planetclaire.org | rants

2008-06-25T19:09:00.002-05:00

Random thing #42 that Ramona will eat: Imitation Crab

About a week ago I was up around 6 am (my sleep schedule is bordering on the wacky as of late) and saw a huge bug skitter across my livingroom floor. Huuuuuuuuge. And moving at a high rate of speed.

It disappeared before I could throw something at it, so I decided I would attempt to flush it out of whatever hiding place it had co-opted.

So here's me at 6 am standing on top of a desk chair, randomly shaking/flailing at pieces of furniture, peering at the floor trying to spy any movement. If I have any nosy neighbors I'm sure they have long since decided I'm batshit insane.

Anyway, my well-thought out technique having failed, I have been wearing shoes around my apartment ever since, out of fear that some steroid-enhanced millipede will attack my foot. I don't have many bugs in my apartment but when they do show up I do not react well.

Fast forward to today: I pulled back my shower curtain all ready to hop into the shower and BAM! There it was, just staring at me. Ack!

So I ran into my room, grabbed the largest and most dispensable book I could find (How to Start a Small Business in Minnesota, for those that care to know) and scurried back into the bathroom. Too much of a scaredy-cat to actually get in there and smack the giant, I hefted the book at it, which succeeded in winging it and ripping off a bunch of legs.

So now I had a moving body and like ten decapitated sections of bug legs all skittering around my tub. Wonderful. But this time there was no going back, so I snatched the book out of the tub and proceeded to beat the hell out of the thing.

Not satisfied with that (it was still moving) I turned on the water full blast and drowned the thing which eventually gt washed down the drain.

And yet my relief was short lived, as I had this vision of it crawling back up the drain and into the tub again. Or worse! Finding the pipe for the sink. So I turned on those taps as well, and then—for good measure—the kitchen sink. I let them run for a few minutes before finally turning them off and then checking every little bit to make sure it hadn't crawled back up again.

And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is how to thoroughly and definitively overact to one small bug.

2008-06-18T05:10:00.002-05:00

I'm in the middle of a design/build right now and, as such, not much for words. Or rants, as it were. But some notes from the planet:

1. I am up rather early this morning. The reason? Yesterday I decided to try a different technique with the site I'm building. Never having used it before there was a bit of a learning curve, so I went to bed with a few tweaks still remaining. And proceeded to dream about them all night. Which happens when I get something stuck in my head.

So I got up around 4 am, trudged out to my computer and fixed the remaining problems and proceeded to pull a few other intuitive leaps of logic out of nowhere.

Which is proof that I am still occasionally brilliant.

2. (and I hope I'll be forgiven for talking about her) I have now chatted with Vancouver Planet Claire. Whose emails, as you may recall, I was receiving. And this comes only a week after I corresponded with another Planet Claire. How awesome is that? And now I don't have to feel guilty about getting emails meant for her anymore. I think we should start some sort of Guild or (as Vancouver Planet Claire suggested) a League of Super Heroes.

3. I'm going to a networking thing tonight in Uptown. Which is awesome, except for the fact that I suck at them. I'm just not a very naturally outgoing person. So I fear that I'll spend the whole thing hiding at a corner table. Or under a corner table.

2008-06-13T16:25:00.002-05:00

Ah... not fair. I liked Tim Russert.

Who, incidentally, showed up briefly on Homicide years ago as Megan Russert's cousin.

2008-06-05T22:06:00.004-05:00

You know, I don't often condone violence.

At least not unless it's funny.

But tonight I was watching Bush's War on Frontline and I got the overwhelming urge to stomp on the current administration's foot. Not too hard. Just hard enough for an "Ow! What'd you do that for?"

Oh I think you know what you did.

2008-06-05T00:14:00.001-05:00

I can't believe this little planet is eight years old today.

I actually registered it about a year or so after I graduated from college because I didn't want to have a work address used for personal correspondence (see the cautionary tale Things Not to Do With Your Work Email), but I also knew my school email address would expire in a few months. Do they still do that? If you graduate does your email address eventually disappear? Or are they less strict in this day and age?

So I grabbed this domain (the .com was taken). Strangely enough, at the time I registered it there weren't many planet claires out there. Now you do a search and they're everywhere.

I won't swear to it, but I think at the time my partner-in-crime was listening to a lot of B-52s and I decided to go with the name based on that. But I might be totally wrong. Eight years is a long damn time ago.

So there. Happy Birthday to Planet Claire. I'm off to go put birthday hats on Norman and Ramona.

Holy crap. You know I never even realized that Ramona is an anagram of Norman (give or take an A). And I named neither of them. How weird is that? Both that I utterly failed to notice it sooner and that it was a complete randomstance.

I'm a little spooked.

2008-06-02T22:28:00.002-05:00

More and more often these days, as it gets dark out, little black shapes... or bugs, or some other unearthly forms have started flitting around my apartment, just out of my field of vision. I know they're there! But when I turn to catch them they're suddenly gone! I'm starting to go crazy because I just can't catch them. And they're skulking in the corners of my apartment, mocking me constantly. I'm starting to sleep with all the lights on, if I sleep at all.

Actually, I just really need to replace my contacts and/or clean them better every night. Or at the very least not sleep with them in.

In unrelated news, it is Birthday Week at Planet Claire. I'm not throwing a party (as my mom sarcastically suggested) but I am updating some spots around here that have been languishing in obscurity. And I found some previous index pages from the site. Some of my old slogans:

"Yet another entirely pointless website in a sea of entirely pointless sites lurking online" (the very first)

"The logical alternative to a bowflex infomercial" (christened by a long-absent early rant reader)

"A web site that illustrates my huge need for validation" (I added the "may or may not" a little later)

although "In Retrograde since 2000" is currently the only one appearing on t-shirts.

2008-05-24T15:41:00.003-05:00

So I am attempting to post by sending an email. We'll see how far that goes.

Anyway. Happy Memorial Day Weekend. I am spending my time split between working and family stuff (out-of-town-family stuff). However I'm not having much luck so far.

First, I went out to see what was available for FireWire drives for a client of mine who needs one and the only successful part of that mission netted me underwear.

For some reason this has happened more than once: go shopping for computer stuff, come home with underwear. It's quite odd, really.

Then I came home and tried to work but was so sleepy I took a nap instead. Ramona joined me, of course. Because for a cat, any time is a good time to nap really.

So now I'm up again and writing this instead of working. I'll eventually get something done.

A few tidbits:

1. I was in line at the store and this woman in front of me (actually she was maybe 22) had this box with her that she had apparently received in the mail. I was about to go find another place to pay for my goods because that box signals all sorts of lengthy explanations, discussions and calls to managers. But I stayed put.

Turns out, the woman had bought a pair of Crocs (Dumbest. Shoes. Ever.) and wanted to return them. Which wasn't a big deal until I eavesdropped enough to realize that she had bought them from the Crocs online store and was trying to return them at Macy's.

On what planet does that make any damn sense? Certainly not mine. Because most companies aren't going to say "What? You spent actual money someplace else and now want to give us what you bought from them and get money from us? Sure! How about a complimentary pedicure while you wait?"

The crazier thing was that the salesperson wasn't sure what to do and did have to call a manager to check if she could take back the shoes. Further proof of my theory that most people working in retail are taught not to think for themselves.

2. I was in the car with some relatives a few weeks ago--consisting of my mom, my aunt and uncle, and two younger cousins (aged 5 and 11). We were discussing where to go for lunch. The five year old thought KFC would be a good idea (since they got it as a treat sometimes when they were on vacation). The eleven year old, testing his boundaries and parents' patience, suggested we go to Hooters.

His dad chimed in first, and said that they wouldn't be going to Hooters anytime soon and that if he was trying to be funny it certainly wasn't the appropriate place for it (what with us in the car). His mother was just dead silent, and I couldn't tell if she was really angry about this stunt or embarrassed or both.

After a few moments of awkward silence, she turned to her son, smiled and said, "Let's compromise on this, honey. We'll go to KFC for lunch. And every ten minutes or so I'll lift up my top."

2008-05-14T23:39:00.003-05:00

Aw. Now I'm getting notices from Gmail that I have requested my password be reset. Legitimate, non-phishing ones. One of my planetclaires must be trying to figure out why they can't login to my email account.

Because it's mine’s, bishes.

I think my planet has a birthday coming up. Hang on, lemme check. Just play the Jeopardy! waiting music in your head momentarily. I'll be back...

June 5th. Planet Claire will eight years young on June 5th. I'm not sure what that is in planet years. But I'll have to throw some sort of party. If someone wants to get me something, there's that whole SUPPORT section on the site. Just sayin'. I mean, running a planet ain't cheap.

I'm still waiting for my Economic Stimulus Check, so that may go toward keepng this planet in orbit. Although I really think this check would be more aptly named the "Stave Off Foreclosure and/or Creditors" Check. Because it seems like that's the point where a lot of people in this country are. This money will be going to groceries and gas and rent, not toward an impromptu spending spree at Walmart.

Well hopefully not anyway. And not just because Walmart exists on one of Dante's circles of Hell.

I did however receive another check this week. A momentous check if you will. It was my 401k which is being taken away from the clutches of the psychopaths I worked for and placed in much more capable hands (i.e. not mine. I'm no good with money).

The slightly ironic part of the whole thing: starting right after I quit, every four to six months I would receive a phone call or email from someone at my old office asking for my home address. An address which, mind you, has not changed since before I quit. So they were apparently incapable of either tracking down my address in the database (a database I helped design, mind you, so I know it was in there and easily accessible). Furthermore, they were absolutely baffled as to how to keep that information on file in HR (a department I helped organize, mind you, so I know exactly where it should have been recorded and easily accessible).

At a certain point I believe I told them I had every confidence they could find it themselves if they would only take a moment to pull their finger out of their collective ass. I should have anyway. Talk about Dante's circles of Hell. They're wandering somewhere around the eighth.

Anyway, the same day I got this check that officially severed the last remaining link to that hellhole, I also received a letter informing me that they had entered my address into their database.

Thanks! Thanks ever so much!

But I am done with them forever. I leave them to their avarice and greed. I hope it serves them well when they are alone in their old age.

2008-05-10T23:43:00.004-05:00

Well my lack of sleep finally caught up with me, smacked me on the back of the head, swore a few times (rather rudely I thought) and put me on a time out this afternoon. So today instead of working all afternoon I slept. It was a rather rainy day so it was a good time for it.

And since I promised my dear mother that I would not work at all on Mother's Day, this weekend I am officially off.

My brain must have thought this was a lovely idea as it has apparently gone on holiday as well. Hopefully it's someplace warm. And is planning on making it back by Monday.

So every once in awhile I wander around and see how my little planet is doing out in the world. And once in awhile I check the wildly inaccurate (for sites as small as mine) Alexa. And every time I do I am offered this awesome!! tee shirt illustrating just how small my site is. Who wants to wear a shirt that says "My site is beloved by almost no one! You should visit!'. I'm not paying for that sort of abuse.

But being that my brain is elsewhere at the moment I decided to explore the whole "tee shirt" idea a little further. Turns out you can customize them a little bit. Change a font, color, add text, etc. So here's my next purchase:

I like it. And am almost tempted to order it just to see if it would go through or be flagged or something.

Almost.

Happy Mother's Day.

And Happy 150th Birthday to my adopted home state. It doesn't look a day over 120.

2008-05-02T21:33:00.002-05:00

The plot. It thickens.

Awhile back I made mention of my poor gmail account and how I was getting emails intended for some chick in Vancouver. You recall this? Yes?

Anyway, now it appears as though I am actually receiving emails intended for two entirely different Claires. And if I wasn't feeling guilty before... woo boy. To top it off, Vancouver Claire (the other appears to be Amsterdam Claire) is submitting forms to credit card companies inquiring about her account and using my gmail address as the reply-to address.

'The hell's the etiquette on that? "Pardon me, but you seem to have emailed me confidential information regarding your credit card. Could you... not? Thanks!" Well that would only work if I knew her actual email address I suppose. So sort of a flawed plan anyway.

Off to make some credit card purchases...

2008-04-27T08:12:00.003-05:00

For the past... what? Week? I have been putting in 12 hour days on a website build for a) a musician client of mine and b) my own site. Well several of my own. I redesigned the Frank Lloyd Wright section on this site one morning when I couldn't get back to sleep. It was looking a little dated.

So I'm sort of burnt out. Although it's 8 am and all I can think of is starting work again to get things up before tomorrow. Oh well. That's neither here nor there.

You know what else is neither here nor there? This bumper sticker I saw the other day: "America: Love It or Saddle Up"

Which I don't quite get. Are those that dislike America supposed to form some sort of Equestrian militia? Because I really don't think that's helping anybody.

2008-04-14T15:08:00.003-05:00

Okay, I have a dilemma. Well I have like eight at the moment. But this is the weirdest and least stressful one. So I'm putting this out there. Because I don't know what to do.

Here's the deal:

I woke up this morning and had a new text message on my phone. Didn't recognize the number or even the area code, but I thought it was perhaps a grumpy creditor or something. So I opened it.

To find a picture of male genitalia.

After the initial surprise and bemusement wore off, I thought about it for a minute (not the picture, mind you—that put me off eating for a few hours). I was initially inclined to delete it and chalk it up to a wrong number (it came in at 2 AM). Then I was inclined to mock it. But that would be too easy.

I checked out the number online (who the hell is daft enough to send pictures of their junk from an unblocked number?) and it appears to be an Iowa area code (although it may be a phone residing in Fairmont, MN depending on where you look).

So what to do? I don't feel like it's illegal because I'm over 18. And I don't feel like calling the number (or responding) in case it's some scam I'm not currently aware of. But I do feel like there must be consequences. Either for their stupidity or their douchebaggery. Whichever is more appropriate.

I have the phone number. I have the picture. But I don't have any good ideas. Thoughts, anyone?

2008-04-06T19:34:00.001-05:00

So maybe a month or so ago I noticed that Ramona's water was getting really dirty really often. I found myself changing out her water ten times a day. Obviously Ramona was doing something to get her water dirty. Obviously.

But what?

At first I assumed she was smacking her paw into the water and that was causing it. But for some reason that didn't add up. Because I didn't think it accounted for exactly how dirty it was getting.

But Ramona is a cagey little thing, and every time I'd go into the kitchen to see what she was doing she'd already be on her way out, clearly aware that I was trying to sneak up on her.

So I bided my time, changed her water, and formulated a plan.

Which basically was me trying to go all stealth mode—camera phone in hand—and sneak into the kitchen when Ramona was in there. And it took a couple of tries but I totally caught her.

She just sits in the kitchen with her paw in the dish. Just sits there, not a care in the world. With a wet paw. And I mean sits. Comfy as can be.

No wonder my floors have cat prints all over them.

Ah well. She's an odd one. And getting up there in years.

In related news, I've had to pay attention to my car gauge dealies lately because the temp gauge keeps threatening to wander into the red. It does this periodically. And every time I take it in and mention it they don't seem to believe me. Because there is nothing wrong when I take it in.

But that's neither here nor there. Point being, I noticed that my sweet little car was about to reach 70,000 miles.

So I had to document it.

And when I took the picture my temp gauge was in the red, but if you look at the picture, it looks like it's fine. That's how tricky my car is!

Ah, that's a lie.

2008-04-01T02:20:00.003-05:00

My lack of creativity and general malaise prevents me from coming up with a decent April Fools Day gag.

Not to mention that I gave it a half-hearted attempt last year and the universe got the bigger laugh when I wound up gravely ill and in the hospital for an extended stay, unable to post that I was merely joking.

Damn you, Universe Irony!

Or maybe that's not irony. Whatever. It wasn't very funny.

So I am at least alive. That's awesome.

So is the irony mark (that image in the upper left corner). I had no idea they came up with a mark for irony a few years ago. I like it.

2008-03-25T19:11:00.004-05:00

I would be... remiss. If I did not mention that today is the release date for the B-52s new album, Funplex.

How awesome is that?

I thought I would throw up a song to celebrate. So here you go—Foo Fighters with Fred Schneider doing that ol' chestnut, Planet Claire...

And while you're listening, pop on over to Free Rice and test your vocabulary.

2008-03-23T20:50:00.004-05:00

So don't mock me for it, but I've been watching The Big Give. Despite not really caring for Oprah that much.

Random story: I actually got screamed at once by an acquaintance who watched Oprah and decided that her sofa-style psychology snippets were life changing and that I was a negative person in her life who needed to be cut out.

Dude, screamed at. And trust me when I tell you that the offending event was weirdly minor.

Woo! Tangent.

Anyway, smack dab in the middle of the episode? JOE SCHILLACI. They didn't even mention him by name. Just boom: Joe. And just for a minute. But I totally yelled at my TV when he showed up.

He is one of the many many many reasons to watch The First 48.

2008-03-22T23:15:00.002-05:00

I was thinking today that I needed a new email address and figured I would get one that commemorates my favorite little unincorporated town: Port Wing.

Some people buy shoes. I buy domain names.

Anyway, this might be my favorite.

I was going through my mementos tonight to find photos of Port Wing (I have a bunch of my cabin) and found all sorts of stuff I forgot I had. In my youth, for some unknown reason, I was the inspiration for art, poetry and newspaper articles.

No, seriously.

But larger than that, I came across cards and notes from long-lost friends. It's hard to realize that there are people out there that are lost to you that you thought you'd know forever.

I miss them all terribly. And hope they're doing well. All of them.

2008-03-20T23:37:00.005-05:00

Well I finally got around to watching American Idol Destroys the Beatles Part Deux. And had to rewind it about eight times to figure out what Michael was singing when he fucked up the lyrics to A Day in the Life. I'm still not entirely sure.

But there was definitely a high point in musical choices this evening: Robert Plant and Alison Krauss singing Killing the Blues. Even if it was a commercial for jeans or something. Other than that? Nothing. But. Fail.

Oh well. I am all alone this weekend. Friends, family, business partner and wellwishers are all out of town. Which is good and bad. At the very least, I expect people to bring me back gifts.

2008-03-13T02:11:00.009-05:00

After Tuesday's Lennon/McCartney night on American Idol (an evening of butchery on such a cataclysmic scale I now mark it as a sure sign of the apocalypse) I thought I would avoid it tonight by fastforwarding through the repeat performances. And my ears were safe until I happened upon a disheartening thing—the butchering of a Cake song. Not, to be clear, anywhere near as disheartening as the previous evening. Not one of my favorite Cake songs. But still just annoying all the same. Stick to ELO and Whitney covers.

Whatever. I should stop watching. The contestants are such throwaways with zero emotional range they all blend into a light tan ball of hair product and glitter. And Paula seems relatively sober this season, so Spot-the-Slurring is no longer fun.

Speaking of tattoos, the ever-lovely Saint Starlet has gotten one. Personally, I think it's a little dark. And if I were her I'd want to keep my past misdeeds in the past. But I suppose it was either that or one of those teardrops in the corner of the eye.

Fun Fact: If you look closely at the area about an inch above her new tattoo, you can faintly see the tattoo she got removed. Which, strangely enough, used to say "Hugger".

In honor of her new tat, I have a song just for her:

Random Story: I had an ex-boss who would always try and throw slang into everyday conversation. Just to show that he was hip like that. But he was anything but hip and any attempt at it would just be full of fail. The man just was incapable of not being lame. From his wardrobe to his car to his life. It would almost be sad if it wasn't so damn funny. Anyway, whenever he would talk about tattoos, he'd always call them "toos". Like, "That guy had a really awesome 'too." And he'd pronounce it like "woooo".

I would say it sounded rather gay when he said it, but no self-respecting gay man would ever sound that lame.

So as my old boss would say, "Slammin' 'toooo, Y!"

2008-03-06T17:06:00.003-06:00

As much as I adore my web hosting company, their spam filter... not so great. Or perhaps it could be, but it tends to block emails that are legitimate so I don't really use it. And because of this I get a ton of spam every day to sort through.

And I can't help but notice the natural ebb and flow of spam. It's like the tides of the seas...

No, there is one. A certain style of subject will become really popular for a few days or weeks and then gradually disappear, never to be received again. I have no idea why this is. Maybe that specific spammer was taken out and shot for crimes against humanity. It's entirely plausible.

But to me the most amusing spam ebb and flow is that of male enhancement.In the last few months in particular it went from photos of pills to sex-ay bedroom shots of couples to full-on before-and-after genitalia.

But the latest one has left me the most amused—a rather crude drawing of the now ubiquitous before-and-after shot.

It just cracks me up to imagine some guy thinking, "Geez, my spam messages seem stale and lifeless lately. What should I add? Wait, I'll draw something!"

I mean pictures are easy enough to grab off of the internet. But to take the time to sit down and draw this little gem takes some planning. Did he do some rough sketches before the final piece? Some studies? Was there a model involved? And did he (as the quality would suggest) use MacPaint?

2008-03-02T14:22:00.006-06:00

So for the past few weeks I'd been noticing that there was some sort of... I don't know, clicking? Lifting? Flicking?

Problem. With the left side of my laptop case. I thought maybe something wasn't quite tight and I was hitting a lip of the case with my palm and it was coming away from the edge slightly or something.

Something indeed. A slice of the case cracked off today. It didn't come off completely, and I taped it down. But I'm pissed. I have never had a problem with a Mac laptop case before. Not only that, but according to my preliminary research this is a common happenstance. Which just serves to remind me how far Apple quality has fallen.

What happened to you, Apple? You used to be cool.

2008-02-29T00:44:00.003-06:00

A few thoughts for the day:

1. Ever had a nightmare that was so scary that you forced yourself to wake up? I do it every once in awhile. Except because I'm forcing myself to wake up my brain has trouble adjusting and I'm in this weird limbo between REM sleep and waking so it's all fucked up.

Anyway. Last night I had a similar experience. Except my dream was so incredibly boring I had to force myself to wake up. It was that dull.

2. I went over to a friend's house last Saturday for dinner and DVDs and he had rented the fourth and fifth season of Trailer Park Boys. He wasn't sure if I like it or not, but now that he knows I do, he's been sending me pictures of Bubbles. Heh.

3. I am loving working from home full-time again. Although I loudly fire myself on a daily basis, just because I miss the screaming matches I've had to endure for two out of two of my jobs. My neighbors look at me weird.

2008-02-24T19:30:00.002-06:00

I've been working all week and weekend like a maniac trying to get a few projects neatly wrapped up in a pretty bow by the end of the month. But tonight I finally decided to call it a day and watch The Simpsons instead.

NASCAR. Friggin' NASCAR over The Simpsons. What a stupid sport. I actually read a study once that found an actual correlation between the declining sense of values and good manners in America and the increase in popularity of NASCAR. It was a really interesting article, actually.

Oh, that's a lie. But I still think it's a stupid sport.

2008-02-17T19:07:00.001-06:00

I got this from a cousin today.

2008-02-17T12:32:00.004-06:00

A few thoughts before I start my day:

1. Contacts are just a weird thing. Sticking flimsy pieces of... what, plastic? Some sort of odd material. Anyway it's completely weird that sticking teeny circles of whatever into my eyes makes me see better.

2. Ramona's getting old. I'm not sure I appreciated that fact until today when she seemed to have trouble getting up. I will completely lose my shit when she dies. I lie quite frequently when someone asks about her: "Whatever, she's just a cat." Truth is, I am completely devoted to her. You don't spoon feed a cat for 4 weeks without developing some kind of emotional attachment.

3. John Barrowman is not supposed to exist. That level of attractive is just wrong. He is currently the only person to have two pages devoted to him on my site (for Doctor Who and Torchwood). He is just so damn pretty.

4. I don't really have a four, but I'm going off the grid for the day. But in other news, I'm considering a visit to California to see an old boss.