Homer reciting reindeer names: Dasher... Dancer... Prancer... Nixon... Comet and Cupid... Donna Dixon?
Sit down, Simpson.

Bart: KWYJIBO. K-W-Y-J-I-B-O. Twenty-two points. Plus triple word score. Plus fifty points for using all my letters. Game's over, I'm outta here.
Homer: Wait a minute, you little cheater! You're not going anywhere until you tell me what a kwyjibo is.
Bart: Kwyjibo. Ah... a big dumb balding North American ape. With no chin.
Marge: And a short temper.
Homer: I'll show you a big dumb balding ape!
Bart: Uh oh, kwyjibo on the loose!

Marge: Bart, this is a big day for you. Why don't you eat something a little more nutritious.
Homer: Nonsense, Marge. Frosty Krusty Flakes are what got him where he is today. It could be one of these chemicals here that makes him so smart.

Homer: Come on, Bart. Your mother's only trying to help. So go ahead and enjoy the show.
Marge: Homer, you're going too.
Homer: But I'm not a genius. Why should I suffer?

Lisa: Here's a good job at the fireworks factory.
Homer: Those perfectionists? Forget it.

After lugging a huge boulder to the bridge, only to find one sitting there.
Homer: Well. Live and learn.

Homer: A boy without mischief is like a bowling ball without a liquid center.

Homer: You heard me. I won't be in for the rest of the week. [...] I told you! My baby beat me up. [...] No, it's not the worst excuse I ever thought up.

Homer: Twenty million women in the world and I had to marry Jane Fonda.

Lionel Hutz (Phil Hartman): My fee is fifty percent.
Homer: Fifty percent?
Lionel Hutz: You'll be getting more than just a lawyer, Mr. Simpson. You'll also be getting this exquisite faux pearl necklace—a ninety-nine dollar value—as our gift to you.

Homer ordering blowfish: C'mon pal! Fugu me!

Moe: Homer, lighten up! You're making Happy Hour bitterly ironic.

Homer: English? Who needs that? I'm never going to England.

Marge: Homer, I like to think that I'm a patient, tolerant woman and that there was no line that you could cross that would make me stop loving you. But last night you didn't just cross that line, you threw up on it!

Homer: Here's good news. According to this eye-catching article, SAT scores are declining at a slower rate.
Lisa: Dad, think this paper is a flimsy hodgepodge of high-brass factoids and Larry King.
Homer: Hey, this is the only paper in America that's not afraid to tell the truth. That everything is just fine.

Marge: How are you enjoying your ham, Homey?
Homer: It's so bitter it's like acid in my mouth.
Marge: Mm. It's actually more of a honey glaze.
Lisa: Maybe you ate a clove!

Homer's Brain: Use reverse psychology.
Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated.
Homer's Brain: Okay, don't use reverse psychology.
Homer: Okay, I will!

Homer: Who's going to win today?
Lisa: The Sea Hawks because they have something to prove, the 49ers because they are pure of heart and the Raiders because they always cheat.

Homer: Three simple words: "I am gay."

Marge: Homer, has the weight loss tape reduced your appetite?
Homer: Ah, lamentably no! My gastronomic rapacity knows no satiety.

Marge: I don't know if that tape is working. You ate three desserts tonight.
Homer: Forbearance is the watchword. That triumvirate of Twinkies merely overwhelmed my resolve.
Marge: Another thing I've been wanting to talk to you about...

Homer: Now there's a Machiavellian countenance. Oo! A sextet of ale.

Homer: Come on, TV. Gimme some of that sweet sweet pap!

Marge: Homer, are you actually giving up your faith?
Homer: No! No no no no! Well, yes.

Homer: Hey Ganeesha, want a peanut?
Apu: Please do not offer my god a peanut.

Ned: Homer, God didn't set your house on fire.
Rev. Lovejoy: No, but He was working in the hearts of your friends and neighbors when they went to your aid. Be they Christian, Jew or... miscellaneous.
Apu: Hindu! There are seven hundred million of us.
Rev. Lovejoy: Aw, that's super.

Homer: Hey there, Blimpy Boy! Flying through the sky so fancy free.

Marge: I saved this newspaper from the day Lisa was born.
Lisa: "Mondale to Hart: Where's the beef?"
Bart: "Where's the beef?" What the hell's that supposed to mean?
Homer: Heh heh heh. "Where's the beef." No wonder he won Minnesota.

Marge: Homer! That's dishwashing liquid.
Homer: Yeah, but what are you gonna go?

Krusty: I personally am going to spit in every fiftieth burger.
Homer: I like those odds.

Homer: sung to the Flintstone's song Simpson! Homer Simpson! He's the greatest guy in history. From the, Town of Springfield! He's about to hit a chestnut tree! hits tree

Homer: Heh heh heh. Oh Andy Capp, you wife-beating drunk.

Homer: Six simple words: "I'm not gay. But I'll learn."

Homer: I've heard 'em all. "I like you as a friend." "I think we should see other people." "I no speak English..."
Lisa: I get the idea.
Homer: "I'm married to the sea." "I don't want to kill you, but I will."

Homer pounding on the table: Where's my burrito! Where's my burrito!

Homer: Sorry, Mr. Burns. I don't go in for these backdoor shenanigans. Sure I'm flattered, maybe even a little curious. But the answer is no!

Homer: You couldn't fool your own mother on the foolingest day of your life with an electrified fooling machine!

Homer: God bless those pagans.

Marge: What's this? An invitation to our high school reunion. Gee, that's odd. They didn't send one to you.
Homer's Brain: This is it, Homer. It's time to tell her the terrible secret from your past.
Homer: Marge, I ate those fancy soaps you bought for the bathroom.
Marge: Oh my god!
Homer's Brain: No, the other secret.
Homer: Marge, I never graduated from high school.
Marge: Well that still doesn't explain why you ate my soap. Wait. Maybe it does.

Dondelinger: Alright, here are your exams. Fifty questions. True or false.
Homer: True.
Dondelinger: Homer, I was just describing the test.
Homer: True.
Dondelinger: Look, Homer, just take the test and you'll do fine.
Homer: False.

Homer: Alright, brain. You don't like me and I don't like you. But let's just do this and I can get back to killing you with beer.
Homer's Brain: It's a deal.

Bart: What'd you do? Screw up like the Beatles and say you were bigger than Jesus?
Homer: All the time. It was the title of our second album.

Lisa: "List your three favorite books and how they have influenced your life."
Homer: Is TV Guide a book?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Son of Sniglet?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Katharine Hepburn's Me?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Oh, I suck!

Homer: Moe, I need your advice.
Moe: Yeah?
Homer: See, I got this friend named... Joey Jo Jo... Junior... Shabadoo.
Moe: That's the worst name I ever heard.
Joey runs out of the bar sobbing
Barney: Hey! Joey Jo Jo!

Homer: The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side!
Man: That's a right triangle, you idiot!
Homer: D'oh!

Lisa: Dad, you shouldn't wear glasses that weren't prescribed for you!
Homer: Lisa, just because you're ten feet tall doesn't mean you can tell me what to do.
Bart: I'm Bart.

Homer: Remember when I let that escaped lunatic in the house because he was dressed like Santa Claus? Well you have a gambling problem!
Marge: Homer, when you forgive someone you can't throw it back at them like that.
Homer: Aw, what a gyp.

Lisa: And now you can go back to just being you, instead of a one-dimensional character with a silly catchphrase.
Homer breaks lamp: D'oh!
Bart: Aye Carumba!
Marge: Hmmm.
Flanders: Hidely-ho.
Barney: burps
Nelson: Ha ha!
Burns: Ex-cellent!
Lisa: If anyone wants me, I'll be in my room.

Marge: Ooh, Lisa! Is that too spicy for you?
Lisa: I can see through time!
Homer: Stop being such a baby. You can't be afraid to try new things. For instance, tonight I'm using a... Apu, what do you call this thing again?
Apu: A napkin.
Homer: Outrageous!

Homer: Apu, if it makes you feel any better, I've learned that life is just one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.

Marge: You know Homer, when I found out about this I went through a wide range of emotions. First I was nervous, then anxious, then wary, then apprehensive, then kinda sleepy, then worried, and then concerned. But now I realize that being a spaceman is something you have to do.
Homer: Who's doing what now?

Homer: Homer, it looks like it could gore.
Marge: Heh heh. It does look like Al Gore.

Marge: I really think this is a bad idea.
Homer: Marge, I agree with you. In theory. In theory, communism works. In theory.

Homer: Now I've had my head in an elephant, a hippo and a giant sloth.

Homer: D'oh!
Lisa: A deer!
Marge: A female deer.

Lisa: Dad! You're sinking!
Marge: Get a rope, Bart.
Homer: Nah, that's okay. I'm pretty sure I can struggle my way out. First I'll just reach in and pull my legs out. {his arms and legs are now stuck} Now I'll pull my arms out with my face.

Marge: Homer, you didn't do a very good job frosting Maggie's birthday cake!
Homer: What? It's not Maggaggie's birthday?

Homer: But every time I learn something new, it pushes out something old! Remember that time I took a home wine-making course and forgot how to drive?
Marge: That's because you were drunk!
Homer: And how.

Homer: Look everyone! Now that I'm a teacher I've sewn patches on my elbows.
Marge: Homer that's supposed to be leather patches on a tweed jacket, not the other way around. You've ruined a perfectly good jacket.
Homer: Incorrect, Marge. Two perfectly good jackets!

Homer: I'm taking a shortcut.
Marge: Homer, no. You're gonna get lost.
Homer: Trust me, Marge! With today's modern cars you can't get lost. What with all the silicon chips and such. {after the shortcut} Alright, we're here. Let us never speak of the shortcut again.

Homer: But Marge, I was a political prisoner!
Marge: How were you a political prisoner?
Homer: I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do I have to draw you a diagram?!

Marge: I guess we could get more involved in Bart's activities but then I'd be afraid of smothering him.
Homer: Yeah. And then we'd get the chair.
Marge: That's not what I meant.
Homer: It was, Marge. Admit it.

Homer: Come on, guys. This bar is like a tavern to me.

Marge: Homer don't start stalking people again! It's so... illegal.

Number One: Homer Simpson, for your continuing and baffling desecration of our beloved sacred parchment, you are hereby banished from the Stonecutters forever.

Marge: You know, you are a member of a very exclusive club.
Homer: Black Panthers?
Marge: No!

Al: Show up tomorrow, bring three rags. Oh and, ah, change your pants.
Homer: Why?
Al: When it happens, you'll know.

Homer: Clown college. You can't eat that.

Krusty: Now. When the wealthy dowager comes in the party's over right? Wrong! {he slams a pie in her face}
Homer writing: "Kill wealthy dowager".

Homer: Who am I clowning? I have no business being a clown. I'm leaving the clowning business to all the other clowns in the clowning business.

Marge: I'm not saying it won't work, I'm just saying it's dishonest.
Homer: Well if we agree then why are we arguing?!

Homer: Burkina Faso? Disputed Zone? Who called all these weird places?
Homer's Brain: Quiet. It might be you! I can't remember.
Homer: Naw, I'm going to ask Marge.
Homer's Brain: No, no! Why embarrass us both? Just write a check and I'll release some more endorphins.

Bart: Hey guys, just so you don't hear any wild rumors, I'm being indicted for fraud in Australia.
Homer: Pfft. That's no reason to block the TV.

Homer: My ears are burning.
Lisa: I wasn't talking about you, Dad.
Homer: No, my ears are really burning. I wanted to see inside, so I lit a Q-tip.

Supervisor: Wait a minute. Those are yours sir?
Homer: Yes. I am in flavor country.
Supervisor: Both of them?
Homer: It's a big country.
Supervisor: Ladies, I apologize. And you, sir, are worse than Hitler.

Homer: Okay, I'm never going to win Father of the Year. In fact, I'm probably the last guy in the world to have kids... wait, let me rephrase that. I love my kids. I'd do anything for Bart and Lisa.
Judge: And Margaret?
Homer: Who? Lady, you must have the wrong file.
Marge: She's talking about Maggie.
Homer: Oh! Maggie. I've got nothing against Maggie.

Homer: I've got the prescription for you, Doctor. Another hot beef injection?

Homer: Hee hee. I pity those poor suckers on the freeway. Gas break honk. Gas break honk. Honk honk punch. Gas gas gas.

Homer: How could you?! Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whats-his-name? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn't hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. {Makes sound effects and laughs}. Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze.

Homer: Oh! Why does my death keeping coming back to haunt me!

About an Ayatollah Assahollah t-shirt
Homer: It works on any Ayatollah! Ayatollah Nakhbadeh, Ayatollah Zahedi... Even as we speak, Ayatollah Razmara and his cadre of fanatics are consolidating their power!

Homer: Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night.

Homer: You suck-diddly-uck, Flanders!

Homer: You're always right about this sort of thing. and for once I want in on the ground floor.

Lisa: Miss Hoover didn't believe me. She called me a PC thug!
Homer: Well I've been called a greasy thug too. And it never stops hurting.

Moe: Homer, I support most any prejudice you can name, but your herophobia sickens me. You and your daughter ain't welcome here anymore. Barney, show them the exit.
Barney: There's an exit?

Homer: Here are your messages: "You have thirty minutes to move your car." "You have ten minutes to move your car." "Your car has been impounded." "Your car has been crushed into a cube." "You have thirty minutes to move your cube."

Bart: Dad, what's a muppet?
Homer: Well, it's not quite a mop, not quite a puppet, but man... laughs, then pauses. So, to answer you question, I don't know.

Corgan: Billy Corgan, Smashing Pumpkins.
Homer: Homer Simpson, smiling politely.

Homer: So I realized that being with my family is more important than being cool.
Bart: Dad, what you just said was powerfully uncool.
Homer: You know what the song says: "It's hip to be square."
Lisa: That song is so lame.
Homer: So lame that it's... cool?
Bart and Lisa: No.
Marge: Am I cool, kids?
Bart and Lisa: No.
Marge: Good. I'm glad. And that's what makes me cool—not caring, right?
Bart and Lisa: No.
Marge: Well, how the hell do you be cool? I feel like we've tried everything here.
Homer: Wait, Marge. Maybe if you're truly cool, you don't need to be told you're cool.
Bart: Well, sure you do.
Lisa: How else would you know?

Homer: trying to casually buy illegal fireworks Let me have one of those porno magazines, large box of condoms, a bottle of Old Harper, a couple of those panty shields, and some illegal fireworks, and one of those disposable enemas... eh, make it two.
Later...
Marge seeing Homer's purchases: I don't know what you've got planned for tonight, Homer, but count me out.

Homer: Yes sir, Mr Scorpion!
Hank: Don't call me that. It's Mr. Scorpio, but don't call me that either. Call me Hank!

Hank Scorpio: By the way, Homer, what's your least favorite country? Italy or France?
Homer: France.
Hank adjusts a giant laser
Hank Scorpio: Heh heh. Nobody ever says Italy.

Marge: You know how I feel about hoaxes.
Homer: Still?!

Homer: I'd like to file for... dramatic pause Divorce.
Lady: These things happen. Eight dollars.

Marge: I'm going into the dining room to have a conversation. If you want to join me, fine. (leaves room) Hello Marge, how's the family? I don't want to talk about it. Mind your own business!
Homer: Keep it down in there!

Homer: This is Homer Simpson, aka Happy Dude. The court is making me call everybody back and apologize for my telemarketing scam. I'm sorry. If you can find it in your heart to forgive me, send one dollar to Sorry Dude, 742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield. You have the power.

Homer: Note to self: Stop. Doing. Anything.

Homer: I hope I didn't brain my damage.

Homer: In your face, space coyote!

Mulder: Mr. Simpson, we want you to recreate your every move the night you saw the alien.
Homer: The evening began at the gentleman's club, where we were discussing Wittgenstein over a game of backgammon.
Scully: Mr. Simpson, it's a felony to lie to the FBI.
Homer: We were sitting in Barney's car eating packets of mustard. Happy?

Scully: Homer, we're going to ask you a few simple yes or no questions. Do you understand?
Homer: Yes. lie detector blows up.

Fat Tony: Greetings, Homer.
Homer: Hey! Fat Tony! You still with the Mafia?

Homer: You mean the mob only did me a favor to get something in return? Oh, Fat Tony. I will say Good day to you sir!

Homer: Cram it with walnuts, ugly!

Homer: Is this episode going on the air live?
June Velany: No Homer, very few cartoons are broadcast live. It's a terrible strain on the animator's wrist.

Homer drops large jar of coins creating hole: Hello? China? A little help?

John (John Waters) : It's camp! The ludicrously tragic? The tragically ludicrous?
Homer: Oh yeah. Like when a clown dies.

Homer: That John is the greatest guy in the world. We've gotta have him and his wife over for drinks sometime.
Marge: Mmm, I don't think he's married, Homer.
Homer: Oh, a swinging bachelor, eh? Well, there's lots of foxy ladies out there.
Marge: Homer, didn't John seem a little... festive to you?
Homer: Couldn't agree more. Happy as a clam!
Marge: insisting He prefers the company of men!
Homer: Who doesn't?
Marge: Homer, listen carefully. John is a ho... mo...
Homer: Right. Right.
Marge: ...sexual.
Homer: Augh!!

Homer: They ruined all our best names like Bruce and Lance and Julian. Those were the toughest names we had! Now they're just...
John: Queer?
Homer: Yeah, and that's another thing! I resent you people using that word. That's our word for making fun of you! We need it!

Bart: Dad, why'd you bring me to a gay steel mill?
Homer: I don't know! This is a nightmare! You're all sick!
Worker: Oh be nice!

Homer: Here's to alcohol, the cause of—and solution to—all life's problems.

Mr. Sparkle Plant Worker: Mushi mushi!
Homer: This is Homer Simpson from America. Who may I say is speaking to me?
Worker hands phone to another Worker: Hello chief, let's talk, why not?
Homer: Um, hello? Why am I Mr. Sparkle?
Worker: You like Mr. Sparkle?
Homer: Well, I am Mr. Sparkle.
Worker: You have many questions, Mr. Sparkle. I send you premium answer question 100%!
Homer: Oooh!

Salesman: Surely you can't put a price on your family's lives?
Homer: I wouldn't have thought so either, but here we are.

Apu: Is it me or do your plans involve some horrible web of lies?
Homer: It's you.

Homer: Here comes Lee Marvin. Thank god! He's always drunk and violent.

Homer: Singing is the lowest form of communication.

Marge: Homer, you sing all the time.
Homer: No I don't. I hate to rhyme!

After Homer turns on the Christmas lights.
Bart: It's craptacular.

Homer: They have the internet on computers now!

Homer: correcting a superior officer Nu-cu-lar. It's pronounced nu-cu-lar.

Praying heavenward
Homer: I'm not normally a religious man. But if you're up there, save me, Superman!

Homer: Lisa, can you open the window? They have daddy's fingerprints on file.

Homer: Marge, can we trade? I don't trust these guys.

Homer: Marge, if you don't mind I'm a little busy now achieving financial independence.
Marge: Through cans of grease?
Homer: No. Through savings and wise investment. Of course with grease!

Man: Uh, sir, you can't operate a boat under the influence of alcohol.
Homer: That sounds like a wager to me!

Ron Howard sniffing Homer's breath: Do I smell vodka... and wheatgrass?
Homer: It's called a lawnmower, I invented it. You want one?
Ron Howard: Yeah, okay.
Kim Basinger: And I'll have a rum and zinc.

Homer: Homer Simpson does not lie twice on the same form! He never has and he never will.
Marge: You lied dozens of times on our mortgage application.
Homer: Yeah, but they were all part of a single ball of lies.

Maude Flanders: My eyes have been soiled!
Homer: Come on, Maude. The human wang is a beautiful thing.

Homer: I guess the juice business is more important than the ideals our hippie forefathers refused to go to war and die for.

Announcer: The start of television's second most exciting season—mid-season!—is just two hundred exciting seconds away.
Homer: Car?
Marge: Locked.
Homer: Phone?
Lisa: Unplugged.
Homer: Dog? Cat?
Bart: Taped and corked.
Homer: Perfect.

Marge: You changed your name without consulting me?
Homer: That's the way Max Power is, Marge. Decisive. Uncompromising. And rude.

Marge: But I fell in love with Homer Simpson. I don't want to snuggle with Max Power.
Homer: Nobody snuggles with Max Power. You strap yourself in and feel the G's.
Marge: Oh lord!

Trent Steele: Great name.
Homer: Yeah, isn't it? I got if off a hairdryer.

Homer: Uh oh. Here comes Lorne Michaels. Pretend you don't see him.

Homer: Don't worry kids, I know just what to do. Jumanji! Doesn't anything from the movies work?!

Homer: Oh! When will Detroit build a sunroof for the husky gentleman!

Homer: I'd like to read the following statement, but I do so under {a gun cocks} my own free will. It has come to my attention that NBC sucks. I apologize for misleading you and urge you to watch as many FOX shows as possible. So in summary, NBC bad. FOX good. CBS great.

Homer: Oh no, I'm not falling for that again. If it doesn't have Siamese twins in a jar it's not a fair.

Homer: Oo! Here's something you'll like: When Animals Attack Magicians.

Homer: What's happening to me? There's still food, but I don't want to eat it. I've become everything I've ever hated.

Astrid Weller (Isabella Rossellini): Your husband's work is what we call "outsider art". It could be by a mental patient, or a hillbilly, or a chimpanzee.
Homer: In high school I was voted most likely to *be* a mental patient, hillbilly, or chimpanzee!

Homer: Matt Groening! What's he doing in a museum? He can barely draw. {A giant eraser comes in} Oh no! I'm being erased!

Bart: Are you sure this is art, not vandalism?
Homer: That's for the courts to decide, son.

Homer: Oh, yeah! I'm betting on Jai Alai in the Cayman Islands, I invested in something called "News Corp"—
Lisa: Dad, that's FOX!
Homer: Undo! Undo!

Marge: C'mon, Homer, Japan will be fun. You like Rashomon.
Homer: That's not how I remember it. Besides, if we wanted to see Japanese people we could have gone to the zoo!
Marge: Homer!
Homer: What? The guy who washes the elephants is Japanese. His name is Takashi! He's in my book club!

Wink: Don't worry. That "lava" is just Orange Ade, made by our sponsor Osaka Orange Ade Concern.
Homer: It burns! It burns!
Wink: It's loaded with wasabi!

Mel Gibson: I'm getting too old for this crap.
Homer: How old are you anyway?
Mel Gibson: Well I've been told I can play anywhere from 28 to—
Homer: Sorry I asked!

Editor: This is a joke, right? I mean this is the stupidest thing I've ever read!
Homer: What's wrong with it?
Editor: You keep using words like "pasghetti" and "momatoes," you make numerous threatening references to the UN, and at the end you repeat the words "Screw Flanders" over and over again.

Homer: Stupid sexy Flanders!

Brother Faith: Brother, I sense you are feeling trapped and desperate.
Homer: Yeah! And I got a bucket on my head.

Homer: I see the light! It burns!

Lisa: Do you have any food that wasn't brutally slaughtered?
Homer: Well I think the veal might have died of loneliness.

Bart: Who are those pleasant old men?
Homer: It's BTO. They're Canada's answer to EOP. Their big hit was TCB. That's how we talked in the 70s. We didn't have a moment to spare!

About Hawaii
Homer: We'll take the cure, bag a few lobsters, then watch some gay guys get married.

Homer: Save me Jebus!

Homer: If The Flintstone's has taught us anything, it's that pelicans can be used to mix cement.

Homer: Florida? But that's America's wang.
Plant Psychiatrist: They prefer the Sunshine State.

Marge: Nobody told us how tough it is to raise kids. They almost drove me to fortified wine.
Homer: Then we figured out we could park them in front of the TV. That's how I was raised and I turned out TV.

Marge: Okay, the material was a little corny, but Homer and I had real chemistry on screen.
Homer: Every day I thought about firing Marge. You know, just to shake things up.

Homer: Why did I take such punishment? Let's just say fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug was the drugs.

Homer: I want to set the record straight: I thought the cop was a prostitute.

Homer: Honey, there's a point in every father's life when he blows up his daughter's room.
Lisa: Oh yeah? You didn't blow up Maggie's room. {there's an explosion down the hall}

Lisa: I'm all for ethnic diversity but this is just pandering.
Homer: Maybe so, but Dawson is gonna be bummed.

Homer: Ow! That bullet went in!

Homer: Now, talks into mouse Computer, kill Flanders.
Flanders: Did I hear my name? My ears are burning.
Homer to computer: Good start. Now finish the job.

Marge: This is terrible! How will the kids get home?
Homer: I dunno. Internet?

Homer: I have a great way to solve our money woes. You rent your
womb to a rich childless couple. If you agree, signify by getting indignant.
Marge: Are you crazy? I'm not going to be a surrogate mother.
Homer: C'mon, Marge, we're a team. It's uter-US, not uter-YOU.
Marge: Forget it!

Scientist: That appetite depressant is amazing!
Scientist 2: Homer... you really have no desire to eat that food?
Homer: Food... food?! I'm blind! Augh! Augh!
Scientist: Who's gonna buy a pill that makes you blind?
Scientist 2: Why don't we let marketing worry about that.

Homer: Please, turn me back into the blissful boob I was.
Scientist: Sorry, we don't play god here.
Homer: Huh? You do nothing but play god! And I think your octo-parrot would agree with me.
Octo-Parrot: Awk! Polly shouldn't be!

Marge: Lisa, a missing crayon could be anywhere.
Homer jumps inside through a window
Homer: Who wants lottery tickets?
Marge: Okay, it's in his brain.

Abe: You don't care what happens to me when I die!
Homer: Of course I do, Dad! And if it were up to me you wouldn't die at all. But try telling that to Killy McGee up there!

Homer: What on Earth are you doing?
Lisa: Practicing tennis.
Homer: That's tennis? Oh! What's the one where the chicks wail on each other?
Bart: Foxy boxing?

Lisa: Oedipus killed his father and married his mother.
Homer: Ugh. Who pays for that wedding?

Lisa: Dad, I think you're over-reacting.
Homer: I think you're under-reacting.
Lisa: This session's over.
Homer: This session's under!
Lisa: Goodbye.
Homer: Bad bye!

Saleswoman: Your baby is dead!
Homer and Marge: Oh no!
Saleswoman: That's what you'd hear if your baby fell victim to the thousands of deathtraps lurking in the average American home.
Homer: You really scared us there.
Saleswoman: I'm sorry, but the truth is, your baby—Maggie Simpson—is dead! Dead tired of baby-proofers who don't provide a free estimate. Let's start in the kitchen.

Homer: Wow. Now that's a goiter.

Bart: Why don't you try to set a record, Dad?
Homer: That's a great idea! Do you think I could run a mile in three-and-a-half minutes?
Bart: Only on Mars.
Homer: The Simpsons are going to Mars!

Man: The only way someone new can get in the book is with some kind of group stunt.
Homer: Group stunt?
Woman: Like the town that made the world's largest omelet.
Homer: Denver?
Woman: No. Spanish.

Record Book Guy: Everyone, welcome to the Duff Book of World Records. Springfield is the world's fattest town.
Homer: Woo hoo! In your face, Milwaukee!

Homer: Wait. You went to a sugar factory? Were there Oompa Loompas?
Marge: There was one in a cage. But he wasn't moving.

Kent Brockman: Good evening. Our top story: Springfield's cake hole has been shut forever. Under what has been dubbed "Marge's Law," all forms of sugar are now illegal.
Homer: Thank you, Erin Choco-Snitch. That was a group effort.

Spanish Guy: Okay, man, here's the sugar. Now you give us the money.
Homer leaving with sugar: That wasn't part of the deal.
Spanish Guy pulls out contract: He's right. Who wrote this thing?!

Homer: But isn't marijuana or "dope" illegal?
Dr. Hibbert: Only for those that enjoy it.

Bart: Dad I though you didn't like her saxophone.
Homer: I didn't, but now Daddy's special medicine—(raises voice menacingly) which you must never use because it will RUIN YOUR LIFE—let's Daddy see and hear magical things you will never experience. EVER!

Marge: Now before we get there, you have to put this blindfold on.
Homer: All my other senses are getting sharper! Bart, you had pizza for lunch. Lisa, you're extremely depressed.

Krusty: Hey, Homer, do you remember this voice?
Homer: Kathleen Turner! Rawrrrrr!

Marge: Homer, these people are professional roasters. Don't give them fodder.

Homer: Are you sure you don't want to come to our Civil War reenactment? We need plenty of Indians to shoot.
Apu: I do not know which part of that statement to correct first.

Judge Roy Snyder: Homer Simpson, for attempted insecticide and aggravated buggery, I sentence you to 200 hours community service.

Old Jewish Man: Didn't these meals used to have cobbler?
Homer: Uh. They discontinued the cobbler.
Old Jewish Man: You smell like cobbler!
Homer: Now let's not get in to who smells like what.

Homer: Can't you do anything? Surprise witnesses? Evidence tampering? Play the race card! {menacingly} Play it!

Homer is talking to Carmen Electra's chest
Carmen Electra: Uh. Homer, my face is up here.
Homer: I've made my choice.

Marge: I couldn't even wake you up for work this morning. I had to tell Mr. Burns you had violent diarrhea.
Homer: Oh! Couldn't you come up with a less embarrassing lie?
Marge: But you did have violent diarrhea. Nobody open the hallway closet until I say it's okay.

Homer: I'm so excited I couldn't fall asleep. I even took some pills I found on the floor and still nothing.
Apu: You took some pills you found on the floor?
Homer: Uh huh. Now I'm afraid that if I stop talking I'll die. Isn't Mick cool? I thought he'd be all like, "I'm a rock star. Aren't I great?" But he's just like you or me, or Jesus over there.

Elvis Costello: Come on. Who'd like to be a bass player?
Homer: Out of my way, Nerdlinger. grabs guitar and knocks off Elvis' glasses
Elvis Costello: My image!

Announcer: ...Victory seems certain for Governor Thomas C. Dewey.
Homer: Dewey! Dewey! Dewey!
Lisa: Dad, I'm telling you. Truman wins.

Marge: Homey, are you as attracted to me as you were when we met?
Homer: Sure. Why not.

Homer: Wow. Someone's tucked in to an insane degree.

Lisa: Mom! What happened? Your endowment's bigger than Harvard's.
Homer: Well that cinches it. Lisa gets the prize for the best off-the-cuff response.
Lisa: Actually I saw them earlier and I was working on it in the hall.

Homer: Shut up, boy.
Bart: I don't get a song? Mom got a song!
Homer: With the economy the way it is, you're lucky you get soup.

Sideshow Bob: How can one ordinary man have so many enemies?
Homer: I'm a people person. Who drinks.

Lisa: Mom. Dad. My birthday's coming up and Girltech Turbo Diaries are in stores now.
Homer: Lisa, nobody likes a shill.
Lisa: Just buy me the friggin' toy.
Homer: Heh heh heh. I love that little shill.

Lisa: I don't like McNuggets. I'm a vegetarian!
Homer: Still?!

Homer: Now, if you need to reach me, my email is chunkylover53 at AOL.
Dexter Colt: Chunky Lover 53...
Homer: It's one word.
Dexter Colt: One word.
Homer: Chunkylover53.
Dexter Colt: AOL.
Homer: Dot com.

Homer: Lisa's pet peeve is phonies? I thought she loved them!

Lisa: How could you?
Homer: Well all the childless drunks at Moe's thought it was a good idea.

Some drywall collapses and Maggie crawls out
Homer: Maggie! That's where you were, honey! You were hiding in the drywall, yes you were. Daddy's sure happy social services didn't see this, yes he is.

Homer: Oh my darling, nothing is too romantic for you. Have some more liquor!

Homer: Thank you, outdoor advertising! You've saved my marriage. And not for the first time.

Homer: Oh! Nobody loves oily Homer.

Successmanship 101 Teacher: You there! The greasy naked bald man!
Homer: You know everything about me.

Homer: "Tip 1: Live each day like it was your last." {cut to Homer sitting on a curb, crying}. I don't wanna die! I'm so young!

Homer: All my life I've had one dream: to achieve my many goals.

Marge: Homey, don't let it get you down. So Mr. Burns doesn't take you seriously. Big woop. Who gives a doodle. Whoopie ding dong doo.
Homer: Thanks for trying, but I'll be at Moe's.
Marge: So my husband goes to a bar every night. Whoopety-do. Who gives a bibble. Gabba gabba hey.

Mr. Burns: That man's mad! Smithers, get this bedlamite an alienist.
Homer: No! It's entirely within my power.

Mr. Burns: Knock knock.
Homer: Mr. Burns! Where's Mr. Smithers?
Mr. Burns: He's doing eighty years on an opium bust. I never saw a man take to a Turkish prison so quickly.

Homer to Maggie: Prove me wrong, Silent Bob!

Homer: TV and Nightmares have joined forces to teach me a lesson.

Homer: I'm unloved by Al? Death points to the grave. I'm unloved by all?!

Bart: Dad. You blew it. You listened to Lisa and then you lost your stranglehold on the audience.
Homer: I'll audience you!

Homer as he crashes through the power plant and hits someone: Aw! That was the grief counselor!

Homer singing: Here in my car/I'm hosing off blood/Some of it's mine/ but most of it's not.

Homer: Long have we awaited the coming of the white man... and Carl.

Homer: I offer you the guidance of my daughter, Sacagawea. In our language, that means "know-it-all who never shuts her maize-hole".

Homer: Coke and Pepsi are the same thing! Wake up people!

Marge: Hostess Twinkies?
Homer: I heard if you age them for ten years, they turn to liquor.

Homer: Boy are you in trouble.
Bart: What are you talking about?
Homer: When a woman says nothing's wrong, that means everything's wrong. And when a woman says everything's wrong, that means everything's wrong. And when a woman says something's not funny, you'd better not laugh your ass off.

Homer: Son, seeing sappy movies with a lady has certain payoffs.
Bart: Like what? They'll do something with you that they hate?
Homer: Exactly.

Homer: As the Bible says, "Screw that!"

Homer singing: Come on everybody, have some sexual congress! Not the kind of congress that contains Paul Tsongas!

Homer: All I wanted was a second honeymoon. And now the floor is made of lava.

Marge: I like shirts with a nice joke. Like "Support Our Troops."
Homer: Bart's shirt is a classic, Marge. Just like "Keep on Truckin'." As if I would ever want to stop truckin'.

Homer: Nothing makes parents happier than when an eccentric single man takes an interest in their child.

Lisa: We're supposed to do this without parental help.
Homer: Sweetie, that's orphan talk.

Homer: Hey! Maybe the internet has the information I need. It certainly answered a lot of my questions about wang enhancement.

Homer: The internet wasn't created for mockery! It was supposed to help researchers at different universities share data sets. It was!

Sports Newscaster: But first, professional sports continues its downward march into the gutter.
Homer: Heh heh heh. This is either about me or steroids.

Homer: What?! Spider poison is people poison?

Insurance Agent: Are you a smoker?
Homer: Yes I am.
Marge: You don't smoke!
Homer: Sh. I want her to think I'm cool.

Homer: I have a backyard that makes my front yard look like an idiot.

Homer: This is a parent's worst nightmare. They've stolen a car and they're home alone!

Flanders: Son we're here to help with your... uh, which addiction are we going after here?
Homer: Overeating. And if there's time we'll get to my drinking. But there won't be time.

Homer: I am not too fat. I'm alive, aren't I?
Tab Spangler: Mr. Simpson, you're suffering from P.S.I. Poor Self Esteem. points to the PSI sign. That's not I. Every sign is wrong!
Homer: Oh that's terrible.
Tab Spangler: We got a long drive ahead. You wanna pull off at a motel? We'll split a room.
Homer: Where will I sleep?
Tab Spangler: We can worry about that when we're standing naked before the bed! My goodness! No wonder you eat. What are you eating now?
Homer: Cheeseburger.
Tab Spangler: You're a catastrophe! Let me have half of it.
Homer: I don't wanna.
Tab Spangler: I just want the cheese. I don't want the meat. I do want the meat!
Homer: Here's a corner.
Tab Spangler: Let me just bite it. Don't rip it! Let me have the whole thing. You'll get some later.
Homer: You're a selfish jerk.
Tab Spangler: I smelled it. It has to be eaten!
Homer: But it's my burger.
Tab Spangler: I'm driving. I'll kill us.
Homer: Fine. I'd rather die.

Homer: Marge the Rapture is nigh. These books will help me figure out how nigh.

Homer: It's the end of the world! God loves you! He's going to kill you!

Homer: Stupid family. Won't even come to my Rapture. I went to Lisa's play! Which had serious pacing problems.

Homer: You wear a bathing suit in the bathtub?
Ned: Yeah! So I can't see my own shrinky-dink.
Homer: Makes... sense.

Homer: What are you guys laughing at? If you say Jimmy Fallon, I'll know you're lying.

Homer: Oh! Who am I fooling with my awesome lies! I want you to come back to Springfield.
Ned: Why? So you can make me a laughingstock again?
Homer: No. I want to make you a respectingstock.

Homer: Alright. You can shoot your gay adult film at my house.
Fat Tony: I didn't say anything about gay.
Homer: I thought you guys were the gay mafia.

Lisa: They're tearing down the pier.
Bart: But what will junkies do drugs under?
Homer: They'll bounce back, son. They're a strong people.

Homer about My Sharona: That song is a pop music footnote! the bullies pause I didn't say stop!

Lisa: Dad! Don't act like Mussolini.
Homer: Hm. I thought I was doing Donald Trump.

Marge: Homey, what's that? On the back of your head?
Homer: It's called headvertising. It creates brand awareness without relying on traditional media.
Marge: Well it creeps me out. Homer turns off the light Wow. It glows in the dark.
Homer confused: It's not supposed to.

Homer: I'm stuck! And I have to pee. pause Now I'm just stuck.

Homer: You're giving me absolute power?
Burns: Mm hm.
Smithers: Sir, doesn't that corrupt?
Burns: Absolutely not.

Homer (captaining the Mayflower): Don't worry, Marge! I'll see to it you fundamentalist Christians live to take over all of America by the 21st century!

Bart: Dad, isn't it wrong to open and/or eat other people's mail?
Homer: Son, all our mail has ever brought me is bad news. Bills, jury duty, Entertainment Weekly...

Bart: So how did Malt Liquor Mommy die?
Marge: Stop calling her that!
Lenny: I'll tell you how she died. You know that sign that says, "Do not stand up on the roller coaster"?
Bart: Yeah.
Lenny: She overdosed right in front of it.
Marge: Low class all the way.
Homer: Marge, could you let it go? You won. She's dead.

Homer: Spare us your medical mumbo jumbo. Just give us the pills. Clear cut his brain down to the nub.

That candy's been here an awfully long time. I'd think twice if I were you.
Homer: Don't tell me how many times to think.

Marge: Homer! Our son joined the army!
Homer: Eh. Big deal. By the time Bart's 18 we're gonna control the world. We're China, right?

Homer: There once was a rapping tomato
That's right, I said rapping tomato
He rapped all day, from April 'til May
And also, guess what, it was me.

Marge: Homer! Don't drink and drive.
Homer: Fine. I'll drive between sips.

Homer giving Marge more popsicle sticks: This is the most fun I've ever had giving you wood.

Homer about Gil: Why did you let that loser into our home?
Marge: I'll tell you why: Christian charity.
Homer: Christian Charity? What does a porn star have to do with this?

Moe: What's the matter Homer? Still miss the UPN?

Homer: But I thought bankruptcy was the cool law. The one that says, "Don't worry. I got this."

Mrs. Lovejoy: We're here about the mattress.
Homer: What's wrong with it?
Reverend Lovejoy: We tried raising Cain. But we weren't able.

Homer: Did you know that everyday Mexican gays sneak into this country and unplug our brain dead ladies?

Mr. Burns: And just so you know, she'll do anything for you. Anything except sex! And I do mean "anything".
Homer: Oh... I'm aroused. And confused.

Homer: Dr. Frederick J. Waxman, you're a genius!
Colby Kraus (Stephen Colbert): That's not my name.
Homer: I wasn't talking to you.

Homer: Bart, I'll need some clean urine, STAT!

Homer: Man, you work as a silhouette model for one day and it haunts you for the rest of your life.

Homer about the towing business: Wow, you make people miserable and there's nothing they can do about it! Just like God.

Marge: You have to be there. You miss way too many precious moments in the children's lives.
Homer: What? Name twelve.
Bart: Well, just this week there's been field day, pick me up from airport—
Lisa: And the father-daughter dance!

Marge: Homer, you can not miss Lisa's big day. And you have to come sober!
Homer: American sober or Irish sober?
Marge: .08 sober!
Homer: .15!
Marge: .09!
Homer: .10. With a stomach full of bread. Final offer.

Marge: Homer, I'm a hostage in a bank robbery!
Homer: What? Oh my god! My sweet Margie! Okay, listen very carefully: don't do anything they say, remain panicky, and above all try to be a hero.

Homer: Marge give me a break. I don't notice the color of people's eyes. I just judge them by the color of their skin.

Bart: Why do all your stories have commercials in them for the Container Store?
Homer: Because if I do it enough maybe they'll start to pay me.

Surgeon: Okay, count backwards from ten.
Homer: Fine. I admit it. I'm drunk.

Homer: Heh heh heh. I spit on your corpse, advertiser-supported television!

Homer: Hey boy, do you know where the family is? Show me on MapQuest. SLH growls Fine. Google Maps.

Homer: Flanders, why did you call the cops last night?
Flanders: I had to. I heard a hub-bub, Bub.
Homer: What did I do?!?!
Flanders: Well, can't say for sure but as a Christian I assume the worst!

Homer: The mother of my children with the reason for my children!
Marge: Homer, please!
Duff Man: I'm just giving it to your wife. She is going to be sore tomorrow.

Homer: Listen carefully: I've taken your wife hostage. If you don't have a wife I have kidnapped your brother. Nod if you understand. Good. Now back away from Burns and I will let your dog live.

Homer: If you haven't sprung from or are married to my loins get out of this house. You too, Fred Thompson.
Fred Thompson: But I was in Die Hard.
Homer: Die Hard 2.

Marge: We wouldn't be in this trouble if you'd just pay the heating bill.
Homer: I thought Global Warming would take care of it. Al Gore can't do anything right!

Homer: Okay, I'll keep the LPs, and you take the CDs. I'll take the typewriter, you take the computer. I'll take the Enron stock, you take the Microsoft stock...

Homer: For the next two hours we'll be kid-free. It'll be just like the time we lost them at the mall. That was the best Christmas ever.

Homer singing: Driver of a loaner car! [Much better than a] Driver of my normal car!

Homer: Oh boy, dinnertime. The perfect break between work and drunk!

Homer: C'mon Bart, all the nerds are doing it.
Bart: I'm not a nerd. I'm a jock who's too cool for sports.

Homer: Well that's our book for the year. I think we've earned some TV.

Homer: Stop saying things, Bart. That's the TV's job.

Marge: Homey, I'm going to be a dancer!
Homer: Go-Go or boring?
Marge: Boring!
Homer: Oh.

Homer: Son, while your mother and little sister are out I'm going to let you in on a deep dark family secret.
Bart: You have a drinking problem?
Homer: I said "secret". Have you ever wondered what I do in that locked room?
Bart: Gay out?
Homer: Well wonder no more!
Bart: Beef jerky? The queen of all the jerkys!

Homer: Dad, are you sure you're okay to drive at night?
Grampa Simpson: It's night?!

Homer: Kids, marriage is like a car. Along the way it has its bumps and dings. And this country can't make one that lasts more than five years.

Bart: So Dean Martin would show up at the last minute and do everything in just one take?
Homer: That's right.
Bart: But Wikipedia said he was passionate about rehearsal!
Homer: Don't you worry about Wikipedia. We'll change it when we get home. menacingly We'll change a lot of things.

Homer: What could be greater than eating and drinking for hours in a drizzling parking lot.
Lisa: Anything.
Bart: Everything.

Drew Carey: What I love about Krusty is he's always on. But to find out what, you gotta test his pee.
Homer: Pee! Ha ha ha.
Drew Carey: Seriously. Test his pee. He's a danger to the community.

Homer about the kissing Lincolns: The one on the left looks into it but the one on the right is just experimenting.

Homer: I loved you, man.
Ned: For the last few weeks. But most of the time I've known you, you've treated me like dirt.
Homer: You hang on to resentment like a Confederate widow!
Ned: I forgave you for accidentally killing my wife.
Homer: Yeah, but you hang on to the big things.

Homer: Wow. Nobody gives better parenting advice than childless drunks.

Mapple Guy: Sir, it's not even turned on.
Homer: But it's glowing.
Mapple Guy: That light confirms that it's off.

Moe: This Bashir kid is Muslim. And therefore up to something.
Homer: Oh. I can't believe that until I see a fictional TV program espousing your point of view.

Marge: Homer that's very nice of you having Bart's Muslim friend's Muslim family over.
Homer: Here's the plan. You keep them drunk. I'll be listening. And quietly judging.

Marge: You're teaching Bart a terrible lesson of intolerance!
Homer: I'm sorry. It's just so fun and easy to judge people based on their religion.
Marge: I want you to go over to their house and apologize.
Homer: But we're the more powerful country for a few more years!

Skinner: By the way, I enjoyed the photos of your trip to Yosemite.
Homer: Oh, that. We were actually going out for brunch and I got lost. But don't worry, Officer. We'll definitely have a talk with the boy.

Lisa: Dad, just because you won a high school election doesn't mean your whole life would've been better.
Homer: That's exactly what it means! And Dondelinger took that life away from me. And the taking of a life is murder. And the punishment for murder is— well it varies from state to state and by race.

Lisa: Dad! Bart's throwing away his future!
Homer: Oh no! Now who will sell oranges on the off-ramp?

Homer: For the first time in my life I'm financially responsible for my actions!

Homer: Oh Mardi Gras, oh mardi gras! You see a lot of boobies.

Lenny: Homer I was wondering. How can you afford this party year after year?
Homer: Because I have a magical thing called a home equity loan. I borrow all the money I want and the house gets stuck with the bill. Sucker!
Lenny: I'm not sure that's how it works.
Homer: Fine Mr. Skeptical, gimme back your beads.
Lenny: But—
Homer: Beads please.

Homer: Marge, don't worry. It's like when we stopped paying the phone bill. They stopped calling us. In fact everyone did.

Homer: He's nailing something to our door!
Lisa: Hm. I wonder if it's theses.
Homer: That's gross.

Homer: Wolves are taking all our women!

Mother Superior: Look at that. One of God's discarded miracles.
Homer: Augh! Catholics!

Homer the helicopter parent: Blackhawk down! Blackhawk down!

Oscar Wilde: Homer, there are only two tragedies in life. One is not getting what one wants and the other is getting it.
Homer: But that makes no sense.
Oscar Wilde: Experience is simply the name we give to our mistakes.
Homer: Shut up!
Oscar Wilde: "These days, man knows the price of everything. And the value of nothing."
Homer: Whatever happened to Boo!"!?

Homer: I'm sorry. I got carried away. From now on the only thing I'll ever do for you is co-sign if you want a gun. But at least I made Lisa popular. he gets a text. "I Ha-Eight This"? Wha?
Lisa: I'm sorry Dad, these girls are nice on the surface but it's hard work staying this shallow. I hope you understand.
Homer: Yeah. It's clear to me now. The best thing I can do as a parent is simply check out.
Lisa: No. There's a middle ground.
Homer: Lisa, the light bulb is either on or it's off.
Lisa: Not if you use a dimmer switch.
Homer: That's what the dimmer switch companies want you to think.

Homer: We can't afford to move to Waverly Hills. Their house prices have commas in them. As it is, our lawn is just green-painted cement.

Homer: Four walls? Oh... I was thinking more of something in a two- or three.

Homer: Oh! Why do my actions have consequences!

Mr. Burns: I'm afraid your daily donuts are no more.
Homer: You can't do that.
Mr. Burns: Until Mr. Roosevelt's New Deal starts working, this country's still in a depression. And I'm spending a fortune on atoms!

Bart: Can I just ask, who the hell says "po-tah-to"?
Homer: Songwriters that are stuck.

Marge: This isn't fair. I want romance.
Homer: What about bromance?
Marge: It's not the same.
Homer: Dude!
Marge: I'm not a dude. I'm a hottie.
Homer: This bromance just got interesting.

Homer: After sex, I'm done talking to you!
Marge: Then there won't be any sex!
Homer: You can't sex fire me! I sex quit!

Madison McKenna: Mr. Simpson, I'm a prosecutor. And my husband is a federal attorney, and neither of us is happy.
Homer: Well maybe you guys should look for easier jobs.

Pickle: You have been chosen, Homer.
Homer: Chosen for what, Almighty Gherkin?
Pickle: Rise and listen, my child. Yours is a great destiny.
Homer: Pickle carrot tomato! Pickle carrot tomato!

Lisa: Dad, are you okay?
Homer: I am more than okay! I am the Messiah, come to save the world! Look upon me and shudder.
Bart: I already do that.

Homer: Tie it to my car and you've got a deal.
Wind Power Guy: Lars! Get the twine. You will not regret this.
Homer: I'm starting to regret it already.
Wind Power Guy: Too late. Lars got the twine.

Homer: Hey boy, whatcha doing?
Bart: Experimenting with my butt.
Homer: My little Einstein.

Cookie Kwan: Sorry, someone else has bought the house.
Homer: But my loan has already been sold in pieces to banks, hedge funds and municipalities across the globe.

Marge: A lot of people sound like Sideshow Bob. Like Frasier on Cheers.
Homer: Or Frasier on Frasier.
Marge: Or Lieutenant Commander Tom Dodge in Down Periscope.

Homer: Oh! Nothing is ever boobs or ice cream.

Homer: Watchin' hockey. Watchin' them pass that puck. Oh yeah.
Bar Patron: It's lacrosse, idiot.

Bar Patron: Hey man, can you settle a bet? What was the greatest XFL team that never one a championship?
Homer: Uh... the Long Island Ice Teas?
Bar Patron: I think you want the gay bar across the street.

Homer: No fair. We just went to church.
Bart: Yeah, so we've already heard stories from thousands of years ago about stuff that didn't happen.

Marge: Is that the cat in there?
Homer: It's a cat. I wouldn't say it's the cat.

Homer about the Marc Frederich's bag: After Bart, that bag's the best mistake we ever made.

Homer: Maybe I'll just come back during someone else's shift. Is Claire working today? She's a real sucker.

Homer: You'll never get me! {he runs off... and then saunters back in} I have to sign a release so you can broadcast this, right? {signing} And initial there... and... Never! [...] Can you tell me when this going to be on? I'm thinking of having a party.

Homer: Heh heh heh. Maggie, you can't climb into the TV. If you could, I'd make Alex Trebek answer some questions.

Homer: No child of mine will go without anything ever! Except quality healthcare.

Bart: Wow, Ray. You have hidden talents.
Homer: Is he good at tic-tac-toe like that chicken I played, lost to and ate at the State Fair?

Homer: Why can't you support my gibberish? I'd do it if you were stupid!

Marge: Lisa, what are you doing?
Lisa: Marking a crime scene! To celebrate an ancient pagan ritual, this tree was cut-down and tarted-up like a dime-a-dance floozy! {pulls out a Fir is murder! sign}
Marge: Next you'll have a problem with my gingerbread house.
Lisa: You mean your gingerbread McMansion!
Homer: Hey, show some respect. Three gingerbread workmen died making that.

Homer: This is horrible! I keep smelling my own breath.

Homer: Fat Tony!
Fit Tony: No, I'm his cousin from San Diego. "Fit" Tony.
Homer: Wow. I've never seen a mobster use a track suit for exercising.

Homer: What kind of a world is this?
Fit Tony: It's pretty screwed up. That's why I keep my friends close.
Homer: And your enemies closer?
Fit Tony: No. Why would I do that? If they were close they would kill me.

Homer: ...I'm just an average schnook like everyone else. Stuck in this backwater Burg where all you can count on is your family. And the only one who ever shot anyone is the baby. I have to admit. It's a pretty good life.

Homer: Wait a minute. Your standard mark-up is four hundred percent?
Moe: Gimme that! Don't you dare question the Gospel According to Dr. Swig McJigger. He's drinking his own brains.

Homer: Life was so much easier when a machine told you when to laugh.

Homer: I know what you're saying. I understand food talk in every language.

Lisa: Mom, your choice to go back to blue is so empowering.
Marge: But you said going from blue to gray was empowering.
Lisa: As a feminist, virtually anything a woman does is empowering.
Marge: Oh.
Homer: Is my job creating power empowering?
Lisa: No. It's oddly dehumanizing.

Bart: That's Angry Dad! The semi-autobiographical web cartoon I created!
Homer: I legally forced him to say "semi."

Bart: My stupid cartoon? A movie? Thank you!
Herman Milgood: Oh, don't thank me. Thank Hollywood for being out of ideas.
Homer: My little Roman Polanski.
Marge: Homer!
Homer: What? What's wrong with being Polanski?

Homer: Don't feel bad, boy. Everyone makes mistakes. Yours is just public and expensive.

Bart: Who the hell are Cheech and Chong?
Homer: Bart! Cheech and Chong were the Beavis and Butthead of their day.
Bart: Who are Beavis and Butthead?
Homer: I've failed as a parent. I swore the day my son was born he would appreciate stoner comedy. To the media room!

Marge: What are you guys doing up there?
Homer: Ack! Hide the dope!
Bart: We don't have any dope.
Homer: Then what did I just smoke?

Homer: I can't do reefer comedy. I'm drunk! Too different animals.

Homer: Do I get to meet Dave?
Cheech Marin: There is no Dave.
Homer: How about Don Johnson?
Cheech: It'd be easier to meet Dave.

Homer: Can we at least get some french fries?
Cheech: Too high in trans fats.
Homer: Stop speaking Spanish.

Knock knock
Chong: Who is it?
Cheech: It's me, Dave, man. Open up. I got the stuff.
Chong: Who?
Cheech: Dave, man.
Chong: Dave's not here.
Homer: Hold on, let me get the door. Who are you?
Cheech: It's Dave, man.
Chong: You ruined it, man. You weren't supposed to open the door.
Homer: Oh! Okay, wait. Let me start again. I'll be out here with you.

Burns: Help! Curtail my ascent! Curtail it, I say!
Homer: Hey, Burns needs our help.
Carl: Yeah, let's just shoot at him and see what happens.

Homer: I hope you kids are enjoying yourself today, because you and your children will be paying for this place long after the team moves to another city.

Homer: Come on, party pooper. Bust a move!
Bart: Nah. This song's a little bossy for me.

Marge: You destroyed our son's self-esteem.
Homer: Well it was your idea to give him self-esteem in the first place.

Homer: So. Should I bring a towel?
Fat Tony: We have towels.
Homer whispering: I take a special size.

Selma: Actually, it's kind of cute. You look like Posh Spice.
Homer: That's just what I was going for. to Lisa: I was going for Scary.

Homer: There's only one way out. I'm committing barbicide!

Bart: Dad, the cake!
Lisa: Dad, our lives!
Homer: Fine.

Homer: Hm. Is it drinking and driving if you're flying a blimp? Maybe I could find the answer by texting.

Bart: If fairytales have taught us one thing it's that first wives are perfect and second wives are horrible.
Homer: Just the opposite of real life.