The Otto Show

Shearer: I can't think of anyone who's benefited more from the death of Communism than us.
Guest: Maybe the people who actually live in the Communist countries.
Shearer: Oh yeah, hadn't thought of that. I bet you're right.

Harry Shearer (Spinal Tap): We salute you, our half-inflated Dark Lord!

Homer's Barbershop Quartet

The Be-Sharps perform on a building rooftop
George Harrison: It's been done.

Rosebud

Joey Ramone: Go to hell, you old bastard!
Mr. Burns: Have the Rolling Stones killed.
Smithers: But sir, those aren't—
Mr. Burns: Do as I say!

Homer the Great

Number One (Patrick Stewart): Welcome to the club, Number 908. You have joined the Sacred Order of the Stonecutters, who since ancient times have split the rocks of ignorance that obscure the light of knowledge and truth. Now let's all get drunk and play ping pong!

Number One: Homer Simpson, for your continuing and baffling desecration of our beloved sacred parchment, you are hereby banished from the Stonecutters forever.

Mother Simpson

Joe Friday: Are you trying to stall us or are you just senile?
Grampa: A little from column A, a little from column B.

Homerpalooza

Corgan: Billy Corgan, Smashing Pumpkins.
Homer: Homer Simpson, smiling politely.

Tech guy: Who is playing with the London Symphony Orchestra? Come on people, somebody ordered the London Symphony Orchestra... possibly while high. Cypress Hill, I'm looking in your general direction.
Cypress Hill: Yo, did we order the London Symphony?

You Only Move Twice

Homer: Yes sir, Mr Scorpion!
Hank: Don't call me that. It's Mr. Scorpio, but don't call me that either. Call me Hank!

Hank Scorpio: By the way, Homer, what's your least favorite country? Italy or France?
Homer: France.
Hank adjusts a giant laser
Hank Scorpio: Heh heh. Nobody ever says Italy.

Burns, Baby Burns

Larry Burns (Rodney Dangerfield): I tell you, I don't get no regard. No regard at all. No esteem either.

The Springfield Files

Mulder: Mr. Simpson, we want you to recreate your every move the night you saw the alien.
Homer: The evening began at the gentleman's club, where we were discussing Wittgenstein over a game of backgammon.
Scully: Mr. Simpson, it's a felony to lie to the FBI.
Homer: We were sitting in Barney's car eating packets of mustard. Happy?

Scully: Homer, we're going to ask you a few simple yes or no questions. Do you understand?
Homer: Yes. lie detector blows up.

Bart: Leonard Nimoy? What are you doing here?
Leonard Nimoy: Wherever there is mystery and the unexplained, cosmic forces shall draw me near.
Bart: Uh huh.
Hot Dog Vendor: Hey Spock, what do you want on your hot dog?
Leonard Nimoy: Surprise me.

The Twisted World of Marge Simpson

Frank Ormand (Jack Lemmon): Hello, I'm Frank Ormand. And if you're watching me, that means you've got pretzel fever. And not the kind that attacked my intestinal lining some years back.

The Itchy and Scratchy and Poochie Show

Homer: Is this episode going on the air live?
June Velany: No Homer, very few cartoons are broadcast live. It's a terrible strain on the animator's wrist.

Homer's Phobia

John (John Waters) : It's camp! The ludicrously tragic? The tragically ludicrous?
Homer: Oh yeah. Like when a clown dies.

Homer: They ruined all our best names like Bruce and Lance and Julian. Those were the toughest names we had! Now they're just...
John: Queer?
Homer: Yeah, and that's another thing! I resent you people using that word. That's our word for making fun of you! We need it!

Brother from Another Series

Cecil (David Hyde Pierce): And now to kill you. There may be a slight ringing in your ears. Fortunately, you'll be nowhere near them.

Lard of the Dance

Lisa: These are for pierced ears.
Sherri: Yeah, aren't they great?
Terri: Alex did ours.
Alex Whitney (Lisa Kudrow): Yeah, all you need is a thumbtack and a lot of paper towels.

Lisa: Come on, Alex. We've only got nine, maybe ten years, tops where we can giggle in church and chew with our mouths open and go days without bathing. We'll never have that freedom again.
Alex: Listen, you can giggle and stink all you want, but I have a credit card. So *phtpt* on you.

When You Dish Upon a Star

Ron Howard sniffing Homer's breath: Do I smell vodka... and wheatgrass?
Homer: It's called a lawnmower, I invented it. You want one?
Ron Howard: Yeah, okay.
Kim Basinger: And I'll have a rum and zinc.

Mom and Pop Art

Astrid Weller (Isabella Rossellini): Your husband's work is what we call "outsider art". It could be by a mental patient, or a hillbilly, or a chimpanzee.
Homer: In high school I was voted most likely to *be* a mental patient, hillbilly, or chimpanzee!

Beyond Blunderdome

Studio Executive: You desecrated a classic film. This is worse than Godfather 3.
Mel Gibson: Woah. Hey. Woah. Let's not say things we can't take back.

Mel Gibson: I'm getting too old for this crap.
Homer: How old are you anyway?
Mel Gibson: Well I've been told I can play anywhere from 28 to—
Homer: Sorry I asked!

Pokey Mom

Wiggum: My wife and I like watching that Oz show on HBO. Uh, is... is prison really like that?
Jack (Michael Keaton): Wouldn't know. We only get basic cable.
Wiggum: Ouch. I also like that Sex in the City. None of those girls looks like my wife.
Jack: Sportscenter's not bad.
Wiggum: Yeah, I never got that show.
Jack: What's to get? They just tell the scores.
Wiggum: Yeah, I suppose, yeah. Hey, ya meet any Mob guys? Are they really like The Sopranos?
Jack: I told you, we just get basic cable.
Wiggum: Oh right, right, right. Listen, if I'm getting too chatty, just, uh, just tell me to shut up.
Jack: Ah, I'm enjoying it. Hey, you ever watch them strongman contests? They're pretty good. Those guys look strong. Other guys in prison say they're gay, but I don't know. They look strong to me.

Sweets and Sour Marge

Marge: I'm Marge Simpson. Long-time customer. First time complainer.
Garth Motherloving (Ben Stiller): Hey Marge. I'm not up on the current slang, but do the kids still say, "Get the hell out of my office."?

The Frying Game

Homer is talking to Carmen Electra's chest
Carmen Electra: Uh. Homer, my face is up here.
Homer: I've made my choice.

How I Spent My Strummer Vacation

Mick Jagger: Remember, rule number one: there are no rules! Rule number two: no outside food.

Elvis Costello: Come on. Who'd like to be a bass player?
Homer: Out of my way, Nerdlinger. grabs guitar and knocks off Elvis' glasses
Elvis Costello: My image!

Today, I am a Clown

Krusty: Are you sure that's "kosher"?
Lisa: There's nothing in the Talmud that forbids it.
Bart: How do you know all this stuff?
Lisa: I have a Jewish imaginary friend. Her name is Rachel Cohen. And she just got into Brandeis.
Rabbi Krustofski (Jackie Mason): Wonderful!

The Heartbroke Kid

Tab Spangler (Al Brooks): C'mon, let's look for your dad. And if we have time we'll look mine.

Homer: I am not too fat. I'm alive, aren't I?
Tab Spangler: Mr. Simpson, you're suffering from P.S.I. Poor Self Esteem. points to the PSI sign. That's not I. Every sign is wrong!
Homer: Oh that's terrible.
Tab Spangler: We got a long drive ahead. You wanna pull off at a motel? We'll split a room.
Homer: Where will I sleep?
Tab Spangler: We can worry about that when we're standing naked before the bed! My goodness! No wonder you eat. What are you eating now?
Homer: Cheeseburger.
Tab Spangler: You're a catastrophe! Let me have half of it.
Homer: I don't wanna.
Tab Spangler: I just want the cheese. I don't want the meat. I do want the meat!
Homer: Here's a corner.
Tab Spangler: Let me just bite it. Don't rip it! Let me have the whole thing. You'll get some later.
Homer: You're a selfish jerk.
Tab Spangler: I smelled it. It has to be eaten!
Homer: But it's my burger.
Tab Spangler: I'm driving. I'll kill us.
Homer: Fine. I'd rather die.

Kiss Kiss, Bang Bangalore

Richard Dean Anderson to Selma and Patty: You're into MacGuyver? That show was so stupid. "Oh, I'm MacGuyver! I can make a bomb out of a banana peel and a toaster!" That show was just a paycheck for me and nothing more.

Richard Dean Anderson: Watch the face! I need that for acting!

Richard Dean Anderson: Welcome home! Guess who made MacGuyver burgers? MacGuyver.
Patty: We didn't have any ground beef.
Richard Dean Anderson: Yeah, but you did have Slim Jims, a cheese grater and rubber bands to hold it all together.
Selma: We gotta get rid of this kook.

Moe'N'a Lisa

J. Jonah Jameson (JK Simmons): I need photos. Photos of Spiderman!
Assistant: This is a poetry journal.
J. Jonah Jameson: Okay, then poems about Spiderman. And I want them finished before you start. And before you start, get me some coffee.

24 Minutes

Marge: If someone did eat Bart's shorts they'd have a tummy-full of pocket garbage.

Jack Bauer (Kiefer Sutherland): Chloe, I need those schematics now.
Bart: What? Who the hell is this?
Jack: I'm Jack Bauer. Who the hell are you?
Bart: Me? I'm ... Ahmed A. Dooty.
Jack: Chloe, find out all you can about Ahmed A. Dooty. Does anyone there know Ahmed A. Dooty?
Chloe (Mary Lynn Rajskub): Ahmed A. Dooty. Wealthy Saudi financier disappeared into Afghanistan in the late 90s.
Jack: Really?
Chloe: No, Jack. It's a joke name. You're being set up.
Jack: Dammit!

He Loves to Fly and He D'ohs

Colby Kraus (Stephen Colbert): You have what made America great: no understanding of the limits of your power and a complete lack of concern for what anyone thinks of you.

I Don't Wanna Know Why the Caged Bird Sings

Dwight (Steve Buscemi): Okay, this isn't the way I planned it. But you can make it out alive as long as there's no funny stuff.
Krusty: Don't worry about me. I was voted America's Least Funny clown. Worse than Scuzzo, Scummo, Oopsie, Carlos Mencia, Stinko, Blumpy... Even worse than Sergeant Serious. How could I do worse than him? I stole all his jokes!

Funeral for a Fiend

Homer: Heh heh heh. I spit on your corpse, advertiser-supported television!

Sideshow Bob: Oh, why must I feed him straight lines!

Dr. Robert Terwilliger, Sr. (John Mahoney): East bids two hearts.
Gino: Three diamonds.
Snake: Three clubs! {he clubs them over the head}
Cecil (David Hyde Pierce): The joke's not funny and the bid's not sufficient.

E Pluribus Wiggum

Jon Stewart: Hey Krusty, I haven't seen you since you bailed on that benefit.
Krusty: Yeah, I didn't really believe in the cause.
Jon Stewart: Well Krusty's Kids sure missed you.
Krusty: Yeah, they're great. A little clingy.

Jon Stewart: I'll thank you to keep my zingers out of your mouth. I'll try to remember you the way you used to be.
Krusty: But I've always been terrible!

All About Lisa

Drew Carey: What I love about Krusty is he's always on. But to find out what, you gotta test his pee.
Homer: Pee! Ha ha ha.
Drew Carey: Seriously. Test his pee. He's a danger to the community.

Lost Verizon

Denis Leary: Can I give you some advice?
Marge: Of course! You're Denis Leary.
Denis Leary: Give your kid back the phone, but first activate its built-in GPS system. That way you can log on to your carrier's web site and track your son's movements. The way I track every actor who gets a movie that I was up for.
Marge: Shouldn't you just be happy for their success?
Denis Leary: I should be a lot of things, lady.

O Brother, Where Bart You?

Tom Smothers: Dick, you're my brother and I love you.
Dick Smothers: Well I love you too, Tom. Thank you very much. But! If you hadn't fought CBS they would never have fired us from our show.
Tom Smothers: Oh, they didn't fire us, Dick.
Dick Smothers: They didn't?
Tom Smothers: We quit.
Dick Smothers: We did not quit. They fired us.
Tom Smothers: You, you were fired. They didn't—
Dick Smothers: They fired us from the show.
Tom Smothers: No, they fired you. They didn't fire me.
Dick Smothers: Why wouldn't they fire you?
Tom Smothers: Because they can't fire The Yo-Yo Master!

Boy Meets Curl

Bob Costas: Oh my, that delivery has less juice than Sunny Delight.

Stealing First Base

Bart: Oh man you girls ruin everything. Even vampires.
Nikki (Sarah Silverman): Hey! Vampires are cool outsiders who love girls who hate cheerleaders.
Bart: No. They're all about chomping neck. And they don't put product in their hair like this loser.

Principal Skinner: So the lesson is, children—
Michelle Obama (Angela Bassett): I'll tell them what the lesson is.
Superindent Chalmers: He's our Joe Biden.
Michelle Obama (Angela Bassett): Understood.

The Greatest Story Ever D'oh'ed

Jacob: I'm pushy? Please! You stay there, surrounded by your great enemy, Canada. Try Syria for two months. Then we'll see who's pushy.

Judge Me Tender

Simon Cowell: How do you like LA?
Moe: Oh it's a hell of a city. It's like someone stepped on New York and scraped it off on a beach.
Simon Cowell: Clever. Slightly nasty. Very impressive.

Moe: Simon? Huh. Was he really here or was it just my imagination?
Simon Cowell: I'm here. My black tee shirt makes me blend into the shadows. I'm here. I'm gone. I'm here. I'm gone. I'm here. I'm gone.
Moe: I get it. I get it. That's your thing.

Ryan Seacrest: Okay. Randy, what did you think of that performance?
Randy Jackson: A'ight, a'ight. You know what? I was feeling that, dog. Happy was very cool, right? But "birth" was definitely a little pitchy. But I gotta tell you something, you worked it out on "day", man. And then when you hit that "to you"? Dude, that was the bomb. You blew out all the candles, baby.
Ryan Seacrest: If you think that answer was a "yes". Text the number at the bottom of your screen. Giant secret charges may apply.

The Fight Before Christmas

Martha Stewart: Wake up, Marge. Magical memories don't make themselves.
Marge: Martha Stewart! How did you get in here?
Martha Stewart: A picket fence, stood on its end, makes a sturdy and attractive ladder.

Martha Stewart: You boys want to play soldier?
Bart: I can't think of a better way to spend Jesus' birthday.
Milhouse: I'm not sure I like where this is going.
Martha Stewart: Well I'm not sure anyone asked your opinion. {she tapes over their mouths.}

Lisa: Ms. Stewart, I made a star for the tree out of discarded water bottles.
Martha Stewart: Lovely, dear. Except I would have soaked the labels off with warm water. Then I would have melted the plastic down in a double-boiler and poured it into a candy mold. And finally, I wouldn't have presented it quite so proudly.
Lisa: I'll go outside and make snow angels.
Martha Stewart: Lie face down, and your beautiful smile will be molded into the snow.
Lisa: Okay.

Homer the Father

Digby Sheridan: Crap. Total crap. You! Writer! What's your name?
David Mamet: Um. David Mamet.
Digby Sheridan: Well, "Mr. Mamet". Why don't you *bleep* learn how to *bleep* write a *bleep* script!
David Mamet: Hm. *bleep* I could use that.

Angry Dad: The Movie

Under a photo of Ricky Gervais
Do not allow this man to host.

Ricky Gervais: What do you think?
Not-Ridley Scott: I'm a seat filler.
Ricky Gervais: Well why didn't you say that a minute ago? Don't take any of my ideas.

A Midsummer's Nice Dream

Homer: Do I get to meet Dave?
Cheech Marin: There is no Dave.
Homer: How about Don Johnson?
Cheech: It'd be easier to meet Dave.

Homer: Can we at least get some french fries?
Cheech: Too high in trans fats.
Homer: Stop speaking Spanish.

Knock knock
Chong: Who is it?
Cheech: It's me, Dave, man. Open up. I got the stuff.
Chong: Who?
Cheech: Dave, man.
Chong: Dave's not here.
Homer: Hold on, let me get the door. Who are you?
Cheech: It's Dave, man.
Chong: You ruined it, man. You weren't supposed to open the door.
Homer: Oh! Okay, wait. Let me start again. I'll be out here with you.

The Great Simpsina

Raymondo (Martin Landau): Any idiot with a soul patch and a deck of cards thinks he's a magician.