Quotes from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy
Kyan Douglas: You know what I like about disposable razors? They're disposable. throws them all away
Carson: You're kind of like... not George Strait. George Gay.
Kyan Douglas nodding thoughtfully: I like that... George Gay.
John pulls out a blow dryer.
Kyan shocked: This is... this is news to me.
Kyan: You sure you don't wanna dip your M&M in this salsa?
Kyan: Would you cut your own toenail before you let it turn into a weapon?
Kyan: Hey, Jai, I found the culture. It's in the bottom of the toothbrush holder.
John: This is so embarrassing. To be standing next to a gay guy in skivvies... disposable skivvies.
Kyan: Hey, you're no Prince Charming either, big guy.
John: I'm not even looking at you. I don't want to look that way.
Kyan looks shocked and offended: Are you serious? What's gay about that? I mean over here it's gay, but what's gay about that?
John: 'Cause I'm in skivvies next to gay guy... you just don't understand.
Kyan: Can you make his penis look bigger?
John: Guy, why are you looking at my penis? Kyan cracks up.
Kyan on George's hair: Even Bon Jovi knew when the moment was over, though.
Carson cuddling with Josh and Kyan: Look it's a manwich!
Kyan nodding: It's a manwich.
Carson: More than a meal.
Kyan is examining Tom's blow-dryer.
Kyan: I know all about good blow jobs, and this isn't it.
Kyan: I'm getting in touch with my inner Pocahontas.
Kyan: What have we learned here today? That there is such a thing as too many dried flowers.
Kyan: looking in the shower You could put a harness in here. Good times.
Kyan: You have slutty hair.
Steve: I have slutty hair.
Kyan in a girls voice: Steven!
Kyan: looking through the bathroom I know there's got to be moisturizer here.
Kyan: showing Ross moisturizer Is this yours?
Ross: No. I'm not one for the whole moisturizing thing. Kyan sighs, exasperated
Kyan: showing Ross a facial scrub Ross, is this yours?
Ross: No. I don't use [my girlfriend's] stuff. Kyan sighs again
Kyan: looking at a brush I hope this is the girlfriend's.
A Very Queer Eye Holiday
Kyan: Ted, really. You shouldn't be running around like that at your age.
WHAT'S THAT SOUND:
The Making of the Queer Eye Music Video
The cast and crew take a break
Kyan: We could do a little power shopping.
Ralph correcting Ted on hand signs: That means I love you in sign language. This means rock and roll.
Kyan giving Ralph the middle finger: You know what this means? Clean your toilet!
Kyan: to Ralph when he finds out he uses baby wipes: You'll use baby wipes on your ass but you won't moisturize your face? Get out of here!
Kyan: His inspiration was Johnny Depp. Were you high?
John's plate matches Kyan's heart t-shirt
Kyan: I heart your plates.
Kyan: It's the mullet that won't die!
Kyan talking about shooting 18 holes and then grabbing a drink at the 19th: You can go to the 20th hole after that, but I won't say a word.
Brandon & David B.
Kyan: And stay out of each other's products.
How's my hair?
It looks nice for once, actually.
Kyan: There was a compliment in there somewhere.
Kyan: And then you stand in the shower with an electrical device. Which always seems like a good idea.
Kyan: His hair's a little Something About Mary, I have to say.
Kyan: You had a beer in the shower?
Phil: Oh, like you haven't.
Kyan pauses and then cracks up
Phil: You know it's funny, 'cause we were fixing the inside of my car and really it's like we were fixing the inside of me.
Kyan: Did you just use a metaphor?! Oh my god, you used a metaphor!
Phil: Is that a beard trimmer?
Kyan in an exaggerated Brooklyn accent: It's a beaard trimma.
Kyan: Oh my god. You're getting more handsome by the second.
Kyan: Look! Here's a beer. Why don't you go have a shower.
Kyan: He just left all those beer bottles on the table.
Carson: And all the lights on. Doesn't he realize our fossil fuels are dwindling?
Queer Eye for the Gay Guy
Kyan: There's a disco shower curtain in here. Ted, have you seen this? This beats all the shower curtains I've ever come in contact with.
Kyan: These do not say, "I wanna get laid."
Ted: Man does not live by croutons alone.
Kyan: Don't you love happy endings?
Kyan: You know, we'll have Thom carry up the bikes later on.
Kyan: Poker? I don't even know her!
Kyan: It's especially good to keep cardboard in the oven.
Kyan: You have power tools in your bathroom, dude.
Kyan: All I have to say to you, is "Pour me a glass of champagne, bitch."
Kyan: Do you want what is in the trash can, or curtain number one?
Kyan: Who twists their ankle skiing on a bed? I do.
Kyan: You have a small basket. That's the unfortunate thing about this.
Kyan: Oh no I have all the time in the world. You go take your precious little time. Don't worry about me!
Ari: Oh, I can feel a difference.
Kyan: That's because it's clean.
Ted: When Carson gets back I'm gonna put him in a ten-step couture program. Then I'm gonna kill him.
Kyan: I'm gonna kill him first, you kill him second.
Thom: Easy, killers.
Jai: We can dress John Williams from New Jersey!
Ted: Alright, everybody do a flip. everyone does a Carson hair flip
Kyan and Ted are talking in Irish accents
Kyan: I remember growing up as a wee little kid in the father land.
Kyan: Rushin' down the hills. And I almost fell and busted me collarbone, I did.
Ted: Was that what turned ya queer, was it?
Kyan: That's what turned me homo.
Kyan: Buckle up, John. Thom can't drive to save his life.
A Very Queer Eye Christmas
Kyan: You guys have quite the litter there.
Kyan: Here. shoving a Life game at Jai. Get a life.
Fragrance Guy: How does lavender sound? It's a bit citrus-y, with a nice base of amber.
Kyan: Sounds like a stripper.
DARIN D. : LONDON
Kyan: Julie is addicted to thermal to thermal styling. You have a thermal styling addiction.
Kyan: We put the tail in "detail."
Kyan about the hummus prep: I think he's going to the dark place.
Kyan about the couture: He's going to that dark place again.
Kyan: You know what the irony is? I think your haircut before was very gay. It took a gay guy to fix that.
Kyan: I am in my underwear! Come with me to the livingroom!
Kyan playing with a cigar cutter: For "cigars."
Jai: Or emergency circumcisions.
CAMERON A. : UNT
Kyan: Where's the porn?
Kyan: Look at them. They're not worthy. That's really cool.
JOE H. : Dallas
SCOTT B. : Dallas
Kyan: The gays wear chaps too, but it's a very different thing.
Boston Red Sox
Kyan on a strand of Johnny Damon's hair: I could sell this on eBay for like a thousand dollars, probably.
Kyan checking out Damon's arms: Holy Moly. Nice work! high fives Michelle.
Kyan about the garage: I love what you did to your living room!
Kyan on Hector Sr.'s golf swing: Hector, you suck as bad as I do!
Carson: What's your husband's name? I don't know, what is it? Is it Dick? I thought so!
Sheila: I can't say it!
Carson: You can say it!
Kyan: It's like Richard.
Carson: He's your Dick.
Sheila: He's my Dick.
Carson: See! Didn't that feel good?
Kyan: Now it's very important to remember that whenever you're scaling fish it's good to go against the grain.
Kyan: The good thing about the grilled vegetables is, they fall on the ground, because they're grilled, you can't really tell that they're dirty.
Kyan: We want you to know, dude, you're gonna have food, you're gonna have booze, you're gonna have cigars, you're gonna have strippers.... They're gonna be male strippers but you're gonna have strippers.
Kyan: Well what do you guys want to do? What's your sort of idea?
Mikey: You know, a nice dinner—
Kyan: You know what? You're bullshitting me. I'm gonna call you on it right now.
Ryan to Mikey: Be honest. Tell the truth!
Ryan: Mikey, you can say midgets and farm animals. It's alright.
Carson: It's like a drunken Blair Witch Project.
Kyan: I'm exhausted watching this.
Carson: Okay, these are firemen and they can't find their way around.
Jai: This is very, like, drunken Amazing Race.
Kyan about Ted's recipe: You're a real asshole, Ted.
Kyan: When's the last time you got your hair done professionally?
Joni: Professionally? Twenty years
Kyan: Why so long ago?
Joni: Because last time they told me "God, you have crappy hair".
Kyan: The stylist told you that? Did he really? How did that make you feel?
Joni: Well, I was humiliated so that's why I've never gone back
Kyan: Oh, I'm so sorry. whoever it was, is an embarrassment to our profession.
Kyan about the grill: Is this what you do with the bad birds?
Kyan: This is very... apartment complex chic. Without the chic.
Kyan when Ed talks with the interviewer: Oh, my God, is this story over yet?
Kyan: Can I ask you a question, Jesan. Which gay cowboy gave you that belt buckle?
Carson: Is this something you'd wear to work?
Eric: I don't think I'd wear the pants to work.
Carson: Really? Why not?
Eric: They're a little too loud for my office.
Carson: D'you think?
Kyan: I.E. gay.
Carson: I don't think they're loud. I think they're subtle.
Kyan: Carson, I have a question for you. Are you loud or are you subtle?
Carson: I'm expressive.
Kyan: Those pants are expressive.
Kyan chanting: U-G-L-Y. Your pants, they got no alibi. They ugly!
Anna Marie & Michael G.
Kyan: We have handwriting like a woman, don't we?
Kyan about the air bed: It needs a little air. My ass is touching the floor right now.
Kyan: There's a lot of androgyny happening.
Ted about Kyan: You might be gay if you're ironing your napkins.
Kyan: You might be.
Peter Jr.: Did I put too much stuff in my hair? I gotta wash it.
Kyan: What the hell? You're kidding me! You are kidding me. He's washing his hair with some sort of hand soap in the sink while his family is downstairs waiting for him. This is a first.