Homer: Marge, I can't wear a pink shirt to work. Everybody wears white shirts. I'm not popular enough to be different.

Mr. Burns: Spare me the tiresome antics of the Simpson family!

Lisa: Meditations on Turning Eight by Lisa Simpson
I had a cat named Snowball. She died! She died!
Mom said she was sleeping. She lied! She lied!
Why oh why is my cat dead? Couldn't that Chrysler hit me instead?
I had a hamster named Snuffy. He died—
Homer: No deal.

Orderly: Put him in with the big white guy who thinks he's the little black guy.

Michael Jackson: Hi, I'm Michael Jackson from the Jacksons.
Homer: I'm Homer Simpson from the Simpsons.

Spitwads are not free speech

Homer: Every time you get a million dollars something queers the deal.
Lisa: I don't think real checks have exclamation points.
Marge: Well at least we got a free sample of Reading Digest.
Homer: Marge, I've never read a magazine in my life and I'm not going to start now.

Homer: Oh Marge, cartoons don't have any deep meaning. They're just stupid drawings that give you a cheap laugh.

Minnesota Contestant: “Recipe for a Free Country. Mix one cup liberty with three teaspoons of justice. Add one informed electorate. Baste well with veto power. Stir in two cups of checks. Sprinkle liberally with balances.”

Homer: Bart! Get out of the Spirit of St. Louis.

Congressman Bob Arnold: This isn't like burying toxic waste. People are going to notice those trees are gone.

Lisa: "I will iron your sheets when you iron out the inequities in your labor laws." Amen, sister.

Trong Van-Dinh: Where else but in American—or possibly Canada—could our family find such opportunity. That's why, whenever I see the Stars & Stripes, I'll always be reminded of that wonderful word: flag.

Homer: Look, I don't care if Ned Flanders is the nicest guy in the world. He's a jerk! End of story.

Ned Flanders: Well sir, I'm opening up a one-stop store for southpaws. Everything from left-handed apple peelers to left-handed scissors. I'm gonna call it The Leftorium.

Lisa: Dad, do you know what schadenfreude is?
Homer: No. I do not know what schadenfreude is. Please tell me because I'm dying to know.
Lisa: It's a German term for "shameful joy." Taking pleasure in the suffering of others.
Homer: Oh come on, Lisa! I'm just glad to see him fall flat on his butt. He's usually all happy and comfortable and surrounded by loved ones and it makes me feel— What's the opposite of that shameful joy thing of yours?
Lisa: Sour grapes.
Homer: Why, those Germans have a word for everything.

Marge: Bart, don't use the touch of death on your sister.

Troy McClure: I'm Troy McClure. You probably remember me from such films as The Revenge of Abe Lincoln and The Wackiest Covered Wagon in the West.

Fat Tony (Joe Mantegna) watching Itchy & Scratchy: It's funny because it's true.

Bart: Gimme three fingers of milk, ma.

Lisa: Bart, is your boss a crook?
Bart: I don't think so. Although it would explain a lot.

Mr. Burns: Thank God we live in a country so hysterical over crime that a ten-year-old child can be tried as an adult.

Homer: You know who the real crooks are, those sleazy Hollywood producers.

I will not squeak chalk

Homer: Here's good news. According to this eye-catching article, SAT scores are declining at a slower rate.
Lisa: Dad, I think this paper is a flimsy hodgepodge of high-brass factoids and Larry King.
Homer: Hey, this is the only paper in America that's not afraid to tell the truth. That everything is just fine.

Kent Brockman: Mr. Burns, people are calling this a meltdown.
Mr. Burns: Oh, meltdown. One of those annoying buzzwords. We prefer to call it an unrequested fission surplus.

Smithers: Sir, there may never be another time to say I love you, sir.
Mr. Burns: Oh hot dog. Thank you for making my last few moments on earth socially awkward.

Lisa and Bart are watching Itchy & Scratchy
Lisa: Bart, you're not laughing. Too subtle?
Bart: No, I'm just depressed. Milhouse's mom won't let me play with him anymore.

Marge: How are you enjoying your ham, Homey?
Homer: It's so bitter it's like acid in my mouth.
Marge: Mm. It's actually more of a honey glaze.
Lisa: Maybe you ate a clove.

Homer's Brain: Use reverse psychology.
Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated.
Homer's Brain: Okay, don't use reverse psychology.
Homer: Okay, I will!

Homer: A Jewish entertainer? Get outta here!
Lisa: Dad. There are many prominent Jewish entertainers including Lauren Bacall, Dinah Shore, William Shatner and Mel Brooks.
Homer: Mel Brooks is Jewish?

Lisa: Poor Krusty. He's like black velvet painting come to life.

Lisa: Excuse us, Rabbi Krustofski?
Rabbi Hyman Krustofski (Jackie Mason): Oh, what can I do for you my young friends?
Bart: We came to talk to you about your son.
Rabbi Krustofski: I have no son! {he slams the door}
Bart: Oh great. We came all this way and it's the wrong guy.
Rabbi Krustofski: I didn't mean that literally!

Waitress: And for you sir?
Rabbi Krustofski (Jackie Mason): Oh, let's see. I want a nice sandwich but the Joey Bishop, eh, too fatty. The Jackie Mason, I don't know. Sauerkraut makes me gassy. The Bruce Willis? I don't even like his work.

Lisa: Here you go, Bart. It's a long shot. But that's all I can do without learning ancient Hebrew.
Bart: Rabbi, did not a great man say—and I quote, "The Jews are a swinging bunch of people. I mean, I've heard of persecution but what they went through is ridiculous. But the great thing is, after thousands of years of waiting and holding on and fighting, they finally made it." End quote.
Rabbi Krustofski: Oh, I never heard the plight of my people phrased so eloquently. Who said that? Rabbi Hillel?
Bart: No.
Rabbi Krustofski: It was Judah the Pious.
Bart: No.
Rabbi Krustofski: Maimonides.
Bart: No.
Rabbi Krustofski: Oh, I got it. The Dead Sea Scrolls!
Bart: I'm afraid not, Rabbi. It's from Yes I Can by Sammy Davis, Jr. An entertainer. Like your son.
Rabbi Krustofski: The Candy Man?

Marge: Hello, everyone. Before last year's Halloween show, I warned you not to let your children watch. But you did anyway. Mm. Well, this year's episode is even worse. It's scarier, more violent, and I think they snuck in some bad language too. So please, tuck in your children and— Well, if you didn't listen to me last time, you're not going to now. Enjoy the show.

Homer: What a dump! Why would Princess Grace live in a place like this?
Lisa: Dad, that's Monaco.
Homer: D'oh!

Marge: Homer, there's something I don't like about that severed hand.

Kid about the Bart t-shirt: $18 for this? What a rip off!

Lisa: I wish for world peace.
Homer: Lisa that was very selfish of you!

England: Eh, sorry about the Falklands, old boy.
Argentina: Oh, forget it. We kind of knew they were yours.

Kodos: People of Earth! We come to you in the spirit of hostility and menace!

Kang: Your superior intellect is no match for our puny weapons!

Mrs. Krabappel: Well class, the history of our country has been changed again. To correspond with Bart's answers on yesterday's test. America was now discovered in 1942 by... "Some Guy." And our country isn't called America anymore. It's "Boner Land."

Mr. Burns: Bad corpse! Bad corpse! Stop scaring Smithers!

Mr. Burns: Dammit, Smithers! This isn't rocket science, it's brain surgery.

Homer: Oh! Me and my trenchant mouth!

Homer: Maybe I should just cut my losses, give up on Lisa and make a fresh start with Maggie.

Marge: We can't afford to buy a pony.
Homer: Marge, with today's gasoline prices we can't afford not to buy a pony.

Homer: I want to buy a pony.
Mr. Burns: Isn't that cute, Smithers! He's planning on joining the horsey set.

Marge: Then I'm afraid there's no choice but to give up the pony.
Homer: First you didn't want me to get the pony! Now you want me to take it back! Make up your mind.

Apu: I won't lie to you. In this job you will be shot at.

Lisa: All the years I've wanted to be treated like an adult have blown up in my face.

Stable Owner: Although there is no change in my patrician facade, I can assure you my heart is breaking.

Apu: He slept, he stole, he was rude to the customers. Still. There goes the best damned employee a convenience store ever head.

Mrs. Krabappel: Bart! Are those liquor bottles?
Bart: I brought enough for everybody.
Mrs. Krabappel: Take those to the teacher's lounge. You can have what's left at the end of the day.

Professor Frink: Brace yourselves gentlemen, according to the gaschromatograph the secret ingredient is... love?!? Who's been screwing this thing?

Lionel Hutz: I'm sorry, Mrs. Simpson, but you can't copyright a drink. This all goes back to the Frank Wallbanger case of '78. How about that? I looked something up!

Stockbroker: Homer, it's your stockbroker. Your stock in the power plant just went up for the first time in ten years.
Homer: I own stock?
Stockbroker: Yes. All the employees got some in exchange for waiving certain Constitutional rights.

Homer: Lisa, your father needs your help. Do you know anything about Germany?
Lisa: Well, it’s a country in Europe.
Homer: Good, good, I'm learning.
Lisa: One of the economic powers of the world.
Homer: Because we send them money?

Overhead: Attention workers. We have completed our evaluation of the plant. We regret to announce the following layoffs which I will read in alphabetical order. Simpson, Homer. That is all.

Burns: Good heavens, Smithers. They're not afraid of me anymore.

Burns: What good is money if you can't inspire terror in your fellow man. I've got to get my plant back!

German: Gott in Himmel. Who'd have thought a nuclear plant could be such a death trap.

Marge: Dear Lord, before we peel the foil back from your bounty, we ask you to watch over little Timmy O’Toole trapped in that well.

Bart: The police? They couldn’t catch a cold.
Lisa: Maybe not, but I bet you were stupid enough to have left a Property of Bart Simpson label on that radio.

Homer: Don't worry, son, just because you’re trapped in a hole doesn't mean you can't lead a rich and fulfilling life.

Homer: So who do you like in the afternoon game?
Lisa: Well, I like the 49ers because they're pure of heart. Seattle because they got something to prove, and the Raiders because they always cheat.

Lisa checking the card catalog: Let's see. Football... Football... "Homoeroticism in"... "Oddball Canadian rules"... "Phyllis George and"...

Homer: So... do you think the Redskins will beat the spread?
Lisa: Put me down. Look, Dad. I'll tell you who's going to win the Superbowl if you want me to, but it'll just validate my theory that you cared more about winning money than you did about me.
Homer: Okay.
Lisa: I pick Washington as a mortal lock.
Homer: Washington! Woo hoo!
Lisa: However.
Homer: However? What do you mean, "however"? "However" what?
Lisa: However. I may also be so clouded with rage that subconsciously I want you to lose. In which case, I bet the farm on Buffalo.
Homer: Lisa, do me a favor. Complete this sentence: "Daddy should bet all his money on—"
Lisa: I don't know. If I still love you, Washington. If I don't, Buffalo.

Lisa: Bart, who's winning?
Bart: "You hate Dad" is up by a touchdown.

Bart: I guess you love Dad.
Lisa: I suspected as much.

Moe: What are you so happy about, Homer? You didn't win any money.
Homer: Money comes and money goes, but what I have in my daughter can go on for eight more years.

Maggie grabs onto the doorframe and refuses to go with Patty and Selma
Lisa: Wish I'd thought of that.

Homer: For your information I can take care of my— {Maggie falls} See? Got her on the first bounce.

Troy McClure: I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such film as Today We Kill, Tomorrow We Die and Gladys, the Groovy Mule. But today you'll see me in my greatest role: your video tour guide to Rancho Relaxo.

Marge: Hello, room service? This is Marge Simpson. I'd like a hot fudge sundae. With whipped cream. And some chocolate chip cheesecake. And a bottle of tequila!

Marge: I think he needs a dog house.
Homer: Yeah, but what're you going to do.
Marge: We could buy a nice dog house for fifty dollars.
Homer: Marge, you're a tool of the dog house makers.

Ned to Todd: That's it young man, no Bible stories for you tonight.
Maude: Weren't you a little hard on him?
Ned: Well you knew I had a temper when you married me.

Woodrow: Dear Edna, Your photo took my breath away. Truly yours is a butt that won't quit.

Bart: What about Groundskeeper Willie?
Mrs. Krabappel: I'm not even gonna tell you what that guy's into. Bart you are the closest thing to a man in my life. And that's so depressing I think I'm going to cry.

Homer: Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. {writing} "Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpville. Population: You."
Marge: We'll all help.

Homer: Three simple words: "I am gay."
Marge: Homer, for the last time. I'm not putting that in.

Lisa: "And anytime I hear the wind blow it will whisper the name Edna."
Marge: Oo! That's very good, Lisa.
Homer: "P.S. I am gay."

Mrs. Krabappel: Bart, it's such a nice day today let's have detention outside.
Bart: It's a date!

Carl: Okay, Homer. Bases loaded, you're up. Where's that secret weapon?
Homer: Check it out, boys. My magic bat.
Carl: That's it?
Lenny: Yeah. I've got a magic bat too.
Carl: Yeah, and I've got an enchanted jock strap.

Jose Canseco: I get fifty thousand dollars to play one game?
Smithers: That's right, Mr. Canseco.
Jose Canseco: Well, it's a pay cut. But what the hey.

Smithers: How do you like working for the Dodgers?
Mike Scioscia: Well it's okay. But sometimes I wish I had something a little more blue collar job. You know, with big machines and cool dials and stuff. Like an oil refinery. Or a hydro-electric plant.
Smithers: We should talk.

Bart: You make me sick, Homer. You're the one that told me I could do anything if I just put my mind to it.
Homer: Well now that you're a little bit older I can tell you that's a crock. No matter how good you are at something, there's always about a million people better than you.
Bart: Gotcha. Can't win, don't try.

Mr. Burns: Mattingly! Get rid of those sideburns!
Don Mattingly: What sideburns?
Mr. Burns: Hippie.

Mr. Burns: Now, before I post the starting line-up I want to ensure those of you who are not on the list that I'm very disappointed in you. Something was lacking. Let's call it heart.
Daryl Strawberry: No hustle either, Skip.
Mr. Burns: That's right, Daryl.

Marge: Homey, you're good at lots of things.
Homer: Like what?
Marge: Like snuggling.
Homer: Yeah. But none of my friends can watch me.

Barney: And I say England's greatest prime minister was Lord Palmerston!
Wade Boggs: Pitt the Elder!
Barney: Lord Palmerston!
Wade Boggs: Pitt the Elder!
Barney: Okay, you asked for it, Boggs.

Mattingly: I still like him better than Steinbrenner.

Miss Hoover: You're going to take a test. It's called Career Aptitude Normalizing Test. Or "CANT".

Miss Hoover: Question 60: “I prefer the smell of a) gasoline, b) french fries, or c) bank customers.”

Marge: You know your father wanted to be a policeman for a little while but they said he was too heavy.
Homer: No. The Army said I was too heavy. The police said I was too dumb.

Milhouse: Sure we have order, but at what price!

Skinner: Bart, I'm not sure random locker searches are permitted by the Supreme Court.
Bart: Supreme Court. What have they done for us lately?

Lisa: Bart. Why'd you take the blame?
Bart: Because, I didn't want you to wreck your life. You've got the brains and the talent to go as far as you want. And when you do I'll be right there to borrow money.

I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge

Skinner: ...and a state-of-the-art detention hall. Where children are held in place by magnets.
Teacher: Magnets. Always with the magnets.

Marge: Oh well. We lost the money but at least we've still got each other.
Grampa: Hey, the dog's dead.

Mr. Burns: Dogs are idiots! Think about it, Smithers, if I came into your house and started sniffing at your crotch and slobbering all over your face, what would you say?
Smithers: If you did it, sir?

Butler: Sir, your llama just bit Ted Kennedy.
Kent Brockman: Good!

Bart: If you don't watch the violence you'll never get desensitized to it.
Lisa: Just tell me when the scary part's over.

Homer: Marge I have always carried myself with a certain quiet dignity. Tonight you robbed me of it.

Redneck: Hey you! Let's fight.
Redneck: Them's fightin' words.

Homer: Lurlene, I can't get your song out of my head. I haven't felt this way since Funkytown!
Lurlene Lumpkin (Beverly D'Angelo): Well aren't you sweet.

Lurlene: I want you to be my manager.
Homer: Really? Well I should warn you, I'm not great with figures.
Lurlene: That's okay.
Homer: I make a lot of stupid decisions.
Lurlene: That's okay.
Homer: I did bad in school.
Lurlene: I didn't even go.
Homer: My personal hygiene has been described as—
Lurlene: Homer. Homer, you'll be a great manager.

Homer: Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.

Marty: Fellas, I'm going to hit you with a phrase that has dogged you throughout your career: washed up.

Shearer: I can't think of anyone who's benefited more from the death of Communism than us.
Guest: Maybe the people who actually live in Communist countries.
Shearer: Oh yeah, hadn't thought of that. I bet you're right.

Harry Shearer: We salute you, our half-inflated Dark Lord!

Otto: Better fasten your seatbelts, little dudes.
Lisa: We don't have seatbelts.
Otto: Well then... just try to go limp.

Skinner: Well that tears it. Until you get a license and wear your own underwear, Mister, you are suspended without pay.

Bart: Where's Otto?
Skinner: Otto. That's one palindrome you won't be hearing for awhile.

Homer trying to get into the bathroom: Open up! Open up! I gotta go and no foolin'.

Nelson: Mrs. Krabappel, how come you don't live with Mr. Krabappel?
Mrs. Krabappel: Because Mr. Krabappel chased something small and fluffy down a rabbit hole.

Bart: How would I go about creating a half-man, half-monkey type creature?
Mrs. Krabappel: I'm sorry, That would be playing God.
Bart: God shmod. I want my monkey man!

Bart: Milhouse, we're living in the age of cooties. I can't believe the risk you're running.

Marge: Homer, has the weight loss tape reduced your appetite?
Homer: Ah, lamentably no! My gastronomic rapacity knows no satiety.

Marge: I don't know if that tape is working. You ate three desserts tonight.
Homer: Forbearance is the watchword. That triumvirate of Twinkies merely overwhelmed my resolve.
Marge: Another thing I've been wanting to talk to you about...

Homer: Now there's a Machiavellian countenance. Oo! A sextet of ale.

Tester: This can't be right. This man has 104% body fat. Hey, no eating in the tank!
Homer: Go to hell.

Marge: How was your day at work, dear?
Homer: Oh, the usual. "Stand in front of this." "Open that." "Pull down this." "Bend over." "Spread apart that." "Turn your head that way." "Cough."

Herb: Forbes Magazine called it the blunder of the century. A little overblown, don't you think? What about New Coke.
Bum: Hey! I invented that!

Lisa: This award is the biggest farce I ever saw!
Bart: What about the Emmys?
Lisa: I stand corrected.

Herb: Every word you say just makes me want to punch you in the face!
Homer: Well while you're a guest in my home can you just kick me in the butt?
Herb: I'll try, but I can't make any promises.

Herb: Now I bet you're all wondering what lies under this sheet!
Bart: Not really. We peeked inside when you were in the john.

Herb: Homer, would you stop thinking about your ass!
Homer: I tried to, but I can't.