Ms. Melan: Discover your desks, people!

Mrs. Krabappel: Bart, not another word out of you, or I'll subject you to the humiliation of making you sing in front of the class.
Bart: Can I pick the song?
Mrs. Krabappel: No. The song will be "John Henry was a Steel-Drivin' Man".

Homer: You'll get that punk someday, Moe.
Moe: I don't know. He's tough to catch. He keeps changing his name.

Mr. Burns to Homer: You're not as stupid a you look. Or sound. Or as our best testing indicates.

Nelson Muntz: You made me bleed my own blood!

TV Announcer: Jebediah Obadiah Zechariah Jedediah Springfield came West in 1838. Along the way he met a ferocious bear and killed it with his bare hands. That's B-A-R-E hands. Although modern historians recently uncovered evidence that the bear in fact probably killed him.

Roger Meyers writing Marge a letter: ...In regards to your specific comments about the show, our research indicates that one person cannot make a difference no matter how big a screwball she is. So let me close by saying...
Marge reading: "...and the horse I rode in on."?! I'll show them what one screwball can do!

Kent Brockman: Are cartoons too violent for children? Most people would say, "No, of course not. What kind of
stupid question is that." But one woman says, "Yes." And she's here with us tonight. This is Marge Simpson.

Mrs. Lovejoy: Get dressed, Marge. You've got to lead our protest against this abomination.
Marge: But that's Michelangelo's David. It's a masterpiece.
Mrs. Lovejoy: It's filth! It graphically portrays parts of the human body which, practical as they may be, are evil.
Marge: But I like that statue.
Maude Flanders: I told you she was soft on full frontal nudity.

Devil: Remember, lie, cheat, steal and listen to heavy metal music!
Bart: Yes sir!

Lionel Hutz (Phil Hartman): My fee is fifty percent.
Homer: Fifty percent?
Lionel Hutz: You'll be getting more than just a lawyer, Mr. Simpson. You'll also be getting this exquisite faux pearl necklace—a ninety-nine dollar value—as our gift to you.

Court Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?
Marge: Yes I do.
Lionel Hutz: She sounded like she was taking that awful seriously.

Moe: Homer, lighten up! You're making Happy Hour bitterly ironic.

Mr. Burns: You know, I'm no art critic. But I know what I hate.

Dr. Hibbert: If you want him to live through the night, I suggest you roll him onto his stomach.
Marge: Thank you, I will, Dr. Hibbert. Thanks for coming.
Dr. Hibbert: Remember, I said "if".

Marge about the trust fall: Do I have to do this?
Rev. Lovejoy: No. Even if your husband were here I wouldn't recommend it.

Mrs. Krabappel: Bart! Are those liquor bottles?
Bart: I brought enough for everybody.
Mrs. Krabappel: Take those to the teacher's lounge. You can have what's left at the end of the day.

Professor Frink: Brace yourselves gentlemen, according to the gaschromatograph the secret ingredient is... love?!? Who's been screwing this thing?

Lionel Hutz: I'm sorry, Mrs. Simpson, but you can't copyright a drink. This all goes back to the Frank Wallbanger case of '78. How about that? I looked something up!

Marty: Fellas, I'm going to hit you with a phrase that has dogged you throughout your career: washed up.

Shearer: I can't think of anyone who's benefited more from the death of Communism than us.
Guest: Maybe the people who actually live in the Communist countries.
Shearer: Oh yeah, hadn't thought of that. I bet you're right.

Harry Shearer (Spinal Tap): We salute you, our half-inflated Dark Lord!

Otto: Better fasten your seatbelts, little dudes.
Lisa: We don't have seatbelts.
Otto: Well then... just try to go limp.

Nelson: Mrs. Krabappel, how come you don't live with Mr. Krabappel?
Mrs. Krabappel: Because Mr. Krabappel chased something small and fluffy down a rabbit hole.

Miss Hoover: I have nothing left to say to any of you. So if nobody minds lets just quietly run out the clock.

Bart: Don't we get to roast marshmallows?
Kearney: Shut up and eat your pinecone!

Dolph: Yo, Mr. Black. Another brandy.
Mr. Black: Gentlemen, to evil!

Krusty: Well I'm gonna make it all up to you. I'm gonna show you kids the time of your life. Get ready for two weeks in the happiest place on Earth—Tijuana!

Homer: Hey Ganeesha, want a peanut?
Apu: Please do not offer my god a peanut.

Ned: Homer, God didn't set your house on fire.
Rev. Lovejoy: No, but He was working in the hearts of your friends and neighbors when they went to your aid. Be they Christian, Jew or... miscellaneous.
Apu: Hindu! There are seven hundred million of us.
Rev. Lovejoy: Aw, that's super.

Mr. Burns: Do you think we could dig up Al Jolson?
Smithers: Ah... do you remember we did that once before?
Mr. Burns: Oh that's right, he's dead... and rather pungent. The rest of that night is something I'd like to forget.

Bart: Can't sleep, clown will eat me. Can't sleep, clown will eat me.

Krusty: I personally am going to spit in every fiftieth burger.
Homer: I like those odds.

Dr. Nick: singing The knee bone's connected to the... something. The something's connected to the... red thing. The red thing's connected to my wrist watch... Uh oh.

Chief Wiggum on phone: Uh, Mrs. Simpson, I have some bad news. Your husband was found DOA.
Marge: Oh my god! He's dead?
Chief Wiggum: Oh, I'm sorry. He was DUI. I get those two confused. hangs up phone
Woman walks in: My name is Mrs. Phillips. You said my husband was DUI?
Chief Wiggum: Uh... talk to one of those officers over there. I'm going to lunch.

Lionel Hutz: Well, he's kind of had it in for me ever since I kind of ran over his dog. Actually, replace "kind of" with "repeatedly," and replace "dog" with "son."

Lisa: Krusty! What have you done to yourself?
Krusty: I thought I'd get into shape so I've been drinking nothing but milkshakes.
Lisa: You mean those diet milkshakes?
Krusty: Uh oh.

Krusty: I'm a star again. I don't know how to thank you kids.
Bart: That's okay, Krusty.
Lisa: We're getting fifty percent of the t-shirt sales.
Krusty: What?! That's the sweetest plum!

Joey Ramone: Go to hell, you old bastard!
Mr. Burns: Have the Rolling Stones killed.
Smithers: But sir, those aren't—
Mr. Burns: Do as I say!

Bart: Okay. We're young, rich and full of sugar. What do we do?
Milhouse: Let's go crazy Broadway-style!

Milhouse: Hey, don't Bogart that Squishee!
Barney: I don't know where you magic pixies came from, but I like your pixie drink.

Homer: Moe, I need your advice.
Moe: Yeah?
Homer: See, I got this friend named... Joey Jo Jo... Junior... Shabadoo.
Moe: That's the worst name I ever heard.
Joey runs out of the bar sobbing
Barney: Hey! Joey Jo Jo!

Lisa: And now you can go back to just being you, instead of a one-dimensional character with a silly catchphrase.
Homer breaks lamp: D'oh!
Bart: Aye Carumba!
Marge: Hmmm.
Flanders: Hidely-ho.
Barney: burps
Nelson: Ha ha!
Burns: Ex-cellent!
Lisa: If anyone wants me, I'll be in my room.

Mrs. Lovejoy: That animal of yours is certainly bad-tempered.
Lisa: Yeah, well you'd be grumpy too if you were taken out of your natural habitat and gawked at by a bunch of slack-jawed yokels.
Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel: Hey Ma! Look at that pointy-hairded little girl!

Troy McClure: Hello, I'm Troy McClure! You might remember me from such films as The Boatjacking of Supership '79 and Hydro: The Man with the Hydraulic Arms.

Marge: What about Abe Simpson? Don't you have any feelings for him?
Mother Simpson: Aw, he's a dear. But he's too much of an old fusspot.
Marge: We're all aware Grampa's problems, but compared to Mr. Burns, he's Judge freakin' Reinhold.
Mother Simpson: I don't know who that is.

Bart: That's no fair, Nelson. They didn't have the Kill-matic 3000 back then.
Nelson: Hey! Records from that era are spotty at best.

Willie: The kilt was only for day-to-day wear. For battle, we donned a full length ball gown covered in sequins. The idea was to blind your opponent with luxury!

Mrs. Lovejoy: I didn't know rocket sled was an Olympic event.
Bart: Well no offense, lady, but what you don't know could fill a warehouse.

Ralph: Me fail English? That's unpossible!

Grampa: Let's see... I'm an Elk, a Mason, a Communist... I'm the president of the Gay and Lesbian Alliance for some reason. Ah, here it is! The Stonecutters.

Number One (Patrick Stewart): Welcome to the club, Number 908. You have joined the Sacred Order of the Stonecutters, who since ancient times have split the rocks of ignorance that obscure the light of knowledge and truth. Now let's all get drunk and play ping pong!

Who controls the British crown / Who keeps the metric system down
We do! We do!
Who leaves Atlantis off the maps / Who keeps the martian under wraps
We do! We do!
Who holds back the electric car / Who makes Steve Guttenberg a star
We do! We do!
Who robs cave fish of their sight / Who rigs every Oscar night
We do! We do!

Number One: Homer Simpson, for your continuing and baffling desecration of our beloved sacred parchment, you are hereby banished from the Stonecutters forever.

Al: Show up tomorrow, bring three rags. Oh and, ah, change your pants.
Homer: Why?
Al: When it happens, you'll know.

Mr. Burns: It's company policy to give you the plague.
Smithers: Uh sir, that's the plaque.

Kent Brockman: I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Democracy just doesn't work.

Kent Brockman: Now, over the years a newsman learns a number of things that for one reason or another he cannot report. It doesn't matter now, so... the following people are gay (names run by on screen).

Announcer: Your cable television is experiencing difficulties. Please do not panic. Resist the temptation to read or talk to loved ones. Do not attempt sexual relations, as years of TV radiation have left your genitals withered and useless.
Wiggum checking: Well I'll be damned.

Burns: singing Some men hunt for sport, others hunt for food. The only thing I'm hunting for... is an outfit that looks good.
sung to "Be Our Guest"
See my vest, see my vest, made from real gorilla chest.
Feel this sweater, there's no better than authentic Irish Setter.
See this hat? 'Twas my cat. My eveningwear? Vampire bat.
These white slippers are albino African endangered rhino.
Grizzly bear underwear. Turtles' necks, I've got my share.
Beret of poodle on my noodle it shall rest.
Try my red robin suit, it comes one breast or two.
See my vest! See my vest! See my vest!
Like my loafers? Former gophers! It was that or skin my chauffeurs.
But a greyhound fur tuxedo would be best.
So let's prepare these dogs
Maid: Kill two for matching clogs!
Burns: See my vest! See my vest! Oh please won't you see my vest! {he finishes the song} I really like my vest.
Smithers: I gathered that.

Mr. Burns: I'll be taking my puppies back.
Lisa: But they're ours, you stole them from us!
Mr. Burns hands her a cell phone: Here's a phone. Call somebody who cares.
Lisa dials 9-1— Give me that!

Willie in French class: Bonjour, ye cheese-eatin' surrender monkeys!

Smithers: Principal Skinner, this is your secretary. There is one last student here to see you.
Principal Skinner: That's odd. I don't have a secretary. Or an intercom.

Burns: I want that oil well. I've got a monopoly to maintain. I own the electric company. And the waterworks. Plus the hotel on Baltic Avenue.
Principal Skinner: That hotel's a dump and your monopoly's pathetic.

Burns: Pish posh. It'll be like taking candy from a baby. Hey, that sounds like a larf. Let's try it now.

Barney: These fumes aren't as fun as beer. Sure, I'm all dizzy and nauseous, but where's the inflated sense of self-esteem?

Eddie: Do you hold a grudge against Montgomery Burns?
Moe: No! *buzz* Alright, maybe I did, but I didn't shoot him. *ding*
Eddie: Checks out. Okay, sir, you're free to go.
Moe: Good, 'cause I got a hot date tonight. *buzz* A date. *buzz* Dinner with a friend. *buzz* Dinner alone. *buzz* Watching TV alone. *buzz* Alright! I'm going to sit at home and ogle the ladies in the Victoria's Secret catalog. *buzz* Sears catalog. *ding* Now would you unhook this already, please! I don't deserve this kind of shabby treatment! *buzz*

Jasper: Who shot who in the what now?

Studio Exec: I don't see why Rainier Wolfcastle should be the star. I think we should bring back Dirk Richter. Kids will want to see the original Radioactive Man.
Studio Exec: I keep telling you, he's 73 years old. And he's dead.

Bart to applause: Thank you. It's all in the delivery. "Now is the winter of our discontent."
Ralph: Oh no! Run!

Director: Fallout Boy will untie Radioactive Man and pull him to safety, moments before he's hit with a forty-foot wall of sulfuric acid that will horribly burn everything in its path. Now that's real acid so I want to see goggles, people!
Rainier Wolfcastle: Real acid?
Director: Okay, roll film! Tip the acid vats and... action!
Radioactive Man: Only Fallout Boy can save me now.
Director: Where's Fallout Boy? Fallout Boy!
Rainier Wolfcastle: Uh oh. {the acid hits him} My eyes! The goggles do nothing!

Ralph: Ms. Hoover, my worm slipped into my mouth. Can I have another one?
Ms. Hoover: No, Ralph. There aren't anymore. Why don't you go to sleep while the other children are learning.
Ralph: Oh boy! Sleep! That's where I'm a Viking!

Mr. Burns: I think I'll donate a million dollars to charity... when pigs fly!
A pig flies past the window
Smithers: Will you be donating that million dollars now, sir?
Mr. Burns: Eh, I'd still rather not.

Joe Friday: Are you trying to stall us or are you just senile?
Grampa: A little from column A, a little from column B.

Mona Simpson: Remember, whatever happens you have a mother and she's truly proud of you.

Disco Stu: about the DISCO STU jacket Disco Stu doesn't advertise.

Krusty's Cayman Islands Banker: I'm sorry. I can't divulge information about that customer's secret illegal account. Oh, crap. I shouldn't have said he was a customer. Oh, crap. I shouldn't have said it was a secret. Oh, crap. I certainly shouldn't have said it was illegal. Ah, it's too hot today.

Mrs. Krabappel: Embiggens? I never heard that word before moving to Springfield.
Miss Hoover: I don't know why, it's a perfectly cromulent word.

Hollis Hurlbut: It's just as phony as the Howard Hughes will, the Hitler Diaries. Or the Emancipation Retraction.

Hollis Hurlbut: Now get out! You're banned from this historical society! You and your children, and your children's children! ... For three months.

Moe: Homer, I support most any prejudice you can name, but your herophobia sickens me. You and your daughter ain't welcome here anymore. Barney, show them the exit.
Barney: There's an exit?

Mayor Quimby: Can't we have one meeting that doesn't end with us digging up a corpse?

Principal Skinner: Regardless of who said it, a noble spirit embiggens the smallest man.

The boys go to see Naked Lunch
Nelson: I can think of at least two things wrong with that title.

Grampa: I used to be with it, but then they changed what "it" was. Now, what I'm with isn't it, and what's "it" seems weird and scary to me.

Mr. Burns: There, under the smiling eyes of four stuffed Eskimos, we expressed our love physically. As was the style at the time.

Rev. Lovejoy: Thanks a lot, Marge. That was our only burlesque house.

Kearney: Aw, man! You just kissed a girl!
Jimbo Jones: That is so gay!

Bart: Leonard Nimoy? What are you doing here?
Leonard Nimoy: Wherever there is mystery and the unexplained, cosmic forces shall draw me near.
Bart: Uh huh.
Hot Dog Vendor: Hey Spock, what do you want on your hot dog?
Leonard Nimoy: Surprise me.

Announcer: It's the Krusty Komedy Klassics!
Krusty runs out on stage
Krusty: Hey, hey! It's great to be back here, and— turns around, notices sign K-K-K? Oh, that's not good.

Comic Book Guy: Last night's Itchy and Scratchy was, without a doubt, the worst episode ever. Rest assured, I was on the internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world.

Cecil: And now to kill you. There may be a slight ringing in your ears. Fortunately, you'll be nowhere near them.

Janey: I can't get enough of the Babysitter Twins. They arrested the counterfeiters, rescued the President and made four dollars!

Reverend Lovejoy: Friday you will have the chance to party down in the church basement to the decent rock stylings of Testament.
Bart: Phpt! All the best bands are affiliated with Satan.

Lisa: Enjoy Bob Saget!
Chief Wiggum: It's Bob Seger. {checks tickets} Aw crap.

Rex Banner: Are you the Beer Baron?
Ned: Well, if you're talking about root beer, I plead guilt-diddily-iddly as char-diddly-arged!
Rex Banner: He's not the Baron, but he sounds drunk. Take him in.

Salesman: Surely you can't put a price on your family's lives?
Homer: I wouldn't have thought so either, but here we are.

Apu: Is it me or do your plans involve some horrible web of lies?
Homer: It's you.

Burns: Smithers, use the amnesia ray.
Smithers: You mean the revolver, sir?
Burns: Precisely. And wipe your own memory clean when you're done.

Cletus: Stranger, you're trespassing on my dirt farm.
Leader: Uhh... do you need a Messiah?
Cletus: No, but I'll take them money bags from ye.
Leader: I should have stayed with the Promise Keepers.

Chief Wiggum: What is your fascination with my forbidden closet of mysteries?

Ralph Wiggum: That's where I saw the leprechaun! He told me to burn things.

Ralph explaining that a rat ran off the key: That pointy kitty took it!

Mr. Burns: Smithers there's a rocket in my pocket.
Smithers: You don't have to tell me sir.

Lisa: May I have that seat?
Comic Book Guy: Yes! If you can answer me these questions three. Question the first!—
Lisa: Never mind.

Smithers: It's no use. Should I send out for some Chinese?
Mr. Burns: No, those people are all gristle. I want this jar open!

Ralph: Hi Super Nintendo Chalmers!

Chief Wiggum: Why are the pretty ones always insane.

Karma-ceuticals Owner: You're about to take a journey into the mind. You may see and experience things that are strange and frightening. But remember: they can't physically harm you. Though they may destroy you mentally.

Head of the IOC: People! People! Please. You are forgetting what the Olympics are all about. Giving out medals of beautiful gold, so-so silver and shameful bronze.

Scarlett O'Hara: Oh Rhett! Rhett! Where will I go? What will I do?
Rhett Butler: Frankly my dear, I love you. Let's remarry.
THE END (EDITED FOR SENIORS)

Senior Woman: What a lovely ending!
Bart: They cut out the best word!
Hans Moleman: Didn't that movie used to have a war in it?
Orderly: Come on! You've been warned.

Nurse: Come on, Bart. We don't want to overstimulate these people. They just had pudding.

Grampa: I haven't felt this relaxed and carefree since I was watch commander at Pearl Harbor.

Editor: This is a joke, right? I mean this is the stupidest thing I've ever read!
Homer: What's wrong with it?
Editor: You keep using words like "pasghetti" and "momatoes," you make numerous threatening references to the UN, and at the end you repeat the words "Screw Flanders" over and over again.

Dr. Hibbert: I'm afraid it's hopeless. Beneath that bucket he's more glue than man.

Lisa: I'm sorry, but do you really think we can win doing Stars & Stripes Forever? It's so Beginner Band. And this is Advanced Beginner Band.
Ralph Wiggum: This is Band?

Milhouse: How about something cool? Like Camptown Races.
Nelson Muntz: Hey Grandpa, the Civil War's over.

Chief Wiggum: I'd rather let a thousand guilty men go free than chase after them.

Dr. Hibbert: A Ford urinating on a Chevy.
Mrs. Hibbert: Don't you usually laugh at everything?
Dr. Hibbert: Yes. Yes, I do.

Homer: Florida? But that's America's wang.
Plant Psychiatrist: They prefer the Sunshine State.

Lenny: Even Bart was throwing dough around. He paid me and Carl a thousand bucks to kiss each other.
Carl: Hey did we ever get that money?
Narrator: But reckless spending and interracial homoeroticism were just volume one of the Encyclopedia Self-Destructica.

Dr. Nick Riviera: With my diet you can eat all you want anytime you want.
Marge: And you'll lose weight?
Dr. Nick Riviera: Ah, you might. It's a free country!

Sophie: I can't believe you would gamble with something that meant so much to me.
Krusty: Wait! Time out! Four aces is not a gamble.

Comic Book Guy eating Peeps: If only the real chicks went down this easy.

Wiggum: My wife and I like watching that Oz show on HBO. Uh, is... is prison really like that?
Jack: Wouldn't know. We only get basic cable.
Wiggum: Ouch. I also like that Sex in the City. None of those girls looks like my wife.
Jack: Sportscenter's not bad.
Wiggum: Yeah, I never got that show.
Jack: What's to get? They just tell the scores.
Wiggum: Yeah, I suppose, yeah. Hey, ya meet any Mob guys? Are they really like The Sopranos?
Jack: I told you, we just get basic cable.
Wiggum: Oh right, right, right. Listen, if I'm getting too chatty, just, uh, just tell me to shut up.
Jack: Ah, I'm enjoying it. Hey, you ever watch them strongman contests? They're pretty good. Those guys look strong. Other guys in prison say they're gay, but I don't know. They look strong to me.

Saleswoman: Your baby is dead!
Homer and Marge: Oh no!
Saleswoman: That's what you'd hear if your baby fell victim to the thousands of deathtraps lurking in the average American home.
Homer: You really scared us there.
Saleswoman: I'm sorry, but the truth is, your baby—Maggie Simpson—is dead! Dead tired of baby-proofers who don't provide a free estimate. Let's start in the kitchen.

Professor Frink at a scientific convention: Don't make me flick the lights on and off!
Rioting Crowd of Scientists: No response
Frink: Pi is exactly 3!
Rioting Crowd of Scientists: GAAAASSSSSPPP
Frink: I'm sorry it had to come to that.

Milhouse: I can't go to Juvie! They use guys like me as currency!

Cletus Spuckler: Now let's see if I can remember how to make my mark.

Kent Brockman: Good evening. Our top story: Springfield's cake hole has been shut forever. Under what has been dubbed "Marge's Law," all forms of sugar are now illegal.
Homer: Thank you, Erin Choco-Snitch. That was a group effort.

Grampa Simpson: Holy Toledo! What's keeping that dress on?
Sideshow Mel: The entire collective will of this audience.

Homer: Are you sure you don't want to come to our Civil War reenactment? We need plenty of Indians to shoot.
Apu: I do not know which part of that statement to correct first.

Lenny: If you ask me, Muhammad Ali in his prime was much better than anti-lock brakes.
Carl: Yeah, what about Johnny Mathis versus Diet Pepsi?

EPA: Mr. Simpson, allowing an endangered species to die is a federal offense under the Reversal of Freedoms Act of 1994.

Judge Roy Snyder: Homer Simpson, for attempted insecticide and aggravated buggery, I sentence you to 200 hours community service.

Old Jewish Man: Didn't these meals used to have cobbler?
Homer: Uh. They discontinued the cobbler.
Old Jewish Man: You smell like cobbler!
Homer: Now let's not get in to who smells like what.

Radio: Police are looking for a bald man in blue pants and a fair-haired girl in a red lampshade.

Moe: Uh, how do I say this without being offensive? Marge there ain't enough booze in this place to make you look good.

Krusty: Are you guys any good at covering up youthful and middle-aged indiscretions?
Mr. Burns: Are these indiscretions romantic, financial, or treasonous?
Krusty: Russian hooker. You tell me.

Successmanship 101 Teacher: You there! The greasy naked bald man!
Homer: You know everything about me.

Successmanship 101 Teacher: You see that car out there? That's a Bentley Mark XII. They gave one to me, one to Steven Spielberg, and then they shot the guy who made it.
Lenny: I'd hate to be in that union.

Mr. Burns: Good lord, that canary was supposed to be my pidgeon. I need to find a patsy quick!

Mr. Burns: Now, a few more details about this year's company picnic. It's at the plant, no food will be served, the only activity will be work and the picnic is cancelled.

Wiggum: Well let me ask you this: shut up.

Otto: Man. I guess this story has a happy ending. Just like my last massage.

Bart: Please make me write something on the chalkboard a thousand times.
Mrs. Krabappel: We got tired of that blackboard thing years ago.

Krusty: Do you know how much I donate to the B'nai Brith?
Jewish Walk of Fame Guy: Actually, I do.
Krusty: Goodbye.

Lisa: Krusty, what's wrong?
Krusty: I just found out I'm not Jewish. I was turned down by all those country clubs for nothing.
Bart: Well you're still my hero.
Krusty: So what. Everything's changed. I thought I was a self-hating Jew. But it turns out I'm just a plain old anti-semite.

Lisa: To save money on a new dish, we'll call you Snowball II and just pretend this whole thing never happened.
Skinner walking past: That's really a cheat, isn't it?
Lisa: I guess you're right. Principal Tanzarian.
Skinner: Well, I'll be moving along then. Lisa... Snowball II.

Ned: And I guess I'm just a caveman. If they existed. Which they didn't.

Apu: This is how you talk when you learn English from pornos.

Mrs. Krabappel: Milhouse? What happened to my little class coward?
Milhouse: What do you care, Mrs. Krabappel. Or should I say, Mrs. Crab Apple!
Kearney: Crab Apple? I never thought of that.

Ralph Wiggum: Hi Bart! My nose makes its own bubblegum.

Ralph Wiggum: Eighteen, nineteen, twenty... I found you!
Bart: Ralph, we're playing checkers.
Ralph Wiggum: I don't like you, Boy Mommy.

Lisa: What kind of journalism experience do you have?
Nelson: I dunno. Beating up nerds.
Lisa: Great. You're our TV critic.

Burns: Maybe you should just go!
Lisa: I can't! My mom's not picking me up for an hour.
pause
Burns: So... what do you think of today's popular music scene?
Lisa: I think it distracts people from the more important social issues of today.
Burns: My god, are you always on?

Comic Book Guy: He makes me look cool. And cool, I am not. May I upload your footage onto the internet?
Flanders: Well, sir, I don't believe we've ever met.
Comic Book Guy: My name is Jeff Albertson. But everyone calls me Comic Book Guy.
Flanders: Well, I'll just call you friend.

Flanders: Reverend, thanks for turning the church into a "He without sin-o-plex."

Carl: Hey Lovejoy, you could take a lesson from Flanders. You know, inject your sermons with a little razzle dazzle.
Lovejoy: Well I already do, if by razzle you mean piety, and by dazzle you mean Scriptural accuracy.
Carl to Lenny: What a tool.

Sports Newscaster: But first, professional sports continues its downward march into the gutter.
Homer: Heh heh heh. This is either about me or steroids.

Chalmers: Skinner, be gay on your own time.

Flanders: Son we're here to help with your... uh, which addiction are we going after here?
Homer: Overeating. And if there's time we'll get to my drinking. But there won't be time.

Moe: I was wondering if you could help me save my soul. I've done stuff I ain't proud of. And the stuff that I am proud of, is disgusting.

Ned: I wish we lived in a place more like the America of yesteryear which only exists in the brains of us Republicans.

Rod: Daddy, why do you have to shave your nose neighbor?
Ned: You know what? I'm not gonna. My mustache has the right to life. It's my body and my choice!

Homer: Alright. You can shoot your gay adult film at my house.
Fat Tony: I didn't say anything about gay.
Homer: I thought you guys were the gay mafia.

Lisa is trying to escape a big-horned sheep:
Lisa: Mad beast!
Burns: Liberal midget!

Texan: Yee ha! I'm gonna win me a nucular plant!
Burns: Dream on, bitch.

Moe: Barney, how do you keep getting back in?
Barney: I'm a drunk. I don't know nothin' about how I do anything.

Burns: Oh. The sheep was no danger at all. I sacrificed my gorgeous body for nothing. This must be what it's like to have a baby.

Homer: You're giving me absolute power?
Burns: Mm hm.
Smithers: Sir, doesn't that corrupt?
Burns: Absolutely not.

Richard Dean Anderson: Welcome home! Guess who made MacGuyver burgers? MacGuyver.
Patty: We didn't have any ground beef.
Richard Dean Anderson: Yeah, but you did have Slim Jims, a cheese grater and rubber bands to hold it all together.
Selma: We gotta get rid of this kook.

Sea Captain: Perhaps an old sea yarn might pass the time. Too bad I don't know any.
Lisa: I know one! About the most important sea voyage in American history. The journey of the Mayflower.
Sea Captain: Ah yes. The ship that brought prostitutes to America.
Lisa: Not prostitutes! Protestants!
Sea Captain: Now who's being naive?

Ned Flandish: I just thought of a name for where we're going. New England!
Willy: Oh, that's real creative! What do you call your foot? New hand?

Willy: I'm warnin' you, Captain. Push this crew too far and there'll be mutiny.
Captain Bly: Mutiny? On the Bounty? What have you been smoking?
Willy: Opium.

Otto: Alright, I'm opening this cage. But no biting!
Nelson: You're not the boss of my teeth.

Otto: That's not a song. Real songs are about deals with the devil, and far off lands where you can find smoke in relation to water.

Marge: Hey Nelson! Car pool!
Nelson: Just a sec. I gotta finish my science project {he throws a rock at a squirrel}. Woah. Squirrels don't like rocks.

Fat Tony: Milhouse, may I borrow your three-ring binder?
Milhouse: Garfield or Love Is...?
Fat Tony: I prefer the cat. He hates Mondays. We can all relate.

Bart: So how did Malt Liquor Mommy die?
Marge: Stop calling her that!
Lenny: I'll tell you how she died. You know that sign that says, "Do not stand up on the roller coaster"?
Bart: Yeah.
Lenny: She overdosed right in front of it.

Kent Brockman: Like all manly men I have a vivid imagination. Let's take off our shirts and wrestle.

Skinner: Simpson, you've been waving your nuts in my face for too long. Eat shrimp and die!

Moe: Lisa if you could just forgive me, you'd make me the happiest man in Vermont. Except for those two dudes I saw getting hitched. Not my thing but I wish them well.

Ralph sticking an ice cream cone on his forehead: I'm a unitard!

Lenny: I don't know where Carl ends and I begin.
Carl: See statements like that are why people think we're gay.

Nelson: I like to come up here and make fun of the sunset. Hey gasball! You suck!

Nelson: Make sure your affairs are in order.
Bart: I've set up a trust. It bypasses the inheritance tax.
Nelson: Only until 2008. Look into it!

Hey, you're one of those funny people with a big crazy nose.
Krusty: A clown?
No, a j—
Krusty: Joker! And I'm not a practicing joker so I'm not that offended.

Mrs. Lovejoy: We're here about the mattress.
Homer: What's wrong with it?
Reverend Lovejoy: We tried raising Cain. But we weren't able.

Kent Brockman: Sir, how does it feel knowing that no one is coming to save you?
Well not as bad as knowing somewhere gays are marrying each other. That's the real crisis, Kent!

Grampa: You know, I was voted Best Kisser in my POW camp.

Skinner: Simpson! I'll teach you to make a poupon me.

Nelson getting beaten by Bart: I'm unclear on what you want!

Grampa: I can't believe Kent Brockman got away with it. Back in my day TV stars couldn't say boobie, tushie, burp, fanny burp, water closet, underpants, dingle dangle, Boston marriage, LBJ, Titicaca, hot dog or front lumps!

Krusty: Damn that Brockman! There are only two rules in TV: Don't swear and don't whip it out. It's not rocket science.

Lisa: Mr. Brockman, you're a huge hit.
Kent Brockman: Really? How wide is the web?
Lisa: World.
Kent Brockman: Wow.

Mr. Burns: I guess this is the end. I just wish I'd spent more time at the office.

Mr. Burns: And just so you know, she'll do anything for you. Anything except sex! And I do mean "anything".
Homer: Oh... I'm aroused. And confused.

Mr. Burns: Now let's enjoy the Miami of Canada—Chicago!

Milhouse: Principal Skinner, why did we have to leave the Learn-and-Touch Reptile Zoo so early?
Principal Skinner: Well it seems someone was riding the giant tortoise naked.
Otto: It's not my fault, the drinking fountain dared me to do it.

Dwight (Steve Buscemi): Okay, this isn't the way I planned it. But you can make it out alive as long as there's no funny stuff.
Krusty: Don't worry about me. I was voted America's Least Funny clown. Worse than Scuzzo, Scummo, Oopsie, Carlos Mencia, Stinko, Blumpy... Even worse than Sergeant Serious. How could I do worse than him? I stole all his jokes!

Snake: Hey, baby, listen carefully: someone's been editing my biography on Wikipedia. I want you to kill him.

Nelson: There's a time for crumping. And this isn't it.
Marge: I'll crump with you, Sweetie Pie.

Krusty: Gimme one of those Forget Me drinks! I made a mistake I gotta wipe out. I was trying to do a Don Rickles about Arabs, but it turned into a Mel Gibson about Mexicans. takes the shot. Ah! Huh? What the hell am I doing here? I gotta get back to the Latin Grammys.

Quimby: There there, Cheesy McMayor. No one likes weepy meat.

News Van1: To Springfield!
News Van2: Which Springfield?
News Van1: The one the Simpsons live in.

Brockman: Are you a registered voter?
Moe: I'm a registered... something.

Jon Stewart: Hey Krusty, I haven't seen you since you bailed on that benefit.
Krusty: Yeah, I didn't really believe in the cause.
Jon Stewart: Well Krusty's Kids sure missed you.
Krusty: Yeah, they're great. A little clingy.

Jon Stewart: I'll thank you to keep my zingers out of your mouth. I'll try to remember you the way you used to be.
Krusty: But I've always been terrible!

Nelson to the print journalist: Ha ha! Your medium is dying.
Principal Skinner: Nelson.
Nelson: But it is!
Principal Skinner: There's being right and there's being nice.

Kirk: Luann, a picture of you cheating on me is downloading to my computer. I'll know who you were cheating on me with in less than six hours. Unless someone picks up the phone.

Comic Book Guy: ...and that is why The Lord of the Rings can never be filmed.

Ralph about Donnie: When he grows up I wanna be like me!

Willy: It was rats within rats! Which was also my dinner last night.

Apu: You have made a very powerless enemy!

Homer: Dad, are you sure you're okay to drive at night?
Grampa Simpson: It's night?!

Mayor Quimby: It was a rhetorical question.
Lisa: And I used rhetoric in my answer!

Judge: Lurlene, the court orders you to make payments of $100 a week until such time as your music comes back in style or becomes appreciated for its camp value.

Carl: Springfield U sucks!
Sideshow Mel: A&M cheerleaders are clumsy!
Carl: Your superstar professors treat undergrads like an afterthought!
Sideshow Mel: Your tenure track is heavily politicized!

Skinner: Well if we can't get into Sundance, do you want to check out its alternative cousin, Slamdance?
Chalmers: I would rather die.

Sideshow Mel (as narrator): This distinguished-looking gentleman is a highly respected actor. It's not important what he says or who he's a parody of...

Krusty: Go to my joke file and make all the Sophia Lorens into Lindsay Lohans.
Lisa: So, do a global change?
Krusty: What am I, Al Gore? Just do it!

Sideshow Mel: Applause is an addiction, like heroin or checking your email.

Homer: I loved you, man.
Ned: For the last few weeks. But most of the time I've known you, you've treated me like dirt.
Homer: You hang on to resentment like a Confederate widow!
Ned: I forgave you for accidentally killing my wife.
Homer: Yeah, but you hang on to the big things.

Mapple Guy: Sir, it's not even turned on.
Homer: But it's glowing.
Mapple Guy: That light confirms that it's off.

CBG: Traitor! Your heart is blacker than your turtleneck!

Mapple Chick: Who dares question the boss we fired ten years ago and then brought back?!

Kearney: What's your name, Sweat Stain?
Bashir: Um. Bashir.
Kearney: "Bash Here"? I love a kid that comes with directions.

Marge about the model UN: Are you saying Lisa's not there?
Martin: To the extent that you can trust the word of a Belgian, yes!

Lisa: As a rational skeptic I find that hard to believe. Also as a vegetarian I hope there's not meat in that sauce.
Luigi: Any other orders, Mussolini?

Skinner: For your information I am not a loser, I'm a successful principal who paints houses in the summertime.

Otto: Hey Skinner, wanna see our impression of you?
Skinner: Well I guess I could use an affectionate homage.

Mrs. Skinner: I've been cleaved!

Chalmers: Lisa, like Captain Kirk I'm not supposed to interfere. But like TJ Hooker I say what is on my mind. If you don't know the answer just guess.

Skinner: Time to do what I've never done as principal. Something!

Lenny: Homer I was wondering. How can you afford this party year after year?
Homer: Because I have a magical thing called a home equity loan. I borrow all the money I want and the house gets stuck with the bill. Sucker!
Lenny: I'm not sure that's how it works.
Homer: Fine Mr. Skeptical, gimme back your beads.
Lenny: But—
Homer: Beads please.

Flanders: 3-2-1. It's Ash Wednesday everybody! Put down your gins and confess your sins!

Nun singing: "If you're happy and you know it that's a sin."

Mr. Burns: Well well. If it isn't the Tardy Boys and Nancy Clueless.
Lisa: Mr. Burns! What are you doing here?
Mr. Burns: Oh I've known about the gem for years. You see, dear girl, I joined the Freemasons before it was trendy. That's my eyeball on the dollar bill. That's also my pyramid.

Smithers: Feels good to help someone. Doesn't it, sir?
Mr. Burns: No. It feels weird.

Milhouse: This really sucks, Bart. I'm grounded and spend all day listening to my dad yell at Mad Money with Jim Cramer.
Kirk: You said tech stocks were bulletproof!

Principal Skinner: Superintendent Chalmers! What are you doing in another school?
Superintendent Chalmers: Seymour, as superintendent I supervise every school in the district.
Principal Skinner: So you're overseeing other people?
Superintendent Chalmers: I'm sorry if you misunderstood our arrangement.
Principal Skinner: What am I supposed to tell our children?
Superintendent Chalmers: They already know. And they're happy for us.

Alaska Nebraska: I am so tired of fans in my food.
Lisa: Alaska, we've never met. But everyone thinks I'm your best friend.
Alaska Nebraska: Wait wait, let me guess. I'm supposed to give all your best friends front row seats and backstage passes.
Lisa: Could you?
Alaska Nebraska: First, riddle me this: what's your favorite episode of my show?
Lisa: You have a show?

Kate Lynn: Those are last year's shoes! Kill her!
Caitlin: Also, it's Lisa.
Kate Lynn: Kill her twice!

King Julio of Spain: Hello, Queenie Baby.
Queen Elizabeth: Forget it! I've seen you making goo goo eyes at my court jester.
King Julio of Spain: Well I like a man who can make me laugh. But for you, I'll make an exception.
Queen Elizabeth: Hands off my harlequin! This is 1588 and his material is fresh and hip.

Lenny: There's something in our house.
Crabby: Let's put a pickaxe in his brain!
Lenny: You're in marketing. Why'd you even bring an axe?
Crabby: If you were in marketing you'd know.

Lisa: Looks like Maggie wants a story too.
Marge: Oo! The Fountainhead.
Lisa: Isn't that book the bible of right-wing losers?
Mrs. Skinner: Yeah, but the guy on the book jacket is one sexy slice of beefcake.

Disco Stu: Disco Stu is about more than disco. I'm also—huh!—super Christian.

Guard: Why didn't you try to stop him?!
One-armed Guard: I did once.

Mr. Burns: I'm afraid your daily donuts are no more.
Homer: You can't do that.
Mr. Burns: Until Mr. Roosevelt's New Deal starts working, this country's still in a depression. And I'm spending a fortune on atoms!

Krusty: Oh, why do clown things always happen to clowns?

Krusty: I work like I drink. Alone. But with a monkey watching me.

Cletus: You gonna shoot them Google Earth folks what caught me with my britches down?

Mr. Burns playing Funtendo Zii: Wait, I'm shooting at Nazis? That's not how I remember it.

Principal Skinner: So the lesson is, children—
Michelle Obama (Angela Bassett): I'll tell them what the lesson is.
Superindent Chalmers: He's our Joe Biden.
Michelle Obama (Angela Bassett): Understood.

Jacob: I'm pushy? Please! You stay there, surrounded by your great enemy, Canada. Try Syria for two months. Then we'll see who's pushy.

Mr. Burns: And so our Employee of the Month is the late Roger Ducette. Who tragically died from complications due to union organizing.

Guard: Time for a cavity search!
Burns: I haven't had a cavity in over forty years.
Guard: I wasn't talking about your teeth.
Burns: Nor was I.

Manjula: What a great father I say sarcastically.
Apu: If only that mark on your forehead was an off button.

Grandma Bouvier: Patty and Selma, there's something evil about them. Do you know that they smoked when I was pregnant with them?

Moe: Think of it as a a wake-up call from a man who ain't got nothin' but a blow-up doll. And even she left me. I should not have used helium.

Sideshow Bob: Blasted Wiggum! How did you find us?
Wiggum: You see Bob, Bart was never convinced you were Walt. So before he left for the game he called us and warned us to track you. Which we were able to do through the dashboard of your car. Which like all hybrids is secretly monitored by the government.

Krusty (judging the ugly dog contest): That one's so ugly it reminds me of my ex-wife! (silence from the audience) That one reminds me of her lawyer.... congress... elderly drivers... commercials. Bella Abzug

Homer: Watchin' hockey. Watchin' them pass that puck. Oh yeah.
Bar Patron: It's lacrosse, idiot.

Bar Patron: Hey man, can you settle a bet? What was the greatest XFL team that never one a championship?
Homer: Uh... the Long Island Ice Teas?
Bar Patron: I think you want the gay bar across the street.

Simon Cowell: How do you like LA?
Moe: Oh it's a hell of a city. It's like someone stepped on New York and scraped it off on a beach.
Simon Cowell: Clever. Slightly nasty. Very impressive.

Grampa: Sure is hell to have your husband around all the time, ain't it?
Marge: At least in hell the heat still works.

Moe: Simon? Huh. Was he really here or was it just my imagination?
Simon Cowell: I'm here. My black tee shirt makes me blend into the shadows. I'm here. I'm gone. I'm here. I'm gone. I'm here. I'm gone.
Moe: I get it. I get it. That's your thing.

Ryan Seacrest: Okay. Randy, what did you think of that performance?
Randy Jackson: A'ight, a'ight. You know what? I was feeling that, dog. Happy was very cool, right? But "birth" was definitely a little pitchy. But I gotta tell you something, you worked it out on "day", man. And then when you hit that "to you"? Dude, that was the bomb. You blew out all the candles, baby.
Ryan Seacrest: If you think that answer was a "yes". Text the number at the bottom of your screen. Giant secret charges may apply.

Moe: There is one bright side. I'm also forbidden from watching FOX.
Marge: You can't even show it in the bar?
Moe: That's right. And business has never been better.

Kent Brockman: And now to comment on joining the ranks of Martin Luther King, Gandhi and Desmond Tutu, here's the man who always parks in my spot, Krusty the Klown.

Krusty: What's going on? Where's my Nobel Prize?
Officer: There is no prize. It was merely a rouse to get you to Europe. So we could try you for the terrible crimes you committed on this continent.
Krusty: It was all a setup. You gotta read me the charges!
Officer: You dropped a monkey from the Eiffel Tower.
Krusty: Uh huh.
Officer: In Greece you committed something called "Aggravated Hey Hey".
Krusty: Forgot about that one.
Officer: And here in Holland you stole the entire act of our beloved clown Von Krusten.

Kurt: In a way, I think we learned more from her than she did from us.
Ethan: Yeah, well, obviously. 'Cause we taught her nothing.

Dahlia Brinkley: Two clubs? Well that's a bridge bid, not an Ivy League application.

Nelson: Get a room you two!
Lisa: We're brother and sister
Milhouse: So are my parents. I think.

Nelson: This is it, Simpson. After this your nose will not be an outie.

Fox News: Not Racist, But #1 with Racists

Introducing the Kitty Melt
Krusty: You know, I don't know when this was ever a good idea.

Burns: I'm warning you. You are making a very powerful temporary enemy.

Burns: Smithers, I want to die quietly. On my own terms. Crushing as many of those baby sea turtles as I possibly can.

Bart: Look, I know you're cool now, but my dad hates you more than celery and my mom said no new pets. So I'm hiding you in my room.
Burns: Oatmeal accept premise.

Patty: Simpson, you're shipping out tonight.
Marge: Right before Christmas?
Patty: HItler doesn't take a holiday!
Selma: Well he does, but he doesn't tell people until the last minute so they can't make plans.
Patty: Bastard.

A Fluppet Christmas Special
Mr. Burns: Last night I had a visit from three spirits.
Grampa (Waldorf): I wish this show had a visit from three new writers.

Fat Tony: To heterosexual male friendship! The kind the Greeks wrote about.

Fat Tony: In the strip club of my heart, you held the key to the champagne room.

FBI Agent: Homer, I just want to say that, of all the rat bastards we've had working for us, you were the snitchiest.

Homer: Fat Tony!
Fit Tony: No, I'm his cousin from San Diego. "Fit" Tony.
Homer: Wow. I've never seen a mobster use a track suit for exercising.

Homer: What kind of a world is this?
Fit Tony: It's pretty screwed up. That's why I keep my friends close.
Homer: And your enemies closer?
Fit Tony: No. Why would I do that? If they were close they would kill me.

Nelson: I hate you fifth graders!
I deem this victory [?].
Fifth Grader: Your response is puerile!
Puerile! Puerile!

Bart: ...And absolutely no Brazilian hardwood.
Fifth Grader: Is this a rumble or a Harvest dance?
Bart: Okay, you want hardwood?
Fifth Grader: No no!
Bart: Then let's do this thing.

Bart: Are you sure none of you guys gave me this?
Kearney: I'm going through my bully logbook here, but I just don't see it.
Jimbo: Don't be afraid to use your glasses.

Dr. Hibbert: Listen are you going to see him now? Give him some news for me. Tell him it's the Worst. Prognosis. Ever.

Patty: The city won't let us march in the Springfield Founder's Parade.
Moe: Well who needs 'em. We can have our own parade.
Julio: We do. Like twenty of them.

Digby Sheridan: Crap. Total crap. You! Writer! What's your name?
David Mamet: Um. David Mamet.
Digby Sheridan: Well, "Mr. Mamet". Why don't you *bleep* learn how to *bleep* write a *bleep* script!
David Mamet: Hm. *bleep* I could use that.

Hairdresser: Marge, it's time I told you the truth. You've been grayer than a Seattle Cinco de Mayo for years now.
Marge: Really?
Hairdresser: Yes, the dye not only colors your hair but the fumes wipe the experience from your mind.

Under a photo of Ricky Gervais
Do not allow this man to host.

Rolling 80: Hey, you two are honorary members for life. That means if any other gang sees you, they'll kill you.

Ricky Gervais: What do you think?
Not-Ridley Scott: I'm a seat filler.
Ricky Gervais: Well why didn't you say that a minute ago? Don't take any of my ideas.

Park Ranger: This park's environment has been preserved free of invasive species. Except for one. Rock climbers.

Nelson: Bart, this is Fools Porn. I'll take it off your hands. {goes behind cactus} C'est si bon! Si bon! Si bon! And... remorse.

Bart: Cool! Are they robots?
Suitcase Suzy: No. Robots can develop human feelings. We're graduates of Arizona State.

Otto: You sell drugs. Why can't you dress like that?
Dealer: Because I use them too, idiot.

Kent Brockman: The Queen will be held without bail until the samples return from the lab.

Kent Brockman: Now these home grown heroes will kick off their summer tour at Squidport's new amphitheater, The Clampitheater. The eight hundred million dollar boondoggle based on nothing more than a cute play on words.

Homer: Do I get to meet Dave?
Cheech Marin: There is no Dave.
Homer: How about Don Johnson?
Cheech: It'd be easier to meet Dave.

Knock knock
Chong: Who is it?
Cheech: It's me, Dave, man. Open up. I got the stuff.
Chong: Who?
Cheech: Dave, man.
Chong: Dave's not here.
Homer: Hold on, let me get the door. Who are you?
Cheech: It's Dave, man.
Chong: You ruined it, man. You weren't supposed to open the door.
Homer: Oh! Okay, wait. Let me start again. I'll be out here with you.

Burns: Help! Curtail my ascent! Curtail it, I say!
Homer: Hey, Burns needs our help.
Carl: Yeah, let's just shoot at him and see what happens.

Raymondo (Martin Landau): Any idiot with a soul patch and a deck of cards thinks he's a magician.

Lenny: Why don't you do here what you do at the nuclear plant? Namely, suck.

Principal Skinner: Mother, it is my birthday not our anniversary!

Lisa: There's two things you didn't count on. My dad getting a giant wedding cake and my sister locking herself in the car.
Skinner: We planned for the wedding cake. We just didn't see the baby thing coming.
Chalmers: Well you should have.
Skinner: How could I? She wasn't even born yet.

The title of Lisa's speech: I Have a Team

Superindent Chalmers: ...and you may not refer to this experience as Kafka-esque or Orwellian.

Mrs. Krabappel: Okay Bart, what's going on? I'm a teacher in the bathroom with a student. That's why most of these people are here in the first place.

Ned: You're a former missus. So where's your husband buried.
Mrs. Krabappel: Probably between the Hooters of the coat check girl in Shelbyville.

Ned: Guess I better refenestrate you.

Chalmers: Good news, Edna. The governor crushed the teacher's union so you don't have to stay here anymore.