Bart: KWYJIBO. K-W-Y-J-I-B-O. Twenty-two points. Plus triple word score. Plus fifty points for using all my letters. Game's over, I'm outta here.
Homer: Wait a minute, you little cheater! You're not going anywhere until you tell me what a kwyjibo is.
Bart: Kwyjibo. Ah... a big dumb balding North American ape. With no chin.
Marge: And a short temper.
Homer: I'll show you a big dumb balding ape!
Bart: Uh oh, kwyjibo on the loose!

Marge: Bart, this is a big day for you. Why don't you eat something a little more nutritious.
Homer: Nonsense, Marge. Frosty Krusty Flakes are what got him where he is today. It could be one of these chemicals here that makes him so smart.

Homer: Come on, Bart. Your mother's only trying to help. So go ahead and enjoy the show.
Marge: Homer, you're going too.
Homer: But I'm not a genius. Why should I suffer?

Marge: I don't want to alarm anybody, but I think there's a little al-key-hol in this punch.

Homer: I'm sorry, Marge, but sometimes I think we're the worst family in town.
Marge: Maybe we should move to a larger community.

Roger Meyers writing Marge a letter: ...In regards to your specific comments about the show, our research indicates that one person cannot make a difference no matter how big a screwball she is. So let me close by saying...
Marge reading: "...and the horse I rode in on."?! I'll show them what one screwball can do!

Kent Brockman: Are cartoons too violent for children? Most people would say, "No, of course not. What kind of
stupid question is that." But one woman says, "Yes." And she's here with us tonight. This is Marge Simpson.

Mrs. Lovejoy: Get dressed, Marge. You've got to lead our protest against this abomination.
Marge: But that's Michelangelo's David. It's a masterpiece.
Mrs. Lovejoy: It's filth! It graphically portrays parts of the human body which, practical as they may be, are evil.
Marge: But I like that statue.
Maude Flanders: I told you she was soft on full frontal nudity.

Marge: I guess one person can make a difference. But most of the time, they probably shouldn't.

Marge: Oh Bart, we thought for a minute you'd gone away from us.
Bart: I did go away, Mom! I was miles and miles and miles away! Writhing in agony in the pits of Hell! And you were there, and you and you and you... {seeing Lionel Hutz} You I've never seen before.

Court Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?
Marge: Yes I do.
Lionel Hutz: She sounded like she was taking that awful seriously.

Dr. Hibbert: If you want him to live through the night, I suggest you roll him onto his stomach.
Marge: Thank you, I will, Dr. Hibbert. Thanks for coming.
Dr. Hibbert: Remember, I said "if".

Marge: Homer, I like to think that I'm a patient, tolerant woman and that there was no line that you could cross that would make me stop loving you. But last night you didn't just cross that line, you threw up on it!

Marge about the trust fall: Do I have to do this?
Rev. Lovejoy: No. Even if your husband were here I wouldn't recommend it.

Marge: How are you enjoying your ham, Homey?
Homer: It's so bitter it's like acid in my mouth.
Marge: Mm. It's actually more of a honey glaze.
Lisa: Maybe you ate a clove!

Marge: Homer, has the weight loss tape reduced your appetite?
Homer: Ah, lamentably no! My gastronomic rapacity knows no satiety.

Marge: I don't know if that tape is working. You ate three desserts tonight.
Homer: Forbearance is the watchword. That triumvirate of Twinkies merely overwhelmed my resolve.
Marge: Another thing I've been wanting to talk to you about...

Marge: Homer, are you actually giving up your faith?
Homer: No! No no no no! Well, yes.

Lisa: I'm hideous.
Marge: Lisa, I know a song that will cheer you up. (singing) There once was an ugly duckling—
Lisa: So you think I'm ugly?
Marge: No! No, I meant you were one of the good looking ducks. That... makes fun of the ugly one. Mm.

Marge: I saved this newspaper from the day Lisa was born.
Lisa: "Mondale to Hart: Where's the beef?"
Bart: "Where's the beef?" What the hell's that supposed to mean?
Homer: Heh heh heh. "Where's the beef." No wonder he won Minnesota.

Marge: Homer! That's dishwashing liquid.
Homer: Yeah, but what are you gonna go?

Chief Wiggum on phone: Uh, Mrs. Simpson, I have some bad news. Your husband was found DOA.
Marge: Oh my god! He's dead?
Chief Wiggum: Oh, I'm sorry. He was DUI. I get those two confused. hangs up phone
Woman walks in: My name is Mrs. Phillips. You said my husband was DUI?
Chief Wiggum: Uh... talk to one of those officers over there. I'm going to lunch.

Marge: "Third notice." "Final notice." "Some guys are coming."

Marge: What's this? An invitation to our high school reunion. Gee, that's odd. They didn't send one to you.
Homer's Brain: This is it, Homer. It's time to tell her the terrible secret from your past.
Homer: Marge, I ate those fancy soaps you bought for the bathroom.
Marge: Oh my god!
Homer's Brain: No, the other secret.
Homer: Marge, I never graduated from high school.
Marge: Well that still doesn't explain why you ate my soap. Wait. Maybe it does.

Marge: In honor of legalized gambling, why not go as the state of Nevada?
Lisa: No. Nevada makes my butt look big.

Homer: Remember when I let that escaped lunatic in the house because he was dressed like Santa Claus? Well you have a gambling problem!
Marge: Homer, when you forgive someone you can't throw it back at them like that.
Homer: Aw, what a gyp.

Lisa: And now you can go back to just being you, instead of a one-dimensional character with a silly catchphrase.
Homer breaks lamp: D'oh!
Bart: Aye Carumba!
Marge: Hmmm.
Flanders: Hidely-ho.
Barney: burps
Nelson: Ha ha!
Burns: Ex-cellent!
Lisa: If anyone wants me, I'll be in my room.

Marge: Ooh, Lisa! Is that too spicy for you?
Lisa: I can see through time!
Homer: Stop being such a baby. You can't be afraid to try new things. For instance, tonight I'm using a... Apu, what do you call this thing again?
Apu: A napkin.
Homer: Outrageous!

Marge: You know Homer, when I found out about this I went through a wide range of emotions. First I was nervous, then anxious, then wary, then apprehensive, then kinda sleepy, then worried, and then concerned. But now I realize that being a spaceman is something you have to do.
Homer: Who's doing what now?

Homer: Homer, it looks like it could gore.
Marge: Heh heh. It does look like Al Gore.

Marge: I really think this is a bad idea.
Homer: Marge, I agree with you. In theory. In theory, communism works. In theory.

Homer: D'oh!
Lisa: A deer!
Marge: A female deer.

Lisa: Dad! You're sinking!
Marge: Get a rope, Bart.
Homer: Nah, that's okay. I'm pretty sure I can struggle my way out. First I'll just reach in and pull my legs out. {his arms and legs are now stuck} Now I'll pull my arms out with my face.

Marge: Homer, you didn't do a very good job frosting Maggie's birthday cake!
Homer: What? It's not Maggaggie's birthday?

Marge: What about Abe Simpson? Don't you have any feelings for him?
Mother Simpson: Aw, he's a dear. But he's too much of an old fusspot.
Marge: We're all aware Grampa's problems, but compared to Mr. Burns, he's Judge freakin' Reinhold.
Mother Simpson: I don't know who that is.

Homer: But every time I learn something new, it pushes out something old! Remember that time I took a home wine-making course and forgot how to drive?
Marge: That's because you were drunk!
Homer: And how.

Homer: Look everyone! Now that I'm a teacher I've sewn patches on my elbows.
Marge: Homer that's supposed to be leather patches on a tweed jacket, not the other way around. You've ruined a perfectly good jacket.
Homer: Incorrect, Marge. Two perfectly good jackets!

Homer: I'm taking a shortcut.
Marge: Homer, no. You're gonna get lost.
Homer: Trust me, Marge! With today's modern cars you can't get lost. What with all the silicon chips and such. {after the shortcut} Alright, we're here. Let us never speak of the shortcut again.

Marge: I'm so embarrassed I wish there was a hole I could just crawl into and die.
Storm Trooper: Okay, throw her in the hole!

Homer: But Marge, I was a political prisoner!
Marge: How were you a political prisoner?
Homer: I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do I have to draw you a diagram?!

Marge: I guess we could get more involved in Bart's activities but then I'd be afraid of smothering him.
Homer: Yeah. And then we'd get the chair.
Marge: That's not what I meant.
Homer: It was, Marge. Admit it.

Marge: Homer don't start stalking people again! It's so... illegal.

Marge: You know, you are a member of a very exclusive club.
Homer: Black Panthers?
Marge: No!

Marge: I'm not saying it won't work, I'm just saying it's dishonest.
Homer: Well if we agree then why are we arguing?!

Homer: Burkina Faso? Disputed Zone? Who called all these weird places?
Homer's Brain: Quiet. It might be you! I can't remember.
Homer: Naw, I'm going to ask Marge.
Homer's Brain: No, no! Why embarrass us both? Just write a check and I'll release some more endorphins.

Bart: Me and Santa's Little Helper used to be a team. But he never wants to play anymore since his bitch moved in.
Marge: Bart! Don't ever say that word again!
Bart: Well that's what she is. I looked it up.
Marge: Well I'm going to write the dictionary people and have that checked.

Homer: Okay, I'm never going to win Father of the Year. In fact, I'm probably the last guy in the world to have kids... wait, let me rephrase that. I love my kids. I'd do anything for Bart and Lisa.
Judge: And Margaret?
Homer: Who? Lady, you must have the wrong file.
Marge: She's talking about Maggie.
Homer: Oh! Maggie. I've got nothing against Maggie.

Homer: So I realized that being with my family is more important than being cool.
Bart: Dad, what you just said was powerfully uncool.
Homer: You know what the song says: "It's hip to be square."
Lisa: That song is so lame.
Homer: So lame that it's... cool?
Bart and Lisa: No.
Marge: Am I cool, kids?
Bart and Lisa: No.
Marge: Good. I'm glad. And that's what makes me cool—not caring, right?
Bart and Lisa: No.
Marge: Well, how the hell do you be cool? I feel like we've tried everything here.
Homer: Wait, Marge. Maybe if you're truly cool, you don't need to be told you're cool.
Bart: Well, sure you do.
Lisa: How else would you know?

Homer: trying to casually buy illegal fireworks Let me have one of those porno magazines, large box of condoms, a bottle of Old Harper, a couple of those panty shields, and some illegal fireworks, and one of those disposable enemas... eh, make it two.
Later...
Marge seeing Homer's purchases: I don't know what you've got planned for tonight, Homer, but count me out.

Marge: You know how I feel about hoaxes.
Homer: Still?!

Rev. Lovejoy: Thanks a lot, Marge. That was our only burlesque house.

Marge: I'm going into the dining room to have a conversation. If you want to join me, fine. (leaves room) Hello Marge, how's the family? I don't want to talk about it. Mind your own business!
Homer: Keep it down in there!

Marge: I guess I'm just not comfortable in the whole idea of "investing".

Marge: Listen to your mother, kids. Aim low. Aim so low no one will even care if you succeed. Dinner's in the oven. If you want some butter it's under my face.

Lisa: What's going on outside?
Marge: Oh it's just a mob war. Go back to sleep.

Homer: That John is the greatest guy in the world. We've gotta have him and his wife over for drinks sometime.
Marge: Mmm, I don't think he's married, Homer.
Homer: Oh, a swinging bachelor, eh? Well, there's lots of foxy ladies out there.
Marge: Homer, didn't John seem a little... festive to you?
Homer: Couldn't agree more. Happy as a clam!
Marge: insisting He prefers the company of men!
Homer: Who doesn't?
Marge: Homer, listen carefully. John is a ho... mo...
Homer: Right. Right.
Marge: ...sexual.
Homer: Augh!!

Marge: I've been looking over this list of things for the ceremony. I've got the extra wine glasses, but I'm still short a Tandoori oven, an elephant and four castrati.
Bart: What's a castrati?
Marge: I don't know, but I'm sure it's spicy.

Marge: Who knew that Lee Marvin could do such marvelous splits.
Lisa: He's dreamy.

Marge: Homer, you sing all the time.
Homer: No I don't. I hate to rhyme!

Marge: Now, how are we going to get my Homey back?
Willy: I'll kidnap him for fifty, deprogram him for a hundred, and kill him for five hundred.
Marge: No, no. Just the first two.
Willy: Alright. I'll throw in the killin' for free.

Homer: Marge, can we trade? I don't trust these guys.

Homer: Marge, if you don't mind I'm a little busy now achieving financial independence.
Marge: Through cans of grease?
Homer: No. Through savings and wise investment. Of course with grease!

Marge: Lisa, I made you some homemade Pepsi for the dance. It's a little thick, but the price is right!

Homer: Homer Simpson does not lie twice on the same form! He never has and he never will.
Marge: You lied dozens of times on our mortgage application.
Homer: Yeah, but they were all part of a single ball of lies.

Announcer: The start of television's second most exciting season—mid-season!—is just two hundred exciting seconds away.
Homer: Car?
Marge: Locked.
Homer: Phone?
Lisa: Unplugged.
Homer: Dog? Cat?
Bart: Taped and corked.
Homer: Perfect.

Marge about Admiral Baby: It's hard to believe someone that young could have risen to the rank of Admiral.

Marge: Your character provides the comic relief. Like, oh... Marlo Brando in Apocalypse Now.

Marge: You changed your name without consulting me?
Homer: That's the way Max Power is, Marge. Decisive. Uncompromising. And rude.

Marge: But I fell in love with Homer Simpson. I don't want to snuggle with Max Power.
Homer: Nobody snuggles with Max Power. You strap yourself in and feel the G's.
Marge: Oh lord!

Marge: C'mon, Homer, Japan will be fun. You like Rashomon.
Homer: That's not how I remember it. Besides, if we wanted to see Japanese people we could have gone to the zoo!
Marge: Homer!
Homer: What? The guy who washes the elephants is Japanese. His name is Takashi! He's in my book club!

Marge: Only your father could take a part-time job at a small town paper and wind up the target of international assassins.

Lisa: Mom! Dad's on PBS!
Marge: Mmm. They don't show police chases, do they?

Marge: Nobody told us how tough it is to raise kids. They almost drove me to fortified wine.
Homer: Then we figured out we could park them in front of the TV. That's how I was raised and I turned out TV.

Marge: Okay, the material was a little corny, but Homer and I had real chemistry on screen.
Homer: Every day I thought about firing Marge. You know, just to shake things up.

Marge: I learned something. When people reach for their diaphragm, they don't want to see my picture.

Dr. Nick Riviera: With my diet you can eat all you want anytime you want.
Marge: And you'll lose weight?
Dr. Nick Riviera: Ah, you might. It's a free country!

Marge: This is terrible! How will the kids get home?
Homer: I dunno. Internet?

Homer: I have a great way to solve our money woes. You rent your
womb to a rich childless couple. If you agree, signify by getting indignant.
Marge: Are you crazy? I'm not going to be a surrogate mother.
Homer: C'mon, Marge, we're a team. It's uter-US, not uter-YOU.
Marge: Forget it!

Marge: Lisa, a missing crayon could be anywhere.
Homer jumps inside through a window
Homer: Who wants lottery tickets?
Marge: Okay, it's in his brain.

Saleswoman: Your baby is dead!
Homer and Marge: Oh no!
Saleswoman: That's what you'd hear if your baby fell victim to the thousands of deathtraps lurking in the average American home.
Homer: You really scared us there.
Saleswoman: I'm sorry, but the truth is, your baby—Maggie Simpson—is dead! Dead tired of baby-proofers who don't provide a free estimate. Let's start in the kitchen.

Marge: I'm Marge Simpson. Long-time customer. First time complainer.
Garth Motherloving (Ben Stiller): Hey Marge. I'm not up on the current slang, but do the kids still say, "Get the hell out of my office."?

Homer: Wait. You went to a sugar factory? Were there Oompa Loompas?
Marge: There was one in a cage. But he wasn't moving.

Kent Brockman: Good evening. Our top story: Springfield's cake hole has been shut forever. Under what has been dubbed "Marge's Law," all forms of sugar are now illegal.
Homer: Thank you, Erin Choco-Snitch. That was a group effort.

Marge: Now before we get there, you have to put this blindfold on.
Homer: All my other senses are getting sharper! Bart, you had pizza for lunch. Lisa, you're extremely depressed.

Marge: Homer, these people are professional roasters. Don't give them fodder.

Marge: I couldn't even wake you up for work this morning. I had to tell Mr. Burns you had violent diarrhea.
Homer: Oh! Couldn't you come up with a less embarrassing lie?
Marge: But you did have violent diarrhea. Nobody open the hallway closet until I say it's okay.

Marge: Homey, are you as attracted to me as you were when we met?
Homer: Sure. Why not.

Marge: I didn't sacrifice my period for second place!

Moe: Uh, how do I say this without being offensive? Marge there ain't enough booze in this place to make you look good.

Marge: I can't count how many time's your father has done something crazy.
Lisa: looking at ticker It's 300, Mom!
Marge: I could've sworn it was 302.
Lisa: Shhh!

Marge: Homey, don't let it get you down. So Mr. Burns doesn't take you seriously. Big woop. Who gives a doodle. Whoopie ding dong doo.
Homer: Thanks for trying, but I'll be at Moe's.
Marge: So my husband goes to a bar every night. Whoopety-do. Who gives a bibble. Gabba gabba hey.

Marge: Long-time reader, first time stander-upper!

Marge: History's like an amusement park. Except instead of rides you have dates to memorize.

Marge: How did you get her out?
Lisa: I tried the coat hanger again. I don't understand why we can only try ideas once.

Marge: Hostess Twinkies?
Homer: I heard if you age them for ten years, they turn to liquor.

Marge: Shame on you two creeps!
Bart: It's your fault for giving birth to my archenemy.
Lisa: At least I was planned!
Marge: Stop it! No one was planned.

Marge: Bart, stop fooling with the remote!
Bart: Lisa made me with a witches spell.
Lisa: It's called Wicca and it's empowering.
Bart: Wicca's a Hollywood fad.
Lisa: That's Kaballah, jerk!

Marge about Bart: That boy failed show-and-tell but he's on our ass like Sherlock Holmes.

Marge: I like shirts with a nice joke. Like "Support Our Troops."
Homer: Bart's shirt is a classic, Marge. Just like "Keep on Truckin'." As if I would ever want to stop truckin'.

Insurance Agent: Are you a smoker?
Homer: Yes I am.
Marge: You don't smoke!
Homer: Sh. I want her to think I'm cool.

Bart: Budget-O's?
Marge: That's right. It's much less expensive than the leading clown-based cereal. You just have to assemble it yourself.

Homer: Marge the Rapture is nigh. These books will help me figure out how nigh.

Marge: What language is this? Gibby Gabby?
Bart: It's Albanian. But the producers added subtitles to make it "commercial".
Lisa: Mom! I don't wanna read. It's the weekend! {he pulls his shirt over his head}

Marge: Bart, don't make fun of grad students. They just made a terrible life choice.

Marge: I'm a little worried. This part of the county is unincorporated. Just to be safe I'm going to dial 9-1 on my cell phone.

Marge: Sweetie, if someone's bullying you, you should tell your teacher.
Bart: But it's the teacher who's bullying me.
Marge: Well tell your regular bully. He won't like it one bit.

Marge: Would you like to spend the night with us?
Willy: I don' need your charity! As long as I've got a pan over me head.
Marge: That's not a pan. It's a colander.
Willy: Ah, so that's where me soup went.

Marge: Homey, what's that? On the back of your head?
Homer: It's called headvertising. It creates brand awareness without relying on traditional media.
Marge: Well it creeps me out. Homer turns off the light Wow. It glows in the dark.
Homer confused: It's not supposed to.

Homer (captaining the Mayflower): Don't worry, Marge! I'll see to it you fundamentalist Christians live to take over all of America by the 21st century!

Marge: ...Since then, I haven't been able to do any of the Calculus I've encountered in my daily life.

Marge: Hey Nelson! Car pool!
Nelson: Just a sec. I gotta finish my science project {he throws a rock at a squirrel}. Woah. Squirrels don't like rocks.

Bart: So how did Malt Liquor Mommy die?
Marge: Stop calling her that!
Lenny: I'll tell you how she died. You know that sign that says, "Do not stand up on the roller coaster"?
Bart: Yeah.
Lenny: She overdosed right in front of it.
Marge: Low class all the way.
Homer: Marge, could you let it go? You won. She's dead.

Marge: What are those noises? They sounded zoological!

Marge: Homer! Our son joined the army!
Homer: Eh. Big deal. By the time Bart's 18 we're gonna control the world. We're China, right?

Marge: Homer! Don't drink and drive.
Homer: Fine. I'll drive between sips.

Homer giving Marge more popsicle sticks: This is the most fun I've ever had giving you wood.

Bart about Nelson's party: Mom, I can't go. No one else is.
Marge: Well if no one else jumped off the Empire State building, would you not jump?
Bart: Kind of?

Homer about Gil: Why did you let that loser into our home?
Marge: I'll tell you why: Christian charity.
Homer: Christian Charity? What does a porn star have to do with this?

Marge: Bart, this is all we can afford for now. If it doesn't work maybe when you're an adult you can pay some lady to make you happy for an hour.
Bart: You know, I think I will.

Lisa: I can't believe you listened to this magazine. It's a Larry Flynt publication.
Marge: Lisa, stop reading mastheads.
Lisa: I can't. I won't!

Marge: If someone did eat Bart's shorts they'd have a tummy-full of pocket garbage.

Lisa: There must be a web site that can help you with a clingy baby.
Marge: I don't want to bother the internet with my problem.

Bart: We can say these swears anytime we want because they're in the Bible.
Milhouse: I don't think Leviticus is a swear.
Bart: Shut the hell up, you damn ass whore!
Marge: Bart?
Bart: Uh oh (hides Bible)
Marge: I'm starting to worry about your father.
Bart: Well I know he seems to get dumber every year but lately he's plateaued.

Marge: You have to be there. You miss way too many precious moments in the children's lives.
Homer: What? Name twelve.
Bart: Well, just this week there's been field day, pick me up from airport—
Lisa: And the father-daughter dance!

Marge: Homer, you can not miss Lisa's big day. And you have to come sober!
Homer: American sober or Irish sober?
Marge: .08 sober!
Homer: .15!
Marge: .09!
Homer: .10. With a stomach full of bread. Final offer.

Marge: Homer, I'm a hostage in a bank robbery!
Homer: What? Oh my god! My sweet Margie! Okay, listen very carefully: don't do anything they say, remain panicky, and above all try to be a hero.

Homer: Marge give me a break. I don't notice the color of people's eyes. I just judge them by the color of their skin.

Marge: Stop naming things!

Nelson: There's a time for crumping. And this isn't it.
Marge: I'll crump with you, Sweetie Pie.

Homer: The mother of my children with the reason for my children!
Marge: Homer, please!
Duff Man: I'm just giving it to your wife. She is going to be sore tomorrow.

Marge: We wouldn't be in this trouble if you'd just pay the heating bill.
Homer: I thought Global Warming would take care of it. Al Gore can't do anything right!

Marge: Are you saying that America was founded on misconceptions?

Professor August: Look at that lighthouse. That's the ultimate expression of phallocentric technocracy violating Mother Sky.
Marge: I thought they were just tall so boats could see them.
Professor August: No Marge. Everything penis-shaped is bad.

Marge: So how was your outside time?
Lisa: We were never outside! We were here all day!
Marge: That quick talking is never a good sign.
Lisa: That's usually true but in this case it's not.

Sneakers Host: Marge, you've given me a lot to think about today. Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to the editing room to make you look insane. To the post-production trailer!

Marge: Lisa, have I ever shown you my shattered dreams box?
Lisa: No.
Marge: It's upstairs in my disappointment closet.

Marge: Homey, I'm going to be a dancer!
Homer: Go-Go or boring?
Marge: Boring!
Homer: Oh.

Denis Leary: Can I give you some advice?
Marge: Of course! You're Denis Leary.
Denis Leary: Give your kid back the phone, but first activate its built-in GPS system. That way you can log on to your carrier's web site and track your son's movements. The way I track every actor who gets a movie that I was up for.
Marge: Shouldn't you just be happy for their success?
Denis Leary: I should be a lot of things, lady.

Lisa: Guess what, mom? I'm a cruciverbalist!
Marge: Another religion? You know you're just going to drop the whole thing when you go to college and get a Jewish boyfriend.
Lisa: Probably. But a cruciverbalist is a fan of crossword puzzles. Which I am!
Grampa: Me too. I've been doing them since 1958. Back then we called them "alphabet hotels" because every letter gets its own little room.

Marge: Homer that's very nice of you having Bart's Muslim friend's Muslim family over.
Homer: Here's the plan. You keep them drunk. I'll be listening. And quietly judging.

Marge: You're teaching Bart a terrible lesson of intolerance!
Homer: I'm sorry. It's just so fun and easy to judge people based on their religion.
Marge: I want you to go over to their house and apologize.
Homer: But we're the more powerful country for a few more years!

Marge about the model UN: Are you saying Lisa's not there?
Martin: To the extent that you can trust the word of a Belgian, yes!

Homer: Marge, don't worry. It's like when we stopped paying the phone bill. They stopped calling us. In fact everyone did.

Marge: How about a family outing?
Bart: A family outing? I'll start. Lisa's gay!

Marge to herself: Wait a second Marge. Do you really want to use your baby as a tool to spy on your husband?
Lisa: Yes you do.
Marge: I wasn't talking to you.
Lisa: When you say it, it's not just in your head.

Marge: Sorry, but I know God would never ask a mother to sacrifice her child for the good of the world. pause Again.

Marge about sciencewater: The label is all in lowercase. It's like drinking ee cummings!

Lisa: Looks like Maggie wants a story too.
Marge: Oo! The Fountainhead.
Lisa: Isn't that book the bible of right-wing losers?
Mrs. Skinner: Yeah, but the guy on the book jacket is one sexy slice of beefcake.

Marge: I call to order this meeting of the Springfield Charity Chicks. As you all know, last year's cake and cookie sale raised $112 to fight childhood obesity.

Marge: I love this red wine.
Photographer: It's Andalusian.
Marge: Well it seems real to me.

Marge: I've been pin-upped! And every month is me.

Marge: This isn't fair. I want romance.
Homer: What about bromance?
Marge: It's not the same.
Homer: Dude!
Marge: I'm not a dude. I'm a hottie.
Homer: This bromance just got interesting.

Marge: Then again, there's only one way to get an accurate reading. Bart. Pants!
Lisa: Just close your eyes and think of Milhouse.
Marge: Yep. One-oh-three on the dot. You're staying home.
Lisa: How did you— ?
Bart: I don't want to talk about it.

Homer: After sex, I'm done talking to you!
Marge: Then there won't be any sex!
Homer: You can't sex fire me! I sex quit!

Bart: I hate being stuck at home.
Marge: Play with Lisa!
Bart: Mom you don't play with Lisa. You play despite her.

Marge: That's not Sesame Street. That's a gay bar.

Marge: A lot of people sound like Sideshow Bob. Like Frasier on Cheers.
Homer: Or Frasier on Frasier.
Marge: Or Lieutenant Commander Tom Dodge in Down Periscope.

Grampa: Sure is hell to have your husband around all the time, ain't it?
Marge: At least in hell the heat still works.

Moe: There is one bright side. I'm also forbidden from watching FOX.
Marge: You can't even show it in the bar?
Moe: That's right. And business has never been better.

Marge: Is that the cat in there?
Homer: It's a cat. I wouldn't say it's the cat.

Marge: Sweetie, you could still go to McGill. The Harvard of Canada.
Lisa: Anything that's the something of the something isn't really the anything of the anything.

Bart: A kid at school's going to beat me up.
Marge: Is it Milhouse?
Bart: Milhouse couldn't beat me up.
Marge: Are you sure? He's having a growth spurt.
Bart: It's not Milhouse!
Marge: Is it a girl?
Bart: It's Nelson!
Marge: Hm. I never figured him for the bully type. Well if he's got you cornered and Milhouse isn't there to help you, there's only one way out. Make him feel good about himself.
Bart: How do I do that?
Marge: I don't know. Compliment his glasses.
Bart: It's not Milhouse!

Marge: Lisa, what are you doing?
Lisa: Marking a crime scene! To celebrate an ancient pagan ritual, this tree was cut-down and tarted-up like a dime-a-dance floozy! {pulls out a Fir is murder! sign}
Marge: Next you'll have a problem with my gingerbread house.
Lisa: You mean your gingerbread McMansion!
Homer: Hey, show some respect. Three gingerbread workmen died making that.

Patty: Simpson, you're shipping out tonight.
Marge: Right before Christmas?
Patty: HItler doesn't take a holiday!
Selma: Well he does, but he doesn't tell people until the last minute so they can't make plans.
Patty: Bastard.

Martha Stewart: Wake up, Marge. Magical memories don't make themselves.
Marge: Martha Stewart! How did you get in here?
Martha Stewart: A picket fence, stood on its end, makes a sturdy and attractive ladder.

Marge: Martha, the house looks beautiful. It's like Christmas with a childless gay couple.

Marge: Maybe we could get back together.
Bart: Awesome! I'll get the white wine.
Marge: You can't buy white wine.
Bart: Why not? Are you having red meat?

Hairdresser: Marge, it's time I told you the truth. You've been grayer than a Seattle Cinco de Mayo for years now.
Marge: Really?
Hairdresser: Yes, the dye not only colors your hair but the fumes wipe the experience from your mind.

Lisa: Mom, your choice to go back to blue is so empowering.
Marge: But you said going from blue to gray was empowering.
Lisa: As a feminist, virtually anything a woman does is empowering.
Marge: Oh.
Homer: Is my job creating power empowering?
Lisa: No. It's oddly dehumanizing.

Bart: My stupid cartoon? A movie? Thank you!
Herman Milgood: Oh, don't thank me. Thank Hollywood for being out of ideas.
Homer: My little Roman Polanski.
Marge: Homer!
Homer: What? What's wrong with being Polanski?

Marge: What are you guys doing up there?
Homer: Ack! Hide the dope!
Bart: We don't have any dope.
Homer: Then what did I just smoke?

Marge: I'm not a hoarder! Do the Yankees "hoard" pennants? Does Marrakech hoard intrigue?

Marge: You destroyed our son's self-esteem.
Homer: Well it was your idea to give him self-esteem in the first place.

Marge: Well Newsweek magazine did say it's good to change careers. Right after they laid off all their editors.