Homer: Marge, if you don't mind I'm a little busy now achieving financial independence.
Marge: Through cans of grease?
Homer: No. Through savings and wise investment. Of course with grease!

Lisa: These are for pierced ears.
Sherri: Yeah, aren't they great?
Terri: Alex did ours.
Alex Whitney (Lisa Kudrow): Yeah, all you need is a thumbtack and a lot of paper towels.

Lisa: Am I the only one that wants to play hopscotch and bake cookies and watch McLaughlin Group?

Marge: Lisa, I made you some homemade Pepsi for the dance. It's a little thick, but the price is right!

Lisa: Come on, Alex. We've only got nine, maybe ten years, tops where we can giggle in church and chew with our mouths open and go days without bathing. We'll never have that freedom again.
Alex: Listen, you can giggle and stink all you want, but I have a credit card. So *phtpt* on you.

Ralph: This snowflake tastes like fish sticks!

I will not file frivolous lawsuits

Lisa: He also invented the photograph, the microphone and the electric guitar.
Homer: No one man can do all that. You're a liar, honey. A dirty rotten liar.

Marge: I brought you a tuna sandwich. They say it's brain food. I guess because there's so much dolphin in there.

Homer: Close your eyes, Marge. {he fires the makeup gun} Now you're ready for a night on the town.
Marge: Homer, you've got it set on whore.

Lisa: Dad, women won't like being shot in the face.

Homer: Oh! I hate folding sheets.
Marge: That's your underwear.
Homer: Well whatever it is, it's a two-man job.

Marge: What do you think he's doing up there?
Homer: I dunno, drug lab?
Marge: Drug lab!
Homer: Or reading comic books. What am I, Kreskin?

Lisa: One: they don't have beaks. Two: they don't have feathers. And three: they're lizards!
Bart: You're a lizard!

Marge: It's almost as if he's murdering from beyond the grave.
Lisa: I told you capital punishment wasn't a deterrent.

Lisa: Of course. The transplant. Somehow Snake's hair must be controlling—
Marge: Oh please, Lisa. Everyone's already figured that out.

Lisa: Oh, Bart! That's plutonium. It's highly unstable.
Bart: Don't you ever get tired of being wrong?

Bart: Lis, we're characters in a cartoon!
Lisa: How humiliating.

Homer: Look! Marge! Maggie lost her baby legs.

Homer: Is there anything you can prescribe, Doctor?
Dr. Hibbert: Fire. And lots of it.
Marge: Oh that's your cure for everything.

Marge: Homer, Kang is Maggie's father.
Homer: You intergalactic hussy! How could you?

Kang: Insemination complete.
Marge: Really? That seemed awful quick.
Kang: What are you implying?

Bart: There's only one man who can settle an argument this bizarre.

Audience Member: Yeah, I got a question for that gross thing, whatever it is.
Jerry Springer: Homer.

Marge: I can't believe it. Jerry Springer didn't solve our conflict.
Lisa: And now he's dead.

butt.butt is not my e-mail address

Lisa: You promised to take us to the lake.
Homer: I promise you kids lots of things. That's what makes me a good father.
Lisa: Actually keeping promises would make you a good father.
Homer: No, that would make me a great father.

Man: Ah, sir, you can't operate a boat under the influence of alcohol.
Homer: Oh, that sounds like a wager to me.

Homer: I'm soaring! Soaring majestically like a candy wrapper caught in an updraft!

Bart: We've been looking all over for you, Dad. Where did you land?
Homer: Nowhere famous.
Lisa: Where'd you get that muffin?
Homer: Gersh Agency.

Ron Howard sniffing Homer's breath: Do I smell vodka... and wheatgrass?
Homer: It's called a lawnmower, I invented it. You want one?
Ron Howard: Yeah, okay.
Kim Basinger: And I'll have a rum and zinc.
Ron Howard: Oo, I'll have one of those too.

No one cares what my definition of "is" is.

Smithers: It's no use. Should I send out for some Chinese?
Mr. Burns: No, those people are all gristle. I want this jar open!

Homer: Homer Simpson does not lie twice on the same form! He never has and he never will.
Marge: You lied dozens of times on our mortgage application.
Homer: Yeah, but they were all part of a single ball of lies.

Maude Flanders: My eyes have been soiled!
Homer: Come on, Maude. The human wang is a beautiful thing.

Homer: I guess the juice business is more important than the ideals our hippie forefathers refused to go to war and die for.

I will not scream for ice cream

Bart: Mom, can we go Catholic so we get Communion wafers and booze?
Marge: No! No one's going Catholic. Three children is enough, thank you.

Lisa: Ah, this is my kind of aisle. Soy substitute, whiz-less cheese. Oven-roasted cud.
Clerk: It's packed in its own drool.

Lisa: But we can't accept that money. It's tainted.
Skinner: Now now. Leave the money out of this. It's not the money's fault you cheated.

Mrs. Krabappel: Now who can tell me the atomic weight of bolognium.
Martin: Oo! Delicious?
Mrs. Krabappel: Correct. I would also accept "snacktacular."

Ralph: Hi Super Nintendo Chalmers!

My mom is not dating Jerry Seinfeld

Lisa: You're not really giving my dad power of attorney are you?

Ned: How do you do it, Homer? How do you silence that little voice that says, "Think"?
Homer: You mean Lisa?

Ginger: You two fellahs are the nicest husbands we've ever had.

Ned: This is all your fault! You and your stupid program.
Homer: Blame me if you must, but don't ever speak ill of the program! The program is rock solid. The program is sound.

Casino Owner: Las Vegas doesn't care for out-of-towners. Take your money and go someplace else!

Bart: I think I read somewhere that cows like being killed.

Sherri does not "got back"

Lisa: But it's not fair. Adults always blame kids for everything.
Homer: Well if kids are so innocent why is every bad named after them? "Acting childish." "Kidnapping." "Child abuse."
Bart: What about adultery?
Homer: Not until you're older, son.

I will not do the Dirty Bird

Homer: I'll start out with a few pizzas, then a complimentary Tango lesson. And I'll cap it off with a smooth, refreshing colonic.
Lisa: Um, Dad.

Wally Kogen (Fred Willard): Wally Kogen.
Homer: Hey, I know you! We were in the same pyramid scheme.
Wally Kogen: Yeah. Don't remind me. Friends Helping Friends, my ass.

Marge: It's so nice to have a peaceful weekend together.
Lisa: Yeah, I'm bored too.

Wally: I'm sorry. The guys made kind of a mess in your bathroom.
Bus Driver: What bathroom?

Voiceover: The Catholic Church. We've made a few... changes.
Lisa: These Superbowl commercials are weird.

Rupert Murdoch: I'm Rupert Murdoch, the billionaire tyrant. And this is my skybox.

No one wants to hear about my sciatica

Announcer: The start of television's second most exciting season—mid-season!—is just two hundred exciting seconds away.
Homer: Car?
Marge: Locked.
Homer: Phone?
Lisa: Unplugged.
Homer: Dog? Cat?
Bart: Taped and corked.
Homer: Perfect.

Marge about Admiral Baby: It's hard to believe someone that young could have risen to the rank of Admiral.

Marge: Your character provides the comic relief. Like, oh... Marlo Brando in Apocalypse Now.

Marge: You changed your name without consulting me?
Homer: That's the way Max Power is, Marge. Decisive. Uncompromising. And rude.

Marge: But I fell in love with Homer Simpson. I don't want to snuggle with Max Power.
Homer: Nobody snuggles with Max Power. You strap yourself in and feel the G's.

Trent Steele: Great name.
Homer: Yeah, isn't it? I got if off a hairdryer.

Homer: Uh oh. Here comes Lorne Michaels. Pretend you don't see him.

Hillbillies are people too

Homer: I used to take out ads like that when we were newlyweds.
Marge: The only ad you took out was to sell our lawnmower.
Homer: We sold it, didn't we?

Manjula: A chocolate husband! Oh, how darling.
Apu from inside the chocolate: I can't breathe!
Manjula: Oh! My husband. You are the sweetest filling of all.
Apu: My ears are filled with nougat. There's a nut in my eye.

Homer: Everybody's marriage is falling apart except ours. See, the problem's communication. Too much communication.
Marge: Homer, I've gone through seven years of receipts. And you've spent less on gifts for me than you have on temporary tattoos.

Apu: My humble love note is turning into a Valentine's Day Massacre.

Apu: Elton John!
Elton John: That's my name. Well, not really.

Grammar is not a time of waste

Bart: I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows.

Chief Wiggum: Why are the pretty ones always insane.

Wild Animal Kingdom: Born Free, Then Caged

Homer: Don't worry kids, I know just what to do. Jumanji! Doesn't anything from the movies work?!

Homer: Oh! When will Detroit build a sunroof for the husky gentleman!

Homer: I'd like to read the following statement, but I do so under {a gun cocks} my own free will. It has come to my attention that NBC sucks. I apologize for misleading you and urge you to watch as many FOX shows as possible. So in summary, NBC bad. FOX good. CBS great.

I do not have diplomatic immunity

Homer: Oh no, I'm not falling for that again. If it doesn't have Siamese twins in a jar it's not a fair.

Lisa: How come the Smithsonian needs to be sponsored by a cell phone company?
Omnitouch Rep: I can answer that. Uncle Sam needs to spend our tax dollars on the essentials. Anti-tobacco programs, pro-tobacco programs, killing wild donkeys and Israel.

Homer: Oo! Here's something you'll like: When Animals Attack Magicians.

Karma-ceuticals Owner: You're about to take a journey into the mind. You may see and experience things that are strange and frightening. But remember: they can't physically harm you. Though they may destroy you mentally.

Lisa: How am I supposed to hallucinate with all these swirling colors distracting me?

Homer: What's happening to me? There's still food, but I don't want to eat it. I've become everything I've ever hated.

Astrid Weller (Isabella Rossellini): Your husband's work is what we call "outsider art". It could be by a mental patient, or a hillbilly, or a chimpanzee.
Homer: In high school I was voted most likely to *be* a mental patient, hillbilly, or chimpanzee!

Gunther: You've gone from hip to boring. Why don't you call us when you get to kitsch.
Come on Gunther, Kyoto. If we hurry we can still catch the heroin craze.

Homer: Matt Groening! What's he doing in a museum? He can barely draw. {A giant eraser comes in} Oh no! I'm being erased!

Bart: Are you sure this is art, not vandalism?
Homer: That's for the courts to decide, son.

Head of the IOC: People! People! Please. You are forgetting what the Olympics are all about. Giving out medals of beautiful gold, so-so silver and shameful bronze.

Scarlett O'Hara: Oh Rhett! Rhett! Where will I go? What will I do?
Rhett Butler: Frankly my dear, I love you. Let's remarry.
THE END (EDITED FOR SENIORS)

Senior Woman: What a lovely ending!
Bart: They cut out the best word!
Hans Moleman: Didn't that movie used to have a war in it?
Orderly: Come on! You've been warned.

Nurse: Come on, Bart. We don't want to overstimulate these people. They just had pudding.

Grampa: I haven't felt this relaxed and carefree since I was watch commander at Pearl Harbor.

Bart: Well, I'm flunking math and the other day I was a little attracted to Milhouse.

I have neither been there nor done that

Homer: Can we go home yet? My feet hurt. All this fresh air is making my hair move. And I don't know how much longer I can complain.

Lisa: Poor Mr. Costner. He tries so hard.

Comic Book Guy: Once again. my underwear has become tangled on a cow catcher.

Mr. Burns: Simpson. I need your help. I want to be loved.
Homer: I see. Well, I'll need some beer.

Mr. Burns: I'm going to bring them something that man has searched for since the beginning of time.
Homer: A sober Irishman?
Mr. Burns: Even rarer.

Mr. Burns: Where's my monster, tubby? What do you think I'm paying you people for?
Homer: Um, to work in your power plant?
Willie: You're not paying me anything!
Professor Frink: You kidnapped me.

Professor Frink: This isn't the monsterometer. It's the frog-exaggerator!

I'm so very tired

Homer: The internet? Is that thing still around.

Lisa: Wow Dad, you're surfing like a pro.
Homer: Oh, yeah! I'm betting on jai alai in the Cayman Islands, I invested in something called "News Corp"—
Lisa: Dad, that's FOX!
Homer: Undo! Undo!

Marge: Come on, Homer, Japan will be fun. You like Rashomon.
Homer: That's not how I remember it. Besides, if we want to see Japanese people we could have gone to the zoo!
Marge: Homer!
Homer: What? The guy who washes the elephants is Japanese. His name is Takashi. He's in my book club!

Pilot: Welcome to Japan, folks. The local time is tomorrow.

Homer: Hey, you know I once new a man from Nantucket.
Bart: And?
Homer: Let's just say the stories about him are greatly exaggerated.

Wink: Don't worry. That "lava" is just Orange Ade, made by our sponsor Osaka Orange Ade Concern.
Homer: It burns! It burns!
Wink: It's loaded with wasabi!

Bart: Goodbye Japan! I'll missing your Kentucky Fried Chicken and your sparkling whale-free seas.