Lisa: Here's a good job at the fireworks factory.
Homer: Those perfectionists? Forget it.

Homer: Okay, now look. My boss is going to be at this picnic so I want you to show your father some love and/or respect.
Lisa: Tough choice.
Bart: I'm picking respect.

Lisa: You're sending us to a doctor that advertises on pro-wrestling?
Homer: Boxing, honey, boxing. There's a world of difference.

Lisa: Prayer. The last refuge of a scoundrel.

Lisa: I'm no theologian. I don't know who or what God is. All I know is he's more powerful than Mom and Dad put together.

Homer: Here's good news. According to this eye-catching article, SAT scores are declining at a slower rate.
Lisa: Dad, think this paper is a flimsy hodgepodge of high-brass factoids and Larry King.
Homer: Hey, this is the only paper in America that's not afraid to tell the truth. That everything is just fine.

Marge: How are you enjoying your ham, Homey?
Homer: It's so bitter it's like acid in my mouth.
Marge: Mm. It's actually more of a honey glaze.
Lisa: Maybe you ate a clove!

Lisa checking the card catalog: Let's see... Football... Football... "Homoeroticism in"... "Oddball Canadian rules"... "Phyllis George and"...

Homer: Who's going to win today?
Lisa: The Sea Hawks because they have something to prove, the 49ers because they are pure of heart and the Raiders because they always cheat.

Otto: Better fasten your seatbelts, little dudes.
Lisa: We don't have seatbelts.
Otto: Well then... just try to go limp.

Lisa: I feel like I'm going to die, Bart.
Bart: We're all going to die, Lis.
Lisa: I meant soon.
Bart: So did I.

With the church doors frozen, shut, Lisa starts praying.
Bart: Lisa, this is neither the time nor the place.

Lisa: I'm hideous.
Marge: Lisa, I know a song that will cheer you up. (singing) There once was an ugly duckling—
Lisa: So you think I'm ugly?
Marge: No! No, I meant you were one of the good looking ducks. That... makes fun of the ugly one. Mm.

Contestant 1: Did you see Tina Epstein?
Contestant 2: Woah. If you're going to binge you better purge.
Contestant 1: Uh oh.
Contestant 2: Amber Dempsey.
Contestant 1: In the same week she was Pork Princess and Little Miss Kosher.
Lisa: She's beautiful.
Contestant 2: Wait, she's about to bring out the big guns.
Contestant 1: Eyelash implants.
Lisa: I thought those were illegal.
Contestant 1: Not in Paraguay.

Marge: I saved this newspaper from the day Lisa was born.
Lisa: "Mondale to Hart: Where's the beef?"
Bart: "Where's the beef?" What the hell's that supposed to mean?
Homer: Heh heh heh. "Where's the beef." No wonder he won Minnesota.

Homer: I've heard 'em all. "I like you as a friend." "I think we should see other people." "I no speak English..."
Lisa: I get the idea.
Homer: "I'm married to the sea." "I don't want to kill you, but I will."

Lisa: That's as bad as the tasteless Itchy and Sambo cartoons of the late 30s. The writers should be ashamed of themselves.
Bart: Cartoons have writers?
Lisa: Yeah. Sort of.

Lisa: Bart are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Bart: Probably not.

Lisa: Krusty! What have you done to yourself?
Krusty: I thought I'd get into shape so I've been drinking nothing but milkshakes.
Lisa: You mean those diet milkshakes?
Krusty: Uh oh.

Krusty: I'm a star again. I don't know how to thank you kids.
Bart: That's okay, Krusty.
Lisa: We're getting fifty percent of the t-shirt sales.
Krusty: What?! That's the sweetest plum!

Lisa: "List your three favorite books and how they have influenced your life."
Homer: Is TV Guide a book?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Son of Sniglet?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Katharine Hepburn's Me?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Oh, I suck!

Lisa: Dad, you shouldn't wear glasses that weren't prescribed for you!
Homer: Lisa, just because you're ten feet tall doesn't mean you can tell me what to do.
Bart: I'm Bart.

Marge: In honor of legalized gambling, why not go as the state of Nevada?
Lisa: No. Nevada makes my butt look big.

Lisa: And now you can go back to just being you, instead of a one-dimensional character with a silly catchphrase.
Homer breaks lamp: D'oh!
Bart: Aye Carumba!
Marge: Hmmm.
Flanders: Hidely-ho.
Barney: burps
Nelson: Ha ha!
Burns: Ex-cellent!
Lisa: If anyone wants me, I'll be in my room.

Marge: Ooh, Lisa! Is that too spicy for you?
Lisa: I can see through time!
Homer: Stop being such a baby. You can't be afraid to try new things. For instance, tonight I'm using a... Apu, what do you call this thing again?
Apu: A napkin.
Homer: Outrageous!

Mrs. Lovejoy: That animal of yours is certainly bad-tempered.
Lisa: Yeah, well you'd be grumpy too if you were taken out of your natural habitat and gawked at by a bunch of slack-jawed yokels.
Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel: Hey Ma! Look at that pointy-hairded little girl!

Lisa: Mr. Blackheart?
Mr. Blackheart: Yes, my pretty?
Lisa: Are you an ivory dealer?
Mr. Blackheart: Little girl, I've had lots of jobs in my day. Whale hunter, seal clubber, president of the FOX Network.

Homer: D'oh!
Lisa: A deer!
Marge: A female deer.

Lisa: Dad! You're sinking!
Marge: Get a rope, Bart.
Homer: Nah, that's okay. I'm pretty sure I can struggle my way out. First I'll just reach in and pull my legs out. {his arms and legs are now stuck} Now I'll pull my arms out with my face.

Lisa: Doesn't this family know any songs that aren't commercials?

Lisa: Mom, romance is dead. It was acquired in a hostile takeover by Hallmark and Disney, homogenized, and sold off piece by piece.

Lisa: Oh my god! The dead have risen and they're voting Republican!

Lisa: I just think you and Jessica are too different from each other to get along. She's a sweet, kind reverend's daughter and you're the Devil's Cabana Boy.

Homer: My ears are burning.
Lisa: I wasn't talking about you, Dad.
Homer: No, my ears are really burning. I wanted to see inside, so I lit a Q-tip.

Mr. Burns: I'll be taking my puppies back.
Lisa: But they're ours, you stole them from us!
Mr. Burns hands her a cell phone: Here's a phone. Call somebody who cares.
Lisa dials 9-1— Give me that!

Bart: George Burns was right. Show business is a hideous bitch goddess.
Lisa: Cheer up, Bart. Milhouse is still gonna need a true friend. Someone to tell him he's great, someone to rub lotion on him. Someone he can hurl whiskey bottles at when he's feeling low.

Homer: Okay, I'm never going to win Father of the Year. In fact, I'm probably the last guy in the world to have kids... wait, let me rephrase that. I love my kids. I'd do anything for Bart and Lisa.
Judge: And Margaret?
Homer: Who? Lady, you must have the wrong file.
Marge: She's talking about Maggie.
Homer: Oh! Maggie. I've got nothing against Maggie.

Lisa: Pablo Neruda said, "Laughter is the language of the soul."
Bart: I am familiar with the works of Pablo Neruda.

Lisa: This is so weird. It's like something out of Dickens. Or Melrose Place.

Lisa: Miss Hoover didn't believe me. She called me a PC thug!
Homer: Well I've been called a greasy thug too. And it never stops hurting.

Homer: So I realized that being with my family is more important than being cool.
Bart: Dad, what you just said was powerfully uncool.
Homer: You know what the song says: "It's hip to be square."
Lisa: That song is so lame.
Homer: So lame that it's... cool?
Bart and Lisa: No.
Marge: Am I cool, kids?
Bart and Lisa: No.
Marge: Good. I'm glad. And that's what makes me cool—not caring, right?
Bart and Lisa: No.
Marge: Well, how the hell do you be cool? I feel like we've tried everything here.
Homer: Wait, Marge. Maybe if you're truly cool, you don't need to be told you're cool.
Bart: Well, sure you do.
Lisa: How else would you know?

Lisa: What's going on outside?
Marge: Oh it's just a mob war. Go back to sleep.

Lisa: Enjoy Bob Saget!
Chief Wiggum: It's Bob Seger. {checks tickets} Aw crap.

Chauffeur: I'm here to pick up the ambassador from Ghana.
Lisa: Well he's not here. Nobody's here! And none of you should be here. You've all been tricked!
Chauffeur: Why would the Ambassador do such a thing?

Lisa: Ew! Your arm! It's got extra corners!

Lisa: Can I ask you about your dot?
Mrs. Nahasapeemapetilon: What would you like to know?
Lisa: What's the deal with that dot?
Bart: Yeah, can you see out of it? Does it change colors when you're ticked off?
Mrs. Nahasapeemapetilon: You tell me.
Bart: Nothing yet.

Mrs. Nahasapeemapetilon: Surely you children are aware of your Brahmin heritage.
Bart: As long as you have absolutely no follow-up questions, yes. Yes, we are.
Lisa: Fully.

Bart: Wow! I wish I had an elephant.
Lisa: You did. His name was Stampy. You loved him.
Bart: Oh yeah.

Marge: Who knew that Lee Marvin could do such marvelous splits.
Lisa: He's dreamy.

Lisa: May I have that seat?
Comic Book Guy: Yes! If you can answer me these questions three. Question the first!—
Lisa: Never mind.

Homer: Lisa, can you open the window? They have daddy's fingerprints on file.

Lisa: These are for pierced ears.
Sherri: Yeah, aren't they great?
Terri: Alex did ours.
Alex Whitney (Lisa Kudrow): Yeah, all you need is a thumbtack and a lot of paper towels.

Lisa: Am I the only one that wants to play hopscotch and bake cookies and watch McLaughlin Group?

Marge: Lisa, I made you some homemade Pepsi for the dance. It's a little thick, but the price is right!

Lisa: Come on, Alex. We've only got nine, maybe ten years, tops where we can giggle in church and chew with our mouths open and go days without bathing. We'll never have that freedom again.
Alex: Listen, you can giggle and stink all you want, but I have a credit card. So *phtpt* on you.

Announcer: The start of television's second most exciting season—mid-season!—is just two hundred exciting seconds away.
Homer: Car?
Marge: Locked.
Homer: Phone?
Lisa: Unplugged.
Homer: Dog? Cat?
Bart: Taped and corked.
Homer: Perfect.

Lisa: How come the Smithsonian needs to be sponsored by a cell phone company?
Omnitouch Rep: I can answer that. Uncle Sam needs to spend our tax dollars on the essentials. Anti-tobacco programs, pro-tobacco programs, killing wild donkeys and Israel.

Lisa: How am I supposed to hallucinate with all these swirling colors distracting me?

Homer: Oh, yeah! I'm betting on Jai Alai in the Cayman Islands, I invested in something called "News Corp"—
Lisa: Dad, that's FOX!
Homer: Undo! Undo!

Lisa: Bart, I hope you don't believe your own hype.

Lisa: Do you have any food that wasn't brutally slaughtered?
Homer: Well I think the veal might have died of loneliness.

Lisa: I'm sorry, but do you really think we can win doing Stars & Stripes Forever? It's so Beginner Band. And this is Advanced Beginner Band.
Ralph Wiggum: This is Band?

Lisa: Mom! Dad's on PBS!
Marge: Mmm. They don't show police chases, do they?

Homer: Honey, there's a point in every father's life when he blows up his daughter's room.
Lisa: Oh yeah? You didn't blow up Maggie's room. {there's an explosion down the hall}

Lisa: I'm all for ethnic diversity but this is just pandering.
Homer: Maybe so, but Dawson is gonna be bummed.

Marge: Lisa, a missing crayon could be anywhere.
Homer jumps inside through a window
Homer: Who wants lottery tickets?
Marge: Okay, it's in his brain.

Homer: What on Earth are you doing?
Lisa: Practicing tennis.
Homer: That's tennis? Oh! What's the one where the chicks wail on each other?
Bart: Foxy boxing?

Lisa: Oedipus killed his father and married his mother.
Homer: Ugh. Who pays for that wedding?

Lisa: Dad, I think you're over-reacting.
Homer: I think you're under-reacting.
Lisa: This session's over.
Homer: This session's under!
Lisa: Goodbye.
Homer: Bad bye!

Bart: Why would Duff Beer put out a book?
Lisa: It was originally put out to solve arguments in taverns.
Bart: She said "tavern." I'm going to Moe's.
Lisa: I never agreed to that rule!

Gay Pride Marchers: We're here! We're queer! Get used to it!
Lisa: You do this every year! We are used to it!

Ronaldo: I tried to write, but I didn't know what state you lived in.
Lisa: It's a bit of a mystery, yes. But if you look at the clues, you can figure it out.

Marge: Now before we get there, you have to put this blindfold on.
Homer: All my other senses are getting sharper! Bart, you had pizza for lunch. Lisa, you're extremely depressed.

Announcer: ...Victory seems certain for Governor Thomas C. Dewey.
Homer: Dewey! Dewey! Dewey!
Lisa: Dad, I'm telling you. Truman wins.

Lisa: Mom! What happened? Your endowment's bigger than Harvard's.
Homer: Well that cinches it. Lisa gets the prize for the best off-the-cuff response.
Lisa: Actually I saw them earlier and I was working on it in the hall.

Lisa and Bart: Augh! It's Sideshow Bob!
Sideshow Bob: Oh Bart, we've been through so much together. Just call me Bob.
Lisa and Bart: Augh! It's Bob!

Lisa: Mom. Dad. My birthday's coming up and Girltech Turbo Diaries are in stores now.
Homer: Lisa, nobody likes a shill.
Lisa: Just buy me the friggin' toy.
Homer: Heh heh heh. I love that little shill.

Lisa: I don't like McNuggets. I'm a vegetarian!
Homer: Still?!

Homer: Lisa's pet peeve is phonies? I thought she loved them!

Lisa: How could you?
Homer: Well all the childless drunks at Moe's thought it was a good idea.

Marge: I can't count how many time's your father has done something crazy.
Lisa: looking at ticker It's 300, Mom!
Marge: I could've sworn it was 302.
Lisa: Shhh!

Lisa: Krusty, what's wrong?
Krusty: I just found out I'm not Jewish. I was turned down by all those country clubs for nothing.
Bart: Well you're still my hero.
Krusty: So what. Everything's changed. I thought I was a self-hating Jew. But it turns out I'm just a plain old anti-semite.

Krusty: Are you sure that's "kosher"?
Lisa: There's nothing in the Talmud that forbids it.
Bart: How do you know all this stuff?
Lisa: I have a Jewish imaginary friend. Her name is Rachel Cohen. And she just got into Brandeis.
Rabbi Krustofski (Jackie Mason): Wonderful!

Bart: Dad. You blew it. You listened to Lisa and then you lost your stranglehold on the audience.
Homer: I'll audience you!

Lisa walking past cats in the pound: Too fluffy... too Siamese... too needy... too arrogant... eye infection... stops. Clearly a skunk.

Lisa: To save money on a new dish, we'll call you Snowball II and just pretend this whole thing never happened.
Skinner walking past: That's really a cheat, isn't it?
Lisa: I guess you're right. Principal Tanzarian.
Skinner: Well, I'll be moving along then. Lisa... Snowball II.

Lisa's Libido: Let's make out with boys! Binge and purge! Rock and roll!

Lisa: If Dad ever reads that book he's gonna be so humiliated!
Bart: He'll never read it.
Lisa: What if they make it into a movie?
Bart: He'll never see it.
Lisa: What if they parody it on "MadTV"?
Bart: We're doomed!

Marge: How did you get her out?
Lisa: I tried the coat hanger again. I don't understand why we can only try ideas once.

Lisa: There's spiders in your hair!
Bart: That's what you call commitment to a bit.

Lisa reading: The mound builders worshiped turtles as well as badgers, snakes and other animals.
Bart: Thank god we've come to our senses and worship a carpenter that died 2,000 years ago.

Marge: Shame on you two creeps!
Bart: It's your fault for giving birth to my archenemy.
Lisa: At least I was planned!
Marge: Stop it! No one was planned.

Lisa: This movie is drivel. She's wooden and unpleasant, and no matter what he does he's still Ryan O'Neal.

Marge: Bart, stop fooling with the remote!
Bart: Lisa made me with a witches spell.
Lisa: It's called Wicca and it's empowering.
Bart: Wicca's a Hollywood fad.
Lisa: That's Kaballah, jerk!

Lisa: You're not mild-mannered, Dad. You're often liquored-up and rude.

Lisa: What kind of journalism experience do you have?
Nelson: I dunno. Beating up nerds.
Lisa: Great. You're our TV critic.

Burns: Maybe you should just go!
Lisa: I can't! My mom's not picking me up for an hour.
pause
Burns: So... what do you think of today's popular music scene?
Lisa: I think it distracts people from the more important social issues of today.
Burns: My god, are you always on?

Lisa: We're supposed to do this without parental help.
Homer: Sweetie, that's orphan talk.

Lisa: If you don't tell mom what you did, I will.
Bart: Oh c'mon. Wouldn't it be easier if our parents divorced and you compensated by marrying much older men? Meanwhile, I'll be one of those weird guys who's 35 and shows up at high school basketball games.

Homer: Stupid family. Won't even come to my Rapture. I went to Lisa's play! Which had serious pacing problems.

Marge: What language is this? Gibby Gabby?
Bart: It's Albanian. But the producers added subtitles to make it "commercial".
Lisa: Mom! I don't wanna read. It's the weekend! {he pulls his shirt over his head}

Lisa: They're tearing down the pier.
Bart: But what will junkies do drugs under?
Homer: They'll bounce back, son. They're a strong people.

Lisa: Dad! Don't act like Mussolini.
Homer: Hm. I thought I was doing Donald Trump.

Lisa is trying to escape a big-horned sheep:
Lisa: Mad beast!
Burns: Liberal midget!

Sea Captain: Perhaps an old sea yarn might pass the time. Too bad I don't know any.
Lisa: I know one! About the most important sea voyage in American history. The journey of the Mayflower.
Sea Captain: Ah yes. The ship that brought prostitutes to America.
Lisa: Not prostitutes! Protestants!
Sea Captain: Now who's being naive?

Bart: No one with a choice should ever have to be a girl. I'll teach you how to be a boy.
Lisa: You would do that for me? That is so sweet.
Bart: You're a boy. Nothing is sweet. kicks Lisa in the leg.
Lisa: Ow! That hurt.
Bart: Sweet.

Moe: Lisa if you could just forgive me, you'd make me the happiest man in Vermont. Except for those two dudes I saw getting hitched. Not my thing but I wish them well.

The Simpsons visit Barnacle Bay:
Lisa: This is the most disgusting place we've ever gone.
Bart: What about Brazil?
Lisa: After Brazil.

Lisa: I can't believe you listened to this magazine. It's a Larry Flynt publication.
Marge: Lisa, stop reading mastheads.
Lisa: I can't. I won't!

Lisa: Mr. Brockman, you're a huge hit.
Kent Brockman: Really? How wide is the web?
Lisa: World.
Kent Brockman: Wow.

Lisa: There must be a web site that can help you with a clingy baby.
Marge: I don't want to bother the internet with my problem.

Marge: You have to be there. You miss way too many precious moments in the children's lives.
Homer: What? Name twelve.
Bart: Well, just this week there's been field day, pick me up from airport—
Lisa: And the father-daughter dance!

Marge: Homer, you can not miss Lisa's big day. And you have to come sober!
Homer: American sober or Irish sober?
Marge: .08 sober!
Homer: .15!
Marge: .09!
Homer: .10. With a stomach full of bread. Final offer.

Lisa: And Ralph is only eight years old. It says in the Constitution you have to be 35.
Bart: The Constitution? I'm pretty sure the Patriot Act killed it to ensure our freedoms.

Lisa: This car's amazing! The radio lets me contribute directly to NPR.

Lisa: I never dreamed an America car designed in Germany, assembled in Mexico, from parts made in Canada could be so amazing!

Bart: Hey, I didn't know this park was here.
Lisa: You wrote a report on it last week.
Bart: The internet wrote it. I just handed it in.

Marge: So how was your outside time?
Lisa: We were never outside! We were here all day!
Marge: That quick talking is never a good sign.
Lisa: That's usually true but in this case it's not.

Lisa: Give me an Indian burn.
Bart: But—
Lisa: Don't make me say "Indian" again.

Lisa: I learned that beneath my goody two shoes lies some very dark socks.

Marge: Lisa, have I ever shown you my shattered dreams box?
Lisa: No.
Marge: It's upstairs in my disappointment closet.

Mayor Quimby: It was a rhetorical question.
Lisa: And I used rhetoric in my answer!

Homer: What could be greater than eating and drinking for hours in a drizzling parking lot.
Lisa: Anything.
Bart: Everything.

Lisa: The intern thing could open up a whole new world of free labor for you. Did you know the Discovery Channel doesn't have a single paid employee.

Krusty: Go to my joke file and make all the Sophia Lorens into Lindsay Lohans.
Lisa: So, do a global change?
Krusty: What am I, Al Gore? Just do it!

Lisa: BART. San Francisco People Mover!
Bart: Speaking of San Francisco People Movers...

Lisa: Guess what, mom? I'm a cruciverbalist!
Marge: Another religion? You know you're just going to drop the whole thing when you go to college and get a Jewish boyfriend.
Lisa: Probably. But a cruciverbalist is a fan of crossword puzzles. Which I am!
Grampa: Me too. I've been doing them since 1958. Back then we called them "alphabet hotels" because every letter gets its own little room.

Lisa: Grampa, everyone knows that the only real test of skill is the New York Times puzzle, edited by Will Shortz.
Grampa: Will and shorts. Two things I'm no longer allowed to change by myself.

Marge about the model UN: Are you saying Lisa's not there?
Martin: To the extent that you can trust the word of a Belgian, yes!

Lisa: Dad, just because you won a high school election doesn't mean your whole life would've been better.
Homer: That's exactly what it means! And Dondelinger took that life away from me. And the taking of a life is murder. And the punishment for murder is— well it varies from state to state and by race.

Lisa: As a rational skeptic I find that hard to believe. Also as a vegetarian I hope there's not meat in that sauce.
Luigi: Any other orders, Mussolini?

Lisa: Dad! Bart's throwing away his future!
Homer: Oh no! Now who will sell oranges on the off-ramp?

Chalmers: Lisa, like Captain Kirk I'm not supposed to interfere. But like TJ Hooker I say what is on my mind. If you don't know the answer just guess.

Marge: How about a family outing?
Bart: A family outing? I'll start. Lisa's gay!

Marge to herself: Wait a second Marge. Do you really want to use your baby as a tool to spy on your husband?
Lisa: Yes you do.
Marge: I wasn't talking to you.
Lisa: When you say it, it's not just in your head.

Lisa: Okay people, we've hit penumbra. Brace yourself for umbra!

Homer: He's nailing something to our door!
Lisa: Hm. I wonder if it's theses.
Homer: That's gross.

Mr. Burns: Well well. If it isn't the Tardy Boys and Nancy Clueless.
Lisa: Mr. Burns! What are you doing here?
Mr. Burns: Oh I've known about the gem for years. You see, dear girl, I joined the Freemasons before it was trendy. That's my eyeball on the dollar bill. That's also my pyramid.

Homer: I'm sorry. I got carried away. From now on the only thing I'll ever do for you is co-sign if you want a gun. But at least I made Lisa popular. he gets a text. "I Ha-Eight This"? Wha?
Lisa: I'm sorry Dad, these girls are nice on the surface but it's hard work staying this shallow. I hope you understand.
Homer: Yeah. It's clear to me now. The best thing I can do as a parent is simply check out.
Lisa: No. There's a middle ground.
Homer: Lisa, the light bulb is either on or it's off.
Lisa: Not if you use a dimmer switch.
Homer: That's what the dimmer switch companies want you to think.

Lisa: Bart, in my concurrent adventure I learned a really important lesson.

Alaska Nebraska: I am so tired of fans in my food.
Lisa: Alaska, we've never met. But everyone thinks I'm your best friend.
Alaska Nebraska: Wait wait, let me guess. I'm supposed to give all your best friends front row seats and backstage passes.
Lisa: Could you?
Alaska Nebraska: First, riddle me this: what's your favorite episode of my show?
Lisa: You have a show?

Kate Lynn: Those are last year's shoes! Kill her!
Caitlin: Also, it's Lisa.
Kate Lynn: Kill her twice!

Lisa: Looks like Maggie wants a story too.
Marge: Oo! The Fountainhead.
Lisa: Isn't that book the bible of right-wing losers?
Mrs. Skinner: Yeah, but the guy on the book jacket is one sexy slice of beefcake.

Bart: Oh my god, I want a brother!
Lisa: You can have mine, but he's kind of an idiot.

Lisa: Bart, I'm losing my grip.
Bart: Put the rope in your teeth.
Lisa: What will that do?
Bart: It'll shut you up.

Lisa: I traded away my pearls. Without them I'm just a big Maggie!

Marge: Then again, there's only one way to get an accurate reading. Bart. Pants!
Lisa: Just close your eyes and think of Milhouse.
Marge: Yep. One-oh-three on the dot. You're staying home.
Lisa: How did you— ?
Bart: I don't want to talk about it.

Lisa: Congratulations. You're officially a sociopath.
Bart: Hey, at least I'm on a path.

Lisa: Dad, are you okay?
Homer: I am more than okay! I am the Messiah, come to save the world! Look upon me and shudder.
Bart: I already do that.

Bart: I hate being stuck at home.
Marge: Play with Lisa!
Bart: Mom you don't play with Lisa. You play despite her.

Marge: Sweetie, you could still go to McGill. The Harvard of Canada.
Lisa: Anything that's the something of the something isn't really the anything of the anything.

Nelson: Get a room you two!
Lisa: We're brother and sister
Milhouse: So are my parents. I think.

Lisa: Cloisters Academy? That bus could pick me up any day of the week.

Lisa: Lord Buddha, I know I'm not supposed to want stuff, but come on!

Ms. Marshall: Hi Lisa. I'm Ms. Marshall, and I'm your teacher.
Lisa: Well, I am so happy to be in your class.
Ms. Marshall: No I'm your teacher. I only teach you. Your short story about the lonely pony? Gripping.
Lisa: Did you get that the pony was actually me?
Ms. Marshall: It hit me the next day, and I read the whole thing again. I thought we'd start this semester by turning this into a novel.
Lisa: Self-published?
Ms. Marshall: Real-published.
Lisa: Oh!

Lisa: Yes, I believe I have your pigeon—Raymond Bird—and I need to know how to return him to you.
Pigeon Guy: He's a homing pigeon, girlie. Why don't you let him fly home unless you want to spring for a limo.
Lisa: Yes he could fly home, except that he has a broken wing. Perhaps you and your sarcasm could come to Springfield and retrieve him.

Lisa: It's amazing how I can feel sorry for you and hate you at the same time. I'm sure there's a German word for it.

Marge: Lisa, what are you doing?
Lisa: Marking a crime scene! To celebrate an ancient pagan ritual, this tree was cut-down and tarted-up like a dime-a-dance floozy! {pulls out a Fir is murder! sign}
Marge: Next you'll have a problem with my gingerbread house.
Lisa: You mean your gingerbread McMansion!
Homer: Hey, show some respect. Three gingerbread workmen died making that.

Lisa with a toy elephant and a copy of The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich: This is the last time I bring these two to bed at the same time.

Lisa: Ms. Stewart, I made a star for the tree out of discarded water bottles.
Martha Stewart: Lovely, dear. Except I would have soaked the labels off with warm water. Then I would have melted the plastic down in a double-boiler and poured it into a candy mold. And finally, I wouldn't have presented it quite so proudly.
Lisa: I'll go outside and make snow angels.
Martha Stewart: Lie face down, and your beautiful smile will be molded into the snow.
Lisa: Okay.

Lisa: Can we hurry this up? I am really uncomfortable being a girl in this store!

Lisa: I can't take it. I'm just going to draw a hairline on.

Lisa: Mom, your choice to go back to blue is so empowering.
Marge: But you said going from blue to gray was empowering.
Lisa: As a feminist, virtually anything a woman does is empowering.
Marge: Oh.
Homer: Is my job creating power empowering?
Lisa: No. It's oddly dehumanizing.

Lisa: Now they're aggressive again! I'm sure there's a correlation. But could there be a... causation?

Lisa: Wow. I know I laid down in front of bulldozers to stop this stadium from being built, but I have to admit it's pretty sweet.

Lisa: This is our house. There's nothing buried here but hopes and dreams.

Selma: Lisa, this is going too slow for me. And I work at the DMV.
Patty: Mind if we take a nap?
Lisa: I'll have to go more neo-classical and less Man Ray-ist, but okay.

Selma: Actually, it's kind of cute. You look like Posh Spice.
Homer: That's just what I was going for. to Lisa: I was going for Scary.

Bart: Dad, the cake!
Lisa: Dad, our lives!
Homer: Fine.

Lisa: I've discovered a mystery wrapped in a riddle in the basement of a lousy school!

Lisa: So the answer to our mystery lies on the other side of that ice bridge.
Bart: It's summertime. The ice bridge will be a water nothing.

Lisa: There's two things you didn't count on. My dad getting a giant wedding cake and my sister locking herself in the car.
Skinner: We planned for the wedding cake. We just didn't see the baby thing coming.
Chalmers: Well you should have.
Skinner: How could I? She wasn't even born yet.

The title of Lisa's speech: I Have a Team