Patty: It's almost nine o'clock.
Selma: Where is Homer anyway?
Patty: It's so typical of the big doofus to spoil it all.
Lisa: What, Aunt Patty?
Patty: Oh nothing, dear. I'm just trashing your father.
Lisa: Well, I wish that you wouldn't. Because, aside from the fact that he has the same frailties as all human beings, he's the only father I have. Therefore, he is my model of manhood, and my estimation of him will govern the prospects of my adult relationships. So I hope you bear in mind that any knock at him is a knock at me. And I am far too young to defend myself against such onslaughts.
Patty: Mm hm. Go watch your cartoon show, dear.

Lisa: Here's a good job at the fireworks factory.
Homer: Those perfectionists? Forget it.

Homer: Okay, now look. My boss is going to be at this picnic so I want you to show your father some love and/or respect.
Lisa: Tough choice.
Bart: I'm picking respect.

Lisa: You're sending us to a doctor that advertises on pro-wrestling?
Homer: Boxing, honey, boxing. There's a world of difference.

Lucille Botz (Penny Marshall): You're a smart young man, Bart. I hope you're smart enough to keep your mouth shut.
Lisa: He isn't.

Lisa: Prayer. The last refuge of a scoundrel.

Lisa: I heard you last night, Bart. You prayed for this. Now your prayers have been answered. I'm no theologian. I don't know who or what God is exactly. All I know is he's a force more powerful than Mom and Dad put together and you owe him big.

Lisa: It chose to destroy itself rather than lie with us. You can't help but feel a little rejected.

Bart: Are we scared yet?
Lisa: Bart! He's establishing mood.

Bart: You throw like my sister, man!
Lisa: Yeah! You throw like me!

Dancin' Homer: Well I'm ready to punch in!
Bart: Woah. Hey. Cool, man.
Lisa: Our lives have taken an odd turn.

Lisa: We're simple people with simple values. Capitol City is too big, too complex. Everyone in Springfield knows us. And has forgiven us.

Lisa: I'm studying for the Math Fair. If I win I'll bring home a protractor.
Homer: Too bad we don't live on a farm.

Lisa: Why do I get the feeling that someday I'll be describing this to a psychiatrist?

Lisa: Mom, I poured my heart into that centerpiece. Things like that always happen in this family.
Bart: I noticed that too.

Lisa: Dad, I think that's pretty spurious.
Homer: Well thank you honey!

Lisa: Aunt Selma, do you think you'll ever get married?
Selma: Why? Do you know someone?

Lisa: This is a rather shameless promotion.
Bart: Hey, it worked on me.
Lisa: Me too.

Lisa: Three: you seem to be of the Jewish faith.
Mr. Bergstrom (Sam Etic/Dustin Hoffman): Are you sure I'm Jewish?
Lisa: Or Italian.
Mr. Bergstrom: I'm Jewish.

Lisa: I'm sorry I called you a baboon, Dad.
Homer: Think nothing of it.

Bart: I wonder how Richie died.
Lisa: Perhaps he realized how hollow the pursuit of money is and took his own life

Lisa: Meditations on Turning Eight by Lisa Simpson
I had a cat named Snowball. She died! She died!
Mom said she was sleeping. She lied! She lied!
Why oh why is my cat dead? Couldn't that Chrysler hit me instead?
I had a hamster named Snuffy. He died—
Homer: No deal.

Homer: Every time you get a million dollars something queers the deal.
Lisa: I don't think real checks have exclamation points.
Marge: Well at least we got a free sample of Reading Digest.
Homer: Marge, I've never read a magazine in my life and I'm not going to start now.

Lisa: "I will iron your sheets when you iron out the inequities in your labor laws." Amen, sister.

Homer: Here's good news. According to this eye-catching article, SAT scores are declining at a slower rate.
Lisa: Dad, think this paper is a flimsy hodgepodge of high-brass factoids and Larry King.
Homer: Hey, this is the only paper in America that's not afraid to tell the truth. That everything is just fine.

Marge: How are you enjoying your ham, Homey?
Homer: It's so bitter it's like acid in my mouth.
Marge: Mm. It's actually more of a honey glaze.
Lisa: Maybe you ate a clove!

Lisa: Poor Krusty. He's like black velvet painting come to life.

Homer: What a dump! Why would Princess Grace live in a place like this?
Lisa: Dad, that's Monaco.
Homer: D'oh!

Lisa: I wish for world peace.
Homer: Lisa that was very selfish of you!

Lisa: All the years I've wanted to be treated like an adult have blown up in my face.

Homer: Lisa, your father needs your help. Do you know anything about Germany?
Lisa: Well, its a country in Europe.
Homer: Good, good, I'm learning.
Lisa: One of the economic powers of the world.
Homer: Because we send them money?

Homer: So who do you like in the afternoon game?
Lisa: Well, I like the 49ers because they're pure of heart. Seattle because they got something to prove, and the Raiders because they always cheat.

Homer: So... do you think the Redskins will beat the spread?
Lisa: Put me down. Look, Dad. I'll tell you who's going to win the Superbowl if you want me to, but it'll just validate my theory that you cared more about winning money than you did about me.
Homer: Okay.
Lisa: I pick Washington as a mortal lock.
Homer: Washington! Woo hoo!
Lisa: However.
Homer: However? What do you mean, "however"? "However" what?
Lisa: However. I may also be so clouded with rage that subconsciously I want you to lose. In which case, I bet the farm on Buffalo.
Homer: Lisa, do me a favor. Complete this sentence: "Daddy should bet all his money on—"
Lisa: I don't know. If I still love you, Washington. If I don't, Buffalo.

Lisa: Bart, who's winning?
Bart: "You hate Dad" is up by a touchdown.

Bart: I guess you love Dad.
Lisa: I suspected as much.

Maggie grabs onto the doorframe and refuses to go with Patty and Selma
Lisa: Wish I'd thought of that.

Lisa: "And anytime I hear the wind blow it will whisper the name Edna."
Marge: Oo! That's very good, Lisa.
Homer: "P.S. I am gay."

Bart: If you don't watch the violence you'll never get desensitized to it.
Lisa: Just tell me when the scary part's over.

Otto: Better fasten your seatbelts, little dudes.
Lisa: We don't have seatbelts.
Otto: Well then... just try to go limp.

Lisa: This award is the biggest farce I ever saw!
Bart: What about the Emmys?
Lisa: I stand corrected.

Lisa: I feel like I'm going to die, Bart.
Bart: We're all going to die, Lis.
Lisa: I meant soon.
Bart: So did I.

Bart: Wow, she can fly!
Lisa: I think it's supposed to symbolize her descent into madness.

Lisa: I'm hideous.
Marge: Lisa, I know a song that will cheer you up. {singing} There once was an ugly duckling—
Lisa: So you think I'm ugly?
Marge: No! No, I meant you were one of the good looking ducks. That... makes fun of the ugly one. Mm.

Contestant 1: Did you see Tina Epstein?
Contestant 2: Woah. If you're going to binge you better purge.
Contestant 1: Uh oh.
Contestant 2: Amber Dempsey.
Contestant 1: In the same week she was Pork Princess and Little Miss Kosher.
Lisa: She's beautiful.
Contestant 2: Wait, she's about to bring out the big guns.
Contestant 1: Eyelash implants.
Lisa: I thought those were illegal.
Contestant 1: Not in Paraguay.

Lisa: Bart! You cast the wrong spell! Zombies!
Bart: Please, Lis. They prefer to be called the living impaired.

Marge: I saved this newspaper from the day Lisa was born.
Lisa: "Mondale to Hart: Where's the beef?"
Bart: "Where's the beef?" What the hell's that supposed to mean?
Homer: Heh heh heh. "Where's the beef." No wonder he won Minnesota.

Lisa: Happy Valentine's.
Ralph: You choo choo choose me?
Lisa: Happy Valentine's.

Homer: I've heard 'em all. "I like you as a friend." "I think we should see other people." "I no speak English..."
Lisa: I get the idea.
Homer: "I'm married to the sea." "I don't want to kill you, but I will."

Bart: I'll go disguised as you.
Lisa: What if he wants to hold hands?
Bart: I'm prepared to make that sacrifice.
Lisa: What if he wants a kiss?
Bart: I'm prepared to make that sacrifice.
Lisa: What if he—
Bart: You don't want to know how far I'll go.

Lisa: "So we'll march day and night by the big cooling tower. They have the plants but we have the power."

Lisa: Like Halloween and Christmas, April Fools Day traces its origins to pagan ritual.
Homer: God bless those pagans.

Lisa: That's as bad as the tasteless Itchy and Sambo cartoons of the late 30s. The writers should be ashamed of themselves.
Bart: Cartoons have writers?
Lisa: Yeah. Sort of.

Lisa: Bart are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Bart: Probably not.

Kent Brockman: First, a look at a local holiday that was called distasteful and puerile by a panel of hillbillies: Whacking Day!
Lisa: Oh no!

Homer: Hey kids, how was school?
Lisa: I learned how many drams in a penny weight.
Bart: I got expelled.
Homer: That's my boy!

Lisa: Krusty! What have you done to yourself?
Krusty: I thought I'd get into shape so I've been drinking nothing but milkshakes.
Lisa: You mean those diet milkshakes?
Krusty: Uh oh.

Krusty: I'm a star again. I don't know how to thank you kids.
Bart: That's okay, Krusty.
Lisa: We're getting fifty percent of the t-shirt sales.
Krusty: What?! That's the sweetest plum!

Lisa: "List your three favorite books and how they have influenced your life."
Homer: Is TV Guide a book?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Son of Sniglet?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Katharine Hepburn's Me?
Lisa: No!
Homer: Oh, I suck!

Lisa: Dad, you shouldn't wear glasses that weren't prescribed for you!
Homer: Lisa, just because you're ten feet tall doesn't mean you can tell me what to do.
Bart: I'm Bart.

Marge: In honor of legalized gambling, why not go as the state of Nevada?
Lisa: No. Nevada makes my butt look big.

Lisa: This biography of Bart came awfully quickly. It's not even about him!
Bart: Sure it is. Look at the cover.
Lisa: But inside it's mostly about Ross Perot, and the last two chapters are excerpts from the Oliver North trial.
Homer: Ah, Oliver North. He was just poured into that uniform.
Marge: Hm...

Lisa: And now you can go back to just being you, instead of a one-dimensional character with a silly catchphrase.
Homer breaks lamp: D'oh!
Bart: Aye Carumba!
Marge: Hmmm.
Maggie sucks her pacifier.
Flanders: Hidely-ho.
Barney burps
Nelson: Ha ha!
Burns: Excellent!
They all stare at her.
Lisa: If anyone wants me, I'll be in my room.

Marge: Ooh, Lisa! Is that too spicy for you?
Lisa: I can see through time!
Homer: Stop being such a baby. You can't be afraid to try new things. For instance, tonight I'm using a... Apu, what do you call this thing again?
Apu: A napkin.
Homer: Outrageous!

Lisa: "A hush falls over the General Assembly as Stacy approaches the podium to deliver what will no doubt be a stirring and memorable address."
Malibu Stacy: I wish they taught shopping in school. {Lisa tries again} Let's make some cookies for the boys.
Lisa: Come on, Stacy. I've waited my whole life to hear you speak. Don't you have anything relevant to say?
Malibu Stacy: Don't ask me. I'm just a girl.

Lisa: It's awful being a kid. No one listens to you.
Grampa: It's rotten being old. No one listens to you.
Homer: I'm a white male. Age eighteen to forty-nine. Everyone listens to me! No matter how dumb my suggestions are.

Lisa: Excuse me. Ms. Lovell? I'd like to talk to you about Malibu Stacy.
Stacy Lovell (Kathleen Turner): Do you have any idea how many kids have tried to track me down?
Lisa: Am I the first?
Stacy Lovell: ... Yes.

Ms. Lovell: What do you expect me to do?
Lisa: Change what she says. It's your company.
Ms. Lovell: Not since I was forced out in 1974. They said my way of thinking just wasn't cost-effective.
Lisa: That's awful!
Ms. Lovell: Well that and I was funneling profits to the Viet Cong.

Lisa: You know, if we get through to just that one little girl it'll all be worth it.
Ms. Lovell: Yes. Particularly if that girl happens to pay sixty-four thousand dollars for that one doll.
Lisa: What?
Ms. Lovell: Oh nothing.

Mrs. Lovejoy: That animal of yours is certainly bad-tempered.
Lisa: Yeah, well you'd be grumpy too if you were taken out of your natural habitat and gawked at by a bunch of slack-jawed yokels.
Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel: Hey Ma! Look at that pointy-hairded little girl!

Lisa: Mr. Blackheart?
Mr. Blackheart: Yes, my pretty?
Lisa: Are you an ivory dealer?
Mr. Blackheart: Little girl, I've had lots of jobs in my day. Whale hunter, seal clubber, president of the FOX Network.

Lisa: Dad! You're sinking!
Marge: Get a rope, Bart.
Homer: Nah, that's okay. I'm pretty sure I can struggle my way out. First I'll just reach in and pull my legs out. {his arms and legs are now stuck} Now I'll pull my arms out with my face.

Bart: It's weird, Lis. I miss him as a friend but I miss him even more as an enemy.
Lisa: I think you need Skinner, Bart. Everybody needs a nemesis. Sherlock Holmes had his Dr. Moriarty. Mountain Dew has its Mello Yello. Even Maggie has that baby with the one eyebrow.

Lisa: Doesn't this family know any songs that aren't commercials?

Lisa: Dad, as you know, we've been swimming. And we've developed a taste for it. We both agree that getting our own pool is the only way to go. Now before you respond, you must understand that your refusal would result in months and months of, "Can we have a pool, Dad? Can we have a pool, Dad? Can we have a pool, Dad? Can we have a pool, Dad?"
Homer: I understand. Let us celebrate our new arrangement by the adding of chocolate to milk.

Lisa's Brain: They're only using you for your pool, you know.
Lisa: Shut up, brain! I've got friends now. I don't need you anymore.

Lisa: Mom, romance is dead. It was acquired in a hostile takeover by Hallmark and Disney, homogenized, and sold off piece by piece.

Lisa: I just think you and Jessica are too different from each other to get along. She's a sweet, kind reverend's daughter and you're the Devil's Cabana Boy.

Lisa: Sorry, Dad. We do believe in you, we really do.
Bart: It's just hard not to listen to TV. It's spent so much more time raising us than you have.
Homer: Maybe TV is right. TV's always right.

Lisa: You need a forum where they don't even know the meaning of entertainment: public access television.

Bart: What's really amazing is that this is exactly what Dad said would happen.
Lisa: Yeah, Dad was right.
Homer: I know, kids. I'm scared too.

About the Yahoo Serious Festival
Lisa: I know those words, but that sign makes no sense.

Marge: I'm glad you're okay, honey. But I wish you'd chosen a more tasteful to be patriotic.
Lisa: I'm impressed you were able to write so legibly on your own butt.

Homer: My ears are burning.
Lisa: I wasn't talking about you, Dad.
Homer: No, my ears are really burning. I wanted to see inside, so I lit a Q-tip.

Hugh Parkfield (Mandy Patinkin): I can't believe how much we have in common. We're both studying the environment, we're both utterly humorless about our vegetarianism, and we both love the Rolling Stones.
Lisa: Yes. Not for their music, but for their tireless efforts to preserve historic buildings.

Lisa: Hi Mom!
Marge: Lisa! Hello! How are you doing in England? Remember, an elevator is called a lift, a mile is called a kilometer, and botulism is called steak and kidney pie.

Lisa: Mom, I feel kind of funny wearing white. I mean... Milhouse.
Marge: Oh, Milhouse doesn't count.

Lisa: Wow. Now that I know all this is there any way to change the future?
Fortuneteller: No. But try to look surprised.

Lisa: I thought you said you'd tell me about my true love.
Fortuneteller: Oh, you'll have a true love. But I specialize in foretelling the relationships where you get jerked around.

Mr. Burns: I'll be taking my puppies back.
Lisa: But they're ours, you stole them from us!
Mr. Burns hands her a cell phone: Here's a phone. Call somebody who cares.
Lisa dials 9-1— Give me that!

Bart: Uh. I think I got your lunch. {he holds up a "I am very proud of you." note}
Lisa: Oh yeah. I didn't think this was for me. {"Be good. For the love of God, please be good."}

Lisa: Oh my god! I'm losing my perspicacity.
Homer: Well it's always in the last place you look.

Lisa: What happened to Mr. Murphy?
Nurse: I'm sorry, he passed away.

Lisa: I don't want you to go.
Bleeding Gums Murphy: Sorry, but I have to. Goodbye.
Lisa: Goodbye.
Bleeding Gums Murphy reappearing: Oh, what the heck! Once more from the top.

Marge: Whatever happened to good old fashioned town pride?
Lisa: It's been going downhill ever since the lake caught fire.

Lisa: Everyone in Springfield had a reason to shoot Mr. Burns. Even us. Bart, he broke your dog's leg. Grampa, he destroyed your home. And Dad, well, you kinda went a little berserk when he couldn't remember your name.
Bart: Aren't we forgetting someone? Sister Suspect?
Lisa: I was just getting to me. Because of Mr. Burns they cancelled my Jazz program and my friend Tito Fuente got fired.

Bart: George Burns was right. Show business is a hideous bitch goddess.
Lisa: Cheer up, Bart. Milhouse is still gonna need a true friend. Someone to tell him he's great, someone to rub lotion on him. Someone he can hurl whiskey bottles at when he's feeling low.

Lisa: Pablo Neruda said, "Laughter is the language of the soul."
Bart: I am familiar with the works of Pablo Neruda.

Lisa: But you know Bart, some philosophers believe that nobody is born with a soul. That you have to earn one through suffering and thought and prayer. Like you did last night.

Ad Man: Advertising is a funny thing. If you stop paying attention to it, pretty soon it goes away.
Lisa: Like that old woman who couldn't find the beef?
Ad Man: Exactly!

Bart: Wait a minute, if you're here then you've fallen asleep too!
Lisa: I'm not asleep. I'm just resting my eye— Uh oh.
Bart: Goodbye, Bart!
Lisa: Goodbye, Lis. I hope you get reincarnated as someone who can stay awake for fifteen minutes.

Homer: Well it's my house so it's my spot.
Bart: Nuh unh, 'cause we called it.
Homer: Did not.
Lisa: Well we're calling it now.
Homer: You are?
Bart: 'Fraid so.
Homer: Oh! They got me with their legal mumbo jumbo.

Lisa: Mom, were you ever planning to step in and put a stop to this?
Marge: Normally your father's crackpot schemes fizzle out as soon he finds something good on TV. But this season...

Lisa: This is so weird. It's like something out of Dickens. Or Melrose Place.

Lisa: Hey, I thought Krusty was Jewish.
Bart: Christmas is a time when people of all religions come together to worship Jesus Christ.

Lisa: Mom, this fake snow is making me dizzy.
Marge: We're almost finished. There's just a little bit of green left.

Bart: Mom! My slingshot doesn't fit in these pockets. And these shorts leave nothing to the imagination. These uniforms suck.
Marge: Bart! Where do you pick up words like that?
Homer on the phone: Yeah, Moe. That team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked. I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked.
Marge: Homer! Watch your mouth.
Homer to Moe: I gotta go. My damn wiener kids are listening.
Lisa: We are not wieners!
Homer: Then what are you dressed like that for?

Lisa: Miss Hoover didn't believe me. She called me a PC thug!
Homer: Well I've been called a greasy thug too. And it never stops hurting.

Lisa: Dad, what's a muppet?
Homer: Well, it's not quite a mop, and it's not quite a puppet, but man... {laughs, then pauses}. So, to answer you question, I don't know.
Bart: Why did they make that one muppet out of leather?
Marge: That's not a puppet, that's Troy McClure.

Homer: You made it! Did you have any trouble getting past the security guard?
Lisa: Security guard?

Homer: So I realized that being with my family is more important than being cool.
Bart: Dad, what you just said was powerfully uncool.
Homer: You know what the song says: "It's hip to be square."
Lisa: That song is so lame.
Homer: So lame that it's... cool?
Bart and Lisa: No.
Marge: Am I cool, kids?
Bart and Lisa: No.
Marge: Good. I'm glad. And that's what makes me cool—not caring, right?
Bart and Lisa: No.
Marge: Well, how the hell do you be cool? I feel like we've tried everything here.
Homer: Wait, Marge. Maybe if you're truly cool, you don't need to be told you're cool.
Bart: Well, sure you do.
Lisa: How else would you know?

Student: The leatherolian covers were worth the extra money. You call smell the benzene!
Daisy: When the kids see these layouts and fonts you're going to be the most popular girl in school!
Lisa: You know something, Daisy, I think you're right.

Lisa: I don't get. Straight A's, perfect attendance, bathroom timer. I should be the most popular girl in school.

Marge: Well, did you call one of your friends?
Lisa: Friends? Ha! These are my only friends. Grown-up nerds like Gore Vidal. And even he's kissed more boys than I ever will.
Marge: Girls, Lisa. Boys kiss girls.

Homer: Somebody's travelling light.
Lisa: Eh. Maybe you're getting stronger.
Homer: Well. I have been eating more.

Lisa: I don't see any kids at all. It's like they ditched me in advance.

Erin (Christina Ricci): You like hanging out too?
Lisa: Well it beats doing stuff.
Erin: Yeah. Doing stuff sucks.

Lisa: Does this mean you still want to be friends, even though I tried to cover up my nerdish... leanings?

Dr. Hibbert: You don't forget a thing like Siamese twins!
Lisa: I believe they prefer to be called "conjoined twins."
Dr. Hibbert: And hillbillies prefer "sons of the soil." But it ain't gonna happen.

Lisa: My god, I've created life!
Marge: Lisa! Breakfast. We're having waffles.
Lisa: Oo! Waffles!

Lisa: Wait. One of them is nailing something to the door of the cathedral. I've created Lutherans!

Lisa: Dad, wake up. I think a hurricane is coming!
Homer: Oh Lisa, there's no record of a hurricane ever hitting Springfield.
Lisa: Yes, but the records only go back to 1978 when the hall of records was mysteriously blown away.

Lisa: Mr. Flanders, with all due respect, Bart didn't do anything.
Ned: Do I hear the sound of butting in?! It's gotta be little Lisa Simpson. Springfield's answer to a question no one asked!

Lisa: What's going on outside?
Marge: Oh it's just a mob war. Go back to sleep.

Marge: I have something that I'd like to sell.
John (John Waters): Please tell me it's your hair.
Marge: No. It's an heirloom my grandmother passed down to me. A very rare old figurine from the Civil War.
Lisa: Please don't construe our ownership of this as an endorsement of slavery.
John: Hm. Well see here's the thing on this. It's a Johnny Reb bottle, early 1970s. One of the J&R Whiskey Liquor Lads. Two books of green stamps if I'm not mistaken.
Marge: Oh no. Oh no. No no no no. It's a very very old figurine.
John: No, it's a liquor bottle. See? Ah! That'll make your bull run.
Marge: Well. I guess it'll always be a monument to Grandma's secret drinking problem.

Homer: I don't want you calling him a sissy. This guy's a fruit, and a— . No, wait. Queer. Queer! Queer. That's what you liked to be called, right?
John: Well that, or John.
Lisa: This is about as tolerant as Dad gets, so you should be flattered.

Lisa: Enjoy Bob Saget!
Chief Wiggum: It's Bob Seger. {checks tickets} Aw crap.

Chauffeur: I'm here to pick up the ambassador from Ghana.
Lisa: Well he's not here. Nobody's here! And none of you should be here. You've all been tricked!
Chauffeur: Why would the Ambassador do such a thing?

Lisa: Ew! Your arm! It's got extra corners!

Homer: Akira, can you read this for me?
Akira: Ah, yes. This is a product called Mr. Sparkle. Very popular dish detergent. Hey, he looks like you!
Lisa: What's he saying?
Akira: He identifies himself as a magnet for foodstuffs. He boasts that he will banish dirt to the land of wind and ghosts.
Lisa: Wow!
Akira: Yes, you have very lucky dishes, Mr. Simpson.

Lisa: Hey, it was all a coincidence.
Bart: Yep. There's your answer, Fish Bulb.
Homer: Well it was a good ride while it lasted. Come on kids, let's go home.
Bart: We are home.
Homer: That was fast.

Chief Wiggum, P.I.

Lisa: Chief Wiggum, I can't wait to hear about all the exciting, sexy adventures you're sure to have against this colorful backdrop.

Lisa: Dad, you don't understand. This saxophone is like my oldest friend. I've had it for as long as I can remember.
Homer: I don't remember.
Lisa: You don't remember how you got it?
Homer: Nuh unh.
Lisa: Oh, well. It all happened in 1990. Back then, the Artist Formerly Known As Prince was currently known as Prince. Tracey Ullman was entertaining America with songs, sketches and crudely drawn filler material. And Bart was eagerly awaiting his first day of school...

Homer: Marge! Kids! You're alive!
Lisa: All the layers of lead paint in this house made it the perfect bomb shelter.

Lisa: Wow, look at all these gadgets. If I were a nerd I'd be in Heaven.

Lisa: There's one thing I don't understand. When Bart went through the transporter, what happened to his head?
Homer: Eh. It'll turn up somewhere.

Lisa: If they're really witches why don't they use their witch power to escape?
Homer: That sounds like witch-talk to me, Lisa.
Lisa: Never mind.

Marge: Homer! I don't want guns in my house! Don't you remember when Maggie shot Mr. Burns?
Homer: I thought Smithers did it.
Lisa: That would have made more sense.

Homer: But I have to have a gun! It's in the Constitution.
Lisa: Dad! The second amendment is just a remnant from Revolutionary Day. It has no meaning today.
Homer: You couldn't be more wrong, Lisa. If I didn't have this gun, the King of England could just walk in here any time he wants and start shoving you around. You want that? Huh! Do you?!
Lisa: No.

Lisa: Well I know you don't want to disappoint Dad, but how do you feel about lying to him?
Bart: Good.

Lisa: Can I ask you about your dot?
Mrs. Nahasapeemapetilon: What would you like to know?
Lisa: What's the deal with that dot?
Bart: Yeah, can you see out of it? Does it change colors when you're ticked off?
Mrs. Nahasapeemapetilon: You tell me.
Bart: Nothing yet.

Mrs. Nahasapeemapetilon: Surely you children are aware of your Brahman heritage.
Bart: As long as you have absolutely no follow-up questions, yes. Yes, we are.
Lisa: Fully.

Bart: Wow! I wish I had an elephant.
Lisa: You did. His name was Stampy. You loved him.
Bart: Oh yeah.

Lisa: But they might be paving over rare specimens. Pull over so we can complain, Dad. Come on! Who wants to complain with me? {silence} Fine. I'll come back later. Who wants to come back with me! {silence} Fine.

Marge: My poor Lisa. If you can't make a leap of faith now and then... well. I feel sorry for you.
Lisa: Don't feel sorry for me, Mom. I feel sorry for you.

Marge: Well I guess you were right, honey. But you have to admit, when that angel started to talk, you were squeezing my hand pretty hard.
Lisa: Well it was just so loud, and.... Thanks for squeezing back.
Marge: Anytime, my angel.

Marge: Who knew that Lee Marvin could do such marvelous splits.
Lisa: He's dreamy.

Bart: There's gotta be a way out of this. Lisa, chop off my hands!
Lisa: No! Then who'll chop off my hands?

Homer: Marge, when I join an underground cult I expect a little support from my family!
Lisa: Dad, do you think you might have been brainwashed?
Homer: I have not been brainwashed. Kill the girl... kill the girl...

Bart: I must find him not guilty.
Milhouse: All right!
Martin: But he ate our food!
Lisa: The law has spoken.
Nelson: Ah, sucks to the law.
Lisa: Stop! Leave Milhouse alone. Help me out here, Bart.
Bart: I don't know, Lis. To be honest that verdict made me pretty angry.

Lisa: Dear Log, Can it be true? Do all Simpsons go through a process of dumbening? {she stops} Wait, that's not how you spell dumbening. Wait, dumbening isn't even a word!

Bar Patron: Sounds like she's hitting a baby with a cat.
Lisa: You have to listen to the notes she's not playing.
Bar Patron: I can do that at home.

Homer: Does this make me look fat?
Lisa: No, it makes you look like a tool of government oppression.
Homer: But not fat?

Lisa: May I have that seat?
Comic Book Guy: Yes! If you can answer me these questions three. Question the first!—
Lisa: Never mind.

Lisa: Stupid bus that can't even go to the stupid place it's supposed to stupid go.

Lisa: Oh! We can't touch it, Dad. It's behind the velvet rope. A velvet rope.

Lisa: These are for pierced ears.
Sherri: Yeah, aren't they great?
Terri: Alex did ours.
Alex Whitney (Lisa Kudrow): Yeah, all you need is a thumbtack and a lot of paper towels.

Lisa: Am I the only one that wants to play hopscotch and bake cookies and watch McLaughlin Group?

Lisa: Come on, Alex. We've only got nine, maybe ten years, tops where we can giggle in church and chew with our mouths open and go days without bathing. We'll never have that freedom again.
Alex: Listen, you can giggle and stink all you want, but I have a credit card. So *phtpt* on you.

Lisa: He also invented the photograph, the microphone and the electric guitar.
Homer: No one man can do all that. You're a liar, honey. A dirty rotten liar.

Lisa: Dad, women won't like being shot in the face.

Lisa: One: they don't have beaks. Two: they don't have feathers. And three: they're lizards!
Bart: You're a lizard!

Marge: It's almost as if he's murdering from beyond the grave.
Lisa: I told you capital punishment wasn't a deterrent.

Lisa: Of course. The transplant. Somehow Snake's hair must be controlling—
Marge: Oh please, Lisa. Everyone's already figured that out.

Lisa: Oh, Bart! That's plutonium. It's highly unstable.
Bart: Don't you ever get tired of being wrong?

Bart: Lis, we're characters in a cartoon!
Lisa: How humiliating.

Marge: I can't believe it. Jerry Springer didn't solve our conflict.
Lisa: And now he's dead.

Lisa: Ah, this is my kind of aisle. Soy substitute, whiz-less cheese. Oven-roasted cud.
Clerk: It's packed in its own drool.

Lisa: But we can't accept that money. It's tainted.
Skinner: Now now. Leave the money out of this. It's not the money's fault you cheated.

Lisa: You're not really giving my dad power of attorney are you?

Lisa: But it's not fair. Adults always blame kids for everything.
Homer: Well if kids are so innocent why is every bad named after them? "Acting childish." "Kidnapping." "Child abuse."
Bart: What about adultery?
Homer: Not until you're older, son.

Homer: I'll start out with a few pizzas, then a complimentary Tango lesson. And I'll cap it off with a smooth, refreshing colonic.
Lisa: Um, Dad.

Marge: It's so nice to have a peaceful weekend together.
Lisa: Yeah, I'm bored too.

Voiceover: The Catholic Church. We've made a few... changes.
Lisa: These Superbowl commercials are weird.

Announcer: The start of television's second most exciting season—mid-season!—is just two hundred exciting seconds away.
Homer: Car?
Marge: Locked.
Homer: Phone?
Lisa: Unplugged.
Homer: Dog? Cat?
Bart: Taped and corked.
Homer: Perfect.

Lisa: How come the Smithsonian needs to be sponsored by a cell phone company?
Omnitouch Rep: I can answer that. Uncle Sam needs to spend our tax dollars on the essentials. Anti-tobacco programs, pro-tobacco programs, killing wild donkeys and Israel.

Lisa: How am I supposed to hallucinate with all these swirling colors distracting me?

Lisa: Poor Mr. Costner. He tries so hard.

Lisa: Wow Dad, you're surfing like a pro.
Homer: Oh, yeah! I'm betting on jai alai in the Cayman Islands, I invested in something called "News Corp"—
Lisa: Dad, that's FOX!
Homer: Undo! Undo!

Lisa: I'm so glad you're here. Bart's really acting funny.
Homer: Ray J or O.J. funny?

Lisa: What do aliens have to do with Halloween?

Lisa: We've gotta go to the police!
Bart: They'll never believe a Simpson killed a Flanders by accident. Even I have my doubts.

Lisa: Bart just let me drop and save yourself!
Bart: What do you think I've ben trying to do!

Bart: Wow! Thanks for saving us.
Lucy Lawless: No problem. Now let's get you kids home.
Lucy flies, carrying Bart and Lisa.
Lisa: Wait a minute, Xena can't fly.
Lucy Lawless: I told you, I'm not Xena. I'm Lucy Lawless.

Lenny: Hey Homer, weren't you the plant's Y2K compliance officer?
Homer: Absolutely.
Carl: Must have been hard debugging all those computers, huh, Homer?
Homer: Doin' what now?
Lisa: You did fix them, right Dad? Because even a single faulty unit could corrupt every other computer in the world.
Homer: That can't be true, honey. If it were I'd be terrified.

Lisa: Look at the "wonders" of the computer age now.
Homer: Wonders Lisa? Or blunders?
Lisa: I think that was implied by what I said.
Homer: Implied... Or implode?

Zorro: I am Zorro. I have come to return King Arthur to the throne.
Bart: It's a history lesson come to live.
Lisa: No it isn't! It's totally inaccurate.
Bart: Quiet. Here come the ninjas.

Lisa: Dad, this might be one of those things you should go to the hospital for.
Homer: After pie.

Lisa: Oo! I want to get the Krünk.
Marge: You don't want something that overshadows the pencils. How about this "Pöpli"?
Lisa: Mom, no! Everyone at school picks on the Pöpli kids. Even I do! I just hate them so much.

Homer: Man, the last nine months sure were crazy.
Bart: I'll say. I learned the true meaning of Columbus Day.
Marge: I enjoyed a brief but memorable stint as Sideshow Marge.
Lisa: I became the most popular girl in school. But blew it by being conceited.
Bart: And then I learned the true meaning of winter.

Lisa: Don't you think there's something weird going on here? We spent all day selecting fabric swatches and then our guest speaker was Phil from marketing.

Lisa: Instead of giving us an education they tricked us into designing a toy. Aren't you outraged?
Bart: No. But if you're gonna throw a spaz I'll come with.
Lisa: Good. Saddle up the bikes.

Lisa: You people took advantage of trusting school children!
Jim Hope (Tim Robbins): How did you get past Gary Coleman?
Bart: Let's just say he's a few prawns short of a galaxy.

Lisa: Bart, I hope you don't believe your own hype.

Lisa: Do you have any food that wasn't brutally slaughtered?
Homer: Well I think the veal might have died of loneliness.

Homer: Oh! Why won't anyone give me an award.
Lisa: You won a Grammy.
Homer: I mean an award that's worth winning.

Lisa: Wow, it's got every Nancy Drew. Even the controversial Clue in the Clock. Tsk tsk tsk. So many swears.

Lisa: I'm sorry, but do you really think we can win doing Stars & Stripes Forever? It's so Beginner Band. And this is Advanced Beginner Band.
Ralph Wiggum: This is Band?

Lisa: Mom! Dad's on PBS!
Marge: Mmm. They don't show police chases, do they?

Marge: From now on one of us always stays home.
Lisa: Agreed.

Lisa: As you know, we've inherited quite a budget crunch from President Trump. How bad is it Secretary van Houten?
Milhouse: We're broke.

Bart: You changed, Lisa. You used to be cool.
Lisa: No I didn't.

Lisa: Poor Maggie. How many insanity hearings have you been to in your short life?

Lisa: You know, she's only fattening you up so she can eat you.
Bart: Eh. What are you going to do?
Lisa: You could at least stop basting yourself.

Lisa: Oh no, you poor thing. {she removes plastic and it bites her} Ow! Son of a—

Homer: Honey, there's a point in every father's life when he blows up his daughter's room.
Lisa: Oh yeah? You didn't blow up Maggie's room. {there's an explosion down the hall}

Lisa: I'm all for ethnic diversity but this is just pandering.
Homer: Maybe so, but Dawson is gonna be bummed.

Lisa: You can't post that on the internet. You don't even know if it's true.
Homer: Nelson has never steered me wrong, honey. Nelson is gold.
Bart: You know, it might have been Jimbo.
Homer: Beautiful! We have confirmation.

Lisa: Well you can't post news if you don't have any.
Homer: That's a great idea. I'll make up some news!
Lisa: At least take off your Pulitzer Prize when you say that.

Marge: Ready for the circus, Homer?
Homer: The circus?
Lisa: Le Cirque de Purée. We've had tickets since septembre.
Homer: But I want to watch Brett Favre!

Lisa: As French-Canadians, they don't believe in refunds or exploiting animals for entertainment.

Homer: What on Earth are you doing?
Lisa: Practicing tennis.
Homer: That's tennis? Oh! What's the one where the chicks wail on each other?
Bart: Foxy boxing?

Lisa: Oedipus killed his father and married his mother.
Homer: Ugh. Who pays for that wedding?

Lisa: Dad, I think you're over-reacting.
Homer: I think you're under-reacting.
Lisa: This session's over.
Homer: This session's under!
Lisa: Goodbye.
Homer: Bad bye!

Lisa: Hey, Grampa's running.
Marge: That's not Grampa. Dad's just dehydrated.

Homer: Evan eht Nioj. You gotta love that crazy chorus.
Lisa: What does it mean?
Homer: It doesn't mean anything. It's like "rama lama ding dong" or "Give peace a chance."

Lisa: There's something weird about this video.
Marge: None of those girls has had three kids, I can tell you that..
Lisa: No, something else.

Lisa: Thank you, Dad!
Homer: Hey, any friend of Marge is a friend of mine.

The kids are watching a commercial for Stabby-Oh's featuring a beheaded mother
Lisa: That ad campaign may have crossed a line.
Homer: Eh, what can you do. Sex sells.

Bart: Ice cream in church? I'm intrigued, yet suspicious.
Lisa: Wow! Look at all these flavors. Blessed Virgin Berry, Commandmint. Bible Gum.
Reverend Lovejoy: Or if you'd prefer, we also have Unitarian ice cream.
Lisa: There's nothing here.
Reverend Lovejoy: Exactly.

Lisa: That was great. I can't believe she found a rhyme for Hezekiah.

Homer: Now for the awkward part. We gotta talk about money.
Lisa: What? You said we were doing this out of friendship!
Homer: That doesn't sound like me.

They try the Dennis Miller Ultrahouse 3000 Voice:
Lisa: Isn't the the voice that caused all those suicides?
Marge: Murder-suicides.

Homer: Die, you monster!
Lisa: Dad! That's the water softener.
Homer: Well I am missing the back of my head. I think you could cut me some slack!

Marge: I love our court days.
Lisa: It's about the only thing we do as a family anymore.

Lisa: What're you doing?
Bart: Diggin'.
Lisa: Why?
Bart: Make a hole.
Lisa: A hole for what?
Bart: More diggin'.
Lisa: Okay then.

Lisa: What are they doing to the church?
Lindsey Naegle: We're rebranding it. The old church was skewing pious.

Lisa: I feel like I want to throw up.
Lindsey Naegle: Then my work is done.

Lisa: Mr. Gere I was hoping Buddhism could bring me inner peace. Or is that just a pipe dream?
Richard Gere: We all have dreams. Mine is of a free Tibet.
Lisa: That would be so great.
Lenny: I dream about meatball sandwiches. All you can eat for two bucks.
Richard Gere: Good luck.

Bart: Why would Duff Beer put out a book?
Lisa: It was originally put out to solve arguments in taverns.
Bart: She said "tavern." I'm going to Moe's.
Lisa: I never agreed to that rule!

Gay Pride Marchers: We're here! We're queer! Get used to it!
Lisa: You do this every year! We are used to it!

Lisa: Principal Skinner, you're just stealing!
Skinner: Welcome to Dick Cheney's America.

King of Troy: Now throughout history when people get wood they'll think of Trojan.
Homer: Heh heh heh. Trojan.
Lisa: What are you lauging at, Dad?
Homer: If I'm laughing at what I think I am, it's very funny.

Lisa: And that's the greatest thing ever written.
Bart: Are you crazy? I can't believe a play where everybody gets murdered could be so boring.
Homer: Son. It's not only a great play. But also became a great movie. Called Ghostbusters.

Ronaldo: I tried to write, but I didn't know what state you lived in.
Lisa: It's a bit of a mystery, yes. But if you look at the clues, you can figure it out.

Lisa: Come on, Dad! We're gonna be late.
Homer: Okay okay. Don't go all Mary Todd on us.

Lisa: Who wants to put on a leotard and get screamed at.
Homer: Well, hookers and Spider-man.

Homer: Are you okay, Lisa?
Lisa: I'm more than okay. Ich bin ein gymnast!
Homer: Ah, she must have dreamt of Hitler again.

Lisa: Dad, no! We're trying to conserve energy.
Homer: Lisa, if we start conserving, the environmentalists win!

Lisa: Dad, is there anything you'd like to tell us about this horde?
Homer: You'd think so. But no.

Announcer: ...Victory seems certain for Governor Thomas C. Dewey.
Homer: Dewey! Dewey! Dewey!
Lisa: Dad, I'm telling you. Truman wins.

Lisa: Mom! What happened? Your endowment's bigger than Harvard's.
Homer: Well that cinches it. Lisa gets the prize for the best off-the-cuff response.
Lisa: Actually I saw them earlier and I was working on it in the hall.

Lisa: But where will we live?
Homer: Don't worry. We'll just hang out in front of the house beside these garbage cans. The time will just fly by. {he cracks a beer a la King of the Hill}

Spa Guide: Do you like Dr. Seuss?
Lisa: No.
Spa Guide: Then you'll love Dr. Mas-seuess!

Marge: I don't think this was a great place to bring the children.
Lisa: It still beats Disney's California Adventure.

Lisa: Mom. Dad. My birthday's coming up and Girltech Turbo Diaries are in stores now.
Homer: Lisa, nobody likes a shill.
Lisa: Just buy me the friggin' toy.
Homer: Heh heh heh. I love that little shill.

Lisa: I don't like McNuggets. I'm a vegetarian!
Homer: Still?!

Homer: Bart will play Apu.
Lisa: I'm a magazine rack.
Homer: Look, I'm the first to admit it. I don't write good parts for women.

Lisa: There's so many places to cloister myself!

Marge: I can't count how many time's your father has done something crazy.
Lisa looking at ticker: It's 300, Mom!
Marge: I could've sworn it was 302.
Lisa: Shhh!

Homer: Oh my god! Space monsters are invading us.
Lisa: Dad. That's a moth.
Homer: Oh. Well where do I twist this thing to make funny patterns?
Lisa: Dad! That's a kaleidoscope.
Homer: You may be a smart kid, Lisa, but you don't know much about not hurting people's feelings.

Lisa: Does it make you feel superior to tear down people's dreams?
Declan: Yes. Does it make you feel smart to question people's motives?
Lisa: Yes.
Declan: Well alright then.

Lisa: I'm impressed that you drew up blueprints, but these are for a go-cart track.
Homer: Did Frank Lloyd Wright have to deal with people like you?
Lisa: Actually, Frank Lloyd Wright endured a lot of harsh criticism
Homer: Look. I have no idea who Frank Lloyd Wright is.
Lisa: You said his name two seconds ago.
Homer: I was just putting words together.

Lisa: Hey, Dad, maybe you could lead Bart's tribe.
Homer: You mean like some sort of mad man?
Lisa: Ideally, no, but—
Homer: I'll do it!

Homer: How come Lisa always gets to pick the family activity?
Lisa: Because I know every time you say, "Pick a number from one to ten" it's always seven.
Homer: That's because there were seven Apostles.
Marge: No. There were twelve.
Homer: Wow. That's a big staff. And still he wasn't that funny.

Frink: We had to replace several vital organs with machinery. But that doesn't make you any less of a man. Except... you have no penis. In the, uh, traditional sense.
Father Frink: So what am I? Some kind of a tin can man from Planet Tomorrow?
Lisa: Sir, your son has brought you into the twenty-first century. It's a lot like the twentieth except everybody's afraid and the stock market's much lower.

Father Frink: Every brain unlocks more secrets of the Universe! Muffins are surprisingly high in calories. The pyramids were actually built by Sears.
Lisa: He's right! It all checks out.

Lisa: Why can't I tinker with the fabric of existence?
Homer: Let the baby have her bottle.

Lisa: It's like you're Harry Potter without the magic and wonder.

Lisa: Principal Skinner, I will not call off this strike until you bring back music and art.
Skinner: What about gym?
Lisa: Meh.

Homer: What kind of example would I be if I didn't take revenge on things?
Lisa: Dad, you can't take revenge on animals. That's the whole point of Moby Dick.
Homer: Lisa, the point of Moby Dick is, "Be yourself."

Lisa: Krusty, what's wrong?
Krusty: I just found out I'm not Jewish. I was turned down by all those country clubs for nothing.
Bart: Well you're still my hero.
Krusty: So what. Everything's changed. I thought I was a self-hating Jew. But it turns out I'm just a plain old anti-semite.

Krusty: Are you sure that's "kosher"?
Lisa: There's nothing in the Talmud that forbids it.
Bart: How do you know all this stuff?
Lisa: I have a Jewish imaginary friend. Her name is Rachel Cohen. And she just got into Brandeis.
Rabbi Krustofski (Jackie Mason): Wonderful!

Lisa: This is offensive to Christians and prunes.

Lisa: To save money on a new dish, we'll call you Snowball II and just pretend this whole thing never happened.
Skinner walking past: That's really a cheat, isn't it?
Lisa: I guess you're right. Principal Tamzarian.
Skinner: Well, I'll be moving along then. Lisa... Snowball II.

Lisa: If Dad ever reads that book he's gonna be so humiliated!
Bart: He'll never read it.
Lisa: What if they make it into a movie?
Bart: He'll never see it.
Lisa: What if they parody it on "MadTV"?
Bart: We're doomed!

Lisa: I have to research a paper. Where did all the books go?
Librarian: Books? Books are for squares. We're now a multimedia learning center for children of all ages. But mostly bums.

Marge: How did you get her out?
Lisa: I tried the coat hanger again. I don't understand why we can only try ideas once.

Lisa: There's spiders in your hair!
Bart: That's what you call commitment to a bit.

Costington's Saleswoman: This is our Little Hooker Line. All the girls your age are wearing it except the freakishly unpopular.
Lisa: But I'm eight years old!
Costington's Saleswoman: So is your look.

Marge: Shame on you two creeps!
Bart: It's your fault for giving birth to my archenemy.
Lisa: At least I was planned!
Marge: Stop it! No one was planned.

Lisa: This movie is drivel. She's wooden and unpleasant, and no matter what he does he's still Ryan O'Neal.

Marge: Bart, stop fooling with the remote!
Bart: Lisa made me with a witches spell.
Lisa: It's called Wicca and it's empowering.
Bart: Wicca's a Hollywood fad.
Lisa: That's Kaballah, jerk!

Homer: I bet this is all a big surprise, huh? Mild-mannered Homer Simpson.
Lisa: You're not mild-mannered. You're often liquored-up and rude.
Homer: Honorable men can differ.

Bart: This is it. They're selling us for crash test dummies.
Lisa: Oh please let it be Volvo.

Lisa: This is ridiculous. Only babies and ex-junkies are afraid of needles. Stick me, Chuckles.

Lisa: Swim towards San Francisco!
Homer: I'm not made of money. We'll swim to Oakland.

Lisa: What kind of journalism experience do you have?
Nelson: I dunno. Beating up nerds.
Lisa: Great. You're our TV critic.

Burns: Maybe you should just go!
Lisa: I can't! My mom's not picking me up for an hour.
pause
Burns: So... what do you think of today's popular music scene?
Lisa: I think it distracts people from the more important social issues of today.
Burns: My god, are you always on?

Lisa: Mr. Flanders, why are you moving?
Flanders: Because I had a vision of myself shooting your father.
Bart: In this neighborhood, who hasn't.

Lisa: Dad, you should listen to him. He's a man of science and you can barely read.
Homer: Bah! Has science ever kissed a woman? Or won the Super Bowl? Or put a man on the moon? This is what I think of your precious science! Help me Science!

Marge: This is the most exciting scandal since the Juice was on the loose.
Lisa: The Juice is still on the loose.
Marge: Augh!

Lisa: We're supposed to do this without parental help.
Homer: Sweetie, that's orphan talk.

Lisa: Just what we need. Another lame suburban kid who loves rap.
Bart: So? You like the Blues.
Lisa: Yes, but the Blues are unpopular.

Lisa: Stupid selfish Bart. Like he's ever gonna do another nice thing for me. Oh! He's building a me! Well, I mean it's a little American Primitive, but who am I to dismiss outsider art.

Lisa: Oh Bart. I missed your lies. And I was kind of a pill, I guess.
Bart: Oh Lisa. You just poked my feelings. I'm sorry.

Bart: Yeah, well you love Moleman.
Lisa: No you do. You're gay for Moleman!
Bart: You're gay for Moleman!
Moleman: No one's gay for Moleman.

Lisa: Even though McDonald's owns Yale now, it's still a great school.

Lisa: I could never afford to go there if I hadn't won the Montgomery Burns Scholarship.
Genda: Oh yeah. That's the thing he had to do as punishment for stealing Christmas?
Lisa: Yeah. I miss Christmas.

Lisa: Let's see, should I major in Femistry or Galgebra.

Bart: Listen, Lis, I gotta tell you something. I'm going to Yale.
Lisa: What?! I don't want to go to the same college as you.
Bart: Then I got some great news! You're not going to Yale.

Bart: My heart, it hurts so much. Like it's caught in a vise!
Homer: Oh ho ho. My little boy's in love.
Lisa: I think he's having a heart attack.

Lisa: Dad, I'm sorry you're hurt but you left me no choice. You were obnoxious at a level not even permitted in show business.
Homer: Do you know the hours I worked? The people I had to yell at, the tires I had to slash.
Lisa: No one asked you to yell and slash!
Homer: It's called shmoozing!

Marge: What language is this? Gibby Gabby?
Bart: It's Albanian. But the producers added subtitles to make it "commercial".
Lisa: Mom! I don't wanna read. It's the weekend! {he pulls his shirt over his head}

Lisa: If you don't tell Mom what you did, I will.
Bart: Oh come on. wouldn't it be easier if our parents divorced and you compensated by marrying much older men. Meanwhile I'll be one of those weird guys who's thirty-five and shows up at high school basketball games.

Lisa: I hate going to the zoo. I feel so sorry for the animals.
Homer: Lisa, the zoo opens up a whole new world for the animals. In the wild, they would never experience boredom, obesity, loss of purpose. You know, the American Dream!

Lisa: Dad, Dad! Wake up! You're not a robot. You're just possessed by the Devil.

Lisa: They're tearing down the pier!
Bart: But what will junkies do drugs under?
Homer: They'll bounce back, son. They're a strong people.

Lisa: Dad! Don't act like Mussolini.
Homer: Hm. I thought I was doing Donald Trump.

Lisa is trying to escape a big-horned sheep:
Lisa: Mad beast!
Burns: Liberal midget!

Lisa: I don't understand, Dad. Our family has so many flaws. Why share them with the world?

Sea Captain: Perhaps an old sea yarn might pass the time. Too bad I don't know any.
Lisa: I know one! About the most important sea voyage in American history. The journey of the Mayflower.
Sea Captain: Ah yes. The ship that brought prostitutes to America.
Lisa: Not prostitutes! Protestants!
Sea Captain: Now who's being naive?

Lisa: I can't wait to see this reimagining of Itchy and Scratchy by avant garde director Juliana Krellner.
Homer: Hey, it say here the "book" was written by Tom Stoppard.

Bart: No one with a choice should ever have to be a girl. I'll teach you how to be a boy.
Lisa: You would do that for me? That is so sweet.
Bart: You're a boy. Nothing is sweet. {kicks Lisa in the leg}.
Lisa: Ow! That hurt.
Bart: Sweet.

Lisa: Otto, Bart won't give me a seat.
Otto: You know I can deal with your problem or I can rock out. But I cannot do both!

Lisa: Bart, did your mystical Jewish monster beat up those bullies?
Bart: Oh, it's always the Jews fault!

Lenny: You could interview me. I collect Absolut ads.
Lisa: How many others do you have?
Lenny: There are others?

Lisa: It's Tom Wolfe! He uses more exclamation points than any other major American writer.
Tom Wolfe: It's true!

Lisa: Some of my report wasn't thoroughly fact-checked.
Homer: Ah, my little CBS News.

Lisa: Slow down! You're too close to that car. Your hands should be at ten and two, not three and nothing.
Bart: You know, it'd be a real shame if someone started investigating your Indian heritage.

The Simpsons visit Barnacle Bay:
Lisa: This is the most disgusting place we've ever gone.
Bart: What about Brazil?
Lisa: After Brazil.

Lisa: I'm proud of you, mom. You're like Christopher Columbus. You discovered something millions of people knew about before you.

Marge: What are you kids doing up so late?
Lisa: It's seven am.
Marge: I was on the computer all night!
Bart: Actually, it's Saturday.
Marge: I played a day and a night!
Lisa: Bart, it's not Saturday.
Bart: Sh!

Lisa: You can't give me a yellow card! You're my father!
Homer: When I put on these shorts, I'm not your father. And judging by how tight they are, I'm never going to be anyone else's either.

Lisa: I can't believe you listened to this magazine. It's a Larry Flynt publication.
Marge: Lisa, stop reading mastheads.
Lisa: I can't. I won't!

Bart: Lisa, are you on a secure line?
Lisa: I am. But you're on a Bluetooth cellphone, the most vulnerable device known to man.
Bart: But it looks so cool!

Lisa: Mr. Brockman, you're a huge hit.
Kent Brockman: Really? How wide is the web?
Lisa: World.
Kent Brockman: Wow.

Bart: Dad, you were great!
Lisa: And you contributed to our culture.
Homer: I didn't mean to.
Lisa: No no, it's a good thing.
Homer: Oh good. This makes up for me showing up drunk to the father-daughter dance.
Lisa: The dance isn't until next week.
Homer: Sorry, Lisa. You can't change the future.

Lisa: There must be a web site that can help you with a clingy baby.
Marge: I don't want to bother the internet with my problem.

Marge: You have to be there. You miss way too many precious moments in the children's lives.
Homer: What? Name twelve.
Bart: Well, just this week there's been field day, pick me up from airport—
Lisa: And the father-daughter dance!

Kodos: You are very observant Lisa. That's why I have a special job for you. Go find out the secret locations of your country's missile defense systems.
Lisa: They were in yesterday's New York Times.

Lenny: How is this a prank? Give me back my TV.
Lisa: I fed your fish.
Lenny: You overfed them. You're the worst one of all.

Lisa: And Ralph is only eight years old. It says in the Constitution you have to be 35.
Bart: The Constitution? I'm pretty sure the Patriot Act killed it to ensure our freedoms.

Lisa: This car's amazing! The radio lets me contribute directly to NPR.

Lisa: I never dreamed an America car designed in Germany, assembled in Mexico, from parts made in Canada could be so amazing!

Bart: Hey, I didn't know this park was here.
Lisa: You wrote a report on it last week.
Bart: The internet wrote it. I just handed it in.

Marge: So how was your outside time?
Lisa: We were never outside! We were here all day!
Marge: That quick talking is never a good sign.
Lisa: That's usually true but in this case it's not.

Lisa: Give me an Indian burn.
Bart: But—
Lisa: Don't make me say "Indian" again.

Lisa: I learned that beneath my goody two shoes lies some very dark socks.

Lisa: I didn't know you cared about ballet.
Marge: Lisa, have I ever shown you my shattered dreams box?
Lisa: No.
Marge: It's upstairs in my disappointment closet.

Lisa: I've gotten better from this morning. How could that have happened?
Ballerina: Maybe it's all the secondhand focus and pep you're inhaling. They don't call these dancer sticks for nothing.
Lisa: I thought they were cancer sticks.

Mayor Quimby: It was a rhetorical question.
Lisa: And I used rhetoric in my answer!

Homer: What could be greater than eating and drinking for hours in a drizzling parking lot.
Lisa: Anything.
Bart: No, everything is better.

Lisa: The intern thing could open up a whole new world of free labor for you. Did you know the Discovery Channel doesn't have a single paid employee.

Krusty: Go to my joke file and make all the Sophia Lorens into Lindsay Lohans.
Lisa: So, do a global change?
Krusty: What am I, Al Gore? Just do it!

Lisa: BART. San Francisco People Mover!
Bart: Speaking of San Francisco People Movers...

Lisa: Guess what, mom? I'm a cruciverbalist!
Marge: Another religion? You know you're just going to drop the whole thing when you go to college and get a Jewish boyfriend.
Lisa: Probably. But a cruciverbalist is a fan of crossword puzzles. Which I am!
Grampa: Me too. I've been doing them since 1958. Back then we called them "alphabet hotels" because every letter gets its own little room.

Lisa: Grampa, everyone knows that the only real test of skill is the New York Times puzzle, edited by Will Shortz.
Grampa: Will and shorts. Two things I'm no longer allowed to change by myself.

Lisa: Dad, just because you won a high school election doesn't mean your whole life would've been better.
Homer: That's exactly what it means! And Dondelinger took that life away from me. And the taking of a life is murder. And the punishment for murder is— well it varies from state to state and by race.

Lisa: As a rational skeptic I find that hard to believe. Also as a vegetarian I hope there's not meat in that sauce.
Luigi: Any other orders, Mussolini?

Lisa: Dad! Bart's throwing away his future!
Homer: Oh no! Now who will sell oranges on the off-ramp?

Homer: He's nailing something to our door!
Lisa: Hm. I wonder if it's theses.
Homer: That's gross.

Marge to herself: Wait a second Marge. Do you really want to use your baby as a tool to spy on your husband?
Lisa: Yes you do.
Marge: I wasn't talking to you.
Lisa: When you say it, it's not just in your head.

Lisa: Okay people, we've hit penumbra. Brace yourself for umbra!

Mr. Burns: Well well. If it isn't the Tardy Boys and Nancy Clueless.
Lisa: Mr. Burns! What are you doing here?
Mr. Burns: Oh I've known about the gem for years. You see, dear girl, I joined the Freemasons before it was trendy. That's my eyeball on the dollar bill. That's also my pyramid.

Homer: I'm sorry. I got carried away. From now on the only thing I'll ever do for you is co-sign if you want a gun. But at least I made Lisa popular. he gets a text. "I Ha-Eight This"? Wha?
Lisa: I'm sorry Dad, these girls are nice on the surface but it's hard work staying this shallow. I hope you understand.
Homer: Yeah. It's clear to me now. The best thing I can do as a parent is simply check out.
Lisa: No. There's a middle ground.
Homer: Lisa, the light bulb is either on or it's off.
Lisa: Not if you use a dimmer switch.
Homer: That's what the dimmer switch companies want you to think.

Lisa: Bart, in my concurrent adventure I learned a really important lesson.

Alaska Nebraska: I am so tired of fans in my food.
Lisa: Alaska, we've never met. But everyone thinks I'm your best friend.
Alaska Nebraska: Wait wait, let me guess. I'm supposed to give all your best friends front row seats and backstage passes.
Lisa: Could you?
Alaska Nebraska: First, riddle me this: what's your favorite episode of my show?
Lisa: You have a show?

Lisa: Looks like Maggie wants a story too.
Marge: Oo! The Fountainhead.
Lisa: Isn't that book the bible of right-wing losers?
Mrs. Skinner: Yeah, but the guy on the book jacket is one sexy slice of beefcake.

Lisa: I'd just like to remind you that we were all immigrants at one time.
Homer: Well you were a baby once. Does that mean that you still like milk and hugs?
Lisa: Yes. I'd like both right now.