Tom Colicchio: For your prize, you have won a new kitchen. Which I will now become. {he transforms} Ow! Ow! I miss my Soulpatch.

Homer: Wayne, maybe it's the me being still alive talking, but I think you're awesome.

Homer: Your voice is so gravelly. Just like Lauren Bacall.

Wayne Slater (Kiefer Sutherland): I'm sorry. I have so many nightmares I've done unspeakable things. From Buenos Aires to the Ukraine.
Marge: Well what brought you to Springfield? Was it our Frit-o-Lay Distribution Center?
Wayne: I needed somewhere to lie low. Your town appears on no maps or charts.
Homer: Yeah, they couldn't find a Google Map photo without me naked or urinating.
Marge: And when there was a mapmaker's convention here, they all got Lou Gehrig's Disease.
Homer: Not the one you're thinking of. There was another one.

Bart: Remember every thing they say and tell us later in rattle code. {she shakes her rattle} What do you mean no?!

Homer: Death to America!
Ukrainian Gangster: Stick to script.
Homer: Fine. "I am being held somewhere in the Springfield area." Turn the card.
Ukrainian Gangster: Hold up today's newspaper.
Homer: What will you use when there aren't newspapers anymore?
Ukrainian Gangster: Perhaps we'll be living in a world where there'll be no need for kidnappings.
Homer: Oh. Well way to make me feel obsolete.

Wayne walks past Tsarbuck's, Insame in the Ukraine and Cossacks Fifth Avenue
Wayne: I'd take a moment to enjoy those store names if I didn't have a job to do.

Homer: So much violence on the surface world.

Walter: Yes Maggie, we will have a use for you soon. Stay close to your Busybox.

Being Short is No Hinderance to Greatness:

Kim Jong Il: Why someday I am going to be Dear Leader.
Man: Ha ha ha! You! You are too benevolent to be Dear Leader.
Kim Jong Il: Let's see what they think!

K is for Korea (just the north part)
I is for the internet he bans
M is for the millions that are missing
J is for our human-tasting jam
O is for Oh, boy we love our leader
N is for the best Korea: North
G is for Gee whiz, we love our leader

What our fans have joined together, let no writer rip asunder

It's not too early to speculate about the 2016 election

School Fundraiser
This Year's Theme: Drowning in Debt

Homer: They always come up with such catchy ways to make us pay for things we don't need for kids we didn't want.

Chalmers: I know I can superintend. I can superintend like the wind! But teach? It's been years. And we both know how that went, don't we Gary?
Young Chalmers: So. You are the so-called Breakfast Club.
Andrew: Wrong room. We're the fight club.
Chalmers: Thank god they never went on to do anything since.

Chalmers: Now I'm sure you know who these guys are.
Bart: Dollar bill guy. Five dollar bill guy. Sex guy. Will Farrell. Black guy.
Chalmers: Bart, what if I told you there was a president who was an actual cowboy?
Bart: I'd act like I'm interested. But inside I'd be bored.
Chalmers: That's as good a place to start as any.

Bart: You've filled my head with horse poop and atheism! And all these years I thought I was unteachable.
Chalmers: Let's stop talking now.

Lisa: I went through my TR phase in first grade. Now I realize that the greatest Roosevelt is Franklin.
Bart: Balderdash. Teddy Roosevelt protected America's wildlife.
Lisa: Yeah. So he could shoot it himself! Franklin Roosevelt lead his country through the Depression and World War II. Face on a dime!
Bart: Face on a mountain!
Grampa: I hated the Roosevelts and all them family dynasties. The Kennedys, the Bushes, John Voigt and Angelina Jolie, Mayor Daly and his smart-ass son, The Daily Show.
Lisa: That's a lot of anger, Grampa.
Grampa: Well I like Stephen Colbert. But that's because I don't get the joke.

Milhouse: I love Teddy Roosevelt, 'cause he had asthma as a kid.
Jimbo: I love him, 'cause he said "bully."
Dolph: The dude really knew how to rock some jodhpurs.

Chalmers: Boys need to explore, build things, wreck things and then build them again.

Nelson: Gravity blows!

FOX News Chopper ominously appearing: Watch Hannity today at 8!

Bart: Sir, of all the books and movies about Teddy Roosevelt, which would you say is the most informative?
Chalmers: No question. Night at the Museum.
Bart: One or two?
Chalmers: Take your pick, you can't go wrong.

Marge: I take your sugary sweets and I give you healthy items. Plain brown toothbrushes, unflavored dental floss, and fun-sized mouthwashes. TSA-approved.
Bart: This is exactly why kids need a union.

Marge: No sneaking off and eating that candy yourself!
Homer: Marge, you know I'd never do that. I'm too scared of the evil Switch Witch!
Marge: The Switch Witch is me.
Homer: You know, on some level I've always known.

Homer: Hello, 911? I need a helicopter rescue and some cold milk.
911: Copy that, sir. Be there in twenty minutes.
Homer: What?! I can't wait that long for candy! The only sane thing to do is chew off my arm.

Homer: Okay, I'm on the floor. I can't move. So far a normal Sunday morning.

Homer: Ah, Halloween. The one time of year when our squalor works to our advantage.

Homer: "I miss holding you in my arms more than my butt can say." [...] For further information I will require more beans."

Ned: Springfield. My home town. Pretty little place. Although even the Garden of Eden can use a nice cleansing rain now and then. [...] All these years I thought murder was a sin, then I got new instructions from the good Lord himself in His favorite language: English.

Homer: Okay, stupid Flanders. First I want you to kill that guy at the ice cream parlor that gave Homer Simpson a cone that had a little air in it.
Ned: Really?
Homer: Come on, God does crazy things! Check your Old Testament!
Bart: Hey Dad!
Homer: Hey Bart. I mean Jesus.

Ned: I'm going down and my hand basket seats two!

Marge: But you're God. Couldn't you make everything the way it was?
God: Well I could, but the big man downstairs wouldn't like it.
Devil: Get me a coffee!
God: Yes sir.
Ned: Could this get any worse?
Maude: Honey, come back to bed.
Ned: Oh for crying out loud.

Kamala: And now let us touch testicles and mate for life.
Bart: Don't you mean tentacles?
Kamala: I know what I said.

Bart: Traitor! How dare you betray the planet I got laid on.

Lisa: Halloween is over. Which means, America, it's time to start your Christmas shopping. Infuse our stagnate economy with dollars we don't really have.
Bart: And whatever you do, avoid the urge to make homemade gifts.
Marge: Knitting one sweater for someone costs twenty-seven Americans their jobs.
Moe: And don't forget, Christmas is a wonderful time to take up Alcoholism. Come on, you see your family all year 'round. The holidays are for your bartender.

Grampa: When are we doing the Black Swan?

It's November 6th -- How come we're not airing a Halloween Show?

Lisa: Isn't that awfully similar to the cootie patch you did last year?
Bart: That was preventitive. This is morning after.

Martin: Ah, to be a mathlete without the "m."

Old Man: Hey Skippy, we need some more of them lovable critters for our friends at the home.
Grampa Simpson: Unless you got any heroin.
Old Man: You got any heroin?

Homer: You're mean!
Roz Davis (Jane Lynch): And I want a list of a hundred ways to make your job worse by close of business today.
Homer: Can one of the hundred be making the list?
Roz Davis: No.
Homer: Can some of them be callbacks to earlier ones?
Roz Davis: Also no.
Homer: Oh!

Professor Frink: I hereby call to order this meeting of the North American Man Bot Love Asociation.
Nerd: I'll say this one more time: we really should change that name.

Homer: This Saturday, from the day who brought you cemetary paintball and go-karts on real roads, comes the greatest activity yet!
Lisa and Bart: Video game convention!

Homer: Is there any better feeling than cutting in line because a plastic badge says you're special

Marge: Why do old squirrels always crawl into my engine to die?

Lisa: They're using pancakes as spoons.
Bart: Oo! Let's see what else they do wrong.

Foodie: We discovered Korean barbecue in this town!
Lisa: Uh. Before the Koreans?
Foodie: Oh sure, they cook it, but they don't get it.

Homer: Marge! The kids are acting ethnic!

Lisa: People are loving our list of Springfield's top ninety-nine Afghan restaurants.
Bart: I feel bad for all those places that didn't make the cut.

Anthony Bourdain: I'm food bad boy Tony Bourdain. There's nowhere I won't go and nothing I won't eat. As long as I'm paid in emeralds and my hotel room has a bidet that shoots warm champagne.

Mario Batali: Everything's more fun with Homer.

Gordon Ramsey: Now get out of my dream.
Marge: It's my dream.
Gordon Ramsey: Not anymore it's not.

Homer: Actually I've come around on hipsters. It takes a lot of guts to all wear the same hat.

Announcer: So remember: take good care of the Earth. Or we could suffer the same fate as the dinosaurs.
Marge: Oo, kids, did you hear that lesson?
Bart: How is that a lesson? The point of the dinosaurs is, no matter what we do, an asteroid's going to wipe us out. So we should party hard and wreck the place.
Homer: Yeah. Why should the asteroid have all the fun?

Lisa: Dad! Follow that dinosaur!
Homer: I've waited my whole life to hear that.

T.R. Francis: I hate to break it to you, but all the books you kids love are conceived in executive board rooms. The plots are based on market research. And the pages are churned out by a room full of pill-popping lit majors desperate for work.

Bart: Whatever the job is, I'm not interested.
Homer: A million bucks has changed stupider minds than yours.
Bart: I like the beat. Play me the tune.
Homer: We're taking down kids who read.
Bart: Chapter book crowd. That's a juicy peach. But what's the cream?
Homer: I'm putting together a tween lit gang write.
Bart: Tween lit gang write?
Homer: Tween lit gang write. But this Babar needs a Zephyr.
Bart: A Zephyr?
Homer: You're the Zephyr.
Bart: This better not turn out like Kansas City.
Homer: It won't be like Kansas City.

Lisa: This is how real writers do it. I'll just bang out two thousand words and then I'll stop. Even if I'm on fire. I gotta pace myself.

Bart: Okay, Gaiman. You're in. Your job is to get lunch. And lose the British accent.
Neil Gaiman: Cheeseburgers! French fries! I'm all over that, pal.

Neil Gaiman: I'm so proud of us.
Bart: Oh, you didn't write any of it.
Neil Gaiman: That tuna didn't salad itself.

Homer: Do the characters still say trolly instead of cool?
Exec (Andy Garcia): No.
Homer: Oh, that is so untrolly!

Exec: Hey, if you don't want your words changed write a screenplay. We own your book.

Exec: Good evening, gentlemen.
Bart: Kansas City.
Homer: Kansas City.

Homer: You switched the drives?
Lisa: I got the idea from every movie ever made.

Lisa: And the best part is, my face is still on the backflap. {she checks} Gaiman!

Krusty: My comedy comes from taking risks. Or avoiding them. I can't remember.

Krusty: Why can't I be funny with just my words? Bill Maher doesn't put dangerous things near his crotch. Except when he's off work.

Smithers: As safety inspector he hasn't exactly set the world on fire. Although he came close several times.

Robert Marlowe (John Slattery): Before you say yes, Simpson, I feel it's my duty to warn you. Account men lose their soul.
Homer: Woo hoo! No more church!

Marlowe: There ain't enough bourbon in Kentucky for you, big guy.
Homer: Yeah. The governor wrote me a letter to that effect.

Bart: I'll get one of those jobs where you don't need to read. Like French fry maker or general.
Lisa: Well you're getting my help.
Bart: Forget it.
Lisa: Don't you want to be able to read the things people carve into your chest in prison?
Bart: I guess.

"Caucus" is not a dirty word

Marge: No more TV. We're going to get some fresh air and visit the museum. Of television.
Lisa: Why can't we visit a real museum? One that doesn't have the skeletons of the Three Stooges in the lobby.

Annie Dubinsky (Joan Rivers): If you ever hear a star's name and wonder, "Is he dead?" The answer is either I represent him, or yes.

Annie Dubinsky: Would you played a bloated corpse on CSI?
Homer: Would I!
Annie Dubinsky: Wow, that's good bloat work.
Bart: He always comes back really religious.

Network Guy: Today's kids are uncomfortable with a clown who's every reference they have to look up on Wikipedia.
Krusty: Wikipedia, Twitter. Who names these things, Percy Dovetonsils?

Krusty: They took my dressing room, my parking space... even my writers so I don't have a funny third item!

Marge: So what was everyone's favorite thing at the museum?
Lisa: I liked the knowledgeable docents.
Bart: I liked the early closing time.

Krusty: Go away! No kid should see his hero sunk so low.
Lisa: Well you're not exactly my hero. I see you more as a cautionary tale.

Marge: This is the part where I get the kids out of the room.
Annie Dubinsky: Today's kids are less sensitive than an army condom. They've seen more on TV than my mother did on her wedding night. And they don't complain about it for the next fifty years.

HBOWTIME Exec: Our brand is classy and upscale.
HBOWTIME Exec 2: And we pay for everything with soft porno and boxing.

HBOWTIME Exec: The critics are in our pocket.
Krusty: Even the Boston Phoenix?
HBOWTIME Exec 2: If not we'll burn it to the ground.

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