Grampa ignited by a flaming log: I'm still cold.
Marge: Would everyone please stop fighting and burning.

Kang: Pathetic humans! They're showing a Halloween episode. In November!
Kodos: Who's still thinking about Halloween? We've already got our Christmas decorations up.

Bart: Please don't take me! Take Milhouse. We all know there's no happy ending there.
Death: Your time is up.
Homer killing Death: This is for Snowball I and JFK!

Homer: Death! Death! We miss you so much. You were a busboy in the restaurant of life. Clearing away the oldies and the sickies and the chokies. And you made NASCAR racing exciting.

Homer: Jasper! Your time has come!
Jasper: Where's the regular guy? Where's Doug?
Homer: Never mind. I'm Death now.
Jasper: Oh... I liked Doug.

Caller: Sir, I'm honored to inform you that you've won the Nobel Prize.
Homer: The Nobel Prize? Finally! So it's for what? My whole deal?

Frink: We had to replace several vital organs with machinery. But that doesn't make you any less of a man. Except... you have no penis. In the, uh, traditional sense.
Father Frink: So what am I? Some kind of a tin can man from Planet Tomorrow?
Lisa: Sir, your son has brought you into the twenty-first century. It's a lot like the twentieth except everybody's afraid and the stock market's much lower.

Father Frink: Hey, 700 Club, you look like a healthy specimen.
Flanders: Well I did finish first in the walk for the cure. Of homosexuality!

Jennifer Garner: You know Doctor Hershbach, our jobs are actually not that different.
Doctor Hershbach: I disagree.

Father Frink: Every brain unlocks more secrets of the Universe! Muffins are surprisingly high in calories. The pyramids were actually built by Sears.
Lisa: He's right! It all checks out.

Bart: Do you realize what this means?
Milhouse: Yeah... But... you say it first.

Lisa: Why can't I tinker with the fabric of existence?
Homer: Let the baby have her bottle.

Marge: I really shouldn't be here. I have a problem with games of chance. I played Candyland with Maggie and ended up throwing vodka in her face.

Marge: Honey, you could be popular. You've just got to be yourself. In a whole new way.

Lisa: It's like you're Harry Potter without the magic and wonder.

Principal Skinner: Lisa, student government is meaningless. Look at your constitution. It's written on the back of a place mat.
Superintendent Chalmers: And not a good place mat. It's from someplace called Doodles.

Mrs. Skinner: Seymour! Quit using me in analogies.
Skinner: Yes Mother.

Lisa: Principal Skinner, I will not call off this strike until you bring back music and art.
Skinner: What about gym?
Lisa: Meh.

Striking Zombie: Zombie eat brains. But zombie cannot swallow this injustice.

Otto: Man. I guess this story had a happy ending after all. Just like my last massage.

Homer: That's it! I'm acting the way America acts best. Unilaterally!

Marge: I guess it's just to much for me to ask for one vacation where we don't go to jail or to a condo sales pitch.

Marge: That was very sweet of the Queen, letting you go in exchange for taking Madonna back to America.

I do not have a cereal named after me

Homer: That's it kids, suckle Daddy's sugar ball.

Todd Flanders: I was saving sugar for my wedding night!

Homer: Check it out, ladies. The suit that makes me completely invulnerable to bear attacks.
Marge: Homer, there's no rear on that thing.
Homer: I know. If I get scared I don't wanna ruin the suit.

Homer: What kind of example would I be if I didn't take revenge on things?
Lisa: Dad, you can't take revenge on animals. That's the whole point of Moby Dick.
Homer: Lisa, the point of Moby Dick is, "Be yourself."

Krusty: Do you know how much I donate to the B'nai Brith?
Jewish Walk of Fame Guy: Actually, I do.
Krusty: Goodbye.

Lisa: Krusty, what's wrong?
Krusty: I just found out I'm not Jewish. I was turned down by all those country clubs for nothing.
Bart: Well you're still my hero.
Krusty: So what. Everything's changed. I thought I was a self-hating Jew. But it turns out I'm just a plain old anti-semite.

Krusty: Are you sure that's "kosher"?
Lisa: There's nothing in the Talmud that forbids it.
Bart: How do you know all this stuff?
Lisa: I have a Jewish imaginary friend. Her name is Rachel Cohen. And she just got into Brandeis.
Rabbi Krustofski (Jackie Mason): Wonderful!

Krusty: Please! You people are known for taking chances on crap.

Bart: Dad. You blew it. You listened to Lisa and then you lost your stranglehold on the audience.
Homer: I'll audience you!

Homer: I love the holiday season. See ya in spring, toes!

Krusty: Now in the spirit of the season, start shopping! And for every dollar of Krusty merchandise you buy, I will be nice to a sick kid. For legal purposes, sick kids may include hookers with a cold.

Lisa: This is offensive to Christians and prunes.

Talking Astrolabe: I will be testing my smoke alarm for the next three hours.

Homer: Can't you yell at me now and get it over with?
Marge: No! I'm going to parcel my anger out over the next few days and weeks, jabbing at you just when you seem the most content.

Homer: Unloved by Al? No! Death points to the grave. Unloved by all? No!

Homer: TV and Nightmares have joined forces to teach me a lesson. From now on I will stop being selfish and start being good. In fact, I'll be the nicest man in town.
Marge: You've made that promise before.
Homer: Yeah, but this time I'm sober. -Ish.

Todd: Daddy, are you jealous of Brother Homer?
Ned: Eh. Maybe just a tad, Todd.
Rod: I'm jealous of girls because they get to wear dresses.
Ned: One problem at a time, boy.

Nelson to Ned: Haha! Your position has been usurped! Usurped! You heard me.

Ned: Homer just burns my waffles. Pain is the cleanser! Pain is the cleanser!

Homer: You're a hero, Homer J. You're as crafty as a skunk. They'll thank you in the morning for stealing Flanders' junk. Homer J. You're a double-bacon genius burger! And just a little drunk!

Mayor Quimby: Stop that! You can't pray on city property.
Homer: Let's just say that on this day a million years ago, a dude was born who most of us think was magic. But others don't, and that's cool. But we're probably right. Amen.

Bart: Please. Make me write something on the chalkboard a thousand times.
Mrs. Krabappel: We all got tired of that chalkboard years ago.

Mayor Quimby: That riot has far reaching consequences. Kabul refuses to be our sister city.

Lindsay Naegle: Good evening. I'm Lindsay Naegle. And I'm the founder of SSCCATAGAPP. Singles, Seniors, Childless Couples and Teens and Gays Against Parasitic Parents.

Lindsay Naegle: Save your breathe for blowing up water wings, breeder.

Lindsay Naegle: I dream of an America with nudity and F-words on network TV. Where the whole world doesn't stop because a school bus did. Children are the future. Today belongs to me!

Marge: You're my rock, Homey.
Homer: And I promise this rock is going to weigh you down for the rest of your life.

Homer: For more information, visit our website, www.aljazeera.com. We're not affiliated, we're just piggybacking on their message board.

Wiggum: Well let me ask you this: shut up.

Lisa walking past cats in the pound: Too fluffy... too Siamese... too needy... too arrogant... eye infection... stops. Clearly a skunk.

Lisa: To save money on a new dish, we'll call you Snowball II and just pretend this whole thing never happened.
Skinner walking past: That's really a cheat, isn't it?
Lisa: I guess you're right. Principal Tanzarian.
Skinner: Well, I'll be moving along then. Lisa... Snowball II.

Marge: Long-time reader, first time stander-upper!

Ned: And I guess I'm just a caveman. If they existed. Which they didn't.

Homer as he crashes through the power plant and hits someone: Aw! That was the grief counselor!

Lisa's Libido: Let's make out with boys! Binge and purge! Rock and roll!

Homer singing: Here in my car/I'm hosing off blood/Some of it's mine/ but most of it's not.

Lisa: If Dad ever reads that book he's gonna be so humiliated!
Bart: He'll never read it.
Lisa: What if they make it into a movie?
Bart: He'll never see it.
Lisa: What if they parody it on "MadTV"?
Bart: We're doomed!

Apu: This is how you talk when you learn English from pornos.

Lisa: I have to research a paper. Where did all the books go?
Librarian: Books? Books are for squares. We're now a multimedia learning center for children of all ages. But mostly bums.

Sir Thomas More: Your Majesty, I work for the Pope. And I think a celibate Italian weirdo knows a lot more about marriage than you.
King Henry VIII: Hm. I understand. And because you've stuck to your principals I'm going to cannonize you.

Chief: Long have we awaited the coming of the white man... and Carl.

Chief: I offer you the guidance of my daughter, Sacagawea. In our language, her name means "know-it-all who never shuts her maize hole."

Marge: History's like an amusement park. Except instead of rides you have dates to memorize.

Marge: How did you get her out?
Lisa: I tried the coat hanger again. I don't understand why we can only try ideas once.

Mrs. Krabappel: Milhouse? What happened to my little class coward?
Milhouse: What do you care, Mrs. Krabappel. Or should I say, Mrs. Crab Apple!
Kearney: Crab Apple? I never thought of that.

Ralph Wiggum: Hi Bart! My nose makes its own bubblegum.

Ralph Wiggum: Eighteen, nineteen, twenty... I found you!
Bart: Ralph, we're playing checkers.
Ralph Wiggum: I don't like you, Boy Mommy.

Homer: Coke and Pepsi are the same thing! Wake up people!

Marge: Hostess Twinkies?
Homer: I heard if you age them for ten years, they turn to liquor.

Lisa: There's spiders in your hair!
Bart: That's what you call commitment to a bit.

Lisa reading: The mound builders worshiped turtles as well as badgers, snakes and other animals.
Bart: Thank god we've come to our senses and worship a carpenter that died 2,000 years ago.

Homer: Boy are you in trouble.
Bart: What are you talking about?
Homer: When a woman says nothing's wrong, that means everything's wrong. And when a woman says everything's wrong, that means everything's wrong. And when a woman says something's not funny, you'd better not laugh your ass off.

I will not speculate on how teacher used to be

Homer: That's it! It's one thing for a ghost to terrorize my children. But quite another for him to play my theremin!

Artie Ziff (Jon Lovitz): I had nowhere to go. So I came here because Marge is the closest thing I've ever had to true love.
Marge: We had one date! And you were not a gentleman.

Marge: My husband's going to jail and it's all your fault. Do you know why no one likes you?
Artie Ziff: Anti-semitism?

Marge: Artie, thank you for doing the right thing. Eventually.

Costington's Saleswoman: This is our Little Hooker Line. All the girls your age are wearing it except the freakishly unpopular.
Lisa: But I'm eight years old!
Costington's Saleswoman: So is your look.

Yes Guy: Sir! Other customers need to use that dressing room.
Homer: Dressing room? Uh oh.

Skinner: Silent anger. The cornerstone of a successful marriage.

Bart: This prank is my Sgt. Pepper's.

Sideshow Mel: I see neither blushing bride nor ardent swain!

Bart: Ah cartoons. America's only native art form. I don't count jazz 'cause it sucks.

Warden: So. Why do you want to be a guard here?
Homer: I believe that children are our future. Unless we stop them now.

Marge: Shame on you two creeps!
Bart: It's your fault for giving birth to my archenemy.
Lisa: At least I was planned!
Marge: Stop it! No one was planned.

Homer: Son, seeing sappy movies with a lady has certain payoffs.
Bart: Like what? They'll do something with you that they hate?
Homer: Exactly.

Lisa: This movie is drivel. She's wooden and unpleasant, and no matter what he does he's still Ryan O'Neal.

Marge: Bart, stop fooling with the remote!
Bart: Lisa made me with a witches spell.
Lisa: It's called Wicca and it's empowering.
Bart: Wicca's a Hollywood fad.
Lisa: That's Kaballah, jerk!

Homer: As the Bible says, "Screw that!"

Homer singing: Come on everybody, have some sexual congress! Not the kind of congress that contains Paul Tsongas!

Billboard: Welcome to Atlantic City. Where New York City comes to smoke.

Marge about Bart: That boy failed show-and-tell but he's on our ass like Sherlock Holmes.

Homer: All I wanted was a second honeymoon. And now the floor is made of lava.

US Coast Guard: Beat it, you puck-slapping maple suckers.
Canadian Coast Guard: Take a hike, you Shatner-stealing Mexico touchers!

Announcer: Welcome back to Promiscuous Idiots Island. On FOX. The home of promiscuous idiots.

Bart: What do those women expect? When you sign a contract with FOX you know you're going to be betrayed and humiliated.

Homer: The only thing that can make bacon more delicious is seeing how it's made.

Apu: Okay. Farmer Billy's smoke-cured bacon... Farmer Billy's bacon-fed bacon... Farmer Billy's travel bacon. Mr. Simpson, if you really want to kill yourself I also sell handguns.

Rich Texan: This table's about as solid as your underlying concept.

Nichelle Nichols: Listen, I said it to Shatner and I'm saying it to you. There is no way I'm going to be dating a man with pie on his face.

Marge: I'm looking up your nose, but I feel like I'm staring into your soul.

Homer: I bet this is all a big surprise, huh? Mild-mannered Homer Simpson.
Lisa: You're not mild-mannered. You're often liquored-up and rude.
Homer: Honorable men can differ.

Bart: Uh oh. Girls. You guys need your cooties shots. {he punches them in the arm}
Milhouse: Well I hate this job, but I love the health plan.

Milhouse: I hope you like the taste of ringworm medicine!

Homer: My beer! You never had a chance to become my urine.

Homer: Hm. I guess it's row versus wade. And it's my right to choose.

Etiquette Instructor: Well done. I'd be proud if you grew up to be my husband's mistress.
Marge: Thank you.

Homer: Hey, have you two longshoremen seen a pretty girl?

Homer: Marge, I'm really sorry I hurt you. But I've done way worse stuff since then. There was the gun I hid from you, the time I sued the church, ruining Lisa's wedding in the future. Remember that?

Bart: This is it. They're selling us for crash test dummies.
Lisa: Oh please let it be Volvo.

Lisa: This is ridiculous. Only babies and ex-junkies are afraid of needles. Stick me, Chuckles.

Drederick Tatum: Black-on-black violence must end. {he spins around and punches him again} That was for Dr. King.

Willie: [...] I taught myself to read lips.
Postman: Morning, Willie!
Willie: What did you say about my mother? For your information, her feet stink because she works in manure all day. But it's still the best damn Starbucks in Glasgow!

Rich Texan: How dare he! That's the flag my grandpappy rebelled against.

Editor: I want you to overhype this story so much it makes the New York Post look like the New York Times. Or the New York Times look like the New York Post. I forget which one the good one is.

Mayor Quimby: This could destroy our town. Looks what happened to Hitler City, North Carolina. If they hadn't changed their name to Charlotte they'd be sunk.

Lisa: Swim towards San Francisco!
Homer: I'm not made of money. We'll swim to Oakland.

Sailor: Come to France! And we shall mock the country that saved us twice from the Germans!

Lisa: What kind of journalism experience do you have?
Nelson: I dunno. Beating up nerds.
Lisa: Great. You're our TV critic.

Burns: Maybe you should just go!
Lisa: I can't! My mom's not picking me up for an hour.
pause
Burns: So... what do you think of today's popular music scene?
Lisa: I think it distracts people from the more important social issues of today.
Burns: My god, are you always on?