Homer: Oo, look! Pantyhose. Practical and alluring.

Homer: What do you think, kids? Beauty isn't it?
Selma: Why is there a birdhouse in it?
Homer: Uh. That's an ornament.
Patty: Do I smell gun powder?

Bart: KWYJIBO. K-W-Y-J-I-B-O. Twenty-two points. Plus triple word score. Plus fifty points for using all my letters. Game's over, I'm outta here.
Homer: Wait a minute, you little cheater! You're not going anywhere until you tell me what a kwyjibo is.
Bart: Kwyjibo. Ah... a big dumb balding North American ape. With no chin.
Marge: And a short temper.
Homer: I'll show you a big dumb balding ape!
Bart: Uh oh, kwyjibo on the loose!

Marge: Bart, this is a big day for you. Why don't you eat something a little more nutritious.
Homer: Nonsense, Marge. Frosty Krusty Flakes are what got him where he is today. It could be one of these chemicals here that makes him so smart.

Homer: Come on, Bart. Your mother's only trying to help. So go ahead and enjoy the show.
Marge: Homer, you're going too.
Homer: But I'm not a genius. Why should I suffer?

Lisa: Here's a good job at the fireworks factory.
Homer: Those perfectionists? Forget it.

After lugging a huge boulder to the bridge, only to find one sitting there.
Homer: Well. Live and learn.

Mr. Burns to Homer: You're not as stupid a you look. Or sound. Or as our best testing indicates.

Homer: Okay, now look. My boss is going to be at this picnic so I want you to show your father some love and/or respect.
Lisa: Tough choice.
Bart: I'm picking respect.

Homer: I'm sorry, Marge, but sometimes I think we're the worst family in town.
Marge: Maybe we should move to a larger community.

Lisa: You're sending us to a doctor that advertises on pro-wrestling?
Homer: Boxing, honey, boxing. There's a world of difference.

Marge: Bart, I hope you're going straight to the principal about this.
Bart: I guess I could do that.
Homer: What?! And violate the code of the schoolyard? I'd rather Bart die.
Marge: What on earth are you talking about, Homer?
Homer: The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy to be a man. Let's see. "Don't tattle." "Always make fun of those different from you." "Never say anything unless you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do."

Homer: A boy without mischief is like a bowling ball without a liquid center.

Homer: Marge! What a lovely surprise. You're here to see me, right?
Marge: Of course.

Co-worker: What'll I tell the boss?
Homer: Tell him I'm going to the backseat of my car with the woman I love. And I won't be back for ten minutes!

Homer: Lord help me, I'm just not that bright.
Marge: Oh Homer, don't say that. The way I see it, if you raised three children who can knock out and hog tie a perfect stranger you must be doing something right.

Marge: Our little tiger tries so hard. Why does he keep failing?
Homer: Just a little dim I guess.

Bart: Look in my eyes. See the conviction? See the sincerity? See the fear? As God is my witness, I can pass the fourth grade!
Homer: And if you don't, at least you'll be bigger than the other kids.

Homer: Okay. I'm not going to kill you, but I'm going to tell you three things that will haunt you the rest of your days. You ruined your father. You crippled your family. And baldness is hereditary!

Marge: I'm not going to live in a house of evil just to save a few dollars.
Homer: Don't be so stubborn! We're not talking about a few dollars. We're talking about a few thousand dollars! {he floats upwards as he talks} It's got great high ceilings!

Homer: Oh. Oh, I hate Halloween.

Dancin' Homer: Well I'm ready to punch in!
Bart: Woah. Hey. Cool, man.
Lisa: Our lives have taken an odd turn.

Isotopes Owner: Why don't you talk it over with your family.
Homer: Because they might say no.

Homer: We would talk about it always. For the first time in our lives, Marge fell asleep before I did.

Homer: Bart was strangely quiet. Later he explained he was confused by feelings of respect for me. It wouldn't last.

Homer: My wife and kids stood by me. On the way home I realized just how little that helped.

Homer: Where are we going?
Mr. Burns: To create a new and better world.
Homer: If it's on the way could we drop me off at my house?

Homer: I'm here to talk to you about my little friend here: Blinky. Many of you consider him to be a hideous genetic mutation. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Lisa: I'm studying for the Math Fair. If I win I'll bring home a protractor.
Homer: Too bad we don't live on a farm.

Homer: That shot is impossible! Jack Nicholson himself couldn't make it.

Homer: Remember what Vince Lombardi said. If you lose, you're out of the family!
Marge: Homer!

Marge: Homer, this is a terrible thing that's happened but we can't blame ourselves.
Homer: We can and will.

Homer: You heard me. I won't be in for the rest of the week. [...] I told you! My baby beat me up. [...] No, it's not the worst excuse I ever thought up.

Homer: Twenty million women in the world and I had to marry Jane Fonda.

Lionel Hutz (Phil Hartman): My fee is fifty percent.
Homer: Fifty percent?
Lionel Hutz: You'll be getting more than just a lawyer, Mr. Simpson. You'll also be getting this exquisite faux pearl necklace—a ninety-nine dollar value—as our gift to you.

Homer: English? Who needs that? I'm never going to England.

Mt Sinai : 1220 B.C.

Lisa: Dad, I think that's pretty spurious.
Homer: Well thank you honey!

Homer: And thank you most of all for nuclear power, which has yet to cause a single proven fatality. At least in this country.

Homer: Quiet you kids! If I hear one more word Bart doesn't get to watch cartoons and Lisa doesn't get to go to college.

Herb: Homer, you're the richest man I know.
Homer: I feel the same about you.

Homer: As God is my witness, I'll always be hungry again!

Homer: Woo hoo! I'm a work of art. Last Supper, eat your heart out.

Homer: All right scale, you don't like me and I don't like you.

Homer: Hey! Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.

Lisa: I'm sorry I called you a baboon, Dad.
Homer: Think nothing of it.

Homer: Marge, I can't wear a pink shirt to work. Everybody wears white shirts. I'm not popular enough to be different.

Lisa: Meditations on Turning Eight by Lisa Simpson
I had a cat named Snowball. She died! She died!
Mom said she was sleeping. She lied! She lied!
Why oh why is my cat dead? Couldn't that Chrysler hit me instead?
I had a hamster named Snuffy. He died—
Homer: No deal.

Michael Jackson: Hi, I'm Michael Jackson from the Jacksons.
Homer: I'm Homer Simpson from the Simpsons.

Homer: Every time you get a million dollars something queers the deal.
Lisa: I don't think real checks have exclamation points.
Marge: Well at least we got a free sample of Reading Digest.
Homer: Marge, I've never read a magazine in my life and I'm not going to start now.

Homer: Oh Marge, cartoons don't have any deep meaning. They're just stupid drawings that give you a cheap laugh.

Homer: Bart! Get out of the Spirit of St. Louis.

Homer: Look, I don't care if Ned Flanders is the nicest guy in the world. He's a jerk!

Homer: Here's good news. According to this eye-catching article, SAT scores are declining at a slower rate.
Lisa: Dad, think this paper is a flimsy hodgepodge of high-brass factoids and Larry King.
Homer: Hey, this is the only paper in America that's not afraid to tell the truth. That everything is just fine.

Marge: How are you enjoying your ham, Homey?
Homer: It's so bitter it's like acid in my mouth.
Marge: Mm. It's actually more of a honey glaze.
Lisa: Maybe you ate a clove!

Homer's Brain: Use reverse psychology.
Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated.
Homer's Brain: Okay, don't use reverse psychology.
Homer: Okay, I will!

Homer: A Jewish entertainer? Get outta here!
Lisa: Dad. There are many prominent Jewish entertainers including Lauren Bacall, Dinah Shore, William Shatner and Mel Brooks.
Homer: Mel Brooks is Jewish?

Homer: What a dump! Why would Princess Grace live in a place like this?
Lisa: Dad, that's Monaco.
Homer: D'oh!

Lisa: I wish for world peace.
Homer: Lisa that was very selfish of you!

Homer: Oh! Me and my trenchant mouth!

Homer: Maybe I should just cut my losses, give up on Lisa and make a fresh start with Maggie.

Marge: We can't afford to buy a pony.
Homer: Marge, with today's gasoline prices we can't afford not to buy a pony.

Homer: I want to buy a pony.
Mr. Burns: Isn't that cute, Smithers! He's planning on joining the horsey set.

Marge: Then I'm afraid there's no choice but to give up the pony.
Homer: First you didn't want me to get the pony! Now you want me to take it back! Make up your mind.

Homer: Lisa, your father needs your help. Do you know anything about Germany?
Lisa: Well, its a country in Europe.
Homer: Good, good, I'm learning.
Lisa: One of the economic powers of the world.
Homer: Because we send them money?

Homer: So who do you like in the afternoon game?
Lisa: Well, I like the 49ers because they're pure of heart. Seattle because they got something to prove, and the Raiders because they always cheat.

Homer: So... do you think the Redskins will beat the spread?
Lisa: Put me down. Look, Dad. I'll tell you who's going to win the Superbowl if you want me to, but it'll just validate my theory that you cared more about winning money than you did about me.
Homer: Okay.
Lisa: I pick Washington as a mortal lock.
Homer: Washington! Woo hoo!
Lisa: However.
Homer: However? What do you mean, "however"? "However" what?
Lisa: However. I may also be so clouded with rage that subconsciously I want you to lose. In which case, I bet the farm on Buffalo.
Homer: Lisa, do me a favor. Complete this sentence: "Daddy should bet all his money on—"
Lisa: I don't know. If I still love you, Washington. If I don't, Buffalo.

Moe: What are you so happy about, Homer? You didn't win any money.
Homer: Money comes and money goes, but what I have in my daughter can go on for eight more years.

Homer: For your information I can take care of my— {Maggie falls} See? Got her on the first bounce.

Marge: I think he needs a dog house.
Homer: Yeah, but what're you going to do.
Marge: We could buy a nice dog house for fifty dollars.
Homer: Marge, you're a tool of the dog house makers.

Homer: Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. {writing} "Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpville. Population: You."
Marge: We'll all help.

Homer: Three simple words: "I am gay."
Marge: Homer, for the last time. I'm not putting that in.

Lisa: "And anytime I hear the wind blow it will whisper the name Edna."
Marge: Oo! That's very good, Lisa.
Homer: "P.S. I am gay."

Carl: Okay, Homer. Bases loaded, you're up. Where's that secret weapon?
Homer: Check it out, boys. My magic bat.
Carl: That's it?
Lenny: Yeah. I've got a magic bat too.
Carl: Yeah, and I've got an enchanted jock strap.

Bart: You make me sick, Homer. You're the one that told me I could do anything if I just put my mind to it.
Homer: Well now that you're a little bit older I can tell you that's a crock. No matter how good you are at something, there's always about a million people better than you.
Bart: Gotcha. Can't win, don't try.

Marge: Homey, you're good at lots of things.
Homer: Like what?
Marge: Like snuggling.
Homer: Yeah. But none of my friends can watch me.

Homer: Marge I have always carried myself with a certain quiet dignity. Tonight you robbed me of it.

Homer: Lurlene, I can't get your song out of my head. I haven't felt this way since Funkytown!
Lurlene Lumpkin (Beverly D'Angelo): Well aren't you sweet.

Lurlene: I want you to be my manager.
Homer: Really? Well I should warn you, I'm not great with figures.
Lurlene: That's okay.
Homer: I make a lot of stupid decisions.
Lurlene: That's okay.
Homer: I did bad in school.
Lurlene: I didn't even go.
Homer: My personal hygiene has been described as—
Lurlene: Homer. Homer, you'll be a great manager.

Homer: Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.

Marge: Homer, has the weight loss tape reduced your appetite?
Homer: Ah, lamentably no! My gastronomic rapacity knows no satiety.

Marge: I don't know if that tape is working. You ate three desserts tonight.
Homer: Forbearance is the watchword. That triumvirate of Twinkies merely overwhelmed my resolve.
Marge: Another thing I've been wanting to talk to you about...

Homer: Now there's a Machiavellian countenance. Oo! A sextet of ale.

Tester: This can't be right. This man has 104% body fat. Hey, no eating in the tank!
Homer: Go to hell.

Marge: How was your day at work, dear?
Homer: Oh, the usual. "Stand in front of this." "Open that." "Pull down this." "Bend over." "Spread apart that." "Turn your head that way." "Cough."

Herb: Every word you say just makes me want to punch you in the face!
Homer: Well while you're a guest in my home can you just kick me in the butt?
Herb: I'll try, but I can't make any promises.

Herb: Homer, would you stop thinking about your ass!
Homer: I tried to, but I can't.

Homer: Oh no! My pudding is trapped forever!

Homer: Hey, you know I'm a lot like that guy.
Marge: Really?
Homer: Yeah. Like when I pick my teeth with the mail and stuff.

Homer: Come on, TV. Gimme some of that sweet sweet pap!

Marge: Homer, are you actually giving up your faith?
Homer: No! No no no no! Well, yes.

Homer: Hey Ganeesha, want a peanut?
Apu: Please do not offer my god a peanut.

Homer: Hey there, Blimpy Boy! Flying through the sky so fancy free.

Homer: Good evening. I've been asked to tell you that the following show is very scary. It's stuff that might give your kids nightmares. You see, there are some crybabies out there—religious types, mostly—who might be offended. If you are one of them, I advise you to turn off your set now. Come on, I dare you. {clucking} Chicken! {the lights go out} Hey!
Marge: Homer, did you just call everyone "chicken"?
Homer: No. I swear on this Bible!
Marge: That's not a Bible, that's a book of carpet samples.
Homer: Mm... fuzzy.

Homer: Do you sell toys?
Shopkeeper: We sell forbidden objects from places men fear to tread. We also sell frozen yogurt. Which I call "frogurt".

Shopkeeper: Take this object. But beware—it carries a terrible curse.
Homer: Oo, that's bad!
Shopkeeper: But it comes with a free frogurt.
Homer: That's good.
Shopkeeper: The frogurt is also cursed.
Homer: That's bad.
Shopkeeper: But you get your choice of topping.
Homer: That's good.
Shopkeeper: The toppings contain potassium benzoate. {no reaction} That's bad.
Homer: Can I go now?

Homer: The doll's trying to kill me and the toaster's been laughing at me!

Bart: Dad! You killed the zombie Flanders.
Homer: He was a zombie?

Homer: It may be on a lousy channel, but the Simpsons are on TV.

Homer: So remember! {singing} "Call Mr. Plow, that's my name. That name again is Mr. Plow."

Marge: I saved this newspaper from the day Lisa was born.
Lisa: "Mondale to Hart: Where's the beef?"
Bart: "Where's the beef?" What the hell's that supposed to mean?
Homer: Heh heh heh. "Where's the beef." No wonder he won Minnesota.

Marge: Homer! That's dishwashing liquid.
Homer: Yeah, but what are you gonna go?

Krusty: I personally am going to spit in every fiftieth burger.
Homer: I like those odds.

Homer: Simpson! Homer Simpson! He's the greatest guy in history. From the, Town of Springfield! He's about to hit a chestnut tree! {hits tree}

Homer: Heh heh heh. Oh Andy Capp, you wife-beating drunk.

Marge: Homer, there's a family of possums in here!
Homer: I call the big one Bitey.

Homer: Donuts. Is there anything they can't do.

Bart: Dad, you're a hero!
Homer: Yes son. I'm the best mono-thingy guy there ever was.

Homer: Hey boy, where are you going?
Bart: Father son picnic.
Homer: Have a good time. {pause} Wait a minute.

Homer: I've heard 'em all. "I like you as a friend." "I think we should see other people." "I no speak English..."
Lisa: I get the idea.
Homer: "I'm married to the sea." "I don't want to kill you, but I will."

Homer: And if that doesn't work, six simple words: "I'm not gay. But I'll learn."

Homer: Where's my burrito! Where's my burrito!

Homer: Hey, what does this job pay?
Carl: Nothin'.
Homer: D'oh!
Carl: Unless you're crooked.
Homer: Woo hoo!

Homer: Sorry, Mr. Burns. But I don't go in for these backdoor shenanigans. Sure I'm flattered, maybe even a little curious. But the answer is no!

Homer: You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine!

Lisa: Like Halloween and Christmas, April Fools Day traces its origins to pagan ritual.
Homer: God bless those pagans.

Marge: What's this? An invitation to our high school reunion. Gee, that's odd. They didn't send one to you.
Homer's Brain: This is it, Homer. It's time to tell her the terrible secret from your past.
Homer: Marge, I ate those fancy soaps you bought for the bathroom.
Marge: Oh my god!
Homer's Brain: No, the other secret.
Homer: Marge, I never graduated from high school.
Marge: Well that still doesn't explain why you ate my soap. Wait. Maybe it does.

Dondelinger: Alright, here are your exams. Fifty questions. True or false.
Homer: True.
Dondelinger: Homer, I was just describing the test.
Homer: True.
Dondelinger: Look, Homer, just take the test and you'll do fine.
Homer: False.

Homer: Alright, brain. You don't like me and I don't like you. But let's just do this and I can get back to killing you with beer.
Homer's Brain: It's a deal.

Homer: Hey kids, how was school?
Lisa: I learned how many drams in a penny weight.
Bart: I got expelled.
Homer: That's my boy!

Homer: Marge, I'm going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex. It's also the food preparation. Your skill with stains of all kinds.

Homer: Junk ... junk... the airplane's upside down. Stradi-who-vius?

Homer: "There was nothing in Al Capone's vault. But it wasn't Geraldo's fault."

Bart: What'd you do? Screw up like the Beatles and say you were bigger than Jesus?
Homer: All the time. It was the title of our second album.

Lisa: "List your three favorite books and how they have influenced your life."
Homer: Is TV Guide a book?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Son of Sniglet?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Katharine Hepburn's Me?
Lisa: No!
Homer: Oh, I suck!

Homer: Stay calm. Remember your training. {checks the emergency procedures book} "Dear Homer, I.O.U one emergency donut. Signed Homer." Bastard! He's always one step ahead! I'd sell my soul for a donut.
Devil Flanders: That can be arranged.
Homer: Flanders! You're the Devil?
Devil Flanders: It's always the one you least suspect.

Homer: Lisa. Vampires are make-believe. Just like elves, gremlins and Eskimos.

Homer: Kill my boss?! Do I dare live out the American dream?

Homer: Marge, this may be hard to believe, but I'm trapped in two vending machines.

Rescuer: Homer, this is never easy to say. We're going to have to saw your arms off.
Homer: They'll grow back, right?
Rescuer: Oh. Yeah.
Homer: Whew!

Rescuer: Homer, are you just holding on to the can?
Homer: Your point being?

Homer: Moe, get the darts. I wanna play.
Moe: No. We're phasing out the games. People drink less when they're having fun.

Lenny: Homer, what's the matter?
Carl: Ain't you never seen a naked chick riding a clam before?
Homer: Gotta go! {he rushes out of the room} What the hell was that? I probably shouldn't have eaten that packet of powered gravy I found in the parking lot.

Homer: Moe, I need your advice.
Moe: Yeah?
Homer: See, I got this friend named... Joey Jo Jo... Junior... Shabadoo.
Moe: That's the worst name I ever heard.
Joey runs out of the bar sobbing
Barney: Hey! Joey Jo Jo!

Mindy Simmons (Michelle Pfeiffer): I can see I'm gonna love working with you. Well, gotta go. I want to sneak in a quick nap before lunch.
Homer: Foul temptress! I bet she thinks Ziggy's gotten too preachy too.

Homer: Colonel Klink! Did you ever get my letters?
Colonel Klink (Werner Klemperer): I'm not actually Colonel Klink. I'm just assuming his form.
Homer: Hee hee hee. Did you know Hogan had tunnels all over your camp?
Colonel Klink: Homerrrrr!

Homer: "You will find happiness with a new love." Oh! Even the Chinese are against me. What's the point. I can't fight fate.
Meanwhile in the kitchen
Waiter: Hey, we're out of these new love cookies.
Waiter: Well open up the stick with your wife barrel.

Mindy: What's wrong?
Homer: Oh yeah, like you don't know. We're gonna have sex.
Mindy: Oh. Well, we don't have to.
Homer: Yes we do. The cookie told me so!
Mindy: Well. Desserts aren't always right.
Homer: But they're so sweet.

Homer: The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side!
Man: That's a right triangle, you idiot!
Homer: D'oh!

Lisa: Dad, you shouldn't wear glasses that weren't prescribed for you!
Homer: Lisa, just because you're ten feet tall doesn't mean you can tell me what to do.
Bart: I'm Bart.

Homer: Remember when I let that escaped lunatic in the house because he was dressed like Santa Claus? Well you have a gambling problem!
Marge: Homer, when you forgive someone you can't throw it back at them like that.
Homer: Aw, what a gyp.

Homer: You'll have to speak up. I'm wearing a towel.

Lisa: This biography of Bart came awfully quickly. It's not even about him!
Bart: Sure it is. Look at the cover.
Lisa: But inside it's mostly about Ross Perot, and the last two chapters are excerpts from the Oliver North trial.
Homer: Ah, Oliver North. He was just poured into that uniform.
Marge: Hm...

Marge: Ooh, Lisa! Is that too spicy for you?
Lisa: I can see through time!
Homer: Stop being such a baby. You can't be afraid to try new things. For instance, tonight I'm using a... Apu, what do you call this thing again?
Apu: A napkin.
Homer: Outrageous!

Homer: Apu, if it makes you feel any better, I've learned that life is just one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.

Marge: Lisa, ordinarily I'd say you should stand up for what you believe, but you've been doing that an awful lot lately.
Bart: Yeah. You made us march in that gay rights parade.
Homer: And we can't watch FOX because they own those chemical weapon plants in Syria.

Lisa: It's awful being a kid. No one listens to you.
Grampa: It's rotten being old. No one listens to you.
Homer: I'm a white male. Age eighteen to forty-nine. Everyone listens to me! No matter how dumb my suggestions are.

Marge: You know Homer, when I found out about this I went through a wide range of emotions. First I was nervous, then anxious, then wary, then apprehensive, then kinda sleepy, then worried, and then concerned. But now I realize that being a spaceman is something you have to do.
Homer: Who's doing what now?

Homer: Homer, it looks like it could gore.
Marge: Heh heh. It does look like Al Gore.

Marge: I really think this is a bad idea.
Homer: Marge, I agree with you. In theory. In theory, communism works. In theory.

Homer: Now I've had my head in an elephant, a hippo and a giant sloth.

Homer: D'oh!
Lisa: A deer!
Marge: A female deer.

Lisa: Dad! You're sinking!
Marge: Get a rope, Bart.
Homer: Nah, that's okay. I'm pretty sure I can struggle my way out. First I'll just reach in and pull my legs out. {his arms and legs are now stuck} Now I'll pull my arms out with my face.

Homer: You're our last hope, boy.
Bart: I really don't want to be here, Dad! Besides, I started a fire this morning that I really should keep an eye on.

Marge: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Homer: Yeah. Let's push him down the steps.

Mr. Burns: I suggest you get off my lawn.
Homer: Or what? You'll release the dogs. Or the bees. Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark they shoot bees at you? Well go ahead! Do your worst.

Marge: Homer, you didn't do a very good job frosting Maggie's birthday cake!
Homer: What? It's not Maggaggie's birthday?

Marge: If you feel so bad about yourself there's always things you can do to feel better.
Homer: Take another bath in malt liquor?
Marge: There's that.

Homer: Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain! Remember when I took that home wine-making course and forgot how to drive?
Marge: That's because you were drunk!
Homer: And how.

Homer: Look everyone! Now that I'm a teacher I've sewn patches on my elbows.
Marge: Homer that's supposed to be leather patches on a tweed jacket, not the other way around. You've ruined a perfectly good jacket.
Homer: Incorrect, Marge. Two perfectly good jackets!

Mrs. Krabappel: Marge dyes her hair?
Homer: Oh yeah. She's been as gray as a mule since she was seventeen.

Marge: Homer, I really don't like you telling personal secrets in your class.
Homer: Marge, I didn't tell them personal stuff.
Marge: Today at the Kwik-E-Mart everybody knew I dyed my hair.
Homer: Oh. You mean about you.

Lisa: Dad, as you know, we've been swimming. And we've developed a taste for it. We both agree that getting our own pool is the only way to go. Now before you respond, you must understand that your refusal would result in months and months of, "Can we have a pool, Dad? Can we have a pool, Dad? Can we have a pool, Dad? Can we have a pool, Dad?"
Homer: I understand. Let us celebrate our new arrangement by the adding of chocolate to milk.

Homer: I'm taking a shortcut.
Marge: Homer, no. You're gonna get lost.
Homer: Trust me, Marge! With today's modern cars you can't get lost. What with all the silicon chips and such. {after the shortcut} Alright, we're here. Let us never speak of the shortcut again.

Homer: But Marge, I was a political prisoner!
Marge: How were you a political prisoner?
Homer: I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do I have to draw you a diagram?!

Homer: So what do you think, Marge? All I need is a title. I was thinking along the lines of "No TV and no beer make Homer... something something."
Marge: Go crazy?
Homer: Don't mind if I do!

Homer: Television! Teacher. Mother. Secret lover.

Marge: I guess we could get more involved in Bart's activities but then I'd be afraid of smothering him.
Homer: Yeah. And then we'd get the chair.
Marge: That's not what I meant.
Homer: It was, Marge. Admit it.

Marge: Homer, are all these pockets necessary?
Homer: They wouldn't be if you were willing to sit in the hollowed out wheelchair.

Homer: I feel like a kid in some kind of a store.

Homer: Marge. Kids. Everything's going to be just fine. Now go upstairs and pack your bags. We're going to start a new life... under the sea.

News Presenter: Simpson Scandal update: Homer sleeps nude in an oxygen tent which he believes gives him sexual powers.
Homer: Hey! That's a half-truth.

Lisa: Sorry, Dad. We do believe in you, we really do.
Bart: It's just hard not to listen to TV. It's spent so much more time raising us than you have.
Homer: Maybe TV is right. TV's always right.

Homer: Come on, guys. This bar is like a tavern to me.

Homer: Why don't those stupid idiots let me in their stupid club for jerks?

Marge: You know, you are a member of a very exclusive club.
Homer: Black Panthers?
Marge: No!

Al: Show up tomorrow, bring three rags. Oh and, ah, change your pants.
Homer: Why?
Al: When it happens, you'll know.

Bart: What's really amazing is that this is exactly what Dad said would happen.
Lisa: Yeah, Dad was right.
Homer: I know, kids. I'm scared too.

Homer: Clown college. You can't eat that.

Homer: Who am I clowning? I have no business being a clown. I'm leaving the clowning business to all the other clowns in the clowning business.

Marge: I'm not saying it won't work, I'm just saying it's dishonest.
Homer: Well if we agree then why are we arguing?!

Homer: Burkina Faso? Disputed Zone? Who called all these weird places?
Homer's Brain: Quiet. It might be you! I can't remember.
Homer: No, I'm going to ask Marge.
Homer's Brain: No, no! Why embarrass us both? Just write a check and I'll release some more endorphins.

Bart: Hey guys, just so you don't hear any wild rumors, I'm being indicted for fraud in Australia.
Homer: Phpt. That's no reason to block the TV.

Homer: Oh boy, this is the life. Boy, next summer can you commit some sort of fraud in Orlando, Florida?
Bart: I'm way ahead of you, Dad.

Homer: My ears are burning.
Lisa: I wasn't talking about you, Dad.
Homer: No, my ears are really burning. I wanted to see inside, so I lit a Q-tip.

Supervisor: Wait a minute. Those are yours sir?
Homer: Yes. I am in flavor country.
Supervisor: Both of them?
Homer: It's a big country.
Supervisor: Ladies, I apologize. And you, sir, are worse than Hitler.

Homer: Little Lisa. Lisa Simpson. You know I always felt you were the best thing my name got attached to.

Lisa: Oh my god! I'm losing my perspicacity.
Homer: Well it's always in the last place you look.

Marge: I'm worried about the kids, Homie. Lisa's becoming very obsessive. This morning I caught her trying to dissect her own rain coat.
Homer: I know. And this perpetual motion machine she made today is a joke. It just keeps going faster and faster.

Homer: In this house we obey the laws of thermodynamics!

Chief Wiggum: Homer Simpson, you're under arrest for attempted murder.
Homer: D'oh!
Chief Wiggum: Yeah, that's what they all say. They all say, "d'oh."

Marge: Can you see them?
Homer: I can see Lisa, but it might be a starfish.

Homer: Okay, I'm never going to win Father of the Year. In fact, I'm probably the last guy in the world who should have kids... wait, can I start again? Fathering children is the best part of my day. I'd do anything for Bart and Lisa.
Judge: And Margaret?
Homer: Who? Lady, you got the wrong file.
Marge: It's Maggie.
Homer: Oh! Maggie. I've got nothing against Maggie.

Homer: I've got the prescription for you, Doctor. Another hot beef injection?

Homer: Ah, the Neon Mile. Where value wears a neon sombrero and there's not a single church or library to offend the eye. {sees the Lard Lad} There it is! The chain that put the fat in fat Southern sheriffs.

Homer: He came to life. Good for him.

Homer: Don't you ever get tired of being wrong all the time?
Marge: Sometimes.

Kent Brockman: Even as I speak, the scourge of advertising could be heading toward your town. Lock our doors, bar your windows. Because the next advertisement you see could destroy your house and eat your family!
Homer: We'll be right back.

Homer: "Do not touch Willie". Good advice.

Homer: Well it's my house so it's my spot.
Bart: Nuh unh, 'cause we called it.
Homer: Did not.
Lisa: Well we're calling it now.
Homer: You are?
Bart: 'Fraid so.
Homer: Oh! They got me with their legal mumbo jumbo.

Homer: That's weird. It's like something out of that twilight-y show about that zone.

Marge: Homer, where are you?
Homer: Uh, I'm somewhere where I don't know where I am.
Marge: Do you see towels? If you see towels you're probably in the linen closet again.

Homer: Mmmm... unprocessed fish sticks.

Homer: Man, this place looks expensive. I feel like I'm wasting a fortune just standing here.

Marge: Bart, what happened?
Bart: Well we hit a little snag when the universe sort of collapsed on itself. But Dad seemed cautiously optimistic.
Homer: Crap!!!!!!!!!!!!

Homer: Oh my god. This is the worst place yet. {walking along} Oo! Erotic cakes.

Dr. Hibbert: My god, that's monstrous! I've never heard of anything so negligent. I'll have no part of it.
Homer: Can you recommend a doctor that will?
Dr. Hibbert: Yes.

Dr. Nick: You'll want to focus on the neglected food groups. Such as the whipped group, the congealed group and the chocotastic!
Homer: What can I do to speed the whole thing up, Doctor?
Dr. Nick: Be creative. Instead of making sandwiches with bread, use pop tarts. Instead of chewing gum, chew bacon.

Homer: Hee hee hee. I pity those poor suckers on the freeway. Gas break honk. Gas break honk. Honk honk punch. Gas gas gas.

Homer: All this computer hacking is making me thirsty.

Homer: Shame on all of you! Give me my dignity. I just came here to see Honk If You're Horny in peace.
Theater Manager: Sir. Just quiet down. I'd be happy to treat you to a garbage bag full of popcorn.

Homer: Oh! Why does my death keeping coming back to haunt me!

Homer: How could you?! Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain What's-his-name? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun!? Well, I didn't hear anybody laughing! Did you!? Except at that guy who made sound effects. {Makes sound effects and laughs}. Where was I? Oh yeah. Stay out of my booze!

Marge: No, I will not pay you five hundred dollars for sex.
Homer: Oh come on, Marge! You're getting something in return and I'm getting a bowling team. It's win-win.
Marge: It's sick! And iI don't have that kind of money to spend on sex.

Bart: Mom! My slingshot doesn't fit in these pockets. And these shorts leave nothing to the imagination. These uniforms suck.
Marge: Bart! Where do you pick up words like that?
Homer on the phone: Yeah, Moe. That team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked. I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked.
Marge: Homer! Watch your mouth.
Homer to Moe: I gotta go. My damn wiener kids are listening.
Lisa: We are not wieners!
Homer: Then what are you dressed like that for?

Homer: I guess some people never change. Or, they quickly change and then quickly change back.

Marge: Can we get rid of this Ayatollah t-shirt? Khomeni died years ago.
Homer: But Marge, it works on any Ayatollah! Ayatollah Nakhbadeh, Ayatollah Zahedi... Even as we speak, Ayatollah Razmara and his cadre of fanatics are consolidating their power!

Homer: Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night.

Homer: You suck-diddly-uck, Flanders!

Homer: You're always right about this sort of thing. and for once I want in on the ground floor.

Lisa: Miss Hoover didn't believe me. She called me a PC thug!
Homer: Well I've been called a greasy thug too. And it never stops hurting.

Homer: I think Mr. Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work harder when I'm around.

Homer: Here are your messages: "You have thirty minutes to move your car." "You have ten minutes." "Your car has been impounded." "Your car has been crushed into a cube." "You have thirty minutes to move your cube."

Lisa: Dad, what's a muppet?
Homer: Well, it's not quite a mop, and it's not quite a puppet, but man... {laughs, then pauses}. So, to answer you question, I don't know.
Bart: Why did they make that one muppet out of leather?
Marge: That's not a puppet, that's Troy McClure.

Homer: I'm sorry. I guess watching me isn't any more exciting than being me.

Homer: You made it! Did you have any trouble getting past the security guard?
Lisa: Security guard?

Homer: Sleeping bags on the floor, a roaring fire. It'll be just like the time they kicked me out of the sporting goods store.

Homer: Hello. I'd like to speak to a Mr. Snotball. First name Ura.
Moe: Ura Snotball?
Homer: What? How dare you! If I find out who this is I'll staple a flag to your butt and mail you to Iran!

Homer: Hello, Oakridge. This is Springfield Nuclear. We need to order a... T-437 Safety Command Console.
Oakridge: Springfield, my computer shows your T-437 is fully operational. I suggest you— {Homer casually pours a soda on it}. Oh my god! Oh god no! Oh this can't be happening! You're operating without a T-437, Springfield! Oh sweet mother of mercy! I mean, my god!

Homer: I'm sick of these constant bear attacks. It's like a freakin' Country Bear Jamboroo around here.

Corgan: Billy Corgan, Smashing Pumpkins.
Homer: Homer Simpson, smiling politely.

Homer: So I realized that being with my family is more important than being cool.
Bart: Dad, what you just said was powerfully uncool.
Homer: You know what the song says: "It's hip to be square."
Lisa: That song is so lame.
Homer: So lame that it's... cool?
Bart and Lisa: No.
Marge: Am I cool, kids?
Bart and Lisa: No.
Marge: Good. I'm glad. And that's what makes me cool—not caring, right?
Bart and Lisa: No.
Marge: Well, how the hell do you be cool? I feel like we've tried everything here.
Homer: Wait, Marge. Maybe if you're truly cool, you don't need to be told you're cool.
Bart: Well, sure you do.
Lisa: How else would you know?

Homer: Somebody's travelling light.
Lisa: Eh. Maybe you're getting stronger.
Homer: Well. I have been eating more.

Homer trying to casually buy illegal fireworks: Let me have one of those porno magazines... large box of condoms, bottle of Old Harper... a couple of those panty shields, and some illegal fireworks, and one of those disposable enemas... Nah, make it two.
Later...
Marge seeing Homer's purchases: Gee. I don't know what you've got planned for tonight, Homer, but count me out. Didn't you buy any meat?
Homer: Heh heh. This baby's sure to kill something.

Homer: Oh my god, space aliens. Don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Kodos: Take us to your leader!
Homer: Well I guess you mean President Clinton. He usually hangs around Washington D.C.
Kodos: President Clin-ton?
Homer: Except. Um. There's this election next week so after that it might not be him anymore. It might be whats-his-name. Mumbly Joe. I saw him on TV the other... Bob Dole!

Hank Scorpio: You will notice, my new best friend, that we are pretty casual around here.
Homer: Yes sir. I will notice that. Very casual, Mr Scorpion.
Hank Scorpio: Don't call me Mr. Scorpion. It's Mr. Scorpio, but don't call me that either. Call me Hank!

Hank Scorpio: By the way, Homer, what's your least favorite country? Italy or France?
Homer: France.
Hank adjusts a giant laser
Hank Scorpio: Heh heh. Nobody ever says Italy.

Marge: You know how I feel about hoaxes.
Homer: Still?!

TV: It's eleven o'clock. Do you now where your children are?
Homer: I told you last night, No! Where is Bart anyway? His dinner's getting all cold and eaten.

Marge: I'm going into the dining room to have a conversation. Anyone who wants to join me is welcome. {leaves room) Hello Marge, how's the family? I don't want to talk about it. Mind your own business!
Homer: Keep it down in there everybody!

Homer: I'd like to file for... {dramatic pause} Divorce.
Lady: These things happen. Eight dollars.

Homer: This is Homer Simpson, aka Happy Dude. The court is making me call everybody back and apologize for my telemarketing scam. I'm sorry. If you can find it in your heart to forgive me, send one dollar to Sorry Dude, 742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield. You have the power.

Lisa: Dad, wake up. I think a hurricane is coming!
Homer: Oh Lisa, there's no record of a hurricane ever hitting Springfield.
Lisa: Yes, but the records only go back to 1978 when the hall of records was mysteriously blown away.

Homer: What is it, boy? Fire? Earthquake? Hippies?

Ned: Looks like a loose nail.
Homer: Hey, one out of twenty-five ain't bad.

Homer: Note to self: Stop. Doing. Anything.

Homer: I hope I didn't brain my damage.

Homer: In your face, space coyote!

Mulder: Mr. Simpson, we want you to recreate your every move the night you saw the alien.
Homer: The evening began at the gentleman's club, where we were discussing Wittgenstein over a game of backgammon.
Scully: Mr. Simpson, it's a felony to lie to the FBI.
Homer: We were sitting in Barney's car eating packets of mustard. Happy?

Scully: Homer, we're going to ask you a few simple yes or no questions. Do you understand?
Homer: Yes. lie detector blows up.

Fat Tony: Greetings, Homer.
Homer: Hey! Fat Tony! You still with the Mafia?

Homer: You mean the mob only did me a favor to get something in return? Oh, Fat Tony. I will say Good day to you sir!

Homer: Cram it with walnuts, ugly!

Homer: Is this episode going on the air live?
June Velany: No Homer, very few cartoons are broadcast live. It's a terrible strain on the animator's wrist.

Homer: Fifty bucks for a toy? No kid is worth that.
John: Ah, but this is the Rex Mars' Atomic Discombobulator. Don't you just love the graphics on this box?
Homer: No. how can you love a box or a toy or graphics? You're a grown man!
John (John Waters): It's camp! The tragically ludicrous? The ludicrously tragic?
Homer: Oh yeah. Like when a clown dies.

Homer: That John is the greatest guy in the world. We've gotta have him and his wife over for drinks sometime.
Marge: Mmm, I don't think he's married, Homer.
Homer: Oh, a swinging bachelor, eh? Well, there's lots of foxy ladies out there.
Marge: Homer, didn't John seem a little... festive to you?
Homer: Couldn't agree more. Happy as a clam!
Marge: He prefers the company of men!
Homer: Who doesn't!
Marge: Homer, listen carefully. John is a ho... mo...
Homer: Right.
Marge: ...sexual.
Homer: Augh!

Homer: He didn't give you gay did he? Did he?
Marge: Oh geez Louise. You don't even know what you're worried about anymore.

Homer: They turned the Navy into a floating joke. They ruined all our best names like Bruce and Lance and Julian. Those were the toughest names we had! Now they're just...
John: Queer?
Homer: Yeah, and that's another thing! I resent you people using that word. That's our word for making fun of you! We need it!

Bart: Dad, why'd you bring me to a gay steel mill?
Homer: I don't know! This is a nightmare! You're all sick!
Worker: Oh be nice!

Homer: It's a miracle!
John: No, ultrasuede is a miracle. This is just good timing.

Marge: You feel softer than before.
Homer: I've been tenderized.

Homer: I don't want you calling him a sissy. This guy's a fruit, and a— . No, wait. Queer. Queer! Queer. That's what you liked to be called, right?
John: Well that, or John.
Lisa: This is about as tolerant as Dad gets, so you should be flattered.

Homer: Prohibition. Phpht! They tried that in the movies and it didn't work.

Homer: Glad you're finally back in business, Moe.
Moe: Yeah. That was a scary couple of hours.

Homer: To alcohol! The cause of—and solution to—all of life's problems.

Homer: I'd love to go with you, honey, but I've got a lot of work to do around the bed.

Homer: Akira, can you read this for me?
Akira: Ah, yes. This is a product called Mr. Sparkle. Very popular dish detergent. Hey, he looks like you!
Lisa: What's he saying?
Akira: He identifies himself as a magnet for foodstuffs. He boasts that he will banish dirt to the land of wind and ghosts.
Lisa: Wow!
Akira: Yes, you have very lucky dishes, Mr. Simpson.

Mr. Sparkle Plant Worker: Mushi mushi!
Homer: Yes. This is Homer Simpson from America. Who may I say is speaking to me?
Worker: Hello chief, let's talk. Why not?
Homer: Um, hello? Why am I Mr. Sparkle?
Worker: You like Mr. Sparkle?
Homer: Well, I am Mr. Sparkle.
Worker: You have many questions, Mr. Sparkle. I send you premium. Answer question 100%!
Homer: Oooh!

Lisa: Hey, it was all a coincidence.
Bart: Yep. There's your answer, Fish Bulb.
Homer: Well it was a good ride while it lasted. Come on kids, let's go home.
Bart: We are home.
Homer: That was fast.

Lisa: Dad, you don't understand. This saxophone is like my oldest friend. I've had it for as long as I can remember.
Homer: I don't remember.
Lisa: You don't remember how you got it?
Homer: Nuh unh.
Lisa: Oh, well. It all happened in 1990. Back then, the Artist Formerly Known As Prince was currently known as Prince. Tracey Ullman was entertaining America with songs, sketches and crudely drawn filler material. And Bart was eagerly awaiting his first day of school...

Marge: Marge, name one successful person who ever lived without air conditioning.
Homer: Balzac.
Marge: No need for potty mouth just because you can't think of one.

Homer: Marge! Kids! You're alive!
Lisa: All the layers of lead paint in this house made it the perfect bomb shelter.

Lisa: There's one thing I don't understand. When Bart went through the transporter, what happened to his head?
Homer: Eh. It'll turn up somewhere.

Lisa: If they're really witches why don't they use their witch power to escape?
Homer: That sounds like witch-talk to me, Lisa.
Lisa: Never mind.

Marge: Homer, we've got to get out of here.
Homer: Oh! But I want to do some rioting.

Ex-con Salesman: But surely you can't put a price on your family's lives?
Homer: I wouldn't have thought so either, but here we are.

Homer: I'd like to buy your deadliest gun please.
Aisle six. Next to the sympathy cards.

The law requires a five-day waiting period. We've got to run a background check.
Homer: Five days! But I'm mad now! I'd kill you if I had my gun.
Yeah well, you don't.

Marge: Homer! I don't want guns in my house! Don't you remember when Maggie shot Mr. Burns?
Homer: I thought Smithers did it.
Lisa: That would have made more sense.

Homer: But I have to have a gun! It's in the Constitution.
Lisa: Dad! The second amendment is just a remnant from Revolutionary Day. It has no meaning today.
Homer: You couldn't be more wrong, Lisa. If I didn't have this gun, the King of England could just walk in here any time he wants and start shoving you around. You want that? Huh! Do you?!
Lisa: No.

Dr. Hibbert: Well, your cholesterol level is lethally high, Homer, but I'm more concerned about your gravy levels.
Homer: Now wait a second. You doctors have been telling us to drink eight glasses of gravy a day.
Dr. Hibbert: You're a little confused.
Homer: Oh ho. Confused, would we?

Marge: You know, Homer, it's very easy to criticize.
Homer: Fun too.

Marge: You shouldn't pressure Bart like that.
Homer: Well if you know a better way for me to live through my son I'd like to hear it.

Homer: Son, you can do anything you want. I have total faith in you.
Bart: Since when?
Homer: Since your mother yelled at me.

Homer: I'm feeling kinda low, Apu. Got any of that beer that has candy floating in it. You know, Skittlebrau.
Apu: Such a product does not exist, sir. I think you may have dreamed it.
Homer: Oh. Then just gimme a six pack and a bag of Skittles.

Apu: Is it me or do your plans involve some horrible web of lies?
Homer: It's you.

Marge: I don't know. There's something very peculiar about this.
Homer: Geesh! You're the most paranoid family I've ever been affiliated with.

Homer: Here comes Lee Marvin. Thank god! He's always drunk and violent.

Homer: Singing is the lowest form of communication.

Marge: Homer, you sing all the time.
Homer: No I don't. I hate to rhyme!

Homer: The experts say that if you want an animal to do something you should do it yourself first to show them how.
Marge: I'm not going to the bathroom in the backyard.
Homer: Phpt. Sorry, Your Majesty.

Homer: You better not be in my ass groove!
Marge: Homer!
Homer: It took me years to forge that groove.

Homer: Homer no function beer well without.

The Leader knows how miserable you, Marge, Lisa, Bart and Maggie are.
Homer: Really? I'm surprised about Maggie.

Homer: Marge, when I join an underground cult I expect a little support from my family!
Lisa: Dad, do you think you might have been brainwashed?
Homer: I have not been brainwashed. Kill the girl... kill the girl...

Marge: Is that my good butter?
Homer: Can't discuss that now, Marge. I have to write another delicious memo. Mmm... memo...

Homer: Wow, they have the internet on computers now.

Bart: Why do I need church shoes for? Jesus wore sandals.
Homer: Well maybe if he had better arch support they wouldn't have caught him.

Bart: Wait a minute. So this means I'm going to be a failure?
Homer: Yes son. A spectacular failure.

Homer: correcting a superior officer Nu-cu-lar. It's pronounced nu-cu-lar.

Homer: Will you look at those morons. I paid my taxes over a year ago.

IRS Agent: Mr. Simpson, this government computer can process over nine tax returns per day. Did you really think you could fool it?
Homer: No, sir. I'm really sorry, sir. An older boy told me to do it.

Homer: Does this make me look fat?
Lisa: No, it makes you look like a tool of government oppression.
Homer: But not fat?

Mr. Burns: Hm. A pack of vicious dogs should be ripping you to pieces.
Homer: I don't know what to tell you.
Mr. Burns: Very well. Come on in. Perhaps I have something I can scald you with.

Praying heavenward
Homer: I'm not normally a praying man. But if you're up there, please, save me, Superman!

Homer: Stupid risks are what make life worth living! Now your mother, she's the steady type. And that's fine in small doses. But me, I'm a risk-taker. That's why I have so many adventures.

Homer: Lisa, can you open the window? The cops have daddy's prints on file.

Homer: Marge, can we trade? I don't trust these guys.

Homer: Marge, if you don't mind I'm a little busy now achieving financial independence.
Marge: Through cans of grease?
Homer: No. Through savings and wise investment. Of course with grease!

Lisa: He also invented the photograph, the microphone and the electric guitar.
Homer: No one man can do all that. You're a liar, honey. A dirty rotten liar.

Homer: Close your eyes, Marge. {he fires the makeup gun} Now you're ready for a night on the town.
Marge: Homer, you've got it set on whore.

Homer: Oh! I hate folding sheets.
Marge: That's your underwear.
Homer: Well whatever it is, it's a two-man job.

Marge: What do you think he's doing up there?
Homer: I dunno, drug lab?
Marge: Drug lab!
Homer: Or reading comic books. What am I, Kreskin?

Homer: Look! Marge! Maggie lost her baby legs.

Marge: Homer, Kang is Maggie's father.
Homer: You intergalactic hussy! How could you?

Man: Uh, sir, you can't operate a boat under the influence of alcohol.
Homer: That sounds like a wager to me!

Ron Howard sniffing Homer's breath: Do I smell vodka... and wheatgrass?
Homer: It's called a lawnmower, I invented it. You want one?
Ron Howard: Yeah, okay.
Kim Basinger: And I'll have a rum and zinc.

Homer: Homer Simpson does not lie twice on the same form! He never has and he never will.
Marge: You lied dozens of times on our mortgage application.
Homer: Yeah, but they were all part of a single ball of lies.

Maude Flanders: My eyes have been soiled!
Homer: Come on, Maude. The human wang is a beautiful thing.

Homer: I guess the juice business is more important than the ideals our hippie forefathers refused to go to war and die for.

Ned: How do you do it, Homer? How do you silence that little voice that says, "Think"?
Homer: You mean Lisa?

Ned: This is all your fault! You and your stupid program.
Homer: Blame me if you must, but don't ever speak ill of the program! The program is rock solid. The program is sound.

Lisa: But it's not fair. Adults always blame kids for everything.
Homer: Well if kids are so innocent why is every bad named after them? "Acting childish." "Kidnapping." "Child abuse."
Bart: What about adultery?
Homer: Not until you're older, son.

Homer: I'll start out with a few pizzas, then a complimentary Tango lesson. And I'll cap it off with a smooth, refreshing colonic.
Lisa: Um, Dad.

Wally Kogen (Fred Willard): Wally Kogen.
Homer: Hey, I know you! We were in the same pyramid scheme.
Wally Kogen: Yeah. Don't remind me. Friends Helping Friends, my ass.

Announcer: The start of television's second most exciting season—mid-season!—is just two hundred exciting seconds away.
Homer: Car?
Marge: Locked.
Homer: Phone?
Lisa: Unplugged.
Homer: Dog? Cat?
Bart: Taped and corked.
Homer: Perfect.

Marge: You changed your name without consulting me?
Homer: That's the way Max Power is, Marge. Decisive. Uncompromising. And rude.

Marge: But I fell in love with Homer Simpson. I don't want to snuggle with Max Power.
Homer: Nobody snuggles with Max Power. You strap yourself in and feel the G's.

Trent Steele: Great name.
Homer: Yeah, isn't it? I got if off a hairdryer.

Homer: Uh oh. Here comes Lorne Michaels. Pretend you don't see him.

Homer: I used to take out ads like that when we were newlyweds.
Marge: The only ad you took out was to sell our lawnmower.
Homer: We sold it, didn't we?

Homer: Everybody's marriage is falling apart except ours. See, the problem's communication. Too much communication.
Marge: Homer, I've gone through seven years of receipts. And you've spent less on gifts for me than you have on temporary tattoos.

Homer: Don't worry kids, I know just what to do. Jumanji! Doesn't anything from the movies work?!

Homer: Oh! When will Detroit build a sunroof for the husky gentleman!

Homer: I'd like to read the following statement, but I do so under {a gun cocks} my own free will. It has come to my attention that NBC sucks. I apologize for misleading you and urge you to watch as many FOX shows as possible. So in summary, NBC bad. FOX good. CBS great.

Homer: Oh no, I'm not falling for that again. If it doesn't have Siamese twins in a jar it's not a fair.

Homer: Oo! Here's something you'll like: When Animals Attack Magicians.

Homer: What's happening to me? There's still food, but I don't want to eat it. I've become everything I've ever hated.

Astrid Weller (Isabella Rossellini): Your husband's work is what we call "outsider art". It could be by a mental patient, or a hillbilly, or a chimpanzee.
Homer: In high school I was voted most likely to *be* a mental patient, hillbilly, or chimpanzee!

Homer: Matt Groening! What's he doing in a museum? He can barely draw. {A giant eraser comes in} Oh no! I'm being erased!

Bart: Are you sure this is art, not vandalism?
Homer: That's for the courts to decide, son.

Homer: Can we go home yet? My feet hurt. All this fresh air is making my hair move. And I don't know how much longer I can complain.

Mr. Burns: Simpson. I need your help. I want to be loved.
Homer: I see. Well, I'll need some beer.

Mr. Burns: I'm going to bring them something that man has searched for since the beginning of time.
Homer: A sober Irishman?
Mr. Burns: Even rarer.

Mr. Burns: Where's my monster, tubby? What do you think I'm paying you people for?
Homer: Um, to work in your power plant?
Willie: You're not paying me anything!
Professor Frink: You kidnapped me.

Homer: The internet? Is that thing still around.

Lisa: Wow Dad, you're surfing like a pro.
Homer: Oh, yeah! I'm betting on jai alai in the Cayman Islands, I invested in something called "News Corp"—
Lisa: Dad, that's FOX!
Homer: Undo! Undo!

Marge: Come on, Homer, Japan will be fun. You like Rashomon.
Homer: That's not how I remember it. Besides, if we want to see Japanese people we could have gone to the zoo!
Marge: Homer!
Homer: What? The guy who washes the elephants is Japanese. His name is Takashi. He's in my book club!

Homer: Hey, you know I once knew a man from Nantucket.
Bart: And?
Homer: Let's just say the stories about him are greatly exaggerated.

Wink: Don't worry. That "lava" is just Orange Ade, made by our sponsor Osaka Orange Ade Concern.
Homer: It burns! It burns!
Wink: It's loaded with wasabi!

Mel Gibson: I'm getting too old for this crap.
Homer: How old are you anyway?
Mel Gibson: Well I've been told I can play anywhere from 28 to—
Homer: Sorry I asked!

Principal Skinner: I'm afraid I'll have to expel your son. Unless you're willing to try a radical, untested, potentially dangerous—
Homer: Candybar?
Principal Skinner: No! It's a new drug called Focusin.

Marge: Good Lord! He's gotten into the pep closet.
Homer: I'd say he's coming out of the pep closet.

Lisa: I'm so glad you're here. Bart's really acting funny.
Homer: Ray J or O.J. funny?

Homer: Hey! I had Lenny's name on that.
Bart: They have it now.
Lisa: Who are "they" exactly?
Bart: Who else? Major League Baseball.

Editor: This is a joke, right? I mean this is the stupidest thing I've ever read!
Homer: What's wrong with it?
Editor: You keep using words like "pasghetti" and "momatoes," you make numerous threatening references to the UN, and at the end you repeat the words "Screw Flanders" over and over again.

Homer: Okay Marge, you hide in the abandoned amusement park. Lisa, the pet cemetery. Bart, spooky roller disco. And I'll go skinny dipping in that lake where the sexy teens were killed one hundred years ago tonight.

Lenny: Hey Homer, weren't you the plant's Y2K compliance officer?
Homer: Absolutely.
Carl: Must have been hard debugging all those computers, huh, Homer?
Homer: Doin' what now?
Lisa: You did fix them, right Dad? Because even a single faulty unit could corrupt every other computer in the world.
Homer: That can't be true, honey. If it were I'd be terrified.

Homer: Well those Ivory Tower eggheads have screwed us again.

Lisa: Look at the "wonders" of the computer age now.
Homer: Wonders Lisa? Or blunders?
Lisa: I think that was implied by what I said.
Homer: Implied... Or implode?

Movie Clerk: I'm sorry, but we're not supposed to put butter on the milk duds.
Homer: You're not supposed to go to the bathroom without washing your hands either.
Movie Clerk: Touché.

Homer: I had the worst nightmare. This glove kept slapping people and I was getting blamed.

Country Folk: Well well. Look at the city slicker pulling up in his fancy German car.
Homer: This car was made in Guatemala.
Country Folk: Well pardon us, Mr. Gucci loafers.
Homer: I bought these shoes from a hobo!
Country Folk: Well lah-di-dah, Mr. Park Avenue manicure.
Homer: I'm sorry, I believe in good grooming.

Homer: Brace yourselves, everybody. You're about to see the hugest, juiciest, possibly super intelligent vegetables man has ever known!

Lisa: Dad, this might be one of those things you should go to the hospital for.
Homer: After pie.

Homer: Mr. Simpson bowled a perfect game, without the aid of steroids, crack angel dust or the other drugs which are synonymous with pro bowling.

Teller: Will you shut up!
Homer: Hey, I thought you didn't talk.
Teller: I didn't mean to. It just slipped out. Oh god, now Penn's gonna beat me.
Penn: Folks, it's all part of the act.
Teller: No it isn't! Don't leave me alone with him!
Penn: You ruined the act! I'm gonna kill you!
Teller: He'll do it. I'm not the first Teller.

Homer: Well World, this is it. You know I always thought you'd die before me. And now as I prepare my soul for an eternity of fire and poking—
Fellow Jumper: Yeah. Less chat, more splat, pal.

Homer: Kids are the best, Apu. You can teach them to hate the things you hate. And they practically raise themselves, what with the internet and all.

Homer: Look, just give me some ice cream. Um... how about one not touching your ass?

Homer: Man, the last nine months sure were crazy.
Bart: I'll say. I learned the true meaning of Columbus Day.
Marge: I enjoyed a brief but memorable stint as Sideshow Marge.
Lisa: I became the most popular girl in school. But blew it by being conceited.
Bart: And then I learned the true meaning of winter.

Homer: Hey! Don't make me hassle you, Lisa.

Homer: The first meeting of Hell's Satans is called to order.
Ned: I move we reconsider our club name. Make it something a little less blasphemous. After all, we don't want to go to hell.
Moe: How about the Devil's Pals?
Lenny: The Christ Punchers.
Ned: The Christ— I don't think you understand my objection.

Homer: Stupid sexy Flanders!

About Hawaii
Homer: We'll take the cure, bag a few lobsters, then watch some gay guys get married.

Brother Faith: Brother, I sense you are feeling trapped and desperate.
Homer: Yeah! And I got a bucket on my head.

Homer: I see the light! It burns!

Lisa: Do you have any food that wasn't brutally slaughtered?
Homer: Well I think the veal might have died of loneliness.

Homer: Oh! Why won't anyone give me an award.
Lisa: You won a Grammy.
Homer: I mean an award that's worth winning.

Bart: Who are those pleasant old men?
Homer: It's BTO. They're Canada's answer to EOP. Their big hit was TCB. That's how we talked in the 70s. We didn't have a moment to spare!

Bart: You're watching PBS?
Homer: Hey, I'm as surprised as you.

Homer: Save me, Jebus!

Homer: If The Flintstone's has taught us anything, it's that pelicans can be used to mix cement.

Bart: Hey! An Indian casino.
Homer: God bless Native America.

Homer: Florida? But that's America's wang.
Plant Psychiatrist: They prefer the Sunshine State.

Marge: Nobody told us how tough it is to raise kids. They almost drove me to fortified wine.
Homer: Then we figured out we could park them in front of the TV. That's how I was raised and I turned out TV.

Marge: Okay, the material was a little corny, but Homer and I had real chemistry on screen.
Homer: Every day I thought about firing Marge. You know, just to shake things up.

Homer: Why did I take such punishment? Let's just say fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug was the drugs.

Homer: I want to set the record straight: I thought the cop was a prostitute.

Homer: Who cut out Beetle Bailey? I need my Miss Buxley fix.
Marge: I don't like you ogling her! Why don't you read Cathy? She's hilarious.
Homer: Eh. Too much baggage.

Homer: Snakes. Nature's quitter.

Homer: That horoscope was baloney. Nothing happened except for the pickaxe in my head, the rattlesnake bite and the testicle thing.

Marge: Well I've got a whole list of chores. Clean the garage, paint the house—
Homer: Woah woah woah. I'm just trying to get in. I'm not running for Jesus.

Homer: I lost my job as an oaf today.
Marge: What? Oh why are the oafs the first to go?
Bart: Maybe you could be a dunce, Father.

Homer: Nice wiring, Bart.
Bart: It worked on the test corpse.

Homer: Honey, there's a point in every father's life when he blows up his daughter's room.
Lisa: Oh yeah? You didn't blow up Maggie's room. {there's an explosion down the hall}

Lisa: I'm all for ethnic diversity but this is just pandering.
Homer: Maybe so, but Dawson is gonna be bummed.

Homer: Ow! That bullet went in!

Marge: Maybe we should talk to a financial planner.
Homer: Financial panther, eh? {he imagines it} Heh heh heh. I'm on board.

Salesman: That's the same computer astronauts use to do their taxes.
Homer: I was an astronaut.
Salesman: Of course you were.

Homer: Don't worry, head. The computer will do our thinking now.

Homer: Now then. {to mouse} Computer, kill Flanders.
Flanders: Did I hear my name? My ears are burning.
Homer to computer: Good start. Now finish the job.

Homer: Oo! It's Dancing Jesus. If there's a better use for the internet I haven't found it.

Lisa: You can't post that on the internet. You don't even know if it's true.
Homer: Nelson has never steered me wrong, honey. Nelson is gold.
Bart: You know, it might have been Jimbo.
Homer: Beautiful! We have confirmation.

Lisa: Well you can't post news if you don't have any.
Homer: That's a great idea. I'll make up some news!
Lisa: At least take off your Pulitzer Prize when you say that.

Number Six (Patrick McGoohan): Welcome, friend. I'm Number Six.
Number 15: I'm Number 15. What Number are you?
Homer: I am not a number! I am a man! And don't you ever— Oh wait. I'm Number Five. Ha ha! In your face, Number Six.
Number Six: Yes. Well done.
Homer: Who are all these oddballs?
Number Six: Well they keep us here because we know too much. Number 27 there knows how to turn water into gasoline. Number 12 knows the deadly secret behind tic-tacs. And I invented the bottomless peanut bag.

Homer: Of course. It's so simple. Wait, no it's not. It's needlessly complicated.

Homer: So she was made of chimps.
Bart: Man, magic can do anything.

Marge: What are you doing? Why are you frosting that old throw pillow?
Homer: I could ask you the very same question!
Marge: Mm. Should I just back out of the room?
Homer: Would you?

Marge: Ready for the circus, Homer?
Homer: The circus?
Lisa: Le Cirque de Purée. We've had tickets since septembre.
Homer: But I want to watch Brett Favre!

Marge: This is terrible! How will the kids get home?
Homer: I dunno. Internet?

Homer: Animation is so great. It's way better than... whatever the alternative is.

Voice: For automated stock prices, please state the company name.
Homer: Animotion.
Voice: Animotion. Up one and one half.
Homer: Yahoo!
Voice: Yahoo. Up six and a quarter.
Homer: Huh? What is this crap?!
Voice: FOX Broadcasting. Down eight.

Homer: I have a great way to solve our money woes. You rent your womb to a rich childless couple. If you agree, signify by getting indignant.
Marge: Are you crazy? I'm not going to be a surrogate mother.
Homer: C'mon, Marge. We're a team. It's uter-US, not uter-YOU.
Marge: Forget it!

Scientist: That appetite suppressant is amazing!
Scientist 2: Homer... you really have no desire to eat that food?
Homer: Food? I'm blind! Augh! Augh!
Scientist 3: Who's gonna buy a pill that makes you blind?
Scientist 2: We'll let marketing worry about that.

Homer: I was working on a flat tax proposal and I accidentally proved there's no god.

Homer: I'm a Spalding Gray in a Rick Dees world. Change me back to the blissful boob I was.
Scientist: I'm sorry, we don't play god here.
Homer: That's ridiculous. You do nothing but play god. And I think your octo-parrot would agree.
Octo-Parrot: Awk! Polly shouldn't be!

Marge: Lisa, a missing crayon could be anywhere.
Homer jumps through the window
Homer: Who wants lottery tickets!
Marge: Okay, it's in his brain.

Abe: You don't care what happens to me when I die!
Homer: Of course I do, Dad! And if it were up to me you wouldn't die at all. But try telling that to Killy McGee up there!

Homer: What on Earth are you doing?
Lisa: Practicing tennis.
Homer: That's tennis? Oh! What's the one where the chicks wail on each other?
Bart: Foxy boxing?

Lisa: Oedipus killed his father and married his mother.
Homer: Ugh. Who pays for that wedding?

Lisa: Dad, I think you're over-reacting.
Homer: I think you're under-reacting.
Lisa: This session's over.
Homer: This session's under!
Lisa: Goodbye.
Homer: Bad bye!

Homer: Evan eht Nioj. You gotta love that crazy chorus.
Lisa: What does it mean?
Homer: It doesn't mean anything. It's like "rama lama ding dong" or "Give peace a chance."

Lisa: Thank you, Dad!
Homer: Hey, any friend of Marge is a friend of mine.

Homer: Dancing away my hunger pangs, moving my feet so my stomach won't hurt
I'm kinda like Jesus, but not in a sacrilegious way.

Homer: Who are you?
Cesar Chavez: The spirit of Cesar Chavez.
Homer: Why do you look like Cesar Romero?
Cesar Chavez: Because you don't know what Cesar Chavez looks like.

The kids are watching a commercial for Stabby-Oh's featuring a beheaded mother
Lisa: That ad campaign may have crossed a line.
Homer: Eh, what can you do. Sex sells.

Marge: Homer! You're still here? You should have left for work an hour ago.
Homer: They said if I come in late again I'm fired. I can't take that chance.

Saleswoman: Your baby is dead!
Homer and Marge: What?!
Saleswoman: That's what you'd hear if your baby fell victim to the thousands of deathtraps lurking in the average American home.
Marge: "Springfield Baby Proofers"
Homer: You really scared us there.
Saleswoman: Sorry about that. But the truth is, your baby, Maggie Simpson, is dead! Dead tired of baby-proofers who don't provide a free estimate. Let's start in the kitchen.

Homer: That baby proofing crook wanted to sell us covers for the electrical outlets. But I'll just draw bunny faces on them to scare Maggie away.
Marge: She's not afraid of bunnies.
Homer: She will be.

Homer: Now for the awkward part. We gotta talk about money.
Lisa: What? You said we were doing this out of friendship!
Homer: That doesn't sound like me.

Homer: I'd be glad to spearhead the entire begging initiative.
Ned: Well thanks, Homer.
Homer: No problem. I'll need a sack and something sharp.

Homer: Soon I will have a miracle hybrid, with the loyalty of a cat and the cleanliness of a dog!

Homer: Trusting every aspect of our lives to a giant computer was the smartest thing we ever did.

Homer: Mmm.... unexplained bacon.

Homer: Die, you monster!
Lisa: Dad! That's the water softener.
Homer: Well I am missing the back of my head. I think you could cut me some slack!

Moe: Hey hey! No kids in the bar.
Homer: Since when?
Moe: Oh, the heat's been on since them Bush girls were in here.

Moe: Look, I don't want to start a pissing contest here. Or do I?
A little while later:
Homer: Woo hoo!
Carl: That was wind-assisted.

Homer: Now do you believe dead rats float, Lisa?

Homer: Son, we are about to break the surly bonds of gravity and punch the face of God.

Marge: This is the worst thing you've ever done!
Homer: You say that so much it's lost all meaning.

Homer: Bacon up that sausage, boy!

Homer: Wow. Now that's a goiter.

Bart: Why don't you try to set a record, Dad?
Homer: That's a great idea! Do you think I could run a mile in three-and-a-half minutes?
Bart: Only on Mars.
Homer: The Simpsons are going to Mars!

Man: The only way someone new can get in the book is with some kind of group stunt.
Homer: Group stunt?
Woman: Like the town that made the world's largest omelet.
Homer: Denver?
Woman: No. Spanish.

Record Book Guy: Everyone, welcome to the Duff Book of World Records. Springfield is the world's fattest town.
Homer: Woo hoo! In your face, Milwaukee!

Homer: Wait. You went to a sugar factory? Were there Oompa Loompas?
Marge: There was one in a cage. But he wasn't moving.

Kent Brockman: Good evening. Our top story: Springfield's cake hole has been shut forever. Under what has been dubbed "Marge's Law," all forms of sugar are now illegal.
Homer: Thank you, Erin Choco-Snitch. That was a group effort.

Homer: Okay, Ziff, you get her for the weekend. But no funny stuff. And by funny stuff I mean hand holding, googoo eyes, misdirected woo—which is pretty much any John Woo film.

Homer: This job will be perfect. I'm going to leave this world the way I entered it. Dirty, screaming and ripped away from the woman I love.
Lenny: Quick and pointless. That's the death for me!

Homer: Ouch! I sat on something sharp.
Rainier Wolfcastle: Oh. That's just Lara Flynn Boyle.

Homer: Canada? Why should we leave America to visit America Junior!

Homer: Overdue book? This is the biggest frame-up since OJ! Wait a minute. Blood in the Bronco. The cuts on his hands. Those Jay Leno monologues. Oh my god, he did it!

Homer: Hm. Homer's Odyssey. Is this about that minivan I rented once?

King of Troy: Now throughout history when people get wood they'll think of Trojan.
Homer: Heh heh heh. Trojan.
Lisa: What are you lauging at, Dad?
Homer: If I'm laughing at what I think I am, it's very funny.

Homer: This one takes place in a make believe kingdom called France.

Lisa: And that's the greatest thing ever written.
Bart: Are you crazy? I can't believe a play where everybody gets murdered could be so boring.
Homer: Son. It's not only a great play. But also became a great movie. Called Ghostbusters.

Homer: Homer, what are you going to do?
Bart: Crazy scheme, crazy scheme, scheme.
Homer: Get me tools and beer.
Bart: Yes!

Homer: Don't you know the boys from Brazil are little Hitlers! I saw it in a movie, whose name I can't remember.

Bart about his Speedo: I feel so European.
Homer: Mine keeps disappearing. {He put on another one, which disappears} I hope they're going someplace good.

Homer: Take me, but let the boy go!
Brazilian Kidnapper: I'm afraid he has already gone.

Marge: Homer, I'm very uncomfortable having a gang of crows in our bedroom.
Homer: It's a murder, honey. A group of crows is called a murder.
Marge: I'm sleeping on the couch.

Homer: But isn't marijuana or "dope" illegal?
Dr. Hibbert: Only for those who enjoy it.

Homer: Okay, let's see. "Toke as needed. Caution: objects may appear more edible than they actually are."

Bart: Dad, I though you didn't like her saxophone.
Homer: I didn't, but now Daddy's special medicine—(raises voice menacingly) which you must never use because it will ruin your life—lets Daddy see and hear magical things you will never experience. EVER!

Marge: Where did you get that suit?
Homer: Woah! Woah! One question at a time.

Homer: We have a kitchen?!

Marge: Now before we get there, you have to put this blindfold on.
Homer: All my other senses are getting sharper! Bart, you had pizza for lunch. Lisa, you're extremely depressed.

Krusty: Hey, Homer, do you remember this voice?
Homer: Kathleen Turner! Rawrrrrr!

Homer: Are you sure you don't want to come? It's a Civil War reenactment. We need plenty of Indians to shoot.
Apu: I don't know which part of that statement to correct first.

Lisa: Come on, Dad! We're gonna be late.
Homer: Okay okay. Don't go all Mary Todd on us.

Apu: I always thought karma was bologna but not anymore.
Homer: Mmmm... caramel bologna.

Lisa: Who wants to put on a leotard and get screamed at.
Homer: Well, hookers and Spider-man.

Homer: Are you okay, Lisa?
Lisa: I'm more than okay. Ich bin ein gymnast!
Homer: Ah, she must have dreamt of Hitler again.

Old Jewish Man: Didn't these meals used to have cobbler?
Homer: Uh. They discontinued the cobbler.
Old Jewish Man: You smell like cobbler!
Homer: Now let's not get in to who smells like what.

Homer: Can't you do anything? Surprise witnesses? Evidence tampering? Play the race card! {menacingly} Play it!

Homer is talking to Carmen Electra's chest
Carmen Electra: Uh. Homer, my face is up here.
Homer: I've made my choice.

Lisa: Dad, no! We're trying to conserve energy.
Homer: Lisa, if we start conserving, the environmentalists win!

Homer: Oh. Every time Santa and I get together it's a disaster.

Homer: Did you steal dolls from my daughter?
Jimbo: I think they demean women.
Homer: Well think again, son. You're going to juvie.
Jimbo: But I just got out of juvie.
Homer: Good. Cause I need directions.

Homer: I don't get it. I finally did a job where I wasn't lazy, stupid or corrupt. And now I'm going to get killed for it!

Marge: Well then who shot all the gangsters?
Homer: I must have a guardian angel. With a rifle.

Homer: Now, before I abandon you in this cornfield, does anyone remember the way home?
Homer clone: I do.
Homer shoots the clone.
Homer: Anybody else?
Another clone raises his hand. Homer shoots him.
Homer: Anybody else? Come on.
Another clone raises his hand and gets shot.
Homer: Okay, everyone out.

Lisa: Dad, is there anything you'd like to tell us about this horde?
Homer: You'd think so. But no.

Marge: These are horrible ghouls from the past.
Homer: Hey, so are the Grammy judges.

Dr. Hibbert: Now he may try to slobber on your crotch.
Homer: Eh. I've been around Scotsmen.

Marge: I couldn't even wake you up for work this morning. I had to tell Mr. Burns you had violent diarrhea.
Homer: Oh! Couldn't you come up with a less embarrassing lie?
Marge: But you did have violent diarrhea. Nobody open the hallway closet until I say it's okay.

Homer: I'm so excited I couldn't fall asleep. I even took some pills I found on the floor and still nothing.
Apu: You took some pills you found on the floor?
Homer: Uh huh. Now I'm afraid that if I stop talking I'll die. Isn't Mick cool? I thought he'd be all like, "I'm a rock star. Aren't I great?" But he's just like you or me, or Jesus over there.

Elvis Costello: Come on. Who'd like to be a bass player?
Homer: Out of my way, Nerdlinger. grabs guitar and knocks off Elvis' glasses
Elvis Costello: My image!

Announcer: ...Victory seems certain for Governor Thomas C. Dewey.
Homer: Dewey! Dewey! Dewey!
Lisa: Dad, I'm telling you. Truman wins.

Marge: Homey, are you as attracted to me as you were when we met?
Homer: Sure. Why not.

Homer: Wow. Someone's tucked in to an insane degree.

Lisa: Mom! What happened? Your endowment's bigger than Harvard's.
Homer: Well that cinches it. Lisa gets the prize for the best off-the-cuff response.
Lisa: Actually I saw them earlier and I was working on it in the hall.

Homer: Shut up, boy.
Bart: I don't get a song? Mom got a song!
Homer: With the economy the way it is, you're lucky you get soup.

Lisa: But where will we live?
Homer: Don't worry. We'll just hang out in front of the house beside these garbage cans. The time will just fly by. {he cracks a beer a la King of the Hill}

Homer: Marge! Throw me an old timey rope in an old timey way.

Homer: Don't struggle. You'll only sink faster.

Wiggum: Mr. Simpson, is it possible you're leading a double or triple life that your wife doesn't know about?
Homer: Triple? No. Definitely no.

Bart: Dad! I can't believe you're putting my life at risk to save your own.
Homer: You'll understand one day when you have kids.

Sideshow Bob: How can one ordinary man have so many enemies?
Homer: I'm a people person. Who drinks.

Homer: Wait a minute. Frank Grimes wasn't married. How could he have a kid?
Frank Grimes, Jr.: He happened to like hookers, okay?

Lisa: Mom. Dad. My birthday's coming up and Girltech Turbo Diaries are in stores now.
Homer: Lisa, nobody likes a shill.
Lisa: Just buy me the friggin' toy.
Homer: Heh heh heh. I love that little shill.

Lisa: I don't like McNuggets. I'm a vegetarian!
Homer: Still?!

Homer: Now, if you need to reach me, my email is chunkylover53 at AOL.
Dexter Colt: Chunky Lover 53...
Homer: It's one word.
Dexter Colt: One word.
Homer: Chunkylover53.
Dexter Colt: AOL.
Homer: Dot com.

Homer: Lisa's pet peeve is phonies? I thought she loved them!

Lisa: How could you?
Homer: Well all the childless drunks at Moe's thought it was a good idea.

Homer: Bart will play Apu.
Lisa: I'm a magazine rack.
Homer: Look, I'm the first to admit it. I don't write good parts for women.

Homer: You know, I used to think God only helped professional athletes and Grammy winners. But now I realize he helps shmoes like me too.

Some drywall collapses and Maggie crawls out
Homer: You was hiding behind the drywall, yes you were. I'm glad social services didn't see this, yes I am. {Maggie coughs} Oo, you coughed up some drywall.

Marge: Aren't you afraid you might be incurring God's wrath?
Homer: Eh. God's cool.
Marge: See, I don't know that he is.

Ned: I can't date a movie star. I'm no Arthur Miller or Lyle Lovett.
Homer: Now wait just a minute! I used to worry Marge was too good for me. She was always thinking of ways to improve me. But then a part of her died. And she doesn't even try anymore. So we're all where we want to be.

Homer: Now who might you be? A tabloid. Is that one of those really strong mints?

Homer: Mmm... promo. Ew FOX!

Homer: I guess there's only one way out of our problems. A murder-suicide pact.
Marge: How can you say that!
Homer: It's just an expression, Marge.

Bart: At last, the planes are flying where they belong.
Homer: That's right. Over the homes of poor people.

Homer: Oh my darling, nothing is too romantic for you. Have some more liquor!

Homer: Thank you, outdoor advertising! You've saved my marriage. And not for the first time.

Homer: Oh! Nobody loves oily Homer.

Successmanship 101 Teacher: You there! The greasy naked bald man!
Homer: You know everything about me.

Homer: "Tip 1: Live each day like it was your last." {cut to Homer sitting on a curb, crying}. I don't wanna die! I'm so young!

Homer: All my life I've had one dream: to achieve my many goals.

Marge: Homey, don't let it get you down. So Mr. Burns doesn't take you seriously. Big whoop. Who gives a doodle. Whoopie ding dong doo.
Homer: Thanks for trying, but I'll be at Moe's.
Marge: So my husband goes to a bar every night. Whoopety-do. Who gives a bibble. Gabba gabba hey.

Mr. Burns: That man's mad! Smithers, get this bedlamite an alienist.
Homer: No! It's entirely within my power.

Mr. Burns: Knock knock.
Homer: Mr. Burns! Where's Mr. Smithers?
Mr. Burns: He's doing eighty years on an opium bust. I never saw a man take to a Turkish prison so quickly.

Bart: All that's left for me is to become the biggest drunk this town's ever seen.
Homer: Talkin' won't get you there.

Homer: Oh my god! Space monsters are invading us.
Lisa: Dad. That's a moth.
Homer: Oh. Well where do I twist this thing to make funny patterns?
Lisa: Dad! That's a kaleidoscope.
Homer: You may be a smart kid, Lisa, but you don't know much about not hurting people's feelings.

Marge: I am so sick of that song!
Homer: Me too. I've come to hate my own creation. Now I know how God feels.

Marge: Homey, I'm worried about how fast our kids are growing up.
Homer: It's the beef hormones and the fluorescent lights. What're you gonna do.

Lisa: I'm impressed that you drew up blueprints, but these are for a go-cart track.
Homer: Did Frank Lloyd Wright have to deal with people like you?
Lisa: Actually, Frank Lloyd Wright endured a lot of harsh criticism
Homer: Look. I have no idea who Frank Lloyd Wright is.
Lisa: You said his name two seconds ago.
Homer: I was just putting words together.

Homer: Marge, prepare the emergency ham!

Homer: Prepare the celebration ham!
Marge: All we have are the earthquake ham and the condolence ham.
Homer: Marge, they're just hams, okay?

Homer: I never knew you were such a Beatles fan.
Ned: Of course I am. They were bigger than Jesus. But your boy went Yoko and broke up my collection.
Bart: Hey, boys will be boys.
Marge: I am so tired of that tautology.

Lisa: Hey, Dad, maybe you could lead Bart's tribe.
Homer: You mean like some sort of mad man?
Lisa: Ideally, no, but—
Homer: I'll do it!

Homer: I am Homer Tribal Chief. I am wearing tiny briefs. Braves teach values boys should know. Now extended drum solo.

Homer: How come Lisa always gets to pick the family activity?
Lisa: Because I know every time you say, "Pick a number from one to ten" it's always seven.
Homer: That's because there were seven Apostles.
Marge: No. There were twelve.
Homer: Wow. That's a big staff. And still he wasn't that funny.

Homer: Death! Death! We miss you so much. You were a busboy in the restaurant of life. Clearing away the oldies and the sickies and the chokies. And you made NASCAR racing exciting.

Homer: Jasper! Your time has come!
Jasper: Where's the regular guy? Where's Doug?
Homer: Never mind. I'm Death now.
Jasper: Oh... I liked Doug.

Caller: Sir, I'm honored to inform you that you've won the Nobel Prize.
Homer: The Nobel Prize? Finally! So it's for what? My whole deal?

Lisa: Why can't I tinker with the fabric of existence?
Homer: Let the baby have her bottle.

Homer: That's it! I'm acting the way America acts best. Unilaterally!

Homer: That's it kids, suckle Daddy's sugar ball.

Homer: Check it out, ladies. The suit that makes me completely invulnerable to bear attacks.
Marge: Homer, there's no rear on that thing.
Homer: I know. If I get scared I don't wanna ruin the suit.

Homer: What kind of example would I be if I didn't take revenge on things?
Lisa: Dad, you can't take revenge on animals. That's the whole point of Moby Dick.
Homer: Lisa, the point of Moby Dick is, "Be yourself."

Bart: Dad. You blew it. You listened to Lisa and then you lost your stranglehold on the audience.
Homer: I'll audience you!

Homer: I love the holiday season. See ya in spring, toes!

Homer: Can't you yell at me now and get it over with?
Marge: No! I'm going to parcel my anger out over the next few days and weeks, jabbing at you just when you seem the most content.

Homer: Unloved by Al? No! Death points to the grave. Unloved by all? No!

Homer: TV and Nightmares have joined forces to teach me a lesson. From now on I will stop being selfish and start being good. In fact, I'll be the nicest man in town.
Marge: You've made that promise before.
Homer: Yeah, but this time I'm sober. -Ish.

Homer: You're a hero, Homer J. You're as crafty as a skunk. They'll thank you in the morning for stealing Flanders' junk. Homer J. You're a double-bacon genius burger! And just a little drunk!

Mayor Quimby: Stop that! You can't pray on city property.
Homer: Let's just say that on this day a million years ago, a dude was born who most of us think was magic. But others don't, and that's cool. But we're probably right. Amen.

Marge: You're my rock, Homey.
Homer: And I promise this rock is going to weigh you down for the rest of your life.

Homer: For more information, visit our website, www.aljazeera.com. We're not affiliated, we're just piggybacking on their message board.

Homer: Coke and Pepsi are the same thing! Wake up people!

Marge: Hostess Twinkies?
Homer: I heard if you age them for ten years, they turn to liquor.

Homer: Boy are you in trouble.
Bart: What are you talking about?
Homer: When a woman says nothing's wrong, that means everything's wrong. And when a woman says everything's wrong, that means everything's wrong. And when a woman says something's not funny, you'd better not laugh your ass off.

Homer: That's it! It's one thing for a ghost to terrorize my children. But quite another for him to play my theremin!

Yes Guy: Sir! Other customers need to use that dressing room.
Homer: Dressing room? Uh oh.

Warden: So. Why do you want to be a guard here?
Homer: I believe that children are our future. Unless we stop them now.

Homer: Son, seeing sappy movies with a lady has certain payoffs.
Bart: Like what? They'll do something with you that they hate?
Homer: Exactly.

Homer: As the Bible says, "Screw that!"

Homer: All I wanted was a second honeymoon. And now the floor is made of lava.

Homer: The only thing that can make bacon more delicious is seeing how it's made.

Homer: I bet this is all a big surprise, huh? Mild-mannered Homer Simpson.
Lisa: You're not mild-mannered. You're often liquored-up and rude.
Homer: Honorable men can differ.

Homer: My beer! You never had a chance to become my urine.

Homer: Hm. I guess it's row versus wade. And it's my right to choose.

Homer: Hey, have you two longshoremen seen a pretty girl?

Homer: Marge, I'm really sorry I hurt you. But I've done way worse stuff since then. There was the gun I hid from you, the time I sued the church, ruining Lisa's wedding in the future. Remember that?

Lisa: Swim towards San Francisco!
Homer: I'm not made of money. We'll swim to Oakland.

Bart: Am I the only one here who's in horrible pain?
Homer: You're the only one who won't shut up about it!

Flanders: Don't worry, Sweetie. I'm not going to kill your father.
Homer: Flanders? Kill me! {laughs} You've never killed anybody and you're going to start with the big dog?

Flanders: Quit whackin' my barrel!
Homer: Never.

Lisa: Dad, you should listen to him. He's a man of science and you can barely read.
Homer: Bah! Has science ever kissed a woman? Or won the Super Bowl? Or put a man on the moon? This is what I think of your precious science! Help me Science!

Homer: I need a mouth hole. Um... and some other holes too.

Homer: One of you ate cans, one of you ate health food. How you solved crimes I'll never know.

Marge: I don't see Lisa in any of the seminars.
Homer: And I'm growing ashamed of my penis.

Marge: I like shirts with a nice joke. Like "Support Our Troops."
Homer: Bart's shirt is a classic, Marge. Just like "Keep on Truckin'." As if I would ever want to stop truckin'.

Homer: Nothing makes parents happier than when an eccentric single man takes an interest in their child.

Lisa: We're supposed to do this without parental help.
Homer: Sweetie, that's orphan talk.

Homer: Hey! Maybe the internet has the information I need. It certainly answered a lot of my questions about wang enhancement.

Homer: I can't go to a gay bar! I'm too fat.

Homer: The internet wasn't created for mockery. It was supposed to help researchers at different universities share data sets. It was!

Sports Newscaster: But first, professional sports continues its downward march into the gutter.
Homer: Heh heh heh. This is either about me or steroids.

Homer: What?! Spider poison is people poison?

Insurance Agent: Are you a smoker?
Homer: Yes I am.
Marge: You don't smoke!
Homer: Sh. I want her to think I'm cool.

Homer: I have a backyard that makes my front yard look like an idiot.

Homer: This is a parent's worst nightmare. They've stolen a car and they're home alone!

Officer Krackney (Charles Napier): Let's see now. Barely finished high school, you challenged me to fight six times since the interview began...
Homer: Make it seven!
Officer Krackney: Mr. Simpson, I like the way you go nuts over nothing.

Homer: But he misread my pee! He misread my pee!

Homer: I'm not supposed to be new meat! I'm supposed to have your job!
Officer Krackney: I'm sick of you positing on alternate realities.

Mr. Burns: There are perks. Private cell, extra dessert, and this adorable little hat.
Homer: Well I am a sucker for little hats.

Homer: Hey! Come back with my patio furniture! Stupid flounders.

Bart: My heart, it hurts so much. Like it's caught in a vise!
Homer: Oh ho ho. My little boy's in love.
Lisa: I think he's having a heart attack.

Flanders: Son we're here to help with your... uh, which addiction are we going after here?
Homer: Overeating. And if there's time we'll get to my drinking. But there won't be time.

Marge: Homer, maybe you could ask Mr. Burns for a raise.
Homer: Even better, I'll ask him for my job back!

Homer: I am not too fat. I'm alive, aren't I?
Tab Spangler: Mr. Simpson, you're suffering from P.S.I. {points to the PSI sign} Poor Self Esteem. That's not I. Every sign is wrong!
Homer: Oh that's terrible.
Tab Spangler: We got a long drive ahead. You wanna pull off at a motel? We'll split a room.
Homer: Where will I sleep?
Tab Spangler: We can worry about that when we're standing naked before the bed! My goodness! No wonder you eat. What are you eating now?
Homer: Cheeseburger.
Tab Spangler: You're a catastrophe! Let me have half of it.
Homer: I don't wanna.
Tab Spangler: I just want the cheese. I don't want the meat. I do want the meat!
Homer: Here's a corner.
Tab Spangler: Let me just bite it. Don't rip it! Let me have the whole thing. You'll get some later.
Homer: You're a selfish jerk.
Tab Spangler: I've smelled it. It has to be eaten!
Homer: But it's my burger.
Tab Spangler: I'm driving. I'll kill us.
Homer: Fine. I'd rather die.

Homer: I don't miss meat at all! This portabello mushroom eats like a steak. A rubbery fungus-like steak.

Lisa: Dad, I'm sorry you're hurt but you left me no choice. You were obnoxious at a level not even permitted in show business.
Homer: Do you know the hours I worked? The people I had to yell at, the tires I had to slash.
Lisa: No one asked you to yell and slash!
Homer: It's called shmoozing!

Homer: He's about to learn the most important lesson in the music business: don't trust people in the music business.

Homer: Marge the Rapture is nigh. These books will help me figure out how nigh.

Homer: It's the end of the world! God loves you! He's going to kill you!

Homer: Stupid family. Won't even come to my Rapture. I went to Lisa's play! Which had serious pacing problems.

Homer: You wear a bathing suit in the bathtub?
Ned: Yeah! So I can't see my own shrinky-dink.
Homer: Makes... sense.

Homer: What are you guys laughing at? If you say Jimmy Fallon, I'll know you're lying.

Homer: Oh! Who am I fooling with my awesome lies! I want you to come back to Springfield.
Ned: Why? So you can make me a laughingstock again?
Homer: No. I want to make you a respectingstock.

Homer: You've transformed breakfast into dinner. It's a miracle! Log Cabin full of taste, my stomach is with thee. Blessed art thou amongst syrups, and blessed—
Sister: No prayin' to the condiments!

Homer: Man, you guys got more crazy rules than Blockbuster Video.

Homer: Why does that woman thwart my sporadic interest in my children?

Homer: Alright. You can shoot your gay adult film at my house.
Fat Tony: I didn't say anything about gay.
Homer: I thought you guys were the gay mafia.

Marge: Homer, don't touch her. You've never had chicken pox.
Homer: I know and you did. And you're great.
Marge: No, I'm just saying it's very dangerous if you get it as an adult. It could leave you sterile. Down there.
Homer: You always gotta work blue, doncha Marge? You're better than that.

Bart: Don't worry, Dad. I'm saving one for you. I'll just leave it here in the dog's mouth.
Homer: No! Bart! That's a really bad storage area!

Ned: Hey Homer, why the sour puss? Did you chug-a-lug of skunky Snapple?
Homer: I don't know, maybe. Plus my wife won't let me inside because the baby's got chicken pox.

Homer: Of all the people for Marge to cheat on, why did it have to be me?

Lisa: I hate going to the zoo. I feel so sorry for the animals.
Homer: Lisa, the zoo opens up a whole new world for the animals. In the wild, they would never experience boredom, obesity, loss of purpose. You know, the American Dream!

Lisa: They're tearing down the pier!
Bart: But what will junkies do drugs under?
Homer: They'll bounce back, son. They're a strong people.

Homer: You want me to ride a whatsicle built for who?
Marge: A tandem bike!

Homer: Oh sure, it's easy to point out my faults. It's a little harder to shut up.

Homer: Oh come on, honey, you have lots of friends. There's Lisa... and the stove.

Homer: Why does every woman I try to talk to run into cans?

Homer: Marge, I wanted to save you from the cops but the cops followed me. Game over, man! Game, over!

Lisa: Dad! Don't act like Mussolini.
Homer: Hm. I thought I was doing Donald Trump.

Homer: A pregnant virgin? That's every man's worst nightmare!

Homer: And did you know that little baby Jesus grew up to be... Jesus? {the crowd is awed} I know, it's weird isn't it?

Homer: So this guy might be my real father. And his name starts with M. Hm... Moleman... Mr. Burns... M. Night Shyamalan! That would be a twist worthy of his increasingly lousy films.

Homer: They use a proven concept: tough hate. To turn around foul-mouthed hooligans. Then they send them home, quietly ticking away.

Bart: Dad, if you take me to Vegas I'll teach you how to cheat at blackjack.
Homer: Boy, you don't need to cheat when you've got a system.
Bart: What's your system?
Homer: I don't tell your mother how much I've lost.

Homer: One child to Portland. He's your problem now!
Ticketing Agent: It seems he was our problem before. Your son is on the no-fly list.

Bart: Where's the old carefree Homer that likes to cut loose?
Homer: You mean Fun Homer? I'm afraid Serious Homer has him locked up 'til you're at your snooty torture camp.

Dead Intellectual Homer: Ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny

Mount Rushmore : Twenty Feet Out of Your Way.
Homer: Eh.

Homer: I'll have the Smiley Face breakfast special. But could you add a bacon nose? Plus bacon hair. Bacon mustache. Five o'clock shadow made of bacon bits. And a bacon body.
Skobo's Waitress: How 'bout if I just shoved a pig down your throat. {Homer sounds interested} I'm kidding.
Homer: Fine! But the bacon man lives in a bacon house!
Skobo's Waitress: No he doesn't!

Marge: Homey, what's that? On the back of your head?
Homer: It's called headvertising. It creates brand awareness without relying on traditional media.
Marge: Well it creeps me out. Homer turns off the light Wow. It glows in the dark.
Homer confused: It's not supposed to.

Homer: I'm stuck! And I have to pee. pause Now I'm just stuck.

Homer: Lisa, monkeys don't have feelings. If they did then my experiments could be called cruel.

Marge: What are you doing, Homer?
Homer: I'm signing us up for a reality show where we trade you to another family.
Marge: Wow, that could be interesting. Or it could damage many many lives.

Homer: You take forever to say nothing!

Homer: This isn't India! Where's the University of Notre Dame? The Indy 500? Wrigley Field? Dodger Dogs?
Traveler: You ignorant American. You have confused India with Indiana, Indiana with Illinois, and the Cubs with the Dodgers.

Lisa: I can't wait to see this reimagining of Itchy and Scratchy by avant garde director Juliana Krellner.
Homer: Hey, it say here the "book" was written by Tom Stoppard.

Bart: Dad, isn't it wrong to open and/or eat other people's mail?
Homer: Son, all our mail has ever brought me is bad news. Bills, jury duty, Entertainment Weekly...

Homer: Time to do what I do best: ruin it for everybody.

Bart: So according to Creationism, there were no cavemen.
Homer: Good riddance! Their drawings suck and they look like hippies.

Homer: Wow! Your paintings have brush marks and your statues have weiners.

Bart: So how did Malt Liquor Mommy die?
Marge: Stop calling her that!
Lenny: I'll tell you how she died. You know that sign that says, "Do not stand up on the roller coaster"?
Bart: Yeah.
Lenny: She overdosed right in front of it.
Marge: Low class all the way.
Homer: Marge, could you let it go? You won. She's dead.

Homer: Spare us your medical mumbo jumbo. Just give us the pills. Clear cut his brain down to the nub.

That candy's been here an awfully long time. I'd think twice if I were you.
Homer: Don't tell me how many times to think.

Homer: Oh, no you don't! If I can keep down Arby's I can keep down you!

Homer: No! Today's teens have enough problems without me eating them.

Marge: Homer! Our son joined the army!
Homer: Eh. Big deal. By the time Bart's eighteen we're gonna control the world. We're China, right?

Boot Camp: Ordinarily I would spend the next two hours questioning your sexuality, putting down your hometowns, and telling you to drop and give me various numbers.
Homer: Are you gonna ask us our major malfunctions? Because mine is I care too much.

The Colonel (Kiefer Sutherland): Gentlemen, I'll be frank. Never before has the Army accepted recruits with test scores as low as yours.
Homer: That's an odd way to start handing out medals.

Homer: There once was a rapping tomato
That's right, I said rapping tomato
He rapped all day, from April to May
And also, guess what, it was me.

Marge: Homer! Don't drink and drive.
Homer: Fine. I'll drive between sips.

Homer: Sweetie, I can't abandon my route even for one day. If those kids discover the link between eating right and feeling good I am screwed.

Homer about Gil: Why did you let that loser into our home?
Marge: I'll tell you why: Christian charity.
Homer: Christian Charity? What does a porn star have to do with this?

Bart: Wow! Gil's a big shot.
Homer: And to think he and I once shared a shower.

Judge: I sentence you to life!
Homer: You moron. I'm already alive.

Homer: I'm gonna get my revenge. And if I get caught, I'm pinning it on the baby like the time I shot Mr. Burns.

Lisa: Some of my report wasn't thoroughly fact-checked.
Homer: Ah, my little CBS News.

Homer: Bart! Buddy! It's your dad. I need a ride. I think I'm in Chinatown. Not our Chinatown.

Homer: Why would I go to Utah? I love booze, caffeine and monogamy.

Homer: Hey, for old times sake, do you want to drive me around while I sing public domain songs out the window?
Bart: You got it!

Homer: Check with me in eight years, Doctor Who! I'll be kicking your ass with a solid gold boot.

Desmond: I can't believe it! Homer Simpson, a bloody millionaire?
Homer: Why are you so shocked? This is our fifth take.

Homer: Oh mother sea. Giver of fish, taker of boats. Toilet to the world. The Greeks call you Poseidon. The Romans, Aquaman. Look into thy starfish heart and protect thy soul so we may go tubing on you again.

Homer: But I thought bankruptcy was the cool law. The one that says, "Don't worry about it. I got this."

Homer: Feels good to tell the truth. No, I'm lying again. It feels bad.

Homer: Our kids used to be so cute.
Bart: Used to?!
Homer: Oh deal with it.

Homer: Your hip hop CD was boastful and unnecessary!

Homer: He's trying to make me look like a bad father! Maggie, take the wheel. Ten and two, Einstein.

Homer: Hey Lisa. Self-conscious about your shins? In my day girls were worried about their boobs.

Lisa: You can't give me a yellow card! You're my father!
Homer: When I put on these shorts, I'm not your father. And judging by how tight they are, I'm never going to be anyone else's either.

Bart: Jumpin' Johnnycakes. Those dames are cheesed.
Homer: Son, I'll never understand women if I live to be forty.
Bart: Big "if".
Homer: You said it. Enjoy me while I last.

Marge: Maybe we should split up.
Homer: Marge! No! We can fix this marriage!

Homer: How come things that happen to stupid people keep happening to me?!

Homer: Rice Krispies treats! Way to phone it in, Sarah Wiggum.

Homer: Did you know that everyday Mexican gays sneak into this country and unplug our brain dead ladies?

Mr. Burns: And just so you know, she'll do anything for you. Anything except sex! And I do mean "anything".
Homer: Oh... I'm aroused. And confused.

Homer: Dr. Frederick J. Waxman, you're a genius!
Colby Kraus (Stephen Colbert): That's not my name.
Homer: I wasn't talking to you.

Homer: Bart, I'll need some clean urine, STAT!

Homer: Au jus. Not quite gravy, not quite blood.

Mr. Burns: My boy you are a star.
Homer: Woo hoo!
Mr. Burns: An opera star.
Homer: Oh.

Bart: Dad, you were great!
Lisa: And you contributed to our culture.
Homer: I didn't mean to.
Lisa: No no, it's a good thing.
Homer: Oh good. This makes up for me showing up drunk to the father-daughter dance.
Lisa: The dance isn't until next week.
Homer: Sorry, Lisa. You can't change the future.

Homer: Wow. Praise from Placido Domingo.
Placido Domingo: Just call me P. Mingo.
Homer: Eh. I'll think about it.

Homer: When you call in sick, who do you call?
Louie (Matt Dillon): I don't call in sick. I work when I wanna.
Homer: Sometimes you wanna work?

Homer: Man, you work as a silhouette model for one day and it haunts you for the rest of your life.

Marge: You have to be there. You miss way too many precious moments in the children's lives.
Homer: What? Name twelve.
Bart: Well, just this week there's been field day, pick me up from airport—
Lisa: And the father-daughter dance!

Marge: Homer, you can not miss Lisa's big day. And you have to come sober!
Homer: American sober or Irish sober?
Marge: .08 sober!
Homer: .15!
Marge: .09!
Homer: .10. With a stomach full of bread. Final offer.

Marge: Homer, I'm a hostage in a bank robbery!
Homer: What? Oh my god! My sweet Margie! Okay, listen very carefully: don't do anything they say, remain panicky, and above all try to be a hero.

Homer: Mmm... Developed by...

Mr. Burns: Greetings, 241.
Homer: Why does he always bring up my weight!

Marge: You're a killer for hire!
Homer: You ruined that pie!

Homer: Marge give me a break. I don't notice the color of people's eyes. I just judge them by the color of their skin.

Bart: Why do all your bedtime stories have commercials in them for the Container Store?
Homer: Because if I do it enough maybe they'll start to pay me.

Homer: Why would women want to go to a gym if there were no men there watching them and judging them?

Homer: Hors d’oeuvres, big fancy desserts and my wife is paying for everything. Now I know why pimps are so happy.

Homer: Oh. All food tastes like barf now.

Marge: What are you hiding from me? Is it chocolate?
Homer: It used to be.

Surgeon: Okay, count backwards from ten.
Homer: Fine. I admit it. I'm drunk.

Homer: Heh heh heh. I spit on your corpse, advertiser-supported television!

Homer: Hey boy, do you know where the family is? Show me on MapQuest. SLH growls Fine. Google Maps.

Homer: Flanders, why did you call the cops last night?
Flanders: I had to. I heard a hub-bub, Bub.
Homer: What did I do?!?!
Flanders: Well, can't say for sure but as a Christian I assume the worst!

Homer: The mother of my children with the reason for my children!
Marge: Homer, please!
Duff Man: I'm just giving it to your wife. She is going to be sore tomorrow.

Homer: Listen carefully: I've taken your wife hostage. If you don't have a wife I have kidnapped your brother. Nod if you understand. Good. Now back away from Burns and I will let your dog live.

Homer: If you haven't sprung from or are married to my loins get out of this house. You too, Fred Thompson.
Fred Thompson: But I was in Die Hard.
Homer: Die Hard 2.

Marge: We wouldn't be in this trouble if you'd just pay the heating bill.
Homer: I thought Global Warming would take care of it. Al Gore can't do anything right!

Homer: Okay, I'll keep the LPs, and you take the CDs. I'll take the typewriter, you take the computer. I'll take the Enron stock, you take the Microsoft stock...

Homer: For the next two hours we'll be kid-free. It'll be just like the time we lost them at the mall. That was the best Christmas ever.

Homer: Oh! Even love is boring when you're stuck in a tunnel of it.

Homer: Happy Valentine's Day and shut your gob.

Homer: Oh boy, dinnertime. The perfect break between work and drunk!

Homer: C'mon Bart, all the nerds are doing it.
Bart: I'm not a nerd. I'm a jock who's too cool for sports.

Homer: Well that's our book for the year. I think we've earned some TV.

Homer: Stop saying things, Bart. That's the TV's job.

Marge: Homey, I'm going to be a dancer!
Homer: Go-Go or boring?
Marge: Boring!
Homer: Oh.

Homer: Son, while your mother and little mother are out I'm going to let you in on a deep dark family secret.
Bart: You got a drinking problem?
Homer: I said "secret".

Homer: Have you ever wondered what I do in that locked room?
Bart: Gay out?
Homer: Well wonder no more!
Bart: Beef jerky? The queen of all the jerkys!

Homer: Dad, are you sure you're okay to drive at night?
Grampa Simpson: It's night?!

Homer: Kids, marriage is like a car. Along the way it has its bumps and dings. And this country can't make one that lasts more than five years.

Bart: So Dean Martin would show up at the last minute and do everything in just one take?
Homer: That's right.
Bart: But Wikipedia said he was passionate about rehearsal!
Homer: Don't you worry about Wikipedia. We'll change it when we get home. {menacingly} We'll change a lot of things.

Homer: What could be greater than eating and drinking for hours in a drizzling parking lot.
Lisa: Anything.
Bart: No, everything is better.

Homer: Oh. I never wanted to be famous for being mean. I wanted to be famous for catching Santa Claus.

Homer: You keep disappearing and reappearing and you're not even funny. You're just like that show Scrubs!

Mona Simpson: Homer, are you okay?
Homer: I'm fine. It's my feelings that are mad.

Homer: I'm really glad you corrected me, Lisa. People are always really glad when they're corrected.

Drew Carey: What I love about Krusty is he's always on. But to find out what, you gotta test his pee.
Homer: Pee! Ha ha ha.
Drew Carey: Seriously. Test his pee. He's a danger to the community.

Homer: I loved you, man.
Ned: For the last few weeks. But most of the time I've known you, you've treated me like dirt.
Homer: You hang on to resentment like a Confederate widow!
Ned: I forgave you for accidentally killing my wife.
Homer: Yeah, but you hang on to the big things.

Homer: Is there something different about the kitchen?
Transformed Appliances: No. No.
Homer: Well. The toaster's never lied to me before.

Homer: Before you kill me, I've gotta know. What is the one true religion?
Krusty: Eh, it's a mix of voodoo and Methodist.

Homer: Wow. Nobody gives better parenting advice than childless drunks.

Mapple Guy: Sir, it's not even turned on.
Homer: But it's glowing.
Mapple Guy: That light confirms that it's off.

Moe: This Bashir kid is Muslim. And therefore up to something.
Homer: Oh. I can't believe that until I see a fictional TV program espousing your point of view.

Marge: Homer that's very nice of you having Bart's Muslim friend's Muslim family over.
Homer: Here's the plan. You keep them drunk. I'll be listening. And quietly judging.

Marge: You're teaching Bart a terrible lesson of intolerance!
Homer: I'm sorry. It's just so fun and easy to judge people based on their religion.
Marge: I want you to go over to their house and apologize.
Homer: But we're the more powerful country for a few more years!

Skinner: By the way, I enjoyed the photos of your trip to Yosemite.
Homer: Oh, that. We were actually going out for brunch and I got lost. But don't worry, Officer. We'll definitely have a talk with the boy.

Lisa: Dad, just because you won a high school election doesn't mean your whole life would've been better.
Homer: That's exactly what it means! And Dondelinger took that life away from me. And the taking of a life is murder. And the punishment for murder is— well it varies from state to state and by race.

B: What's going on?
M: It's the first day of school!
Homer: You're the government's problem now!

Lisa: Dad! Bart's throwing away his future!
Homer: Oh no! Now who will sell oranges on the off-ramp?

Homer: For the first time in my life I'm financially responsible for my actions!

Homer: Oh Mardi Gras, oh Mardi Gras! You see a lot of boobies.

Lenny: Homer I was wondering. How can you afford this party year after year?
Homer: Because I have a magical thing called a home equity loan. I borrow all the money I want and the house gets stuck with the bill. Sucker!
Lenny: I'm not sure that's how it works.
Homer: Fine Mr. Skeptical, gimme back your beads.
Lenny: But—
Homer: Beads please.

Homer: Marge, don't worry. It's like when we stopped paying the phone bill. They stopped calling us. In fact everyone did.

Homer: He's nailing something to our door!
Lisa: Hm. I wonder if it's theses.
Homer: That's gross.

Homer: Wolves are taking all our women!

Mother Superior: Look at that. One of God's discarded miracles.
Homer: Augh! Catholics!

Homer: "Thing I want to do before I die." "Pitch in the Negro Leagues." I can think of at least two problems with that. Can't read that one, my thumb's over it. "Have one more beer at O'Flanagan's Pub." We'll do that one.

Homer: Ireland doesn't like pubs anymore. It's as if Danish people stopped liking sleek, modern design.

Homer: America is the New York Yankees of countries. Powerful and respected until the year 2000.

Oscar Wilde: Homer, there are only two tragedies in life. One is not getting what one wants and the other is getting it.
Homer: But that makes no sense.
Oscar Wilde: Experience is simply the name we give to our mistakes.
Homer: Shut up!
Oscar Wilde: "These days, man knows the price of everything. And the value of nothing."
Homer: Whatever happened to Boo!"!?

Homer: I'm sorry. I got carried away. From now on the only thing I'll ever do for you is co-sign if you want a gun. But at least I made Lisa popular. he gets a text. "I Ha-Eight This"? Wha?
Lisa: I'm sorry Dad, these girls are nice on the surface but it's hard work staying this shallow. I hope you understand.
Homer: Yeah. It's clear to me now. The best thing I can do as a parent is simply check out.
Lisa: No. There's a middle ground.
Homer: Lisa, the light bulb is either on or it's off.
Lisa: Not if you use a dimmer switch.
Homer: That's what the dimmer switch companies want you to think.

Homer: We can't afford to move to Waverly Hills. Their house prices have commas in them. As it is, our lawn is just green-painted cement.

Homer: Four walls? Oh... I was thinking more of something in a two- or three.

Homer: Look at me! I'm saving the earth! Where's my Nobel Prize?

Lisa: I'd just like to remind you that we were all immigrants at one time.
Homer: Well you were a baby once. Does that mean that you still like milk and hugs?
Lisa: Yes. I'd like both right now.

Marge: You lost your job?
Homer: It's not my fault! Those Ogdenville guys plied me with their native liquers and liquors. But mostly liquers.
Marge: Poor Homey! And you with your alcoholism.
Homer: Yeah.