Frank Ogletree (Todd Stashwick): Are you familiar with the exclusivity clause in your contract? It means we don't allow second jobs.
Gus: Jobs? No, no. Psych is more like community service. And it never affects my work.
Frank Ogletree: This photo was taken Thursday night. I noticed that you signed out early that day.
Gus: At least I signed out.

Gus: What is this?
Ogletree: It's a termination notice. Or you could quit your other job. You tell me. {Gus sets down the letter} Good choice.

Madeleine Spencer (Cybill Shepherd): Shawn, you don't have to walk me through the whole building. I used to have quite a few sessions here. This is where I met your father
Shawn: I know. I heard the story. It was an evaluation after he shot some drug dealer.
Madeleine: He told you that? He twisted his ankle doing security for the Cinnamon Festival.

Lassiter: You wanted to see me, Chief?
Chief Karen Vick (Kirsten Nelson): Yes. It has come to my attention, Detective, that you have discharged your weapon in the last four cases you've worked.
Lassiter: Thank you.
Chief Vick: That wasn't a compliment.

Chief Vick: I've requested a department-sanctioned psychologist to come here and have a session or two with you.
Lassiter: I'm going to have to say no.
Chief Vick: That wasn't a question.
Lassiter: Could you phrase it like one?

Lassiter: Where's the bug?
Madeleine: The what?
Lassiter: The bug. {checking the table} Nothing new in this area. It must be concealed on your person.
Madeleine: I honestly don't have anything on me.
Lassiter: Then you wouldn't be opposed to me patting you down.
Madeleine: Actually I'm very opposed to that.

Haversham: So what is this now, a shakedown?
Shawn: Oh there's no shakedown. I'm just telling you what I know. I'm a psychic. And with great power comes great responsibility. And that responsibility I share with Gus. All we want is the opportunity to continue doing our work.
Haversham: Just between us?
Shawn: I'm a psychic. I can't lie.

Madeleine: What happened?
Shawn: When?
Madeleine: Between you two.
Shawn: Mom, that is a veritable lifetime of conversations.

Madeleine: What happened? Don't mince words.
Shawn: With Dad? Look, we were both there. You know. We don't need to revisit the past.
Madeleine: Maybe we do.
Shawn: Look, I'm not sure I want to forgive him for what happened.
Madeleine: The divorce?
Shawn: It wasn't what happened, Mom. It was the way that it happened. I mean, let's call it what it was. He left us. He left you. He ended up with the house and he left you by yourself to pick up the pieces. That's not exactly what I call hero material, you know?
Madeleine: Shawn. I left him.

Madeleine: I thought of all people that you would be okay. And I am so sorry.

Shawn: Abigail Lytar.
Abigail Lytar (Rachael Leigh Cook): Judd Nelson.
Shawn: In the flesh.
Abigail: I loved you in From the Hip.

Shawn: Did you see that?
Abigail: What, is somebody getting their lunch money stolen?
Shawn: I think it's a little bigger than that.

Abigail: Oh wait, I get it. You guys are dating. You're together. Everything makes sense.
Gus: We are not dating.
Shawn: Are you kidding me? He was voted most likely to succeed. He's gonna date me?

Earlie (Chris Gauthier): Women. Absolutely nothing but heartache, man.
Neil: All they want is the ring, man. They won't stop 'til they get the ring.
Shawn: Dude, I could not have said it better myself. Maybe clearer. But I agree. And just like you guys, I hope to kiss one. Someday.
Earlie: Exactly. you know, dude, you're just like us. Marginally employed, single, never been married. I mean, you get it!

Henry: There's so much crap. What is all this stuff?
Madeleine: It's your life.
Henry: This is not my life.
Madeleine: Well it's stuff from your life anyway. I boxed it all up because I figured one day you'd want to look at it again when you're old and crotchety.
Henry: Yeah, well I just want to dump it all.
Madeleine: Which in your case would be today.

Lassiter seeing Mindy's meds: Well that figures.

Henry: I think I'm going to take a look around. You wanna join me?
Madeleine: That depends. Do you have a hall pass?
Henry: Are you kidding? I used to own these halls.

Shawn: Assuming that Parker Stevenson had never been born, have you ever seen a very attractive man solve a crime before?
Abigail: I did see John Cusack prevent a jaywalking once.

Chief Vick: Where were you at, the prom?
Juliet: Why would you say that?
Chief Vick: Because you're wearing a prom dress.

Chief Vick: Oh and by the way, whatever it is you're really working on? You're not getting paid for this.

Madeleine: Oh Henry, we must have done something right.
Henry: That was all you.

Lewis (Brian Gross): I brought us the two new die hards you asked for.
Dutch the Clutch (Jeff Fahey): Man, already?
Shawn: Actually I'm Die Hard. He's Die Harder. We have two other guys in our crew but they aren't nearly as good as us.
Dutch: Well how the hell'd you do that so quick? Especially after what happened to that last bunch.
Gus: Excuse me. What happened to the last bunch?
Dutch: Well we can't talk about it. For legal reasons. All I know is our attorney said it ain't decapitation if the head don't come off all the way.

Dutch: What's the most dangerous thing you've ever done?
Shawn: We eat at Taco John's with some frequency. So that puts us right there on the edge.

Dutch: Can't nobody tell me I can't do anything no more.
Gus: That's gotta be the worst English I've ever heard.

Gus: You're guilty of attempted patricide!
Shawn: And: you tried to kill your own dad.
Lewis: I never tried to kill anyone. You really think I'd hire detectives if I wanted to bump off my own dad? What kind of psychic are you?
Shawn: The kind that loves bees. And historical novels.

Lewis: You know what it's like to have your father tell you not to follow in his footsteps?
Shawn: I wish.

Gus: You must be out of your damn mind!
Red: Well we had to see how fire retardant these suits were.
Gus: You didn't know that before you tried to set us on fire?
Red: That's what you're getting paid for.

Shawn: Dutch, someone tampered with that gliding suit, the spirits are sure of it.
Dutch: That diving suit tore 'cause I bought it during the gliding suit boom in 1977. And that fall wouldn't have killed me! Damn, one time I jumped out of a blimp, five hundred feet in the sky. Had a heart attack on the way down. Two hours later I was eating a BLT in a Red Robin. True story.

Dutch: What the hell are you doing here? I thought I fired your ass.
Shawn: I just came to apologize to you, Dutch.
Dutch: For what?
Shawn: I was wrong about you. All this time I thought you were the kid who shot milk out of his eye. You know, willing to do just about anything for attention regardless of how it affects the people around you. But that's not the case, is it?
Dutch: Son, I'm getting tired of the sound of your gums flappin'.
Shawn: You're all about family. Aren't you, Dutch? You love them more than life. That's why you've been trying to kill yourself. I sensed dark clouds above you. You're terminally ill. I'm sorry man. It must be so scary knowing that you're going to die especially when you're all that your family has.

Shawn: Look, this is your last stunt for a while and that's my fault. If this disease hits you before your next show, your family gets nothing. So I'm sure whatever your method is tonight, it's foolproof.
Dutch: What are you gonna do now?
Shawn: Nothing. I'm not going to try and stop you. And I will not say anything if you go through with it. You have my word.

Shawn: Just let me leave you with this, Dutch. It doesn't take a psychic to see how much people love you. Your son came to me and hired a psychic against his better judgment to keep you alive. And you don't know this yet, but all he wants in the world is to be more like you. You go to your so or your wife—or anyone else on your crew for that matter—and you ask them which they'd rather have. Six more months with you. Or a million dollars. You know damn well what they'll answer and they don't have to think about it for a second.
Dutch: Is that right?
Shawn: True story.
Dutch: You're wrong. I was the kid in class who shot milk out of his eye. And I was damn good at it.

Chief Vick: Mr. Spencer, now by my estimation you may be in some serious trouble here, so I am going to ask you this once: where's the gold?
Henry: It's not quite as simple as that.
Shawn: Right. If we were to really answer that question we'd have to go back quite awhile.
Chief Vick: How long?
Shawn: About twenty years.

About Twenty Years Ago

Kid: Your dad's awesome!
Young Shawn: I know.
Kid: I'm so glad my dad didn't come. I mean I don't even know what a manager of debt consolidation does anyways. Except drink.

Jack (Steven Weber): Kids, my big brother Henry is absolutely right. This is not real gold. But it is real chocolate!

Shawn: Dude, a hose? Really? What were you gonna do, give him a high colonic?
Gus: Shut up, Shawn!
Jack: No no no no no, I get it. You bust in here, you blind them with water and then you make your move!

Jack: It seems like only yesterday I was bringing you kids to the track and we were betting the ponies.
Gus: I was the only eight-year-old kid who knew what a trifecta meant.

Jack: I guess you are wondering why I came back. {dramatic pause} I want you to help me find Bouchard's treasure.
Henry: Come on, not that again, Jack. I hate to break it to you, little brother, but Bouchard's treasure does not, has not and will not ever exist. It's a pipe dream.
Shawn: Don't listen to him, Uncle Jack. He's a dream killer.
Jack: I understand his frustration. All those years listening to me drone on about the treasure thing, and not even a semblance of proof. I get it. One thing confuses me though. If it is just a figment of my imagination, {produces a map} where'd I get this?

Jack: Okay, now here's the plan. Everything we find, we split fifty-fifty.
Gus: That's after we donate most of it to a museum, right?
Jack: We are so going to do that, Gus.

Jack: Technically, there's something I haven't told you about the whole map.
Shawn: Uncle Jack! This is a pretty big thing to leave out!
Jack: Yeah, I know, I know. It's a long story. A one-legged woman, bottle of Cutty Sark. The point is, the missing part of the map is the first step of the hunt.

Chief Vick: Here you go, Mr. Guster. This is all they had in lost and found in your size.
Gus: An Ugg boot? I can't wear an Ugg boot with— {she glares at him} It'll be dope with my one Puma.

Chief Vick: Now, Mr. Spencer—
Shawn and Henry: Yes.
Chief Vick: Oh, I meant the older— Sorry. Not old. Less—
Shawn: Handsome. Less hair? Less friends on Facebook?
Henry: Less nose.
Shawn: Oow!

Jack: Okay, guys. ready? Now all we gotta do is borrow a car. Now technically, the term is "hot wiring." However—

Andres Candelaria: Hello Mr. Spencer. I believe you know why you are here.
Shawn: And I believe you know I know why I'm here. Now. Why am I here?
Andres Candelaria: To help us find the treasure.

Shawn: Sorry, Chief. I got roped into doing a silly interview with the Independent. They've been calling and begging for weeks and I finally relented.
Reporter: You called me.
Shawn: And you called me back. Which means we're both right. The important thing is you got your cover story.
Reporter: Actually, it's page 64.
Shawn: It really depends how you fold it, doesn't it?

Chief Vick: It goes without saying, Mr. Spencer, that your father is in no way to participate in this investigation. He's no longer on the force and his meddling could compromise the case in court. Do I make myself clear?
Shawn: Yes you do, Chief. What isn't clear is why people always say "it goes without saying" yet still feel compelled to say the thing that's supposed to do without saying. Doesn't that bother you?
Chief Vick: No! And frankly I could care less.
Gus: Now that's the one that bothers me. Why do peopel say, "I could care less" when they really mean "I couldn't care less."?

Chief Vick: You two realize I carry a gun. Right?
Gus: That was perfectly allocuted.

Pookie (Ted Lange): Officer Spencer. Long time no see. What brings you gentlemen to my establishment?
Shawn: Well, Mr. Pookie. {Gus giggles} As you may have heard, a judge recently overturned the conviction on the Eugene Franks case.
Pookie: Maybe I heard, maybe I didn't.
Shawn: Right. Well we're looking for information on a few people that might used to run with old Eugene.
Pookie: Sorry, I don't know what you're talking about.
Henry: Alright alright. I know how this works. Gus, get the other sock. Give him some money.

1988

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