Quotes from The OC

Seth Cohen (Adam Brody)
Season One

PILOT

Seth Cohen: to Ryan Summer's right over there, look. Wait, don't look. I mean you can look, but don't look like you're looking.

Seth: Oh wow, I should really learn how to knock. Just in case there's a threesome going on. In the bathroom.

Seth: You guys really wouldn't hurt me. Because that would be so clichéd. they pick him up I guess you're fans of the cliché then.

THE MODEL HOME

Seth: You remember the meatloaf incident of '98?
Kirsten Cohen: That was brisket.
Seth: That's my point exactly.

Ryan: I didn't tell her anything. I think the black turtleneck in August tipped her off.
Seth: Okay, I was going for stealth. And also it's very slimming.

Marissa driving : Why won't you tell me where we're going? This is pretty far away.
Seth: Oh, wow. Complaining. That's very interesting considering nobody invited you. 
Marissa: Hey, before I came along you were on a skateboard.

Luke Ward: What are you looking at, you queer?
Seth: quietly Yeah, well at least I don't shave my chest.
Luke: What did you just say?
Seth: I said you look good in a sweater vest. It was a compliment.

Sandy Cohen : Since the minute you were born I knew I would never take another easy breath without knowing that you were all right.
Seth: So I'm like asthma?

THE DEBUT

Kirsten: Seth, we need to talk to Ryan.
Seth: Okay. If this has to do with the rug, though, I just wanted to tell you that Ryan had nothing to do with it.
Kirsten: What about the rug?
Seth: I'm gonna go now.

Seth: Dude. You're a Cohen now. Welcome to a life of insecurity and paralyzing self-doubt.

Sandy: Fellas, you mind?
Seth: Oh. Uh, if this is about the vase...
Sandy: Which vase?
Seth: Nothing. Let's go, Ryan.

Ryan: panicked You didn't tell me there was dancing.
Seth: Well if I told you there was dancing, I'd be here by myself.
Ryan: Because I really don't dance.
Seth: Neither do I. I just move well.

Seth: You know, you're a great barbecuetionist.
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Seth: Wow. You just got your butt kicked and you didn't even fight back. Dude, you really are a Cohen.

Seth about Summer: By the end of the night, she might know my first name.

THE OUTSIDER

Ryan: Your mom bought me some new clothes. Which she didn't have to do.
Seth: Right. Because we all know you can get a lot of mileage out of a tank top.

Ryan: Ever since your parents took me in they've been paying for everything. I can't keep doing this.
Seth: They're parents. They work for us.

Seth: How do you feel about a little thing that I like to call... the IMAX Experience. pause. This town sucks, it's the best I could do.

Ryan: It's kind of a shady area up there. It's a hardcore neighborhood.
Seth: Dude, it's Long Beach, not Chechnya.

In front of a trashed Range Rover
Sandy: So this happened in the parking lot of the IMAX movie theater?
Seth: Shark movies bring out a rough crowd.

Seth: It turns out that I'm quite skilled at getting a date if it's not for me.

Donnie: How much 'you hate this kid, Ryan? The way he talks to you like you're trash? What about you, Seth?
Seth: Yeah. He's definitely flawed.

Seth: It'd be good to take some me-time—work on my novel. Tonight would make a good chapter.

Seth: United, we're unstoppable, but divided, it's like—
Ryan: People get shot.
Seth: That's what I'm saying.

THE ESCAPE

Seth: What happens in Mexico stays in Mexico.
Ryan: What happens in Mexico?
Seth: I don't know, because it stays there. That's why we must go!

Kirsten: After 15 years? There's no way he's selling out.
Sandy: Well, it'd have to be one hell of a free meal.
Seth: And that's what they call a callback in comedy, Ryan.

Summer: You're Jewish?
Seth: Yes. That's why I feel so comfortable in this desert heat.

Summer: This is a nightmare. I'm sweating to death, driving ten miles an hour on, like, a rickshaw, listening to this... music.
Seth: Hey, do not insult Death Cab.
Summer: It's like one guitar and a whole lot of complaining.
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Summer: I am positive that I'm leaving this place with a rash.
Seth: Oh, so you're planning on making some extra money tonight?

Summer: What're you doing?
Seth: Almost watching TV. This is either Spongebob Squarepants or Jag.

Summer: Come on. Get off the bed!
Seth: Nope.
Summer: Be, like, a gentleman?
Seth: Chivalry's dead, sugar.
Summer get onto the bed
Summer: You make a move, I rip out your jugular.
Seth: Hey, pillow talk.

Kirsten: Ok, now let's talk about that surprise little trip to Tijuana.
Seth: It's pronounced Tee-Ha-Wana. You're so white, mom.

THE GIRLFRIEND

Sandy: Are we worried your dad won't love us if we don't feed him enough?
Kirsten: Alright, starting now, no more digs at my dad.
Sandy: Oh no, that wasn't a dig. Seth, was that a dig?
Seth: No. When you called him a heartless bastard, that was a dig.
Sandy: You sold me out.

Gabrielle: I'm being sarcastic.
Seth: Ah. Yes, we don't get a lot of that around here.

Gabrielle: Fifth grade? Okay, she needs to change that. She's known that guy since he's been eating paste.
Seth: I think he still does.

Seth: It's fate, it's destiny. Look, they both have burritos.
Ryan: Wanna eat somewhere else?
Seth oblivious: Who's winning, me or my hair?

Seth incredulous: You hooked up with my grandma? Actually that's kinda hot.

Seth: Do you have any idea how pathetic it is to listen to you talk about mergers while some guy just stares at your boobs?
Summer: Which guy was staring at my boobs?
Seth: Who cares? The point is if that guy doesn't know you, he doesn't care who you really are. He has no idea that every day of third grade, you shared your lunch with that little skinny squirrel who kept getting his nuts stolen by that fat squirrel.
Summer: I hated that mean squirrel.
Seth: And, none of those guys were there when you had to read your poem out loud in class and your hand was shaking because you were nervous and you cared what the other kids thought.
Summer: Poem? What poem?
Seth: I Wish I Was A Mermaid.
Summer: You remember that? That was, like, sixth grade.
Seth: "I wish I was a mermaid and was friends with all the fish, a shiny tail and seashells, that's—
Summer kisses Seth
Seth: —what I would wish.

THE RESCUE

Sandy: If you can't talk to your dad, then who can you talk to?
Seth: Gee, I don't know. Ryan, Mom, that tree over there.
Sandy: You're gonna miss me when I'm gone.
Seth: When are you leaving?

THE HEIGHTS

Seth: How do you do that? Convey your mood with a look.
Ryan gives him a look

Seth: The master race has been perfected, Ryan, and they all go to this school.

THE PERFECT COUPLE

Seth: So when you lost your virginity, I was playing Magic the Gathering.
Ryan: You still play Magic.
Seth: Yeah, but not as much.

Seth: I'm only here for comic relief.
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Anna: So, this is your crib? This is where all the magic happens?
Seth: Well, if by magic, you're referring to the card game, then, sadly, yes.

THE HOMECOMING

Ryan: Titans. What about Legion? That was kinda cooler.
Seth: The guy is in prison, man. Have you seen Oz? But, yeah, Legion was kinda cooler.

Seth: Hey did you guys hear? Ryan's funny now.

Summer: I... I just can't help it. And I certainly can't explain it. You didn't tell anyone?
Seth: Of course not.
Summer: 'Cause I'll kill you.
Seth: No, I believe you.

Seth: Nothing says Thanksgiving like Moo Shu Pork.

Seth: Ryan. That's extremely minty of you. I didn't even know they had musicals in Chino. I didn't even know they had dancing. Or... laughter.
Ryan: That's because no one who lived there is as funny as you.
Seth: So, we finally agree I'm the funny one. Well look at that! Looks like we all learned some valuable lessons this Thanksgiving.

THE SECRET

Sandy: You don't feel warm.
Seth: Really? Do I feel cold and clammy?
Ryan: Maybe you have the Summer flu.
Seth: Yeah, it's November, but it's possible.
Ryan: Maybe you need some Anna-biotics...

Seth: defiantly I'm not afraid of Summer and Anna. *beat* Well, I'm not afraid of Anna.

Seth: You and Luke? Holy unholy alliances!

Luke: What are you looking at, Queer?
Seth: Is somebody gonna get new material? Luke lunges at him Alright. Go with what works.

Luke: Maybe I'll just skip it, you know? Just go to the beach and wait 'til this all blows over.
Ryan: Nope. It doesn't work that way. It's been months and I'm still the kid from Chino who burned a house down.
Marissa: And I'm still the girl who tried to kill herself in TJ.
Seth: And I'm still... Well, I'm still Seth Cohen.

THE BEST CHRISMUKKAH EVER

Ryan: You're really starting to scare me.
Seth: I'm okay with that.

Seth: I am the snowflake and the latke.

Seth: How was the mall?
Ryan: Weird.
Seth: Ah, yes. You've really painted a picture for me.

Seth: I'm gonna go make magic happen. I feel like my hair is really working for me tonight.

Seth: All right man, another Chrismukkah convert!

Kirsten: We didn't know how to raise Seth.
Seth: Right, and so I raised myself.

THE COUNTDOWN

Seth: Separate seats, you guys. There's no sex in the champagne room.

Hailey Nichol: Is that the short chick next door?
Seth: Puberty happened. She's a Laker.

Seth: Carson Daly and a ball dropping. There is two images that should never be said in the same sentence.

Sandy: Do you guys need anything?
Seth: Yes. Ryan needs a tear in the space time continuum.

Seth: Okay, that's a lot of genitalia in my pool.

Seth: I'm claustrophobic.
Ryan: Seth this place is huge. It has a kitchen and a bathroom.
Seth: Sh. Ryan, do not use up all the oxygen.
Ryan: You want a sandwich, a shower, we got all that here.
Seth: Ha ha ha. We're gonna die and I'm the good one.
Ryan: I sleep here every night. Three of the walls are made of windows.
Seth: Yes, which are now covered with naked dudes. We're trapped like rats.
Ryan: Yeah. Rats in an enormous pool house, by the way. Your aunt's really cool.
Seth: Yeh I know, she's be a bit unpredictable sometimes. My shirt's strangling me.
Ryan: Great, my girlfriend's kissing some guy. I'm stuck here with a lunatic.

Anna: Well I didn't want you to be alone.
Seth: I'm not alone. I have Captain Oats and Carson Daly.

THE THIRD WHEEL

Seth: to himself Luke has a gay dad. Luke has a gay dad. to Luke Hey, buddy, can't wait to see it!

Seth: Dude. I cannot believe you live in the penthouse. This place is ridonculous.

Sandy: Anyone going to be doing drugs?
Seth: I hope so. Otherwise it'd be a lame rock concert.

Seth: to a singing Luke Hey man, you know who sings this song?
Luke: Rooney!
Seth: Yeah. And it should stay that way.

THE LINKS

Ryan: I don't play golf.
Seth: Not true, buddy! You don't play golf very well.

Summer: What are you? Like 70?
Seth: On the inside yes.

THE RIVALS

Seth: He watches Leno. That explains everything.
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Sandy: He makes Ryan look funny.
Seth: He makes Marissa look funny.

Seth: I know Jon Stewart's no Leno, but, you know...

THE TRUTH

Sandy: Hello, ladies!
Seth: Dad, don't call me a lady.

Seth: You know how excited I get turning people on to comics.
Anna: I know how excited you get turning Summer on.

THE HEARTBREAK

Summer: I'm busy. Studying. Naked.
Seth outside her door: And that's supposed to keep me away?
Summer runs to the door and opens it.
Summer: You're at my house!
Seth: And you're dressed. I don't know which one of us is more disappointed.

Seth: It's not like, like now that me and Anna broke up I'm now choosing you. Because the whole reason we broke up is because of me. It's always been you Summer. It's just always been you. I tried to fight it and I tried to deny it. And I can't, I can't do it, you're undeniable. 

Seth to ryan: I was like a fish... flopping around on dryland, Ryan... I was Nemo and i just wanted to go home

Seth: I need advice on girl stuff.
Sandy: You've come to the master.
Kirsten snickers
Sandy: Hey, I got you.
Kirsten: I was young, impressionable, and drunk.
Seth: Only child, right here.

Sandy: Hey, listen, you were lucky to be able to hang in there after all that foreplay.
Seth: Fore-what-now?

Seth rubs his eye and squints.
Ryan: What'd you do to your eye?
Seth: Summer poked me in it with her big toe. There were limbs everywhere.
Ryan: Oh so you did the deed again?

Seth to Captain Oats: Not to rub it in, man, but I think Princess Sparkle was your type.
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Summer: The other night, when we had sex, you weren't the only virgin in the room.
Seth: There was someone else in the room?

THE TELENOVELA

Ryan about Marissa: We'll just go back to being friends.
Seth: When were you ever friends?

Summer: What are you gonna do, Coop? Lift weights? Wear a wife beater?

Kirsten: I sense sarcasm.
Seth: Well, you're perceptive, mother.

Sandy: You did musicals? I did a musical when I was in college.
Kirsten: Oh, please, someone stop him before he breaks into "Greased Lightning."
Seth: Do it, Dad! Travolta's your bitch!

Summer: I'm just not comfortable about PDA.
Seth: Then why did you sign up to kiss other guys for 10 dollars a pop at a kissing booth?

Seth: Hey, I didn't recognize you out of the Speedo. *beat* Not that I would recognize you in the Speedo.

Seth: How was Pittsburgh?
Anna: Great. It was good to be home.
Seth: Well how could you beat the home of Andy Warhol, Mr. Rogers, and ketchup?

Seth: I can't acknowledge you privately if you're not gonna acknowledge me publicly.

THE GOODBYE GIRL

Seth: My Jew-fro is frizzing out. I look like Screech.

Seth: I know, I get that. But if it is 'cause of me, maybe I can talk her out of it. Except for the fact that I can't ask her if it because of me without sounding totally self-absorbed. And I'm not self-absorbed, right Ryan? Me. Me. Me.

Seth: What if the girl I'm supposed to be with just went back to Pittsburgh?
Ryan: What if she just went back to Chino?
Seth: Why would Anna go to Chino? *pause* Kidding.
Ryan: Nice one. Well, at least we still have each other.
Seth: Actually, I have Summer now. But I'll put a little Seth/Ryan time on the books. That's quality time.
Ryan: Thanks, buddy. You know, I could always hang out with Luke. I wonder what he's doing right now.
Seth: I don't know. Discovering fire... Hunting and gathering... maybe shaving his chest with a buck knife. Hey you could do that together.
Ryan: I did do that.

THE L.A.

Seth: I think I'm going to declare this month Angst-Free Ryan month.

Seth: Maybe they're not having sex. Maybe they just go to spoon and watch Charlie Rose.

Ryan about Grady: He's kinda like you.
Seth: What? Handsome and charming?
Ryan: No. Geeky and sarcastic.

Ryan about Grady: How does that guy play high school?
Seth: Hollywood, man.

Ryan: See, I kinda think Seth is the brains.
Marissa: Oh really?
Seth: Yeah. And Summer's the bitch.

THE NANA

Luke: Hey, Cohen, get up.
Seth: It's my precious, you can't have it!

Seth: So what's the GPRA?
Ryan: I have no idea what you just said.
Seth: Game plan, Ryan Atwood.
Ryan: You're just using initials now?
Seth: Yeah. They save time.
Ryan: Well, not if you have friends that don't.
Seth: GP.
Ryan: Game Plan?
Seth: Good Point.

Seth: Mom, Hailey made three kinds of pancakes and waffles. They're deliciously redundant.

Seth: The Nana has never exactly cared for The Kirsten.

Sandy: Oh, c'mon, Mom. It's Ryan's first Seder.
Seth: How do you know that? Don't assume that. They have Jews in Chino. Why do you think they want a P.F. Cheng's.

The Nana: Shawn and your dad used to hang in a gang together.
Seth: Yeah? Bloods or Crips, father?

Summer: I'm gonna study this thing so hard I'm even gonna out-Jew you.
Summer opens the Hagada.
Seth: You're reading it backwards.

THE PROPOSAL

Marissa: Besides, I'm not the only one crying.
Seth: What? I'm not crying. It's allergies. Besides, there's a lot of pollen in here.

Seth walking in on Ryan donning a wifebeater: Hey! Oh... sorry. I'm surprised that hasn't happpened before. Not saying I'm disappointed it hasn't happened before just saying the mathmatical probability of...
Ryan: Yeah. Crying during chick flicks... walking in on me getting dressed...
Seth: Yeah, what's your point? Okay, I'm not seeing what you're getting at. Do you work out?
Ryan: Not really.
Seth: Cool, me neither. I'm gonna go watch some hockey.
Ryan: Hockey season's.
Seth: Dammit. Where are you going?
Ryan: Gonna go find Luke. Beat the crap out of him.
Seth: Oh. Where shall this can of whoop-ass be opened?
Ryan: I'm gonna go down to his house, try the pier...
Seth: Yeah, well have you considered the backyard?

Seth: Yeah, Summer, do you really think a little Feng Shui would make her forget her mom slept with her ex-boyfriend?

Summer: You don't like the hardware store, you cry during chick flicks, you don't want to go to the hardware store. Next thing you're going to tell me, you walk in on Ryan changing?
Seth: That's crazy! Hey let's go to the hardware store.

Summer: You have to find the stud. Go get the stud-finder.
Seth: The stud? Oh Summer I think you've found him. You're the stud-finder!

Summer reading: "1996 All School Hide-and-Seek Champion."
Seth: I do believe Joel Gordon is still looking for me.

Summer: You were in the comic book club?
Seth: Yeah. President and only member.

Summer: Don't you know what a level is?
Seth: Yeah. It's a term in video games.

Summer You're such a dandy, Cohen.
Seth offended: You're such a dandy!

Seth: So she'll watch after you with her Care Bear Stare?
Ryan: How do you know about the Care Bear Stare?

THE SHOWER

Seth about Kirsten: It's her Tourette's firing up again. Happens every once in awhile.

Seth: When this Julie-Caleb web is over, Julie Cooper is gonna be your mother-in-law.
Kirsten: Seth, my head is spinning
Seth: Yeah, me and Marissa? I can't even do that math. But the real kicker is...Julie Cooper? My grandma. My grandma wears Uggs. Think about it.

Seth: You met my mom, you met my dad, you met Captain Oats.

Seth: Sure we can do lunch. But your dad's not gonna need a menu because he'll be eating out of the palm of my hand. Ah ha hah!

Seth: Celery's gay. I got it, right.

Summer's dad: Comic books?
Seth: Sir... I think I hear the skepticism in your voice.

Seth: What would you say—in your professional opinion—Summer has more of? Vim or vigor?

Seth: So I didn't even get a review? Not that I read my own press. Nothing about thumbs or stars or—
Summer: We should go.

Seth to Summer: Hey. You're avoiding me. I like that. It's a throwback. Very eighth grade.

Seth about Summer's dad: I'm sorry I'm not his type. But you know what? That doesn't matter. None of it really matters. Except what I mean to you.
Summer: I'm sorry. runs off

Seth: Go talk to your girlfriend. One of us should be able to.

THE STRIP

Seth about Summer: Do I force confrontation or do I just continue to be whiny passive aggresive until she realizes what a catch I am?

Seth: Go back to bed. Or... the floor.

Theresa: I can't impose on Seth's parents forever.
Seth: Sure you can. I intend to.

Seth: Have you met my associate, Marty Navis?

Seth: Dude, what are we we do? I don't want to get thrown out of the hotel. I love the hotel. I wanna marry the hotel and have little gambling-addicted alcoholic kids with it. Is that wrong?

Seth: I love The Vegas. Obviously The Vegas loves me.

Seth: Why quit when we're ahead?
Ryan: 'Cause if we don't, Angry Trucker Hat Guy is gonna hurt me.

Seth: I hate The Vegas.

Seth about Texas Hold 'Em: That's a card game, not hooker-talk.

Seth: How you doing there, buddy? Got your blackmail money.

THE TIES

Seth: Seth's a good name if it's a boy.

Seth: There's really been no need for the Seth Cohen retaliatory zinger.

Ryan: Everything's fine.
Theresa: I'm pregnant.
Seth: Except that.

Summer: ...about my best friend.
Seth: Princess Sparkle is freaking out?

Seth: I just love pudding. It's so fun to say. Pudding. Pudding. Puuuudding.
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Ryan: You're talking to a boat, Seth.
Seth: Yeah, I talk to a plastic horse, too. But that never worries anyone.
Ryan: Yeah. It worries me.

Summer: I can't believe your boat's name is Summer. What a coincidence.
Seth: Right.

Seth: I think this was the very stretch of beach where we got our asses kicked by the water polo team.

Marissa: Believe me, if there was something I could do, I would.
Seth: Yeah, well, I think you've done enough already.

Summer: Hey. They sent me out to find you. Found you. I figured you'd be stuffing your pockets with cocktail weinies. You're still gonna see him. Chino's not that far away.
Seth: I just can't believe he's leaving. He's the first real friend I've ever had. He's the only real friend I've ever had.
Summer: No. You have me.
Seth: Yeah, but that's not the same thing. You don't get it. Before he got here, I was the biggest loser. This place was hell for me, okay? I can't help it, I can't just imagine what's it's gonna be like here without him.
Summer: We'll get through it. I promise.
Seth: Could you tell them I'll be back in a few moments, please?
Summer: Sure.
Seth to Summer: And, for the record? The boat was named after you.

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