Sandy Cohen: There's no need for sarcasm. 
Seth: I'm not being sarcastic. 
Sandy: Well, it's hard to tell sometimes.

Marissa driving : Why won't you tell me where we're going? This is pretty far away.
Seth: Oh, wow. Complaining. That's very interesting considering nobody invited you. 
Marissa: Before I came along you were on a skateboard.

Ryan: It's kind of a shady area up there. It's a hardcore neighborhood.
Seth: Dude, it's Long Beach, not Chechnya.

Anna: So, this is your crib? This is where all the magic happens?
Seth: Well, if by magic, you're referring to the card game, then, sadly, yes.

Seth: Ryan. That's extremely minty of you. I didn't even know they had musicals in Chino. I didn't even know they had dancing. Or... laughter.
Ryan: That's because no one who lived there is as funny as you.
Seth: So, we finally agree I'm the funny one. Well look at that! Looks like we all learned some valuable lessons this Thanksgiving.

Summer: I was being sarcastic.
Marissa: So was I.
Summer: Which we never were before Cohen showed up and taught us all irony. Jackass.

Julie: Hey, you guys wanna join us? We're celebrating my new position.
Sandy: Ohhh, I'm not gonna touch that one.

Kirsten: I sense sarcasm.
Seth: Well, you're perceptive, mother.

Sandy about the pancakes: Enjoy them now, because we only have two hours to unleaven the entire house.

Kirsten on the phone, about Caleb: And he hates carnies.
Sandy: Note to self: hang with carnies.

Kirsten to Theresa: You won't want to drive. I'm an excellent driver. And an amazing parker.

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Ryan: Hey, so, ah, I was thinking.
Seth: I was thinking too. You know they don't even have a water polo team here. That's just gonna be a problem for me.

About the Sandy Cohen lox scramble with rye toast
Caleb: No, I'm not dragging Sandy into anything. Before he put these eggs in front of me he was the closest thing I had to a friend in this town.

Ryan: You realize we're both screwed.
Seth: Dude, I'm wearing a wifebeater.

Sandy: We can't fight a war on multiple fronts. Have we learned nothing from the Nazis?

Summer: I don't wanna hear it. What are you guys? Like Kavalier and Gay?
Seth amused and impressed: That was funny.
Summer indignant: I know.

Julie: That's very punk of you. You know, I used to like the punk in my day.
Marissa: Mom!
Julie: Okay, Marissa. It still is my day. I was just being modest.

Seth: Marissa and Alex: no longer welcome in the Red States.
Ryan: That I wouldn't have predicted. Think it's real?
Seth: God, I hope so.

Seth: And besides, now with Lindsay out of the picture, maybe Ryan and Marissa will get back together.
Summer: Are you crazy? They're like the worst couple ever. And besides Marissa's happy now.
Seth: Okay, and by happy you mean gay.

Ryan: So... can I borrow Captain Oats?
Seth to Captain Oats: Oats? Now Ryan is going to use you as an inspiration. Now, if he touches you any place weird... and by weird I mean whispers to Captain Oats, I want you to neigh as loud as you can.

Julie: I am so screwed.
Sandy: I know. I saw the footage.

View all quotes from season two

Seth: Is it my fault that most of our half-baked adolesent schemes goes hopelessly awry and my dad has to bail us out?
Ryan: Uh, usually, yeah.

Summer: You can't leave. I won't let you.
Marissa: I know.
Summer: No, I really mean I won't let you. I'll restrain you if I have to. You may be tall, but I am wiry and I have Ryan on my side.

Seth about Ryan and Marissa: Well, that is a pickle.
Ryan: That's it? No advice?
Seth: What advice? Call her, apologize. It's not rocket science. Man. You home school kids are pathetic.

Taylor: Sorry! I can't hear you.
Summer to Taylor: What do you mean you can't hear—? You're responding!

Summer: These are our college lists. Do you see a difference?
Seth: Yeah. The font. Looks like you went with the, ah, Times New Roman.
Summer: The schools, doofus. None of them are the same. None of them are even in the same time zone.
Seth: Okay, so you went West Coast, I went East Coast. It's not a hip-hop war.

Gus: Hey, Julie!
Julie: I've got a gun, Gus.
Gus: That's cool.

Sandy: What did I tell ya!
Kirsten: Best. Chrismukkah. Ever.

Julie: Oh no. I don't do oysters. If I'm going to swallow something that disgusting there better be something in it for me.

Julie: Marissa, honey, you know it's not too late to go with you. I promise I won't embarrass you. I can pretend to be part of your entourage. Or your Scientology guide.

Summer: You know, just everyone, leave me alone.
Seth: She probably just needs a moist washcloth. Or maybe, like, a towelette.
Anna: Cohen.
Seth: What? What? Is there a no-towelette clause in your plan? 'Cause right now I'm thinking that phase two kinda sucks. Does anyone have a towelette? Does anyone have a towelette?!?! We've gotta find a towelette!

Volchok: You probably think I'm an idiot, huh? Screw things up with Marissa. Steal money when everyone's gonna know I took it.
Ryan: I don't think about you. But yes, you're an idiot.

Taylor: It has been a pleasure being second circle core.
Seth: You can join the inner circle.
Taylor: I can? Oh my god! The Fab Five!

Marissa: I'm sorry for all the craziness.
Ryan: I wouldn't have done it any differently. Except maybe Oliver.

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Julie: Hey Kaitlin! Why aren't you in school?
Kaitlin: 'Cause it's 8 PM. And it's Saturday.

Sandy: You know what I think this is?
Kirsten: A coded message.
Sandy: Nothing. Probably the name of a band. Seth wrote it on a paper and put it in his pocket. Relax, sweetheart. phone rings Hello.
Seth: Dad, it's me. Did you get my note? I had to write it in code in case Ryan found it.
Sandy: Right. The note.

Ryan: You know you might want to relax.
Taylor: Distract me. Tell me about this, uh, cage fighting. It's something I've been meaning to get into.
Ryan: Yeah? Ask me for another favor and I'd be happy to show you.
Taylor: Oh, Ryan Atwood with a side of sauce. I like it!

Che: At the reservation they taught us, sometimes the weaker gazelle must be devoured for the good of the herd.
Summer: Oh Che, just shut up, okay? Before I tie you up with hemp rope, set you on fire and get high off the fumes from your burning flesh.
Che: Dark.

Julie: Veronica, listen. I know you're not the warm and fuzzy type. But it is Christmas Eve and it would mean so much if you could be there. And if you get on that plane right now I'll tell security you have a bomb.
Kaitlin: Wow. Very Jack Bauer of you.

Ryan: There's some guy who wants to meet you in the master bathroom. Something about getting a thong off.
Alt-Julie: Oo! That's charity talk. Thong is an acronym for The Homeless of Newport... Go. Or something.

Kirsten: You are going to call all those women tomorrow and you are going to tell them the truth.
Julie: Okay. But not Linda. Please let Linda think she has an STD.

Bullitt: Hey Peanut. Just left the airport.
Kaitlin: We need to talk.
Bullitt: Well not if it's about that duty-free booze you asked me to buy.

Taylor: Summer, how can we keep looking for Pancakes when there's a giant elephant in the room.
Summer: We walk around the elephant—it may be big but we are crafty.

Summer: Ow! Soap stings!
Taylor: Well that's because it's lye.

Sandy: Is there any chance we could see the kitchen? Just to see if the Seth Cohen growth chart is still notched in the wall?
Patrick: It isn't. We thought it was termites.

Julie: Summer, you're a great girl. And the world deserves to know you. You deserve it too. Don't settle for comfortable.

Bullitt about Julie: That woman is like nailing jello to the wall.

Summer: Just remember, this isn't goodbye. You're my destiny, Cohen.
Seth: Go save the world, Summer Roberts.

Seth: I've been doing some checking up on your new roommate. His favorite book and movie are the Da Vinci Code. He's no me.
Ryan: You say that like it's a bad thing.
Seth: At least I leave you funnier than when I found you.
Ryan: A lot better off than when you found me.
Seth: Me too.

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