Homer: Who cut out Beetle Bailey? I need my Miss Buxley fix.
Marge: I don't like you ogling her! Why don't you read Cathy? She's hilarious.
Homer: Eh. Too much baggage.

Homer: Snakes. Nature's quitter.

Homer: That horoscope was baloney. Nothing happened except for the pickaxe in my head, the rattlesnake bite and the testicle thing.

Dr. Hibbert: Another broccoli-related death.
Marge: But I thought broccoli was—
Dr. Hibbert: Oh yes. One of the deadliest plants on Earth. Why, it tries to warn you itself with its terrible taste.

Marge: Well I've got a whole list of chores. Clean the garage, paint the house—
Homer: Woah woah woah. I'm just trying to get in. I'm not running for Jesus.

Homer: I lost my job as an oaf today.
Marge: What? Oh why are the oafs the first to go?
Bart: Maybe you could be a dunce, Father.

Lisa: You know, she's only fattening you up so she can eat you.
Bart: Eh. What are you going to do?
Lisa: You could at least stop basting yourself.

Mayor Quimby: People, please! We're all frightened and horny. But we can't let some killer dolphins keep us from living and scoring.

Lisa: Oh no, you poor thing. {she removes plastic and it bites her} Ow! Son of a—

Kang: Can you believe it, Kodos? They left us out of the Halloween show!
Kodos: Are you sure the space phone is working? {Kang checks} Hang up! They could be trying to call right now.
Kang: I knew we should have sent them a muffin basket.

I will not plant subliminal messagores

Lindsey Naegle: I know some of you are upset about the area code change. Especially those of you covered in dynamite.

Homer: Nice wiring, Bart.
Bart: It worked on the test corpse.

Nurse: Oh no. You can't do heart surgery in the dark.
Dr. Hibbert: Sounds like a wager to me.

Kent Brockman: Thanks, Mayor Simpson. Because of you we're all taking golden showers! {the crew starts laughing} What?

Roger Daltrey: Who huddle!

Mr. Burns: Smithers, why did you iron a crease in these dungarees? I look like a square!
Smithers: Uh. That crease is in your leg, sir.

Principal Skinner: Hm. Not like The Who to be tardy. I'm worried.

Homer: Honey, there's a point in every father's life when he blows up his daughter's room.
Lisa: Oh yeah? You didn't blow up Maggie's room. {there's an explosion down the hall}

Dr. Nick Riviera: With my diet you can eat all you want anytime you want.
Marge: And you'll lose weight?
Dr. Nick Riviera: Ah, you might. It's a free country!

Sophie: I can't believe you would gamble with something that meant so much to me.
Krusty: Wait! Time out! Four aces is not a gamble.

Lisa: I'm all for ethnic diversity but this is just pandering.
Homer: Maybe so, but Dawson is gonna be bummed.

Homer: Ow! That bullet went in!

Comic Book Guy eating Peeps: If only the real chicks went down this easy.

Marge: Maybe we should talk to a financial planner.
Homer: Financial panther, eh? {he imagines it} Heh heh heh. I'm on board.

Mr. Burns: A show about a doll? Why not write a musical about the common cat? Or the king of Siam! Give it up, Smithers.
Smithers: Actually, sir, we've been booked into a small theatre in New Mexico.
Mr. Burns: Woah woah. Slow down there, maestro. There's a "new" Mexico?

Lenny: Wow. I've never seen you have so many lunch beers before, Homer.
Carl: Oh I concur! {they look surprised} Word-of-the-day calendar. {holds up an entry for "conquer"}

Salesman: That's the same computer astronauts use to do their taxes.
Homer: I was an astronaut.
Salesman: Of course you were.

Homer: Don't worry, head. The computer will do our thinking now.

Homer: Now then. {to mouse} Computer, kill Flanders.
Flanders: Did I hear my name? My ears are burning.
Homer to computer: Good start. Now finish the job.

Homer: Oo! It's Dancing Jesus. If there's a better use for the internet I haven't found it.

Lisa: You can't post that on the internet. You don't even know if it's true.
Homer: Nelson has never steered me wrong, honey. Nelson is gold.
Bart: You know, it might have been Jimbo.
Homer: Beautiful! We have confirmation.

Chief Wiggum: I assure you, the police do not take prisoners out of their cells and race them. {beat} Anymore.
Phil: What about using the electric chair to cook chicken?
Chief Wiggum: Yeah, alright. This press conference is over.

Lisa: Well you can't post news if you don't have any.
Homer: That's a great idea. I'll make up some news!
Lisa: At least take off your Pulitzer Prize when you say that.

Number Six (Patrick McGoohan): Welcome, friend. I'm Number Six.
Number 15: I'm Number 15. What Number are you?
Homer: I am not a number! I am a man! And don't you ever— Oh wait. I'm Number Five. Ha ha! In your face, Number Six.
Number Six: Yes. Well done.
Homer: Who are all these oddballs?
Number Six: Well they keep us here because we know too much. Number 27 there knows how to turn water into gasoline. Number 12 knows the deadly secret behind tic-tacs. And I invented the bottomless peanut bag.

Homer: Of course. It's so simple. Wait, no it's not. It's needlessly complicated.

Homer: So she was made of chimps.
Bart: Man, magic can do anything.

Bart: Wow! It's approved by the Royal Magic College of Hyderabad.
Lisa scoffing: That's a party magic college.

Marge: What are you doing? Why are you frosting that old throw pillow?
Homer: I could ask you the very same question!
Marge: Mm. Should I just back out of the room?
Homer: Would you?

Grampa: In the Depression you had to grift. Either that or work.

Grampa: Call me mint jelly! 'Cause I'm on the lamb.

Marge: Ready for the circus, Homer?
Homer: The circus?
Lisa: Le Cirque de Purée. We've had tickets since septembre.
Homer: But I want to watch Brett Favre!

Lisa: As French-Canadians, they don't believe in refunds or exploiting animals for entertainment.

Marge: They always pick the guy with the wires.

Marge: This is terrible! How will the kids get home?
Homer: I dunno. Internet?

Principal Skinner: Bart, if there's one thing I'm good at, it's pretending things didn't happened. And I think this is one of those.
Bart: One of which?
Principal Skinner: Exactly.
Bart: No, seriously. I wasn't listening.

Totally Sick, Twisted, F***ed-Up Animation Festival
Children Half-Price

Homer: Animation is so great. It's way better than... whatever the alternative is.

Voice: For automated stock prices, please state the company name.
Homer: Animotion.
Voice: Animotion. Up one and one half.
Homer: Yahoo!
Voice: Yahoo. Up six and a quarter.
Homer: Huh? What is this crap?!
Voice: FOX Broadcasting. Down eight.

Homer: I have a great way to solve our money woes. You rent your womb to a rich childless couple. If you agree, signify by getting indignant.
Marge: Are you crazy? I'm not going to be a surrogate mother.
Homer: C'mon, Marge. We're a team. It's uter-US, not uter-YOU.
Marge: Forget it!

Scientist: That appetite suppressant is amazing!
Scientist 2: Homer... you really have no desire to eat that food?
Homer: Food? I'm blind! Augh! Augh!
Scientist 3: Who's gonna buy a pill that makes you blind?
Scientist 2: We'll let marketing worry about that.

Homer: I was working on a flat tax proposal and I accidentally proved there's no god.

Homer: I'm a Spalding Gray in a Rick Dees world. Change me back to the blissful boob I was.
Scientist: I'm sorry, we don't play god here.
Homer: That's ridiculous. You do nothing but play god. And I think your octo-parrot would agree.
Octo-Parrot: Awk! Polly shouldn't be!

Marge: Lisa, a missing crayon could be anywhere.
Homer jumps through the window
Homer: Who wants lottery tickets?
Marge: Okay, it's in his brain.

Wiggum: My wife and I like watching that Oz show on HBO. Uh, is... is prison really like that?
Jack: Wouldn't know. We only get basic cable.
Wiggum: Ouch. I also like that Sex in the City. None of those girls looks like my wife.
Jack: Sportscenter's not bad.
Wiggum: Yeah, I never got that show.
Jack: What's to get? They just tell the scores.
Wiggum: Yeah, I suppose, yeah. Hey, ya meet any mob guys? Are they really like The Sopranos?
Jack: I told you, we just get basic cable.
Wiggum: Oh right, right, right. Listen, if I'm getting too chatty, just, uh, just tell me to shut up.
Jack: Ah, I'm enjoying it. Hey, you ever watch them strong man contests? They're pretty good. Those guys look strong. Other guys in prison say they're gay, but I don't know. They look strong to me.

Abe: You don't care what happens to me when I die!
Homer: Of course I do, Dad! And if it were up to me you wouldn't die at all. But try telling that to Killy McGee up there!

Homer: What on Earth are you doing?
Lisa: Practicing tennis.
Homer: That's tennis? Oh! What's the one where the chicks wail on each other?
Bart: Foxy boxing?

Lisa: Oedipus killed his father and married his mother.
Homer: Ugh. Who pays for that wedding?

Lisa: Dad, I think you're over-reacting.
Homer: I think you're under-reacting.
Lisa: This session's over.
Homer: This session's under!
Lisa: Goodbye.
Homer: Bad bye!

Lisa: Hey, Grampa's running.
Marge: That's not Grampa. Dad's just dehydrated.

Kent Brockman: A new challenger has emerged out of nowhere. He's running on sheer moxy, pluck and grit. All of which he'll be tested for after the race.

Principal Skinner: So from now on, anything caught in your zipper will be handled by the school nurse and not me.

Homer: Evan eht Nioj. You gotta love that crazy chorus.
Lisa: What does it mean?
Homer: It doesn't mean anything. It's like "rama lama ding dong" or "Give peace a chance."

Lisa: There's something weird about this video.
Marge: None of those girls has had three kids, I can tell you that..
Lisa: No, something else.

Bart: Think he's going to do something dangerous?
Nelson: How should I know. Just keep loading missiles.

Milhouse: The Statue of Liberty! Where are we?

Lisa: Thank you, Dad!
Homer: Hey, any friend of Marge is a friend of mine.

Milhouse: What a great ballgame. Thanks, Weekend Dad!
Kirk: Stop calling me that.

Homer: Dancing away my hunger pangs, moving my feet so my stomach won't hurt
I'm kinda like Jesus, but not in a sacrilegious way.

Homer: Who are you?
Cesar Chavez: The spirit of Cesar Chavez.
Homer: Why do you look like Cesar Romero?
Cesar Chavez: Because you don't know what Cesar Chavez looks like.

The kids are watching a commercial for Stabby-Oh's featuring a beheaded mother
Lisa: That ad campaign may have crossed a line.
Homer: Eh, what can you do. Sex sells.

Marge: Homer! You're still here? You should have left for work an hour ago.
Homer: They said if I come in late again I'm fired. I can't take that chance.

Terry: Red hair! What's she trying to pull?
Sherry: Those shoes look Canadian.

Saleswoman: Your baby is dead!
Homer and Marge: What?!
Saleswoman: That's what you'd hear if your baby fell victim to the thousands of deathtraps lurking in the average American home.
Marge: "Springfield Baby Proofers"
Homer: You really scared us there.
Saleswoman: Sorry about that. But the truth is, your baby, Maggie Simpson, is dead! Dead tired of baby-proofers who don't provide a free estimate. Let's start in the kitchen.

Saleswoman: Now. Pretend I'm a baby.
Homer aside to Marge: That's a pretty big caboose for a baby.
Marge: Homer, don't be— Wow. That is huge.

Homer: That baby proofing crook wanted to sell us covers for the electrical outlets. But I'll just draw bunny faces on them to scare Maggie away.
Marge: She's not afraid of bunnies.
Homer: She will be.

Professor Frink at a scientific convention: Don't make me flick the lights on and off! {No response from the crowd} Pi is exactly 3! {silence} I'm sorry it had to come to that.

Milhouse: I can't go to Juvie! They use guys like me as currency!

Bart: Ice cream in church? I'm intrigued, yet suspicious.
Lisa: Wow! Look at all these flavors. Blessed Virgin Berry, Commandmint. Bible Gum.
Reverend Lovejoy: Or if you'd prefer, we also have Unitarian ice cream.
Lisa: There's nothing here.
Reverend Lovejoy: Exactly.

Lisa: That was great. I can't believe she found a rhyme for Hezekiah.

Ned: So where's your band?
Rachel Jordan: They switched from Christian music to regular pop. All you do is change "Jesus" to "baby".
Ned: Oh how horrible.
Rachel Jordan: Oh, they'll all go to hell.

Marge: Wow. Three pairs of shoes. Someone had a fetish.

Homer: Now for the awkward part. We gotta talk about money.
Lisa: What? You said we were doing this out of friendship!
Homer: That doesn't sound like me.

Homer: I'd be glad to spearhead the entire begging initiative.
Ned: Well thanks, Homer.
Homer: No problem. I'll need a sack and something sharp.

Maude Flanders: She taught us the joy of shame and the shame of joy

Carl: Any religion that embraces carob is not for Carl Carlson.

Sideshow Mel: This place is the height of tedium!
Sea Captain: Yar. She blows.

Rainier Wolfcastle: I have purchased the Springfield YMCA. I plan to tear it down and turn the land into a nature preserve. Where I will hunt the deadliest game of all: man.

Homer: Soon I will have a miracle hybrid, with the loyalty of a cat and the cleanliness of a dog!

Apu: Hello. I would like to take advantage of your baby prison.
Marge: We're calling it day care.
Apu: Yes, whatever.

Bart: You haven't seen the real Homer. It's all burping and neglect.
Milhouse: I think we know your dad a little bit better than you do, Bart.