1989

Henry Spencer (Corbin Bernsen): That was your teacher. Apparently you're the only one in class who didn't turn in his art assignment. So there's going to be an empty space on the wall at open house tonight.
Young Shawn (Liam James): Actually Dad, I'm pretty sure I did finish it. Sounds to me like it was stolen.
Henry: Oh, so somebody breaks into the school and the only thing they steal is your painting. And why is that?
Young Shawn: Because it's the perfect crime.
Henry: Sit. {he sits} Shawn, there is no such thing as the perfect crime. We leave in forty-five minutes. Make something pretty.

Present Day

Shawn Spencer (James Roday): Lassie.
Burton "Gus" Guster (Dulé Hill): Wow.
Shawn: Is your hair starting its own cult?
Chief Karen Vick (Kirsten Nelson): Trying to do a performance review here, Mr. Spencer. I thank you not to bother us.
Shawn: Seems like a strange thing to thank me for, but you're welcome of course.

Gus: Are we ever going to start skiing?
Shawn: As soon as I finish this hot chocolate.
Gus: Why don't you just throw it out?
Shawn: I would, but this hot cocoa represents the end of our vacation money.
Gus: How are we out of cash? We've only been here four hours.
Shawn: The American dollar was not as strong as I anticipated, Gus.

Gus: So what do we do now, call the authorities?
Shawn: We make sure it's Despereaux. And I have an ingenious plan to smoke him out.
Gus: Sounds good.
Shawn: Pierre! {Despereaux turns}
Gus: That was your plan?!

Shawn: There's only one move we can't follow!
Gus: What's that?
Shawn: He just made it!
Gus: The slow gentle turn?
Shawn: That was it!

Shawn: You know what this means, Gus.
Gus: That we suck at skiing?
Shawn: This hot chocolate just became a write-off.

Shawn: You've seen The Mentalist, right?
Corporal Robert Mackintosh: Yes!
Shawn: It's like that.
Gus: Except that guy is a fake.

Shawn: Put your socks on, Gus. 'Cause I'm about to knock them off.
Gus: What've you got?
Shawn: I've got nothing. What've you got?
Gus: Nothing. {a birthday banner comes in the background} No you don't! It's obvious.

Shawn: He stole something else, too. He stole a painting! {points to an empty spot over the mantle} Ed, he's better than we thought I'm afraid.
Randolph Stockwell: I sold that painting two weeks ago.

Pierre Despereaux (Cary Elwes): Mildly impressive that you found me here. You two are making a marked improvement from your harlequinade antics on the slopes.
Gus: In my defense, I have two left knees.
Shawn: You know what's more impressive? In about fifteen seconds you're going to see a fierce—albeit gunless—American detective, his striking snow bunny partner—which I mean nothing salacious by—and half the RCMP are going to storm this roof and take you down! Wait for it...
Despereaux: I'd love to, but I really have to go.

Shawn: We found you, so... looks like we win.
Despereaux: I am neither known nor wanted in this country. At best I'm a person of interest in places I do my work. Such is the curse of my talent. So since I have taken the time to find you, please, don't spoil it.

Shawn: I'm afraid we fell for the flaming baked Alaska diversion trick again.

Deputy Commissioner Ed Dykstra (Ed Lauter): How clear are you on this?
Shawn: It's as if he wrote it on a piece of paper and put it in my hand.

Despereaux: You have nothing on me but your word. Your very shaky, very suspect word. Therefore you pose absolutely no threat to me whatsoever. I do have to thank you. You have been very useful for me.
Shawn: My pleasure.
Despereaux: And now if you don't mind.
Shawn: I don't know how to respond. I'm both relieved and offended at the same time.

Shawn: One more thing. What day is today?
Despereaux: Sunday.
Shawn: Yeah, that's what I thought.

Shawn: I am honing. I am a honer.

Shawn: Trust me, he cares just as much about his pants as he does thievery.
Juliet: So let me get this straight. Despereaux comes to you in a vision to fake doing something?

Shawn: I know why Despereaux never gets caught! Because he doesn't steal anything!

Shawn: Man, I thought you were so cool. But you're just here to look the part. This whole time I'm thinking, This guy is Thomas Crown. You're barely Remington Steele. Which makes me, what? Laura Holt? You think a guy like me wants to be Stephanie Zimbalist? Maybe.

Shawn: Look at that bridge!
Juliet: It's beautiful.
Shawn: Little known fact: that bridge was built by wolves.
Juliet: Really?

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Shawn: It's really important that I get this girl's address. I need to go by there.
Juliet: Um. That's where I'm calling you from. And Shawn, she must be a great hooker. This place is sweet.

Donny Leberman: But why would someone want to buy the virus?
Shawn: I have a guess, and much like this bedspread it's not pretty.

Gus: This room was paid for in cash and registered to a Val Kilmer.
Shawn: It's either an alias or Val has officially lost it.

Gus: I can't believe this, Shawn. First we're looking for a prostitute, now I'm naked in a parking lot?
Shawn: It's just like our prom night.

Shawn: Speaking of disasters, Doctor, what is your opinion of Lassiter's hair?
Dr. Steven Reidman (Judd Nelson): Scientifically, if he were to grow it, his ears wouldn't stick out as much.

Shawn: According to your file, under medications, you have listed neither Rogaine nor Monoxinil. Is that correct?
Patient: That's right.
Shawn: Really? You don't want to try either of those?
Patient: No. Why?

Shawn about the escaped Dr. Mallon: I'm sensing that he has his own stash of the cure.
Juliet: How is that possible?
Shawn: Because not only did he invent it, I am sensing he also stole the Thornberg and then released it.

Lassiter: You're not trained in covert surveillance.
Shawn: Really? What part of training is announcing our presence with a megaphone?
Lassiter: Just go hide in a bathroom and stay out of our way.
Shawn: Alright we'll go. But not because you told us to. Gus has to tinkle.

Shawn: Gus, something doesn't make sense to me. He was on his way out when we spotted him. Why did he leave before releasing the jujumagumbo?
Gus: He aborted his plan.

Shawn: I can see him! It's either him or Michael Ironside.
Juliet: Why would you be having a vision of Michael Ironside?
Shawn: Exactly!

Shawn: What are you, Michael Vick?
Lassiter: I'm not going to shoot him! He doesn't know that.
Shawn: He doesn't know anything. He's a dog.

Shawn: I realized, in life, we never have as much time as I think we do.
Gus: What do you mean?
Shawn: I mean Jules. I mean all this time, right, we talk, we do our thing. And I'm like, you know, if something's supposed to happen between us it'll happen. Just poof! And magic beans coming down on you. But the truth is, my god, she could die today. And she might never know how I feel.

Shawn: I didn't wait. I didn't wait for my decoder ring or my Frankenberry action figure when I was a kid. So what am I waiting for now? All I know is, I don't want to miss out on the prize.
Juliet: What are you trying to say, Shawn?
Shawn: I... uh.... I don't know.

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