Homer: Junk ... junk... the airplane's upside down. Stradi-who-vius?

Marge: Your teenage son or daughter will think this wishbone necklace is really cool.
Man: I doubt my son or daughter is that stupid.

Skinner: We need a name that's witty at first. But gets less funny each time you say it.
Apu: How about the Be Sharps?

Homer: "There was nothing in Al Capone's vault. But it wasn't Geraldo's fault."

President Reagan: Damn ceremonies. This is a time I could be working, Mommy.

Bart: What'd you do? Screw up like the Beatles and say you were bigger than Jesus?
Homer: All the time. It was the title of our second album.

The Be Sharps perform on a building rooftop
George Harrison: It's been done.

Mr. Burns: A watchdog of public safety. Is there any lower form of life?

Lisa: "List your three favorite books and how they have influenced your life."
Homer: Is TV Guide a book?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Son of Sniglet?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Katharine Hepburn's Me?
Lisa: No!
Homer: Oh, I suck!

Joey Ramone: Go to hell, you old bastard!
Mr. Burns: Have the Rolling Stones killed.
Smithers: But sir, those aren't—
Mr. Burns: Do as I say!

Bart: Paintings. Lifeless images rendered in colorful goop. But at night, they take on a life of their own. They become portals to Hell, so scary and horrible and gruesome that—
Marge: Bart, you should warn people this episode is very frightening. Maybe they'd rather listen to that old War of the Worlds broadcast on MPR.
Bart: Yes, Mother.
Marge: Good! Now you hold Maggie. I'm going to buy earrings at the gift shop.

Homer: Stay calm. Remember your training. {checks the emergency procedures book} "Dear Homer, I.O.U one emergency donut. Signed Homer." Bastard! He's always one step ahead! I'd sell my soul for a donut.
Devil Flanders: That can be arranged.
Homer: Flanders! You're the Devil?
Devil Flanders: It's always the one you least suspect.

Mr. Burns: Who's that goat-legged fellow? I like the cut of his jib.
Smithers: Prince of Darkness, sir. He's your eleven o'clock.

Devil Flanders: Hey Bart.
Bart: Hey.

Ironic Punishment Division: I don't understand it. James Coburn went mad in fifteen minutes.

Marge: Bart! Stop pestering Satan.

Devil Flanders: I give you the jury of the damned! Benedict Arnold. Lizzie Borden. Richard Nixon.
Nixon: But I'm not dead yet. In fact I just wrote an article for Redbook.
Devil Flanders: Hey listen, I did a favor for you.
Nixon: Yes, master.
Devil Flanders: John Wilkes Booth. Blackbeard the Pirate. John Dillinger. And the starting line of the 1976 Philadelphia Flyers.

Bart checking his sheets: I hope this is sweat.

Homer: Lisa. Vampires are make-believe. Just like elves, gremlins and Eskimos.

Marge: Homer, we have to do something. Today he's drinking people's blood. Tomorrow he could be smoking.

Homer: Kill my boss?! Do I dare live out the American dream?

Troy McClure: Hello. I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such telethons as Out with Gout 88 and Let's Save Tony Bennett's House!

Homer: Marge, this may be hard to believe, but I'm trapped in two vending machines.

Rescuer: Homer, this is never easy to say. We're going to have to saw your arms off.
Homer: They'll grow back, right?
Rescuer: Oh. Yeah.
Homer: Whew!

Rescuer: Homer, are you just holding on to the can?
Homer: Your point being?

Ruth Powers: I envy you and Homer.
Marge: Thank you. Why?
Ruth Powers: If you ever met my ex-husband you'd understand. All he ever did was eat, sleep and drink beer.
Marge: Your point being?

Homer: Moe, get the darts. I wanna play.
Moe: No. We're phasing out the games. People drink less when they're having fun.

Ruth Powers: Marge, you're the levelheaded friend I never had.

Apu: If you survive, please come again!

Bart: Woah! That's good Squishee.

Bart: Okay. We're young, rich and full of sugar. What do we do?
Milhouse: Let's go crazy, Broadway-style!

Milhouse: Hey, don't Bogart that Squishee!
Barney: I don't know where you magic pixies came from, but I like your pixie drink.

Bart: What's done is done. I've made my bed and now I've got to weasel out of it.

Ned: God speed, little doodle.

Ernest Borgnine: Well it sure is lucky we stumbled upon this old abandoned summer camp.

Lenny: Homer, what's the matter?
Carl: Ain't you never seen a naked chick riding a clam before?
Homer: Gotta go! {he rushes out of the room} What the hell was that? I probably shouldn't have eaten that packet of powered gravy I found in the parking lot.

Homer: Moe, I need your advice.
Moe: Yeah?
Homer: See, I got this friend named... Joey Jo Jo... Junior... Shabadoo.
Moe: That's the worst name I ever heard.
Joey runs out of the bar sobbing
Barney: Hey! Joey Jo Jo!

Mindy Simmons (Michelle Pfeiffer): I can see I'm gonna love working with you. Well, gotta go. I want to sneak in a quick nap before lunch.
Homer: Foul temptress! I bet she thinks Ziggy's gotten too preachy too.

Homer: Colonel Klink! Did you ever get my letters?
Colonel Klink (Werner Klemperer): I'm not actually Colonel Klink. I'm just assuming his form.
Homer: Hee hee hee. Did you know Hogan had tunnels all over your camp?
Colonel Klink: Homerrrrr!

Homer: "You will find happiness with a new love." Oh! Even the Chinese are against me. What's the point. I can't fight fate.
Meanwhile in the kitchen
Waiter: Hey, we're out of these new love cookies.
Waiter: Well open up the stick with your wife barrel.

Mindy: What's wrong?
Homer: Oh yeah, like you don't know. We're gonna have sex.
Mindy: Oh. Well, we don't have to.
Homer: Yes we do. The cookie told me so!
Mindy: Well. Desserts aren't always right.
Homer: But they're so sweet.

I will not say “Springfield” just to get applause

Homer: The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side!
Man: That's a right triangle, you idiot!
Homer: D'oh!

Lisa: Dad, you shouldn't wear glasses that weren't prescribed for you!
Homer: Lisa, just because you're ten feet tall doesn't mean you can tell me what to do.
Bart: I'm Bart.

Marge: In honor of legalized gambling, why not go as the state of Nevada?
Lisa: No. Nevada makes my butt look big.

Homer: Remember when I let that escaped lunatic in the house because he was dressed like Santa Claus? Well you have a gambling problem!
Marge: Homer, when you forgive someone you can't throw it back at them like that.
Homer: Aw, what a gyp.

Bart: I know, I'll just do like Lisa and escape into fantasy. {it doesn't work} Damn TV, you've ruined my imagination! Just like you've ruined my ability to, ah...

Homer: You'll have to speak up. I'm wearing a towel.

Krusty: Bart! I need your fingerprints on a candlestick. Meet me in the conservatory, chop chop.

Lisa: This biography of Bart came awfully quickly. It's not even about him!
Bart: Sure it is. Look at the cover.
Lisa: But inside it's mostly about Ross Perot, and the last two chapters are excerpts from the Oliver North trial.
Homer: Ah, Oliver North. He was just poured into that uniform.
Marge: Hm...

Bart: I never thought I'd say this, but shouldn't we be learning something?
Milhouse: Say the line, Bart!

Lisa: And now you can go back to just being you, instead of a one-dimensional character with a silly catchphrase.
Homer breaks lamp: D'oh!
Bart: Aye Carumba!
Marge: Hmmm.
Maggie sucks her pacifier.
Flanders: Hidely-ho.
Barney burps
Nelson: Ha ha!
Burns: Excellent!
They all stare at her.
Lisa: If anyone wants me, I'll be in my room.

Marge: Ooh, Lisa! Is that too spicy for you?
Lisa: I can see through time!
Homer: Stop being such a baby. You can't be afraid to try new things. For instance, tonight I'm using a... Apu, what do you call this thing again?
Apu: A napkin.
Homer: Outrageous!

Homer: Apu, if it makes you feel any better, I've learned that life is just one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.

Lisa: "A hush falls over the General Assembly as Stacy approaches the podium to deliver what will no doubt be a stirring and memorable address."
Malibu Stacy: I wish they taught shopping in school. {Lisa tries again} Let's make some cookies for the boys.
Lisa: Come on, Stacy. I've waited my whole life to hear you speak. Don't you have anything relevant to say?
Malibu Stacy: Don't ask me. I'm just a girl.

Marge: Lisa, ordinarily I'd say you should stand up for what you believe, but you've been doing that an awful lot lately.
Bart: Yeah. You made us march in that gay rights parade.
Homer: And we can't watch FOX because they own those chemical weapon plants in Syria.

Voiceover: Malibu Stacy. America's favorite eight-and-a-half inches.

Lisa: It's awful being a kid. No one listens to you.
Grampa: It's rotten being old. No one listens to you.
Homer: I'm a white male. Age eighteen to forty-nine. Everyone listens to me! No matter how dumb my suggestions are.

Lisa: Excuse me. Ms. Lovell? I'd like to talk to you about Malibu Stacy.
Stacy Lovell (Kathleen Turner): Do you have any idea how many kids have tried to track me down?
Lisa: Am I the first?
Stacy Lovell: ... Yes.

Ms. Lovell: What do you expect me to do?
Lisa: Change what she says. It's your company.
Ms. Lovell: Not since I was forced out in 1974. They said my way of thinking just wasn't cost-effective.
Lisa: That's awful!
Ms. Lovell: Well that and I was funneling profits to the Viet Cong.

Ms. Lovell: You all have hideous hair! {everyone gasps} I mean form a design perspective.

Lisa: You know, if we get through to just that one little girl it'll all be worth it.
Ms. Lovell: Yes. Particularly if that girl happens to pay sixty-four thousand dollars for that one doll.
Lisa: What?
Ms. Lovell: Oh nothing.

Reporter: Toby Hunter, Minneapolis Star. No really, is this a joke?
Scientist: No, Toby, and no more questions about whether this is a joke.

Marge: You know Homer, when I found out about this I went through a wide range of emotions. First I was nervous, then anxious, then wary, then apprehensive, then kinda sleepy, then worried, and then concerned. But now I realize that being a spaceman is something you have to do.
Homer: Who's doing what now?

Organ transplants are best left to the professionals

Homer: Homer, it looks like it could gore.
Marge: Heh heh. It does look like Al Gore.

Marge: I really think this is a bad idea.
Homer: Marge, I agree with you. In theory. In theory, communism works. In theory.

Homer: Now I've had my head in an elephant, a hippo and a giant sloth.

Mrs. Lovejoy: That animal of yours is certainly bad-tempered.
Lisa: Yeah, well you'd be grumpy too if you were taken out of your natural habitat and gawked at by a bunch of slack-jawed yokels.
Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel: Hey Ma! Look at that pointy-hairded little girl!

Lisa: Mr. Blackheart?
Mr. Blackheart: Yes, my pretty?
Lisa: Are you an ivory dealer?
Mr. Blackheart: Little girl, I've had lots of jobs in my day. Whale hunter, seal clubber, president of the FOX Network.

Homer: D'oh!
Lisa: A deer!
Marge: A female deer.

Lisa: Dad! You're sinking!
Marge: Get a rope, Bart.
Homer: Nah, that's okay. I'm pretty sure I can struggle my way out. First I'll just reach in and pull my legs out. {his arms and legs are now stuck} Now I'll pull my arms out with my face.

Mr. Burns: Careful Smithers, that sponge has corners you know!

Homer: You're our last hope, boy.
Bart: I really don't want to be here, Dad! Besides, I started a fire this morning that I really should keep an eye on.

Marge: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Homer: Yeah. Let's push him down the steps.

Mr. Burns: I suggest you get off my lawn.
Homer: Or what? You'll release the dogs. Or the bees. Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark they shoot bees at you? Well go ahead! Do your worst.

Lionel Hutz: I've argued in front of every judge in this state. Often as a lawyer!

Marge: You know, we should really stop hiring him.

I will not celebrate meaningless milestones

Marge: How would you like it if twenty years form now people were laughing at things you did?
Bart: Not likely.

Willie: There's nary an animal alive who can outrun a greased Scotsman.

Milhouse: This is great. Not only am I not learning, I'm forgetting stuff I used to know.

Bart: It's weird, Lis. I miss him as a friend but I miss him even more as an enemy.
Lisa: I think you need Skinner, Bart. Everybody needs a nemesis. Sherlock Holmes had his Dr. Moriarty. Mountain Dew has its Mello Yello. Even Maggie has that baby with the one eyebrow.

Principal Skinner: One question remains: how do I get out of the army?
Bart: No problemo. Just make a pass at your commanding officer.
Principal Skinner: Done and done. And I mean done.

Superindent Chalmers: God has no place within these walls, just like facts have no place within organized religion.

I will not re-transmit without the express permission of Major League Baseball

Marge: Homer, you didn't do a very good job frosting Maggie's birthday cake!
Homer: What? It's not Maggaggie's birthday?

Lisa: Doesn't this family know any songs that aren't commercials?

Troy McClure: Hello, I'm Troy McClure! You might remember me from such films as The Boatjacking of Supership '79 and Hydro: The Man with the Hydraulic Arms.

Marge: What about Abe Simpson? Don't you have any feelings for him?
Mother Simpson: Aw, he's a dear. But he's too much of an old fusspot.
Marge: We're all aware Grampa's problems, but compared to Mr. Burns, he's Judge freakin' Reinhold.
Mother Simpson: I don't know who that is.

Marge: If you feel so bad about yourself there's always things you can do to feel better.
Homer: Take another bath in malt liquor?
Marge: There's that.

Homer: Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain! Remember when I took that home wine-making course and forgot how to drive?
Marge: That's because you were drunk!
Homer: And how.

Homer: Look everyone! Now that I'm a teacher I've sewn patches on my elbows.
Marge: Homer that's supposed to be leather patches on a tweed jacket, not the other way around. You've ruined a perfectly good jacket.
Homer: Incorrect, Marge. Two perfectly good jackets!

Mrs. Krabappel: Marge dyes her hair?
Homer: Oh yeah. She's been as gray as a mule since she was seventeen.

Marge: Homer, I really don't like you telling personal secrets in your class.
Homer: Marge, I didn't tell them personal stuff.
Marge: Today at the Kwik-E-Mart everybody knew I dyed my hair.
Homer: Oh. You mean about you.