Quotes from The Simpsons

Marge Simpson

Season 1

Marge: Bart, this is a big day for you. Why don't you eat something a little more nutritious.
Homer: Nonsense, Marge. Frosty Krusty Flakes are what got him where he is today. It could be one of these chemicals here that makes him so smart.

Homer: Come on, Bart. Your mother's only trying to help. So go ahead and enjoy the show.
Marge: Homer, you're going too.
Homer: But I'm not a genius. Why should I suffer?

Marge: I don't want to alarm anybody, but I think there's a little al-key-hol in this punch.

Homer: I'm sorry, Marge, but sometimes I think we're the worst family in town.
Marge: Maybe we should move to a larger community.

Marge: Bart, I hope you're going straight to the principal about this.
Bart: I guess I could do that.
Homer: What?! And violate the code of the schoolyard? I'd rather Bart die.
Marge: What on earth are you talking about, Homer?
Homer: The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy to be a man. Let's see. "Don't tattle." "Always make fun of those different from you." "Never say anything unless you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do."

Marge: I didn't realize there was so much to this game. What do you charge for lessons?
Jacques (A. Brooks): Twenty-five dollars.
Marge: Twenty-five dollars?
Jacques: It's a forty dollar value.

Jacques: Meet me tomorrow for brunch.
Marge: What's brunch?
Jacques: You'd love it. It's not quite breakfast, it's not quite lunch but it comes with a slice of cantaloupe at the end. You don't get completely what you would at breakfast but you get a good meal.

Jacques: Mimosa?
Marge: I'm a married woman. Please don't call me that!

Homer: Marge! What a lovely surprise. You're here to see me, right?
Marge: Of course.

Homer: Lord help me, I'm just not that bright.
Marge: Oh Homer, don't say that. The way I see it, if you raised three children who can knock out and hog tie a perfect stranger you must be doing something right.

Season 2

Marge: Our little tiger tries so hard. Why does he keep failing?
Homer: Just a little dim I guess.

Marge: Hello, everyone. You know, Halloween is a very strange holiday. Personally, I don't understand it. Kids worshipping ghosts, pretending to be devils. Things on TV that are completely inappropriate for young viewers. Things like the following half-hour! Nothing seems to bother my kids, but tonight's show—which I totally wash my hands of—is really scary. So if you have sensitive children, maybe you should tuck them in early tonight instead of writing us angry letters tomorrow. Thanks for your attention.

Marge: I'm not going to live in a house of evil just to save a few dollars.
Homer: Don't be so stubborn! We're not talking about a few dollars. We're talking about a few thousand dollars! {he floats upwards as he talks} It's got great high ceilings!

Marge: This family has had its differences and we've squabbled, but we've never had knife fights before. And I blame this house.

Serak the Preparer (James Earl Jones): Here you go Earthlings. Take all you want, but eat all you take.
Marge: Well thank you very much, Mr.—
Serak the Preparer: To pronounce it correctly, I would have to pull out your tongue.
Marge: Ew.

Marge: For a superior race, they really rub it in.

Marge: Lisa, you're learning many lessons tonight. And one of them is to always give your mother the benefit of the doubt.

Marge: Homer, this is a terrible thing that's happened but we can't blame ourselves.
Homer: We can and will.

Mrs. Lovejoy: Get dressed, Marge. You've got to lead our protest against this abomination.
Marge: But that's Michelangelo's David. It's a masterpiece.
Mrs. Lovejoy: It's filth! It graphically portrays parts of the human body which, practical as they may be, are evil.
Marge: But I like that statue.
Maude Flanders: I told you she was soft on full frontal nudity.

Marge: I guess one person can make a difference. But most of the time, they probably shouldn't.

Marge: Oh Bart, we thought for a minute you'd gone away from us.
Bart: I did go away, Mom! I was miles and miles and miles away! Writhing in agony in the pits of Hell! And you were there, and you and you and you... {seeing Lionel Hutz} You I've never seen before.

Court Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?
Marge: Yes I do.
Lionel Hutz: She sounded like she was taking that awful seriously.

Marge: Bart! You're no longer in Sunday School. Don't swear.

Marge: It's Patty who chose a life of celibacy. Selma had celibacy thrust upon her.

Lisa: Hey, Mom, these paintings are good. I know firsthand how fragile young talent is. I'd love to hear the particulars of how your gift was squashed.

Mr. Burns: You know, I'm no art critic. But I know what I hate. And I don't hate this. Your painting is bold but beautiful. And incidentally, thanks for not making fun of my genitalia {he wanders off}.
Marge: I thought I did.

Dr. Hibbert: If you want him to live through the night, I suggest you roll him onto his stomach.
Marge: Thank you, I will, Dr. Hibbert. Thanks for coming.
Dr. Hibbert: Remember, I said "if".

Marge: Homer, I like to think that I'm a patient, tolerant woman and that there was no line that you could cross that would make me stop loving you. But last night you didn't just cross that line, you threw up on it!

Marge: Did you make any money?
Bart: Not yet but I'm in a lot of pain.

Season 3

Homer: Every time you get a million dollars something queers the deal.
Lisa: I don't think real checks have exclamation points.
Marge: Well at least we got a free sample of Reading Digest.
Homer: Marge, I've never read a magazine in my life and I'm not going to start now.

Marge: How are you enjoying your ham, Homey?
Homer: It's so bitter it's like acid in my mouth.
Marge: Mm. It's actually more of a honey glaze.
Lisa: Maybe you ate a clove!

Marge: Hello, everyone. Before last year's Halloween show, I warned you not to let your children watch. But you did anyway. Mm. Well, this year's episode is even worse. It's scarier, more violent, and I think they snuck in some bad language too. So please, tuck in your children and— Well, if you didn't listen to me last time, you're not going to now. Enjoy the show.

Marge: Homer, there's something I don't like about that severed hand.

Marge: We can't afford to buy a pony.
Homer: Marge, with today's gasoline prices we can't afford not to buy a pony.

Marge: Then I'm afraid there's no choice but to give up the pony.
Homer: First you didn't want me to get the pony! Now you want me to take it back! Make up your mind.

Marge: Hello, room service? This is Marge Simpson. I'd like a hot fudge sundae. With whipped cream. And some chocolate chip cheesecake. And a bottle of tequila!

Marge: I think he needs a dog house.
Homer: Yeah, but what're you going to do.
Marge: We could buy a nice dog house for fifty dollars.
Homer: Marge, you're a tool of the dog house makers.

Homer: Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. {writing} "Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpville. Population: You."
Marge: We'll all help.

Homer: Three simple words: "I am gay."
Marge: Homer, for the last time. I'm not putting that in.

Lisa: "And anytime I hear the wind blow it will whisper the name Edna."
Marge: Oo! That's very good, Lisa.
Homer: "P.S. I am gay."

Marge: Homey, you're good at lots of things.
Homer: Like what?
Marge: Like snuggling.
Homer: Yeah. But none of my friends can watch me.

Marge: Oh well. We lost the money but at least we've still got each other.
Grampa: Hey, the dog's dead.

Marge: Homer, has the weight loss tape reduced your appetite?
Homer: Ah, lamentably no! My gastronomic rapacity knows no satiety.

Marge: I don't know if that tape is working. You ate three desserts tonight.
Homer: Forbearance is the watchword. That triumvirate of Twinkies merely overwhelmed my resolve.
Marge: Another thing I've been wanting to talk to you about...

Marge: How was your day at work, dear?
Homer: Oh, the usual. "Stand in front of this." "Open that." "Pull down this." "Bend over." "Spread apart that." "Turn your head that way." "Cough."

Season 4

Marge: I'm Marge Simpson. I'll be playing Blanche. I made some peanut butter brownies for everyone.
Llewellyn Sinclair (Jon Lovitz): Well. would anyone else like a bite of banality?
Wiggum: I would.

Homer: Hey, you know I'm a lot like that guy.
Marge: Really?
Homer: Yeah. Like when I pick my teeth with the mail and stuff.

Marge: Homer, are you actually giving up your faith?
Homer: No! No no no no! Well, yes.

Lisa: I'm hideous.
Marge: Lisa, I know a song that will cheer you up. {singing} There once was an ugly duckling—
Lisa: So you think I'm ugly?
Marge: No! No, I meant you were one of the good looking ducks. That... makes fun of the ugly one. Mm.

Homer: Good evening. I've been asked to tell you that the following show is very scary. It's stuff that might give your kids nightmares. You see, there are some crybabies out there—religious types, mostly—who might be offended. If you are one of them, I advise you to turn off your set now. Come on, I dare you. {clucking} Chicken! {the lights go out} Hey!
Marge: Homer, did you just call everyone "chicken"?
Homer: No. I swear on this Bible!
Marge: That's not a Bible, that's a book of carpet samples.
Homer: Mm... fuzzy.

Marge: Where'd you get all the money?
Grampa Simpson: The government. I didn't earn it. I don't need it. But if they miss one payment, I'll raise hell!

Marge: Well I'm sure glad we didn't turn into mindless zombies.
Bart: Sh! TV.

Waiter: I'm sorry, ma'am, but everything on the menu has fish in it.
Marge: What about the bread, does that have much fish in it?
Waiter: Yes.
Marge: Well, I have some tic-tacs in my purse.
Waiter: Excellent choice.

Marge: I saved this newspaper from the day Lisa was born.
Lisa: "Mondale to Hart: Where's the beef?"
Bart: "Where's the beef?" What the hell's that supposed to mean?
Homer: Heh heh heh. "Where's the beef." No wonder he won Minnesota.

Marge: Homer! That's dishwashing liquid.
Homer: Yeah, but what are you gonna go?

Marge: But Main Street's still all cracked and broken.
Bart: Sorry, Mom, the mob has spoken.

Marge: Homer, there's a family of possums in here!
Homer: I call the big one Bitey.

Chief Wiggum on phone: Uh, Mrs. Simpson, I have some bad news. Your husband was found DOA.
Marge: Oh my god! He's dead?
Chief Wiggum: Oh, I'm sorry. He was DUI. I get those two confused. {hangs up phone}
Woman walking in: My name is Mrs. Phillips. You said my husband was DUI?
Chief Wiggum: Uh... talk to one of those officers over there. I'm going to lunch.

Marge: "Third notice." "Final notice." "Some guys are coming."

Marge: What's this? An invitation to our high school reunion. Gee, that's odd. They didn't send one to you.
Homer's Brain: This is it, Homer. It's time to tell her the terrible secret from your past.
Homer: Marge, I ate those fancy soaps you bought for the bathroom.
Marge: Oh my god!
Homer's Brain: No, the other secret.
Homer: Marge, I never graduated from high school.
Marge: Well that still doesn't explain why you ate my soap. Wait. Maybe it does.

Marge: So how are things at home?
Bart: We flushed the gator down the toilet but it got stuck halfway so now we have to feed it.

Season 5

Marge: Your teenage son or daughter will think this wishbone necklace is really cool.
Man: I doubt my son or daughter is that stupid.

Bart: Paintings. Lifeless images rendered in colorful goop. But at night, they take on a life of their own. They become portals to Hell, so scary and horrible and gruesome that—
Marge: Bart, you should warn people this episode is very frightening. Maybe they'd rather listen to that old War of the Worlds broadcast on MPR.
Bart: Yes, Mother.
Marge: Good! Now you hold Maggie. I'm going to buy earrings at the gift shop.

Marge: Bart! Stop pestering Satan.

Marge: Homer, we have to do something. Today he's drinking people's blood. Tomorrow he could be smoking.

Ruth Powers: I envy you and Homer.
Marge: Thank you. Why?
Ruth Powers: If you ever met my ex-husband you'd understand. All he ever did was eat, sleep and drink beer.
Marge: Your point being?

Marge: In honor of legalized gambling, why not go as the state of Nevada?
Lisa: No. Nevada makes my butt look big.

Homer: Remember when I let that escaped lunatic in the house because he was dressed like Santa Claus? Well you have a gambling problem!
Marge: Homer, when you forgive someone you can't throw it back at them like that.
Homer: Aw, what a gyp.

Lisa: This biography of Bart came awfully quickly. It's not even about him!
Bart: Sure it is. Look at the cover.
Lisa: But inside it's mostly about Ross Perot, and the last two chapters are excerpts from the Oliver North trial.
Homer: Ah, Oliver North. He was just poured into that uniform.
Marge: Hm...

Lisa: And now you can go back to just being you, instead of a one-dimensional character with a silly catchphrase.
Homer breaks lamp: D'oh!
Bart: Aye Carumba!
Marge: Hmmm.
Maggie sucks her pacifier.
Flanders: Hidely-ho.
Barney burps
Nelson: Ha ha!
Burns: Excellent!
They all stare at her.
Lisa: If anyone wants me, I'll be in my room.

Marge: Ooh, Lisa! Is that too spicy for you?
Lisa: I can see through time!
Homer: Stop being such a baby. You can't be afraid to try new things. For instance, tonight I'm using a... Apu, what do you call this thing again?
Apu: A napkin.
Homer: Outrageous!

Marge: Lisa, ordinarily I'd say you should stand up for what you believe, but you've been doing that an awful lot lately.
Bart: Yeah. You made us march in that gay rights parade.
Homer: And we can't watch FOX because they own those chemical weapon plants in Syria.

Marge: You know Homer, when I found out about this I went through a wide range of emotions. First I was nervous, then anxious, then wary, then apprehensive, then kinda sleepy, then worried, and then concerned. But now I realize that being a spaceman is something you have to do.
Homer: Who's doing what now?

Homer: Homer, it looks like it could gore.
Marge: Heh heh. It does look like Al Gore.

Marge: I really think this is a bad idea.
Homer: Marge, I agree with you. In theory. In theory, communism works. In theory.

Homer: D'oh!
Lisa: A deer!
Marge: A female deer.

Lisa: Dad! You're sinking!
Marge: Get a rope, Bart.
Homer: Nah, that's okay. I'm pretty sure I can struggle my way out. First I'll just reach in and pull my legs out. {his arms and legs are now stuck} Now I'll pull my arms out with my face.

Marge: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Homer: Yeah. Let's push him down the steps.

Marge: You know, we should really stop hiring him.

Marge: How would you like it if twenty years from now people were laughing at things you did?
Bart: Not likely.

Marge: Homer, you didn't do a very good job frosting Maggie's birthday cake!
Homer: What? It's not Maggaggie's birthday?

Marge: What about Abe Simpson? Don't you have any feelings for him?
Mother Simpson: Aw, he's a dear. But he's too much of an old fusspot.
Marge: We're all aware Grampa's problems, but compared to Mr. Burns, he's Judge freakin' Reinhold.
Mother Simpson: I don't know who that is.

Marge: If you feel so bad about yourself there's always things you can do to feel better.
Homer: Take another bath in malt liquor?
Marge: There's that.

Homer: Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain! Remember when I took that home wine-making course and forgot how to drive?
Marge: That's because you were drunk!
Homer: And how.

Homer: Look everyone! Now that I'm a teacher I've sewn patches on my elbows.
Marge: Homer that's supposed to be leather patches on a tweed jacket, not the other way around. You've ruined a perfectly good jacket.
Homer: Incorrect, Marge. Two perfectly good jackets!

Marge: Homer, I really don't like you telling personal secrets in your class.
Homer: Marge, I didn't tell them personal stuff.
Marge: Today at the Kwik-E-Mart everybody knew I dyed my hair.
Homer: Oh. You mean about you.

Season 6

Marge: Bart, are all these children friends of yours?
Bart: Friends and well-wishers, yes.

Marge: Maybe we should spend more time with Bart. He's becoming isolated and weird.

Marge: I want us to deal with the issues raised by this book. {Homer seems thoughtful, then tosses it into the fire}. I knew we shouldn't have put a fireplace in the bedroom.

Homer: I'm taking a shortcut.
Marge: Homer, no. You're gonna get lost.
Homer: Trust me, Marge! With today's modern cars you can't get lost. What with all the silicon chips and such. {after the shortcut} Alright, we're here. Let us never speak of the shortcut again.

Marge: I'm so embarrassed I wish there was a hole I could just crawl into and die.
Storm Trooper: Okay, throw her in the hole!

Homer: But Marge, I was a political prisoner!
Marge: How were you a political prisoner?
Homer: I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do I have to draw you a diagram?!

Marge: Hello once again. As usual, I must warn you all that this year's Halloween show is very, very scary, and those of you with young children may want to send them off for bed. {reading} Oh my! It seems the show is so scary that Congress won't even let us show it. Instead they've suggested the 1947 classic Glenn Ford movie, 200 Miles to Oregon.

Homer: So what do you think, Marge? All I need is a title. I was thinking along the lines of "No TV and no beer make Homer... something something."
Marge: Go crazy?
Homer: Don't mind if I do!

Marge: I guess we could get more involved in Bart's activities but then I'd be afraid of smothering him.
Homer: Yeah. And then we'd get the chair.
Marge: That's not what I meant.
Homer: It was, Marge. Admit it.

Marge: Homer, are all these pockets necessary?
Homer: They wouldn't be if you were willing to sit in the hollowed out wheelchair.

Marge: There are only forty-nine stars on that flag.
Grampa: I'll be deep in the cold cold ground before I recognize Missourah!

Marge: You know the courts might not work anymore, but as long as everyone is videotaping everyone else justice will be done!

Marge: Homer don't start stalking people again! It's so... illegal.

Marge: You know, you are a member of a very exclusive club.
Homer: Black Panthers?
Marge: No!

Marge: I'm not saying it won't work, I'm just saying it's dishonest.
Homer: Well if we agree then why are we arguing?!

Marge: You'll just have to find some other country to have relations with.

Marge: I'm glad you're okay, honey. But I wish you'd chosen a more tasteful to be patriotic.
Lisa: I'm impressed you were able to write so legibly on your own butt.

Lisa: Hi Mom!
Marge: Lisa! Hello! How are you doing in England? Remember, an elevator is called a lift, a mile is called a kilometer, and botulism is called steak and kidney pie.

Marge: You know, FOX turned into a hardcore sex channel so gradually I didn't even notice.

Lisa: Mom, I feel kind of funny wearing white. I mean... Milhouse.
Marge: Oh, Milhouse doesn't count.

Bart: Me and Santa's Little Helper used to be a team. But he never wants to play anymore since his bitch moved in.
Marge: Bart! Don't ever say that word again!
Bart: Well that's what she is. I looked it up.
Marge: Well I'm going to write the dictionary people and have that checked.

Marge: I'm worried about the kids, Homie. Lisa's becoming very obsessive. This morning I caught her trying to dissect her own rain coat.
Homer: I know. And this perpetual motion machine she made today is a joke. It just keeps going faster and faster.

Marge: Homer, will you please help me make a big deal of this.

Marge: Whatever happened to good old fashioned town pride?
Lisa: It's been going downhill ever since the lake caught fire.

Marge: This is a Springfield Isotopes hat. When you wear it, you're wearing Springfield. When you eat a fish from our river, you're eating Springfield. When you make lemonade from our trees, you're drinking Springfield!
Bart: Mom, when you give that lecture, you're boring Springfield.

Marge: This is my fault. I tried to teach Bart about town pride. But the power of my words filled him with some sort of madness.

Season 7

Marge: Can you see them?
Homer: I can see Lisa, but it might be a starfish.

Homer: Okay, I'm never going to win Father of the Year. In fact, I'm probably the last guy in the world who should have kids... wait, can I start again? Fathering children is the best part of my day. I'd do anything for Bart and Lisa.
Judge: And Margaret?
Homer: Who? Lady, you got the wrong file.
Marge: It's Maggie.
Homer: Oh! Maggie. I've got nothing against Maggie.

Marge: It feels almost feels like you're missing something. Something important.
Bart: Like I didn't have a soul?
Marge: Oh honey, you're not a monster.

Homer: Don't you ever get tired of being wrong all the time?
Marge: Sometimes.

Marge: Kids, it's time we told you the true story and put your fears to rest. It's the story of murder and revenge from beyond the grave.

Marge: Homer, where are you?
Homer: Uh, I'm somewhere where I don't know where I am.
Marge: Do you see towels? If you see towels you're probably in the linen closet again.

Marge: Bart, what happened?
Bart: Well we hit a little snag when the universe sort of collapsed on itself. But Dad seemed cautiously optimistic.
Homer: Crap!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lisa: Mom, were you ever planning to step in and put a stop to this?
Marge: Normally your father's crackpot schemes fizzle out as soon he finds something good on TV. But this season...

Marge: Those games cost up to and including seventy dollars. And they're violent and they distract you from your schoolwork.
Bart: Those are all good points. The problem is they don't result in me getting the game.

Lisa: Mom, this fake snow is making me dizzy.
Marge: We're almost finished. There's just a little bit of green left.

Marge: No, I will not pay you five hundred dollars for sex.
Homer: Oh come on, Marge! You're getting something in return and I'm getting a bowling team. It's win-win.
Marge: It's sick! And iI don't have that kind of money to spend on sex.

Bart: Mom! My slingshot doesn't fit in these pockets. And these shorts leave nothing to the imagination. These uniforms suck.
Marge: Bart! Where do you pick up words like that?
Homer on the phone: Yeah, Moe. That team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked. I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked.
Marge: Homer! Watch your mouth.
Homer to Moe: I gotta go. My damn wiener kids are listening.
Lisa: We are not wieners!
Homer: Then what are you dressed like that for?

Marge: Can we get rid of this Ayatollah t-shirt? Khomeni died years ago.
Homer: But Marge, it works on any Ayatollah! Ayatollah Nakhbadeh, Ayatollah Zahedi... Even as we speak, Ayatollah Razmara and his cadre of fanatics are consolidating their power!

Lisa: Dad, what's a muppet?
Homer: Well, it's not quite a mop, and it's not quite a puppet, but man... {laughs, then pauses}. So, to answer you question, I don't know.
Bart: Why did they make that one muppet out of leather?
Marge: That's not a puppet, that's Troy McClure.

Homer: So I realized that being with my family is more important than being cool.
Bart: Dad, what you just said was powerfully uncool.
Homer: You know what the song says: "It's hip to be square."
Lisa: That song is so lame.
Homer: So lame that it's... cool?
Bart and Lisa: No.
Marge: Am I cool, kids?
Bart and Lisa: No.
Marge: Good. I'm glad. And that's what makes me cool—not caring, right?
Bart and Lisa: No.
Marge: Well, how the hell do you be cool? I feel like we've tried everything here.
Homer: Wait, Marge. Maybe if you're truly cool, you don't need to be told you're cool.
Bart: Well, sure you do.
Lisa: How else would you know?

Marge: Well, did you call one of your friends?
Lisa: Friends? Ha! These are my only friends. Grown-up nerds like Gore Vidal. And even he's kissed more boys than I ever will.
Marge: Girls, Lisa. Boys kiss girls.

Season 8

Marge: You went into the attic? I'm very disappointed and terrified.

Lisa: My god, I've created life!
Marge: Lisa! Breakfast. We're having waffles.
Lisa: Oo! Waffles!

Marge: You know how I feel about hoaxes.
Homer: Still?!

Belle: Listen, darlin'. We're such as much a part of Springfield as the church, the library or the crazy house. So I think I'll stay right here. Neighbor.
Marge: Is that so? Well, sleazy entertainment and raunchy jokes will never be as popular as sobriety and self-denial.

Marge: I'm going into the dining room to have a conversation. Anyone who wants to join me is welcome. {leaves room) Hello Marge, how's the family? I don't want to talk about it. Mind your own business!
Homer: Keep it down in there everybody!

Marge: It's just not a dinner party without a melon baller.

Marge: Did anyone see that new Woodsy Allen movie?
Ned: You know I like his films except for that nervous fellah who's always in 'em.

Luann: From now on, forget everything you thought you knew about Luann Van Houten.
Marge: Actually, Luann, I don't really know anything about you.

Marge: I guess I'm just not comfortable in the whole idea of "investing".

Marge: Listen to your mother, kids. Aim low. Aim so low no one will even care if you succeed. Dinner's in the oven. If you want some butter it's under my face.

Lisa: What's going on outside?
Marge: Oh it's just a mob war. Go back to sleep.

Marge: I have something that I'd like to sell.
John (John Waters): Please tell me it's your hair.
Marge: No. It's an heirloom my grandmother passed down to me. A very rare old figurine from the Civil War.
Lisa: Please don't construe our ownership of this as an endorsement of slavery.
John: Hm. Well see here's the thing on this. It's a Johnny Reb bottle, early 1970s. One of the J&R Whiskey Liquor Lads. Two books of green stamps if I'm not mistaken.
Marge: Oh no. Oh no. No no no no. It's a very very old figurine.
John: No, it's a liquor bottle. See? Ah! That'll make your bull run.
Marge: Well. I guess it'll always be a monument to Grandma's secret drinking problem.

Homer: That John is the greatest guy in the world. We've gotta have him and his wife over for drinks sometime.
Marge: Mmm, I don't think he's married, Homer.
Homer: Oh, a swinging bachelor, eh? Well, there's lots of foxy ladies out there.
Marge: Homer, didn't John seem a little... festive to you?
Homer: Couldn't agree more. Happy as a clam!
Marge: He prefers the company of men!
Homer: Who doesn't!
Marge: Homer, listen carefully. John is a ho... mo...
Homer: Right.
Marge: ...sexual.
Homer: Augh!

Homer: He didn't give you gay did he? Did he?
Marge: Oh geez Louise. You don't even know what you're worried about anymore.

John: And Helen Lovejoy. Sure she looks blonde, but I've heard cuffs and collar don't match if you get my drift.
Marge: I don't, but I loved hearing it.

Marge: You feel softer than before.
Homer: I've been tenderized.

Moe: I was calling for Reverend Lovejoy. Who's this?
Marge: Ah, well... this is the Listen Lady.
Moe: Yeah? Well listen, lady.

Season 9

Marge: Marge, name one successful person who ever lived without air conditioning.
Homer: Balzac.
Marge: No need for potty mouth just because you can't think of one.

Marge: Let's come to our senses, everyone. This witch hunt is turning into a circus.

Selma: You know, scaring people into giving us treats is fun. We should do this every year.
Marge: I just wish we hadn't filled up on all those kids before we got to the Flanders.

Marge: Homer, we've got to get out of here.
Homer: Oh! But I want to do some rioting.

Marge: Homer! I don't want guns in my house! Don't you remember when Maggie shot Mr. Burns?
Homer: I thought Smithers did it.
Lisa: That would have made more sense.

Marge: You know, Homer, it's very easy to criticize.
Homer: Fun too.

Marge: You shouldn't pressure Bart like that.
Homer: Well if you know a better way for me to live through my son I'd like to hear it.

Marge: I've been looking over this list of things for the ceremony. I've got the extra wine glasses, but I'm still short a Tandoori oven, an elephant and four castrati.
Bart: What's a castrati?
Marge: I don't know, but I'm sure it's spicy.

Marge: I don't know. There's something very peculiar about this.
Homer: Geesh! You're the most paranoid family I've ever been affiliated with.

Marge: My poor Lisa. If you can't make a leap of faith now and then... well. I feel sorry for you.
Lisa: Don't feel sorry for me, Mom. I feel sorry for you.

Bart: Why are we getting dressed up, Mom? Are we going to Black Angus?
Marge: Well, you might say we're going to the best steak house in the universe.
Bart: So we're not going to Black Angus.

Marge: Well I guess you were right, honey. But you have to admit, when that angel started to talk, you were squeezing my hand pretty hard.
Lisa: Well it was just so loud, and.... Thanks for squeezing back.
Marge: Anytime, my angel.

Marge: Who knew that Lee Marvin could do such marvelous splits.
Lisa: He's dreamy.

Marge: Homer, you sing all the time.
Homer: No I don't. I hate to rhyme!

Homer: The experts say that if you want an animal to do something you should do it yourself first to show them how.
Marge: I'm not going to the bathroom in the backyard.
Homer: Pfft. Sorry, Your Majesty.

Homer: You better not be in my ass groove!
Marge: Homer!
Homer: It took me years to forge that groove.

Marge: Now, how are we going to get my Homey back?
Willie: I'll kidnap him for fifty, deprogram him for a hundred, and I'll kill him for five hundred.
Marge: No no no. Just the first two.
Willie: Alright. I'll throw in the killin' for free.

Marge: Is that my good butter?
Homer: Can't discuss that now, Marge. I have to write another delicious memo. Mmm... memo...

Marge: Simpson gene? That's just foolishness!
Grampa: No, baldness too.

Marge: That's what I call break neck speed!
Bart: Mom, a man just died.

Season 10

Homer: Marge, if you don't mind I'm a little busy now achieving financial independence.
Marge: Through cans of grease?
Homer: No. Through savings and wise investment. Of course with grease!

Marge: Lisa, I made you some homemade Pepsi for the dance. It's a little thick, but the price is right!

Marge: I brought you a tuna sandwich. They say it's brain food. I guess because there's so much dolphin in there.

Homer: Close your eyes, Marge. {he fires the makeup gun} Now you're ready for a night on the town.
Marge: Homer, you've got it set on whore.

Homer: Oh! I hate folding sheets.
Marge: That's your underwear.
Homer: Well whatever it is, it's a two-man job.

Marge: What do you think he's doing up there?
Homer: I dunno, drug lab?
Marge: Drug lab!
Homer: Or reading comic books. What am I, Kreskin?

Marge: It's almost as if he's murdering from beyond the grave.
Lisa: I told you capital punishment wasn't a deterrent.

Lisa: Of course. The transplant. Somehow Snake's hair must be controlling—
Marge: Oh please, Lisa. Everyone's already figured that out.

Homer: Is there anything you can prescribe, Doctor?
Dr. Hibbert: Fire. And lots of it.
Marge: Oh that's your cure for everything.

Marge: Homer, Kang is Maggie's father.
Homer: You intergalactic hussy! How could you?

Kang: Insemination complete.
Marge: Really? That seemed awful quick.
Kang: What are you implying?

Marge: I can't believe it. Jerry Springer didn't solve our conflict.
Lisa: And now he's dead.

Homer: Homer Simpson does not lie twice on the same form! He never has and he never will.
Marge: You lied dozens of times on our mortgage application.
Homer: Yeah, but they were all part of a single ball of lies.

Bart: Mom, can we go Catholic so we get Communion wafers and booze?
Marge: No! No one's going Catholic. Three children is enough, thank you.

Marge: It's so nice to have a peaceful weekend together.
Lisa: Yeah, I'm bored too.

Announcer: The start of television's second most exciting season—mid-season!—is just two hundred exciting seconds away.
Homer: Car?
Marge: Locked.
Homer: Phone?
Lisa: Unplugged.
Homer: Dog? Cat?
Bart: Taped and corked.
Homer: Perfect.

Marge: Your character provides the comic relief. Like, oh... Marlo Brando in Apocalypse Now.

Marge: You changed your name without consulting me?
Homer: That's the way Max Power is, Marge. Decisive. Uncompromising. And rude.

Marge: But I fell in love with Homer Simpson. I don't want to snuggle with Max Power.
Homer: Nobody snuggles with Max Power. You strap yourself in and feel the G's.

Homer: I used to take out ads like that when we were newlyweds.
Marge: The only ad you took out was to sell our lawnmower.
Homer: We sold it, didn't we?

Homer: Everybody's marriage is falling apart except ours. See, the problem's communication. Too much communication.
Marge: Homer, I've gone through seven years of receipts. And you've spent less on gifts for me than you have on temporary tattoos.

Marge: Come on, Homer, Japan will be fun. You like Rashomon.
Homer: That's not how I remember it. Besides, if we want to see Japanese people we could have gone to the zoo!
Marge: Homer!
Homer: What? The guy who washes the elephants is Japanese. His name is Takashi. He's in my book club!

Season 11

Marge: Good Lord! He's gotten into the pep closet.
Homer: I'd say he's coming out of the pep closet.

Marge: Only your father could take a part-time job at a small town paper and wind up the target of international assassins.

Lisa: Oo! I want to get the Krünk.
Marge: You don't want something that overshadows the pencils. How about this "Pöpli"?
Lisa: Mom, no! Everyone at school picks on the Pöpli kids. Even I do! I just hate them so much.

Marge: Maggie loves baby talk.
Manjula (Jan Hooks): That was Hindi.

Homer: Man, the last nine months sure were crazy.
Bart: I'll say. I learned the true meaning of Columbus Day.
Marge: I enjoyed a brief but memorable stint as Sideshow Marge.
Lisa: I became the most popular girl in school. But blew it by being conceited.
Bart: And then I learned the true meaning of winter.

Marge: Could you at least tell me what you're planning to do with me?
Meat Hook (John Goodman): Oh, don't worry, you're safe. None of us find you sexually attractive.
Marge: None of you? really? I could have sworn that Ram Rod— Well, did you see that picture of me in... ?
Meat Hook: Sorry.
Marge: Well good. I guess.

Meat Hook: There's only one reasonable way to settle this. You and me in the Circle of Death.
Marge: Oh. I just swept the Circle of Death.

Bart: You know what our homework is? Find a toy and bring it to class.
Marge: Boy, that sounds fun.
Bart: I know! But I'm still not gonna do it.

Lisa: Mom! Dad's on PBS!
Marge: Mmm. They don't show police chases, do they?

Marge: From now on one of us always stays home.
Lisa: Agreed.

Rev. Lovejoy: I suggested missionary work and he jumped at the idea.
Marge: Missionary work?
Bart: He's dead, isn't he?

Marge: We're not giving you money.
Bart: Oh! But I want some.

Marge: Homer, look! We're invited to Otto's wedding. {she opens the invite} Oo, and such delicate tissue paper. Huh. "Zig Zag".

Marge: Nobody told us how tough it is to raise kids. They almost drove me to fortified wine.
Homer: Then we figured out we could park them in front of the TV. That's how I was raised and I turned out TV.

Marge: Okay, the material was a little corny, but Homer and I had real chemistry on screen.
Homer: Every day I thought about firing Marge. You know, just to shake things up.

Marge: I learned something. When people reach for their diaphragm, they don't want to see my picture.

Season 12

Homer: Who cut out Beetle Bailey? I need my Miss Buxley fix.
Marge: I don't like you ogling her! Why don't you read Cathy? She's hilarious.
Homer: Eh. Too much baggage.

Dr. Hibbert: Another broccoli-related death.
Marge: But I thought broccoli was—
Dr. Hibbert: Oh yes. One of the deadliest plants on Earth. Why, it tries to warn you itself with its terrible taste.

Marge: Well I've got a whole list of chores. Clean the garage, paint the house—
Homer: Woah woah woah. I'm just trying to get in. I'm not running for Jesus.

Homer: I lost my job as an oaf today.
Marge: What? Oh why are the oafs the first to go?
Bart: Maybe you could be a dunce, Father.

Dr. Nick Riviera: With my diet you can eat all you want anytime you want.
Marge: And you'll lose weight?
Dr. Nick Riviera: Ah, you might. It's a free country!

Marge: Maybe we should talk to a financial planner.
Homer: Financial panther, eh? {he imagines it} Heh heh heh. I'm on board.

Marge: What are you doing? Why are you frosting that old throw pillow?
Homer: I could ask you the very same question!
Marge: Mm. Should I just back out of the room?
Homer: Would you?

Marge: Ready for the circus, Homer?
Homer: The circus?
Lisa: Le Cirque de Purée. We've had tickets since septembre.
Homer: But I want to watch Brett Favre!

Marge: They always pick the guy with the wires.

Marge: This is terrible! How will the kids get home?
Homer: I dunno. Internet?

Homer: I have a great way to solve our money woes. You rent your womb to a rich childless couple. If you agree, signify by getting indignant.
Marge: Are you crazy? I'm not going to be a surrogate mother.
Homer: C'mon, Marge. We're a team. It's uter-US, not uter-YOU.
Marge: Forget it!

Marge: Lisa, a missing crayon could be anywhere.
Homer jumps through the window
Homer: Who wants lottery tickets?
Marge: Okay, it's in his brain.

Lisa: Hey, Grampa's running.
Marge: That's not Grampa. Dad's just dehydrated.

Lisa: There's something weird about this video.
Marge: None of those girls has had three kids, I can tell you that..
Lisa: No, something else.

Marge: Homer! You're still here? You should have left for work an hour ago.
Homer: They said if I come in late again I'm fired. I can't take that chance.

Saleswoman: Your baby is dead!
Homer and Marge: What?!
Saleswoman: That's what you'd hear if your baby fell victim to the thousands of deathtraps lurking in the average American home.
Marge: "Springfield Baby Proofers"
Homer: You really scared us there.
Saleswoman: Sorry about that. But the truth is, your baby, Maggie Simpson, is dead! Dead tired of baby-proofers who don't provide a free estimate. Let's start in the kitchen.

Saleswoman: Now. Pretend I'm a baby.
Homer aside to Marge: That's a pretty big caboose for a baby.
Marge: Homer, don't be— Wow. That is huge.

Homer: That baby proofing crook wanted to sell us covers for the electrical outlets. But I'll just draw bunny faces on them to scare Maggie away.
Marge: She's not afraid of bunnies.
Homer: She will be.

Marge: Wow. Three pairs of shoes. Someone had a fetish.

Apu: Hello. I would like to take advantage of your baby prison.
Marge: We're calling it day care.
Apu: Yes, whatever.

Season 13

They try the Dennis Miller Ultrahouse 3000 Voice:
Lisa: Isn't the the voice that caused all those suicides?
Marge: Murder-suicides.

Marge: I love our court days.
Lisa: It's about the only thing we do as a family anymore.

Marge: Oh... He's leaving her with five babies.
Bart: She already ate three.
Marge: Hm. That's sensible.

Marge: This is the worst thing you've ever done!
Homer: You say that so much it's lost all meaning.

Reverend Lovejoy: People, we need some fundraising ideas.
Marge: Let's just write to David Bowie again.
Reverend Lovejoy: No, he's done enough for this church.

Marge: I'm Marge Simpson. Long-time customer. First time complainer.
Garth Motherloving (Ben Stiller): Hey Marge. I'm not up on the current slang, but do the kids still say, "Get the hell out of my office."?

Homer: Wait. You went to a sugar factory? Were there Oompa Loompas?
Marge: There was one in a cage. But he wasn't moving.

Marge: It's so clean and bland. I'm home!

Marge: I see you drive on the left up here.
Driver: No ma'am. I'm drunk.

Lindsay Naegle: Hello, I'm your customer service rep, Lindsey Naegle.
Marge: We've met you many time, Miss Naegle. Why do you keep changing jobs?
Lindsay Naegle: I'm a sexual predator.

Marge: It says here we can get anywhere we want by joining a Conga line.

Marge: Homer, why are you laughing?
Brazilian Kidnapper: He has the Stockholm Syndrome.

Marge: Homer, I'm very uncomfortable having a gang of crows in our bedroom.
Homer: It's a murder, honey. A group of crows is called a murder.
Marge: I'm sleeping on the couch.

Marge: Where did you get that suit?
Homer: Woah! Woah! One question at a time.

Marge: Now before we get there, you have to put this blindfold on.
Homer: All my other senses are getting sharper! Bart, you had pizza for lunch. Lisa, you're extremely depressed.

Marge: Homer, these people are professional roasters. Don't give them fodder.

Homer to Marge: Why do you always take the side of local merchants?

Marge: Well then who shot all the gangsters?
Homer: I must have a guardian angel. With a rifle.

Season 14

Marge: These are horrible ghouls from the past.
Homer: Hey, so are the Grammy judges.

Marge: I couldn't even wake you up for work this morning. I had to tell Mr. Burns you had violent diarrhea.
Homer: Oh! Couldn't you come up with a less embarrassing lie?
Marge: But you did have violent diarrhea. Nobody open the hallway closet until I say it's okay.

Marge: Homey, are you as attracted to me as you were when we met?
Homer: Sure. Why not.

Marge: Can't beat a skybox. All the excitement of being in the sky with the security of being in a box.

Marge: We are not staying at Moe's! Maggie's already drunk on the fumes. And she's a mean drunk.

Homer: "Your family is invited to a free weekend at Stagnant Springs Spa."
Marge: Oo. That place is famous. It's where J Lo hit P Diddy upside the head with Gary Coleman.

Marge: I don't think this was a great place to bring the children.
Lisa: It still beats Disney's California Adventure.

Marge: These are Homer's friends and family. They don't want him dead. They just want him to suffer.

Marge: Oh no, I pepper sprayed Ralph!
Ralph: Even my boogers are spicy.

Ruth Powers: Steroids aren't drugs. They occur naturally in the body. Like sweat. Or tumors.
Marge: But aren't there side effects?
Ruth Powers: Yes! Their main side effect is greatness.

Marge: I didn't sacrifice my period for second place!

Marge: Aren't you afraid you might be incurring God's wrath?
Homer: Eh. God's cool.
Marge: See, I don't know that he is.

Marge: I can't count how many time's your father has done something crazy.
Lisa looking at ticker: It's 300, Mom!
Marge: I could've sworn it was 302.
Lisa: Shhh!

Marge: Today's book is Bridget Jones' Diary. Now let's go around the room and analyze why we didn't read it.
Edna: Cramps.
Mrs. Skinner: All my friends are dead.
Luanne: Well then, I guess it's time for margaritas!
Sara Sloane: Well I wish someone had read the book, since I did invite the author, Helen Fielding.

Marge: Not the swear jar. It's the only thing holding back the filth. {the swear jar breaks} Nutty fudgkins.

Homer: I guess there's only one way out of our problems. A murder-suicide pact.
Marge: How can you say that!
Homer: It's just an expression, Marge.

Marge: Homey, don't let it get you down. So Mr. Burns doesn't take you seriously. Big whoop. Who gives a doodle. Whoopie ding dong doo.
Homer: Thanks for trying, but I'll be at Moe's.
Marge: So my husband goes to a bar every night. Whoopety-do. Who gives a bibble. Gabba gabba hey.

Marge: I am so sick of that song!
Homer: Me too. I've come to hate my own creation. Now I know how God feels.

Marge: Homey, I'm worried about how fast our kids are growing up.
Homer: It's the beef hormones and the fluorescent lights. What're you gonna do.

Marge: The Amish are so industrious. Not like those shiftless Mennonites.

Lisa: Why does a dog have human girlfriends?
Marge: People do crazy things in ads. Like eat at Arby's.

Homer: Prepare the celebration ham!
Marge: All we have are the earthquake ham and the condolence ham.
Homer: Marge, they're just hams, okay?

Marge: Kids, that show's not life-affirming. We're going to watch a show about the everyday problems of angels.

Homer: I never knew you were such a Beatles fan.
Ned: Of course I am. They were bigger than Jesus. But your boy went Yoko and broke up my collection.
Bart: Hey, boys will be boys.
Marge: I am so tired of that tautology.

Homer: How come Lisa always gets to pick the family activity?
Lisa: Because I know every time you say, "Pick a number from one to ten" it's always seven.
Homer: That's because there were seven Apostles.
Marge: No. There were twelve.
Homer: Wow. That's a big staff. And still he wasn't that funny.

Season 15

Grampa ignited by a flaming log: I'm still cold.
Marge: Would everyone please stop fighting and burning.

Marge: I really shouldn't be here. I have a problem with games of chance. I played Candyland with Maggie and ended up throwing vodka in her face.

Marge: Honey, you could be popular. You've just got to be yourself. In a whole new way.

Marge: I guess it's just to much for me to ask for one vacation where we don't go to jail or to a condo sales pitch.

Marge: That was very sweet of the Queen, letting you go in exchange for taking Madonna back to America.

Homer: Check it out, ladies. The suit that makes me completely invulnerable to bear attacks.
Marge: Homer, there's no rear on that thing.
Homer: I know. If I get scared I don't wanna ruin the suit.

Homer: Can't you yell at me now and get it over with?
Marge: No! I'm going to parcel my anger out over the next few days and weeks, jabbing at you just when you seem the most content.

Homer: TV and Nightmares have joined forces to teach me a lesson. From now on I will stop being selfish and start being good. In fact, I'll be the nicest man in town.
Marge: You've made that promise before.
Homer: Yeah, but this time I'm sober. -Ish.

Marge: You're my rock, Homey.
Homer: And I promise this rock is going to weigh you down for the rest of your life.

Marge: Long-time reader, first time stander-upper!

Marge: History's like an amusement park. Except instead of rides you have dates to memorize.

Marge: How did you get her out?
Lisa: I tried the coat hanger again. I don't understand why we can only try ideas once.

Marge: Hostess Twinkies?
Homer: I heard if you age them for ten years, they turn to liquor.

Artie Ziff (Jon Lovitz): I had nowhere to go. So I came here because Marge is the closest thing I've ever had to true love.
Marge: We had one date! And you were not a gentleman.

Marge: My husband's going to jail and it's all your fault. Do you know why no one likes you?
Artie Ziff: Anti-semitism?

Marge: Artie, thank you for doing the right thing. Eventually.

Marge: Shame on you two creeps!
Bart: It's your fault for giving birth to my archenemy.
Lisa: At least I was planned!
Marge: Stop it! No one was planned.

Marge: Bart, stop fooling with the remote!
Bart: Lisa made me with a witches spell.
Lisa: It's called Wicca and it's empowering.
Bart
: Wicca's a Hollywood fad.
Lisa: That's Kaballah, jerk!

Marge: I'm looking up your nose, but I feel like I'm staring into your soul.

Etiquette Instructor: Well done. I'd be proud if you grew up to be my husband's mistress.
Marge: Thank you.

Season 16

Marge: This is the most exciting scandal since the Juice was on the loose.
Lisa: The Juice is still on the loose.
Marge: Augh!

Marge: I don't see Lisa in any of the seminars.
Homer: And I'm growing ashamed of my penis.

Marge: I like shirts with a nice joke. Like "Support Our Troops."
Homer: Bart's shirt is a classic, Marge. Just like "Keep on Truckin'." As if I would ever want to stop truckin'.

Moe: Marge my customers don't like themselves. Therefore they seek the darkness.
Marge: Well as fabulous as your regulars are, a remodel might bring in a high class of lush.
Moe: Look, I like Moe's the way it is, all right? And I ain't changin' it for any dame, skirt, Suzy-Q or face-macer.

Marge: Rap music belongs in the rubbish bin. It encourages punching, boastfulness and rudeness to hos.
Bart: Step off, Mom. Rap is the poetry of the street.
Marge: Well you are not going to any concert that propagates street talk.

Insurance Agent: Are you a smoker?
Homer: Yes I am.
Marge: You don't smoke!
Homer: Sh. I want her to think I'm cool.

Bart: Budget-O's?
Marge: That's right. It's much less expensive than the leading clown-based cereal. You just have to assemble it yourself.

Marge: Don't leave now. The next piece is an atonal medley by Phillip Glass.

Marge: Homer, maybe you could ask Mr. Burns for a raise.
Homer: Even better, I'll ask him for my job back!

Bart: I feel like something crawled inside me a took a crap.
Marge: Bart, don't use that word. I— Crap.

Marge: What language is this? Gibby Gabby?
Bart: It's Albanian. But the producers added subtitles to make it "commercial".
Lisa: Mom! I don't wanna read. It's the weekend! {he pulls his shirt over his head}

Marge: Bart, don't make fun of grad students. They just made a terrible life choice.

Marge: Bart I'm glad you had fun, but I wouldn't get too into that Catholic church. With all the sitting and standing and kneeling. It's like Simon Says without a winner.
Bart: Mom! That's blasphemy! I'll say the Rosary for you.
Marge: Don't you touch bead one!

Marge: Homer, you've been out all night. And you look like you've accepted someone as your personal something.

Season 17

Marge: Homer, don't touch her. You've never had chicken pox.
Homer: I know and you did. And you're great.
Marge: No, I'm just saying it's very dangerous if you get it as an adult. It could leave you sterile. Down there.
Homer: You always gotta work blue, doncha Marge? You're better than that.

Marge: Oh boy, I'm beat. If you want to return a melon to the grocery store, clear your day.

Bart: No fair! Dad gets to shoot wild animals. But I kill one bird and I have to go to a psychiatrist.
Marge: Mm. He still thinks that hobo was a bird.

Homer: You want me to ride a whatsicle built for who?
Marge: A tandem bike!

Marge: I'm a little worried. This part of the county is unincorporated. Just to be safe I'm going to dial 9-1 on my cell phone.

Tammy (Lily Tomlin): How 'bout that wind! I don't know how you keep your hair so perfect.
Marge: Johnson's Water Seal.
Tammy: My name's Tammy. And these are my friends. The Cheery Red Tomatoes.

Marge: Sweetie, if someone's bullying you, you should tell your teacher.
Bart: But it's the teacher who's bullying me.
Marge: Well tell your regular bully. He won't like it one bit.

Marge: Would you like to spend the night with us?
Willie: I don' need your charity! As long as I've got a pan over me head.
Marge: That's not a pan. It's a colander.
Willie: Ah, so that's where me soup went.

Marge: Homey, what's that? On the back of your head?
Homer: It's called headvertising. It creates brand awareness without relying on traditional media.
Marge: Well it creeps me out. Homer turns off the light Wow. It glows in the dark.
Homer confused: It's not supposed to.

Reverend Lovejoy: This fundraiser is close to achieving the Lord's goal. Building a taller steeple than the one on that snooty Episcopal church across the street.
Marge: Reverend, why do we really need this?
Reverend Lovejoy: To compensate for my own sense of smallness.

Marge: Here's my mask. I'm a Star Wars!

Marge: What are you doing, Homer?
Homer: I'm signing us up for a reality show where we trade you to another family.
Marge: Wow, that could be interesting. Or it could damage many many lives.

Charles (Ricky Gervais): Marge, I love you. And I can tell by your basic level of courtesy that you love me too.
Marge: What? No!

Marge: ...Since then, I haven't been able to do any of the Calculus I've encountered in my daily life.

Season 18

Marge: Car pool, Nelson!
Nelson: Just a sec. I gotta finish my science project {he throws a rock at a squirrel}. Woah. Squirrels don't like rocks.

Bart: So how did Malt Liquor Mommy die?
Marge: Stop calling her that!
Lenny: I'll tell you how she died. You know that sign that says, "Do not stand up on the roller coaster"?
Bart: Yeah.
Lenny: She overdosed right in front of it.
Marge: Low class all the way.
Homer: Marge, could you let it go? You won. She's dead.

Marge: What are those noises? They sounded zoological!

Marge: Homer! Our son joined the army!
Homer: Eh. Big deal. By the time Bart's eighteen we're gonna control the world. We're China, right?

Marge: Homer! Don't drink and drive.
Homer: Fine. I'll drive between sips.

Bart about Nelson's party: Mom, I can't go. No one else is.
Marge: Well if no one else jumped off the Empire State building, would you not jump?
Bart: Kind of?

Homer about Gil: Why did you let that loser into our home?
Marge: I'll tell you why: Christian charity.
Homer: Christian Charity? What does a porn star have to do with this?

Young Marge: Homer is so amazing! He can chug beer and pitch woo at the same time.

Marge: Bart, this is all we can afford for now. If it doesn't work maybe when you're an adult you can pay some lady to make you happy for an hour.
Bart: You know, I think I will.

Marge: And all this time I thought "Googling yourself" meant the other thing.

Marge: Wow! It's like a Renaissance Fair but without all the chubby couple.

Marge: What are you kids doing up so late?
Lisa: It's seven am.
Marge: I was on the computer all night!
Bart: Actually, it's Saturday.
Marge: I played a day and a night!
Lisa: Bart, it's not Saturday.
Bart: Sh!

Lisa: I can't believe you listened to this magazine. It's a Larry Flynt publication.
Marge: Lisa, stop reading mastheads.
Lisa: I can't. I won't!

Marge: Maybe we should split up.
Homer: Marge! No! We can fix this marriage!

Marge: If someone did eat Bart's shorts they'd have a tummy-full of pocket garbage.

Season 19

Lisa: There must be a web site that can help you with a clingy baby.
Marge: I don't want to bother the internet with my problem.

Bart: We can say these swears anytime we want because they're in the Bible.
Milhouse: I don't think Leviticus is a swear.
Bart: Shut the hell up, you damn ass whore!
Marge: Bart?
Bart: Uh oh {hides Bible}
Marge: I'm starting to worry about your father.
Bart: Well I know he seems to get dumber every year but lately he's plateaued.

Marge: You have to be there. You miss way too many precious moments in the children's lives.
Homer: What? Name twelve.
Bart: Well, just this week there's been field day, pick me up from airport—
Lisa: And the father-daughter dance!

Marge: Homer, you can not miss Lisa's big day. And you have to come sober!
Homer: American sober or Irish sober?
Marge: .08 sober!
Homer: .15!
Marge: .09!
Homer: .10. With a stomach full of bread. Final offer.

Marge: Homer, I'm a hostage in a bank robbery!
Homer: What? Oh my god! My sweet Margie! Okay, listen very carefully: don't do anything they say, remain panicky, and above all try to be a hero.

Marge: Can't anyone just watch the show they're watching!

Marge: You're a killer for hire!
Homer: You ruined that pie!

Marge: Stop naming things!

Nelson: There's a time for crumping. And this isn't it.
Marge: I'll crump with you, Sweetie Pie.

Marge: What are you hiding from me? Is it chocolate?
Homer: It used to be.

Marge: We wouldn't be in this trouble if you'd just pay the heating bill.
Homer: I thought Global Warming would take care of it. Al Gore can't do anything right!

Marge: Are you saying that America was founded on misconceptions?

Professor August: Look at that lighthouse. That's the ultimate expression of phallocentric technocracy violating Mother Sky.
Marge: I thought they were just tall so boats could see them.
Professor August: No Marge. Everything penis-shaped is bad.

Marge: So how was your outside time?
Lisa: We were never outside! We were here all day!
Marge: That quick talking is never a good sign.
Lisa: That's usually true but in this case it's not.

Lisa: I didn't know you cared about ballet.
Marge
: Lisa, have I ever shown you my shattered dreams box?
Lisa: No.
Marge: It's upstairs in my disappointment closet.

Marge: Homey, I'm going to be a dancer!
Homer: Go-Go or boring?
Marge: Boring!
Homer: Oh.

Marge: I'm used to buying my critters pre-made. How does your store differ?

Season 20

Denis Leary: Can I give you some advice?
Marge: Of course! You're Denis Leary.
Denis Leary: Give your kid back the phone, but first activate its built-in GPS system. That way you can log on to your carrier's web site and track your son's movements. The way I track every actor who gets a movie that I was up for.
Marge: Shouldn't you just be happy for their success?
Denis Leary: I should be a lot of things, lady.

Lisa: Guess what, mom? I'm a cruciverbalist!
Marge: Another religion? You know you're just going to drop the whole thing when you go to college and get a Jewish boyfriend.

Marge: Homer that's very nice of you having Bart's Muslim friend's Muslim family over.
Homer: Here's the plan. You keep them drunk. I'll be listening. And quietly judging.

Marge: You're teaching Bart a terrible lesson of intolerance!
Homer: I'm sorry. It's just so fun and easy to judge people based on their religion.
Marge: I want you to go over to their house and apologize.
Homer: But we're the more powerful country for a few more years!

Marge: How about a family outing?
Bart: A family outing? I'll start. Lisa's gay!

Marge to herself: Wait a second Marge. Do you really want to use your baby as a tool to spy on your husband?
Lisa: Yes you do.
Marge: I wasn't talking to you.
Lisa: When you say it, it's not just in your head.

Marge: Sorry, but I know God would never ask a mother to sacrifice her child for the good of the world. pause Again.

Lisa: Looks like Maggie wants a story too.
Marge: Oo! The Fountainhead.
Lisa: Isn't that book the bible of right-wing losers?
Mrs. Skinner: Yeah, but the guy on the book jacket is one sexy slice of beefcake.

Marge: You lost your job?
Homer: It's not my fault! Those Ogdenville guys plied me with their native liquers and liquors. But mostly liquers.
Marge: Poor Homey! And you with your alcoholism.
Homer: Yeah.