Homer: Now, before I abandon you in this cornfield, does anyone remember the way home?
Homer clone: I do.
Homer shoots the clone.
Homer: Anybody else?
Another clone raises his hand. Homer shoots him.
Homer: Anybody else? Come on.
Another clone raises his hand and gets shot.
Homer: Okay, everyone out.

Lisa: Dad, is there anything you'd like to tell us about this horde?
Homer: You'd think so. But no.

Mayor Quimby: Springfield's weapons of death have been converted into weapons of climbing and sliding.

Mayor Quimby: I proudly declare our town utterly defenseless!

William Bonney: Looks like the only guns left are in my cold, dead hands.

Marge: These are horrible ghouls from the past.
Homer: Hey, so are the Grammy judges.

Sideshow Mel: Another tragedy prevented by gun violence!

Moe: Now to get me some cavemen hookers.

Dr. Hibbert: Now he may try to slobber on your crotch.
Homer: Eh. I've been around Scotsmen.

Marge: I couldn't even wake you up for work this morning. I had to tell Mr. Burns you had violent diarrhea.
Homer: Oh! Couldn't you come up with a less embarrassing lie?
Marge: But you did have violent diarrhea. Nobody open the hallway closet until I say it's okay.

Mick Jagger: Remember, rule number one: there are no rules! Rule number two: no outside food.

Homer: I'm so excited I couldn't fall asleep. I even took some pills I found on the floor and still nothing.
Apu: You took some pills you found on the floor?
Homer: Uh huh. Now I'm afraid that if I stop talking I'll die. Isn't Mick cool? I thought he'd be all like, "I'm a rock star. Aren't I great?" But he's just like you or me, or Jesus over there.

Elvis Costello: Come on. Who'd like to be a bass player?
Homer: Out of my way, Nerdlinger. grabs guitar and knocks off Elvis' glasses
Elvis Costello: My image!

Fish do not like coffee

Homer: I can't take any more of these shows. If I wanted reality I'd have this lump looked at.

TV Salesman: Okay, now all we have to do is installed your satellite dish. Will you be home from 8am Monday morning through... June?
Homer: No problem.

Principal Skinner: Lisa, because of your outstanding score on yesterday's test, you're being immediately moved up to the third grade!
Bart: She's not so great! She got diarrhea when we went to Carlsbad Cavern!
Principal Skinner: Okay, Bart. Since you like attention so much I have a second announcement. I was going to tell you this privately but because of your incredibly low test score we'e sending you back to third grade.

Mrs. McConnell: Alright, everybody choose a buddy for the field trip.
Bart: I'll take Kyle!
Lisa: I'll take Ashley!
Mrs. McConnell: Saying your buddy's name out loud is a security risk. I'll just put you two together.

Capital City Goofball: Mr. Speaker, the time has come to redesign our state flag. This Confederate symbol is an embarrassment. Particularly as we are a Northern state.

Lisa: Bart, you're my big brother. You should act like it more often. You know, protect me from the bad things in the world.
Bart: Well, as far as nerdy little sisters go, you're the coolest.
Lisa: Thanks Bart.

Announcer: ...Victory seems certain for Governor Thomas C. Dewey.
Homer: Dewey! Dewey! Dewey!
Lisa: Dad, I'm telling you. Truman wins.

Lisa: This is a band-aid wrapped inside tinfoil.
Homer: My real ring's inside a turtle.

Marge: Homey, are you as attracted to me as you were when we met?
Homer: Sure. Why not.

Homer: Wow. Someone's tucked in to an insane degree.

Lisa: Mom! What happened? Your endowment's bigger than Harvard's.
Homer: Well that cinches it. Lisa gets the prize for the best off-the-cuff response.
Lisa: Actually I saw them earlier and I was working on it in the hall.

Homer: Shut up, boy.
Bart: I don't get a song? Mom got a song!
Homer: With the economy the way it is, you're lucky you get soup.

Milhouse did not test cootie positive

Marge: Can't beat a skybox. All the excitement of being in the sky with the security of being in a box.

Lisa: But where will we live?
Homer: Don't worry. We'll just hang out in front of the house beside these garbage cans. The time will just fly by. {he cracks a beer a la King of the Hill}

Marge: We are not staying at Moe's! Maggie's already drunk on the fumes. And she's a mean drunk.

Bart: Mutt and Jeff comics are not funny. They're gay! I get it!

Homer: Marge! Throw me an old timey rope in an old timey way.

Homer: "Your family is invited to a free weekend at Stagnant Springs Spa."
Marge: Oo. That place is famous. It's where J Lo hit P Diddy upside the head with Gary Coleman.

Spa Guide: Do you like Dr. Seuss?
Lisa: No.
Spa Guide: Then you'll love Dr. Mas-seuess!

Homer: Don't struggle. You'll only sink faster.

Wiggum: Mr. Simpson, is it possible you're leading a double or triple life that your wife doesn't know about?
Homer: Triple? No. Definitely no.

Marge: I don't think this was a great place to bring the children.
Lisa: It still beats Disney's California Adventure.

Lisa and Bart: Augh! Sideshow Bob!
Sideshow Bob: Oh come now. We've been through so much together. Just call me Bob.
Lisa and Bart: Augh! Bob!

Bart: Dad! I can't believe you're putting my life at risk to save your own.
Homer: You'll understand one day when you have kids.

Sideshow Bob: How can one ordinary man have so many enemies?
Homer: I'm a people person. Who drinks.

Marge: These are Homer's friends and family. They don't want him dead. They just want him to suffer.

Homer: Wait a minute. Frank Grimes wasn't married. How could he have a kid?
Frank Grimes, Jr.: He happened to like hookers, okay?

Lisa: Mom. Dad. My birthday's coming up and Girltech Turbo Diaries are in stores now.
Homer: Lisa, nobody likes a shill.
Lisa: Just buy me the friggin' toy.
Homer: Heh heh heh. I love that little shill.

Lisa: I don't like McNuggets. I'm a vegetarian!
Homer: Still?!

Homer: Now, if you need to reach me, my email is chunkylover53 at AOL.
Dexter Colt: Chunky Lover 53...
Homer: It's one word.
Dexter Colt: One word.
Homer: Chunkylover53.
Dexter Colt: AOL.
Homer: Dot com.

Homer: Lisa's pet peeve is phonies? I thought she loved them!

Radio: Police are looking for a bald man in blue pants and a fair-haired girl in a red lampshade.

Lisa: How could you?
Homer: Well all the childless drunks at Moe's thought it was a good idea.

This school does not need a "regime change"

Homer: Hey! Your early porno movies! Are any of these hetero?
Rainier Wolfcastle: What's there is there.

Apu about Maggie: That is the most pungent thing I have ever smelled and I am from India.

Apu: Don't worry. That sign is just a rouse. Like all high voltage signs.

Marge: Oh no, I pepper sprayed Ralph!
Ralph: Even my boogers are spicy.

Homer: Bart will play Apu.
Lisa: I'm a magazine rack.
Homer: Look, I'm the first to admit it. I don't write good parts for women.

Marge: What to do now. I'm too crazy to go outside. Not crazy enough to have imaginary friends.

Marge: Grampa! I'm not afraid!
Grampa: Then you're not paying close enough attention.

Ruth Powers: Steroids aren't drugs. They occur naturally in the body. Like sweat. Or tumors.
Marge: But aren't there side effects?
Ruth Powers: Yes! Their main side effect is greatness.

Bart: Why didn't Mom make our lunch?
Homer: Your mom has a lot of stuff to shave.

Marge: I didn't sacrifice my period for second place!

Moe: Listen, Marge. How could I put this delicately? I don't got enough booze in this place to make you look good.

Homer: You know, I used to think God only helped professional athletes and Grammy winners. But now I realize he helps shmoes like me too.

Some drywall collapses and Maggie crawls out
Homer: You was hiding behind the drywall, yes you were. I'm glad social services didn't see this, yes I am. {Maggie coughs} Oo, you coughed up some drywall.

Lisa: There's so many places to cloister myself!

Barney: If it weren't for Alcoholics Anonymous, I'd still be sucking the juice out of glow sticks.

Marge: Aren't you afraid you might be incurring God's wrath?
Homer: Eh. God's cool.
Marge: See, I don't know that he is.

Marge: I can't count how many time's your father has done something crazy.
Lisa looking at ticker: It's 300, Mom!
Marge: I could've sworn it was 302.
Lisa: Shhh!

Voiceover: We start with authentic letter-graded meat, then process the hell out of it. 'Til it's good enough for Krusty.
Krusty: Try my new Krusty Ribwich. Mm! I don't mind the taste.

George Plimpton: If you take a dive, we'll guarantee you a scholarship to the Seven Sisters collge of your choice.
Lisa: Oh... free college?
George Plimpton: And a hot plate! It's perfect for soup.

Barnard: We are the Seven Sisters. And you can attend any one of us. Like Barnard, Columbia's girl-next-door.
Radcliffe: Come to Radcliffe and meet Harvard men.
Wellsley: Or come to Wellsley and marry them.
Mount Holyoke: No! Party with me!
Vassar: Or non-conform with me!
Smith: Play lacrosse with me.
Bryn Mawr: Or explore with me.

Rib Head: Hey man, can you turn me on?
Homer: Hey, don't Borgnine my sandwich.

Krusty: Look about the ribwich. There aren't gonna be anymore. The animal we made 'em from is now extinct.
Homer: The pig?
Otto: The cow?
Krusty: You're way off. Think smaller. Think more legs.

Krusty: Wow, what a long strange product roll out it's been.

Sara Sloane (Marisa Tomei): Are you for real?
Ned: I'm as real as the nose on your face.
Sara Sloane: Yeah... real.

Ned: I can't date a movie star. I'm no Arthur Miller or Lyle Lovett.
Homer: Now wait just a minute! I used to worry Marge was too good for me. She was always thinking of ways to improve me. But then a part of her died. And she doesn't even try anymore. So we're all where we want to be.

Homer: Now who might you be? A tabloid. Is that one of those really strong mints?

Ned: Woah woah woah. This movie's turning into SpongeBob NoPants.

Sara Sloane: Rainier, you're too jealous. You beat up Jon Lovitz just because he presented me an award.
Rainier Wolfcastle: Oh come on! Nobody misses a handshake that badly.

Marge: Today's book is Bridget Jones' Diary. Now let's go around the room and analyze why we didn't read it.
Edna: Cramps.
Mrs. Skinner: All my friends are dead.
Luanne: Well then, I guess it's time for margaritas!
Sara Sloane: Well I wish someone had read the book, since I did invite the author, Helen Fielding.

Sara Sloane: Wow. That made me completely forget about Bob Balaban.
Ned: Huh. That's what Maude used to say.

Homer: Mmm... promo. Ew FOX!

Marge: Not the swear jar. It's the only thing holding back the filth. {the swear jar breaks} Nutty fudgkins.

Representative Horace Wilcox: That's the saddest story I've heard in my seventy-five years of public service. It makes my blood boil. And my left arm feel numb. Also I taste copper.

Homer: I guess there's only one way out of our problems. A murder-suicide pact.
Marge: How can you say that!
Homer: It's just an expression, Marge.

Krusty: I can even tell the FCC to take a hike. Look at this list of words they won't let me say on the air.
Bart: Aw. All the goods ones. I've never heard of number nine.
Krusty: It's doing thirteen while she's elevening your five.
Bart: Can I keep this?
Krusty: Sure. No twelve off my ass.

Krusty: Are you guys any good at covering up youthful and middle-aged indiscretions?
Mr. Burns: Are these indiscretions romantic, financial or treasonous?
Krusty: Russian hooker. You tell me.

News Anchor: Welcome to FOX News. Your voice for evil.

Bart: At last, the planes are flying where they belong.
Homer: That's right. Over the homes of poor people.

Homer: Oh my darling, nothing is too romantic for you. Have some more liquor!

Homer: Thank you, outdoor advertising! You've saved my marriage. And not for the first time.

Homer: Oh! Nobody loves oily Homer.

Successmanship 101 Teacher: You there! The greasy naked bald man!
Homer: You know everything about me.

Successmanship 101 Teacher: You see that car out there? That's a Bentley Mark XII. They gave one to me, one to Steven Spielberg, and then they shot the guy who made it.
Lenny: I'd hate to be in that union.

Homer: "Tip 1: Live each day like it was your last." {cut to Homer sitting on a curb, crying}. I don't wanna die! I'm so young!

Homer: All my life I've had one dream: to achieve my many goals.

Marge: Homey, don't let it get you down. So Mr. Burns doesn't take you seriously. Big whoop. Who gives a doodle. Whoopie ding dong doo.
Homer: Thanks for trying, but I'll be at Moe's.
Marge: So my husband goes to a bar every night. Whoopety-do. Who gives a bibble. Gabba gabba hey.

Mr. Burns: Good Lord, that canary was supposed to be my pigeon. I need to find a patsy quick!

Mr. Burns: Now, a few more details about this year's company picnic. It's at the plant, no food will be served, the only activity will be work and the picnic is cancelled.

Mr. Burns: That man's mad! Smithers, get this bedlamite an alienist.
Homer: No! It's entirely within my power.

Mr. Burns: Knock knock.
Homer: Mr. Burns! Where's Mr. Smithers?
Mr. Burns: He's doing eighty years on an opium bust. I never saw a man take to a Turkish prison so quickly.

Declan Desmond (Eric Idle): And in a flash, Bart's glory has gone the way of England's masculinity.

Principal Skinner: Remember, as far as he knows we still teach math.

Bart: All that's left for me is to become the biggest drunk this town's ever seen.
Homer: Talkin' won't get you there.

Homer: Oh my god! Space monsters are invading us.
Lisa: Dad. That's a moth.
Homer: Oh. Well where do I twist this thing to make funny patterns?
Lisa: Dad! That's a kaleidoscope.
Homer: You may be a smart kid, Lisa, but you don't know much about not hurting people's feelings.

Lisa: Does it make you feel superior to tear down people's dreams?
Declan: Yes. Does it make you feel smart to question people's motives?
Lisa: Yes.
Declan: Well alright then.

Kent Brockman: The government has issued an orange alert which, once again, means nothing.

Milhouse: You're gonna depreciate a mafia don's car?
Bart: Hey, we're all gonna be murdered some day.

Lisa: I wonder what Mom came up with for this week’s Family Wednesday.
Homer: I hope it's as fun as Pictionary was last week!
Bart: Dad, we weren't playing Picionary. That was an intervention to stop your drinking.
Homer: What? Are you sure?

Marge: I can't believe our family finished something this complicated.
Homer: It's the only worthwhile thing I ever made that wasn't Lisa. {Maggie frowns} Prove me wrong, Silent Bob!

Homer: Marge, I can't live like this. I'm tired of walking around on eggshells.
Marge: Maybe if you didn't throw them on the floor.
Homer: Now you're just making up rules! Who made you Judge Judy and executioner?

Marge: Lisa, marriage is a beautiful thing. But it's also a constant battle for moral superiority.

Grady: Homer, please. Practically everyone who's acted in, produced or even seen a play is gay.

Singing to the tune of Hava Nagila
The Simpsons: Have a / nice Christmas! Have a / nice Christmas! Have a / nice Christmas / non-Christian friends.
Krusty: That's even worse than I'm Dreaming of a Whitefish Christmas.

Marge: I am so sick of that song!
Homer: Me too. I've come to hate my own creation. Now I know how God feels.

Marge: Homey, I'm worried about how fast our kids are growing up.
Homer: It's the beef hormones and the fluorescent lights. What're you gonna do.

Lisa: Sister! You mean she's not your girlfriend?
Luke Stetson (Jonathan Taylor Thomas): Hell no. They outlawed that in this state two years ago.

Homer: Look at those city slickers with their fur coats and pointy hats.
Marge: Homer, those are elk.
Homer: I still hate them!

Lisa: I'm impressed that you drew up blueprints, but these are for a go-cart track.
Homer: Did Frank Lloyd Wright have to deal with people like you?
Lisa: Actually, Frank Lloyd Wright endured a lot of harsh criticism
Homer: Look. I have no idea who Frank Lloyd Wright is.
Lisa: You said his name two seconds ago.
Homer: I was just putting words together.

Marge: The Amish are so industrious. Not like those shifty Mennonites.

Homer: Marge, prepare the emergency ham!

Lisa: Why does a dog have human girlfriends?
Marge: People do crazy things in ads. Like eat at Arby's.

Homer: Prepare the celebration ham!
Marge: All we have are the earthquake ham and the condolence ham.
Homer: Marge, they're just hams, okay?

Marge: Kids, that show's not life-affirming. We're going to watch a show about the everyday problems of angels.

Milhouse: Do you think bugs feel pain?
Bart: If they don't, I've wasted a lot of my life.

Bart: These losers are out of peanut butter.
Milhouse: I know how to make some. Peanuts... butter.... Now we just put the top on.
Bart: Hey, I didn't get where I am putting tops on things.

Homer: I never knew you were such a Beatles fan.
Ned: Of course I am. They were bigger than Jesus. But your boy went Yoko and broke up my collection.
Bart: Hey, boys will be boys.
Marge: I am so tired of that tautology.

Lisa: Hey, Dad, maybe you could lead Bart's tribe.
Homer: You mean like some sort of mad man?
Lisa: Ideally, no, but—
Homer: I'll do it!

Homer: I am Homer Tribal Chief. I am wearing tiny briefs. Braves teach values boys should know. Now extended drum solo.

Mr. Burns seeing the smoke signal: Oh no. The Pawnee have returned. They probably want their souls back.

Bart: Hey! Some jerks cleaned our field.
Nelson: It's awful. It looks like Wisconsin.

Bart reading: "We will crush you and smother your dreams. Yours in Christ, the Cavalry Kids."

Homer: How come Lisa always gets to pick the family activity?
Lisa: Because I know every time you say, "Pick a number from one to ten" it's always seven.
Homer: That's because there were seven Apostles.
Marge: No. There were twelve.
Homer: Wow. That's a big staff. And still he wasn't that funny.

Moe: Hey, those are my customers-slash-only-friends. Where are they getting their beer? A cooler? I've been replaced by a cooler? And who can blame them.

Mr. Burns: How you got in my car pool I'll never know.

Moe: Why's she crying? Oh, that's right. I still got her nose.