Homer: I loved you, man.
Ned: For the last few weeks. But most of the time I've known you, you've treated me like dirt.
Homer: You hang on to resentment like a Confederate widow!
Ned: I forgave you for accidentally killing my wife.
Homer: Yeah, but you hang on to the big things.

Denis Leary: Can I give you some advice?
Marge: Of course! You're Denis Leary.
Denis Leary: Give your kid back the phone, but first activate its built-in GPS system. That way you can log on to your carrier's web site and track your son's movements. The way I track every actor who gets a movie that I was up for.
Marge: Shouldn't you just be happy for their success?
Denis Leary: I should be a lot of things, lady.

Homer about the rigged voting booth: This doesn't happen in America! Maybe Ohio, but not in America.

Homer: Is there something different about the kitchen?
Transformed Appliances: No. No.
Homer: Well. The toaster's never lied to me before.

Crazy Ethel's Daycare Center: Where your child learns to trust strangers

Krusty: Entertain the troops? No way! What have they ever done for me?

Comic Book Guy: Rip Taylor? You're not even dead!
Rip Taylor: Someone needs to check my apartment.

Homer: Before you kill me, I've gotta know. What is the one true religion?
Krusty: Eh, it's a mix of voodoo and Methodist.

Groundskeeper Willie: Care for a pumpkin seed?
Grand Pumpkin: You roast the unborn?!

Nelson: Touch me and I'll cut your friend.
Grand Pumpkin: What do I care. That's a yellow pumpkin.
Nelson: You're a racist!
Grand Pumpkin: All pumpkins are racist. The difference is I admit it.
Nelson getting eaten: I'd rather die than hate!

Lisa: BART. San Francisco People Mover!
Bart: Speaking of San Francisco People Movers...

Lisa: Guess what, mom? I'm a cruciverbalist!
Marge: Another religion? You know you're just going to drop the whole thing when you go to college and get a Jewish boyfriend.
Lisa: Probably. But a cruciverbalist is a fan of crossword puzzles. Which I am!
Grampa: Me too. I've been doing them since 1958. Back then we called them "alphabet hotels" because every letter gets its own little room.

Lisa: Grampa, everyone knows that the only real test of skill is the New York Times puzzle, edited by Will Shortz.
Grampa: Will and shorts. Two things I'm no longer allowed to change by myself.

Homer: Wow. Nobody gives better parenting advice than childless drunks.

Mapple Guy: Sir, it's not even turned on.
Homer: But it's glowing.
Mapple Guy: That light confirms that it's off.

CBG: Traitor! Your heart is blacker than your turtleneck!

Mapple Chick: Who dares question the boss we fired ten years ago and then brought back?!

Bart: Stupid angry mob, chasing me because I shine a harsh light on modern society. Now I know how Dane Cook feels.

Kearney: What's your name, Sweat Stain?
Bashir: Um. Bashir.
Kearney: "Bash Here"? I love a kid that comes with directions.

Moe: This Bashir kid is Muslim. And therefore up to something.
Homer: Oh. I can't believe that until I see a fictional TV program espousing your point of view.

Marge: Homer that's very nice of you having Bart's Muslim friend's Muslim family over.
Homer: Here's the plan. You keep them drunk. I'll be listening. And quietly judging.

Marge: You're teaching Bart a terrible lesson of intolerance!
Homer: I'm sorry. It's just so fun and easy to judge people based on their religion.
Marge: I want you to go over to their house and apologize.
Homer: But we're the more powerful country for a few more years!

Skinner: By the way, I enjoyed the photos of your trip to Yosemite.
Homer: Oh, that. We were actually going out for brunch and I got lost. But don't worry, Officer. We'll definitely have a talk with the boy.

Marge about the model UN: Are you saying Lisa's not there?
Martin: To the extent that you can trust the word of a Belgian, yes!

Lisa: Dad, just because you won a high school election doesn't mean your whole life would've been better.
Homer: That's exactly what it means! And Dondelinger took that life away from me. And the taking of a life is murder. And the punishment for murder is— well it varies from state to state and by race.

Lisa: As a rational skeptic I find that hard to believe. Also as a vegetarian I hope there's not meat in that sauce.
Luigi: Any other orders, Mussolini?

"March Madness" is not an excuse for missing school

B: What's going on?
M: It's the first day of school!
Homer: You're the government's problem now!

Welcome Back Students! Miss Caldecott is now Mr. Newbery

Skinner: At the end of the month we'll be participating in the Vice Presidents Assessment Test
Nelson: He stinks!
Skinner: We're assessing you, not him.
Nelson: Withdrawn.

Lisa: Dad! Bart's throwing away his future!
Homer: Oh no! Now who will sell oranges on the off-ramp?

Homer: For the first time in my life I'm financially responsible for my actions!

Skinner: For your information I am not a loser, I'm a successful principal who paints houses in the summertime.

Jimbo: Hey Skinner, wanna see our impression of you?
Skinner: Well I guess I could use an affectionate homage.

Mrs. Skinner: I've been cleaved!

Chalmers: Lisa, like Captain Kirk I'm not supposed to interfere. But like TJ Hooker I say what is on my mind. If you don't know the answer just guess.

Skinner: Time to do what I've never done as principal. Something!

Groundskeeper Willie: Skinner! Otto! Bullies! The cowabunga kid. And the wee nit wit. It's so good to see you all.

Homer: Oh Mardi Gras, oh Mardi Gras! You see a lot of boobies.

Lenny: Homer I was wondering. How can you afford this party year after year?
Homer: Because I have a magical thing called a home equity loan. I borrow all the money I want and the house gets stuck with the bill. Sucker!
Lenny: I'm not sure that's how it works.
Homer: Fine Mr. Skeptical, gimme back your beads.
Lenny: But—
Homer: Beads please.

Flanders: 3-2-1. It's Ash Wednesday everybody! Put down your gins and confess your sins!

Homer: Marge, don't worry. It's like when we stopped paying the phone bill. They stopped calling us. In fact everyone did.

Homer: He's nailing something to our door!
Lisa: Hm. I wonder if it's theses.
Homer: That's gross.

Marge: How about a family outing?
Bart: A family outing? I'll start. Lisa's gay!

Marge to herself: Wait a second Marge. Do you really want to use your baby as a tool to spy on your husband?
Lisa: Yes you do.
Marge: I wasn't talking to you.
Lisa: When you say it, it's not just in your head.

Kent Brockman: A total eclipse is like a woman breastfeeding in a restaurant. It's free, it's beautiful, but under no circumstances should you look at it.

Lisa: Okay people, we've hit penumbra. Brace yourself for umbra!

Homer: Wolves are taking all our women!

Mother Superior: Look at that. One of God's discarded miracles.
Homer: Augh! Catholics!

Nun singing: "If you're happy and you know it that's a sin."

Mr. Burns: Well well. If it isn't the Tardy Boys and Nancy Clueless.
Lisa: Mr. Burns! What are you doing here?
Mr. Burns: Oh I've known about the gem for years. You see, dear girl, I joined the Freemasons before it was trendy. That's my eyeball on the dollar bill. That's also my pyramid.

Marge: Sorry, but I know God would never ask a mother to sacrifice her child for the good of the world. pause Again.

Smithers: Feels good to help someone. Doesn't it, sir?
Mr. Burns: No. It feels weird.

Milhouse: This really sucks, Bart. I'm grounded and spend all day listening to my dad yell at Mad Money with Jim Cramer.
Kirk: You said tech stocks were bulletproof!

Homer: "Thing I want to do before I die." "Pitch in the Negro Leagues." I can think of at least two problems with that. Can't read that one, my thumb's over it. "Have one more beer at O'Flanagan's Pub." We'll do that one.

Pilot: Welcome to Ireland. Also known as the Emerald Isle, Potatoville. East Boston. Freckle Bog, the Land of Poetry and the Land of Bad Poetry.

Homer: Ireland doesn't like pubs anymore. It's as if Danish people stopped like sleek, modern design.

Grampa: Moe, you shipped yourself here?
Moe: No, it's how you fly coach on Delta now.

Grampa: Are you saying we should break the law?
Moe: The law? That jerk?!

Homer: America is the New York Yankees of countries. Powerful and respected until the year 2000.

Homer the helicopter parent: Blackhawk down! Blackhawk down!

Oscar Wilde: Homer, there are only two tragedies in life. One is not getting what one wants and the other is getting it.
Homer: But that makes no sense.
Oscar Wilde: Experience is simply the name we give to our mistakes.
Homer: Shut up!
Oscar Wilde: "These days, man knows the price of everything. And the value of nothing."
Homer: Whatever happened to Boo!"!?

Homer: I'm sorry. I got carried away. From now on the only thing I'll ever do for you is co-sign if you want a gun. But at least I made Lisa popular. he gets a text. "I Ha-Eight This"? Wha?
Lisa: I'm sorry Dad, these girls are nice on the surface but it's hard work staying this shallow. I hope you understand.
Homer: Yeah. It's clear to me now. The best thing I can do as a parent is simply check out.
Lisa: No. There's a middle ground.
Homer: Lisa, the light bulb is either on or it's off.
Lisa: Not if you use a dimmer switch.
Homer: That's what the dimmer switch companies want you to think.

Lisa: Bart, in my concurrent adventure I learned a really important lesson.

Marge about sciencewater: The label is all in lowercase. It's like drinking ee cummings!

Homer: We can't afford to move to Waverly Hills. Their house prices have commas in them. As it is, our lawn is just green-painted cement.

Homer: Four walls? Oh... I was thinking more of something in a two- or three.

Principal Skinner: Superintendent Chalmers! What are you doing in another school?
Superintendent Chalmers: Seymour, as superintendent I supervise every school in the district.
Principal Skinner: So you're overseeing other people?
Superintendent Chalmers: I'm sorry if you misunderstood our arrangement.
Principal Skinner: What am I supposed to tell our children?
Superintendent Chalmers: They already know. And they're happy for us.

Alaska Nebraska: I am so tired of fans in my food.
Lisa: Alaska, we've never met. But everyone thinks I'm your best friend.
Alaska Nebraska: Wait wait, let me guess. I'm supposed to give all your best friends front row seats and backstage passes.
Lisa: Could you?
Alaska Nebraska: First, riddle me this: what's your favorite episode of my show?
Lisa: You have a show?

Kate Lynn: Those are last year's shoes! Kill her!
Caitlin: Also, it's Lisa.
Kate Lynn: Kill her twice!

King Julio of Spain: Hello, Queenie Baby.
Queen Elizabeth: Forget it! I've seen you making goo goo eyes at my court jester.
King Julio of Spain: Well I like a man who can make me laugh. But for you, I'll make an exception.
Queen Elizabeth: Hands off my harlequin! This is 1588 and his material is fresh and hip.

Lenny: There's something in our house.
Crabby: Let's put a pickaxe in his brain!
Lenny: You're in marketing. Why'd you even bring an axe?
Crabby: If you were in marketing you'd know.

Lisa: Looks like Maggie wants a story too.
Marge: Oo! The Fountainhead.
Lisa: Isn't that book the bible of right-wing losers?
Mrs. Skinner: Yeah, but the guy on the book jacket is one sexy slice of beefcake.

It's "Facebook" not "Assbook"

Lawyer: Studies show your Krustyburger is the unhealthiest fast food item in the world.
Krusty: Worse than the Double Krustyburger?
Lawyer: Somehow, yes.

Homer: Look at me! I'm saving the earth! Where's my Nobel Prize?

Lisa: I'd just like to remind you that we were all immigrants at one time.
Homer: Well you were a baby once. Does that mean that you still like milk and hugs?
Lisa: Yes. I'd like both right now.

Marge: You lost your job?
Homer: It's not my fault! Those Ogdenville guys plied me with their native liquers and liquors. But mostly liquers.
Marge: Poor Homey! And you with your alcoholism.
Homer: Yeah.

Lenny: What are you Barley jacks waiting for? Get in here!
Ogdenvillian: We'd be more than pleased to join you donut dunkers.