Bart: KWYJIBO. K-W-Y-J-I-B-O. Twenty-two points. Plus triple word score. Plus fifty points for using all my letters. Game's over, I'm outta here.
Homer: Wait a minute, you little cheater! You're not going anywhere until you tell me what a kwyjibo is.
Bart: Kwyjibo. Ah... a big dumb balding North American ape. With no chin.
Marge: And a short temper.
Homer: I'll show you a big dumb balding ape!
Bart: Uh oh, kwyjibo on the loose!

Bart: Is Mr. Freely there?
Moe: Who?
Bart: Freely. First initials I.P.

Homer: Okay, now look. My boss is going to be at this picnic so I want you to show your father some love and/or respect.
Lisa: Tough choice.
Bart: I'm picking respect.

Devil: Remember, lie, cheat, steal and listen to heavy metal music!
Bart: Yes sir!

Marge: Oh Bart, we thought for a minute you'd gone away from us.
Bart: I did go away, Mom! I was miles and miles and miles away! Writhing in agony in the pits of Hell! And you were there, and you and you and you... {seeing Lionel Hutz} You I've never seen before.

Bart: How would I go about creating a half-man, half-monkey type creature?
Mrs. Krabappel: I'm sorry, That would be playing God.
Bart: God shmod. I want my monkey man!

Bart: Milhouse, we're living in the age of cooties. I can't believe the risk you're running.

Lisa: I feel like I'm going to die, Bart.
Bart: We're all going to die, Lis.
Lisa: I meant soon.
Bart: So did I.

Bart: Alright, that's it. I've been scorched by Krusty before. I got a rapid heartbeat from those Krusty Brand vitamins. My Krusty Kalculator didn't have a seven or an eight. And Krusty's autobiography was self-serving, with many glaring omissions. But this time, he's gone too far!

With the church doors frozen, shut, Lisa starts praying.
Bart: Lisa, this is neither the time nor the place.

Marge: I saved this newspaper from the day Lisa was born.
Lisa: "Mondale to Hart: Where's the beef?"
Bart: "Where's the beef?" What the hell's that supposed to mean?
Homer: Heh heh heh. "Where's the beef." No wonder he won Minnesota.

Mrs. Krabappel: Bart, have you ever read The Boy Who Cried Wolf?
Bart: I'm halfway through it, I swear!

Bart: Oh! My ovaries!

Bart: Can't sleep, clown will eat me. Can't sleep, clown will eat me.

Lisa: That's as bad as the tasteless Itchy and Sambo cartoons of the late 30s. The writers should be ashamed of themselves.
Bart: Cartoons have writers?
Lisa: Yeah. Sort of.

Lisa: Bart are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Bart: Probably not.

Krusty: I'm a star again. I don't know how to thank you kids.
Bart: That's okay, Krusty.
Lisa: We're getting fifty percent of the t-shirt sales.
Krusty: What?! That's the sweetest plum!

Bart: What'd you do? Screw up like the Beatles and say you were bigger than Jesus?
Homer: All the time. It was the title of our second album.

Bart: Okay. We're young, rich and full of sugar. What do we do?
Milhouse: Let's go crazy Broadway-style!

Lisa: Dad, you shouldn't wear glasses that weren't prescribed for you!
Homer: Lisa, just because you're ten feet tall doesn't mean you can tell me what to do.
Bart: I'm Bart.

Bart: That's no fair, Nelson. They didn't have the Kill-matic 3000 back then.
Nelson: Hey! Records from that era are spotty at best.

Mrs. Lovejoy: I didn't know rocket sled was an Olympic event.
Bart: Well no offense, lady, but what you don't know could fill a warehouse.

Bart: Jessica, I don't think we should hang out anymore. You're turning me into a criminal when all I want to be is a petty thug.

Bart: Hey guys, just so you don't hear any wild rumors, I'm being indicted for fraud in Australia.
Homer: Pfft. That's no reason to block the TV.

Bart: Look Boris, I think Ballet is for sissies.
Madame: Ballet is for the strong the fierce the determined! BUT FOR THE Sissies! Never! Now! Put on this fuschiatard. You are a fairy.

Madame: Is something wrong, Mr Simpson?
Bart: I don't like wearing tights. ma'am.
Madame: But so many of your heroes wear tights. Batman for example... And... Magellan.

Bart: Oh please. This is senseless destruction with none of my usual social commentary.

Bart: Me and Santa's Little Helper used to be a team. But he never wants to play anymore since his bitch moved in.
Marge: Bart! Don't ever say that word again!
Bart: Well that's what she is. I looked it up.
Marge: Well I'm going to write the dictionary people and have that checked.

Bart to applause: Thank you. It's all in the delivery. "Now is the winter of our discontent."
Ralph: Oh no! Run!

Bart: George Burns was right. Show business is a hideous bitch goddess.
Lisa: Cheer up, Bart. Milhouse is still gonna need a true friend. Someone to tell him he's great, someone to rub lotion on him. Someone he can hurl whiskey bottles at when he's feeling low.

Milhouse: Pleasure doing business with you.
Bart: Any time, chummmmmmm... p.

Lisa: Pablo Neruda said, "Laughter is the language of the soul."
Bart: I am familiar with the works of Pablo Neruda.

Bart: singing You don't win friends with salad! You don't win friends with salad!

Bart: Dad, what's a muppet?
Homer: Well, it's not quite a mop, not quite a puppet, but man... laughs, then pauses. So, to answer you question, I don't know.

Homer: So I realized that being with my family is more important than being cool.
Bart: Dad, what you just said was powerfully uncool.
Homer: You know what the song says: "It's hip to be square."
Lisa: That song is so lame.
Homer: So lame that it's... cool?
Bart and Lisa: No.
Marge: Am I cool, kids?
Bart and Lisa: No.
Marge: Good. I'm glad. And that's what makes me cool—not caring, right?
Bart and Lisa: No.
Marge: Well, how the hell do you be cool? I feel like we've tried everything here.
Homer: Wait, Marge. Maybe if you're truly cool, you don't need to be told you're cool.
Bart: Well, sure you do.
Lisa: How else would you know?

Bart: Leonard Nimoy? What are you doing here?
Leonard Nimoy: Wherever there is mystery and the unexplained, cosmic forces shall draw me near.
Bart: Uh huh.
Hot Dog Vendor: Hey Spock, what do you want on your hot dog?
Leonard Nimoy: Surprise me.

Bart: Dad, why'd you bring me to a gay steel mill?
Homer: I don't know! This is a nightmare! You're all sick!
Worker: Oh be nice!

Reverend Lovejoy: Friday you will have the chance to party down in the church basement to the decent rock stylings of Testament.
Bart: Phpt! All the best bands are affiliated with Satan.

Frank Grimes: If you lived in any other country in the world you would have starved to death long ago.
Bart: He's got you there, Dad.

Lisa: Can I ask you about your dot?
Mrs. Nahasapeemapetilon: What would you like to know?
Lisa: What's the deal with that dot?
Bart: Yeah, can you see out of it? Does it change colors when you're ticked off?
Mrs. Nahasapeemapetilon: You tell me.
Bart: Nothing yet.

Mrs. Nahasapeemapetilon: Surely you children are aware of your Brahmin heritage.
Bart: As long as you have absolutely no follow-up questions, yes. Yes, we are.
Lisa: Fully.

Bart: What's a castrati?
Marge: I don't know, but I'm sure it's spicy.

Bart: Wow! I wish I had an elephant.
Lisa: You did. His name was Stampy. You loved him.
Bart: Oh yeah.

After Homer turns on the Christmas lights.
Bart: It's craptacular.

Bart: I think I read somewhere that cows like being killed.

Bart: I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows.

Bart: Are you sure this is art, not vandalism?
Homer: That's for the courts to decide, son.

Bart: Well, I'm flunking math and the other day I was a little attracted to Milhouse.

Bart: How'd you really get the bucket off my dad's head?
Brother Faith: Well I didn't son. You did. God gave you the power.
Bart: Really? Hm. I would think he would want to limit my power.

Bart: Devil be gone!
Ralph Wiggum: My milk money! And my milk.

Rupert Murdoch picking up phone: Hello, Murdoch here... 10,000 dollars? You've saved my network!
Bart: Wouldn't be the first time.

Homer: What on Earth are you doing?
Lisa: Practicing tennis.
Homer: That's tennis? Oh! What's the one where the chicks wail on each other?
Bart: Foxy boxing?

Bart: Why would Duff Beer put out a book?
Lisa: It was originally put out to solve arguments in taverns.
Homer: She said "tavern." I'm going to Moe's.
Marge: I never agreed to that rule!

Homer: Shut up, boy.
Bart: I don't get a song? Mom got a song!
Homer: With the economy the way it is, you're lucky you get soup.

Lisa and Bart: Augh! It's Sideshow Bob!
Sideshow Bob: Oh Bart, we've been through so much together. Just call me Bob.
Lisa and Bart: Augh! It's Bob!

Bart: Please make me write something on the chalkboard a thousand times.
Mrs. Krabappel: We got tired of that blackboard thing years ago.

Bart: Dad. You blew it. You listened to Lisa and then you lost your stranglehold on the audience.
Homer: I'll audience you!

Lisa: If Dad ever reads that book he's gonna be so humiliated!
Bart: He'll never read it.
Lisa: What if they make it into a movie?
Bart: He'll never see it.
Lisa: What if they parody it on "MadTV"?
Bart: We're doomed!

Ralph Wiggum: Eighteen, nineteen, twenty... I found you!
Bart: Ralph, we're playing checkers.
Ralph Wiggum: I don't like you, Boy Mommy.

Lisa: There's spiders in your hair!
Bart: That's what you call commitment to a bit.

Lisa reading: The mound builders worshiped turtles as well as badgers, snakes and other animals.
Bart: Thank god we've come to our senses and worship a carpenter that died 2,000 years ago.

Marge: Shame on you two creeps!
Bart: It's your fault for giving birth to my archenemy.
Lisa: At least I was planned!
Marge: Stop it! No one was planned.

Homer: Son, seeing sappy movies with a lady has certain payoffs.
Bart: Like what? They'll do something with you that they hate?
Homer: Exactly.

Marge: Bart, stop fooling with the remote!
Bart: Lisa made me with a witches spell.
Lisa: It's called Wicca and it's empowering.
Bart: Wicca's a Hollywood fad.
Lisa: That's Kaballah, jerk!

Bart: What do those women expect? When you sign a contract with FOX you're going to be used and humiliated.

Bart: The Tooth Fairy's made a donation in my name to the United Way. That gossamer witch!

Lisa: If you don't tell mom what you did, I will.
Bart: Oh c'mon. Wouldn't it be easier if our parents divorced and you compensated by marrying much older men? Meanwhile, I'll be one of those weird guys who's 35 and shows up at high school basketball games.

Marge: What language is this? Gibby Gabby?
Bart: It's Albanian. But the producers added subtitles to make it "commercial".
Lisa: Mom! I don't wanna read. It's the weekend! {he pulls his shirt over his head}

Bart: I know what we can ask Jeeves. Why does he suck.

Lisa: They're tearing down the pier.
Bart: But what will junkies do drugs under?
Homer: They'll bounce back, son. They're a strong people.

Bart about the tea house: Mom, this is great. It makes our real house look like a pile of crap.

Marge: Sweetie, if someone's bullying you, you should tell your teacher.
Bart: But it's the teacher who's bullying me.
Marge: Well tell your regular bully. He won't like it one bit.

Bart: No one with a choice should ever have to be a girl. I'll teach you how to be a boy.
Lisa: You would do that for me? That is so sweet.
Bart: You're a boy. Nothing is sweet. kicks Lisa in the leg.
Lisa: Ow! That hurt.
Bart: Sweet.

Bart: Dad, isn't it wrong to open and/or eat other people's mail?
Homer: Son, all our mail has ever brought me is bad news. Bills, jury duty, Entertainment Weekly...

Pilot: Welcome to Atlanta. Please keep your seatbelt fastened until we have come to a complete stop.
Bart: Nobody tells Bart Simpson what to do! unfastens seat belt
Pilot: Thanks a lot, 38C. Now we have to go back to Minneapolis. And I am very tired.

Bart: Look at me! I'm Otto! I'm a hundred years old and I drive a school bus.

Bart: I was a great drummer, and now I'm nothing! Just like Phil Collins.

Bart: Woah. Even the army has Humvees now.

Bart about Nelson's party: Mom, I can't go. No one else is.
Marge: Well if no one else jumped off the Empire State building, would you not jump?
Bart: Kind of?

Nelson: Make sure your affairs are in order.
Bart: I've set up a trust. It bypasses the inheritance tax.
Nelson: Only until 2008. Look into it!

The Simpsons visit Barnacle Bay:
Lisa: This is the most disgusting place we've ever gone.
Bart: What about Brazil?
Lisa: After Brazil.

Bart: Do you think I'm telling people not to have a cow because deep down I want them to have a cow?

Marge: Bart, this is all we can afford for now. If it doesn't work maybe when you're an adult you can pay some lady to make you happy for an hour.
Bart: You know, I think I will.

Jack: Chloe, I need those schematics now.
Bart: What? Who the hell is this?
Jack: I'm Jack Bauer. Who the hell are you?
Bart: Me? I'm ... Ahmed A. Dooty.
Jack: Chloe, find out all you can about Ahmed A. Dooty. Does anyone there know Ahmed A. Dooty?
Chloe: Ahmed A. Dooty. Wealthy Saudi financier disappeared into Afghanistan in the late 90s.
Jack: Really?
Chloe: No, Jack. It's a joke name. You're being set up.
Jack: Dammit!

Bart: We can say these swears anytime we want because they're in the Bible.
Milhouse: I don't think Leviticus is a swear.
Bart: Shut the hell up, you damn ass whore!
Marge: Bart?
Bart: Uh oh (hides Bible)
Marge: I'm starting to worry about your father.
Bart: Well I know he seems to get dumber every year but lately he's plateaued.

Kirk: Attention everyone. Luann and I have some big news.
Bart: Is it that you're brother and sister? Because you really look a lot alike.

Bart: Milhouse has gone from being a comic figure to a tragic one.

Lisa: And Ralph is only eight years old. It says in the Constitution you have to be 35.
Bart: The Constitution? I'm pretty sure the Patriot Act killed it to ensure our freedoms.

Bart: Whatcha doin', mom? Going crazy?

Bart: Hey, I didn't know this park was here.
Lisa: You wrote a report on it last week.
Bart: The internet wrote it. I just handed it in.

Homer: C'mon Bart, all the nerds are doing it.
Bart: I'm not a nerd. I'm a jock who's too cool for sports.

Homer: Son, while your mother and little sister are out I'm going to let you in on a deep dark family secret.
Bart: You have a drinking problem?
Homer: I said "secret". Have you ever wondered what I do in that locked room?
Bart: Gay out?
Homer: Well wonder no more!
Bart: Beef jerky? The queen of all the jerkys!

Bart: So Dean Martin would show up at the last minute and do everything in just one take?
Homer: That's right.
Bart: But Wikipedia said he was passionate about rehearsal!
Homer: Don't you worry about Wikipedia. We'll change it when we get home. menacingly We'll change a lot of things.

Bart: Mom, they're going to kill Lou and make him into food and fringe vests for gay cowboys!

Bart: "Anguished Animals III"? That wasn't my conscience mooing! That was... Tress MacNeille!

Homer: What could be greater than eating and drinking for hours in a drizzling parking lot.
Lisa: Anything.
Bart: Everything.

Bart: I knew you were lame, but I never imagined you were bogus.

Lisa: BART. San Francisco People Mover!
Bart: Speaking of San Francisco People Movers...

Bart: Stupid angry mob, chasing me because I shine a harsh light on modern society. Now I know how Dane Cook feels.

Marge: How about a family outing?
Bart: A family outing? I'll start. Lisa's gay!

Bart: Bookstores don't have answers. They just have creepy guys sitting in easy chairs at the end of aisleways.

Bart: Look Mrs. K. I'm a Simpson. And a Simpson never gives up until he tries at least one easy thing.

Bart: Oh my god, I want a brother!
Lisa: You can have mine, but he's kind of an idiot.

Lisa: Bart, I'm losing my grip.
Bart: Put the rope in your teeth.
Lisa: What will that do?
Bart: It'll shut you up.

Bart: Can I just ask, who the hell says "po-tah-to"?
Homer: Songwriters that are stuck.

Marge: Then again, there's only one way to get an accurate reading. Bart. Pants!
Lisa: Just close your eyes and think of Milhouse.
Marge: Yep. One-oh-three on the dot. You're staying home.
Lisa: How did you— ?
Bart: I don't want to talk about it.

Lisa: Congratulations. You're officially a sociopath.
Bart: Hey, at least I'm on a path.

Bart: Damn, this caterpillar can eat!

Bart: Oh man you girls ruin everything. Even vampires.
Nikki (Sarah Silverman): Hey! Vampires are cool outsiders who love girls who hate cheerleaders.
Bart: No. They're all about chomping neck. And they don't put product in their hair like this loser.

Bart: This is awesome! If only real life was in 3D.

Lisa: Dad, are you okay?
Homer: I am more than okay! I am the Messiah, come to save the world! Look upon me and shudder.
Bart: I already do that.

Bart: I hate being stuck at home.
Marge: Play with Lisa!
Bart: Mom you don't play with Lisa. You play despite her.

Homer: Hey boy, whatcha doing?
Bart: Experimenting with my butt.
Homer: My little Einstein.

Homer: No fair. We just went to church.
Bart: Yeah, so we've already heard stories from thousands of years ago about stuff that didn't happen.

Bart: A kid at school's going to beat me up.
Marge: Is it Milhouse?
Bart: Milhouse couldn't beat me up.
Marge: Are you sure? He's having a growth spurt.
Bart: It's not Milhouse!
Marge: Is it a girl?
Bart: It's Nelson!
Marge: Hm. I never figured him for the bully type. Well if he's got you cornered and Milhouse isn't there to help you, there's only one way out. Make him feel good about himself.
Bart: How do I do that?
Marge: I don't know. Compliment his glasses.
Bart: It's not Milhouse!

Bart: Look, I know you're cool now, but my dad hates you more than celery and my mom said no new pets. So I'm hiding you in my room.
Burns: Oatmeal accept premise.

Bart dreaming: Bowl-full of jelly, pump lead in his belly.

Bart: Listen here, Kringle, I may have been naughty this year. But by today's standards, naughty's nothing. I didn't get anybody pregnant, I didn't Facebook a kid to death. Make with my dirt bike!

Martha Stewart: You boys want to play soldier?
Bart: I can't think of a better way to spend Jesus' birthday.
Milhouse: I'm not sure I like where this is going.
Martha Stewart: Well I'm not sure anyone asked your opinion. {she tapes over their mouths.}

Bart: ...And absolutely no Brazilian hardwood.
Fifth Grader: Is this a rumble or a Harvest dance?
Bart: Okay, you want hardwood?
Fifth Grader: No no!
Bart: Then let's do this thing.

Bart: Are you sure none of you guys gave me this?
Kearney: I'm going through my bully logbook here, but I just don't see it.
Jimbo: Don't be afraid to use your glasses.

Bart: Ah, such an innocent time. Before cooties ravaged our community.

Bart: Woah, you don't look like a mom. You look happy.

Marge: Maybe we could get back together.
Bart: Awesome! I'll get the white wine.
Marge: You can't buy white wine.
Bart: Why not? Are you having red meat?

Bart: All right, Comic Book Guy. Tell me my origin story.

Bart: What am I doing here, Seymour? The thing I'm planning hasn't even gone off yet. {Willie falls into a pit}. That wasn't me and you're my alibi.

Bart: That's Angry Dad! The semi-autobiographical web cartoon I created!
Homer: I legally forced him to say "semi."

Bart: Who the hell are Cheech and Chong?
Homer: Bart! Cheech and Chong were the Beavis and Butthead of their day.
Bart: Who are Beavis and Butthead?
Homer: I've failed as a parent. I swore the day my son was born he would appreciate stoner comedy. To the media room!

Bart: How now mad spirits! / Before we part
’Tis I! Mischievous and puckish Bart
Twas not I the players did disturb
Twas the doings of a green naughty herb
The gods have righted every wrong
Cheech the Stoner has his Chong
And Homer, he is back with Mom
You can watch us tomorrow at hulu.com

Homer: Come on, party pooper. Bust a move!
Bart: Nah. This song's a little bossy for me.

Bart: Dad, the cake!
Lisa: Dad, our lives!
Homer: Fine.

Bart: Maybe this key will be the key to putting the "key" in anarchy.

Lisa: So the answer to our mystery lies on the other side of that ice bridge.
Bart: It's summertime. The ice bridge will be a water nothing.

Bart: If fairytales have taught us one thing it's that first wives are perfect and second wives are horrible.
Homer: Just the opposite of real life.