Quotes from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy
Jai Rodriguez: This is like a— Oh my god I think... I think I broke the wall... and I don't think it matters.
Thom Filicia: I mean it looks actually like you're nuts. And if you weren't here to represent yourself, I'd think that, pretty much, we'd found him and I'd call the police.
Kyan Douglas: You know what I like about disposable razors? They're disposable. throws them all away
Carson Kressley: You know, I was always the last kid picked in dodge ball. They were like, "Um, okay we'll take Sharon. Now we'll take the girl in the iron lung and... you guys get Carson."
Butch: referring to his sleeves I like 'em straight.
Carson: I like 'em straight, too, but it usually doesn't work.
Carson: Look at this! You put a living room where the crack den used to be!
Ted Allen: He was working that room like a Kennedy!
Carson whispering: I see straight people!
Thom: It's harrhible!
Carson: I said walk. Not... march like a weird little troll.
Ted: I'm sensing kind of an alcohol situation here. And botulism.
Carson after finding a pair of women's underwear : I don't remember ever getting drunk here.
Carson: I need a ritalin smoothie to remember all this.
Carson: Jesus Christ, superstar!
Carson upon seeing Lisa: There's a hooker in Trenton who wants her boots back.
Lisa: I thought they would have made you into some corporate yuppie type.
Carson: Who are we? The five fags from IBM?
Carson: Where'd you get this?
John: Um... Kmart.
Carson putting his hand over John's mouth: Don't use that kind of language around me.
Carson: You're kind of like... not George Strait. George Gay.
Kyan Douglas nodding thoughtfully: I like that... George Gay.
Carson: If she doesn't marry you, you get to marry one of the five of us. Isn't that great? So it's a win/win situation!
Carson looking at John's sparkly shirt: Somewhere in Omaha there's a rave missing a shirt.
John tells Thom he was thinking of putting a cat run in his livingroom
John: Like I said I have two cats, and I wanted to actually put a cat run— 'Cause you know how cats like to—
Thom interrupting: That's a really really really bad idea.
Carson: What does Tina got that I don't? Besides a working vagina?
Thom using a child's telephone: It's 1984. They want all their decorations back.
Vincent: I was just thinking about something. What are the other three guys doing back at my house?
Ted: Back at your house they've probably loaded up the spraying painter and are painting your house pink.
Vincent: Can I put my clothes back on?
Kyan: Ye— second thought Mmm.
Carson: It's glitterous. You know what that rhymes with.
Carson: It's very nice up here. It's kind of smooth here, and sandpaper-y here. It's very scratch-n-sniff.
Carson: He's built like an Easter egg.
Carson: If the hallway got her going with two thumbs up, wait 'til she sees the mirrors on the bed.
Carson: They're like, "Wow, those gays are smart. Shaving cream."
Jai: You guys I found a book about gay people! The Rainbow Goblins!
Carson: Oh look! My God. Just when I thought there was no more plaid left in the universe.
Carson referring to Andrew: I heard he's hung like a bee.
Carson: Look! It's plaid droppings! You just marked your way in case you get lost.
Carson: For days and days I thought, "Who's the homeless Guy." And they're like, "No he's part of the crew." And I thought, "Oh, I thought he was here to steal the camera."
Carson: It takes a village, jackass.
Andrew: Do I look like Ben Affleck?
Carson: You look like Ben & Jerry Affleck.
Carson whispering to a shirt in a plastic case: Hold on! Mommy's gonna send for help. You stay right there.
Carson is instructing Andrew on putting in contacts
Carson: You want to use a dry finger. Sometimes a dry finger is good. Hold it erect. If you need to use two fingers you can.
Andrew to Carson: Don't put your finger in my mouth though. I know where that finger's been.
Ted grabbing Jai to face the camera: Turn around, turn around, turn around.
Jai sheepish: I was eating their food.
Ted: What are you eating, Jai?
Jai: Eating their food.
Ted: And who does that food that belong to?
Ted: It belongs to John and Ayana.
Jai: It belongs to the straight people.
Kyan: Hey, Jai, I found the culture. It's in the bottom of the toothbrush holder.
Ayana: The vagina is leaving the nest.
Thom: No, no, no, we've got Jai.
Carson to Ayana: Love you more than my luggage!
John: This is so embarrassing. To be standing next to a gay guy in skivvies... disposable skivvies.
Kyan: Hey, you're no Prince Charming either, big guy.
John: I'm not even looking at you. I don't want to look that way.
Kyan looks shocked and offended: Are you serious? What's gay about that? I mean over here it's gay, but what's gay about that?
John: 'Cause I'm in skivvies next to gay guy... you just don't understand.
Kyan: Can you make his penis look bigger?
John: Guy, why are you looking at my penis? Kyan cracks up.
Carson: You look like a million dollars. Canadian dollars, but a million dollars.
Ted helpfully: It's still a lot!
John is making the man quiche and it is not going well
Ted: You know, he did a great job cooking it, but now he looks like he's about to mangle it.
Boys are cringing at the disintegrating quiche
Ted: No wait, no wait. It actually—
Kyan: We have a situation.
Ted: No, let me explain— quiche breaks in half
Carson: No, it's not okay.
Ted: It may not be okay.
Thom: She's not as happy as she should be, because when she left it was a tragic basement.
Thom: Can you believe they were talking about cruelty to animals, and they have a red leather sofa the size of a Volkswagen?
Carson: See in our community that's frowned upon. When you have a big brown wad of something on your finger. tries to wipe it off on Jai "Let me... get rid of that."
John: Thanks to the five guys I feel like... like I've got a spark in my pants.
Thom: That had nothing to do with me! I had nothing to do with a spark in his pants!
Kyan on George's hair: Even Bon Jovi knew when the moment was over, though.
Ted: Oo. Mushrooms in a can. Dee-licious!
Thom: With all these mirrors I'm amazed that you still have that hair.
Thom: George, you're a damn kleptomaniac! If I stole my mother's furniture, I would never ever ever have a chance of getting laid.
Ted: One of the first illustrations that your refrigerator needs some adjustment is when your milk transitions from a liquid to a solid.
Thom: Look at this. He keeps his Victoria Secret catalog next to the dictionary. Wow she's very very... pauses to look in dictionary Voluptuous.
Thom: You got shot. I think she has an idea you really really like her.
Carson: Now you're in for a real workout. Shopping's my cardio.
Seeing the made-over George
Carson: You took away Xena and you brought us a Baldwin!
Carson: Did you see he has a 14-size shoe? You do the math.
Ted: You know if you take some dried-up pepper and a beer. Cuisinart? pause I got nothing.
Jai: That is reefer if I've ever seen it.
Thom upon seeing "tomato" plants on Josh's balcony: I had a t-shirt with a tomato plant leaf on it very similar to that.
Thom: I can't believe I'm going to say this, because it's not something I say often in my line of work, but my favorite thing in your livingroom is your fire hydrant.
Carson cuddling with Josh and Kyan: Look it's a manwich!
Kyan nodding: It's a manwich.
Carson: More than a meal.
Ted: I hope he doesn't rush too much shucking the oysters or he might shuck his hand off. That would be a shucking tragedy.
Carson: This is like a bad episode of Soul Train with really bad dancing white people.
Ted: The theme in the kitchen appears to be: A bomb went off.
Thom: Even though you're 6'6" you look like a fag. We're gonna ship this off to Josh Schwartz in Boca.
Tom M: I need like five gay men to come to my house!
Jai looks at Thom and smiles.
Thom: You know I say that all the time!
Thom is wearing pink wings
Jai:Those wings make your ass look so fierce.
Thom: Don't it though? Do these wings make my ass look big?
The boys create a huge pile of furniture
Ted: Anybody got a match?
Ted holding up handcuffs: Are you involved in law enforcement or is this some kind of a kink thing?
Tom: Oh my god, where did you find those?
Ted: I think that answers my question.
Thom examining a large stain on the rug:We can't get rid of the rug. This is where his wife gave birth to his first daughter.
Kyan is examining Tom's blow-dryer.
Kyan: I know all about good blow jobs, and this isn't it.
Carson about the carpet stain: Let's just try and shout it out. OUT! GET OUT!
Carson: We sold your children to pay for the furniture. I think you'll find it's a better investment in the long run.
Carson: You know why they call them board games? snore. Bored.
Tom: Let me tell you I'm going to have a sushi buffet. That's the theme.
Carson: Sushi Buffet. That sounds like a drag queen.
Jai: Idiot's Guide to Beer. Who's that much of an idiot that they need a guide to beer?
Jai singing: Five gay men, cleaning one house. One straight man, that's all it takes. Just one dirty straight man...
Ted singing: ...and five gay men...
Ted: Life is to short to drink cheap booze.
While talking to Alan about the cocktail party they want him to throw:
Ted: Well what you want to do is have your parents meet Katie's parents. And you want to impress them. Well, they'd probably be less impressed with a keg than I would be.
Holding out a penny
Carson: C'mon it's a penny. You could live on this for like a week.
Jai rushing the boys out the door: C'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon. Shutting the door. I'm so glad they're gone... I'm kidding.
Carson: Gin makes people happy.
Thom: Did you hear Katie laughing when he offered them drinks?
The parents, Alan and Katie are awkwardly silent. The Fab Five are equally silent
Jai: Say something!
Kyan: I'm getting in touch with my inner Pocahontas.
Carson breaks display scissors
Thom: Oh my god. Holly Hobby's gonna kill us.
Ted: Look! I caught a fag!
Kyan: What have we learned here today? That there is such a thing as too many dried flowers.
picking up a windmill in the front yard
Ted: Here. Let's put this in the neighbor's yard.
Jeff's college-aged son compliments the food
Thom: If you didn't get snaps from him... that would have been ugly.
Carson: You know, Richard's so formal. Let's just say we're looking for Dick.
Thom's looking for a lighter
Carson: Good idea! Let's torch the place.
Carson: Okay, everybody's keys in the bowl.
Carson: We had Saks together. Was it as good for you as it was for me?
Carson about the caterers: What a weird bunch of dinner guests. They all look like Dieter.
Thom: He's neurotic, he's needy... He's like every guy I've ever dated!
Kyan: looking in the shower You could put a harness in here. Good times.
Steve: These shoes aren't going to make me gay?
Carson: bending over Steve to put on a shoe No, but this will.
Thom: going into a store before Steve Sorry, ladies before gentlemen.
Thom: Lemme get this straight: your friend is a straight hairstylist with wicker furniture? I have a feeling he's not telling you the whole truth.
Thom: So now we're going to the Wicker Hut.
Kyan: You have slutty hair.
Steve: I have slutty hair.
Carson: He left the security tag on. That's a little too Winona Ryder for my liking.
Ted: We made a girl shake. For the first time ever.
Carson: Gothic girl needs to give the tie back.
Carson: First off you've got a mouth like a trucker. Second, you're mean, and third, give him his clothes back!
Thom about Gothic Girl and her piercings: She's cool... Just probably no fun to go to the airport with.
Carson: screaming Don't give the couture away!
Kyan: looking through the bathroom I know there's got to be moisturizer here.
Kyan: showing Ross moisturizer Is this yours?
Ross: No. I'm not one for the whole moisturizing thing. Kyan sighs, exasperated
Kyan: showing Ross a facial scrub Ross, is this yours?
Ross: No. I don't use [my girlfriend's] stuff. Kyan sighs again
Kyan: looking at a brush I hope this is the girlfriend's.
Thom: First of all they don’t know English. Second of all they just stupid. And C, I don’t know why this book’s about waves.
Thom: whispering and heading for the freezer Let's have another hamburger.
Thom: You're funny, you're laid-back, you're a great kisser.
Thom: Remember when you told me you'd make out with me if I got you a flat screen TV? Well pucker up, baby.
Thom: We also totally agreed you were the best kisser.
Carson: I love the way he works the stick of butter. It's kind of getting me heated up.
Carson: Rimming it does help it rise, I've found.
Ted: Give the man a moment. He's garnishing for gods sake!
Carson: My mother used to say, "Only whores and children wear red shoes".
Tina: Everyone needs a junk drawer.
Carson: Yeah, but a junk wall?
on the video
Carson: Didn't Thom say these squiggly mirrors needed to go?
back in the apartment
Thom jumps on top of Tina and mock-strangles her as Ted chases John around the room.
Carson: Oh wow. That's fiesta de salmonella!
Thom to George's girlfriend : Wait a minute. Are you in morningwear? So much for the white dress!
Kyan: Ted, really. You shouldn't be running around like that at your age.
Thom: Run like a woman, Ted! Run!
Ted giving a tip while sitting on a very sexy Santa's lap: The fruitcake. A holiday tradition. But then so is sitting on laps in department stores. When you're giving the gift of food, consider giving something people would actually want to eat. looks at Santa meaningfully
Carson with his head covered: Crouching Tiger, Hidden Drag Queen.
Carson: Lions and tigers and bad taste, oh my!
Ralph correcting Ted on hand signs: That means I love you in sign language. This means rock and roll.
Kyan giving Ralph the middle finger: You know what this means? Clean your toilet!
Kyan: finding baby wipes: You'll use baby wipes on your ass but you won't moisturize your face? Get out of here!
Thom: This table is completely tragic.
Carson: You always have to look your best, even at home, because you never know when a striking Jehovah's Witness is going to come to your door.
Carson: You know how skin can get big... and then contract.
Ted: Jai, I think my pants just came unzipped. Can you help me out with that?
Carson about the dancing strippers: Hey, Jai! That's how you dance!
Carson about the g-strings: Hey, I think I need some dental floss.
Thom: Dude, you're living like ... like a crazy person!
Ted: The last supper clock. Wow.
Thom: I wanna go home!
Kyan: His inspiration was Johnny Depp. Were you high?
Kevin: Gay guys rule!
Thom: It'll fit! Put the damn ring on!
Thom: It's like taking a wire hanger from the cleaners and faux-painting it wood.
Carson: Tucking is so last week.
Warren: Mother tuckers!
Ted: I'm so tempted to throw this [glass] across the room right now. But it would probably freak people out.
Warren tastes the anti-nail biting polish on his nails.
Thom: That's like buying mace and being like, "Let's see if this works."
Carson: Put down the monkey and get ready!!
John's plate matches Kyan's heart t-shirt
Kyan: I heart your plates.
Carson: Here's a tip for you: when buying a velour tracksuit, stop.
Carson accidentally squirts miscellaneous ointment onto Ted's shirt
Carson: I didn't know I was so close.
Jai: John, this is the most boring porn I've ever seen. Ever.
Ted: And he's already pounding the liquor. An athlete after my own heart.
Thom: Trying to get an Italian woman out of the kitchen is impossible.
Jai: I love it when guys put dresses in their wardrobes. It's the right answer.
Carson: When you're bored and there's nothing better you can do, there's nothing like a potato.
Thom to Ted: Keep your little weird fetishes out of this.
Carson about Mildred: It's a little bit like 101 dogs go to Africa.
Ted: Do you think he has a therapist? 'Cause I can't do that.
Jai: We're stressing out the straight guy! Wooo!
Jai holding up Ramen noodles: This is not food. The whole oodles of noodles with the pack of doodles?
Carson closing himself into a curio cabinet: Look! I'm a collectible!
Carson: We're stressy, we're edgy. Like us running off to Belize together.
Carson: If I didn't know you, I'd try to lure you to a wayside rest area.
Thom: Welcome to your new apartment. It's even gayer than before.
Carson: Time is running out. My hair almost caught on fire.
Thom: You guys, look. This is my pile of stuff I don't like. Is it getting too big?
Ted about Costco: They've got trampolines. They've got plastic TVs. They have tube socks... They have the greatest tube socks.
Carson about the sheets: It's a full queen. Just like you, Thom!
Carson doing Hannibal Lechter voice: It's lamb, Clarisse. It's lamb.
Kyan: It's the mullet that won't die!
Ted: J-Ro! I've got a straight guy for you!
Thom: I've never had anyone cry over my work before.
Carson: I think she actually squeaked.
Carson: Those other two little Charlie's Angels better shut their mouths, or they'll ruin everything.
Carson: They're like a white Destiny's Child.
Carson: Everyone needs to know that we made the pilot in 1979. That's why we look so young.
James: Can you tell me what you find at all appealing about Billy Joel?
Ted reassuring Lawson: By the way, I'm the nice one.
Carson: I found it helpful when asking for wardrobe to just tell them we were making a mayonnaise commercial for the Russian Network.
Carson examining Lawson's forehead: Oh my god. It's an AMC Pacer!
Carson: Let's not worry about labels. I won't call you a pervert if you won't call me a big homo.
Carson: Doug knows I'm a big bisexual. Buy me something and I'll be very sexual.
Carson: Just because you get your hair frosted doesn't mean you're gay. But if you frost someone else's hair, that's another story.
Carson: I think he put the wrong stuff... I think he put mouthwash in his hair.
Lawson steals Ted's line
Ted: I think he stole my line.
Carson: Is his team on our team?
changing the thermostat temperature
Carson: Let's see how you do with 69.
Mark is worried carson will throw his shirts into the fireplace
Carson: No! I would never. throws shirt into fire. Oops!
Thom watching the shirts burn: I don't think the EPA is going to be happy about this.
Jai playing virtual golf with Mark: Hey, if I kick your ass you won't be upset, will you?
Carson holding a whistle to Mark's mouth: Now blow me.
Kyan talking about shooting 18 holes and then grabbing a drink at the 19th: You can go to the 20th hole after that, but I won't say a word.
Carson: Look at all of this wood. It's definitely getting me in the mood.
Mark: I'm a very fuzzy guy.
Carson: You're what my people call a cub.
Carson: Okay, take the sunglasses off because no one likes a blind coach.
Carson: What the hell is he talking about? This looks like new math.
Mark's son blows the Tiffany's whistle
Carson: That kid's either gonna be a coach or a raver.
Jai about the parfait: He should just pass it off as a daiquiri.
Carson imitating the wife's reaction: "Those rascally gays moved our dining room!
Carson: Oh! We just ran over a pedestrian.
Ted singing: You came into my life, and my world never looked so bright. Something something something, something something something.
Thom: It's better when she does it, somehow.
Crew member: He has a beautiful woman to gyrate with.
Jai: Let's leave Carson out of this.
The cast and crew take a break
Kyan: We could do a little power shopping.