Homer: Alright. You can shoot your gay adult film at my house.
Fat Tony: I didn't say anything about gay.
Homer: I thought you guys were the gay mafia.

Marge: Homer, don't touch her. You've never had chicken pox.
Homer: I know and you did. And you're great.
Marge: No, I'm just saying it's very dangerous if you get it as an adult. It could leave you sterile. Down there.
Homer: You always gotta work blue, doncha Marge? You're better than that.

Bart: Don't worry, Dad. I'm saving one for you. I'll just leave it here in the dog's mouth.
Homer: No! Bart! That's a really bad storage area!

Ned: Hey Homer, why the sour puss? Did you chug-a-lug of skunky Snapple?
Homer: I don't know, maybe. Plus my wife won't let me inside because the baby's got chicken pox.

Kirk: Son, I want to make one thing clear. Unlike the break-up, this is not your fault.

Bart: Those TV writers are geniuses.
Milhouse: Whatever they're paid, it's not enough.

Homer: Of all the people for Marge to cheat on, why did it have to be me?

Marge: Oh boy, I'm beat. If you want to return a melon to the grocery store, clear your day.

Lisa: If you don't tell Mom what you did, I will.
Bart: Oh come on. Wouldn't it be easier if our parents divorced and you compensated by marrying much older men. Meanwhile I'll be one of those weird guys who's thirty-five and shows up at high school basketball games.

Kang: This is the most boring game in the Universe!
Kodos: And with all the steroids they take the players look like freaks.

Kodos: Smooth move, Space Lax. You've destroyed the totality of existence.
Kang: It'll be fine. I'll just leave a note.

Flanders: Hi-diddly-ho! There's no bot like a robot! David punches Flanders. Ow. My Flander Doodles.

Bart: Eat my shorts!
David: I will comply.

Lisa: I hate going to the zoo. I feel so sorry for the animals.
Homer: Lisa, the zoo opens up a whole new world for the animals. In the wild, they would never experience boredom, obesity, loss of purpose. You know, the American Dream!

Robot: Tell me, young man, what is it like to have feelings?
Bart: I said I'm human, not a girl.

Lisa: Dad, Dad! Wake up! You're not a robot. You're just possessed by the Devil.

Bart: No fair! Dad gets to shoot wild animals. But I kill one bird and I have to go to a psychiatrist.
Marge: Mm. He still thinks that hobo was a bird.

Announcer: You're watching the World Series of Manslaughter. Most violent TV spectacle since the Image Hip Hop Awards.

Agnes: Seymour, I told you not to go as GI Joe.
Skinner: Mother I'm fine. I— checks pants. Uh oh.

Mayor Quimby: I am not a Happy Meal right now.

Wiggum: I'm Jared from the Subway ads! I'm only a little overweight and sexually ambiguous.

Lisa: They're tearing down the pier!
Bart: But what will junkies do drugs under?
Homer: They'll bounce back, son. They're a strong people.

Homer: You want me to ride a whatsicle built for who?
Marge: A tandem bike!

Marge: I'm a little worried. This part of the county is unincorporated. Just to be safe I'm going to dial 9-1 on my cell phone.

Bart about the tea house: Mom, this is great. It makes our real house look like a pile of crap.

Homer about My Sharona: That song is a pop music footnote! {the bullies pause} I didn't say stop!

Bart: Cool. I'm a street.

Homer: Oh sure, it's easy to point out my faults. It's a little harder to shut up.

Mayor Quimby: Dear god, every wacko, nutcase and Disco Stu in this town is gonna run against me.

Homer: Oh come on, honey, you have lots of friends. There's Lisa... and the stove.

Homer: Why does every woman I try to talk to run into cans?

Tammy (Lily Tomlin): How 'bout that wind! I don't know how you keep your hair so perfect.
Marge: Johnson's Water Seal.
Tammy: My name's Tammy. And these are my friends. The Cheery Red Tomatoes.

Homer laughing: Marge? In a gang! What are you going to do, shoot me with a frosting gun? Seriously. I would love that.

Homer: Marge, I wanted to save you from the cops but the cops followed me. Game over, man! Game, over!

Lisa: Dad! Don't act like Mussolini.
Homer: Hm. I thought I was doing Donald Trump.

Homer: A pregnant virgin? That's every man's worst nightmare!

Frink: Herod's coming for the child! Manger danger! Manger danger!

Homer: And did you know that little baby Jesus grew up to be... Jesus? {the crowd is awed} I know, it's weird isn't it?

Pilot: Kamikazes at two o'clock!
Grampa: Well, I don't usually drink after lunch, but...

I am not smarter than the president

Announcer: How often have you driven by a fire and thought, "How can this benefit me?"

Reverend Lovejoy to Action Jesus: Oh be cool for once!

Homer: So this guy might be my real father. And his name starts with M. Hm... Moleman... Mr. Burns... M. Night Shyamalan! That would be a twist worthy of his increasingly lousy films.

Mason Fairbanks (Michael York): I've dined with the Prince of Wales and killer whales. And only the latter knew how to chew without humming.

I will not flip the classroom upside down

Bart: Thank you, Satan!

Skinner: Hm. That's odd. I only turn the heat on for Parents Night.

Homer: They use a proven concept: tough hate. To turn around foul-mouthed hooligans. Then they send them home, quietly ticking away.

Bart: Dad, if you take me to Vegas I'll teach you how to cheat at blackjack.
Homer: Boy, you don't need to cheat when you've got a system.
Bart: What's your system?
Homer: I don't tell your mother how much I've lost.

Homer: One child to Portland. He's your problem now!
Ticketing Agent: It seems he was our problem before. Your son is on the no-fly list.

Pilot: Welcome to Atlanta. Please keep your seatbelt fastened until we have come to a complete stop.
Bart: Nobody tells Bart Simpson what to do! {unfastens seat belt}
Pilot: Thanks a lot, 38C. Now we all have to go back to Minneapolis. And I'm very tired.

Bart: Where's the old carefree Homer that likes to cut loose?
Homer: You mean Fun Homer? I'm afraid Serious Homer has him locked up 'til you're at your snooty torture camp.

Dead Intellectual Homer: Ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny

Mount Rushmore : Twenty Feet Out of Your Way.
Homer: Eh.

Homer: I'll have the Smiley Face breakfast special. But could you add a bacon nose? Plus bacon hair. Bacon mustache. Five o'clock shadow made of bacon bits. And a bacon body.
Skobo's Waitress: How 'bout if I just shoved a pig down your throat. {Homer sounds interested} I'm kidding.
Homer: Fine! But the bacon man lives in a bacon house!
Skobo's Waitress: No he doesn't!

Otto: Oh wow. Drugs in a bottle. I feel like Elvis Presley.

Marge: Sweetie, if someone's bullying you, you should tell your teacher.
Bart: But it's the teacher who's bullying me.
Marge: Well tell your regular bully. He won't like it one bit.

Marge: Would you like to spend the night with us?
Willie: I don' need your charity! As long as I've got a pan over me head.
Marge: That's not a pan. It's a colander.
Willie: Ah, so that's where me soup went.

Marge: Homey, what's that? On the back of your head?
Homer: It's called headvertising. It creates brand awareness without relying on traditional media.
Marge: Well it creeps me out. Homer turns off the light Wow. It glows in the dark.
Homer confused: It's not supposed to.

Homer: I'm stuck! And I have to pee. pause Now I'm just stuck.

Lisa is trying to escape a big-horned sheep:
Lisa: Mad beast!
Burns: Liberal midget!

Texan: Yee ha! I'm gonna win me a nucular plant!
Burns: Dream on, bitch.

Moe: Barney, how do you keep getting back in?
Barney: I'm a drunk. I don't know nothin' about how I do anything.

Burns: Oh. The sheep was no danger at all. I sacrificed my gorgeous body for nothing. This must be what it's like to have a baby.

Reverend Lovejoy: This fundraiser is close to achieving the Lord's goal. Building a taller steeple than the one on that snooty Episcopal church across the street.
Marge: Reverend, why do we really need this?
Reverend Lovejoy: To compensate for my own sense of smallness.

Ned: We could do a little quid pro for the Kaypro.

Left-Handers Convention
Today's Seminar -- Ambidextrous: Lefties in Denial?

Marge: Here's my mask. I'm a Star Wars!

Ned: Call me Ned Zeppelin, but is one of my boys abrased and contused?
Todd: I cut myself on a knife playing Christian Clue.
Rod: The Secular Humanist did it in the Schoolhouse with Misinformation!

Homer: Lisa, monkeys don't have feelings. If they did then my experiments could be called cruel.

Teacher was not dumped--it was mutual

Marge: What are you doing, Homer?
Homer: I'm signing us up for a reality show where we trade you to another family.
Marge: Wow, that could be interesting. Or it could damage many many lives.

Lisa: I don't understand, Dad. Our family has so many flaws. Why share them with the world?

Homer: You take forever to say nothing!

Charles (Ricky Gervais): Marge, I love you. And I can tell by your basic level of courtesy that you love me too.
Marge: What? No!

Lenny: Does this mean we're losing our job?
Mr. Burns: No no. Your jobs are safe. They'll just be done by someone else in another country.

Richard Dean Anderson to Selma and Patty: You're into MacGuyver? That show was so stupid. "Oh, I'm MacGuyver! I can make a bomb out of a banana peel and a toaster!" That show was just a paycheck to me and nothing more.

Richard Dean Anderson: Watch the face! I need that for acting!

Homer: This isn't India! Where's the University of Notre Dame? The Indy 500? Wrigley Field? Dodger Dogs?
Traveler: You ignorant American. You have confused India with Indiana, Indiana with Illinois, and the Cubs with the Dodgers.

Selma: MacGuyver lives! And not just at 2am on the USA Network.

Richard Dean Anderson: Okay, here's the plan: you lock me in the trunk of a car and park it under the pier at low tide. All I need are these everyday objects: a nail file, a Farmer's Almanack, a gun with no bullets, some bullets, and three of my MacGuyver writers.

Homer: You're giving me absolute power?
Burns: Mm hm.
Smithers: Sir, doesn't that corrupt?
Burns: Absolutely not.

Burns: No office talk. I'm floating down the Ganges with my new chums.
Smithers: Those are corpses.
Burns: You never liked my friends.

Richard Dean Anderson: Welcome home! Guess who made MacGuyver burgers? MacGuyver.
Patty: We didn't have any ground beef.
Richard Dean Anderson: Yeah, but you did have Slim Jims, a cheese grater and rubber bands to hold it all together.
Selma: We gotta get rid of this kook.

Sea Captain: Perhaps an old sea yarn might pass the time. Too bad I don't know any.
Lisa: I know one! About the most important sea voyage in American history. The journey of the Mayflower.
Sea Captain: Ah yes. The ship that brought prostitutes to America.
Lisa: Not prostitutes! Protestants!
Sea Captain: Now who's being naive?

Homer (captaining the Mayflower): Don't worry, Marge! I'll see to it you fundamentalist Christians live to take over all of America by the 21st century!

Ned Flandish: I just thought of a name for where we're going. New England!
Willie: Oh, that's real creative! What do you call your foot? New hand?

Willie: I'm warnin' you, Captain. Push this crew too far and there'll be mutiny.
Captain Bly: Mutiny? On the Bounty? What have you been smoking?
Willie: Opium.

Lisa: I can't wait to see this reimagining of Itchy and Scratchy by avant garde director Juliana Krellner.
Homer: Hey, it say here the "book" was written by Tom Stoppard.

Lindsay Naegle: You're a worse version of Hitler!

Nelson: Ha ha! The principal's a tranny.

Otto: Girls Entrance! Have an empowering day, my pony-loving leaders of tomorrow. {the girls exit} Alright, I'm gonna open this cage. But no biting!
Nelson: You're not the boss of my teeth.

Marge: ...Since then, I haven't been able to do any of the Calculus I've encountered in my daily life.

Bart: No one with a choice should ever have to be a girl. I'll teach you how to be a boy.
Lisa: You would do that for me? That is so sweet.
Bart: You're a boy. Nothing is sweet. {kicks Lisa in the leg}.
Lisa: Ow! That hurt.
Bart: Sweet.

Bart: Dad, isn't it wrong to open and/or eat other people's mail?
Homer: Son, all our mail has ever brought me is bad news. Bills, jury duty, Entertainment Weekly...

Je ne parle pas Français

Homer: Time to do what I do best: ruin it for everybody.

Voiceover: IMAX 3-D films presents Nunchucks: Cool But Useless

Rod: Daddy, was Mommy a monkey? I can't remember.
Ned: No one was ever a monkey! Everything is what it was and always will be. God put us here and that's that.

Bart: So according to Creationism, there were no cavemen.
Homer: Good riddance! Their drawings suck and they look like hippies.