Quotes from The OC

Sandy Cohen (Peter Gallagher)

THE MODEL HOME

Sandy: Since the minute you were born I knew I would never take another easy breath without knowing that you were all right.
Seth: So I'm like asthma?

THE DEBUT

Ryan: playing video games with Sandy Just don't touch any of the buttons, follow me through the forest, and maybe we'll both make it out of here alive.
later in the game
Ryan: You just stabbed me again.
Sandy: Oh, sorry.

THE GAMBLE

Sandy: Ryan, this is gonna be okay.
Ryan: My mom ditched me. I burned your wife's house down. How is this going to be okay?

Sandy: Well. I should be off. Gotta find the next kid to jeopardize the community. Maybe a black kid. Or an Asian kid.

THE GIRLFRIEND

Sandy: Are we worried your dad won't love us if we don't feed him enough?
Kirsten: Alright, starting now, no more digs at my dad.
Sandy: Oh no, that wasn't a dig. Seth, was that a dig?
Seth: No. When you called him a heartless bastard, that was a dig.
Sandy: You sold me out.

Kirsten: Maybe you guys can make peace this weekend.
Sandy: Okay. Oh no, no wait. I can't. I'm still Jewish. Just gettin' it out of my system, I promise.
Kirsten: I wonder what his new girlfriend's like.
Sandy: I am sure she is very well paid. Kirsten gives him a look. I am on fire.

THE ESCAPE

Kirsten: After 15 years? There's no way he's selling out.
Sandy: Well, it'd have to be one hell of a free meal.
Seth: And that's what they call a callback in comedy, Ryan.

Seth: This is gonna be awesome.
Sandy about Summer: She's hot stuff, son.
Seth: And now it's ruined.

THE RESCUE

Kirsten: I'm sure she'll apologize.
Sandy: You are? This is Julie Cooper we're talking about.

Sandy about his new office: Well, this doesn't suck.

Sandy: If you can't tell your dad, who can you talk to?
Seth: Gee, I don't know. Ryan, Mom, that tree over there.
Sandy: You're gonna miss me when I'm gone.
Seth: When are you leaving?

THE HEIGHTS

Kirsten: Doesn't Seth look rad?
Sandy: Seth does look rad. Mad props, son.

THE HOMECOMING

Kirsten: You think Ryan's okay?
Sandy: I think he'll be okay. He needs to do this.
Kirsten: Okay. Let me get in there, do some flipping.
Sandy: No no! Honey, honey! Seth really likes corn.
Kirsten: How do you expect me to get better?
Sandy: I don't. I'm sorry, but I don't. I'm sorry, but the boys and I made a pact.
Kirsten: A pact?
Sandy: A solemn promise.
Kirsten: When?
Sandy: You were in the bathroom.

Sandy: So Anna, what's the deal? You're parents don't believe in celebrating the genocide of the American Indian?

Sandy: Look, Jimmy's a good guy.
Rachel: He's a thief.
Sandy: And you're a lawyer, so it's a perfect match.

Sandy about Caleb and Julie: Ah! the gruesome twosome!

THE SECRET

Sandy: You don't feel warm.
Seth: Really? Do I feel cold and clammy?
Ryan: Maybe you have the Summer flu.

Seth: defiantly I'm not afraid of Summer and Anna. *beat* Well, I'm not afraid of Anna.

Sandy: And you're going to yogalates.
Kirsten: You just like saying that.
Sandy: Yogalates? Yeah, I kinda do. To Ryan Yogalates?
Ryan: Yogalates.

THE COUNTDOWN

Sandy: She's either run out of money, or ... she's run out of money.

GPS Lady tells Sandy to make a left
Sandy: GPS Lady says turn left, I'm going right!

Sandy: Sandy Cohen. Pleasure swinging with you.

Sandy: I should really learn how to knock. In case there's a threesome going on in my bedroom.

THE THIRD WHEEL

Ryan: about Hailey All her friends want to kick her ass. Sorry about the language.
Sandy: Why? I want to kick her ass.

Sandy: Hey, Connect Four was happening. It gets my blood up.

THE LINKS

about Julie and Caleb
Sandy: Oh god, the ugly Americans are coming back.

Kirsten offering Hailey a muffin: Pumpkin muffin?
Sandy: Yes, darling?

THE RIVALS

Sandy: Hi. I'm Sandy.
Danny: Then why don't you go take a shower? Sandy looks confused It's okay, I like you dirty.

Sandy: He makes Ryan look funny.
Seth: He makes Marissa look funny.

THE TRUTH

Sandy: The next time you feel like using your fists, you better open your mouth and talk. That's what I'm here for.

Julie: Hey, you guys wanna join us? We're celebrating my new position.
Sandy: Ohhh, not gonna touch that one.

Sandy: Hello, ladies!
Seth: Dad, don't call me a lady.

Sandy: Give me the keys. Ryan hesitates Give me the keys.
Ryan still hesitates
Ryan: You said if I needed your help, I could come to you.
Sandy: Give me the keys... I'll drive.

THE HEARTBREAK

Sandy: Lots of couples golf together.
Kirsten: Shortly before dying of old age.

Seth: I need advice on girl stuff.
Sandy: You've come to the master. Kirsten snickers. Hey, I got you.
Kirsten: I was young, impressionable, and drunk.
Seth: Only child, right here.

Sandy: Hey, listen, you were lucky to be able to hang in there after all that foreplay.
Seth: Fore-what-now?

Kirsten: Sometimes you make it so hard to hate you.
Sandy: I know!

THE TELENOVELA

Kirsten: He's a consultant.
Sandy: Could you be please be a little more vague?
Kirsten: He knows people.
Sandy: You did it. That was more vague.

Sandy: You did musicals? I did a musical when I was in college.
Kirsten: Oh, please, someone stop him before he breaks into "Greased Lightening."
Seth: Do it, Dad! Travolta's your bitch!

THE GOODBYE GIRL

Sandy: Do you want to know what I think?
Ryan: You're going to tell me either way, right?
Sandy: Like my own son.

Sandy: I promise you, I'd rather send you to jail that get in bed with your father.

THE NANA

Sandy: So how was everything at home?
Ryan: You tell me. I was in Chino.

THE PROPOSAL

Sandy: I like to anticipate the worst at all times. It's a Cohen family trait.

Kirsten: My dad is marrying Julie Cooper.
Sandy: Maybe you need another bottle.

Sandy: I had no choice.
Jimmy: You could have told me about Caleb and asked me to bow out.
Sandy: Like I said, I had no choice.

Sandy: That's the biggest you could do? As big as a badass like you?

THE SHOWER

Kirsten: So he bought your acceptance?
Sandy: At a really high price.

Sandy: What am I supposed to do?
Kirsten: Explain it to him. Instead of matching him glare-for-glare.

Sandy: So, are you ready to face the happy couple?
Kirsten: You mean the gruesome twosome?

Kirsten to Theresa: I have some concealer upstairs you can use. Works miracles.
Sandy: She's right. You should see her without it. Horrible.

Sandy: Don't try and fix this, kid. I'm your guardian and I get to call the shots. Now get out of the car.

Kirsten: I am never throwing another party again.
Sandy: Don't tease.

THE STRIP

Sandy to Caleb: So, Cay-Cay, what have you been doing all this time?

Sandy: According to Seth it was ground zero for aging hipsters like us.

Sandy: You might want to retract that. Because, according to you, Caleb's moving in.

Kirsten: There are four male strippers, dressed as firemen dancing in our living room.
Sandy: Theme-stripping. You gotta love that.
Kirsten: Oh, wait, now they're not dressed as anything at all.
Sandy: Try to keep them off of the furniture, honey.

THE TIES

Sandy: So that's why you wanted us out of the restaurant. Why you snaky... not so successful son of a bitch.

Sandy: Denial is a very effective coping mechanism.
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Sandy: Just because you're leaving doesn't mean I'm letting you go. pause Now, come on, get dressed. You're about to witness the most unholy of unions.

Sandy to Ryan: And Kirsten's not even a hugger.
Kirsten: You always know how to ruin a moment.

THE DISTANCE

Kirsten: Are you doing that thing where you think that I'm ignoring you, so you start speaking gibberish to see if I'm listening?
Sandy: Aw. You were listening.
Kirsten: Nope.

Sandy: Sometimes the best thing is for a kid to have some space.
Kirsten: The Pacific Ocean? That's space?

THE WAY WE WERE

Sandy: Since when is Scotch part of a nutritious brunch?
Caleb: Since the DA's office finally decided they had enough to indict me.

Sandy: What I said in there, it wasn't about you.
Kirsten: Thank god. 'Cause you were scary.

Sandy: Have dinner with us. I won't cook, I promise. Although if Kirsten's mad enough at you, she might.

Sandy: Don't say anything. I'll follow you to the station. to the arresting officer. I'm his lawyer.

THE NEW KID ON THE BLOCK

Kirsten: You quit?
Sandy: Quit slash got fired.

Caleb: When I have champagne I get giggly.
Sandy: When do you ever get giggly?

Caleb: What do you suggest I do?
Sandy: I suggest you kind a way to make it up to Kirsten now. Unless you want Julie to be your lawyer too.

Sandy: Does the light of dawn make any of this easier to take?
Kirsten: Harder, actually.

Sandy: She's agreed to an supervised visit. 20 minutes, max.
Caleb: She's my daughter, I don't need to be supervised.
Sandy: No, I'm supervising her. Because she might kill you.

THE SnOC

Sandy: What could he have done that would be so terrible he'd rather go to jail?... Unless, life with Julie Cooper...

Kirsten: I don't want you getting into trouble over this.
Sandy: Oh, honey, I think it's a little late for that.

Sandy: Never underestimate a parent's ability to mortify his children.

Sandy: Even if you were having an affair, 16 years is an awfully long time to be paying palimony... Unless there's a child.

THE CHRISMUKKAH THAT ALMOST WASN'T

Sandy: I've had so many clandestine meetings lately I feel like I'm in an Oliver Stone movie.

FAMILY TIES

Seth: It's a story as old as time, really. Boy meets girl, boy likes girl, boy finds out that girl is surrogate mother's illegitimate half-sister.
Sandy: I'm guessing it's too soon to joke Seth. Even for a Cohen.

Sandy: Keep shucking, Seth! I want dinner ready by the time your mother gets home.
Seth: menacing his father with corn Hey! Maybe I don't feel like shucking these... Okay, maybe you should go and shuck 'em yourself, old man!
long pause then suddenly Sandy and Ryan laugh
Ryan: That's good.
Sandy: You had me shaking in my boots.
Seth: I'm so screwed. Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the hulk. I get mad I turn into like a 75 year old yenta... named Silvia.

Jimmy: I've got terrible news, really. I've fallen in love with my ex-wife.
Sandy: You were married before Julie?
Kirsten: You're in love with Julie?

Sandy: What's going on? trash cans crash You guys are okay? Seth?
Seth: Shh! We're being stealth! tries to roll across the front of the car. And fails.

Marissa: I brought bagels.
Sandy: Well that's the secret password into the Cohen household.

THE POWER OF LOVE

Sandy: Nothing like Julie Cooper to put fear into the hearts of children.

Sandy: We can't fight a war on multiple fronts. Have we learned nothing from the Nazis?

THE EX-FACTOR

Sandy: Ask me while you're giving me the massage. I'm inclined to say yes.

Sandy: Okay, honey, I don't want to alarm you, but there's a giant Julie Cooper on the table.

Sandy: It's my fault. I've once again gotten caught up in this nasty game of Hungry, Hungry Hippo.

THE ACCOMPLICE

Gail: As you can see, it's a bit of a fixer-upper.
Kirsten: That's one way to put it.
Sandy: Who are you kidding, Gail? This place is a first-class dump. And I like it!

Kirsten: You're going to prison?
Sandy: Oh, just for the day.

THE SECOND CHANCE

Sandy: I can see how that might salt your game.
Rebekah: "Salt my game"? Is that how they talk in Orange County?
Sandy: Stick around, you'll be saying "rad" in no time.

Rebekah: We should celebrate!
Sandy: Yeah, I'll go rent out Chucky Cheese.

Sandy: Yeah, while I'm harboring a fugitive I'll go score some pot on the street.

THE LONELY HEARTS CLUB

Sandy: There are days that I think me and Kirsten are bullet proof. I don't wanna test that theory.

THE TEST

Kirsten: Have you seen Seth?
Sandy: Well I've smelled him. Smells like Teen Spirit to me.

Sandy: The FBI was here.
Kirsten: Well it wouldn't be the Cohen house if didn't have law enforcement.

Ryan about the movie: He tries to do good but he usually ends up destroying everything.
Sandy: Ah, good. My kinda hero.

THE RAINY DAY WOMEN

Sandy: I feel like we've become like strangers.
Kirsten: Well, I was told never to talk to strangers.

Kirsten: You took the bus.
Sandy: I told you, nothing could keep me away from you.
Kirsten: Is it over?
Sandy: I can promise you it never started.

THE MALLPISODE

Seth: Ah. Father. I'm glad to see you finally found your calling.
Caleb: Exactly what I said.
Sandy: Ah, nothing like a good crack about a plumber.

About the Skill Crane ring prize
Caleb: You really want that ring, don't you?
Sandy: More than anything.
Caleb: I'll get more quarters.

THE BLAZE OF GLORY

Kirsten: He wants to take it beyond gossip and dish. Focus on culture, the local art scene.
Sandy: So it's really more of a pamphlet than a magazine.

Sandy: Julie, you scared me. More than usual.
Julie: Always a pleasure, Sanford.
Sandy: Only Caleb gets to call me Sanford because he won't not.

Sandy: So you started out with a porn director and ended up with Caleb. I'd consider that a lateral move.

Sandy about Carter: Only a couple of weeks in Newport and already his spirit is crushed.

Julie: Please tell me you have some news.
Sandy: Well unfortunately Lance is as sleazy as he looks but not as dumb.

Julie: I am so screwed.
Sandy: I know. I saw the footage.

THE BROTHERS GRIM

Kirsten: I know Trey is the only family that Ryan has and I do think that we should help him—
Sandy: But you're scared I'll want to adopt him.

Sandy to Trey: Well, this is the crib.

THE RISKY BUSINESS

Trey: Just ah, something I picked up in prison.
Seth entering: Ah yeah, the old scallion and shiv omelet. I've seen Lockup. Stallone's finest work since Over the Top.
Trey: Stallone, huh? Eh, I'm more of a Van Damme fan.
Ryan: What, are you kidding me? Segal, man.
Seth: Yeah, a divided house can not eat. Now we all gotta get together between a single action hero.
Sandy entering: Steve McQueen.
Seth: Steve Ma-who?
Sandy: My own son doesn't know Steve McQueen.
Trey: You know a lot of people like Great Escape. I gotta go with Bullit.
Sandy: He cooks breakfast and a McQueen fan. I knew I liked you.

Seth: He surfs, he sings, he practically fights crime. Maybe Sandy Cohen could be our action hero.
Sandy: Just say the word, son.

Sandy about Ryan: He very chivalrous, not unlike a young Steve McQueen.
Seth: Yeah, some people say chivalry's dead, but I just don't believe it.

Sandy: So a charity event where the donors keep half the profits and a yardsale with no yard. Hm. So that's how they do it in the OC.

Kirsten: Sandy, it's an honorary chair. A figure-head position. You'd be the master of ceremonies, like an auctioneer. And you know what an MC has.
Sandy: An unfair advantage. You know the opponent's weakness.
Kirsten: That's right. A microphone. On stage. With an audience. A captive audience.
Sandy: And a few showtunes, perhaps.
Kirsten: You just have to go by the Club today and say hello.
Sandy: Just a figurehead?
Kirsten: With a mic.

Sandy: Hey, guys. I'm chairing The OC Pseudo-Charity Non-Yard sale.
Seth: Hey, Dad, that's fantastic.
Ryan: Good luck with that.

Newpsie: The job of the Chair is to choose table linens, flatware, centerpieces.
Sandy: Alright, okay. I'll help Trey with the lifting.

Sandy: Joanne. Tell me you didn't order those napkin rings? This is not a mob wedding.
Joanne: Gosh, Sandy, I thought they were kind of fun.
Sandy: No.

Sandy: So, you and Kirsten have been spending a lot of time working together. Long hours, late nights.

Sandy: We were talking about hanging out next week. Maybe get some drinks.
Kirsten: Well he definitely likes drinks. takes a sip of wine

Sandy admiring Ryan's job on Trey's tie: I am impressed! fixes tie Ready to rip-off some Newpsies?

Sandy: Okay, folks, here's a beautiful Erté-esque statue. Yes, indeed. Very fetching. What do we start the bidding at? $75. I guess it's more "esque" than Erté.

THE RAGER

Sandy: I tell you the timing in this household is a thing of beauty.

Sandy: You're just out of practice. Everybody hits themselves in the face with the board.
Carter: Three times in one wave?
Sandy: Well, that was impressive.

Kirsten: Hey Carter. You look nice.
Carter: Sandy told me to spiff it up a bit.
Sandy: Yeah, I didn't want him to embarrass us.

Sandy to Trey: Keep your mouth shut. I'll meet you in jail. to the arresting officer Officer, I'm his lawyer.

THE OC CONFIDENTIAL

Kirsten: Neither of us are actually in the right shape to drive just yet, so—.
Sandy: A little too much of the Indian Spirit, huh?

THE RETURN OF THE NANA

Kirsten: What happened?
Seth: Is everything alright?
Sandy: The Nana. Headed for the altar.
Kirsten: She's getting married?
Sandy: Pack your bags. We're going to Miami.
Seth: Alright. Shuffleboard, Mah Jonng, dinner at 4. This is going to be the best Spring Break ever.

Bobby: She's a great lady, huh? Your mom. Quite the pistol.
Sandy: I always thought of her as more of an AK-47.

Sandy: Look at Ma. A cell phone.
The Nana: I'm very hip.
Sandy: I guess so.
The Nana: I just can't read the buttons.

THE SHOWDOWN

Sandy: Do you think I look like Tony Blair?
Kirsten: Uh, you have nicer hair.
Sandy: Good hair, leader of Great Britain. I would call it a wash.

Sandy about Carter: Did you have an affair with him?
Kirsten: You don't get it, do you? Kirsten storms off
Sandy to himself: No.

THE DEARLY BELOVED

Sandy at Caleb's funeral: Caleb Nichol was not a man of many words. He was however a brilliant man. He leaves a legacy of possibility. But his true achievement were his children. He was a caring father, a wonderful grandfather, a truly terrible father-in-law... So, he may be gone, but he won't soon be forgotten. Rest in peace, Caleb. And if you can't do that, I'm sure heaven could use a few more McMansions.

Julie: If it would help, I could take over Kirsten Watch for awhile.
Sandy: I don't know if anything's gonna help.
Julie: So then let her glower at me. I'm used to it.
Sandy: Unfortunately, so am I these days. Thank you Julie.

Hailey about Kirsten: How long has this been going on?
Sandy: Too long. Last night sealed the deal. She's getting help whether she wants it or not.
Hailey: Speaking of help, how can I?

Sandy: You are a part of it. Whether you want to or not. You want to run away again? Get in your boat and sail away? Your mother needs you.
Enter Ryan
Sandy: Come on in Ryan, you should hear this.
Seth: Yeah, apparently mom's a drunk and today's the intervention. So plan your afternoon accordingly.

THE AFTERMATH

The Cops: We're looking for Ryan Atwood.
Sandy: You're a little late, I'm afraid.

Sandy to Ryan: Glad to see the jumpsuit still fits.

Jimmy: I'm trying to protect my family, too.
Sandy: Right. Because family means so much to you.
Jimmy: What's that supposed to mean?
Sandy: That means what are you doing back in Newport? Caleb dies. Boom. Suddenly you show up.

Sandy answering his cell: Grand Central Station.

Ryan: What happened?
Sandy: You have a hell of a girlfriend. And if you two get married you'll have a hell of a mother-in-law. But you're free.

THE SHAPE OF THINGS TO COME

Sandy: She kept this place in tip top shape without so much as picking up a sponge.
Ryan: Yeah. How did she do that?
Seth: Her presence kept us neat, Ryan, It's her protestant evil eye. It's a powerful thing.
Sandy: She's a woman of many talents.

Sandy: Jimmy couldn't make it?
Julie: He's working. Business associate from Hawaii showed up.
Sandy: Ah, just as well. One Montague, one Capulet. That should be plenty.

Sandy: I had a meeting at the school today. And they're concerned about bringing you and Marissa back after what happened.
Ryan: I'm getting kicked out.
Sandy: No, you're not. But Marissa is.

Sandy about the Seth Cohen Starter Pack: Rehab Edition: Our son has a very strange take on self-help.

Charlotte: If she tried to be the perfect mother and the perfect wife...
Sandy: She may never come home.

Sandy to Ryan: You need to go back and just listen.

THE END OF INNOCENCE

Sandy: Is there anything I need to know?
Jimmy: No no I mean. No, are you kidding, everything's fantastic. I just wanted to give my fiancée a little peace of mind.
Sandy: Well anything for the soon-to-be Mrs. Cooper-Nichol-Cooper.

Ryan: You and I are both here because someone gave us a break. Now Marissa needs one.
Sandy: Well, I think having Kirsten gone is making me all sentimental. Or maybe my brain is fried from doing all these real estate deals. Your plan poses a myriad of obstacles.
Ryan: Anything you can do. Thank you.

THE LAST WALTZ

Kirsten: Dr. [Butcher] said I should confront my fears. And mine is cooking.
Sandy: So's mine.
Kirsten: Well, we'll confront my cooking together.

Kirsten about the Newport Group: It's time to let it go.
Sandy: I'll handle everything.

Ryan: Hello.
Seth: Hey. Are you stocking the larder?
Sandy: Your mom's making me lamb ragout. It's French. Now where're you headed—? noticing Seth's attire Where are you headed?
Seth: Dance. There's a beach theme.
Ryan: I'm gonna drop in on Marissa, see if she needs a study break, maybe grab a bite.
Sandy: Well you're welcome to join us.
Ryan: You two have fun.
Sandy: Honey, I got everything on the list, including a little Chunky Monkey that's mostly for me. Alright, it's all for me.
Best. Ben and Jerry's. Ever.

THE PERFECT STORM

Kirsten to the boys: Sit. You are having Eggs Benedict Gruyere avec Paté de Foie.
Sandy: Something smells... fancy.

Summer: She's got Dean Hess in her back pocket, front, and who knows where else.

Sandy: Well. One kid dropping out of school and the other kid lying. I thought today was going to be boring.

Sandy: I for one, I love The Tofu. Tofuna. Tofurkey. Tobagel. Cream Tocheese. Too much?
Seth: It was a valiant effort.

Sandy to Ryan: Well you've beaten the Sandy Cohen mind meld.

Dean Hess: I take it from the surreptitious nature of your phone call that you had something urgent to discuss.
Sandy: Surreptitious. Good word. No wonder they made you a dean.

THE SWELLS

Williams: Mr. Cohen, I'd like to assure you that I intend to keep Caleb Nichol's legacy in place.
Sandy about the Martinson complex: So you're not gonna knock 'em down and build another juice shop?
Williams: You have my word.

Sandy: I'll have to think about this. You know what that means, don't you? I gotta ask my wife.

Kirsten: I thought you loathed corporate America.
Sandy: Oh I do. I loathe it all. The greed, Republicans, navy suits.

Sandy: I haven't had tequila in forever.
Matt: Then we should have a whole bottle. Game on, man.
Sandy: What's next? A frat party at UC?
Matt: No, I just wanted to celebrate.
Sandy: Listen I expect you to take this job seriously. I'm not gonna be out drinking with you every night after work. Weekends maybe. And tonight. Game on, Matt.
Matt: Game on, boss.

THE ANGER MANAGEMENT

Sandy: I fired four people today. I'm not sure I'm cut out for this job.
Kirsten: I'm glad you're upset.
Sandy: Good pep talk!
Kirsten: It means you care.

Sandy: I forget. You are your father's daughter.
Kirsten: No. I'm your wife.
Sandy: Good answer.

THE GAME PLAN

Sandy: Cardiobar is crawling with Newpsies! How bored are you?

Ryan: What happens on vacations? Do I stay in the poolhouse?
Sandy: No matter where you go, this will always be your home.

Sandy: Yeah, you missed my story about playing Nanki-Poo in The Mikado.

THE DISCONNECT

Julie: Sandy, I don't think I'm in favor of low income housing.
Kirsten: Julie, you live in a trailer park.
Julie: And I'm highly motivated to change my circumstances. If you make being poor too comfortable, what's the incentive to get rich? Believe me, if anyone should know.
Sandy: On that uplifting note, I'll leave you two to hash out the finer points of the free market economy.

Kirsten: Is that a pirate costume?
Seth: Summer and I are at war.
Sandy: A pirate war?
Seth: Well it turns out Brown usually takes only one student from Harbor and we both want to be it so I need a hook.
Sandy: Oh, you mean like a Captain Hook?

Kirsten: Summer going to Brown? I mean no offense...
Sandy: She did save Chrismukkah.

THE CHRISMUKKAH BAR MITZ-VAHKKAH

Sandy: I tell you, the air is crisp. It must be 70 degrees out there.

Sandy: You mark my words. This will be the best Chrismukkah ever.
Kirsten: You're beginning to sound like Seth.
Sandy: Well, that just means you'll miss him less when he's gone.

Sandy: A Bar Mitzvah? For Ryan?
Seth: Oo. It just makes me all tingly hearing you say it.
Sandy: Do you have any idea how offensive that is?

Sandy: It's a sacred religious event. A tradition that marks a Jewish child's obligation to observe the ten commandments.
Seth: I'm sorry. And that's the problem with the Jews right there. We have no concept of marketing.

Seth: That was remarkable timing, my mom right there.
Sandy: Oy, humbug.
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Sandy: That's because Ryan Atwood: you're a mensch. And after tonight I'm gonna tell you what that means.

THE SAFE HARBOR

Ryan: We need a parent advocate to address the board. Would you?
Sandy: A good cause? Poor odds? A chance to ruffle some Newpsie feathers? How could I say no?

Marissa: Thanks so much for doing this.
Ryan: It really means a lot.
Sandy: Ornery judge, captive audience, righteousness on my side. I feel right at home.

THE SISTER ACT

Sandy: Kaitlin Cooper? It must be two years since she's been back.
Kirsten: Did she mention why she's home in the middle of a semester?
Ryan: We never really got past where home was.
Sandy: Oh, Julie wants us to wait till she gets here before we tell Kaitlin.
Seth: That her family's a prime candidate for Pimp My Double-Wide.

Sandy about Veronica: We can't give into threats like that. We don't negotiate with the Newpsies.

Sandy: Do you know Veronica Townsend?
Neil: Do I know Veronica Townsend? Sandy, I know every former A-cup in this town.
Sandy:Well how would you feel about having dinner with her tonight?
Neil: You mean a date?
Sandy:Look, I know she is a bitch on wheels, but she wants to go out with you. And she's willing to make Marissa's life at Harbor very difficult if it doesn't go through.
Neil: Oh c'mon, Sandy. That's preposterous.
Sandy: I wouldn't be asking if I didn't think she'd follow through on this. Look, it's one dinner. Crowded restaurant. Meet there. Kirsten and I will pick up the tab.
Neil: How horrible can it be?
Sandy:Trust me. It'll be horrible. I owe you.

Kirsten: Sandy, there you are. I have to talk to you about Veronica Townsend and... you-know-who.
Seth: Now we have a quorum.
Sandy: What happened?
Kirsten: There are factors of which I was not aware when I had you set them up.
Seth: Wait. You set them up?
Kirsten: Veronica wanted to go on a date with Summer's dad. And she threatened to make Marissa's life hell if we didn't set them up. Neil agreed as a favor.
Sandy: Look, Neil's a smart guy. If he wants to go on a second date with her maybe he sees something in her that we don't.
Summer: Huh?
Seth: What the hockey?
Kirsten: No no no.
Sandy: No. Okay. Okay, fine. But we have to make sure that she's the one who ends it. If Neil starts to pull away, she might take it out on Marissa.
Seth: Genital warts. Is the answer.

THE POT STIRRER

Bill: Well, speaking for all of us, you two have done a great job. I only wish Caleb could have been here.
Sandy: Thanks, Bill. This project was close to his heart. He did have one, as it turns out.

Sandy: I spent a month practicing how to say "Dude."
Seth: You still say it kinda—

Kirsten: I just know that when you wooed me, there was no caviar and champagne, and you did alright.
Sandy: I should take Bill Merriam out for pizza and bad wine in the back of a mail truck.
Kirsten: I mean show him who you are beyond schedules and budgets. And who knows, maybe he loves pizza.

Sandy: I balked at taking him out to dinner, but I'm totally cool about turning your apartment into a Playboy grotto.

THE CLIFF HANGER

Sandy: How about this? How about we find a strategy that doesn't involve liquor or sexual favors?

Sandy: Who would have thought the Newport Group would be where I go for to a moment of Zen?
Kirsten: You know, sometimes this job makes you do a lot of hard thinking.
Sandy: I want this hospital more than I've wanted anything in a long time.
Kirsten: Then you can't let Matt's relationship with Maya Griffin stand in your way. FOr all you know, she could be using him too. Or they could live happily ever after. The point is, if you want this as bad as I think you do, you have to go for it.
Sandy: So where is the line?
Kirsten: I'm not worried about you knowing where the line is. You always do. It's who you are.

THE HEAVY LIFTING

Sandy: Who knew women's panties were such a minefield.
Seth: Don't say panties.

THE JOURNEY

Kirsten: Ryan, I forgot to ask. Do you have any request for your birthday on Sunday?
Seth: Sunday's your birthday?
Ryan: Thanks buddy.
Sandy: Not just any birthday. Ryan's turning 18. Becoming a fully franchised citizen of this great democratic experiment we call America.
Seth: Yes, we all know you went to law school. The important thing is we need a party.

Sandy: As of today we may no longer be your legal guardians, but you will always be part of this family.

Ryan: Hey, guys. There's somebody I'd like you to meet, Sadie. Sadie this is Sandy and Kirsten.
Sandy: Any friend of Ryan's... and it is so nice to know he has at least one here.

THE UNDERTOW

Seth: Ugh. Get a room.
Sandy: Hey, count your blessings. Kids with affectionate parents grow up to be better adjusted sexually as adults.
Seth: I know. I meant get a room. My room. And do it in front of me.
Which totally sounded like a Brody ad lib to me.

THE SECRETS AND LIES

Kirsten: Hey handsome men!
Seth and Sandy: Where?
Seth: Ah, I just made the same joke as my dad. That's a bad sign.
Sandy: Your father happens to be hilarious. It's just hard to tell these days.

THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW

Sandy: If you haven't resigned within 48 hours I will do everything in my power to take you down. And I was lying. Your forehand sucks!

THE DAWN PATROL

Sandy: You'd think after sending two kids to Harbor they could cough up more than two tickets per student.
Kirsten: He's just worried about The Nana.
Sandy: She is an excellent clapper.
Kirsten: She can do the two-finger whistle.
Seth: And she's never taken a picture out of focus.

Sandy to Matt: You're talking blackmail, it's not even noon yet.

THE COLLEGE TRY

Sandy: You told him?
Kirsten: I didn't think Ryan would come home.
Sandy: Oh, you know Ryan better than that.
Kirsten: It just happened. You weren't there. You had to take a business call.
Sandy: Oh, so you told Ryan about Theresa to punish me.

THE PARTY FAVOR

Kirsten: When are we gonna talk about us?
Sandy: In public again, or were you thinking about something a little more private this time?
Kirsten: I'm sorry I attacked you. But it at least got you to listen.

THE MAN OF THE YEAR

Sandy: They're calling the hospital phase one of Orange County's renaissance. They think it could be a model for responsible development for the entire country.

Kirsten: Responsible for development? Sandy, the only thing that's responsible for is a lot of sleepless nights and Matt Ramsey's black eye. You know my father was Man of the Year.
Sandy: The irony is not lost on me, believe me.

Summer: Oh my god. Mr. C. you totally scared me.
Sandy: Sometimes I scare myself, Summer.

Sandy: Honey, I promise you I'll do everything in my power not to let this land on the family.
Kirsten: It already has.

Summer: He told me that he wasn't going to Brown. And then I saw him there with Anna.
Sandy: He said he wasn't going to Brown?
Summer: Well yeah, because he didn't get in. But that was before RISTY.
Sandy: What do you mean, he didn't get in?
Summer: I thought he only lied about it to me.

Sandy: I want to talk to you.
Seth: Good. I want to talk to you.
Sandy: I love you, and I'm worried about you.
Seth: Right back atcha.
Sandy: You snoked pot in our home.
Seth: Would you rather I do it somewhere else? Like my college dorm?
Sandy: That would require you getting into college.
Seth: Do you think it's such a great idea me going away to college when mom's been drinking again?
Sandy: What are you talking about?
Seth: Maybe if you paid attention to anything other than that stupid hospital you'd notice mom's been out before dinner.
Sandy: Don't talk to your father like that.
Seth: That would require you to act like my father.

Copper: Who are you, his lawyer?
Sandy: I'm his father.

THE GRADUATES

Sandy: Well, we both screwed up.
Seth: We're both usually so awesome.

Sandy: I know the last few years have been a roller coaster. There's been tragedy and comedy and first loves, broken hearts, family members we've lost and found. It hasn't all been perfect, but we're all a family here. So cheers.

Jason Spitz: Look, if you came to haggle me on the Ramirez plea, forget about it. I'm up to my ass in unhappy ADAs.
Sandy: No, I'm just passing through.
Jason Spitz: What, you've come to admire the wainscoting?
Sandy: This is my old office.
Jason Spitz: You're Sandy Cohen?
Sandy: My reputation precedes me?
Jason Spitz: Well, self-righteous, arrogant and a little nutso?
Sandy: I see that it does.
Jason Spitz: Jason Spitz.
Sandy: Nice to meet you.
Jason Spitz: Nice to meet you. You're a legend. Not to mention I heard about your post-victory karaoke bar performances.
Sandy: Defend the poor, sing the classics. I had a reputation and a routine.

THE AVENGERS

Seth: Table set for four. Still feels kind of weird.
Sandy: Well things have been a little weird around here lately. Tonight might not be any different. We shouldn't be expecting any miracles.
Seth: No zippy one-liners.
Kirsten: Not a lot of smiles.
Sandy: Few grunts. Occasional shrug.
Seth: Yeah, it'll be just like old times.
Sandy: And I'm looking forward to it.

Sandy: Ryan, it's Sandy again. The microwave still works if you feel like dropping by. And even if you don't, please call, huh? Let us know you're okay.
Kirsten: Should we call the police? Hospitals?
Seth: No, mom, He's fine. Well he's not fine, but he's not coming.
Kirsten: Well even if Ryan didn't want to come, Ryan would have called. Ryan always calls.

Sandy: You don't have to talk. You don't have to listen.
Kirsten: All you have to do is watch.

Sandy: Thanks for taking the time. Letting us make fools of ourselves. Meant a lot to Seth. And Kirsten. Not so much to me. I'm no softie.
Ryan: No.
Sandy: You should probably get goin'. You're late.
Ryan: Hope they don't fire me.
Sandy: I bet they got great benefits. Good dental. The accomodations.
Ryan: Yeah... uh... actually, about that, I... if I ever wanted to, you know, once in awhile, the poolhouse is probably filled with boxes, right?
Sandy: It's exactly the way you left it. Little too empty, if you ask me.

Sandy: You know, at the risk of saying too much, being there with her when it happened... You're never going to get over it, but you'll get used to it. Just let yourself feel what you need to feel, even if it hurts.
Ryan: Yeah, it's not a good time, okay?
Sandy: Okay. I'm going to shut up now.

THE GRINGOS

Taylor shocked: When was the last time you shaved your legs? It's like a forest. more shocked Oh my god, your toenails!
Summer: Yeah, I don't do that stuff anymore.
Taylor: Obviously. You've got hobbit feet.

Sandy: You know what I think this is?
Kirsten: A coded message.
Sandy: Nothing. Probably the name of a band. Seth wrote it on a paper and put it in his pocket. Relax, sweetheart. phone rings Hello.
Seth: Dad, it's me. Did you get my note? I had to write it in code in case Ryan found it.
Sandy: Right. The note.

Sandy: Are we crazy coming here?
Kirsten: Driving all night to a foreign country where neither of us speak the language and we only have a vague notion of where they are? Yeah. That's a little crazy.
Sandy: How much longer do we keep doing this—rescuing them every time they're in trouble?
Kirsten: I don't know. But for now, I think that's our job.

Ryan: Seth set me up, didn't he?
Kirsten: He called. He was worried.
Sandy: C'mon, let's go home.
Ryan: Why? So we can pretend like everything's the way it used to be?
Sandy: We all miss her. It's never going to be like the way it used to be. But we are still a family.
Ryan: You don't understand—he's here.
Seth walking in: No. He's gone.

Sandy about Seth's tattoo: You know it does have a certain—
Seth: Gay vibe. You were gonna say gay vibe.

THE COLD TURKEY

Sandy comforting Kirsten: It's Thanksgiving. You just watch, this family's going to come together for the holidays. It's what we Cohens do.

Volchok: Thanks for coming. To be honest with you, I didn't know where else to go. I hitched a ride into town. Slept on the beach last night—
Sandy: I'm not your friend. I'm oyur lawyer. And I'll help you get through this. But the less you talk, the better. Alright?

Sandy: Summer! How're you doing?
Summer: Better than the 2.8 billion people living below the poverty line. Are you okay with that statistic, Mr. Cohen? I don't think so. That's why I have to go.
Sandy: Who knew out of all you kids she'd turn out to be the young Sandy Cohen.
Seth: Had to rub off on someone.

Sandy: Julie.
Julie: I thought you weren't speaking to me.
Sandy: I'm not calling to make peace. I'm looking for Ryan.
Julie: Ryan? You told me to stay away from him, remember?
Sandy: Oh c'mon. He called you as soon as he found out I had Volchok in custody.
Julie stunned: Volchok is in custody?
Sandy: So you really idn't know, huh?
Julie: No, no I didn't.
Sandy: He turned himself in this morning. I already spoke to the DA and it should be a done deal by tonight.
Julie: So it's really over.
Sandy: I sure as hell hope so. Julie hangs up the phone. Julie? Julie?

Sandy: Hey! Didn't I defendant you a couple years ago for a B&E?
Daryl: Yeah. Now I remember. I called you Crazy Eyebrow Man.
Sandy: Well. I'll take that as a compliment.

Julie: Hi.
Sandy: Julie, whatever it is, it'll have to wait. We're having Thanksgiving.
Julie: I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry.
Sandy: I don't think I've ever heard you say that before.
Julie: I don't think I've ever meant it.

THE METAMORPHOSIS

Sandy: You know, Jimmy left, Caleb died, then Jimmy left again. Even Neil's gone. Look, I wasn't a pennant winner but at least I had a bullpen, you know. That's baseball talk.
Kirsten: Got it.

Sandy's cellphone goes off as Spitz is taking a swing
Sandy: I'm so sorry, man. I'm so sorry. It's the office. I'm turning it off.
Jason: I think I hit your car anyway.

Sandy: Hey honey.
Kirsten: How's it going?
Sandy: Great. Spitz just told me a story about how his kids walked in on him and his wife when they were playing Strip Scrabble.

THE SUMMER BUMMER

Sandy: So Kirsten told me she came in yesterday and applied for the role of substitute Seth.
Ryan: Yeah, she may have.
Sandy: Well you know, if anyone's qualified I'm tihnking it's me and the only reason you didn't ask me is because no interview is necessary.

Sandy: Listen, if there's anything else I can do for you I'm gonna be in my room reading comics and listening to indie rock.
Ryan: Sounds good. Seth.

Bullit: I know the Jews are good with numbers and lending stuff—
Sandy: Now there's a stereotype that's not even remotely offensive.

THE CHRISMUKK-HUH?

Sandy: An alternate universe?
Seth: It's the only obvious explanation.
Sandy: Obvious might not be the word I would use.
Seth: They both got knocked out at the same time and neither is waking up.
Sandy: Like Dorothy in Oz.
Seth: And just like Dorothy had to go see the Wizard, they've got some mission they have to accomplish before they can return.
Sandy: Like what?
Seth: Ah, anything. Could be like our world, only messed up. They've got to reset the balance. Could be a world ruled by giant vegetables and they've got to topple the vegetable despot so they can come back.
Sandy: You had me 'til vegetable despot.

MY TWO DADS

Sandy: So you're Ryan's father?
Frank: That's funny. I was just going to say the same thing to you.

Ryan: No shrimp tacos today. We got fish. You like tilapia?
Sandy: I love tilapia.

Ryan: You talked to him today?
Sandy: We met, yeah.
Ryan: I always knew one day he'd be out.
Sandy: He's out.
Ryan: Yeah. Weird. And I know I'm supposed to have a lot of questions but... it's like my dad's from another life it's so far in the past.
Sandy: If that's how you want to keep it, it's fine with me.
Ryan: No speech about the importance of family?
Sandy: You're my family. What's important to me is you.
Ryan: I don't want to see him. Maybe later, not now.
Sandy: Then that's what I'll tell him.

Kirsten: I appreciate you being cautious, but this seems personal.
Sandy: It is personal. Ryan is our son. Because Frank turned his back on his family. He has hurt Ryan before. I'm not going to let him do it again.

Kirsten: Sandy, what is going on?
Sandy: Well the good news is Frank Atwood is going to outlive us all. The bad news: my hand is killing me.
Taylor: I'll go get some ice.

Seth: What are we watching?
Sandy: Well, it's about meerkats.
Seth: Meerkats. Why are we watching it?
Kirsten: Because I wanted to.
Sandy: And we don't want to get your mother angry. You haven't seen her right-cross.
Ryan: Yeah. Your dad's is pretty good though.
Seth: Well that makes sense. He was in a gang.
Kirsten: Don't remind me.
Seth: The Jets, is what I've heard.
Sandy: We robbed from the poor and gave to the poor.

THE NIGHT MOVES

Sandy: The good news is we've got everything we need here. We've got shelter, we've got food, we've got water. We've got fine literature, chips and salsa.

Sandy: Excuse me, doctor. My wife would never complain. She would never put her needs in front of anybody else's, but I am not that proud. I am not that selfless. I am begging you please please give her and our baby priority.
Doctor: I'd like to help really, but—
Richard White: You can have my spot.
Overhead Page: Richard White.
Richard: That's me. Go.
Sandy: Thank you.

THE END'S NOT NEAR, IT'S HERE

Six months later...

Ryan: We've all had to make adjustments since the earthquake.
Kirsten: Especially Kaitlin. [With] the entire Cohen family taking refuge here.
Kaitlin: It's been nice. I mean, I've perfected my Sandy Cohen. Listen to this: "I shmeared it for ya."
Sandy: Well, you know... not bad. I am very sexy.

Ryan: Nice view. Infinity pool.
Sandy: Yeah, but no pool house.
Ryan: Yes. Well, six bedrooms. I think there's room for everyone.

Sandy: I know you don't like to leave your lair, but the inspector's coming to the house today. I think everybody should be there.
Seth: This chair is my home now.

Sandy: Is there any chance we could see the kitchen? Just to see if the Seth Cohen growth chart is still notched in the wall?
Patrick: It isn't. We thought it was termites.

Sandy: Sophie Rose Cohen. It's got a nice ring to it.

Seth: If I look as good as you in 20 years I'll be a happy man.
Sandy to Seth: Well thanks, but I'd like to see you happy now. For the last couple of months you've landed in a rut. At least a La-Z-Boy.

Seth: I'm not so sure that being with Summer is bringing out the best in either one of us right now. But I'm afraid to let her go, so...
Sandy: Well, things have a way of coming back around.

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