Homer: What do you think, kids? Beauty isn't it?
Selma: Why is there a birdhouse in it?
Homer: Uh. That's an ornament.
Patty: Do I smell gun powder?

Patty: It's almost nine o'clock.
Selma: Where is Homer anyway?
Patty: It's so typical of the big doofus to spoil it all.
Lisa: What, Aunt Patty?
Patty: Oh nothing, dear. I'm just trashing your father.
Lisa: Well, I wish that you wouldn't. Because, aside from the fact that he has the same frailties as all human beings, he's the only father I have. Therefore, he is my model of manhood, and my estimation of him will govern the prospects of my adult relationships. So I hope you bear in mind that any knock at him is a knock at me. And I am far too young to defend myself against such onslaughts.
Patty: Mm hm. Go watch your cartoon show, dear.

Mrs. Krabappel: Bart, not another word out of you, or I'll subject you to the humiliation of making you sing in front of the class.
Bart: Can I pick the song?
Mrs. Krabappel: No. The song will be "John Henry was a Steel-Drivin' Man".

Homer: You'll get that punk someday, Moe.
Moe: I don't know. He's tough to catch. He keeps changing his name.

Mr. Burns to Homer: You're not as stupid a you look. Or sound. Or as our best testing indicates.

Nelson Muntz: You made me bleed my own blood!

TV Announcer: Jebediah Obadiah Zechariah Jedediah Springfield came West in 1838. Along the way he met a ferocious bear and killed it with his bare hands. That's B-A-R-E hands. Although modern historians recently uncovered evidence that the bear in fact probably killed him.

Moe: Moe's Tavern.
Bart: Hello, is Al there?
Moe: Al?
Bart: Yeah, Al. Last name Caholic.

Mrs. Krabappel: There were moments I truly believed you were Hemingway. Bravo, Martin.
Martin Prince: Oh please. Call me Papa.

Mrs. Krabappel: What's the matter? Well I would think you'd be used to failing by now.
Bart: No, you don't understand! I really tried this time! I mean I really tried.
Mrs. Krabappel: There there.
Bart: This is as good as I can do! And I still failed!
Mrs. Krabappel: Well, a 59. It's a high F.
Bart: Who am I kidding? I really am a failure! Oh, now I know how George Washington felt when he surrendered Fort Necessity to the French in 1754.

Mr. Burns: Wait. Who is that young go-getter?
Smithers: Well it kind of looks like Homer Simpson, only dynamic and more resourceful.

Mr. Burns: Brilliant! Who could ever have imagined that Simpson's sweeping reforms could pay off so quickly.
Smithers: You know sir, accidents decreased by exactly the number that Simpson himself is known or suspected to have caused last month. And our output level was just as high during Simpson's last vacation.

Homer: Where are we going?
Mr. Burns: To create a new and better world.
Homer: If it's on the way could we drop me off at my house?

Mr. Burns: Why are my teeth showing like that?
Campaign Manager: Because you're smiling.
Mr. Burns: Ah. Excellent! This is exactly the kind of trickery I'm paying you for. But how do we turn your average Joe Six-pack against Mary Bailey?
Campaign Manager: With this team of investigators. Your muckraker, your character assassin, your mudslinger, your garbologist.

Campaign Manager: Congratulations, Mr. Burns. The latest polls show you're up six points.
Mr. Burns: Ah. Giving me a total of?
Campaign Manager: Six. But we're on our way.

Mr. Burns: Ironic, isn't it, Smithers. This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election. And yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail.

Mother Simpson: At the risk of losing my voice, let me just say one more thing: I'm sorry I came.

Roger Meyers writing Marge a letter: ...In regards to your specific comments about the show, our research indicates that one person cannot make a difference no matter how big a screwball she is. So let me close by saying...
Marge reading: "...and the horse I rode in on."?! I'll show them what one screwball can do!

Kent Brockman: Are cartoons too violent for children? Most people would say, "No, of course not. What kind of
stupid question is that." But one woman says, "Yes." And she's here with us tonight. This is Marge Simpson.

Mrs. Lovejoy: Get dressed, Marge. You've got to lead our protest against this abomination.
Marge: But that's Michelangelo's David. It's a masterpiece.
Mrs. Lovejoy: It's filth! It graphically portrays parts of the human body which, practical as they may be, are evil.
Marge: But I like that statue.
Maude Flanders: I told you she was soft on full frontal nudity.

Lionel Hutz (Phil Hartman): My fee is fifty percent.
Homer: Fifty percent?
Lionel Hutz: You'll be getting more than just a lawyer, Mr. Simpson. You'll also be getting this exquisite faux pearl necklace—a ninety-nine dollar value—as our gift to you.

Court Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?
Marge: Yes I do.
Lionel Hutz: She sounded like she was taking that awful seriously.

Moe: Homer, lighten up! You're making Happy Hour bitterly ironic.

Lisa: Aunt Selma, do you think you'll ever get married?
Selma: Why? Do you know someone?

Grampa Simpson: She did things your mother never would. Like have sex for money.

Dr. Hibbert: Provocative, but powerful.
Mrs. Hoover: He's bad, but he'll die. So I like it.

Mr. Burns: You know, I'm no art critic. But I know what I hate. And I don't hate this. Your painting is bold but beautiful. And incidentally, thanks for not making fun of my genitalia {he wanders off}.
Marge: I thought I did.

Ms. Hoover: You see class, my lyme disease turned out to be psychosomatic.
Ralph: Does that mean you're crazy?
Suzie: No, that means she was faking it!
Ms. Hoover: No, actually it was little of both.

Dr. Hibbert: If you want him to live through the night, I suggest you roll him onto his stomach.
Marge: Thank you, I will, Dr. Hibbert. Thanks for coming.
Dr. Hibbert: Remember, I said "if".

Marge about the trust fall: Do I have to do this?
Rev. Lovejoy: No. Even if your husband were here I wouldn't recommend it.

Bart: Hey Martin, tell him what we do with squealers.
Martin tied up: I don't know. Is it worse than what you do to people who have to go to the bathroom?

Mr. Burns: Spare me the tiresome antics of the Simpson family!

Kent Brockman: Mr. Burns, people are calling this a meltdown.
Mr. Burns: Oh, meltdown. One of those annoying buzzwords. We prefer to call it an unrequested fission surplus.

Mrs. Krabappel: Well class, the history of our country has been changed again. To correspond with Bart's answers on yesterday's test. America was now discovered in 1942 by... "Some Guy." And our country isn't called America anymore. It's "Boner Land."

Mr. Burns: Bad corpse! Bad corpse! Stop scaring Smithers!

Mr. Burns: Dammit, Smithers! This isn't rocket science, it's brain surgery.

Homer: I want to buy a pony.
Mr. Burns: Isn't that cute, Smithers! He's planning on joining the horsey set.

Apu: I won't lie to you. In this job you will be shot at.

Apu: He slept, he stole, he was rude to the customers. Still. There goes the best damned employee a convenience store ever head.

Mrs. Krabappel: Bart! Are those liquor bottles?
Bart: I brought enough for everybody.
Mrs. Krabappel: Take those to the teacher's lounge. You can have what's left at the end of the day.

Professor Frink: Brace yourselves gentlemen, according to the gaschromatograph the secret ingredient is... love?!? Who's been screwing this thing?

Lionel Hutz: I'm sorry, Mrs. Simpson, but you can't copyright a drink. This all goes back to the Frank Wallbanger case of '78. How about that? I looked something up!

Burns: Good heavens, Smithers. They're not afraid of me anymore.

Burns: What good is money if you can't inspire terror in your fellow man. I've got to get my plant back!

Moe: What are you so happy about, Homer? You didn't win any money.
Homer: Money comes and money goes, but what I have in my daughter can go on for eight more years.

Ned to Todd: That's it young man, no Bible stories for you tonight.
Maude: Weren't you a little hard on him?
Ned: Well you knew I had a temper when you married me.

Bart: What about Groundskeeper Willie?
Mrs. Krabappel: I'm not even gonna tell you what that guy's into. Bart you are the closest thing to a man in my life. And that's so depressing I think I'm going to cry.

Mrs. Krabappel: Bart, it's such a nice day today let's have detention outside.
Bart: It's a date!

Carl: Okay, Homer. Bases loaded, you're up. Where's that secret weapon?
Homer: Check it out, boys. My magic bat.
Carl: That's it?
Lenny: Yeah. I've got a magic bat too.
Carl: Yeah, and I've got an enchanted jock strap.

Smithers: How do you like working for the Dodgers?
Mike Scioscia: Well it's okay. But sometimes I wish I had something a little more blue collar job. You know, with big machines and cool dials and stuff. Like an oil refinery. Or a hydro-electric plant.
Smithers: We should talk.

Mr. Burns: Mattingly! Get rid of those sideburns!
Don Mattingly: What sideburns?
Mr. Burns: Hippie.

Mr. Burns: Now, before I post the starting line-up I want to ensure those of you who are not on the list that I'm very disappointed in you. Something was lacking. Let's call it heart.
Daryl Strawberry: No hustle either, Skip.
Mr. Burns: That's right, Daryl.

Barney: And I say England's greatest prime minister was Lord Palmerston!
Wade Boggs: Pitt the Elder!
Barney: Lord Palmerston!
Wade Boggs: Pitt the Elder!
Barney: Okay, you asked for it, Boggs.

Skinner: ...and a state-of-the-art detention hall. Where children are held in place by magnets.
Teacher: Magnets. Always with the magnets.

Marge: Oh well. We lost the money but at least we've still got each other.
Grampa: Hey, the dog's dead.

Mr. Burns: Dogs are idiots! Think about it, Smithers, if I came into your house and started sniffing at your crotch and slobbering all over your face, what would you say?
Smithers: If you did it, sir?

Butler: Sir, your llama just bit Ted Kennedy.
Kent Brockman: Good!

Otto: Better fasten your seatbelts, little dudes.
Lisa: We don't have seatbelts.
Otto: Well then... just try to go limp.

Nelson: Mrs. Krabappel, how come you don't live with Mr. Krabappel?
Mrs. Krabappel: Because Mr. Krabappel chased something small and fluffy down a rabbit hole.

Bart: How would I go about creating a half-man, half-monkey type creature?
Mrs. Krabappel: I'm sorry, That would be playing God.
Bart: God shmod. I want my monkey man!

Miss Hoover: I have nothing left to say to any of you. So if nobody minds lets just quietly run out the clock.

Bart: Don't we get to roast marshmallows?
Kearney: Shut up and eat your pinecone!

Dolph: Yo, Mr. Black. Another brandy.
Mr. Black: Gentlemen, to evil!

Krusty: Well I'm gonna make it all up to you. I'm gonna show you kids the time of your life. Get ready for two weeks in the happiest place on Earth—Tijuana!

Marge: I'm Marge Simpson. I'll be playing Blanche. I made some peanut butter brownies for everyone.
Llewellyn Sinclair (Jon Lovitz): Well. would anyone else like a bite of banality?
Wiggum: I would.

With the church doors frozen, shut, Lisa starts praying.
Bart: Lisa, this is neither the time nor the place.

Homer: Come on, TV. Gimme some of that sweet sweet pap!

Marge: Homer, are you actually giving up your faith?
Homer: No! No no no no! Well, yes.

Homer: Hey Ganeesha, want a peanut?
Apu: Please do not offer my god a peanut.

Ned: Homer, God didn't set your house on fire.
Rev. Lovejoy: No, but He was working in the hearts of your friends and neighbors when they went to your aid. Be they Christian, Jew or... miscellaneous.
Apu: Hindu! There are seven hundred million of us.
Rev. Lovejoy: Aw, that's super.

Homer: Hey there, Blimpy Boy! Flying through the sky so fancy free.

Lisa: I'm hideous.
Marge: Lisa, I know a song that will cheer you up. {singing} There once was an ugly duckling—
Lisa: So you think I'm ugly?
Marge: No! No, I meant you were one of the good looking ducks. That... makes fun of the ugly one. Mm.

Contestant 1: Did you see Tina Epstein?
Contestant 2: Woah. If you're going to binge you better purge.
Contestant 1: Uh oh.
Contestant 2: Amber Dempsey.
Contestant 1: In the same week she was Pork Princess and Little Miss Kosher.
Lisa: She's beautiful.
Contestant 2: Wait, she's about to bring out the big guns.
Contestant 1: Eyelash implants.
Lisa: I thought those were illegal.
Contestant 1: Not in Paraguay.

Homer: Good evening. I've been asked to tell you that the following show is very scary. It's stuff that might give your kids nightmares. You see, there are some crybabies out there—religious types, mostly—who might be offended. If you are one of them, I advise you to turn off your set now. Come on, I dare you. {clucking} Chicken! {the lights go out} Hey!
Marge: Homer, did you just call everyone "chicken"?
Homer: No. I swear on this Bible!
Marge: That's not a Bible, that's a book of carpet samples.
Homer: Mm... fuzzy.

Marge: Where'd you get all the money?
Grampa Simpson: The government. I didn't earn it. I don't need it. But if they miss one payment, I'll raise hell!

Homer: Do you sell toys?
Shopkeeper: We sell forbidden objects from places men fear to tread. We also sell frozen yogurt. Which I call "frogurt".

Shopkeeper: Take this object. But beware—it carries a terrible curse.
Homer: Oo, that's bad!
Shopkeeper: But it comes with a free frogurt.
Homer: That's good.
Shopkeeper: The frogurt is also cursed.
Homer: That's bad.
Shopkeeper: But you get your choice of topping.
Homer: That's good.
Shopkeeper: The toppings contain potassium benzoate. {no reaction} That's bad.
Homer: Can I go now?

Bart: I'd say that the pressure's finally gotten to dad, but, what pressure?

Patty: There goes the last lingering thread of my heterosexuality.

Homer: The doll's trying to kill me and the toaster's been laughing at me!

Bart: Grampa, why don't you tell us a story. You've led an interesting life.
Grampa: That's a lie and you know it! But I have seen a lot of movies...

Mr. Burns: What do you think, Smithers?
Smithers: I think women and seamen don't mix.
Mr. Burns: We know what you think.

Bart: I've got a story so scary you'll wet your pants.
Grampa: Too late.

Mrs. Krabappel: Bart, do you mean to tell me you read a book intended for preschoolers?
Bart: Well, most of it.

Lisa: Bart! You cast the wrong spell! Zombies!
Bart: Please, Lis. They prefer to be called the living impaired.

Bart: I thought dabbling in the Black Arts would be good for a chuckle. How wrong I was.

Homer cocking a shotgun: To the book depository!

Bart: Dad! You killed the zombie Flanders.
Homer: He was a zombie?

Marge: Well I'm sure glad we didn't turn into mindless zombies.
Bart: Sh! TV.

Waiter: I'm sorry, ma'am, but everything on the menu has fish in it.
Marge: What about the bread, does that have much fish in it?
Waiter: Yes.
Marge: Well, I have some tic-tacs in my purse.
Waiter: Excellent choice.

Lionel Hutz: Mr. Simpson, this the most blatant case of fraudulent advertising since my suit against the film The Never-Ending Story.
Bart: So you think I have a case?
Lionel Hutz: Homer, I don't use the word "hero" very often, but you are the greatest hero in American history.
Bart: Woo hoo!

Moe: Amanda Hugginkiss. Hey, I'm looking for Amanda Hugginkiss. Why can't I find Amanda Hugginkiss?
Barney: Maybe your standards are too high!

Laura (Sara Gilbert): Well Bart, you were right about him.
Bart: As usual, a knife-wielding maniac has shown us the way.

Laura: Hello, I'd like to speak to Ms. Tinkle. First name Ivana.
Moe: Ivana Tinkle. Just a sec. Ivana Tinkle! Ivana Tinkle! All right everybody, put down your glasses. Ivana Tinkle!

Troy McClure: I'm your host Troy McClure. You may remember me from such films as The Erotic Adventures of Hercules and Dial M for Murderousness.

Homer: It may be on a lousy channel, but the Simpsons are on TV.

Homer: So remember! {singing} "Call Mr. Plow, that's my name. That name again is Mr. Plow."

Mayor Quimby: Mr. Plow, for making it possible for people to get to where they're going without resorting to public transportation or carpooling, I give you the key to the city.

Marge: I saved this newspaper from the day Lisa was born.
Lisa: "Mondale to Hart: Where's the beef?"
Bart: "Where's the beef?" What the hell's that supposed to mean?
Homer: Heh heh heh. "Where's the beef." No wonder he won Minnesota.

Marge: Homer! That's dishwashing liquid.
Homer: Yeah, but what are you gonna go?

Mrs. Krabappel: Bart, have you ever read The Boy Who Cried Wolf?
Bart: I'm halfway through it, I swear!

Bart: Oh! My ovaries!

Mr. Burns: Do you think we could dig up Al Jolson?
Smithers: Ah... do you remember we did that once before?
Mr. Burns: Oh that's right, he's dead... and rather pungent. The rest of that night is something I'd like to forget.

Bart: Can't sleep, clown will eat me. Can't sleep, clown will eat me.

Krusty: I personally am going to spit in every fiftieth burger.
Homer: I like those odds.

Dr. Nick: singing The knee bone's connected to the... something. The something's connected to the... red thing. The red thing's connected to my wrist watch... Uh oh.

Homer: Simpson! Homer Simpson! He's the greatest guy in history. From the, Town of Springfield! He's about to hit a chestnut tree! {hits tree}

Smithers: Well sir, where should we dump this batch? The playground?
Mr. Burns: No. All those bald children are arousing suspicion. To the park!

Agent Malone: Some Boy Scouts stumbled on your little game of Hide the Ooze.

Homer: Heh heh heh. Oh Andy Capp, you wife-beating drunk.

Virtual Genghis Khan: Hello Lisa! I'm Genghis Khan. You'll go where I go. Defile what I defile. Eat who I eat!

Lyle Lanley (Phil Hartman): You know a town with money is a little like the mule with a spinning wheel. No one knows how he got it and danged if he knows how to use it. The name's Lanley. Lyle Lanley. And I come before you people tonight with an idea. Probably the greatest— Oh, it's not for you. It's more of a Shelbyville idea.

Marge: But Main Street's still all cracked and broken.
Bart: Sorry, Mom, the mob has spoken.

Lyle Lanley: So then. Mono means one. And rail means rail. And that concludes our intensive three week course.

Marge: Homer, there's a family of possums in here!
Homer: I call the big one Bitey.

Mayor Quimby: Now I'd like to turn things over to our Grand Marshal, Mr. Leonard Nimoy.
Leonard Nimoy: I'd say this vessel could do at least warp five.
Mayor Quimby: And let me say, may the force be with you!
Leonard Nimoy: Do you even know who I am?
Mayor Quimby: I think I do. Weren't you one of the Little Rascals?

Wait a minute. We can just shut off the power.
No such luck. It's solar power.
Solar power. When will people learn.

Leonard Nimoy: A solar eclipse. The cosmic ballet goes on.
Seat Mate: Does anyone want to switch seats?

Homer: Donuts. Is there anything they can't do.

Bart: Dad, you're a hero!
Homer: Yes son. I'm the best mono-thingy guy there ever was.

Bart: Some day I want to be an F-14 military pilot like my hero Tom. Who lent me this new weapon called a neural disruptor.
Mrs. Krabappel: He's not dead, is he, Bart?
Bart: Nah. But I wouldn't give him any homework for awhile.
Mrs. Krabappel: Very good. Thank you, Bart.
Bart: Oh don't thank me. Thank an unprecedented eight year military build-up.

Homer: Hey boy, where are you going?
Bart: Father son picnic.
Homer: Have a good time. {pause} Wait a minute.

I will not call the principal “spud head”.

Lisa: Happy Valentine's.
Ralph: You choo choo choose me?
Lisa: Happy Valentine's.

Ralph: ...The doctor says I wouldn't have so many nose bleeds if I kept my finger out of there.

Homer: I've heard 'em all. "I like you as a friend." "I think we should see other people." "I no speak English..."
Lisa: I get the idea.
Homer: "I'm married to the sea." "I don't want to kill you, but I will."

Homer: And if that doesn't work, six simple words: "I'm not gay. But I'll learn."

Bart: I'll go disguised as you.
Lisa: What if he wants to hold hands?
Bart: I'm prepared to make that sacrifice.
Lisa: What if he wants a kiss?
Bart: I'm prepared to make that sacrifice.
Lisa: What if he—
Bart: You don't want to know how far I'll go.

Chief Wiggum on phone: Uh, Mrs. Simpson, I have some bad news. Your husband was found DOA.
Marge: Oh my god! He's dead?
Chief Wiggum: Oh, I'm sorry. He was DUI. I get those two confused. {hangs up phone}
Woman walking in: My name is Mrs. Phillips. You said my husband was DUI?
Chief Wiggum: Uh... talk to one of those officers over there. I'm going to lunch.

Mud is not one of the 4 food groups

Homer: Where's my burrito! Where's my burrito!

Homer: Hey, what does this job pay?
Carl: Nothin'.
Homer: D'oh!
Carl: Unless you're crooked.
Homer: Woo hoo!

Homer: Sorry, Mr. Burns. But I don't go in for these backdoor shenanigans. Sure I'm flattered, maybe even a little curious. But the answer is no!

Lisa: "So we'll march day and night by the big cooling tower. They have the plants but we have the power."

Mr. Burns: Smithers, I'm beginning to think that Homer Simpson was not the brilliant tactician I thought he was.

Homer: You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine!

Lisa: Like Halloween and Christmas, April Fools Day traces its origins to pagan ritual.
Homer: God bless those pagans.

Lisa: That's as bad as the tasteless Itchy and Sambo cartoons of the late 30s. The writers should be ashamed of themselves.
Bart: Cartoons have writers?
Lisa: Yeah. Sort of.

Lisa: Bart are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Bart: Probably not.

Marge: "Third notice." "Final notice." "Some guys are coming."

Marge: What's this? An invitation to our high school reunion. Gee, that's odd. They didn't send one to you.
Homer's Brain: This is it, Homer. It's time to tell her the terrible secret from your past.
Homer: Marge, I ate those fancy soaps you bought for the bathroom.
Marge: Oh my god!
Homer's Brain: No, the other secret.
Homer: Marge, I never graduated from high school.
Marge: Well that still doesn't explain why you ate my soap. Wait. Maybe it does.

Dondelinger: Alright, here are your exams. Fifty questions. True or false.
Homer: True.
Dondelinger: Homer, I was just describing the test.
Homer: True.
Dondelinger: Look, Homer, just take the test and you'll do fine.
Homer: False.

Homer: Alright, brain. You don't like me and I don't like you. But let's just do this and I can get back to killing you with beer.
Homer's Brain: It's a deal.

Superintendent Chalmers: Seymour, you run a tight ship.
Skinner: Well you know what they say, sir. Where there's no smoke, there's no fire.
Superintendent Chalmers: What an odd remark.

Kent Brockman: First, a look at a local holiday that was called distasteful and puerile by a panel of hillbillies: Whacking Day!
Lisa: Oh no!

Homer: Hey kids, how was school?
Lisa: I learned how many drams in a penny weight.
Bart: I got expelled.
Homer: That's my boy!

Springfield Christian School: We Put the Fun in Fundamentalist Dogma

Troy McClure: I'm Troy McClure, star of such films as P Is for Psycho. And The President's Neck Is Missing

Nick Riviera: Order now and you'll also get Sun-n-Run. The suntan lotion that's also a laxative!

Lionel Hutz: Uh oh. We've drawn Judge Snyder.
Marge: Is that bad?
Lionel Hutz: Well he's had it in for me ever since I kind of ran over his dog.
Marge: You did?
Lionel Hutz: Well replace the word "kind of" with "repeatedly." And the word "dog" with "son."

Bart: Don't worry, Mom. I'll bust you out of there just as soon as I get a cocktail dress and a crowbar.

Homer: Marge, I'm going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex. It's also the food preparation. Your skill with stains of all kinds.

Marge: So how are things at home?
Bart: We flushed the gator down the toilet but it got stuck halfway so now we have to feed it.

Lisa: Krusty! What have you done to yourself?
Krusty: I thought I'd get into shape so I've been drinking nothing but milkshakes.
Lisa: You mean those diet milkshakes?
Krusty: Uh oh.

Krusty: I'm a star again. I don't know how to thank you kids.
Bart: That's okay, Krusty.
Lisa: We're getting fifty percent of the t-shirt sales.
Krusty: What?! That's the sweetest plum!

Homer: Junk ... junk... the airplane's upside down. Stradi-who-vius?

Marge: Your teenage son or daughter will think this wishbone necklace is really cool.
Man: I doubt my son or daughter is that stupid.

Skinner: We need a name that's witty at first. But gets less funny each time you say it.
Apu: How about the Be Sharps?

Homer: "There was nothing in Al Capone's vault. But it wasn't Geraldo's fault."

President Reagan: Damn ceremonies. This is a time I could be working, Mommy.

Bart: What'd you do? Screw up like the Beatles and say you were bigger than Jesus?
Homer: All the time. It was the title of our second album.

The Be Sharps perform on a building rooftop
George Harrison: It's been done.

Mr. Burns: A watchdog of public safety. Is there any lower form of life?

Lisa: "List your three favorite books and how they have influenced your life."
Homer: Is TV Guide a book?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Son of Sniglet?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Katharine Hepburn's Me?
Lisa: No!
Homer: Oh, I suck!

Joey Ramone: Go to hell, you old bastard!
Mr. Burns: Have the Rolling Stones killed.
Smithers: But sir, those aren't—
Mr. Burns: Do as I say!

Bart: Paintings. Lifeless images rendered in colorful goop. But at night, they take on a life of their own. They become portals to Hell, so scary and horrible and gruesome that—
Marge: Bart, you should warn people this episode is very frightening. Maybe they'd rather listen to that old War of the Worlds broadcast on MPR.
Bart: Yes, Mother.
Marge: Good! Now you hold Maggie. I'm going to buy earrings at the gift shop.

Homer: Stay calm. Remember your training. {checks the emergency procedures book} "Dear Homer, I.O.U one emergency donut. Signed Homer." Bastard! He's always one step ahead! I'd sell my soul for a donut.
Devil Flanders: That can be arranged.
Homer: Flanders! You're the Devil?
Devil Flanders: It's always the one you least suspect.

Mr. Burns: Who's that goat-legged fellow? I like the cut of his jib.
Smithers: Prince of Darkness, sir. He's your eleven o'clock.

Devil Flanders: Hey Bart.
Bart: Hey.

Ironic Punishment Division: I don't understand it. James Coburn went mad in fifteen minutes.

Marge: Bart! Stop pestering Satan.

Devil Flanders: I give you the jury of the damned! Benedict Arnold. Lizzie Borden. Richard Nixon.
Nixon: But I'm not dead yet. In fact I just wrote an article for Redbook.
Devil Flanders: Hey listen, I did a favor for you.
Nixon: Yes, master.
Devil Flanders: John Wilkes Booth. Blackbeard the Pirate. John Dillinger. And the starting line of the 1976 Philadelphia Flyers.

Bart checking his sheets: I hope this is sweat.

Homer: Lisa. Vampires are make-believe. Just like elves, gremlins and Eskimos.

Marge: Homer, we have to do something. Today he's drinking people's blood. Tomorrow he could be smoking.

Homer: Kill my boss?! Do I dare live out the American dream?

Troy McClure: Hello. I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such telethons as Out with Gout 88 and Let's Save Tony Bennett's House!

Homer: Marge, this may be hard to believe, but I'm trapped in two vending machines.

Rescuer: Homer, this is never easy to say. We're going to have to saw your arms off.
Homer: They'll grow back, right?
Rescuer: Oh. Yeah.
Homer: Whew!

Rescuer: Homer, are you just holding on to the can?
Homer: Your point being?

Ruth Powers: I envy you and Homer.
Marge: Thank you. Why?
Ruth Powers: If you ever met my ex-husband you'd understand. All he ever did was eat, sleep and drink beer.
Marge: Your point being?

Homer: Moe, get the darts. I wanna play.
Moe: No. We're phasing out the games. People drink less when they're having fun.

Ruth Powers: Marge, you're the levelheaded friend I never had.

Apu: If you survive, please come again!

Bart: Woah! That's good Squishee.

Bart: Okay. We're young, rich and full of sugar. What do we do?
Milhouse: Let's go crazy, Broadway-style!

Milhouse: Hey, don't Bogart that Squishee!
Barney: I don't know where you magic pixies came from, but I like your pixie drink.

Bart: What's done is done. I've made my bed and now I've got to weasel out of it.

Ned: God speed, little doodle.

Ernest Borgnine: Well it sure is lucky we stumbled upon this old abandoned summer camp.

Lenny: Homer, what's the matter?
Carl: Ain't you never seen a naked chick riding a clam before?
Homer: Gotta go! {he rushes out of the room} What the hell was that? I probably shouldn't have eaten that packet of powered gravy I found in the parking lot.

Homer: Moe, I need your advice.
Moe: Yeah?
Homer: See, I got this friend named... Joey Jo Jo... Junior... Shabadoo.
Moe: That's the worst name I ever heard.
Joey runs out of the bar sobbing
Barney: Hey! Joey Jo Jo!

Mindy Simmons (Michelle Pfeiffer): I can see I'm gonna love working with you. Well, gotta go. I want to sneak in a quick nap before lunch.
Homer: Foul temptress! I bet she thinks Ziggy's gotten too preachy too.

Homer: Colonel Klink! Did you ever get my letters?
Colonel Klink (Werner Klemperer): I'm not actually Colonel Klink. I'm just assuming his form.
Homer: Hee hee hee. Did you know Hogan had tunnels all over your camp?
Colonel Klink: Homerrrrr!

Homer: "You will find happiness with a new love." Oh! Even the Chinese are against me. What's the point. I can't fight fate.
Meanwhile in the kitchen
Waiter: Hey, we're out of these new love cookies.
Waiter: Well open up the stick with your wife barrel.

Mindy: What's wrong?
Homer: Oh yeah, like you don't know. We're gonna have sex.
Mindy: Oh. Well, we don't have to.
Homer: Yes we do. The cookie told me so!
Mindy: Well. Desserts aren't always right.
Homer: But they're so sweet.

I will not say “Springfield” just to get applause

Homer: The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side!
Man: That's a right triangle, you idiot!
Homer: D'oh!

Lisa: Dad, you shouldn't wear glasses that weren't prescribed for you!
Homer: Lisa, just because you're ten feet tall doesn't mean you can tell me what to do.
Bart: I'm Bart.

Marge: In honor of legalized gambling, why not go as the state of Nevada?
Lisa: No. Nevada makes my butt look big.

Homer: Remember when I let that escaped lunatic in the house because he was dressed like Santa Claus? Well you have a gambling problem!
Marge: Homer, when you forgive someone you can't throw it back at them like that.
Homer: Aw, what a gyp.

Bart: I know, I'll just do like Lisa and escape into fantasy. {it doesn't work} Damn TV, you've ruined my imagination! Just like you've ruined my ability to, ah...

Homer: You'll have to speak up. I'm wearing a towel.

Krusty: Bart! I need your fingerprints on a candlestick. Meet me in the conservatory, chop chop.

Lisa: This biography of Bart came awfully quickly. It's not even about him!
Bart: Sure it is. Look at the cover.
Lisa: But inside it's mostly about Ross Perot, and the last two chapters are excerpts from the Oliver North trial.
Homer: Ah, Oliver North. He was just poured into that uniform.
Marge: Hm...

Bart: I never thought I'd say this, but shouldn't we be learning something?
Milhouse: Say the line, Bart!

Lisa: And now you can go back to just being you, instead of a one-dimensional character with a silly catchphrase.
Homer breaks lamp: D'oh!
Bart: Aye Carumba!
Marge: Hmmm.
Maggie sucks her pacifier.
Flanders: Hidely-ho.
Barney burps
Nelson: Ha ha!
Burns: Excellent!
They all stare at her.
Lisa: If anyone wants me, I'll be in my room.

Marge: Ooh, Lisa! Is that too spicy for you?
Lisa: I can see through time!
Homer: Stop being such a baby. You can't be afraid to try new things. For instance, tonight I'm using a... Apu, what do you call this thing again?
Apu: A napkin.
Homer: Outrageous!

Homer: Apu, if it makes you feel any better, I've learned that life is just one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.

Lisa: "A hush falls over the General Assembly as Stacy approaches the podium to deliver what will no doubt be a stirring and memorable address."
Malibu Stacy: I wish they taught shopping in school. {Lisa tries again} Let's make some cookies for the boys.
Lisa: Come on, Stacy. I've waited my whole life to hear you speak. Don't you have anything relevant to say?
Malibu Stacy: Don't ask me. I'm just a girl.

Marge: Lisa, ordinarily I'd say you should stand up for what you believe, but you've been doing that an awful lot lately.
Bart: Yeah. You made us march in that gay rights parade.
Homer: And we can't watch FOX because they own those chemical weapon plants in Syria.

Voiceover: Malibu Stacy. America's favorite eight-and-a-half inches.

Lisa: It's awful being a kid. No one listens to you.
Grampa: It's rotten being old. No one listens to you.
Homer: I'm a white male. Age eighteen to forty-nine. Everyone listens to me! No matter how dumb my suggestions are.

Lisa: Excuse me. Ms. Lovell? I'd like to talk to you about Malibu Stacy.
Stacy Lovell (Kathleen Turner): Do you have any idea how many kids have tried to track me down?
Lisa: Am I the first?
Stacy Lovell: ... Yes.

Ms. Lovell: What do you expect me to do?
Lisa: Change what she says. It's your company.
Ms. Lovell: Not since I was forced out in 1974. They said my way of thinking just wasn't cost-effective.
Lisa: That's awful!
Ms. Lovell: Well that and I was funneling profits to the Viet Cong.

Ms. Lovell: You all have hideous hair! {everyone gasps} I mean form a design perspective.

Lisa: You know, if we get through to just that one little girl it'll all be worth it.
Ms. Lovell: Yes. Particularly if that girl happens to pay sixty-four thousand dollars for that one doll.
Lisa: What?
Ms. Lovell: Oh nothing.

Reporter: Toby Hunter, Minneapolis Star. No really, is this a joke?
Scientist: No, Toby, and no more questions about whether this is a joke.

Marge: You know Homer, when I found out about this I went through a wide range of emotions. First I was nervous, then anxious, then wary, then apprehensive, then kinda sleepy, then worried, and then concerned. But now I realize that being a spaceman is something you have to do.
Homer: Who's doing what now?

Organ transplants are best left to the professionals

Homer: Homer, it looks like it could gore.
Marge: Heh heh. It does look like Al Gore.

Marge: I really think this is a bad idea.
Homer: Marge, I agree with you. In theory. In theory, communism works. In theory.

Homer: Now I've had my head in an elephant, a hippo and a giant sloth.

Mrs. Lovejoy: That animal of yours is certainly bad-tempered.
Lisa: Yeah, well you'd be grumpy too if you were taken out of your natural habitat and gawked at by a bunch of slack-jawed yokels.
Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel: Hey Ma! Look at that pointy-hairded little girl!

Lisa: Mr. Blackheart?
Mr. Blackheart: Yes, my pretty?
Lisa: Are you an ivory dealer?
Mr. Blackheart: Little girl, I've had lots of jobs in my day. Whale hunter, seal clubber, president of the FOX Network.

Homer: D'oh!
Lisa: A deer!
Marge: A female deer.

Lisa: Dad! You're sinking!
Marge: Get a rope, Bart.
Homer: Nah, that's okay. I'm pretty sure I can struggle my way out. First I'll just reach in and pull my legs out. {his arms and legs are now stuck} Now I'll pull my arms out with my face.

Mr. Burns: Careful Smithers, that sponge has corners you know!

Homer: You're our last hope, boy.
Bart: I really don't want to be here, Dad! Besides, I started a fire this morning that I really should keep an eye on.

Marge: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Homer: Yeah. Let's push him down the steps.

Mr. Burns: I suggest you get off my lawn.
Homer: Or what? You'll release the dogs. Or the bees. Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark they shoot bees at you? Well go ahead! Do your worst.

Lionel Hutz: I've argued in front of every judge in this state. Often as a lawyer!

Marge: You know, we should really stop hiring him.

I will not celebrate meaningless milestones

Marge: How would you like it if twenty years form now people were laughing at things you did?
Bart: Not likely.

Willie: There's nary an animal alive who can outrun a greased Scotsman.

Milhouse: This is great. Not only am I not learning, I'm forgetting stuff I used to know.

Bart: It's weird, Lis. I miss him as a friend but I miss him even more as an enemy.
Lisa: I think you need Skinner, Bart. Everybody needs a nemesis. Sherlock Holmes had his Dr. Moriarty. Mountain Dew has its Mello Yello. Even Maggie has that baby with the one eyebrow.

Principal Skinner: One question remains: how do I get out of the army?
Bart: No problemo. Just make a pass at your commanding officer.
Principal Skinner: Done and done. And I mean done.

Superindent Chalmers: God has no place within these walls, just like facts have no place within organized religion.

I will not re-transmit without the express permission of Major League Baseball

Marge: Homer, you didn't do a very good job frosting Maggie's birthday cake!
Homer: What? It's not Maggaggie's birthday?

Lisa: Doesn't this family know any songs that aren't commercials?

Troy McClure: Hello, I'm Troy McClure! You might remember me from such films as The Boatjacking of Supership '79 and Hydro: The Man with the Hydraulic Arms.

Marge: What about Abe Simpson? Don't you have any feelings for him?
Mother Simpson: Aw, he's a dear. But he's too much of an old fusspot.
Marge: We're all aware Grampa's problems, but compared to Mr. Burns, he's Judge freakin' Reinhold.
Mother Simpson: I don't know who that is.

Marge: If you feel so bad about yourself there's always things you can do to feel better.
Homer: Take another bath in malt liquor?
Marge: There's that.

Homer: Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain! Remember when I took that home wine-making course and forgot how to drive?
Marge: That's because you were drunk!
Homer: And how.

Homer: Look everyone! Now that I'm a teacher I've sewn patches on my elbows.
Marge: Homer that's supposed to be leather patches on a tweed jacket, not the other way around. You've ruined a perfectly good jacket.
Homer: Incorrect, Marge. Two perfectly good jackets!

Mrs. Krabappel: Marge dyes her hair?
Homer: Oh yeah. She's been as gray as a mule since she was seventeen.

Marge: Homer, I really don't like you telling personal secrets in your class.
Homer: Marge, I didn't tell them personal stuff.
Marge: Today at the Kwik-E-Mart everybody knew I dyed my hair.
Homer: Oh. You mean about you.

Beans are neither fruit nor musical

Lisa: Dad, as you know, we've been swimming. And we've developed a taste for it. We both agree that getting our own pool is the only way to go. Now before you respond, you must understand that your refusal would result in months and months of, "Can we have a pool, Dad? Can we have a pool, Dad? Can we have a pool, Dad? Can we have a pool, Dad?"
Homer: I understand. Let us celebrate our new arrangement by the adding of chocolate to milk.

Marge: Bart, are all these children friends of yours?
Bart: Friends and well-wishers, yes.

Milhouse: Hey Nelson, he's really hurt. I think he broke his leg.
Nelson: I said, "Ha ha."

Marge: Maybe we should spend more time with Bart. He's becoming isolated and weird.

Flanders: I wish there was some other explanation for this, but there isn't. I'm a murderer. I'm a murderer!
Bart: Then that's not the real Ned Flanders.
Flanders: I'm a murder-diddly-urdler!
Bart: If that's not Flanders, he's done his homework.

Bart: He's gonna kill Rod and Todd, too. That's horrible! {pause} In principle.

Lisa's Brain: They're only using you for your pool, you know.
Lisa: Shut up, brain! I've got friends now. I don't need you anymore.

I will not use abbrev.

Marge: I want us to deal with the issues raised by this book. {Homer seems thoughtful, then tosses it into the fire}. I knew we shouldn't have put a fireplace in the bedroom.

Lisa: Mom, romance is dead. It was acquired in a hostile takeover by Hallmark and Disney, homogenized, and sold off piece by piece.

I am not the reincarnation of Sammy Davis Jr.

Homer: I'm taking a shortcut.
Marge: Homer, no. You're gonna get lost.
Homer: Trust me, Marge! With today's modern cars you can't get lost. What with all the silicon chips and such. {after the shortcut} Alright, we're here. Let us never speak of the shortcut again.

Marge: I'm so embarrassed I wish there was a hole I could just crawl into and die.
Storm Trooper: Okay, throw her in the hole!

Homer: But Marge, I was a political prisoner!
Marge: How were you a political prisoner?
Homer: I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do I have to draw you a diagram?!

Sideshow Bob: Attempted murder. Honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel Prize for "attempted chemistry"?

Sideshow Bob: That was a big mistake, Bart. No children have ever meddled with the Republican party and lived to tell about it.

Bart: Oh my god! The dead have risen and they're voting Republican!

Lionel Hutz: Mr. Mayor, is it true you rigged the election?
Sideshow Bob: No.
Lionel Hutz: Kids, help.

Marge: Hello once again. As usual, I must warn you all that this year's Halloween show is very, very scary, and those of you with young children may want to send them off for bed. {reading} Oh my! It seems the show is so scary that Congress won't even let us show it. Instead they've suggested the 1947 classic Glenn Ford movie, 200 Miles to Oregon.

Mr. Burns: That's odd. Usually the blood gets off on the second floor.

Willie thinking: Go easy on the wee one. His father's gonna go crazy and chop 'em all into haggis.
Bart: What's haggis?
Willie: You read my thoughts. You've got the shinning!
Bart: You mean "shining."
Willie: Shh! You want to get sued?

Homer: So what do you think, Marge? All I need is a title. I was thinking along the lines of "No TV and no beer make Homer... something something."
Marge: Go crazy?
Homer: Don't mind if I do!

Marge on a CB radio: Hello, police? This is Marge Simpson. My husband's on a murderous rampage. Over.
Chief Wiggum: Oh. Well thank god that's over. I was afraid there for a second.

Homer: Television! Teacher. Mother. Secret lover.

I will not send lard through the mail

Bart: That's no fair, Nelson. They didn't have the Kill-matic 3000 back then.
Nelson: Hey! Records from that era are spotty at best.

Lisa: I just think you and Jessica are too different from each other to get along. She's a sweet, kind reverend's daughter and you're the Devil's Cabana Boy.

Willie: The kilt was only for day-to-day wear. For battle, we donned a full length ball gown covered in sequins. The idea was to blind your opponent with luxury!

Mrs. Lovejoy: I didn't know rocket sled was an Olympic event.
Bart: Well no offense, lady, but what you don't know could fill a warehouse.

Marge: I guess we could get more involved in Bart's activities but then I'd be afraid of smothering him.
Homer: Yeah. And then we'd get the chair.
Marge: That's not what I meant.
Homer: It was, Marge. Admit it.

Bart: Jessica, I don't think we should hang out anymore. You're turning me into a criminal when all I want to be is a petty thug.

Ralph: Me fail English? That's unpossible!

I will not whittle hall passes out of soap

Marge: Homer, are all these pockets necessary?
Homer: They wouldn't be if you were willing to sit in the hollowed out wheelchair.

Homer: I feel like a kid in some kind of a store.

Security: You're going to have to put some sugar on that celery or get out, ma'am.

Protestors: We're not crazy about nuclear power either!

Homer: Marge. Kids. Everything's going to be just fine. Now go upstairs and pack your bags. We're going to start a new life... under the sea.

News Presenter: Simpson Scandal update: Homer sleeps nude in an oxygen tent which he believes gives him sexual powers.
Homer: Hey! That's a half-truth.

Lisa: Sorry, Dad. We do believe in you, we really do.
Bart: It's just hard not to listen to TV. It's spent so much more time raising us than you have.
Homer: Maybe TV is right. TV's always right.

Lisa: You need a forum where they don't even know the meaning of entertainment: public access television.

Marge: There are only forty-nine stars on that flag.
Grampa: I'll be deep in the cold cold ground before I recognize Missourah!

Marge: You know the courts might not work anymore, but as long as everyone is videotaping everyone else justice will be done!

Homer: Come on, guys. This bar is like a tavern to me.

Adding "just kidding" doesn't make it okay to insult the principal

Homer: Why don't those stupid idiots let me in their stupid club for jerks?

Marge: Homer don't start stalking people again! It's so... illegal.

Grampa: Let's see... I'm an Elk, a Mason, a Communist... I'm the president of the Gay and Lesbian Alliance for some reason. Ah, here it is! The Stonecutters.

Number One (Patrick Stewart): Welcome to the club, Number 908. You have joined the Sacred Order of the Stonecutters, who since ancient times have split the rocks of ignorance that obscure the light of knowledge and truth. Now let's all get drunk and play ping pong!

Who controls the British crown / Who keeps the metric system down
We do! We do!
Who leaves Atlantis off the maps / Who keeps the martians under wraps
We do! We do!
Who holds back the electric car / Who makes Steve Guttenberg a star
We do! We do!
Who robs cave fish of their sight / Who rigs every Oscar night
We do! We do!

Number One: Homer Simpson, for your continuing and baffling desecration of our beloved sacred parchment, you are hereby banished from the Stonecutters forever.

Marge: You know, you are a member of a very exclusive club.
Homer: Black Panthers?
Marge: No!

"Bagman" is not a legitimate career choice

Al: Show up tomorrow, bring three rags. Oh and, ah, change your pants.
Homer: Why?
Al: When it happens, you'll know.

Mr. Burns: It's company policy to give you the plague.
Smithers: Uh sir, that's the plaque.

Cursive writing does not mean what I think it does

Skinner: Because you have impeded science you must now aid science. Yes. Starting tomorrow you will assist me with my amateur astronomy. Taking down coordinates, carrying equipment and so forth. Four-thirty in the morning.
Bart: There's a four-thirty in the morning now?

Grampa: Sounds like the doomsday whistle. Ain't been blowed for nigh on to three years.
Jasper: Trouble abrewin'.

Kent Brockman: I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Democracy simply doesn't work.

Kent Brockman: Now, over the years a newsman learns a number of things that for one reason or another he just cannot report. It doesn't seem to matter now, so... the following people are gay.

Let's go burn down the observatory so this will never happen again!

Bart: What's really amazing is that this is exactly what Dad said would happen.
Lisa: Yeah, Dad was right.
Homer: I know, kids. I'm scared too.

Next time it could be me on the scaffolding

Homer: Clown college. You can't eat that.

Krusty: Now. When the wealthy dowager comes in the party's over right? Wrong! {he slams a pie in her face}
Homer writing: "Kill wealthy dowager".

Homer: Who am I clowning? I have no business being a clown. I'm leaving the clowning business to all the other clowns in the clowning business.

Marge: I'm not saying it won't work, I'm just saying it's dishonest.
Homer: Well if we agree then why are we arguing?!

Homer: Burkina Faso? Disputed Zone? Who called all these weird places?
Homer's Brain: Quiet. It might be you! I can't remember.
Homer: No, I'm going to ask Marge.
Homer's Brain: No, no! Why embarrass us both? Just write a check and I'll release some more endorphins.

Bart: Hey guys, just so you don't hear any wild rumors, I'm being indicted for fraud in Australia.
Homer: Phpt. That's no reason to block the TV.

About the Yahoo Serious Festival
Lisa: I know those words, but that sign makes no sense.

Marge: You'll just have to find some other country to have relations with.

Homer: Oh boy, this is the life. Boy, next summer can you commit some sort of fraud in Orlando, Florida?
Bart: I'm way ahead of you, Dad.

Marge: I'm glad you're okay, honey. But I wish you'd chosen a more tasteful to be patriotic.
Lisa: I'm impressed you were able to write so legibly on your own butt.

Homer: My ears are burning.
Lisa: I wasn't talking about you, Dad.
Homer: No, my ears are really burning. I wanted to see inside, so I lit a Q-tip.

Bart: Look Boris, I think Ballet is for sissies.
Madame: Ballet is for the strong, the fierce, the determined! But for the Sissies? Never! Now. Put on this fuschiatard. You are a fairy.

Madame: Is something wrong, Mr Simpson?
Bart: I don't like wearing tights. ma'am.
Madame: But so many of your heroes wear tights. Batman for example... And... Magellan.

Supervisor: Wait a minute. Those are yours sir?
Homer: Yes. I am in flavor country.
Supervisor: Both of them?
Homer: It's a big country.
Supervisor: Ladies, I apologize. And you, sir, are worse than Hitler.

I will not strut around like I own the place

Hugh Parkfield (Mandy Patinkin): I can't believe how much we have in common. We're both studying the environment, we're both utterly humorless about our vegetarianism, and we both love the Rolling Stones.
Lisa: Yes. Not for their music, but for their tireless efforts to preserve historic buildings.

Lisa: Hi Mom!
Marge: Lisa! Hello! How are you doing in England? Remember, an elevator is called a lift, a mile is called a kilometer, and botulism is called steak and kidney pie.

Marge: You know, FOX turned into a hardcore sex channel so gradually I didn't even notice.

Lisa: Mom, I feel kind of funny wearing white. I mean... Milhouse.
Marge: Oh, Milhouse doesn't count.

Homer: Little Lisa. Lisa Simpson. You know I always felt you were the best thing my name got attached to.

Lisa: Wow. Now that I know all this is there any way to change the future?
Fortuneteller: No. But try to look surprised.

Lisa: I thought you said you'd tell me about my true love.
Fortuneteller: Oh, you'll have a true love. But I specialize in foretelling the relationships where you get jerked around.

Bart: Oh please. This is senseless destruction with none of my usual social commentary.

Announcer: Your cable television is experiencing difficulties. Please do not panic. Resist the temptation to read or talk to loved ones. Do not attempt sexual relations, as years of TV radiation have left your genitals withered and useless.
Wiggum checking: Well I'll be damned.

Bart: Me and Santa's Little Helper used to be a team. But he never wants to play anymore since his bitch moved in.
Marge: Bart! Don't ever say that word again!
Bart: Well that's what she is. I looked it up.
Marge: Well I'm going to write the dictionary people and have that checked.

Burns: singing Some men hunt for sport, others hunt for food. The only thing I'm hunting for... is an outfit that looks good.
sung to "Be Our Guest"
See my vest, see my vest, made from real gorilla chest.
Feel this sweater, there's no better than authentic Irish Setter.
See this hat? 'Twas my cat. My eveningwear? Vampire bat.
These white slippers are albino African endangered rhino.
Grizzly bear underwear. Turtles' necks, I've got my share.
Beret of poodle on my noodle it shall rest.
Try my red robin suit, it comes one breast or two.
See my vest! See my vest! See my vest!
Like my loafers? Former gophers! It was that or skin my chauffeurs.
But a greyhound fur tuxedo would be best.
So let's prepare these dogs
Maid: Kill two for matching clogs!
Burns: See my vest! See my vest! Oh please won't you see my vest! {he finishes the song} I really like my vest.
Smithers: I gathered that.

Mr. Burns: I'll be taking my puppies back.
Lisa: But they're ours, you stole them from us!
Mr. Burns hands her a cell phone: Here's a phone. Call somebody who cares.
Lisa dials 9-1— Give me that!

I do not have power of attorney over first graders

Bart: Uh. I think I got your lunch. {he holds up a "I am very proud of you." note}
Lisa: Oh yeah. I didn't think this was for me. {"Be good. For the love of God, please be good."}

Lisa: Oh my god! I'm losing my perspicacity.
Homer: Well it's always in the last place you look.

Marge: I'm worried about the kids, Homie. Lisa's becoming very obsessive. This morning I caught her trying to dissect her own rain coat.
Homer: I know. And this perpetual motion machine she made today is a joke. It just keeps going faster and faster.

Homer: In this house we obey the laws of thermodynamics!

Willie: Bonjour, ye cheese-eatin' surrender monkeys!

Brockman: Krusty the Klown staged a press conference today to defend himself against charges that his products are unsafe, his theme parks is a death trap and that he's marketing videos of Tonya Harding's wedding night.
Krusty: And I contend that those tourists were decapitated before they entered the Krustyland House of Knives.

Lisa: What happened to Mr. Murphy?
Nurse: I'm sorry, he passed away.

Moleman: Hello. This is Moleman in the Morning. Good Moleman to you.

Bleeding Gums Murphy: You made an old Jazz man happy, Lisa.

Lisa: I don't want you to go.
Bleeding Gums Murphy: Sorry, but I have to. Goodbye.
Lisa: Goodbye.
Bleeding Gums Murphy reappearing: Oh, what the heck! Once more from the top.

The first amendment does not cover burping

Marge: Homer, will you please help me make a big deal of this.

Marge: Whatever happened to good old fashioned town pride?
Lisa: It's been going downhill ever since the lake caught fire.

Marge: This is a Springfield Isotopes hat. When you wear it, you're wearing Springfield. When you eat a fish from our river, you're eating Springfield. When you make lemonade from our trees, you're drinking Springfield!
Bart: Mom, when you give that lecture, you're boring Springfield.

Milhouse: We've squozen our whole supply. To the lemon tree!

Marge: This is my fault. I tried to teach Bart about town pride. But the power of my words filled him with some sort of madness.

Shelbyvillian: We just got word there's Springfield kids in town.
Bart in disguise: Curse those handsome devils!

Milhouse: So this is what it feels like when doves cry.

Smithers: Principal Skinner, this is your secretary. There is one last student here to see you.
Principal Skinner: That's odd. I don't have a secretary. Or an intercom.

Burns: I want that oil well. I've got a monopoly to maintain. I own the electric company. And the waterworks. Plus the hotel on Baltic Avenue.
Principal Skinner: That hotel's a dump and your monopoly's pathetic.

Burns: Pish posh. It'll be like taking candy from a baby. Hey, that sounds like a larf. Let's try it now.

Barney: These fumes aren't as fun as beer. Sure, I'm all dizzy and nauseous, but where's the inflated sense of self-esteem?

I will not complain about the solution when I hear it

Kent Brockman: Dozens of people are gunned down each day in Springfield, but until now none of them was important.

Lisa: Everyone in Springfield had a reason to shoot Mr. Burns. Even us. Bart, he broke your dog's leg. Grampa, he destroyed your home. And Dad, well, you kinda went a little berserk when he couldn't remember your name.
Bart: Aren't we forgetting someone? Sister Suspect?
Lisa: I was just getting to me. Because of Mr. Burns they cancelled my Jazz program and my friend Tito Fuente got fired.

Smithers: This isn't a rival company you're battling with, it's a school. People won't stand for it.
Mr. Burns: Pish posh. It'll be like taking candy from a baby, and— Say! That sounds like a larf.

Sideshow Mel: At the town meeting he mentioned that he watched Comedy Central. I made sure to note that as it seemed quite unusual.

Smithers: Thank god. Sir, I only hope you can forgive me for shooting your wooden leg.
Jasper: You shot who in the what now?

Eddie: Do you hold a grudge against Montgomery Burns?
Moe: No! *buzz* Alright, maybe I did, but I didn't shoot him. *ding*
Eddie: Checks out. Okay, sir, you're free to go.
Moe: Good, 'cause I got a hot date tonight. *buzz* A date. *buzz* Dinner with a friend. *buzz* Dinner alone. *buzz* Watching TV alone. *buzz* Alright! I'm going to sit at home and ogle the ladies in the Victoria's Secret catalog. *buzz* Sears catalog. *ding* Now would you unhook this already, please! I don't deserve this kind of shabby treatment! *buzz*

Chief Wiggum: Homer Simpson, you're under arrest for attempted murder.
Homer: D'oh!
Chief Wiggum: Yeah, that's what they all say. They all say, "d'oh."

Mr. Burns: The old axiom was misleading. Taking the candy was exceedingly difficult.

Mr. Burns: Arrest the baby!
Chief Wiggum: Yeah right, Pops. No jury in the world is going to convict a baby. Mm... maybe Texas.

"Bewitched" does not promote Satanism

Studio Exec: I don't see why Rainier Wolfcastle should be the star. I think we should bring back Dirk Richter. Kids will want to see the original Radioactive Man.
Studio Exec: I keep telling you, he's 73 years old. And he's dead.

Bart to applause: Thank you. It's all in the delivery. "Now is the winter of our discontent."
Ralph: Oh no! Run!

Bart: George Burns was right. Show business is a hideous bitch goddess.
Lisa: Cheer up, Bart. Milhouse is still gonna need a true friend. Someone to tell him he's great, someone to rub lotion on him. Someone he can hurl whiskey bottles at when he's feeling low.

Director: Fallout Boy will untie Radioactive Man and pull him to safety, moments before he's hit with a forty-foot wall of sulfuric acid that will horribly burn everything in its path. Now that's real acid so I want to see goggles, people!
Rainier Wolfcastle: Real acid?
Director: Okay, roll film! Tip the acid vats and... action!
Radioactive Man: Only Fallout Boy can save me now.
Director: Where's Fallout Boy? Fallout Boy!
Rainier Wolfcastle: Uh oh. {the acid hits him} My eyes! The goggles do nothing!

No one wants to hear from my armpits

Ned: Welcome to your new home, neglecterinos!

Maude: I don't judge Homer and Marge. That's for a vengeful god to do.

Marge: Can you see them?
Homer: I can see Lisa, but it might be a starfish.

Homer: Okay, I'm never going to win Father of the Year. In fact, I'm probably the last guy in the world who should have kids... wait, can I start again? Fathering children is the best part of my day. I'd do anything for Bart and Lisa.
Judge: And Margaret?
Homer: Who? Lady, you got the wrong file.
Marge: It's Maggie.
Homer: Oh! Maggie. I've got nothing against Maggie.

I am not a lean mean spitting machine

Bart: Come on, Milhouse. There's no such thing as a soul. It's just something they made up to scare kids. Like the boogeyman or Michael Jackson.

Bart: There you go. One soul.
Milhouse: Pleasure doing business with you.
Bart: Any time, chummmmmmm... p.

Jimbo: Way to breathe, No-breath.

Lisa: Pablo Neruda said, "Laughter is the language of the soul."
Bart: I am familiar with the works of Pablo Neruda.

Marge: It feels almost feels like you're missing something. Something important.
Bart: Like I didn't have a soul?
Marge: Oh honey, you're not a monster.

Kirk van Houten: Milhouse give him back his soul! I've got work tomorrow.

Lisa: But you know Bart, some philosophers believe that nobody is born with a soul. That you have to earn one through suffering and thought and prayer. Like you did last night.

Bart: singing You don't win friends with salad! You don't win friends with salad!

Homer: I've got the prescription for you, Doctor. Another hot beef injection?

Ralph: Ms. Hoover, my worm slipped into my mouth. Can I have another one?
Ms. Hoover: No, Ralph. There aren't anymore. Why don't you go to sleep while the other children are learning.
Ralph: Oh boy! Sleep! That's where I'm a Viking!

Mr. Burns: I think I'll donate a million dollars to charity... when pigs fly!
A pig flies past the window
Smithers: Will you be donating that million dollars now, sir?
Mr. Burns: Eh, I'd still rather not.

Homer: Ah, the Neon Mile. Where value wears a neon sombrero and there's not a single church or library to offend the eye. {sees the Lard Lad} There it is! The chain that put the fat in fat Southern sheriffs.

Bart on the Devil's shoulder: What are you waiting for? Wreck the school. You know you wanna. I agree! Wreck the school.

Homer: He came to life. Good for him.

Homer: Don't you ever get tired of being wrong all the time?
Marge: Sometimes.

Ad Man: Advertising is a funny thing. If you stop paying attention to it, pretty soon it goes away.
Lisa: Like that old woman who couldn't find the beef?
Ad Man: Exactly!

Ad Man: Well it'll sound a lot better coming out of Paul Anka.

Kent Brockman: Even as I speak, the scourge of advertising could be heading toward your town. Lock our doors, bar your windows. Because the next advertisement you see could destroy your house and eat your family!
Homer: We'll be right back.

Mrs. Krabappel: Remember class, the worse you do on this standardized test, the more funding the school gets. So don't knock yourselves out.

Marge: Kids, it's time we told you the true story and put your fears to rest. It's the story of murder and revenge from beyond the grave.

Homer: "Do not touch Willie". Good advice.

Bart: Wait a minute, if you're here then you've fallen asleep too!
Lisa: I'm not asleep. I'm just resting my eye— Uh oh.
Bart: Goodbye, Bart!
Lisa: Goodbye, Lis. I hope you get reincarnated as someone who can stay awake for fifteen minutes.

Homer: Well it's my house so it's my spot.
Bart: Nuh unh, 'cause we called it.
Homer: Did not.
Lisa: Well we're calling it now.
Homer: You are?
Bart: 'Fraid so.
Homer: Oh! They got me with their legal mumbo jumbo.

Homer: That's weird. It's like something out of that twilight-y show about that zone.

Marge: Homer, where are you?
Homer: Uh, I'm somewhere where I don't know where I am.
Marge: Do you see towels? If you see towels you're probably in the linen closet again.

Homer: Mmmm... unprocessed fish sticks.

Homer: Man, this place looks expensive. I feel like I'm wasting a fortune just standing here.

Marge: Bart, what happened?
Bart: Well we hit a little snag when the universe sort of collapsed on itself. But Dad seemed cautiously optimistic.
Homer: Crap!!!!!!!!!!!!

Homer: Oh my god. This is the worst place yet. {walking along} Oo! Erotic cakes.

Dr. Hibbert: My god, that's monstrous! I've never heard of anything so negligent. I'll have no part of it.
Homer: Can you recommend a doctor that will?
Dr. Hibbert: Yes.

Dr. Nick: You'll want to focus on the neglected food groups. Such as the whipped group, the congealed group and the chocotastic!
Homer: What can I do to speed the whole thing up, Doctor?
Dr. Nick: Be creative. Instead of making sandwiches with bread, use pop tarts. Instead of chewing gum, chew bacon.

Lisa: Mom, were you ever planning to step in and put a stop to this?
Marge: Normally your father's crackpot schemes fizzle out as soon he finds something good on TV. But this season...

Homer: Hee hee hee. I pity those poor suckers on the freeway. Gas break honk. Gas break honk. Honk honk punch. Gas gas gas.

Homer: All this computer hacking is making me thirsty.

Homer: Shame on all of you! Give me my dignity. I just came here to see Honk If You're Horny in peace.
Theater Manager: Sir. Just quiet down. I'd be happy to treat you to a garbage bag full of popcorn.

Mr. Burns: Push out the jive. Bring in the love.

Mr. Burns: Homer, your bravery and quick thinking has turned a potential Chernobyl into a mere Three Mile Island.

Homer: Oh! Why does my death keeping coming back to haunt me!

Lisa: This is so weird. It's like something out of Dickens. Or Melrose Place.

Joe Friday: Are you trying to stall us or are you just senile?
Grampa: A little from column A, a little from column B.

Mona Simpson: Remember, whatever happens you have a mother and she's truly proud of you.

Troy McClure: Hello, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such FOX Network specials as Alien Nosejob. And Five Fabulous Weeks of the Chevy Chase Show. Tonight we're here to honor America's favorite non-prehistoric cartoon family.

I will only do this once a year

The Simpsons Trivia:
In the opening credits, what does the cash register say when Maggie is scanned?
The cash register says, NRA4EVER. Just one of the hundreds of radical right wing messages inserted into every show by creator Matt Groening.

Troy McClure: Yes, the Simpsons have come a long way since an old drunk made humans out of his rabbit characters to pay off his gambling debts. Who knows what adventures they'll have between now and the time the show becomes unprofitable.

Announcer: It's a Krusty Kinda Kristmas. Brought to you by ILG, selling your body's chemicals after you die. And by Lil' Sweetheart Cupcakes, a subsidiary of ILG.

Lisa: Hey, I thought Krusty was Jewish.
Bart: Christmas is a time when people of all religions come together to worship Jesus Christ.

Marge: Those games cost up to and including seventy dollars. And they're violent and they distract you from your schoolwork.
Bart: Those are all good points. The problem is they don't result in me getting the game.

Milhouse: This is great, and all I've done is enter my name. Thrillhouse! {cut to the screen reading Thrillho}

Troy McClure: Hi. I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such public service videos as, Designated Drivers: The Life-saving Nerds and Phony Tornado Alarms Reduce Readiness. I'm here today to give you the skinny on shoplifting. Thereby completely my plea bargain with the good people of Footlocker: Beverly Hills.

Homer: How could you?! Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain What's-his-name? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun!? Well, I didn't hear anybody laughing! Did you!? Except at that guy who made sound effects. {Makes sound effects and laughs}. Where was I? Oh yeah. Stay out of my booze!

Lisa: Mom, this fake snow is making me dizzy.
Marge: We're almost finished. There's just a little bit of green left.

I am not certified to remove asbestos

Marge: No, I will not pay you five hundred dollars for sex.
Homer: Oh come on, Marge! You're getting something in return and I'm getting a bowling team. It's win-win.
Marge: It's sick! And iI don't have that kind of money to spend on sex.

Bart: Mom! My slingshot doesn't fit in these pockets. And these shorts leave nothing to the imagination. These uniforms suck.
Marge: Bart! Where do you pick up words like that?
Homer on the phone: Yeah, Moe. That team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked. I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked.
Marge: Homer! Watch your mouth.
Homer to Moe: I gotta go. My damn wiener kids are listening.
Lisa: We are not wieners!
Homer: Then what are you dressed like that for?

Moe: Call this an unfair generalization if you must, but old people are no good at everything.

Homer: I guess some people never change. Or, they quickly change and then quickly change back.

Marge: Can we get rid of this Ayatollah t-shirt? Khomeni died years ago.
Homer: But Marge, it works on any Ayatollah! Ayatollah Nakhbadeh, Ayatollah Zahedi... Even as we speak, Ayatollah Razmara and his cadre of fanatics are consolidating their power!

Disco Stu about the DISCO STU jacket: Hey, Disco Stu doesn't advertise.

President Bush: That guy's louder than World War II. Ray, go see what the rhubarb is, will ya?

Krusty's Cayman Islands Banker: I'm sorry. I can't divulge information about that customer's secret illegal account. Oh, crap. I shouldn't have said he was a customer. Oh, crap. I shouldn't have said it was a secret. Oh, crap. I certainly shouldn't have said it was illegal. Ah, it's too hot today.

Homer: Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night.

Homer: You suck-diddly-uck, Flanders!

Mrs. Krabappel: Embiggens? I never heard that word before moving to Springfield.
Miss Hoover: I don't know why, it's a perfectly cromulent word.

Homer: You're always right about this sort of thing. and for once I want in on the ground floor.

Lisa: Miss Hoover didn't believe me. She called me a PC thug!
Homer: Well I've been called a greasy thug too. And it never stops hurting.

Hollis Hurlbut: It's just as phony as the Howard Hughes will, the Hitler Diaries. Or the Emancipation Retraction.

Hollis Hurlbut: Now get out! You're banned from this historical society! You and your children, and your children's children! ... For three months.

Moe: Homer, I support most any prejudice you can name, but your herophobia sickens me. You and your daughter ain't welcome here anymore. Barney, show them the exit.
Barney: There's an exit?

Mayor Quimby: Can't we have one meeting that doesn't end with us digging up a corpse?

Principal Skinner: Regardless of who said it, a noble spirit embiggens the smallest man.

Homer: I think Mr. Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work harder when I'm around.

Smithers: I realize caring for Mr. Burns seems like a big job, but technically it's just twenty-eight hundred small jobs.

Burns: Donuts? I told you, I don't like ethnic food!

Homer: Here are your messages: "You have thirty minutes to move your car." "You have ten minutes." "Your car has been impounded." "Your car has been crushed into a cube." "You have thirty minutes to move your cube."

Lisa: Dad, what's a muppet?
Homer: Well, it's not quite a mop, and it's not quite a puppet, but man... {laughs, then pauses}. So, to answer you question, I don't know.
Bart: Why did they make that one muppet out of leather?
Marge: That's not a puppet, that's Troy McClure.

Wiggum: I'm seeing stars here!
Troy McClure: No, just one. Hi. I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such films as The Greatest Story Ever Hula'ed and They Came to Burgle Carnegie Hall.

Waiter: Please, don't smoke in our restaurant. We don't serve contemporary Californian cuisine in your lungs.

Macarthur Parker (Jeff Goldblum): Ever hear of The Planet of the Apes?
Troy McClure: Ah... the movie or the planet?

Troy McClure: "I hate every ape I see, from chimpan-ay to chimpan-zee."

Selma: Are you gay?
Troy McClure: Gay? I wish! If I were gay there'd be no problem. No, what I have is a romantic abnormality. One so unbelievable that it must be hidden from the public at all costs.

Homer: I'm sorry. I guess watching me isn't any more exciting than being me.

The boys go to see Naked Lunch
Nelson: I can think of at least two things wrong with that title.

Homer: You made it! Did you have any trouble getting past the security guard?
Lisa: Security guard?

Homer: Sleeping bags on the floor, a roaring fire. It'll be just like the time they kicked me out of the sporting goods store.

Homer: Hello. I'd like to speak to a Mr. Snotball. First name Ura.
Moe: Ura Snotball?
Homer: What? How dare you! If I find out who this is I'll staple a flag to your butt and mail you to Iran!

Homer: Hello, Oakridge. This is Springfield Nuclear. We need to order a... T-437 Safety Command Console.
Oakridge: Springfield, my computer shows your T-437 is fully operational. I suggest you— {Homer casually pours a soda on it}. Oh my god! Oh god no! Oh this can't be happening! You're operating without a T-437, Springfield! Oh sweet mother of mercy! I mean, my god!

Bart: Grampa! I don't mind when you spit at home, but I have to work with these people.

Grampa Simpson: Now my story begins in nineteen-dickety-two. We had to say "dickety" 'cause the Kaiser had stolen our word "twenty."

Mr. Burns: Well Simpson, seven gone. As soon as you're in your pressboard coffin I'll be the sole survivor and the treasure will be mine.
Grampa Simpson: Over my dead body it will!
Mr. Burns: That's exactly the point.

Bart: Hey Mr. Burns, can I go with you to get the treasure? I won't eat much and I don't know the difference between right and wrong.

Kent Brockman: A large bear-like animal—most likely a bear—has wandered down from the hills in search of food or perhaps employment.

Homer: I'm sick of these constant bear attacks. It's like a freakin' Country Bear Jamboroo around here.

Unruly Mob: We're here! We're queer! We don't want anymore bears!

Aide: Sir, there's an unruly mob to see you.
Quimby: Does it have an appointment.
Aide: Ah, yes it does.
Skinner: I phoned ahead!

Apu: I wish I could have stayed just one more year or two. There was so much I wanted to see and to do and to have done to me.

Wiggum: Okay, guys, here's the order of deportations. First we'll be rounding up your tired. And then your poor. And then your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.
Lou: Breathers. Got it.

Tester: Okay, here's your last question. What was the cause of the Civil War?
Apu: Actually there were numerous causes. Aside from the obvious schism between abolitionists and anti-abolitionists, economic factors both domestic and international played a significant—
Tester: Just say slavery.
Apu: Slavery it is, sir.

Grampa: I used to be with it, but then they changed what "it" was. Now, what I'm with isn't it, and what's "it" seems weird and scary to me.

Corgan: Billy Corgan, Smashing Pumpkins.
Homer: Homer Simpson, smiling politely.

Tech guy: Who is playing with the London Symphony Orchestra? Come on people, somebody ordered the London Symphony Orchestra... possibly while high. Cypress Hill, I'm looking in your general direction.
Cypress Hill: Yo, did we order the London Symphony?

Homer: So I realized that being with my family is more important than being cool.
Bart: Dad, what you just said was powerfully uncool.
Homer: You know what the song says: "It's hip to be square."
Lisa: That song is so lame.
Homer: So lame that it's... cool?
Bart and Lisa: No.
Marge: Am I cool, kids?
Bart and Lisa: No.
Marge: Good. I'm glad. And that's what makes me cool—not caring, right?
Bart and Lisa: No.
Marge: Well, how the hell do you be cool? I feel like we've tried everything here.
Homer: Wait, Marge. Maybe if you're truly cool, you don't need to be told you're cool.
Bart: Well, sure you do.
Lisa: How else would you know?

Yearbook Office: Immortalizing Your Awkward Phase

Student: The leatherolian covers were worth the extra money. You call smell the benzene!
Daisy: When the kids see these layouts and fonts you're going to be the most popular girl in school!
Lisa: You know something, Daisy, I think you're right.

Lisa: I don't get. Straight A's, perfect attendance, bathroom timer. I should be the most popular girl in school.

Ned: Homer, I'm in a rhubarb of a pickle of a jam here.

Marge: Well, did you call one of your friends?
Lisa: Friends? Ha! These are my only friends. Grown-up nerds like Gore Vidal. And even he's kissed more boys than I ever will.
Marge: Girls, Lisa. Boys kiss girls.

Homer: Somebody's travelling light.
Lisa: Eh. Maybe you're getting stronger.
Homer: Well. I have been eating more.

Welcome to Little Pwagmattasquarmsettport

Lisa: I don't see any kids at all. It's like they ditched me in advance.

Erin (Christina Ricci): You like hanging out too?
Lisa: Well it beats doing stuff.
Erin: Yeah. Doing stuff sucks.

Homer trying to casually buy illegal fireworks: Let me have one of those porno magazines... large box of condoms, bottle of Old Harper... a couple of those panty shields, and some illegal fireworks, and one of those disposable enemas... Nah, make it two.
Later...
Marge seeing Homer's purchases: Gee. I don't know what you've got planned for tonight, Homer, but count me out. Didn't you buy any meat?
Homer: Heh heh. This baby's sure to kill something.

Li'l Valu-Mart Worker: Celebrate the independence of your nation by blowing up a small part of it.

Lisa: Does this mean you still want to be friends, even though I tried to cover up my nerdish... leanings?

Marge: You went into the attic? I'm very disappointed and terrified.

Dr. Hibbert: You don't forget a thing like Siamese twins!
Lisa: I believe they prefer to be called "conjoined twins."
Dr. Hibbert: And hillbillies prefer "sons of the soil." But it ain't gonna happen.

Lisa: My god, I've created life!
Marge: Lisa! Breakfast. We're having waffles.
Lisa: Oo! Waffles!

Lisa: Wait. One of them is nailing something to the door of the cathedral. I've created Lutherans!

Homer: Oh my god, space aliens. Don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Kodos: Take us to your leader!
Homer: Well I guess you mean President Clinton. He usually hangs around Washington D.C.
Kodos: President Clin-ton?
Homer: Except. Um. There's this election next week so after that it might not be him anymore. It might be whats-his-name. Mumbly Joe. I saw him on TV the other... Bob Dole!

Kang: The politics of failure have failed. We need to make them work again. Tomorrow when you are sealed in the voting cubicle, vote for me. Senator Kan— Bob Dole.

Hank Scorpio: You will notice, my new best friend, that we are pretty casual around here.
Homer: Yes sir. I will notice that. Very casual, Mr Scorpion.
Hank Scorpio: Don't call me Mr. Scorpion. It's Mr. Scorpio, but don't call me that either. Call me Hank!

Teacher: So, you never learned cursive?
Bart: Well I know hell and damn and bi—
Teacher: Cursive handwriting. Script. Do you know multiplication tables? Long division?
Bart: I know of them.

Hank Scorpio: By the way, Homer, what's your least favorite country? Italy or France?
Homer: France.
Hank adjusts a giant laser
Hank Scorpio: Heh heh. Nobody ever says Italy.

Hank Scorpio: Homer, on your way out if you want to kill somebody it would help me a lot.

Mr. Burns: There, under the smiling eyes of four stuffed Eskimos, we expressed our love physically. As was the style at the time.

Mr. Burns: How were his test scores?
Yale Admissions: Let's just say this. He spelled "Yale" with a six.

Larry Burns (Rodney Dangerfield): I tell you, I don't get no regard. No regard at all. No esteem either.

Marge: You know how I feel about hoaxes.
Homer: Still?!

Homer: Geez. Look at this place. We gotta do something.
Bart: Hm. Garbage angels?

Mr. Burns: I don't like being outdoors, Smithers. For one thing there are too many fat children.

Bart seeing the burlesque house: Lady. I gotta tell ya. I have been grossly misinformed about witches.

Bart: Are you having a party or something?
Belle: Non-stop. We're a burlesque house.

Belle: When you work the door, the main things are to greet the visitors and toss out the troublemakers.
Bart: Ah! The old Greet 'n' Toss. No problemo.

Bart: If there's a bad bookkeeping joke, I haven't heard it.

TV: It's eleven o'clock. Do you now where your children are?
Homer: I told you last night, No! Where is Bart anyway? His dinner's getting all cold and eaten.

Belle: Listen, darlin'. We're such as much a part of Springfield as the church, the library or the crazy house. So I think I'll stay right here. Neighbor.
Marge: Is that so? Well, sleazy entertainment and raunchy jokes will never be as popular as sobriety and self-denial.

Skinner: Ah, there's no justice like angry mob justice.

Rev. Lovejoy: Thanks a lot, Marge. That was our only burlesque house.

Marge: I'm going into the dining room to have a conversation. Anyone who wants to join me is welcome. {leaves room) Hello Marge, how's the family? I don't want to talk about it. Mind your own business!
Homer: Keep it down in there everybody!

Marge: It's just not a dinner party without a melon baller.

Marge: Did anyone see that new Woodsy Allen movie?
Ned: You know I like his films except for that nervous fellah who's always in 'em.

Luann: From now on, forget everything you thought you knew about Luann Van Houten.
Marge: Actually, Luann, I don't really know anything about you.

Homer: I'd like to file for... {dramatic pause} Divorce.
Lady: These things happen. Eight dollars.

Homer: This is Homer Simpson, aka Happy Dude. The court is making me call everybody back and apologize for my telemarketing scam. I'm sorry. If you can find it in your heart to forgive me, send one dollar to Sorry Dude, 742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield. You have the power.

Kearney: Aw, man! You just kissed a girl!
Jimbo Jones: That is so gay!

Lisa: Dad, wake up. I think a hurricane is coming!
Homer: Oh Lisa, there's no record of a hurricane ever hitting Springfield.
Lisa: Yes, but the records only go back to 1978 when the hall of records was mysteriously blown away.

Homer: What is it, boy? Fire? Earthquake? Hippies?

Maude Flanders: Oh Neddy, it was terrifying. I thought I was headed for the eternal bliss of paradise.

Ned Flanders: Reverend, I need to know. Is God punishing me?
Reverend Lovejoy: Oo. Short answer, Yes with an if. Long answer, No with a but.

Ned: Why me, Lord? Where have I gone wrong? I've always been nice to people. I don't drink or dance or swear. I've even kept kosher just to be on the safe side. I've done everything the Bible says, even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff. What more can I do?

Ned: Looks like a loose nail.
Homer: Hey, one out of twenty-five ain't bad.

Rod Flanders: I don't like this clown.
Bart: I wouldn't take that down if I were you. It's a load-bearing poster.

Lisa: Mr. Flanders, with all due respect, Bart didn't do anything.
Ned: Do I hear the sound of butting in?! It's gotta be little Lisa Simpson. Springfield's answer to a question no one asked!

Ned's Mother: You've gotta help us, Doc. We've tried nothing and we're all out of ideas.

Dr. Foster: You folks are free to roam the grounds. Just remember, one of our patients is a cannibal. Try to guess which one. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.

Ned: If any of you does something I don't like, you are gonna hear about it!
Dr. Foster: Yes, that's very healthy, Ned.
Ned: And if you really tick me off, I'm gonna run you down with my car.

Homer: Note to self: Stop. Doing. Anything.

Homer: I hope I didn't brain my damage.

Homer: In your face, space coyote!

Mulder: Mr. Simpson, we want you to recreate your every move the night you saw the alien.
Homer: The evening began at the gentleman's club, where we were discussing Wittgenstein over a game of backgammon.
Scully: Mr. Simpson, it's a felony to lie to the FBI.
Homer: We were sitting in Barney's car eating packets of mustard. Happy?

Scully: Homer, we're going to ask you a few simple yes or no questions. Do you understand?
Homer: Yes. lie detector blows up.

Bart: Leonard Nimoy? What are you doing here?
Leonard Nimoy: Wherever there is mystery and the unexplained, cosmic forces shall draw me near.
Bart: Uh huh.
Hot Dog Vendor: Hey Spock, what do you want on your hot dog?
Leonard Nimoy: Surprise me.

I am not licensed to do anything

Marge: I guess I'm just not comfortable in the whole idea of "investing".

Edna Lovejoy: Hm. "Pita". Well I don't know about food from the Middle East. Isn't that whole area a little iffy?
Fleet-a-Pita: Hey, I'm no geographer! You and I, why don't we call it "pocket bread".
Maude Flanders: Uh. What's "tahini"?
Fleet-a-Pita: Flavor sauce!
Edna Krabappel: And "falafel"?
Fleet-a-Pita: Crunch patties.

Frank Ormand (Jack Lemmon): Hello, I'm Frank Ormand. And if you're watching me, that means you've got pretzel fever. And not the kind that attacked my intestinal lining some years back.

Marge: Listen to your mother, kids. Aim low. Aim so low no one will even care if you succeed. Dinner's in the oven. If you want some butter it's under my face.

Fat Tony: Greetings, Homer.
Homer: Hey! Fat Tony! You still with the Mafia?

Homer: You mean the mob only did me a favor to get something in return? Oh, Fat Tony. I will say Good day to you sir!

Lisa: What's going on outside?
Marge: Oh it's just a mob war. Go back to sleep.

Announcer: It's the Krusty Komedy Klassic!
Krusty: Hey, hey! It's great to be back at the Apollo Theater, and— {turns around, notices sign} K-K-K? That's not good.

Shary Bobbins: As your nanny, I'll do everything from telling stories to changing diapers.
Grampa: Put me down for one of each!

Skinner: Boy for sale! Boy for sale!
Jimbo: Is this legal, man?
Skinner: Only here and in Mississippi.

Roger Meyers: What we need is a new character. One that today's kids can relate to.
Writer: Are you absolutely sure that's wise, sir? I mean I don't want to sound pretentious here, but Itchy and Scratchy comprise a dramaturgical dyad.
Krusty: Hey, this ain't art, it's business.

Lindsey Naegle: We're talking the original dog from hell.
Writer: You mean Cerberus?

Lindsey Naegle: We at the network want a dog with attitude. He's edgy. He's in your face. You've heard the expression "Let's get busy"? Well, this is a dog who gets biz-ay. Consistently and thoroughly.
Krusty: So he's proactive?
Lindsey Naegle: Oh, god yes! We're talking about a totally outrageous paradigm.
Writer: Excuse me, but "proactive" and "paradigm"? Aren't these just buzzwords that dumb people use to sound important? Not that I'm accusing you of anything like that.... I'm fired aren't I?

Homer: Cram it with walnuts, ugly!

Homer: Is this episode going on the air live?
June Bellamy: No Homer, very few cartoons are broadcast live. It's a terrible strain on the animator's wrist.

Homer: So it was pretty okay, huh?
Bart: Mom, can we go to bed without dinner?
Marge: Yes we can.

Comic Book Guy: Last night's Itchy and Scratchy was, without a doubt, the worst episode ever. Rest assured, that I was on the internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world.
Bart: Hey, I know it wasn't great but what right do you have to complain?
Comic Book Guy: As a loyal viewer, I feel they owe me.
Bart: What? They've given you thousands of hours of entertainment for free. What could they possibly owe you? I mean if anything you owe them.
Comic Book Guy: Worst episode ever.

Homer: Well I guess I learned my lesson. The thing is, I lost creative control of the project. And I forgot to ask for any money. Well live and learn.

Janey: I can't get enough of the Babysitter Twins. They arrested the counterfeiters, rescued the President and made four dollars!

Reverend Lovejoy: Friday you will have the chance to party down in the church basement to the decent rock stylings of Testament.
Bart: Phpt! All the best bands are affiliated with Satan.

Lisa: Enjoy Bob Saget!
Chief Wiggum: It's Bob Seger. {checks tickets} Aw crap.

Moe: Listen up, this is the busiest drinking day of the year. Where are the designated drivers? Beat it! I got no room for cheapskates.

Brockman: Kent O'Brockman, live on Main Street, where today everyone is a little bit Irish. Except of course for the gays and the Italians.

Mrs. Lovejoy: Won't somebody please think of the children!

Chief Wiggum: Ladies, please. All our funding fathers, astronauts and World Series heroes have been either drunk or on cocaine.

Duff Spokesman: We're not worried. Our customers buy Duff for its robust taste, not its alcoholic content. I predict our alcohol-free Duff Zero will sell even better than its previous brand.

Homer: Glad you're finally back in business, Moe.
Moe: Yeah. That was a scary couple of hours.

Mayor Quimby: Who are you to demand anything? I run this town. You're just a bunch of low-income nobodies.
Aide aside: Election in November. Election in November.
Mayor Quimby: What?! Again! This stupid country.

Rex Banner: Are you the Beer Baron?
Ned: Well, if you're talking about root beer, I plead guilt-diddily-itly as char-diddly-arged!
Rex Banner: He's not the Baron, but he sounds drunk. Take him in!

Principal Skinner: ...and finally, the bake sale to raise money for the car wash has been cancelled due to confusion.

Skinner: Mind if I sit down?
Krabappel: It's a free country.
Skinner: I don't follow you.
Krabappel: Just sit down.

Skinner: Is this how you imagined your life, Edna?
Krabappel: Well yes. But then I was a very depressed child.
Skinner toasting: To poor decisions.
Krabappel: Here here.

Ralph: Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and the baby looked at me.

Chalmers: You have got to end this thing, Seymour.
Skinner: We're not coming down until our jobs are reinstated and you acknowledge and celebrate our love.
Chalmers: No one would like to celebrate your love more than I. But I am a public servant and not permitted to use my own judgment in any way.
Krabappel: Then let us take our case directly to the townspeople.
Chalmers: Oh yeah, that'll be real productive. Who do you want to talk to first? The guy in the bumblebee suit or the one with the bone through his hair?

Maude: I don't think we're talking about love here. We're talking about S-E-X. In front of the C-H-I-L-D-R-E-N!
Krusty: Sex Cauldron? I thought they closed that place down.

Skinner: We can't continue on like this. Trying to build a private relationship in public, the whole town watching our every move with a fine tooth comb.
Krabappel: I'm used to public humiliation but not in front of a crowd that size.

Skinner: That's why I love elementary school, Edna. The children believe anything you tell them.

Moe: I was calling for Reverend Lovejoy. Who's this?
Marge: Ah, well... this is the Listen Lady.
Moe: Yeah? Well listen, lady.

Kent Brockman: ...which if true, means death for us all.

Troy McClure: "Spin-off". Is there any word more thrilling to the human soul?

Chief Wiggum, P.I.

Skinner: He's gradually getting away, Chief.
Chief Wiggum: Ah, let him go. I have a feeling we'll meet again, each and every week.

The Love-matic Grampa

Grampa: That's the second time he's pulled the plug on me.

Moe: You are absolutely positively the dumbest haunted love tester that I have ever met.

The Simpson Family Smile-Time Variety Hour

Kent Brockman: And now, a family that doesn't know the meaning of the word "cancelled": The Simpsons!

Mayor Quimby: I stand by my ethnic slur! Do your worst you filthy, pretentious savages.

Comic Book Guy staring down the bomb: Oh, I've wasted my life.

Dr. Hibbert: Not everyone died in the blast, Homer. Some of us were horribly mutated.

Selma: You know, scaring people into giving us treats is fun. We should do this every year.
Marge: I just wish we hadn't filled up on all those kids before we got to the Flanders.

Sea Captain: And it wasn't long before this yearly custom became an annual tradition.

Dr. Hibbert: Well, your cholesterol level is lethally high, Homer, but I'm more concerned about your gravy levels.
Homer: Now wait a second. You doctors have been telling us to drink eight glasses of gravy a day.
Dr. Hibbert: You're a little confused.
Homer: Oh ho. Confused, would we?

Nelson: I gotta quit smoking.

Homer: I'm feeling kinda low, Apu. Got any of that beer that has candy floating in it. You know, Skittlebrau.
Apu: Such a product does not exist, sir. I think you may have dreamed it.
Homer: Oh. Then just gimme a six pack and a bag of Skittles.

Apu: Is it me or do your plans involve some horrible web of lies?
Homer: It's you.

Principal Skinner: Attention: all honor students will be rewarded with a trip to an archaeological dig. Conversely, all detention students will be punished with a trip to an archaeological dig.

Burns: Smithers, use the amnesia ray.
Smithers: You mean the revolver, sir?
Burns: Precisely. Be sure to wipe your own memory clear when you're finished.

Marge: Now, how are we going to get my Homey back?
Willie: I'll kidnap him for fifty, deprogram him for a hundred, and I'll kill him for five hundred.
Marge: No no no. Just the first two.
Willie: Alright. I'll throw in the killin' for free.

Cletus: Stranger, you're 'atrespassing on my dirt farm.
Leader: Uhh... do you happen to need a Messiah?
Cletus: No, but I'll take them money bags from ye.
Leader: I should have stayed with the Promise Keepers.

Skinner: Okay, Libya: exports.
Bart: Yes sir, you American pig!
Skinner: Nice touch.

Skinner: Remember, Otto. We're trusting you with our greatest natural resource. The school bus.

Sherri: I'm so hungry I could eat at Arby's!

Bart: I must find him not guilty.
Milhouse: All right!
Martin: But he ate our food!
Lisa: The law has spoken.
Nelson: Ah, sucks to the law.

Sideshow Mel: You can be so cruel when you're sober.
Krusty: Well I'll fix that! I'm going on the bender to end all benders.

Kent the Clown: Today's top joke: It seems a local moron threw his clock out the window. We'll tell you why after this.

Krusty: I learned something tonight, kid. It ain't comedy that's in my blood. It's selling out.

Marge: Simpson gene? That's just foolishness!
Grampa: No, baldness too.

Mrs. Krabappel: Now who's calculator can tell me what seven times eight is?

Jimbo: Videotaping this crime spree is the best idea we've ever had!

Bart: Come on, Ralph, your dad's a cop. There must be some cool stuff around here. Bullets, dead body photos, what-have-you.
Ralph: He keeps that stuff in his closet, but he says I'm not allowed in there.
Bart: Did he say I'm not allowed in there?
Ralph: Yes.

Ralph Wiggum: That's where I saw the leprechaun! He told me to burn things.

Chief Wiggum: What is your fascination with my Forbidden Closet of Mystery?

Bart: Hey come on! I thought we were friends.
Jimbo: Yeah, well, I hope the irony's not lost on you, Simpson.

Ralph: The pointy kitty took it!

Mr. Burns: Smithers! There's a rocket in my pocket.
Smithers: You don't have to tell me sir.

Chief Wiggum: Alright people, listen up. The harder you push, the faster we get out of here.

Mr. Burns: Hm. A pack of vicious dogs should be ripping you to pieces.
Homer: I don't know what to tell you.
Mr. Burns: Very well. Come on in. Perhaps I have something I can scald you with.

McBain: McBain to base: Under attack by Commie Nazis.

Lisa: May I have that seat?
Comic Book Guy: Yes! If you can answer me these questions three. Question the first!—
Lisa: Never mind.

Lisa: These are for pierced ears.
Sherri: Yeah, aren't they great?
Terri: Alex did ours.
Alex Whitney (Lisa Kudrow): Yeah, all you need is a thumbtack and a lot of paper towels.

Ralph: This snowflake tastes like fish sticks!

Homer: Is there anything you can prescribe, Doctor?
Dr. Hibbert: Fire. And lots of it.
Marge: Oh that's your cure for everything.

Smithers: It's no use. Should I send out for some Chinese?
Mr. Burns: No, those people are all gristle. I want this jar open!

Maude Flanders: My eyes have been soiled!
Homer: Come on, Maude. The human wang is a beautiful thing.

Lisa: But we can't accept that money. It's tainted.
Skinner: Now now. Leave the money out of this. It's not the money's fault you cheated.

Mrs. Krabappel: Now who can tell me the atomic weight of bolognium.
Martin: Oo! Delicious?
Mrs. Krabappel: Correct. I would also accept "snacktacular."

Ralph: Hi Super Nintendo Chalmers!

Ned: How do you do it, Homer? How do you silence that little voice that says, "Think"?
Homer: You mean Lisa?

Ned: This is all your fault! You and your stupid program.
Homer: Blame me if you must, but don't ever speak ill of the program! The program is rock solid. The program is sound.

Manjula: A chocolate husband! Oh, how darling.
Apu from inside the chocolate: I can't breathe!
Manjula: Oh! My husband. You are the sweetest filling of all.
Apu: My ears are filled with nougat. There's a nut in my eye.

Apu: My humble love note is turning into a Valentine's Day Massacre.

Apu: Elton John!
Elton John: That's my name. Well, not really.

Chief Wiggum: Why are the pretty ones always insane.

Karma-ceuticals Owner: You're about to take a journey into the mind. You may see and experience things that are strange and frightening. But remember: they can't physically harm you. Though they may destroy you mentally.

Senior Woman: What a lovely ending!
Bart: They cut out the best word!
Hans Moleman: Didn't that movie used to have a war in it?
Orderly: Come on! You've been warned.

Nurse: Come on, Bart. We don't want to overstimulate these people. They just had pudding.

Grampa: I haven't felt this relaxed and carefree since I was watch commander at Pearl Harbor.

Comic Book Guy: Once again. my underwear has become tangled on a cow catcher.

Mr. Burns: Simpson. I need your help. I want to be loved.
Homer: I see. Well, I'll need some beer.

Mr. Burns: I'm going to bring them something that man has searched for since the beginning of time.
Homer: A sober Irishman?
Mr. Burns: Even rarer.

Mr. Burns: Where's my monster, tubby? What do you think I'm paying you people for?
Homer: Um, to work in your power plant?
Willie: You're not paying me anything!
Professor Frink: You kidnapped me.

Professor Frink: This isn't the monsterometer. It's the frog-exaggerator!