: I said "secret". Have you ever wondered what I do in that locked room?
Bart: Gay out?
Homer: Well wonder no more!
Bart: Beef jerky? The queen of all the jerkys!

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