Bart: There's only one fat guy that brings us presents and his name ain't Santa.

Bart: KWYJIBO. K-W-Y-J-I-B-O. Twenty-two points. Plus triple word score. Plus fifty points for using all my letters. Game's over, I'm outta here.
Homer: Wait a minute, you little cheater! You're not going anywhere until you tell me what a kwyjibo is.
Bart: Kwyjibo. Ah... a big dumb balding North American ape. With no chin.
Marge: And a short temper.
Homer: I'll show you a big dumb balding ape!
Bart: Uh oh, kwyjibo on the loose!

Bart: Is Mr. Freely there?
Moe: Who?
Bart: Freely. First initials I.P.

Homer: Okay, now look. My boss is going to be at this picnic so I want you to show your father some love and/or respect.
Lisa: Tough choice.
Bart: I'm picking respect.

Bart: Look everybody, I would just as soon not make a big deal out of this. I'm not saying I'm not a hero, I'm just saying that I fear for my safety.

Marge: Bart, I hope you're going straight to the principal about this.
Bart: I guess I could do that.
Homer: What?! And violate the code of the schoolyard? I'd rather Bart die.
Marge: What on earth are you talking about, Homer?
Homer: The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy to be a man. Let's see. "Don't tattle." "Always make fun of those different from you." "Never say anything unless you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do."

Bart: Artillery, commence saturation bombing! {they pelt Nelson with water balloons}

Bart: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, contrary to what you've just seen, war is neither glamorous or fun. There are no winners, only losers. There are no good wars. With the following exceptions: the American Revolution, World War II and Star Wars trilogy.

Moe: Moe's Tavern.
Bart: Hello, is Al there?
Moe: Al?
Bart: Yeah, Al. Last name Caholic.

Bart: Look in my eyes. See the conviction? See the sincerity? See the fear? As God is my witness, I can pass the fourth grade!
Homer: And if you don't, at least you'll be bigger than the other kids.

Mrs. Krabappel: What's the matter? Well I would think you'd be used to failing by now.
Bart: No, you don't understand! I really tried this time! I mean I really tried.
Mrs. Krabappel: There there.
Bart: This is as good as I can do! And I still failed!
Mrs. Krabappel: Well, a 59. It's a high F.
Bart: Who am I kidding? I really am a failure! Oh, now I know how George Washington felt when he surrendered Fort Necessity to the French in 1754.

Homer: We're proud of you, Boy.
Bart:Thanks Dad. Part of this d-minus belongs to God.

Bart: Do it again!
The House: What?
Bart: Make the walls bleed.
The House: No.
Bart: Hey man, we own you. Let's see some blood.
The House: I don't have to entertain you.
Bart: Come on, man, do it! Do the blood thing.

Bart: You throw like my sister, man!
Lisa: Yeah! You throw like me!

Dancin' Homer: Well I'm ready to punch in!
Bart: Woah. Hey. Cool, man.
Lisa: Our lives have taken an odd turn.

Bart: I can't believe it. You actually found a practical use for geometry.

Lisa: Mom, I poured my heart into that centerpiece. Things like that always happen in this family.
Bart: I noticed that too.

Bart: Twelve bucks and a free cookie. What a great country.

Devil: Remember, lie, cheat, steal and listen to heavy metal music!
Bart: Yes sir!

Marge: Oh Bart, we thought for a minute you'd gone away from us.
Bart: I did go away, Mom! I was miles and miles and miles away! Writhing in agony in the pits of Hell! And you were there, and you and you and you... {seeing Lionel Hutz} You I've never seen before.

Lisa: This is a rather shameless promotion.
Bart: Hey, it worked on me.
Lisa: Me too.

Bart: I wonder how Richie died.
Lisa: Perhaps he realized how hollow the pursuit of money is and took his own life

Marge: Did you make any money?
Bart: Not yet but I'm in a lot of pain.

Bart: Hey Martin, tell him what we do with squealers.
Martin tied up: I don't know. Is it worse than what you do to people who have to go to the bathroom?

Lisa: Excuse us, Rabbi Krustofski?
Rabbi Hyman Krustofski (Jackie Mason): Oh, what can I do for you my young friends?
Bart: We came to talk to you about your son.
Rabbi Krustofski: I have no son! {he slams the door}
Bart: Oh great. We came all this way and it's the wrong guy.
Rabbi Krustofski: I didn't mean that literally!

Bart: Rabbi, did not a great man say—and I quote, "The Jews are a swinging bunch of people. I mean, I've heard of persecution but what they went through is ridiculous. But the great thing is, after thousands of years of waiting and holding on and fighting, they finally made it." End quote.
Rabbi Krustofski: Oh, I never heard the plight of my people phrased so eloquently. Who said that? Rabbi Hillel?
Bart: No.
Rabbi Krustofski: It was Judah the Pious.
Bart: No.
Rabbi Krustofski: Maimonides.
Bart: No.
Rabbi Krustofski: Oh, I got it. The Dead Sea Scrolls!
Bart: I'm afraid not, Rabbi. It's from Yes I Can by Sammy Davis, Jr. An entertainer. Like your son.
Rabbi Krustofski: The Candy Man?

Mrs. Krabappel: Bart! Are those liquor bottles?
Bart: I brought enough for everybody.
Mrs. Krabappel: Take those to the teacher's lounge. You can have what's left at the end of the day.

Lisa: Bart, who's winning?
Bart: "You hate Dad" is up by a touchdown.

Bart: What about Groundskeeper Willie?
Mrs. Krabappel: I'm not even gonna tell you what that guy's into. Bart you are the closest thing to a man in my life. And that's so depressing I think I'm going to cry.

Mrs. Krabappel: Bart, it's such a nice day today let's have detention outside.
Bart: It's a date!

Bart: You make me sick, Homer. You're the one that told me I could do anything if I just put my mind to it.
Homer: Well now that you're a little bit older I can tell you that's a crock. No matter how good you are at something, there's always about a million people better than you.
Bart: Gotcha. Can't win, don't try.

Bart: If you don't watch the violence you'll never get desensitized to it.
Lisa: Just tell me when the scary part's over.

Bart: How would I go about creating a half-man, half-monkey type creature?
Mrs. Krabappel: I'm sorry, That would be playing God.
Bart: God shmod. I want my monkey man!

Bart: Milhouse, we're living in the age of cooties. I can't believe the risk you're running.

Lisa: This award is the biggest farce I ever saw!
Bart: What about the Emmys?
Lisa: I stand corrected.

Herb: Now I bet you're all wondering what lies under this sheet!
Bart: Not really. We peeked inside when you were in the john.

Bart: Don't we get to roast marshmallows?
Kearney: Shut up and eat your pinecone!

Lisa: I feel like I'm going to die, Bart.
Bart: We're all going to die, Lis.
Lisa: I meant soon.
Bart: So did I.

Bart: Alright, that's it. I've been scorched by Krusty before. I got a rapid heartbeat from those Krusty Brand vitamins. My Krusty Kalculator didn't have a seven or an eight. And Krusty's autobiography was self-serving, with many glaring omissions. But this time, he's gone too far!

Bart: Wow, she can fly!
Lisa: I think it's supposed to symbolize her descent into madness.

With the church doors frozen shut, Lisa starts praying.
Bart: Lisa, this is neither the time nor the place.

Bart: I'd say that the pressure's finally gotten to dad, but, what pressure?

Bart: Grampa, why don't you tell us a story. You've led an interesting life.
Grampa: That's a lie and you know it! But I have seen a lot of movies...

Bart: I've got a story so scary you'll wet your pants.
Grampa: Too late.

Mrs. Krabappel: Bart, do you mean to tell me you read a book intended for preschoolers?
Bart: Well, most of it.

Lisa: Bart! You cast the wrong spell! Zombies!
Bart: Please, Lis. They prefer to be called the living impaired.

Bart: I thought dabbling in the Black Arts would be good for a chuckle. How wrong I was.

Bart: Dad! You killed the zombie Flanders.
Homer: He was a zombie?

Marge: Well I'm sure glad we didn't turn into mindless zombies.
Bart: Sh! TV.

Lionel Hutz: Mr. Simpson, this the most blatant case of fraudulent advertising since my suit against the film The Never-Ending Story.
Bart: So you think I have a case?
Lionel Hutz: Homer, I don't use the word "hero" very often, but you are the greatest hero in American history.
Bart: Woo hoo!

Laura (Sara Gilbert): Well Bart, you were right about him.
Bart: As usual, a knife-wielding maniac has shown us the way.

Marge: I saved this newspaper from the day Lisa was born.
Lisa: "Mondale to Hart: Where's the beef?"
Bart: "Where's the beef?" What the hell's that supposed to mean?
Homer: Heh heh heh. "Where's the beef." No wonder he won Minnesota.

Mrs. Krabappel: Bart, have you ever read The Boy Who Cried Wolf?
Bart: I'm halfway through it, I swear!

Bart: Oh! My ovaries!

Bart: Can't sleep, clown will eat me. Can't sleep, clown will eat me.

Marge: But Main Street's still all cracked and broken.
Bart: Sorry, Mom, the mob has spoken.

Bart: Dad, you're a hero!
Homer: Yes son. I'm the best mono-thingy guy there ever was.

Bart: Some day I want to be an F-14 military pilot like my hero Tom. Who lent me this new weapon called a neural disruptor.
Mrs. Krabappel: He's not dead, is he, Bart?
Bart: Nah. But I wouldn't give him any homework for awhile.
Mrs. Krabappel: Very good. Thank you, Bart.
Bart: Oh don't thank me. Thank an unprecedented eight year military build-up.

Homer: Hey boy, where are you going?
Bart: Father son picnic.
Homer: Have a good time. {pause} Wait a minute.

Bart: I'll go disguised as you.
Lisa: What if he wants to hold hands?
Bart: I'm prepared to make that sacrifice.
Lisa: What if he wants a kiss?
Bart: I'm prepared to make that sacrifice.
Lisa: What if he—
Bart: You don't want to know how far I'll go.

Lisa: That's as bad as the tasteless Itchy and Sambo cartoons of the late 30s. The writers should be ashamed of themselves.
Bart: Cartoons have writers?
Lisa: Yeah. Sort of.

Lisa: Bart are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Bart: Probably not.

Homer: Hey kids, how was school?
Lisa: I learned how many drams in a penny weight.
Bart: I got expelled.
Homer: That's my boy!

Bart: Don't worry, Mom. I'll bust you out of there just as soon as I get a cocktail dress and a crowbar.

Marge: So how are things at home?
Bart: We flushed the gator down the toilet but it got stuck halfway so now we have to feed it.

Krusty: I'm a star again. I don't know how to thank you kids.
Bart: That's okay, Krusty.
Lisa: We're getting fifty percent of the t-shirt sales.
Krusty: What?! That's the sweetest plum!

Bart: What'd you do? Screw up like the Beatles and say you were bigger than Jesus?
Homer: All the time. It was the title of our second album.

Bart: Paintings. Lifeless images rendered in colorful goop. But at night, they take on a life of their own. They become portals to Hell, so scary and horrible and gruesome that—
Marge: Bart, you should warn people this episode is very frightening. Maybe they'd rather listen to that old War of the Worlds broadcast on MPR.
Bart: Yes, Mother.
Marge: Good! Now you hold Maggie. I'm going to buy earrings at the gift shop.

Devil Flanders: Hey Bart.
Bart: Hey.

Bart: Woah! That's good Squishee.

Bart: Okay. We're young, rich and full of sugar. What do we do?
Milhouse: Let's go crazy, Broadway-style!

Bart: What's done is done. I've made my bed and now I've got to weasel out of it.

Lisa: Dad, you shouldn't wear glasses that weren't prescribed for you!
Homer: Lisa, just because you're ten feet tall doesn't mean you can tell me what to do.
Bart: I'm Bart.

Bart: I know, I'll just do like Lisa and escape into fantasy. {it doesn't work} Damn TV, you've ruined my imagination! Just like you've ruined my ability to, ah...

Lisa: This biography of Bart came awfully quickly. It's not even about him!
Bart: Sure it is. Look at the cover.
Lisa: But inside it's mostly about Ross Perot, and the last two chapters are excerpts from the Oliver North trial.
Homer: Ah, Oliver North. He was just poured into that uniform.
Marge: Hm...

Bart: I never thought I'd say this, but shouldn't we be learning something?
Milhouse: Say the line, Bart!

Marge: Lisa, ordinarily I'd say you should stand up for what you believe, but you've been doing that an awful lot lately.
Bart: Yeah. You made us march in that gay rights parade.
Homer: And we can't watch FOX because they own those chemical weapon plants in Syria.

Homer: You're our last hope, boy.
Bart: I really don't want to be here, Dad! Besides, I started a fire this morning that I really should keep an eye on.

Marge: How would you like it if twenty years form now people were laughing at things you did?
Bart: Not likely.

Bart: It's weird, Lis. I miss him as a friend but I miss him even more as an enemy.
Lisa: I think you need Skinner, Bart. Everybody needs a nemesis. Sherlock Holmes had his Dr. Moriarty. Mountain Dew has its Mello Yello. Even Maggie has that baby with the one eyebrow.

Principal Skinner: One question remains: how do I get out of the army?
Bart: No problemo. Just make a pass at your commanding officer.
Principal Skinner: Done and done. And I mean done.

Marge: Bart, are all these children friends of yours?
Bart: Friends and well-wishers, yes.

Flanders: I wish there was some other explanation for this, but there isn't. I'm a murderer. I'm a murderer!
Bart: Then that's not the real Ned Flanders.
Flanders: I'm a murder-diddly-urdler!
Bart: If that's not Flanders, he's done his homework.

Bart: He's gonna kill Rod and Todd, too. That's horrible! {pause} In principle.

Bart: Oh my god! The dead have risen and they're voting Republican!

Willie thinking: Go easy on the wee one. His father's gonna go crazy and chop 'em all into haggis.
Bart: What's haggis?
Willie: You read my thoughts. You've got the shinning!
Bart: You mean "shining."
Willie: Shh! You want to get sued?

Bart: That's no fair, Nelson. They didn't have the Kill-matic 3000 back then.
Nelson: Hey! Records from that era are spotty at best.

Mrs. Lovejoy: I didn't know rocket sled was an Olympic event.
Bart: Well no offense, lady, but what you don't know could fill a warehouse.

Bart: Jessica, I don't think we should hang out anymore. You're turning me into a criminal when all I want to be is a petty thug.

Lisa: Sorry, Dad. We do believe in you, we really do.
Bart: It's just hard not to listen to TV. It's spent so much more time raising us than you have.
Homer: Maybe TV is right. TV's always right.

Skinner: Because you have impeded science you must now aid science. Yes. Starting tomorrow you will assist me with my amateur astronomy. Taking down coordinates, carrying equipment and so forth. Four-thirty in the morning.
Bart: There's a four-thirty in the morning now?

Bart: What's really amazing is that this is exactly what Dad said would happen.
Lisa: Yeah, Dad was right.
Homer: I know, kids. I'm scared too.

Bart: Hey guys, just so you don't hear any wild rumors, I'm being indicted for fraud in Australia.
Homer: Phpt. That's no reason to block the TV.

Homer: Oh boy, this is the life. Boy, next summer can you commit some sort of fraud in Orlando, Florida?
Bart: I'm way ahead of you, Dad.

Bart: Look Boris, I think Ballet is for sissies.
Madame: Ballet is for the strong, the fierce, the determined! But for the Sissies? Never! Now. Put on this fuschiatard. You are a fairy.

Madame: Is something wrong, Mr Simpson?
Bart: I don't like wearing tights. ma'am.
Madame: But so many of your heroes wear tights. Batman for example... And... Magellan.

Bart: Oh please. This is senseless destruction with none of my usual social commentary.

Bart: Me and Santa's Little Helper used to be a team. But he never wants to play anymore since his bitch moved in.
Marge: Bart! Don't ever say that word again!
Bart: Well that's what she is. I looked it up.
Marge: Well I'm going to write the dictionary people and have that checked.

Bart: Uh. I think I got your lunch. {he holds up a "I am very proud of you." note}
Lisa: Oh yeah. I didn't think this was for me. {"Be good. For the love of God, please be good."}

Marge: This is a Springfield Isotopes hat. When you wear it, you're wearing Springfield. When you eat a fish from our river, you're eating Springfield. When you make lemonade from our trees, you're drinking Springfield!
Bart: Mom, when you give that lecture, you're boring Springfield.

Lisa: Everyone in Springfield had a reason to shoot Mr. Burns. Even us. Bart, he broke your dog's leg. Grampa, he destroyed your home. And Dad, well, you kinda went a little berserk when he couldn't remember your name.
Bart: Aren't we forgetting someone? Sister Suspect?
Lisa: I was just getting to me. Because of Mr. Burns they cancelled my Jazz program and my friend Tito Fuente got fired.

Bart: George Burns was right. Show business is a hideous bitch goddess.
Lisa: Cheer up, Bart. Milhouse is still gonna need a true friend. Someone to tell him he's great, someone to rub lotion on him. Someone he can hurl whiskey bottles at when he's feeling low.

Bart: Come on, Milhouse. There's no such thing as a soul. It's just something they made up to scare kids. Like the boogeyman or Michael Jackson.

Bart: There you go. One soul.
Milhouse: Pleasure doing business with you.
Bart: Any time, chummmmmmm... p.

Lisa: Pablo Neruda said, "Laughter is the language of the soul."
Bart: I am familiar with the works of Pablo Neruda.

Marge: It feels almost feels like you're missing something. Something important.
Bart: Like I didn't have a soul?
Marge: Oh honey, you're not a monster.

Bart: singing You don't win friends with salad! You don't win friends with salad!

Bart: Wait a minute, if you're here then you've fallen asleep too!
Lisa: I'm not asleep. I'm just resting my eye— Uh oh.
Bart: Goodbye, Bart!
Lisa: Goodbye, Lis. I hope you get reincarnated as someone who can stay awake for fifteen minutes.

Homer: Well it's my house so it's my spot.
Bart: Nuh unh, 'cause we called it.
Homer: Did not.
Lisa: Well we're calling it now.
Homer: You are?
Bart: 'Fraid so.
Homer: Oh! They got me with their legal mumbo jumbo.

Marge: Bart, what happened?
Bart: Well we hit a little snag when the universe sort of collapsed on itself. But Dad seemed cautiously optimistic.
Homer: Crap!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lisa: Hey, I thought Krusty was Jewish.
Bart: Christmas is a time when people of all religions come together to worship Jesus Christ.

Marge: Those games cost up to and including seventy dollars. And they're violent and they distract you from your schoolwork.
Bart: Those are all good points. The problem is they don't result in me getting the game.

Bart: Mom! My slingshot doesn't fit in these pockets. And these shorts leave nothing to the imagination. These uniforms suck.
Marge: Bart! Where do you pick up words like that?
Homer on the phone: Yeah, Moe. That team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked. I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked.
Marge: Homer! Watch your mouth.
Homer to Moe: I gotta go. My damn wiener kids are listening.
Lisa: We are not wieners!
Homer: Then what are you dressed like that for?

Lisa: Dad, what's a muppet?
Homer: Well, it's not quite a mop, and it's not quite a puppet, but man... {laughs, then pauses}. So, to answer you question, I don't know.
Bart: Why did they make that one muppet out of leather?
Marge: That's not a puppet, that's Troy McClure.

Bart: Grampa! I don't mind when you spit at home, but I have to work with these people.

Bart: Hey Mr. Burns, can I go with you to get the treasure? I won't eat much and I don't know the difference between right and wrong.

Homer: So I realized that being with my family is more important than being cool.
Bart: Dad, what you just said was powerfully uncool.
Homer: You know what the song says: "It's hip to be square."
Lisa: That song is so lame.
Homer: So lame that it's... cool?
Bart and Lisa: No.
Marge: Am I cool, kids?
Bart and Lisa: No.
Marge: Good. I'm glad. And that's what makes me cool—not caring, right?
Bart and Lisa: No.
Marge: Well, how the hell do you be cool? I feel like we've tried everything here.
Homer: Wait, Marge. Maybe if you're truly cool, you don't need to be told you're cool.
Bart: Well, sure you do.
Lisa: How else would you know?

Teacher: So, you never learned cursive?
Bart: Well I know hell and damn and bi—
Teacher: Cursive handwriting. Script. Do you know multiplication tables? Long division?
Bart: I know of them.

Homer: Geez. Look at this place. We gotta do something.
Bart: Hm. Garbage angels?

Bart: Are you having a party or something?
Belle: Non-stop. We're a burlesque house.

Belle: When you work the door, the main things are to greet the visitors and toss out the troublemakers.
Bart: Ah! The old Greet 'n' Toss. No problemo.

Bart: If there's a bad bookkeeping joke, I haven't heard it.

Rod Flanders: I don't like this clown.
Bart: I wouldn't take that down if I were you. It's a load-bearing poster.

Bart: Leonard Nimoy? What are you doing here?
Leonard Nimoy: Wherever there is mystery and the unexplained, cosmic forces shall draw me near.
Bart: Uh huh.
Hot Dog Vendor: Hey Spock, what do you want on your hot dog?
Leonard Nimoy: Surprise me.

Bart: No refunds! Force majeure! Read the back of your ticket!

Bart: Dad, why'd you bring me to a gay steel mill?
Homer: I don't know! This is a nightmare! You're all sick!
Worker: Oh be nice!

Reverend Lovejoy: Friday you will have the chance to party down in the church basement to the decent rock stylings of Testament.
Bart: Phpt! All the best bands are affiliated with Satan.

Lisa: Hey, it was all a coincidence.
Bart: Yep. There's your answer, Fish Bulb.
Homer: Well it was a good ride while it lasted. Come on kids, let's go home.
Bart: We are home.
Homer: That was fast.

Frank Grimes: If you lived in any other country in the world you would have starved to death long ago.
Bart: He's got you there, Dad.

Bart: Yo! Paella Man! Wing one up here!

Homer: Son, you can do anything you want. I have total faith in you.
Bart: Since when?
Homer: Since your mother yelled at me.

Lisa: Well I know you don't want to disappoint Dad, but how do you feel about lying to him?
Bart: Good.

Lisa: Can I ask you about your dot?
Mrs. Nahasapeemapetilon: What would you like to know?
Lisa: What's the deal with that dot?
Bart: Yeah, can you see out of it? Does it change colors when you're ticked off?
Mrs. Nahasapeemapetilon: You tell me.
Bart: Nothing yet.

Mrs. Nahasapeemapetilon: Surely you children are aware of your Brahman heritage.
Bart: As long as you have absolutely no follow-up questions, yes. Yes, we are.
Lisa: Fully.

Marge: I've been looking over this list of things for the ceremony. I've got the extra wine glasses, but I'm still short a Tandoori oven, an elephant and four castrati.
Bart: What's a castrati?
Marge: I don't know, but I'm sure it's spicy.

Bart: Wow! I wish I had an elephant.
Lisa: You did. His name was Stampy. You loved him.
Bart: Oh yeah.

Bart: Why are we getting dressed up, Mom? Are we going to Black Angus?
Marge: Well, you might say we're going to the best steak house in the universe.
Bart: So we're not going to Black Angus.

After Homer turns on the Christmas lights.
Bart: It's craptacular.

Bart: There's gotta be a way out of this. Lisa, chop off my hands!
Lisa: No! Then who'll chop off my hands?

Skinner: Okay, Libya: exports.
Bart: Yes sir, you American pig!
Skinner: Nice touch.

Bart: What's everyone's problem? I'm glad we're stranded. It'll be just like the Swiss Family Robinson. Only with more cursing. We're gonna live like kings. Damn hell ass kings!

Bart: I must find him not guilty.
Milhouse: All right!
Martin: But he ate our food!
Lisa: The law has spoken.
Nelson: Ah, sucks to the law.
Lisa: Stop! Leave Milhouse alone. Help me out here, Bart.
Bart: I don't know, Lis. To be honest that verdict made me pretty angry.

Bart: Why do I need church shoes for? Jesus wore sandals.
Homer: Well maybe if he had better arch support they wouldn't have caught him.

Bart: Excuse me, I'm looking for someone named Jay Leno.
Jay Leno: Somebody wanna get this kid a TV?
Bart: Woah. Gee, thanks Mister.

Bart: Wait a minute. So this means I'm going to be a failure?
Homer: Yes son. A spectacular failure.

Bart: Come on, Ralph, your dad's a cop. There must be some cool stuff around here. Bullets, dead body photos, what-have-you.
Ralph: He keeps that stuff in his closet, but he says I'm not allowed in there.
Bart: Did he say I'm not allowed in there?
Ralph: Yes.

Bart: Hey come on! I thought we were friends.
Jimbo: Yeah, well, I hope the irony's not lost on you, Simpson.

Marge: That's what I call break neck speed!
Bart: Mom, a man just died.

Bart: I pick my dad.
Nelson: Him?
Bart: You'd be surprised. He gets pretty competitive when he's been drinking.

Lisa: One: they don't have beaks. Two: they don't have feathers. And three: they're lizards!
Bart: You're a lizard!

Lisa: Oh, Bart! That's plutonium. It's highly unstable.
Bart: Don't you ever get tired of being wrong?

Bart: Lis, we're characters in a cartoon!
Lisa: How humiliating.

Bart: There's only one man who can settle an argument this bizarre.

Bart: Mom, can we go Catholic so we get Communion wafers and booze?
Marge: No! No one's going Catholic. Three children is enough, thank you.

Bart: I think I read somewhere that cows like being killed.

Lisa: But it's not fair. Adults always blame kids for everything.
Homer: Well if kids are so innocent why is every bad named after them? "Acting childish." "Kidnapping." "Child abuse."
Bart: What about adultery?
Homer: Not until you're older, son.

Announcer: The start of television's second most exciting season—mid-season!—is just two hundred exciting seconds away.
Homer: Car?
Marge: Locked.
Homer: Phone?
Lisa: Unplugged.
Homer: Dog? Cat?
Bart: Taped and corked.
Homer: Perfect.

Bart: I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows.

Bart: Are you sure this is art, not vandalism?
Homer: That's for the courts to decide, son.

Senior Woman: What a lovely ending!
Bart: They cut out the best word!
Hans Moleman: Didn't that movie used to have a war in it?
Orderly: Come on! You've been warned.

Bart: Well, I'm flunking math and the other day I was a little attracted to Milhouse.

Homer: Hey, you know I once knew a man from Nantucket.
Bart: And?
Homer: Let's just say the stories about him are greatly exaggerated.

Bart: Goodbye Japan! I'll missing your Kentucky Fried Chicken and your sparkling whale-free seas.

Homer: Hey! I had Lenny's name on that.
Bart: They have it now.
Lisa: Who are "they" exactly?
Bart: Who else? Major League Baseball.

Mark McGwire: Young Bart here was right. We are spying on you pretty much around the clock.
Bart: But why, Mr. McGwire?
Mark McGwire: Do you want to know the terrifying truth or do you want to see me sock a few dingers!
Townsfolk: Dingers! Dingers!

Lisa: We've gotta go to the police!
Bart: They'll never believe a Simpson killed a Flanders by accident. Even I have my doubts.

Lisa: Bart just let me drop and save yourself!
Bart: What do you think I've ben trying to do!

Bart: Wow! Thanks for saving us.
Lucy Lawless: No problem. Now let's get you kids home.
Lucy flies, carrying Bart and Lisa.
Lisa: Wait a minute, Xena can't fly.
Lucy Lawless: I told you, I'm not Xena. I'm Lucy Lawless.

Zorro: I am Zorro. I have come to return King Arthur to the throne.
Bart: It's a history lesson come to live.
Lisa: No it isn't! It's totally inaccurate.
Bart: Quiet. Here come the ninjas.

Homer: Man, the last nine months sure were crazy.
Bart: I'll say. I learned the true meaning of Columbus Day.
Marge: I enjoyed a brief but memorable stint as Sideshow Marge.
Lisa: I became the most popular girl in school. But blew it by being conceited.
Bart: And then I learned the true meaning of winter.

Bart: You know what our homework is? Find a toy and bring it to class.
Marge: Boy, that sounds fun.
Bart: I know! But I'm still not gonna do it.

Lisa: Instead of giving us an education they tricked us into designing a toy. Aren't you outraged?
Bart: No. But if you're gonna throw a spaz I'll come with.
Lisa: Good. Saddle up the bikes.

Lisa: You people took advantage of trusting school children!
Jim Hope (Tim Robbins): How did you get past Gary Coleman?
Bart: Let's just say he's a few prawns short of a galaxy.

Bart: How'd you really get the bucket off my dad's head?
Brother Faith: Well I didn't son. You did. God gave you the power.
Bart: Really? Hm. I would think he would want to limit my power.

Bart: Devil be gone!
Ralph Wiggum: My milk money! And my milk.

Bart: Who are those pleasant old men?
Homer: It's BTO. They're Canada's answer to EOP. Their big hit was TCB. That's how we talked in the 70s. We didn't have a moment to spare!

Bart: You're watching PBS?
Homer: Hey, I'm as surprised as you.

Rev. Lovejoy: I suggested missionary work and he jumped at the idea.
Marge: Missionary work?
Bart: He's dead, isn't he?

Rupert Murdoch picking up phone: Hello, Murdoch here. [...] ten thousand dollars? You've saved my network!
Bart: Wouldn't be the first time.

Bart: Hey! An Indian casino.
Homer: God bless Native America.

So. You like to sneak into casinos.
Bart: I wasn't going to gamble. I just wanted a Bloody Mary.

Bart: Way to make a guitar, Sears.

Marge: We're not giving you money.
Bart: Oh! But I want some.

Bart: You changed, Lisa. You used to be cool.
Lisa: No I didn't.

Bart: What happened to you, China? You used to be cool.
Chinese Ambassador: Hey, China still cool!

Homer: I lost my job as an oaf today.
Marge: What? Oh why are the oafs the first to go?
Bart: Maybe you could be a dunce, Father.

Lisa: You know, she's only fattening you up so she can eat you.
Bart: Eh. What are you going to do?
Lisa: You could at least stop basting yourself.

Homer: Nice wiring, Bart.
Bart: It worked on the test corpse.

Lisa: You can't post that on the internet. You don't even know if it's true.
Homer: Nelson has never steered me wrong, honey. Nelson is gold.
Bart: You know, it might have been Jimbo.
Homer: Beautiful! We have confirmation.

Homer: So she was made of chimps.
Bart: Man, magic can do anything.

Bart: Wow! It's approved by the Royal Magic College of Hyderabad.
Lisa scoffing: That's a party magic college.

Principal Skinner: Bart, if there's one thing I'm good at, it's pretending things didn't happened. And I think this is one of those.
Bart: One of which?
Principal Skinner: Exactly.
Bart: No, seriously. I wasn't listening.

Homer: What on Earth are you doing?
Lisa: Practicing tennis.
Homer: That's tennis? Oh! What's the one where the chicks wail on each other?
Bart: Foxy boxing?

Bart: Think he's going to do something dangerous?
Nelson: How should I know. Just keep loading missiles.

Bart: Ice cream in church? I'm intrigued, yet suspicious.
Lisa: Wow! Look at all these flavors. Blessed Virgin Berry, Commandmint. Bible Gum.
Reverend Lovejoy: Or if you'd prefer, we also have Unitarian ice cream.
Lisa: There's nothing here.
Reverend Lovejoy: Exactly.

Bart: You haven't seen the real Homer. It's all burping and neglect.
Milhouse: I think we know your dad a little bit better than you do, Bart.

Mrs. Krabappel to Bart: Lisa's casting spells at an eighth grade level. You've sinned against nature.

Bart: Prank be undone! Destroy the evil one! {it zaps him} Not me!

Lisa: What're you doing?
Bart: Diggin'.
Lisa: Why?
Bart: Make a hole.
Lisa: A hole for what?
Bart: More diggin'.
Lisa: Okay then.

Marge: Oh... He's leaving her with five babies.
Bart: She already ate three.
Marge: Hm. That's sensible.

Bart: Why would Duff Beer put out a book?
Lisa: It was originally put out to solve arguments in taverns.
Bart: She said "tavern." I'm going to Moe's.
Lisa: I never agreed to that rule!

Bart: Why don't you try to set a record, Dad?
Homer: That's a great idea! Do you think I could run a mile in three-and-a-half minutes?
Bart: Only on Mars.
Homer: The Simpsons are going to Mars!

Bart: Cool! Mom's on drugs. If we turn her in we can get a form letter from Dick Cheney.

Bart: Lis, women are easy. State capitols are hard.

Lisa: And that's the greatest thing ever written.
Bart: Are you crazy? I can't believe a play where everybody gets murdered could be so boring.
Homer: Son. It's not only a great play. But also became a great movie. Called Ghostbusters.

Homer: Homer, what are you going to do?
Bart: Crazy scheme, crazy scheme, scheme.
Homer: Get me tools and beer.
Bart: Yes!

Bart: Dad, I though you didn't like her saxophone.
Homer: I didn't, but now Daddy's special medicine—(raises voice menacingly) which you must never use because it will ruin your life—lets Daddy see and hear magical things you will never experience. EVER!

Bart: I'm just going to hang out in this vent. Does this thing suck or blow? {the vent fires up} Suck!

Homer: Shut up, boy.
Bart: I don't get a song? Mom got a song!
Homer: With the economy the way it is, you're lucky you get soup.

Bart: Mutt and Jeff comics are not funny. They're gay! I get it!

Lisa and Bart: Augh! Sideshow Bob!
Sideshow Bob: Oh come now. We've been through so much together. Just call me Bob.
Lisa and Bart: Augh! Bob!

Bart: Dad! I can't believe you're putting my life at risk to save your own.
Homer: You'll understand one day when you have kids.

Krusty: I can even tell the FCC to take a hike. Look at this list of words they won't let me say on the air.
Bart: Aw. All the goods ones. I've never heard of number nine.
Krusty: It's doing thirteen while she's elevening your five.
Bart: Can I keep this?
Krusty: Sure. No twelve off my ass.

Bart: At last, the planes are flying where they belong.
Homer: That's right. Over the homes of poor people.

Bart: All that's left for me is to become the biggest drunk this town's ever seen.
Homer: Talkin' won't get you there.

Milhouse: You're gonna depreciate a mafia don's car?
Bart: Hey, we're all gonna be murdered some day.

Milhouse: Do you think bugs feel pain?
Bart: If they don't, I've wasted a lot of my life.

Bart: These losers are out of peanut butter.
Milhouse: I know how to make some. Peanuts... butter.... Now we just put the top on.
Bart: Hey, I didn't get where I am putting tops on things.

Homer: I never knew you were such a Beatles fan.
Ned: Of course I am. They were bigger than Jesus. But your boy went Yoko and broke up my collection.
Bart: Hey, boys will be boys.
Marge: I am so tired of that tautology.

Bart: Hey! Some jerks cleaned our field.
Nelson: It's awful. It looks like Wisconsin.

Bart: Please don't take me! Take Milhouse. We all know there's no happy ending there.
Death: Your time is up.
Homer killing Death: This is for Snowball I and JFK!

Bart: Do you realize what this means?
Milhouse: Yeah... But... you say it first.

Lisa: Krusty, what's wrong?
Krusty: I just found out I'm not Jewish. I was turned down by all those country clubs for nothing.
Bart: Well you're still my hero.
Krusty: So what. Everything's changed. I thought I was a self-hating Jew. But it turns out I'm just a plain old anti-semite.

Krusty: Are you sure that's "kosher"?
Lisa: There's nothing in the Talmud that forbids it.
Bart: How do you know all this stuff?
Lisa: I have a Jewish imaginary friend. Her name is Rachel Cohen. And she just got into Brandeis.
Rabbi Krustofski (Jackie Mason): Wonderful!

Bart: Dad. You blew it. You listened to Lisa and then you lost your stranglehold on the audience.
Homer: I'll audience you!

Bart: Please. Make me write something on the chalkboard a thousand times.
Mrs. Krabappel: We all got tired of that chalkboard years ago.

Lisa: If Dad ever reads that book he's gonna be so humiliated!
Bart: He'll never read it.
Lisa: What if they make it into a movie?
Bart: He'll never see it.
Lisa: What if they parody it on "MadTV"?
Bart: We're doomed!

Ralph Wiggum: Eighteen, nineteen, twenty... I found you!
Bart: Ralph, we're playing checkers.
Ralph Wiggum: I don't like you, Boy Mommy.

Lisa: There's spiders in your hair!
Bart: That's what you call commitment to a bit.

Lisa reading: The mound builders worshiped turtles as well as badgers, snakes and other animals.
Bart: Thank god we've come to our senses and worship a carpenter that died 2,000 years ago.

Homer: Boy are you in trouble.
Bart: What are you talking about?
Homer: When a woman says nothing's wrong, that means everything's wrong. And when a woman says everything's wrong, that means everything's wrong. And when a woman says something's not funny, you'd better not laugh your ass off.

Bart: This prank is my Sgt. Pepper's.

Bart: Ah cartoons. America's only native art form. I don't count jazz 'cause it sucks.

Marge: Shame on you two creeps!
Bart: It's your fault for giving birth to my archenemy.
Lisa: At least I was planned!
Marge: Stop it! No one was planned.

Homer: Son, seeing sappy movies with a lady has certain payoffs.
Bart: Like what? They'll do something with you that they hate?
Homer: Exactly.

Marge: Bart, stop fooling with the remote!
Bart: Lisa made me with a witches spell.
Lisa: It's called Wicca and it's empowering.
Bart: Wicca's a Hollywood fad.
Lisa: That's Kaballah, jerk!

Marge about Bart: That boy failed show-and-tell but he's on our ass like Sherlock Holmes.

Bart: What do those women expect? When you sign a contract with FOX you know you're going to be betrayed and humiliated.

Bart: Uh oh. Girls. You guys need your cooties shots. {he punches them in the arm}
Milhouse: Well I hate this job, but I love the health plan.

Bart: This is it. They're selling us for crash test dummies.
Lisa: Oh please let it be Volvo.

Bart: Am I the only one here who's in horrible pain?
Homer: You're the only one who won't shut up about it!

Lisa: Mr. Flanders, why are you moving?
Flanders: Because I had a vision of myself shooting your father.
Bart: In this neighborhood, who hasn't.

Bart: The Tooth Fairy's made a donation in my name to the United Way. That gossamer witch!

Lisa: Just what we need. Another lame suburban kid who loves rap.
Bart: So? You like the Blues.
Lisa: Yes, but the Blues are unpopular.

Marge: Rap music belongs in the rubbish bin. It encourages punching, boastfulness and rudeness to hos.
Bart: Step off, Mom. Rap is the poetry of the street.
Marge: Well you are not going to any concert that propagates street talk.

Bart: Jeepers, it's 50 Cent!
50 Cent: Yo, B. I heard you throw down on stage. Wanna join my world tour?
Bart: Sorry, 50. I have school tomorrow.
50 Cent: You're right. The more you know, the further you go. And that's one to grow on. {to his assistant} Does that count as community service?
Assistant: No.
50 Cent: A'ight, take me to the park. We'll pick up dog poop.

Lisa: Oh Bart. I missed your lies. And I was kind of a pill, I guess.
Bart: Oh Lisa. You just poked my feelings. I'm sorry.

Bart: Budget-O's?
Marge: That's right. It's much less expensive than the leading clown-based cereal. You just have to assemble it yourself.

Bart: Yeah, well you love Moleman.
Lisa: No you do. You're gay for Moleman!
Bart: You're gay for Moleman!
Moleman: No one's gay for Moleman.

Bart: Listen, Lis, I gotta tell you something. I'm going to Yale.
Lisa: What?! I don't want to go to the same college as you.
Bart: Then I got some great news! You're not going to Yale.

Bart: My heart, it hurts so much. Like it's caught in a vise!
Homer: Oh ho ho. My little boy's in love.
Lisa: I think he's having a heart attack.

Bart: I've learned that even made-up corporate shills can lie to you.

Bart: I feel like something crawled inside me a took a crap.
Marge: Bart, don't use that word. I— Crap.

Marge: What language is this? Gibby Gabby?
Bart: It's Albanian. But the producers added subtitles to make it "commercial".
Lisa: Mom! I don't wanna read. It's the weekend! {he pulls his shirt over his head}

Bart: I know what we can ask Jeeves. Why does he suck.

Sister: In the old days, we'd use a ruler to deal with incorrigibles like you.
Bart: Thanks for the history lesson, Sister.
Sister: These days, we use a yard stick!
Bart: I'll show you! I'll move thirty-three inches away.
Sister: A yard's thirty-six!
Bart: Oh. Now you tell me.

Bart: Stupid Catholic school. Suffering for my hip attitude. I'm the real Jesus here.
Father Sean (Liam Neeson): So it's sacrilege you're spouting now.
Bart: What's it to ya, Irish?

Marge: Bart I'm glad you had fun, but I wouldn't get too into that Catholic church. With all the sitting and standing and kneeling. It's like Simon Says without a winner.
Bart: Mom! That's blasphemy! I'll say the Rosary for you.
Marge: Don't you touch bead one!

Bart: Don't have a cow, man. Don't have a cow, man. Don't have a cow, man. Have a piece of fish! Oy!

Bart: Don't worry, Dad. I'm saving one for you. I'll just leave it here in the dog's mouth.
Homer: No! Bart! That's a really bad storage area!

Bart: Those TV writers are geniuses.
Milhouse: Whatever they're paid, it's not enough.

Lisa: If you don't tell Mom what you did, I will.
Bart: Oh come on. wouldn't it be easier if our parents divorced and you compensated by marrying much older men. Meanwhile I'll be one of those weird guys who's thirty-five and shows up at high school basketball games.

Bart: Eat my shorts!
David: I will comply.

Robot: Tell me, young man, what is it like to have feelings?
Bart: I said I'm human, not a girl.

Bart: No fair! Dad gets to shoot wild animals. But I kill one bird and I have to go to a psychiatrist.
Marge: Mm. He still thinks that hobo was a bird.

Lisa: They're tearing down the pier!
Bart: But what will junkies do drugs under?
Homer: They'll bounce back, son. They're a strong people.

Bart: Cool. I'm a street.

Bart: Thank you, Satan!

Bart: Dad, if you take me to Vegas I'll teach you how to cheat at blackjack.
Homer: Boy, you don't need to cheat when you've got a system.
Bart: What's your system?
Homer: I don't tell your mother how much I've lost.

Pilot: Welcome to Atlanta. Please keep your seatbelt fastened until we have come to a complete stop.
Bart: Nobody tells Bart Simpson what to do! {unfastens seat belt}
Pilot: Thanks a lot, 38C. Now we all have to go back to Minneapolis. And I'm very tired.

Bart: Where's the old carefree Homer that likes to cut loose?
Homer: You mean Fun Homer? I'm afraid Serious Homer has him locked up 'til you're at your snooty torture camp.

Marge: Sweetie, if someone's bullying you, you should tell your teacher.
Bart: But it's the teacher who's bullying me.
Marge: Well tell your regular bully. He won't like it one bit.

Bart: No one with a choice should ever have to be a girl. I'll teach you how to be a boy.
Lisa: You would do that for me? That is so sweet.
Bart: You're a boy. Nothing is sweet. {kicks Lisa in the leg}.
Lisa: Ow! That hurt.
Bart: Sweet.

Bart: Dad, isn't it wrong to open and/or eat other people's mail?
Homer: Son, all our mail has ever brought me is bad news. Bills, jury duty, Entertainment Weekly...

Bart: So according to Creationism, there were no cavemen.
Homer: Good riddance! Their drawings suck and they look like hippies.

Bart: Look at me! I'm Otto! I'm a hundred years old and I drive a school bus.

Bart: So how did Malt Liquor Mommy die?
Marge: Stop calling her that!
Lenny: I'll tell you how she died. You know that sign that says, "Do not stand up on the roller coaster"?
Bart: Yeah.
Lenny: She overdosed right in front of it.
Marge: Low class all the way.
Homer: Marge, could you let it go? You won. She's dead.

Bart: I was a great drummer, and now I'm nothing! Just like Phil Collins.

Bart: Krusty, what's that monster?
Krusty: It's the Golem of Prague. Legendary defender of the Jewish people. Like Alan Dershowitz, but with a conscience.

Bart: Can't you read my writing? I didn't say "kick Homer's walls."

Lisa: Bart, did your mystical Jewish monster beat up those bullies?
Bart: Oh, it's always the Jews fault!

Bart: Woah. Even the Army has Humvees now.

Bart about Nelson's party: Mom, I can't go. No one else is.
Marge: Well if no one else jumped off the Empire State building, would you not jump?
Bart: Kind of?

Nelson: Make sure your affairs are in order.
Bart: I've set up a trust. It bypasses the inheritance tax.
Nelson: Only until 2008. Look into it!

Bart: Wow! Gil's a big shot.
Homer: And to think he and I once shared a shower.

Lisa: Slow down! You're too close to that car. Your hands should be at ten and two, not three and nothing.
Bart: You know, it'd be a real shame if someone started investigating your Indian heritage.

Darcy (Natalie Portman): Wow. You really are ten. I thought you were just kinda stupid.
Bart: I'm ten and stupid.

Darcy: I wanted you to marry me so my baby would have a dad. I'm very religious that way.
Bart: How religious can you be if you're pregnant? {she slaps him} Good answer.

Homer: Hey, for old times sake, do you want to drive me around while I sing public domain songs out the window?
Bart: You got it!

The Simpsons visit Barnacle Bay:
Lisa: This is the most disgusting place we've ever gone.
Bart: What about Brazil?
Lisa: After Brazil.

Bart: Do you think I'm telling people not to have a cow because deep down I want them to have a cow?

Marge: Bart, this is all we can afford for now. If it doesn't work maybe when you're an adult you can pay some lady to make you happy for an hour.
Bart: You know, I think I will.

Homer: Our kids used to be so cute.
Bart: Used to?!
Homer: Oh deal with it.

Marge: What are you kids doing up so late?
Lisa: It's seven am.
Marge: I was on the computer all night!
Bart: Actually, it's Saturday.
Marge: I played a day and a night!
Lisa: Bart, it's not Saturday.
Bart: Sh!

Bart: Jumpin' Johnnycakes. Those dames are cheesed.
Homer: Son, I'll never understand women if I live to be forty.
Bart: Big "if".
Homer: You said it. Enjoy me while I last.

Wagon Wheel Maker: Wagon wheels were the internet of the nineteenth century!
Bart: Really?
Wagon Wheel Maker: No.

Bart: Oh man. It's like some chemicals cut one.

Jack: Chloe, I need those schematics now.
Bart: What? Who is this?
Jack: I'm Jack Bauer. Who the hell are you?
Bart: Me? Uh. I'm ... Ahmed A. Dooty.
Jack: Chloe, find out all you can about Ahmed A. Dooty. Does anyone there know Ahmed A. Dooty?
Chloe: Ahmed A. Dooty. Wealthy Saudi financier disappeared into Afghanistan in the late 90s.
Jack: Really?
Chloe: No, Jack. It's a joke name. You're being set up.
Jack: Dammit!

Nelson getting beaten by Bart: I'm unclear on what you want!

Bart: Lisa, are you on a secure line?
Lisa: I am. But you're on a Bluetooth cellphone, the most vulnerable device known to man.
Bart: But it looks so cool!

Bart: Dad, you were great!
Lisa: And you contributed to our culture.
Homer: I didn't mean to.
Lisa: No no, it's a good thing.
Homer: Oh good. This makes up for me showing up drunk to the father-daughter dance.
Lisa: The dance isn't until next week.
Homer: Sorry, Lisa. You can't change the future.

Bart: We can say these swears anytime we want because they're in the Bible.
Milhouse: I don't think Leviticus is a swear.
Bart: Shut the hell up, you damn ass whore!
Marge: Bart?
Bart: Uh oh {hides Bible}
Marge: I'm starting to worry about your father.
Bart: Well I know he seems to get dumber every year but lately he's plateaued.

Marge: You have to be there. You miss way too many precious moments in the children's lives.
Homer: What? Name twelve.
Bart: Well, just this week there's been field day, pick me up from airport—
Lisa: And the father-daughter dance!

Bart: You killed them!
Kodos: Well done Columbo! That's right, we watch Columbo. It's on during rainouts of Gleep Glop games.

Bart: Trick or Treat isn't just some phrase you chant mindlessly like The Lord's Prayer. It's an oral contract.
Nelson: You're right. We've forgotten the old ways.

Bart: He died as he lived. As a dork!
Flanders: No! The lesson here is he's being punished for thinking women are beautiful!

Kirk: Attention everyone. Luann and I have some big news.
Bart: Is it that you're brother and sister? Because you really look a lot alike.

Bart: Why do all your bedtime stories have commercials in them for the Container Store?
Homer: Because if I do it enough maybe they'll start to pay me.

Bart: Milhouse has gone from being a comic figure to a tragic one.

Lisa: And Ralph is only eight years old. It says in the Constitution you have to be 35.
Bart: The Constitution? I'm pretty sure the Patriot Act killed it to ensure our freedoms.

Bart: Whatcha doin', mom? Going crazy?

Bart: Hey, I didn't know this park was here.
Lisa: You wrote a report on it last week.
Bart: The internet wrote it. I just handed it in.

Lisa: Give me an Indian burn.
Bart: But—
Lisa: Don't make me say "Indian" again.

Homer: C'mon Bart, all the nerds are doing it.
Bart: I'm not a nerd. I'm a jock who's too cool for sports.

Homer: Son, while your mother and little mother are out I'm going to let you in on a deep dark family secret.
Bart: You got a drinking problem?
Homer: I said "secret".

Homer: Have you ever wondered what I do in that locked room?
Bart: Gay out?
Homer: Well wonder no more!
Bart: Beef jerky? The queen of all the jerkys!

Bart: So Dean Martin would show up at the last minute and do everything in just one take?
Homer: That's right.
Bart: But Wikipedia said he was passionate about rehearsal!
Homer: Don't you worry about Wikipedia. We'll change it when we get home. {menacingly} We'll change a lot of things.

Bart: Mom, they're going to kill Lou and make him into food and fringe vests for gay cowboys!

Bart: "Anguished Animals III"? That wasn't my conscience mooing! That was... Tress MacNeille!

Homer: What could be greater than eating and drinking for hours in a drizzling parking lot.
Lisa: Anything.
Bart: No, everything is better.

Bart: Lisa, your movie exposed our crappy side to the world. I knew you were lame, but I never imagined you were bogus.

Lisa: BART. San Francisco People Mover!
Bart: Speaking of San Francisco People Movers...

Bart: Stupid angry mob, chasing me because I shine a harsh light on modern society. Now I know how Dane Cook feels.

Marge: How about a family outing?
Bart: A family outing? I'll start. Lisa's gay!

Bart: Excuse me, I just heard that before Spider-man was a movie, it was a comic book. Could that be possible?

Bart: Maybe Mrs. K would be nicer if we "Irish up" her coffee.
Nelson: Put blood in it?
Bart: No. Booze!

Bart: Bookstores don't have answers. They just have creepy guys sitting in easy chairs at the end of aisleways.
Moe: I ain't paid for Doris Kearns Goodwin in my life and I ain't gonna start now. Oh, that's some good Doris right there.
Milhouse: You're right. I guess no one's ever written a book about how to help a middle-aged woman turn her life around.

Bart: Look Mrs. K. I'm a Simpson. And a Simpson never gives up until he tries at least one easy thing.

Bart: Hey Lis. I don't know when we'll be in a septagon again. Wanna settle this bad blood that's been going on between us since you were born?
Lisa: You're on.

Bart: If I say criss cross one more time will that change your mind?
Lisa: Listen, you're a persistent fellow, but I—
Bart: Criss cross!
Lisa: I'm in.

Lisa: You should have seen the look on Krabappel's face.
Bart: You should have seen the look on Hoover's face. In fact, here it is!
Lisa: You killed her?
Bart: Right! Like we agreed.
Lisa: I never said "kill"!
Bart: Yeah, 'cause you're smart. You don't say "kill". You say "prank". Like mom and dad say "snuggle" when what they really mean is "let's lock the door and hug."
Lisa: Well I didn't kill Mrs. Krabappel.
Bart: So all you did was ring her doorbell and run?
Lisa: Yeah! Ding dong ditch!
Bart: "Ding dong ditch" means you kill her! Then you throw that ding dong into a ditch. Geez. Pick up a book.

Skinner: I'll grill your cheese yet, boy. You weren't the first prankster to destroy the car I rent from Mother and you won't be the last.
Bart: Rent?
Skinner: Rent to own.

Bart: Something happened. Something that changed Skinner and you!
Groundskeeper Willie: I haven't changed. I've always been Swim Teacher Willie. And I always will be!

Andy Hamilton: Potato chip?
Bart: Hm. Wait a minute. Are there spring snakes in this can?
Andy Hamilton: No no no no no. Give me credit. It's a real snake.

Lisa: This Andy sounds like kind of a loser.
Bart: How could someone so much like me be a loser?

Bart: Dad! Lisa's making me see things from both sides again!
Homer: Lisa, I warned you about that.

Bart: No no no. You're too young to be a witch. Savor the steps leading up to it. College anorexic, string of bad marriages, career disappointments, failed pottery shop. And then when you're old and alone you can hit the witch thing hard.

Marge: Look how the snow glistens on the tiniest branches!
Bart: Yeah yeah. Miracles are all around us.

Bart: Alright, I'll watch a DVD. There's no way that runs on electrictity. {Marge groans} Really? Does Obama know about this?

Bart: Oh my god, I want a brother!
Lisa: You can have mine, but he's kind of an idiot.

Bart: Dad, I want a baby brother.
Homer: Son, I love you kids. But I'm only going to the hospital one more time in my life and I ain't coming out.

Homer: And I don't have to tell girls how their bodies work because I don't know.
Bart: You never told me how my body works.
Homer: Point and shoot.

Charlie: I'm your new baby brother!
Bart: Are you from the orphanage? Or do I really not understand how babies are born?

Lisa: Bart, I'm losing my grip.
Bart: Put the rope in your teeth.
Lisa: What will that do?
Bart: It'll shut you up.

Bart: Can I just ask, who the hell says "po-tah-to"?
Homer: Songwriters that are stuck.

Willie: Well done, boy!
Bart: Wait. Here comes the mykia.
Willie: What's a mykia? {the stump falls on Skinner's car}
Skinner: My Kia!

Marge: Then again, there's only one way to get an accurate reading. Bart. Pants!
Lisa: Just close your eyes and think of Milhouse.
Marge: Yep. One-oh-three on the dot. You're staying home.
Lisa: How did you— ?
Bart: I don't want to talk about it.

Lisa: Congratulations. You're officially a sociopath.
Bart: Hey, at least I'm on a path.

Bart: Damn, this caterpillar can eat!

Bart: Oh man you girls ruin everything. Even vampires.
Nikki (Sarah Silverman): Hey! Vampires are cool outsiders who love girls who hate cheerleaders.
Bart: No. They're all about chomping neck. And they don't put product in their hair like this loser.

Bart: This is awesome! If only real life was in 3D.

Lisa: Dad, are you okay?
Homer: I am more than okay! I am the Messiah, come to save the world! Look upon me and shudder.
Bart: I already do that.

Bart: I hate being stuck at home.
Marge: Play with Lisa!
Bart: Mom you don't play with Lisa. You play despite her.

Marge: Bart Simpson, are you a druggo?
Bart: What? No! Not until you raise my allowance.

Bart: Blond guys aren't dumb. They're evil. Like in Karate Kid or World War II.

Homer: Hey boy, whatcha doing?
Bart: Experimenting with my butt.
Homer: Heh heh heh. My little Einstein.

Homer: No fair. We just went to church.
Bart: Yeah, so we've already heard stories from thousands of years ago about stuff that didn't happen.

Bart: But without a coach, we can't play!
Marge: Homie, maybe you could do it.
Homer: Sorry Marge. Last time I stepped on a baseball field I got tazed.
Marge: You know, some day these kids will be out of the house and you'll regret not spending more time with them.
Homer: That's a problem for Future Dad. Man, I don't envy that guy.

Lisa: Hot streaks are a statistical illusion!
Bart: I wish you were a statistical illusion.
Lisa: Well there's a ninety-seven percent chance that I'm not, so do what I say.

Bart: Hey, I've never seen this one before.
Milhouse: "Satan's Path"?
Bart: Hey, it's gotta be good if Satan put his name on it. Here. I'll be the demon, you be the thimble.
Milhouse: Oh! I'm always the thimble.

Bart: There comes a time to beat the crap out of childish things.

Bart: A kid at school's going to beat me up.
Marge: Is it Milhouse?
Bart: Milhouse couldn't beat me up.
Marge: Are you sure? He's having a growth spurt.
Bart: It's not Milhouse!
Marge: Is it a girl?
Bart: It's Nelson!
Marge: Hm. I never figured him for the bully type. Well if he's got you cornered and Milhouse isn't there to help you, there's only one way out. Make him feel good about himself.
Bart: How do I do that?
Marge: I don't know. Compliment his glasses.
Bart: It's not Milhouse!

Bart: Look, I know you're cool now, but my dad hates you more than celery and my mom said no new pets. So I'm hiding you in my room.

Bart: Just what is it in my long, sad history with frogs makes you think I can take care of a bird?

Bart: Wow, Ray. You have hidden talents.
Homer: Is he good at tic-tac-toe like that chicken I played, lost to and ate at the State Fair?

Bart: Listen here, Kringle, I may have been naughty this year. But by today's standards, naughty's nothing. I didn't get anybody pregnant, I didn't Facebook a kid to death. Make with my dirt bike!
Santa Krusty: Kid, this company's bust. For years I've been giving out toys and getting cookies in return. It's not a sustainable business model.

Martha Stewart: You boys want to play soldier?
Bart: I can't think of a better way to spend Jesus' birthday.
Milhouse: I'm not sure I like where this is going.
Martha Stewart: Well I'm not sure anyone asked your opinion. {she tapes over their mouths.}

Bart: ...And absolutely no Brazilian hardwood.
Fifth Grader: Is this a rumble or a Harvest dance?
Bart: Okay, you want hardwood?
Fifth Grader: No no!
Bart: Then let's do this thing.

Bart: Ah, such an innocent time. Before cooties ravaged our community.

Bart: Woah, you don't look like a mom. You look happy.

Marge: Maybe we could get back together.
Bart: Awesome! I'll get the white wine.
Marge: You can't buy white wine.
Bart: Why not? Are you having red meat?

Bart: All right, Comic Book Guy. Tell me my origin story.

Bart: What am I doing here, Seymour? The thing I'm planning hasn't even gone off yet. {Willie falls into a pit}. That wasn't me and you're my alibi.

Bart: I think I just met the thing I'm gonna die on.

Homer: When you get anything you want, you don't want anything you get.
Bart: What is this crap? Are you wearing a wire?

Bart: Does he give you money for getting good grades?
Lisa: I've been doing the family's books for years. I take what I need.

Bart: That's Angry Dad! The semi-autobiographical web cartoon I created!
Homer: I legally forced him to say "semi."

Bart: My stupid cartoon? A movie? Thank you!
Herman Milgood: Oh, don't thank me. Thank Hollywood for being completely out of good ideas.
Homer: My little Roman Polanski.
Marge: Homer!
Homer: What? What's wrong with being Polanski? {she whispers in his ear} He what?! You monster!

Bart: Who the hell are Cheech and Chong?
Homer: Bart! Cheech and Chong were the Beavis and Butthead of their day.
Bart: Who are Beavis and Butthead?
Homer: I've failed as a parent. I swore the day my son was born he would appreciate stoner comedy. To the media room!

Bart: How now mad spirits! / Before we part
’Tis I! Mischievous and puckish Bart
Twas not I the players did disturb
Twas the doings of a green naughty herb
The gods have righted every wrong
Cheech the Stoner has his Chong
And Homer, he is back with Mom
You can watch us tomorrow at hulu.com

Homer: Come on, party pooper. Bust a move!
Bart: Meh. This song's a little bossy for me.

Bart: You couldn't get into Random House if your name was Bennet Cerf the Third.

Bart: Dad, the cake!
Lisa: Dad, our lives!
Homer: Fine.

Bart: Maybe this key will be the key to putting the "key" in anarchy.

Lisa: So the answer to our mystery lies on the other side of that ice bridge.
Bart: It's summertime. The ice bridge will be a water nothing.

Bart: If fairytales have taught us one thing it's that first wives are perfect and second wives are horrible.
Homer: Just the opposite of real life.

Bart: Remember every thing they say and tell us later in rattle code. {she shakes her rattle} What do you mean no?!

Chalmers: Now I'm sure you know who these guys are.
Bart: Dollar bill guy. Five dollar bill guy. Sex guy. Will Farrell. Black guy.
Chalmers: Bart, what if I told you there was a president who was an actual cowboy?
Bart: I'd act like I'm interested. But inside I'd be bored.
Chalmers: That's as good a place to start as any.

Bart: You've filled my head with horse poop and atheism! And all these years I thought I was unteachable.
Chalmers: Let's stop talking now.

Lisa: I went through my TR phase in first grade. Now I realize that the greatest Roosevelt is Franklin.
Bart: Balderdash. Teddy Roosevelt protected America's wildlife.
Lisa: Yeah. So he could shoot it himself! Franklin Roosevelt lead his country through the Depression and World War II. Face on a dime!
Bart: Face on a mountain!
Grampa: I hated the Roosevelts and all them family dynasties. The Kennedys, the Bushes, John Voigt and Angelina Jolie, Mayor Daly and his smart-ass son, The Daily Show.
Lisa: That's a lot of anger, Grampa.
Grampa: Well I like Stephen Colbert. But that's because I don't get the joke.

Bart: Sir, of all the books and movies about Teddy Roosevelt, which would you say is the most informative?
Chalmers: No question. Night at the Museum.
Bart: One or two?
Chalmers: Take your pick, you can't go wrong.

Marge: I take your sugary sweets and I give you healthy items. Plain brown toothbrushes, unflavored dental floss, and fun-sized mouthwashes. TSA-approved.
Bart: This is exactly why kids need a union.

Kamala: And now let us touch testicles and mate for life.
Bart: Don't you mean tentacles?
Kamala: I know what I said.

Bart: Traitor! How dare you betray the planet I got laid on.

Lisa: Halloween is over. Which means, America, it's time to start your Christmas shopping. Infuse our stagnate economy with dollars we don't really have.
Bart: And whatever you do, avoid the urge to make homemade gifts.
Marge: Knitting one sweater for someone costs twenty-seven Americans their jobs.
Moe: And don't forget, Christmas is a wonderful time to take up Alcoholism. Come on, you see your family all year 'round. The holidays are for your bartender.

Lisa: Isn't that awfully similar to the cootie patch you did last year?
Bart: That was preventitive. This is morning after.

Homer: This Saturday, from the day who brought you cemetary paintball and go-karts on real roads, comes the greatest activity yet!
Lisa and Bart: Video game convention!

Lisa: People are loving our list of Springfield's top ninety-nine Afghan restaurants.
Bart: I feel bad for all those places that didn't make the cut.

Announcer: So remember: take good care of the Earth. Or we could suffer the same fate as the dinosaurs.
Marge: Oo, kids, did you hear that lesson?
Bart: How is that a lesson? The point of the dinosaurs is, no matter what we do, an asteroid's going to wipe us out. So we should party hard and wreck the place.
Homer: Yeah. Why should the asteroid have all the fun?

Bart: Whatever the job is, I'm not interested.
Homer: A million bucks has changed stupider minds than yours.
Bart: I like the beat. Play me the tune.
Homer: We're taking down kids who read.
Bart: Chapter book crowd. That's a juicy peach. But what's the cream?
Homer: I'm putting together a tween lit gang write.
Bart: Tween lit gang write?
Homer: Tween lit gang write. But this Babar needs a Zephyr.
Bart: A Zephyr?
Homer: You're the Zephyr.
Bart: This better not turn out like Kansas City.
Homer: It won't be like Kansas City.

Bart: Okay, Gaiman. You're in. Your job is to get lunch. And lose the British accent.
Neil Gaiman: Cheeseburgers! French fries! I'm all over that, pal.

Neil Gaiman: I'm so proud of us.
Bart: Oh, you didn't write any of it.
Neil Gaiman: That tuna didn't salad itself.

Exec: Good evening, gentlemen.
Bart: Kansas City.
Homer: Kansas City.

Bart: I'll get one of those jobs where you don't need to read. Like French fry maker or general.
Lisa: Well you're getting my help.
Bart: Forget it.
Lisa: Don't you want to be able to read the things people carve into your chest in prison?
Bart: I guess.

Annie Dubinsky: Would you played a bloated corpse on CSI?
Homer: Would I!
Annie Dubinsky: Wow, that's good bloat work.
Bart: He always comes back really religious.

Marge: So what was everyone's favorite thing at the museum?
Lisa: I liked the knowledgeable docents.
Bart: I liked the early closing time.

Bart: Who cares what we look like in whatever stupid year this is.
Marge: You'll understand one day when you have kids of your own.
Lisa: Um. Who said we're gonna have kids of our own?
Bart: Not me, man. This cycle of jerks has to end.

Bart: Maybe it's the court-mandated sincerity chip in my brain, but Lis, you're the person I always wanted to be.

Bart: What gives? He's not crawling back.
Lisa: Even a kid who wears a Finding Nemo back brace has some pride.

Bart: From now on I'll dominate you in ways you don't realize.
Milhouse: That's all I ever wanted.

Bart: You're into cigars now?
Nelson: It's a Twix.

Homer: Hey baby, banned forever doesn't mean you can't go back sometime.
Bart: Yes it does.

Visiting Swapper Joe’s
Homer: Man, oh man. Look at this place. Finally, a supermarket with a clear premise: island something.
Bart: It's like going to Hawaii without the murderous locals.

Homer: Get in that cage right now!
Bart: No way, man. I'm a free range kid.

Bart: Man, you're the talkiest bullies I ever met.

Milhouse: Bart, say yes! At the opening I can wear a sportsjacket with a tee shirt and jeans.
Bart: First, I'm not sure you have the shoulders for it.

Bart: I can't believe you got all your friends in trouble and you got the day off.
Homer: Hey, it's called karma.
Bart: Isn't karma where if you do something bad, bad things happen to you?
Homer: Heh heh heh. A common misconception. {he catches a fish} Suck it, karma! Yeah! I'm talking to you, karma. Karma's a bitch, karma!