Marge: You went into the attic? I'm very disappointed and terrified.

Dr. Hibbert: You don't forget a thing like Siamese twins!
Lisa: I believe they prefer to be called "conjoined twins."
Dr. Hibbert: And hillbillies prefer "sons of the soil." But it ain't gonna happen.

Lisa: My god, I've created life!
Marge: Lisa! Breakfast. We're having waffles.
Lisa: Oo! Waffles!

Lisa: Wait. One of them is nailing something to the door of the cathedral. I've created Lutherans!

Homer: Oh my god, space aliens. Don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Kodos: Take us to your leader!
Homer: Well I guess you mean President Clinton. He usually hangs around Washington D.C.
Kodos: President Clin-ton?
Homer: Except. Um. There's this election next week so after that it might not be him anymore. It might be whats-his-name. Mumbly Joe. I saw him on TV the other... Bob Dole!

Kang: The politics of failure have failed. We need to make them work again. Tomorrow when you are sealed in the voting cubicle, vote for me. Senator Kan— Bob Dole.

Hank Scorpio: You will notice, my new best friend, that we are pretty casual around here.
Homer: Yes sir. I will notice that. Very casual, Mr Scorpion.
Hank Scorpio: Don't call me Mr. Scorpion. It's Mr. Scorpio, but don't call me that either. Call me Hank!

Teacher: So, you never learned cursive?
Bart: Well I know hell and damn and bi—
Teacher: Cursive handwriting. Script. Do you know multiplication tables? Long division?
Bart: I know of them.

Hank Scorpio: By the way, Homer, what's your least favorite country? Italy or France?
Homer: France.
Hank adjusts a giant laser
Hank Scorpio: Heh heh. Nobody ever says Italy.

Hank Scorpio: Homer, on your way out if you want to kill somebody it would help me a lot.

Mr. Burns: There, under the smiling eyes of four stuffed Eskimos, we expressed our love physically. As was the style at the time.

Mr. Burns: How were his test scores?
Yale Admissions: Let's just say this. He spelled "Yale" with a six.

Larry Burns (Rodney Dangerfield): I tell you, I don't get no regard. No regard at all. No esteem either.

Marge: You know how I feel about hoaxes.
Homer: Still?!

Homer: Geez. Look at this place. We gotta do something.
Bart: Hm. Garbage angels?

Mr. Burns: I don't like being outdoors, Smithers. For one thing there are too many fat children.

Bart seeing the burlesque house: Lady. I gotta tell ya. I have been grossly misinformed about witches.

Bart: Are you having a party or something?
Belle: Non-stop. We're a burlesque house.

Belle: When you work the door, the main things are to greet the visitors and toss out the troublemakers.
Bart: Ah! The old Greet 'n' Toss. No problemo.

Bart: If there's a bad bookkeeping joke, I haven't heard it.

TV: It's eleven o'clock. Do you now where your children are?
Homer: I told you last night, No! Where is Bart anyway? His dinner's getting all cold and eaten.

Belle: Listen, darlin'. We're such as much a part of Springfield as the church, the library or the crazy house. So I think I'll stay right here. Neighbor.
Marge: Is that so? Well, sleazy entertainment and raunchy jokes will never be as popular as sobriety and self-denial.

Skinner: Ah, there's no justice like angry mob justice.

Rev. Lovejoy: Thanks a lot, Marge. That was our only burlesque house.

Marge: I'm going into the dining room to have a conversation. Anyone who wants to join me is welcome. {leaves room) Hello Marge, how's the family? I don't want to talk about it. Mind your own business!
Homer: Keep it down in there everybody!

Marge: It's just not a dinner party without a melon baller.

Marge: Did anyone see that new Woodsy Allen movie?
Ned: You know I like his films except for that nervous fellah who's always in 'em.

Luann: From now on, forget everything you thought you knew about Luann Van Houten.
Marge: Actually, Luann, I don't really know anything about you.

Homer: I'd like to file for... {dramatic pause} Divorce.
Lady: These things happen. Eight dollars.

Homer: This is Homer Simpson, aka Happy Dude. The court is making me call everybody back and apologize for my telemarketing scam. I'm sorry. If you can find it in your heart to forgive me, send one dollar to Sorry Dude, 742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield. You have the power.

Kearney: Aw, man! You just kissed a girl!
Jimbo Jones: That is so gay!

Lisa: Dad, wake up. I think a hurricane is coming!
Homer: Oh Lisa, there's no record of a hurricane ever hitting Springfield.
Lisa: Yes, but the records only go back to 1978 when the hall of records was mysteriously blown away.

Homer: What is it, boy? Fire? Earthquake? Hippies?

Maude Flanders: Oh Neddy, it was terrifying. I thought I was headed for the eternal bliss of paradise.

Ned Flanders: Reverend, I need to know. Is God punishing me?
Reverend Lovejoy: Oo. Short answer, Yes with an if. Long answer, No with a but.

Ned: Why me, Lord? Where have I gone wrong? I've always been nice to people. I don't drink or dance or swear. I've even kept kosher just to be on the safe side. I've done everything the Bible says, even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff. What more can I do?

Ned: Looks like a loose nail.
Homer: Hey, one out of twenty-five ain't bad.

Rod Flanders: I don't like this clown.
Bart: I wouldn't take that down if I were you. It's a load-bearing poster.

Lisa: Mr. Flanders, with all due respect, Bart didn't do anything.
Ned: Do I hear the sound of butting in?! It's gotta be little Lisa Simpson. Springfield's answer to a question no one asked!

Ned's Mother: You've gotta help us, Doc. We've tried nothing and we're all out of ideas.

Dr. Foster: You folks are free to roam the grounds. Just remember, one of our patients is a cannibal. Try to guess which one. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.

Ned: If any of you does something I don't like, you are gonna hear about it!
Dr. Foster: Yes, that's very healthy, Ned.
Ned: And if you really tick me off, I'm gonna run you down with my car.

Homer: Note to self: Stop. Doing. Anything.

Homer: I hope I didn't brain my damage.

Homer: In your face, space coyote!

Mulder: Mr. Simpson, we want you to recreate your every move the night you saw the alien.
Homer: The evening began at the gentleman's club, where we were discussing Wittgenstein over a game of backgammon.
Scully: Mr. Simpson, it's a felony to lie to the FBI.
Homer: We were sitting in Barney's car eating packets of mustard. Happy?

Scully: Homer, we're going to ask you a few simple yes or no questions. Do you understand?
Homer: Yes. lie detector blows up.

Bart: Leonard Nimoy? What are you doing here?
Leonard Nimoy: Wherever there is mystery and the unexplained, cosmic forces shall draw me near.
Bart: Uh huh.
Hot Dog Vendor: Hey Spock, what do you want on your hot dog?
Leonard Nimoy: Surprise me.

I am not licensed to do anything

Marge: I guess I'm just not comfortable in the whole idea of "investing".

Edna Lovejoy: Hm. "Pita". Well I don't know about food from the Middle East. Isn't that whole area a little iffy?
Fleet-a-Pita: Hey, I'm no geographer! You and I, why don't we call it "pocket bread".
Maude Flanders: Uh. What's "tahini"?
Fleet-a-Pita: Flavor sauce!
Edna Krabappel: And "falafel"?
Fleet-a-Pita: Crunch patties.

Frank Ormand (Jack Lemmon): Hello, I'm Frank Ormand. And if you're watching me, that means you've got pretzel fever. And not the kind that attacked my intestinal lining some years back.

Marge: Listen to your mother, kids. Aim low. Aim so low no one will even care if you succeed. Dinner's in the oven. If you want some butter it's under my face.

Fat Tony: Greetings, Homer.
Homer: Hey! Fat Tony! You still with the Mafia?

Homer: You mean the mob only did me a favor to get something in return? Oh, Fat Tony. I will say Good day to you sir!

Lisa: What's going on outside?
Marge: Oh it's just a mob war. Go back to sleep.

Announcer: It's the Krusty Komedy Klassic!
Krusty: Hey, hey! It's great to be back at the Apollo Theater, and— {turns around, notices sign} K-K-K? That's not good.

Shary Bobbins: As your nanny, I'll do everything from telling stories to changing diapers.
Grampa: Put me down for one of each!

Skinner: Boy for sale! Boy for sale!
Jimbo: Is this legal, man?
Skinner: Only here and in Mississippi.

Network Executive: We at the network want a dog with attitude. He's edgy. You've heard the expression "Let's get busy"? Well, this is a dog who gets biz-ay; consistently and thoroughly.
Krusty: So he's proactive?
Executive: Oh, God yes! We're talking about a totally outrageous paradigm.
Writer: Excuse me, but "proactive" and "paradigm"? Aren't those just buzzwords that dumb people use to sound important? Not that I'm accusing you of anything like that.... I'm fired aren't I?

Homer: Cram it with walnuts, ugly!

Homer: Is this episode going on the air live?
June Velany: No Homer, very few cartoons are broadcast live. It's a terrible strain on the animator's wrist.

Comic Book Guy: Last night's Itchy and Scratchy was, without a doubt, the worst episode ever. Rest assured, I was on the internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world.

Bart: No refunds! Force majeure! Read the back of your ticket!

Homer drops large jar of coins into the earth: Aw, nuts. Hello? China? Little help?

Marge: I have something that I'd like to sell.
John (John Waters): Please tell me it's your hair.
Marge: No. It's an heirloom my grandmother passed down to me. A very rare old figurine from the Civil War.
Lisa: Please don't construe our ownership of this as an endorsement of slavery.
John: Hm. Well see here's the thing on this. It's a Johnny Reb bottle, early 1970s. One of the J&R Whiskey Liquor Lads. Two books of green stamps if I'm not mistaken.
Marge: Oh no. Oh no. No no no no. It's a very very old figurine.
John: No, it's a liquor bottle. See? Ah! That'll make your bull run.
Marge: Well. I guess it'll always be a monument to Grandma's secret drinking problem.

Homer: Fifty bucks for a toy? No kid is worth that.
John: Ah, but this is the Rex Mars' Atomic Discombobulator. Don't you just love the graphics on this box?
Homer: No. how can you love a box or a toy or graphics? You're a grown man!
John (John Waters): It's camp! The tragically ludicrous? The ludicrously tragic?
Homer: Oh yeah. Like when a clown dies.

Homer: That John is the greatest guy in the world. We've gotta have him and his wife over for drinks sometime.
Marge: Mmm, I don't think he's married, Homer.
Homer: Oh, a swinging bachelor, eh? Well, there's lots of foxy ladies out there.
Marge: Homer, didn't John seem a little... festive to you?
Homer: Couldn't agree more. Happy as a clam!
Marge: He prefers the company of men!
Homer: Who doesn't!
Marge: Homer, listen carefully. John is a ho... mo...
Homer: Right.
Marge: ...sexual.
Homer: Augh!

Homer: He didn't give you gay did he? Did he?
Marge: Oh geez Louise. You don't even know what you're worried about anymore.

John: And Helen Lovejoy. Sure she looks blonde, but I've heard cuffs and collar don't match if you get my drift.
Marge: I don't, but I loved hearing it.

Homer: They turned the Navy into a floating joke. They ruined all our best names like Bruce and Lance and Julian. Those were the toughest names we had! Now they're just...
John: Queer?
Homer: Yeah, and that's another thing! I resent you people using that word. That's our word for making fun of you! We need it!

Bart: Dad, why'd you bring me to a gay steel mill?
Homer: I don't know! This is a nightmare! You're all sick!
Worker: Oh be nice!

Homer: It's a miracle!
John: No, ultrasuede is a miracle. This is just good timing.

Marge: You feel softer than before.
Homer: I've been tenderized.

Homer: I don't want you calling him a sissy. This guy's a fruit, and a— . No, wait. Queer. Queer! Queer. That's what you liked to be called, right?
John: Well that, or John.
Lisa: This is about as tolerant as Dad gets, so you should be flattered.

Cecil: And now to kill you. There may be a slight ringing in your ears. Fortunately, you'll be nowhere near them.

Janey: I can't get enough of the Babysitter Twins. They arrested the counterfeiters, rescued the President and made four dollars!

Reverend Lovejoy: Friday you will have the chance to party down in the church basement to the decent rock stylings of Testament.
Bart: Phpt! All the best bands are affiliated with Satan.

Lisa: Enjoy Bob Saget!
Chief Wiggum: It's Bob Seger. {checks tickets} Aw crap.

Chauffeur: I'm here to pick up the ambassador from Ghana.
Lisa: Well he's not here. Nobody's here! And none of you should be here. You've all been tricked!
Chauffeur: Why would the Ambassador do such a thing?

Lisa: Ew! Your arm! It's got extra corners!

Moe: Listen up, this is the busiest drinking day of the year. Where are the designated drivers? Beat it! I got no room for cheapskates.

Brockman: Kent O'Brockman, live on Main Street, where today everyone is a little bit Irish. Except of course for the gays and the Italians.

Homer: Prohibition. Phpht! They tried that in the movies and it didn't work.

Mrs. Lovejoy: Won't somebody please think of the children!

Chief Wiggum: Ladies, please. All our funding fathers, astronauts and World Series heroes have been either drunk or on cocaine.

Duff Spokesman: We're not worried. Our customers buy Duff for its robust taste, not its alcoholic content. I predict our alcohol-free Duff Zero will sell even better than its previous brand.

Homer: Glad you're finally back in business, Moe.
Moe: Yeah. That was a scary couple of hours.

Mayor Quimby: Who are you to demand anything? I run this town. You're just a bunch of low-income nobodies.
Aide aside: Election in November. Election in November.
Mayor Quimby: What?! Again! This stupid country.

Rex Banner: Are you the Beer Baron?
Ned: Well, if you're talking about root beer, I plead guilt-diddily-itly as char-diddly-arged!
Rex Banner: He's not the Baron, but he sounds drunk. Take him in!

Homer: To alcohol! The cause of—and solution to—all of life's problems.

Principal Skinner: ...and finally, the bake sale to raise money for the car wash has been cancelled due to confusion.

Skinner: Mind if I sit down?
Krabappel: It's a free country.
Skinner: I don't follow you.
Krabappel: Just sit down.

Skinner: Is this how you imagined your life, Edna?
Krabappel: Well yes. But then I was a very depressed child.
Skinner toasting: To poor decisions.
Krabappel: Here here.

Ralph: Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and the baby looked at me.

Chalmers: You have got to end this thing, Seymour.
Skinner: We're not coming down until our jobs are reinstated and you acknowledge and celebrate our love.
Chalmers: No one would like to celebrate your love more than I. But I am a public servant and not permitted to use my own judgment in any way.
Krabappel: Then let us take our case directly to the townspeople.
Chalmers: Oh yeah, that'll be real productive. Who do you want to talk to first? The guy in the bumblebee suit or the one with the bone through his hair?

Maude: I don't think we're talking about love here. We're talking about S-E-X. In front of the C-H-I-L-D-R-E-N!
Krusty: Sex Cauldron? I thought they closed that place down.

Skinner: We can't continue on like this. Trying to build a private relationship in public, the whole town watching our every move with a fine tooth comb.
Krabappel: I'm used to public humiliation but not in front of a crowd that size.

Skinner: That's why I love elementary school, Edna. The children believe anything you tell them.

Homer: I'd love to go with you, honey, but I've got a lot of work to do around the bed.

Moe: I was calling for Reverend Lovejoy. Who's this?
Marge: Ah, well... this is the Listen Lady.
Moe: Yeah? Well listen, lady.

Homer: Akira, can you read this for me?
Akira: Ah, yes. This is a product called Mr. Sparkle. Very popular dish detergent. Hey, he looks like you!
Lisa: What's he saying?
Akira: He identifies himself as a magnet for foodstuffs. He boasts that he will banish dirt to the land of wind and ghosts.
Lisa: Wow!
Akira: Yes, you have very lucky dishes, Mr. Simpson.

Mr. Sparkle Plant Worker: Mushi mushi!
Homer: Yes. This is Homer Simpson from America. Who may I say is speaking to me?
Worker: Hello chief, let's talk. Why not?
Homer: Um, hello? Why am I Mr. Sparkle?
Worker: You like Mr. Sparkle?
Homer: Well, I am Mr. Sparkle.
Worker: You have many questions, Mr. Sparkle. I send you premium. Answer question 100%!
Homer: Oooh!

Lisa: Hey, it was all a coincidence.
Bart: Yep. There's your answer, Fish Bulb.
Homer: Well it was a good ride while it lasted. Come on kids, let's go home.
Bart: We are home.
Homer: That was fast.

I did not learn everything I need to know in kindergarten

Kent Brockman: ...which if true, means death for us all.

Frank Grimes: If you lived in any other country in the world you would have starved to death long ago.
Bart: He's got you there, Dad.

Troy McClure: "Spin-off". Is there any word more thrilling to the human soul?

Chief Wiggum, P.I.

Lisa: Chief Wiggum, I can't wait to hear about all the exciting, sexy adventures you're sure to have against this colorful backdrop.

Skinner: He's gradually getting away, Chief.
Chief Wiggum: Ah, let him go. I have a feeling we'll meet again, each and every week.

The Love-matic Grampa

Grampa: That's the second time he's pulled the plug on me.

Moe: You are absolutely positively the dumbest haunted love tester that I have ever met.

The Simpson Family Smile-Time Variety Hour

Kent Brockman: And now, a family that doesn't know the meaning of the word "cancelled": The Simpsons!