Steven Karp (Jay Baruchel): The point is I'm tall, and handsome. And I've gained weight. And I've like finally got a fashion sense. Man, it's like the beginning of a whole new era.
Jack: A new era? You're the same guy. You think you're cool 'cause you grew like a freak and got a haircut?
Steven: I'm the same guy? Well, okay, that's really interesting. I guess old Steve would have had no trouble doing this. grabs X-Men poster and tears it down the middle
Jack: Dude! What the hell are you doing? I would have taken that!
Steven realizing: Oh god, what'd I do?

Hal Karp (Loudon Wainwright III): I like your hair.
Steven: Thanks.
Mr. Karp: Not really. I'm just saying that because I'm your father.

Co-ed: Mom, will you just wake up Grandma and leave already!

Lucien: You remind me of a girl we had last year—same problems, everything.
Rachel Lindquist (Monica Keena): But she's doing good?
Lucien: I think she's... she's much happier now where she is.

Lloyd Haythe (Charlie Hunnam): That was embarrassing.
Ron Garner (Seth Rogen): That was really embarrassing.
Marshall Nesbitt (Timm Sharp): I think she might come.

Steven: Um, excuse me. We're, like, having a party tonight. Do you, like, wanna come?
Red Headed Woman: Oh, I'm a senior.
Steven: Oh, that's cool.
Red Headed Woman: No, sweetie, that means I'm not coming to your party.
Steven: Wow.
Marshall: That sucked.

Steven: We're throwing a party tonight. I don't know, do you want to come?
Lizzie Exley (Carla Gallo): Yeah, totally! Where's it going to be?
Steven: It's actually, um, right here.
Lizzie: It's here?
Steven: Yeah.
Lizzie: So you're inviting me to a floor party on my own floor?

Lloyd: I'm glad you came. Are you having a good time?
Co-ed: Yeah. Are you?
Lloyd: Yeah. I get a little bit shy at parties. The whole communication thing. It's difficult for me to understand your language.
Co-ed: Oh.
Lloyd: Joke. Wanna see my room?
Co-ed: Yeah.

Lucien: Steven! Guess who I found looking for his little boy!
Steven: Hey, Party Man! Didn't I just see you at breakfast?

Rachel: Could you do me a favor? Could you hold my hand?
Marshall: Yeah, sure. Sure.
Rachel: It's just, I'm having a panic attack and it usually goes away if I hold somebody's hand and I tell them I'm having a panic attack.
Marshall: Okay.
Rachel: God, I've gotta get out of here.
Marshall: Um, no no. It's okay. It's okay. I'll distract you. Um. I'm studying music. What's your major?
Rachel: I don't know yet. I haven't decided.
Marshall shocked: You haven't picked a major yet?
Rachel: God, what are you trying to do to me?

Hal: Steven, I've given my entire life to you. So if I need to talk to you you're going to listen.
Steven: I'm sorry.

Eric (Jason Segel): I know you're feeling alone, and I know you're feeling nervous. Just listen—
Lizzie: I just got here!
Eric: You know, maybe we should break up. Maybe we didn't think hard enough about that.
Lizzie: Maybe we should. Maybe we should. I mean we talked about splitting up 'til the summer anyway. Maybe we should just go through with it.
Eric: Now you want to break up?
Lizzie: But you were— you—
Eric: Now you want to break up? You get to college one day— You're at college for one hour and all the sudden you want to break up?

Lizzie: From now on, we have total freedom. And now is the time in our lives when we are supposed to be experiencing everything.
Steven: Exactly. Like, I can like stay up 'til eleven now.
Lizzie: And I could pierce anything I want.
Steven: Yeah, and I can watch as much tv as I want to, you know. And eat candy all day.
Lizzie: You know what we should do?
Steven: What?
Lizzie: We should have sex.
Steven: Oh yeah?
Lizzie: Yeah. For fun.
Steven: Yeah, for fun. Right. Okay.
Lizzie: Do you have a condom?
Steven: I have eight condoms.

Hal: I have the gut of an eighteen-year-old.
Ron: I have the gut of a forty-eight-year-old.

Hal: Are you saying I'm wrong?
Ron: No. You're not wrong, Hal. You're just maybe less than right.
Hal: Oh crap.

Marshall: There's a scrunchie on the door.
Lloyd: And I'm not in there. Wow.

Steven on the phone: It sure seemed like it took a long time. I don't know, about maybe two and a half minutes or so. Lloyd looks disgusted

Lloyd: You don't have a girlfriend, Steven. You slept with a girl. Big difference.
Steven: Yeah but it's different, 'cause we kind of share a bond, you know? It was awesome because we both lost our virginity together.
Lloyd: You lost your virginity, Steven. She didn't lose a damn thing.

Professor Duggan (Fred Willard): What is is wrong with you people? Do you think you're going to be able to succeed in this world without knowledge of history? Those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it.
Marshall: So I'll repeat the Bay of Pigs?

Hillary: Hey, Lloyd. I was thinking that maybe this transition is kind of difficult for you. You've come from such a far away place. So if you ever need anything I'm in room 1016, top floor. 'Cause we like it on top. It's just a motto that I came up with. And we're making sweatshirts, it's going to be really cool.

Ron: I don't believe it. The head RA wants to nail you.
Lloyd: I know.
Ron: Look, don't do it. Okay? If she turns on you she could use her powers to destroy us both.
Lloyd: She was super cute.
Ron: She was nuts, she's nuts.
Lloyd: I like that.

Professor Duggan: When I'm lecturing I expect you to listen. This is not high school. You're paying good money for an education.
Marshall: Well, yeah, that's the whole point. I am paying good money and I think you should try to be a little less boring.

Hal: Look at your mother, she seemed completely sane at the beginning. Now this chick you like, I mean she's already starting it halfway nuts.

Lloyd: All women are fair game until they're married. Most of them even after that.

Lizzie: It's not that I don't want to talk to you, I'm just telling you it's not a good time.
Eric: Well it's not a good time for me. Because Sabrina, the Teenage Witch is on, and I guess she'll have to do!

Ron: Lucien, my roommate's been asleep for two days, now. Is that— that's bad, right?
Lucien: Wha-? My god man, where is he?
Ron: This way.
Lucien: Two days in a row?

Eric: You better shut up, man, or I'm going to Van Damme your head.

Lloyd: You know what, Hillary? We can't do this.
Hillary: Why?
Lloyd: Because I have herpes.
Hillary: So what? I do too! Everybody does.
Lloyd: Yeah, but you know what, I just— you're an RA, I'm a student I— What if someone was to see? I don't—
Hillary: I'll go fast like a man. Just give it!

Ron: That's great. Lloyd. She took my apple. And now we're on her radar. Why do you do this?
Lloyd: I guess I'm just a very mixed-up little girl, Ron.

Ron: Gentlemen, okay, are you ready? Okay, because you're going to remember this moment coming up for the rest of your sweet lives. He dramatically unveils a keg
Lloyd: That was the moment?

Steven: Eric's here now?
Lloyd: Your nemesis has arrived.

Rachel: Have you ever dumped anyone?
Marshall: Almost. But we never actually like went out or talked or anything.

Lloyd: What's your favorite film?
Ron: Okay. I tell people it's Red Dawn. But in actuality my favorite movie is You've Got Mail.

Eric drinking beer out of an OJ carton: This beer tastes good.
Steven: Yeah? That's probably because you got some leftover pulp.

Eric: So I said, "That's fine if you want 3-hole punches but you've got to tell me. I'm not a mind reader."

Ron: Woah. What happened?
Marshall: You know what? I don't really know and I don't really care.
Rachel: You look kind of cute with that eye.
Marshall: Shut up! You're evil.
Rachel: No I'm not.

Steven about Eric: He's a good guy.
Lizzie: He's the best.
Steven: When is he coming back?
Lizzie: Tomorrow.

Rachel: God, aren't there any men on this campus?
Lizzie: What about Lloyd?
Rachel: No. I don't like guys like that.
Lizzie: Super hot English guys?
Rachel: Pretty boys. They're so boring. I want to meet somebody with personality and some depth.
Lizzie: Oh you mean like an ugly guy.
Rachel: Shut up. You're so shallow.
Lizzie: What? I had sex with Steven.
Rachel: Yeah, that's true.

Steven: You could have told me you weren't paying for school before I got kicked out.

Marshall: As long as I'm working at this cafeteria, we are the kings of free chow.

Marshall: Hey dude. What's up?
Steven: Well I have to find a job or else you guys will be looking for a new roommate. My dad forgot to pay my tuition.
Ron: Okay, I got it. I saw this in a film. You are a student by day. And an illustrious man prostitute by night.
Marshall: Hey, dude, I could totally hook you up with a job in the cafeteria, man. Huh? My boss totally loves me.
Steven: Ah, no thanks. I think I'll pass. I'd rather be a man whore than work there. No offense.
Marshall: No, no. That's cool.
Steven: Oo, jello. Can I have some of that?
Marshall: No. He takes the jello into his room.
Ron: Thank you. I thought he was fattening me up to eat me or something. It was ridiculous.

Steven: I thought I saw an ad for a job at the art supply store.
Perry: That job doesn't exist. For some reason hot girls like art. So I just put that in there to get numbers. My palm pilot is bursting.

Marshall: Not only do we get paid really well but we also get to, like, kinda eat for free.
Steven: Really? We get like, free samples, or—
Marshall grabs a plate of half-eaten food: See?
Steven: Oh. Dude, someone else ate that.
Marshall: The trick is to take a bite off the uneaten end. You know? Sometimes you forget which end. So I just take one bite. Some people eat the whole thing. I'm not that gross, you know what I mean?

Marshall: I bet they have crushed ice in the urinals. It doesn't get any fancier than that.
Ron: What they make, like, urine sno cones or something?

Jimmy: I want to be on SNL. Like Mike Myers or Belushi. I've got to keep practicing all the time.
Rachel: Why would you even want to be on that show? I mean it hasn't been funny in like forever.

Steven: S'up.
Hi. You don't look very comfortable.
Steven: That's 'cause I'm not.
Well hon, why do you like sleeping on the couch?
Steven: What?
Lloyd said that you liked to sleep on the couch. Is it for your back? IS that it?
Steven: Yeah.
We both know how terrified Lloyd is to sleep alone.
Steven: Yeah.

Steven: Don't you feel bad about what you do to these girls?
Lloyd: No, actually I feel quite good about what I do to these girls.

Marshall: Man, this flu rules.

Lloyd: Alright, Mr. Magoo. Time to leave. Rebecca's going to be here any second.
Steven: Okay, well. Have fun and in case you need me I'll be sleeping on that disgusting ass little couch right there that Ron puked on the other night. Thanks.

Marshall: You're really smart.
Rachel: Thanks.
Marshall: And you're pretty. You're smart and pretty. Like a dolphin.
Rachel: Thanks.

School Video Show Guy: Coming up next we have a generic R&B video. I don't know who it's by but I bet they'll have a shot of a guy without his shirt on spinning around in the rain.

Steven: Excuse me. Am I like interrupting a slumber party or something?
Nicola: No. Our roommates are having sex. How about you?
Steven: Yeah. He is.

Ron: You guys gotta come with me and see this.
Lizzie: What is it?
Ron: Just come.
Marshall: I think my hands are shrinking. See!
Ron: Is that supposed to happen? That's a lot of sweat.

Ron: Hey, you need to tell Marshall to go to the doctor.
Rachel: He doesn't need to go to the doctor. He's getting better.
Ron: No, he's not getting better. He looks terrible. He looks like death. I almost buried him this morning.

Rachel: My uncle had stomach pains. And the doctors took out his kidney. And then they found out there was nothing wrong with it. And now he has to go through the rest of his life without a kidney.
Ron: Well you'll be very happy to know that he does have a kidney! 'Cause you're born with two kidneys. You moron.

Nicola: Why are we out here and they're in their rooms having sex? Are we the losers?
Steven: Nah. We're as cool as they are.
Are we? I spent $600 this month on internet porn.

School Video Show Guy: Welcome to NRL: No Requests Live. We're not live. Why no requests? Well I don't get to pick the video so why should you?

Steven: Lloyd won't stop talking to my dad.
Ron: So?
Marshall: Your dad is cool.
Ron: Everyone's dad is cool but your own. Like my dad, right? He's a big fat moron. You guys would love him.

Ron: If you are lying to me now I'll shank you, prison-style.
Perry: Oh, Ron. I'm trembling! Oh wait, no I'm not. Because he's coming.

Rachel: What's the big deal? I mean he's just a person. You'd think the queen was coming.
Ron: The Queen is just an old lady. Sandler is like a god, okay?

Jonathan Loughran: You have any food?
Rachel: You're not going to kill me are you?

Hal: So what do you think?
Adam Sandler: I was thinking about going now. So uh, you wanna come with me?
Lizzie: Sure.

Jonathan Loughran: Hey Sandman, you're not the only special person in my life. Okay?
Adam Sandler: I know.
Jonathan Loughran: Yeah, I got another special person. A very special person. And her name is Rachel.
Adam Sandler: Rachel. Which one's Rachel?
Jonathan Loughran: She's the one with the bigger boobs.

Lloyd: Hal, you've gone crazy.

Steven: So was The Pelican Brief good?
Rachel: Yeah. Morgan Freeman was really good.
Steven nodding: He's... (not in it)

Ron about the credit cards: The real cards aren't that big. But they're good too.

Lloyd: Online investing is for desperate fools.
Ron: That's true, right. Except for me though.

Dave: Yeah. Virgin plastic. That's nice, huh? That's a good feeling.
Steven: Don't rob me.
Dave: I could, actually.

Dave: What's your major, Steven?
Marshall: He's undeclared.
Dave: What's wrong with that? I was undeclared and I turned out alright.

Ron: I could buy a decent used car right now. Or an amazingly thorough prostitute.

Steven: Do you understand that I've never gotten good grades? Which is of course why I came to this school.
Marshall: Is this a bad school?

Ron: Check out my new screen. You know what's back there? Nothing. Because it's so damn thin. Now get me a soda.
Steven: What? No. You get your own damn— Ron hands him cash. Okay.

Lizzie: I'm afraid for my life.

Rachel: Would you just stop babbling? We're gonna forget everything we learned two weeks after graduation anyway.

Lizzie: How did you get so smart?
Dave: I read like eight or nine books a week.
Steven: See? I told you.
Dave: I also do a lot of speed. All the time.

Ron: If we don't pay off this debt then we have bad credit for life. We won't even be able to get a Discover card. You know what that means?
Lloyd: No more leather suits.

Rachel: I can't believe he isn't here.
Steven: Yeah, it's really weird 'cause I thought he was afraid to leave or whatever. sees a shadow in the house. What the hell was that?

Steven: I know I saw something move in there.
Lizzie: Maybe it was a cat.
Dave: Meow.
Lizzie: Kitty?
Steven: Lizzie, that was him.

Steven reading Atlas Shrugged: This isn't that bad.
Steven reading the Cliff Notes to Atlas Shrugged: This is actually really good.
Steven listening to the audiobook of Atlas Shrugged: Anthony Hopkins reads this great.

Steven: Anthony Hopkins is yelling.

Ron: I love college. I just wish I could take my tuition and shove it down that girl's underwear in one dollar bills.

Marshall about Sheila moving out: I've never even seen her before.
Lloyd: I have.

Lizzie's phone rings
Ron: Hi Eric.
Eric: Who the hell is this? Why are you answering Lizzie's phone?
Ron: She left it in our room. It's Ron. Hey.
Eric: What the hell was Lizzie doing in your room?
Ron: We were making sloppy love, Eric. It was heavenly.

Ron: I hate that guy.
Steven: Whatever. He's a nice guy.
Ron: He's not a nice guy. You are a nice guy for calling that idiot a nice guy.

Luke: If you want, I could set you up with somebody, man. Matter of fact, I know somebody you might like.
Steven: Really?
Luke: I'm telling you, he'll fulfill your every need.
Steven: He? Hey, thank you. But I'm sorry. I'm not gay.
Luke: That's okay, man. Neither is he. You see his name is Jesus.
Steven: Christ.
Luke: Yeah. So you know his name.

Lloyd: Did you ever think that maybe the entire way you looked at the world was wrong?
Ron: Uh yeah, man. I used to be a goth guy. I met this chick, she had like black fingernails, totally like pale. So hot, right? Turned out to be albino.

Steven: Have you ever read the Bible? It's awesome. Very moral. Kind of like eight Star Wars episodes in a row.

Lizzie: What do you think?
Ron: Is that as big as your boobs get?
Lizzie: Oh! I have a shirt for that.
Ron: Ah. I knew you would.

Perry: What's with you, Lloyds of London? You take one mind-blowing philosophy class and suddenly you're Jean-Paul Sartre.
Lloyd: It's Sartre.
Perry: Oh, so now you've got this existentialist hook thing too? Well that's great, 'cause all you need is a little more mystic. Now you've got a chance with all the freaky chicks I was gonna get. I've take so much acne medication my lips are splitting in half. This might cheer you up: you're hotter than most chicks. What are you doing in college anyway? People like you don't need to know how to read. Nice nose.

Ron: I'm so glad I didn't tell my parents about this whole "Parents Weekend" thing. Because now I can just, like, zone in on Lloyd's sister—just focus. I mean we talk sometimes, when she calls. She sounds cool man, she sounds hot. But I mean, she's probably like a female Lloyd you know. Just picture Lloyd with hair and boobs and no weener. I mean, I could be interested in that.

Steven: So mom gets the first half of the weekend and you get the second.
Hal: How come I'm the one that gets the sloppy Steven seconds?

Rachel: Oh my god.
Mrs. Lindquist: Your frog has been very naughty.

Ron: Lloyd's sister asked me to deflower her.
Marshall: Wow. That's quite an honor. Has Lloyd congratulated you yet?

Ron: She'll tell her friends across the pond and the name will be like the secret inside joke for bad sex. "How was your shag?" "Oh, I got Ronned! He Ronned me! It was terrible."

Ron: Could you catch a red-eye? 'Cause I think I'd be good at it.
Amanda: It's non-refundable.

Steven: You stupid stupid stupid computer. How do you expect to take over mankind if you keep crashing?

Eric: If Lizzie ever cheated on me I think I would die.
Then you're already dead.
Eric: You better check yourself!

Rachel: Wait, Lizzie hooked up with Lloyd? Nobody tells me anything. Eric celebrates. Was that before or after Steven?
Eric: What?
Rachel realizing her mistake: What?

Eric: You got something you need to tell me, Elizabeth?
Yeah. I've been wanting to tell you... how much I love you.
Eric: As much as you love having sex with Steven?

Eric: I'm gonna beat you up so bad.
Steven: What?
Eric: And I'm gonna love it.
Steven: No.

Eric: Bring the ruckus! Bring the ruckus!

Eric: There once was a little boy named Steven. And if I just punched him once we'd be even.

Eric: I hope you wore a condom.
Lizzie: Well he wore a condom.
Eric: Well that's... you're so smart, huh?!

Eric: You're not my girlfriend. You're my girl enemy.

Lloyd: Alright, if Eric comes in here, we take him down.
Ron: Woah, okay. I'm not taking anyone down, okay? You know, I'm from Canada. We don't take people down.
Lloyd: Man, you Americans are such nancies about fighting. Back in the East End, you can't even finish a Yorkshire pudding without some guy—WHAM—to the back of the head. Ron and Marshall look at each other
Lloyd: Alright. Are you two men, or pretty little ladies?
Ron: Pretty lady right here.
Marshall: I'm a pretty lady.

Lloyd: In every man resides a fighter, Steven.
Steven: Where? Does he hide in my ass?

Eric: Well if it isn't the whack-ass buster.

Steven: Do you guys want to go to that rush party tonight or not?
Ron: No.
Marshall: No.
Lloyd: No.
Ron: Fraternities are evil, okay? They brainwash you, they steal your soul. They take your firstborn for godsakes.
Lloyd: And you're the firstborn.
Steven: So I guess you guys don't care about free beer and chicks.
Ron: Free?

Steven: I think my name's on some sort of list. My dad's alumni. Hal Karp.
Beast Whore: Good for you, but it's an open party.
Ron: Way to work the connections there, Steve.
Marshall: Thanks for the hook up, Bro.

Perry: I cannot believe Steven is joining those guys. That kid could not become a bigger dork if he went on the road following the Dave Matthew Band.

Lloyd: Faster, boy, faster! Don't make me get the hose.
Perry: Actually, Lloyd, this is a school zone. And in this country it's illegal to run over children.

Lloyd: Look man, you may have thought we wee mean to you but we never locked you to a tree.
Ron: We did, ah, we did bungee him to his bed that time.

Books: Hey look, Steven. Your date has arrived.
Steven: What am I supposed to do with the sheep? panicked. What am I supposed to do with the sheep?

Marshall: Every night, after Ron falls asleep, I'm ah... ah, do what young men do. In my bed.
Ron: You do it after I go to sleep?
Marshall: Yeah.
Ron: I do it every night after you go to sleep.
Marshall: But you're snoring by the time I'm doing it.
Ron: I'm pretending to snore so you don't think that I'm doing it.
Marshall: God, Ron!
Ron: So we're doing it at the same time?
Marshall: That's horrible, Ron!
Steven with Lloyd's male model shot: Maybe next time you might want to use this thing.
Ron: I actually have once. I thought that was Meg Ryan on the cover.

Books: You quit because he quit?
Kind of. I didn't know I could quit.

Lizzie: How's my favorite frat guy?
Steven: I quit.
Lizzie: Really? I quit too!
Steven: You did?
Lizzie: Yeah, the Little Sisters were total bitches.
Steven: The guys were total bitches.

Ron: Oh my god, did you hear that, man? We're in that boglin's hell.
Marshall: That little guy scares the crap out of me, you guys.
Lloyd: Why don't you fight like a man, gnome-boy?

Ron and Marshall: Bacon fat! Bacon fat! Bacon fat!

What is this obsession with pickles, man? We're a frat! We drink beer!

Rachel: Guys, let's never eat carbs again.

Marshall: That was awesome.
Ron: That was pretty cool.
Lloyd: Awesome, that was not.
Marshall: Why not? Why wasn't it?
Lloyd: I've been thinking this might happen for awhile, but this is sooner than I thought. We have become their brothers.
Marshall: So?
Lloyd: So I understand, where you're from being someone's brother may not necessarily eliminate sexual possibilities. For Ron, myself and Steven this spells trouble.

Marshall: Are you going for Rachel?
Lloyd: I don't know.
Marshall: What kind of answer is that, huh? I put my time in, man. You can't just swoop in like some kind of blond peacock.
Lloyd: I'm confused by these feelings too, Marshall. I don't know what to tell you.

Lloyd: Don't try any funny stuff with Rachel.
Marshall: Yeah, She's ours.
Lloyd: Yes, she's for us.
Perry: Oo. Kinky.

Lloyd: Last week I borrowed Marshall's pants. In the pocket I found a video receipt for Dude, Where's My Car.
Marshall: It's a funny movie. And I like to laugh.
Lloyd: Did you enjoy the 14 pornos you rented at the same time?
Perry: Is there a new script?

Rachel: Where's the strangest place you've ever had sex?
Perry: Um, is nowhere considered a strange answer?
Ron: That's an abstract way to answer the question.

Perry: That's the funny thing about girls and a game of Truth or Dare. 'Cause anything you pretend you haven't done, they're gonna want to do. Now you know. And now you move so I can go say hi to Rachel.

Marshall: There's a stain above where I sleep and I can't tell if it came down from above or flew up from down here.
Ron: Isn't life just great.
Marshall: I've seen things no man should see.

Steven: Man this is so awesome. The sheets are all messed up like in Basic Instinct.

Lloyd: Marshall, I bequeath you my overflow.

Steven: I think I have a girlfriend. I have no idea.
Kelly: No. You guys haven't made it official yet. You're totally cool.
Ron: It's like, with me and Kelly, right? We know that it's official.
Kelly: No we don't.

Lloyd: Dude, are you wearing makeup?
Marshall: Yes I am. Rachel gave me some cover up for my pimple and then I put a little under my eyes.
Ron: I thought you looked less tired.
Marshall: Thank you.

Hal: Steven it's no big deal. Your mom and I still fight. Hell, we even get it on every once in awhile.

Steven: What were some things mom always wanted you to do but you never did.
Hal: I don't know. Learn to read minds.

Rachel: The perfect date. That's really cute.
Lizzie: Eric did this once. He filled his ex-step dad's hot tub with pink champagne.
Rachel: That sounds like fun.
Lizzie: I got a urinary tract infection.

Steven: Why do you want to help me so much?
Rachel: Because we hate Eric.
And we like you.

Lloyd: Look at her scampering around. She's like a little bunny.
Marshall: Oh man, don't have sex with the bunny.

Lizzie: Were you super popular?
Steven: Oh go, I hate that word. I was well-liked.

Theo: Well now you say "just one." Later you'll be saying "just wonderful."

Lloyd: Can we start over? I'm Lloyd.
Evie: Oh, you're that guy who had sex with my roommate and was mean to that high school kid. Pleased to meet you. I'm leaving.

Theo: He was always the geek in high school.
Lizzie: Hey, none of us were perfect in high school. So you were a geek. Everybody was something. I was a slut.
Steven: What?
Lizzie: I was a slut.
Theo: Can I have your phone number? C'mon, that was funny.

Lizzie: I feel bad for Hal. He's lonely.
Steven: I know. I just wish he could be lonely by himself sometimes.

Hilary: Hal, could you do me a favor?
Hal: Anything.
Hilary: Dare to believe in yourself.

Ron about Kikuki: She doesn't speak any English? That's unbelievable. It's like you found the perfect girl.

Rachel: Well I mean it'll never last. She's got the boobs of a six year-old and she's, like, dumb.
Lloyd: Well, I don't think a dumb girl's necessarily wrong for Marshall.
Ron: Yeah, and I don't even think she's dumb necessarily. She's just, she seems dumb because she's foreign. Like Lloyd.
Lloyd: I'm going to hurt you when you least expect it.

Steven: My dad—my dad—is having relations with Hilary. I haven't done anything.
Lloyd: Then do something.
Steven: Like what?
Lloyd: Let's monkeyshine his ass.
Lizzie: Don't— don't do that. Don't monkeyshine.

Lloyd: So are you a man or not?
Steven: Monkeyshine.

Lucien: What happened?
Perry: What happened what? Oh, I strapped myself here. I have a girl coming by to pleasure me in a few minutes.
Lucien: Are you serious?
Perry: No. You moron. Untie me.

Hilary: We've got pizza there. We don't have any judgment. We just have pizza.

Eugene: Hey, you know who I had sex with last night? Lucy Liu, Lisa Ling... oh and who's that chick from Crouching Tiger?
Greg: Ang Lee.
Eugene: Yes. So hot. I mean TiVO be my pimp, yo.

Eric: And that's from a group eVite, bitch!

Greg: Dude this is terrible, man. I hate this. I feel like horrible things are about to happen.
Eric: Dude, I'm going to my friend's house, Greg. There' nothing wrong with that. I go to your guys houses all the time.
Greg: But dude you're not her friend, Eric. You're some kind of stalker who needs to drive slower.

Ron about the Girls Gone Wild girl: See and she built up suspense. It was better that she did that.

Hal: Steven, I've discovered your new mother.
Ron: Yeah, and she's young and drunk!

Alice: It's fine. Janice's brother swallowed my tongue stud too. Just, when it comes out the other end give it Janice and she'll pass it along.
Eric: Woah. Dude, that was in another guy's ass?
Alice: What, I cleaned it.

Perry: Oh now I'm the freak? Stick with that, Garfield.

Rex: You know what a relationship is? Real Exciting Love Affair That Turns Into Ongoing Nightmare. Sobriety Hangs In Peril. Something like that. I've got it tattooed on my back. You wanna read it?

Rex: I'll tell you something buddy. There is nothing as good as the love of a good woman. Except ecstasy.