I no longer want my MTV

Boy the way the Bee Gees played
Movies John Travolta made
Guessing how much Elvis weighed
Those were the days
And you knew where you were then
Watching shows like Gentle Ben
Mister we could use a man like Sheriff Lobo again
Disco Duck and Fleetwood Mac
COming out of my 8-Track
Michael Jackson still was black
Those were the days!

Lisa: Dad, you don't understand. This saxophone is like my oldest friend. I've had it for as long as I can remember.
Homer: I don't remember.
Lisa: You don't remember how you got it?
Homer: Nuh unh.
Lisa: Oh, well. It all happened in 1990. Back then, the Artist Formerly Known As Prince was currently known as Prince. Tracey Ullman was entertaining America with songs, sketches and crudely drawn filler material. And Bart was eagerly awaiting his first day of school...

Marge: Marge, name one successful person who ever lived without air conditioning.
Homer: Balzac.
Marge: No need for potty mouth just because you can't think of one.

FOX Censor reading: No... no.... {starts laughing} No. I think we can do without the crack pipe. Oh, hi! As the FOX censor, it's my job to protect you from reality. And thanks to my prudent editing, tonight's special Halloween show has been rated TV G. This means there will be no raunchy NBC-style sex. Or senseless CBS-style violence. So sit back and enjoy a night of worry-free— {he gets stabbed by his ratings system} What the fudge! Oh for Pete's sake! Jiminy Christmas! Darnit!

Mayor Quimby: I stand by my ethnic slur! Do your worst you filthy, pretentious savages.

Comic Book Guy staring down the bomb: Oh, I've wasted my life.

Homer eating out of a can: You call that prime rib? Yech.

Dr. Hibbert: Not everyone died in the blast, Homer. Some of us were horribly mutated.

Homer: Marge! Kids! You're alive!
Lisa: All the layers of lead paint in this house made it the perfect bomb shelter.

Lisa: Wow, look at all these gadgets. If I were a nerd I'd be in Heaven.

Lisa: There's one thing I don't understand. When Bart went through the transporter, what happened to his head?
Homer: Eh. It'll turn up somewhere.

Lisa: If they're really witches why don't they use their witch power to escape?
Homer: That sounds like witch-talk to me, Lisa.
Lisa: Never mind.

Marge: Let's come to our senses, everyone. This witch hunt is turning into a circus.

Selma: You know, scaring people into giving us treats is fun. We should do this every year.
Marge: I just wish we hadn't filled up on all those kids before we got to the Flanders.

Sea Captain: And it wasn't long before this yearly custom became an annual tradition.

Bart: Yo! Paella Man! Wing one up here!

Marge: Homer, we've got to get out of here.
Homer: Oh! But I want to do some rioting.

Ex-con Salesman: But surely you can't put a price on your family's lives?
Homer: I wouldn't have thought so either, but here we are.

Homer: I'd like to buy your deadliest gun please.
Aisle six. Next to the sympathy cards.

The law requires a five-day waiting period. We've got to run a background check.
Homer: Five days! But I'm mad now! I'd kill you if I had my gun.
Yeah well, you don't.

Marge: Homer! I don't want guns in my house! Don't you remember when Maggie shot Mr. Burns?
Homer: I thought Smithers did it.
Lisa: That would have made more sense.

Homer: But I have to have a gun! It's in the Constitution.
Lisa: Dad! The second amendment is just a remnant from Revolutionary Day. It has no meaning today.
Homer: You couldn't be more wrong, Lisa. If I didn't have this gun, the King of England could just walk in here any time he wants and start shoving you around. You want that? Huh! Do you?!
Lisa: No.

I did not invent Irish dancing

Dr. Hibbert: Well, your cholesterol level is lethally high, Homer, but I'm more concerned about your gravy levels.
Homer: Now wait a second. You doctors have been telling us to drink eight glasses of gravy a day.
Dr. Hibbert: You're a little confused.
Homer: Oh ho. Confused, would we?

Marge: You know, Homer, it's very easy to criticize.
Homer: Fun too.

Marge: You shouldn't pressure Bart like that.
Homer: Well if you know a better way for me to live through my son I'd like to hear it.

Homer: Son, you can do anything you want. I have total faith in you.
Bart: Since when?
Homer: Since your mother yelled at me.

Lisa: Well I know you don't want to disappoint Dad, but how do you feel about lying to him?
Bart: Good.

Nelson: I gotta quit smoking.

Hank Hill (Mike Judge): We drove two thousand miles for this?

Homer: I'm feeling kinda low, Apu. Got any of that beer that has candy floating in it. You know, Skittlebrau.
Apu: Such a product does not exist, sir. I think you may have dreamed it.
Homer: Oh. Then just gimme a six pack and a bag of Skittles.

Homer: You're cut too, shushy!

Apu: Is it me or do your plans involve some horrible web of lies?
Homer: It's you.

Lisa: Can I ask you about your dot?
Mrs. Nahasapeemapetilon: What would you like to know?
Lisa: What's the deal with that dot?
Bart: Yeah, can you see out of it? Does it change colors when you're ticked off?
Mrs. Nahasapeemapetilon: You tell me.
Bart: Nothing yet.

Mrs. Nahasapeemapetilon: Surely you children are aware of your Brahmin heritage.
Bart: As long as you have absolutely no follow-up questions, yes. Yes, we are.
Lisa: Fully.

Marge: I've been looking over this list of things for the ceremony. I've got the extra wine glasses, but I'm still short a Tandoori oven, an elephant and four castrati.
Bart: What's a castrati?
Marge: I don't know, but I'm sure it's spicy.

Bart: Wow! I wish I had an elephant.
Lisa: You did. His name was Stampy. You loved him.
Bart: Oh yeah.

Marge: I don't know. There's something very peculiar about this.
Homer: Geesh! You're the most paranoid family I've ever been affiliated with.

Lisa: But they might be paving over rare specimens. Pull over so we can complain, Dad. Come on! Who wants to complain with me? {silence} Fine. I'll come back later. Who wants to come back with me! {silence} Fine.

Principal Skinner: Attention: all honor students will be rewarded with a trip to an archaeological dig. Conversely, all detention students will be punished with a trip to an archaeological dig.

Burns: Smithers, use the amnesia ray.
Smithers: You mean the revolver, sir?
Burns: Precisely. Be sure to wipe your own memory clear when you're finished.

Marge: My poor Lisa. If you can't make a leap of faith now and then... well. I feel sorry for you.
Lisa: Don't feel sorry for me, Mom. I feel sorry for you.

Bart: Why are we getting dressed up, Mom? Are we going to Black Angus?
Marge: Well, you might say we're going to the best steak house in the universe.
Bart: So we're not going to Black Angus.

Marge: Well I guess you were right, honey. But you have to admit, when that angel started to talk, you were squeezing my hand pretty hard.
Lisa: Well it was just so loud, and.... Thanks for squeezing back.
Marge: Anytime, my angel.

After Homer turns on the Christmas lights.
Bart: It's craptacular.

Homer: Here comes Lee Marvin. Thank god! He's always drunk and violent.

Marge: Who knew that Lee Marvin could do such marvelous splits.
Lisa: He's dreamy.

Homer: Singing is the lowest form of communication.

Marge: Homer, you sing all the time.
Homer: No I don't. I hate to rhyme!

Homer: The experts say that if you want an animal to do something you should do it yourself first to show them how.
Marge: I'm not going to the bathroom in the backyard.
Homer: Phpt. Sorry, Your Majesty.

Bart: There's gotta be a way out of this. Lisa, chop off my hands!
Lisa: No! Then who'll chop off my hands?

Cooder (Jim Varney): Son, if you don't finish your cotton candy you won't get your sno cone.

Homer: You better not be in my ass groove!
Marge: Homer!
Homer: It took me years to forge that groove.

Shooting paintballs is not an art form

Homer: Homer no function beer well without.

The Leader knows how miserable you, Marge, Lisa, Bart and Maggie are.
Homer: Really? I'm surprised about Maggie.

Homer: Marge, when I join an underground cult I expect a little support from my family!
Lisa: Dad, do you think you might have been brainwashed?
Homer: I have not been brainwashed. Kill the girl... kill the girl...

Marge: Now, how are we going to get my Homey back?
Willie: I'll kidnap him for fifty, deprogram him for a hundred, and I'll kill him for five hundred.
Marge: No no no. Just the first two.
Willie: Alright. I'll throw in the killin' for free.

Cletus: Stranger, you're 'atrespassing on my dirt farm.
Leader: Uhh... do you happen to need a Messiah?
Cletus: No, but I'll take them money bags from ye.
Leader: I should have stayed with the Promise Keepers.

Skinner: Okay, Libya: exports.
Bart: Yes sir, you American pig!
Skinner: Nice touch.

Skinner: Remember, Otto. We're trusting you with our greatest natural resource. The school bus.

Marge: Is that my good butter?
Homer: Can't discuss that now, Marge. I have to write another delicious memo. Mmm... memo...

Bart: What's everyone's problem? I'm glad we're stranded. It'll be just like the Swiss Family Robinson. Only with more cursing. We're gonna live like kings. Damn hell ass kings!

Sherri: I'm so hungry I could eat at Arby's!

Bart: I must find him not guilty.
Milhouse: All right!
Martin: But he ate our food!
Lisa: The law has spoken.
Nelson: Ah, sucks to the law.
Lisa: Stop! Leave Milhouse alone. Help me out here, Bart.
Bart: I don't know, Lis. To be honest that verdict made me pretty angry.

Homer: Wow, they have the internet on computers now.

James Earl Jones: So the children learned to function as a society. and eventually they were rescued by, oh... let's say, Moe.

Pain is not the cleanser

Bart: Why do I need church shoes for? Jesus wore sandals.
Homer: Well maybe if he had better arch support they wouldn't have caught him.

Bart: Excuse me, I'm looking for someone named Jay Leno.
Jay Leno: Somebody wanna get this kid a TV?
Bart: Woah. Gee, thanks Mister.

Sideshow Mel: You can be so cruel when you're sober.
Krusty: Well I'll fix that! I'm going on the bender to end all benders.

Kent the Clown: Today's top joke: It seems a local moron threw his clock out the window. We'll tell you why after this.

Krusty: I learned something tonight, kid. It ain't comedy that's in my blood. It's selling out.

Lisa: Dear Log, Can it be true? Do all Simpsons go through a process of dumbening? {she stops} Wait, that's not how you spell dumbening. Wait, dumbening isn't even a word!

Bar Patron: Sounds like she's hitting a baby with a cat.
Lisa: You have to listen to the notes she's not playing.
Bar Patron: I can do that at home.

Marge: Simpson gene? That's just foolishness!
Grampa: No, baldness too.

Bart: Wait a minute. So this means I'm going to be a failure?
Homer: Yes son. A spectacular failure.

Mrs. Krabappel: Now who's calculator can tell me what seven times eight is?

Jimbo: Videotaping this crime spree is the best idea we've ever had!

Bart: Come on, Ralph, your dad's a cop. There must be some cool stuff around here. Bullets, dead body photos, what-have-you.
Ralph: He keeps that stuff in his closet, but he says I'm not allowed in there.
Bart: Did he say I'm not allowed in there?
Ralph: Yes.

Ralph Wiggum: That's where I saw the leprechaun! He told me to burn things.

Chief Wiggum: What is your fascination with my Forbidden Closet of Mystery?

Bart: Hey come on! I thought we were friends.
Jimbo: Yeah, well, I hope the irony's not lost on you, Simpson.

Ralph: The pointy kitty took it!

Mr. Burns: Smithers! There's a rocket in my pocket.
Smithers: You don't have to tell me sir.

Homer: correcting a superior officer Nu-cu-lar. It's pronounced nu-cu-lar.

Chief Wiggum: Alright people, listen up. The harder you push, the faster we get out of here.

Homer: Will you look at those morons. I paid my taxes over a year ago.

IRS Agent: Mr. Simpson, this government computer can process over nine tax returns per day. Did you really think you could fool it?
Homer: No, sir. I'm really sorry, sir. An older boy told me to do it.

Homer: Does this make me look fat?
Lisa: No, it makes you look like a tool of government oppression.
Homer: But not fat?

Mr. Burns: Hm. A pack of vicious dogs should be ripping you to pieces.
Homer: I don't know what to tell you.
Mr. Burns: Very well. Come on in. Perhaps I have something I can scald you with.

Aide: But Presidente, America tried to kill you!
Fidel Castro: Eh, they're not so bad. They even named a street after me in San Francisco. {aide whispers to him} It's full of what?!

McBain: McBain to base: Under attack by Commie Nazis.

Marge: That's what I call break neck speed!
Bart: Mom, a man just died.

Bart: I pick my dad.
Nelson: Him?
Bart: You'd be surprised. He gets pretty competitive when he's been drinking.

Brad (Brendan Fraser): And when he reaches the top, Mr. Simpson here will plant this Power Sauce flag as an eternal symbol of man's contempt for nature.

Sherpa 1: Brad and Neil were quite insistent you not die.
Sherpa 2: Frankly, we don't care.

Neil (Steven Weber): Wake up, Homer. Those bars are just junk. They're made of apple cores and Chinese newspapers.
Homer looking at the bar: Hey. Deng Xiaoping died.

Lisa: May I have that seat?
Comic Book Guy: Yes! If you can answer me these questions three. Question the first!—
Lisa: Never mind.

Lisa: Stupid bus that can't even go to the stupid place it's supposed to stupid go.

Praying heavenward
Homer: I'm not normally a praying man. But if you're up there, please, save me, Superman!

Homer: Stupid risks are what make life worth living! Now your mother, she's the steady type. And that's fine in small doses. But me, I'm a risk-taker. That's why I have so many adventures.

Homer: Lisa, can you open the window? The cops have daddy's prints on file.

Lisa: Oh! We can't touch it, Dad. It's behind the velvet rope. A velvet rope.

Homer: Marge, can we trade? I don't trust these guys.