Random Shoes

Eugene Jones: The speed of light is 299,792,458 meters per second. Pain travels through the body at 350 feet per second. Even a sneeze can reach a hundred miles per hour. And as for life. Well, that just bloody whizzes by. So then. This is me. Eugene Jones.

Eugene Jones (Paul Chequer): Am I dead?

Eugene: Stick with the team. This is Torchwood. It’s going to be okay.

Jack: Anything on his phone from today?
Gwen: Just some pictures of random shoes.

Eugene: Mind you, it feels kind of familiar. I mean, I’m always where I’ve wanted to be.

Eugene: …That was the night Dad went away. But it was okay because I had the eye. And the possibility of an alien encounter. I mean, if you leave something really important behind, you come back and get it. Don’t you? God, I wanted that alien to come back and claim his eye more than I wanted anything in my life! I worked out the possible provenance, the life form and galaxy. Planetary escape velocities, launch windows, necessary fuel capacities. And then, I waited…

Eugene: Gwen! I’ve got this thing I really need to show you. Um, sorry, that sounded…

Eugene: Oh wow. This is so… I am totally… Christ Almighty! The Head of Vexor Eleven. No way! And… wow. A hand. In a jar.
Gwen: What was he doing out on that road?
Owen: Oh, fuck knows. Categorizing chevrons. He was a geek.

Eugene: I am in heaven! … Am I?

Eugene: So … So, uh… Wow, this is so weird. I used to follow you around. Now you’re following me.

Gwen: Eugene Jones.
Video Guy: Right, I think he used to come in here. With a mate. Bit of a dreamer, kind of—
Eugene: Irresistible?
Video Guy: Ordinary looking.
Gwen: Yeah.

Terry Jones (Joshua Aaron Hughes): You can stop now, mum.
Bronwen Jones (Nicola Duffett): What d’you mean?
Terry: He’s dead. He may be able to square the root of the square friggin’ root, but he couldn’t cross the friggin’ road!

Eugene: Life can be such a letdown, can’t it?

Gwen: What exactly is a Sixth Eye, I mean, exactly?
Jack: It’s the one in the back. Let’s you see behind you, where you’ve been. Kind of puts things in perspective. It’s useful, fun, slightly terrifying, and that’s why they were in demand.
Gwen: I can get it for you.
Jack: Okay, you’ve got the weekend.

Eugene to Gwen: I’d trust you with my life. If, you know, I still had one.

Eugene: Who else would be bidding this kind of money for a prosthetic eye? I mean, he couldn’t contact me any other way. So—
Gary (Celyn Jones): So he chose eBay?
Eugene: Or cyberspace. I mean even an online auction has an elegant symmetry.

Eugene to Gwen: I don’t want you to find out what happened. I don’t want this to end. I love you.

Josh (Steven Meo): I checked the bid history. Mr. C. Blackstaff is a collector of alien ephemera and Nazi memorabilia. Also, Beanie Babies. Teeny bit cuckoo, but endearingly rich.

Eugene remembering: Yeah. Yeah, I walked toward the door, wondering who exactly I’d be meeting, Excited. Quite stressed. I was shitting myself, quite frankly.

Josh: What did you do that for, twat?
Gary: I miss him!

Eugene: All those cars. All those lives moving through space. All that humanity whizzing by in a frenzy of… burgers and chips, bank holiday fun, burst tires, screaming kids. And sudden heart attacks.

Eugene: Now I remember. Apart from a buzzing in my ear where Josh whacked me, I felt good. I was running across a field on a Saturday morning. The smell of exhaust and banana milkshake. A slight nausea, heart beating too fast ’cause I wasn’t that fit. All the stuff that tells you you’re alive. {the car hits him} By rights, I should be well pissed off. My mates had cheated on me and I didn’t get to meet any aliens. But I realized that when I swallowed the eye at the Happy Cook, I was given a chance to look back on my life and see it for what it really was.

Eugene: In an average lifetime, the human heart will beat two million times. You’ll produce over eight thousand gallons of saliva, and grow three hundred and fifty miles of hair. You’ll eat the equivalent in weight of six elephants. Ah, isn’t life amazing!

Gwen: It is so good to see you! Eugene, you’re on my leg!
Eugene: Oh sorry!
Gwen: No no, it’s fine. It’s fine.

Eugene: Goodbye Gwen.
Gwen: Don’t go now, Eugene. Eugene, please don’t go now. Eugene, please! Please!

Eugene: The average life is full of near misses and absolute hits. Of great love and small disasters. It’s made up of banana milkshakes, loft insulation and random shoes. It’s dead ordinary and truly, truly amazing. What you’ve got to realize is, it’s all here, now. So breathe deep and swallow it whole. Because take it from me: life just whizzes by, and then, all of a sudden, it’s—