Carlton "Lassie" Lassiter (Timothy Omundson): Name.
Juliet "Jules" O'Hara (Maggie Lawson): Juliet. {Lassiter eyes her} O'Hara.
Lassiter: Hm. No sign of deception. Truth.
Juliet: See? It's working fine. Let's go.
Lassiter: One more question, one more question. Are you... what's a good question... I don't know. Are you currently dating anyone? Answer any time you like. Hm. I see you're experiencing some stress.
Juliet: I don't see what this has to do with anything.
Lassiter: Just a control question. You and I both know you're not dating anyone, right? So simple answer truthfully and we'll know the machine is working properly. Like you say it is. Unless of course you are dating somebody and you don't want to tell anybody.
Juliet: What are you getting at?
Lassiter: Nothing. I'm simply testing a potentially defective piece of machinery, and since partners don't lie or keep secrets from each other because we put our lives in each other's hands, I'm asking a question I believe I know the answer to: are you currently or have you ever been in a relationship with anyone at the station.
Juliet: Well see that's a different question.
Lassiter: Answer either one. I'm flexible.

Juliet: Well?
Lassiter: Well what?
Juliet: Well don't you think you owe me an apology?
Lassiter: You know what? You're right? I'm sorry. I'm sorry for expecting a little bit of honesty out of you.
Juliet: Ugh. We're still on that?
Lassiter: Still on what?
Shawn: Hey guys, what's going on?
Juliet: Okay, fine. I am seeing Shawn. We have been dating for awhile. We kept it from you. Does that make you happy?
Lassiter: Happy's not the word. I think we need to see the chief.
Juliet: Oh, okay, so now you want to tell on us?
Lassiter: Actually, O'Hara, I think we need to see the chief about getting me a new partner. One I can trust.

Shawn: Look, I'm strongly sensing it's not her.
Juliet: Her DNA was all over the body.
Lassiter: And she immediately invoked immunity.
Shawn: You'd use it if you could get it. It's more addictive than little crack nuggets.
Gus: And House Hunters International.

Present Day

Juliet: Okay, well as fun as this is I think I'm gonna scoot.
Shawn: No!
Gus: You're leaving? What about Jim?
Juliet: I don't even know Jim. Plus I have to work on the D.A.'s case. Lassiter and I have to testify in court tomorrow.
Gus: Lassiter's still here.
Juliet: Lassiter's sleeping.

Lassiter: Plus I've got Shawn and Gus to help me.
Juliet: I'm sorry. You're requesting to work with Shawn and Gus? What is going on? And please take those sunglasses off.
Lassiter: You put some sunglasses on!

Juliet: Shawn I didn't get any sleep last night. Aren't you going to say anything about the phone call you made to me? It's kind of a huge deal.
Shawn: Phone call... Yes. Of course. Obviously. It is huge, isn't it?
Juliet: Does Gus know about this?
Shawn: Why... wouldn't he? Something of this magnitude.

Juliet: You asked me to move in with you.
Shawn: Lassiter killed Williams.
Juliet: Lassiter killed Williams?
Shawn: Move in? We've only been together for like four months.
Juliet: Again: Lassiter killed this man?
Shawn: I don't think he did. Not anymore.

Juliet: So if you technically don't remember asking me, do you still want to move in?
Shawn: Are you kidding me? Of course I do. Of course. Why else would I be shrink-wrapping all my old sweaters to make room in the closet for yours?
Juliet: I just think you like to shrink-wrap things.
Shawn: That's true.

Juliet: Look. I don't want the future us to be dictated by something that Last Night Shawn said. So if you can look me in the eye and tell me that Today Shawn definitely wants to move in... That's what I thought.
Shawn: No, I was about to say yes.
Juliet: No, you weren't.
Shawn: I was. I was just going to use an accent and I was waffling between Scottish and Gaelic. And the differences are very subtle.
Juliet: It's fine. The fact that any version of Shawn wanted to move in is...
Shawn: Minty?
Juliet: I was going to say romantic.
Shawn: Really? So you're not terribly disappointed in me?
Juliet: Look, I'm just saying that it doesn't have to happen right now, today. Does that make sense?
Shawn: I understand. You're an incredible slob. A hoarder, right? You just live amidst stacks and stacks of periodicals and... taxidermy? Is that what you're trying to tell me?

Shawn: Listen, Jules. Just don't beat yourself up. You can't possibly be expected to control whether or not Gus and I surreptitiously follow you after you get a call during breakfast.
Juliet: But I specifically told you not to follow.
Shawn to Gus: She said farrow.
Juliet: Farrow is not a word. I said follow. {to Gus} He knows I said follow.
Gus: I wasn't there, but farrow is most definitely a word. It means to birth a calf or a litter of pigs.
Juliet: Okay, fine. Why would I ask Shawn not to birth a calf or a litter of pigs?
Gus: I don't know.

Shawn: What we're up against here is no mere mortal. I'm afraid this very well may be the work {dramatic pause} of a vampire.
Gus: Sookie is mine!
Juliet ignoring them: What are you thinking, partner?
Lassiter: Actually I'm going to have to go with Spencer on this one.

Gus: Woody, in your professional opinion, is it possible that this person was the victim of a vampire attack?
Juliet: Don't dignify that with a response.
Woody: I wasn't planning on it.
Shawn: Is it possible?
Woody: Most likely, yes.
Juliet: Woody!
Woody: It's a given, really.

Shawn: Look around. You're the fish out of water here.
Juliet: Because they're all pretending to be dead, Shawn.
Shawn: Or perhaps it is us who pretend to be alive.

Juliet: Carlton, what exactly is going on here?
Lassiter: I suppose I do owe you an explanation, partner. I owe you two nothing and you look like a couple of asshats in those ridiculous costumes.
Shawn: I'm dangerous. In a sexy way.
Marlowe: More like a gay way.
Gus: Well I'm straight-up iconic.
Marlowe: I wouldn't call Count Chocula an icon.

Juliet: Marlowe, we're going to need to talk to each of your roommates and find out which one made that call.
Marlowe: Ah, yeah, I understand. It's Eddie, Jake and Lucien.
All: Where's Lucien?

Juliet: Wow. You guys are actually devolving. Get back over here. Now!

Shawn: Edward has entered the building.
Juliet: What? Where?
Shawn: It's a classic shifting technique. It was incognito man-to-animal maneuver.
Gus: If that's correct, it looks like we may be dealing with an Elder or even worse—a diablerie.
Shawn: No!
Gus: Yes!

Juliet: God, I used to be a detective, now i'm a babysitter!
Shawn: That makes you Elizabeth Shue. Gus is Keith Coogan.
Gus: You're Coogan!
Shawn: You're Coogan!
Gus: Your momma's Coogan.

Shawn: Come on, Lassie! Let the Right Ones In, buddy!
Gus: Unless you're already undead!
Shawn: In which case, would you kindly impale yourself with a wooden stake!
Lassiter: Spencer! Guster, go away!
Juliet: Carlton, open the door!
Lassiter: O'Hara?
Henry: Give us some sort of signal you're okay. A cough or a thump of some kind!
Lassiter: Henry?
Buzz: Should I call for the battering ram?
Lassiter: McNab!

Juliet: Is he responsive at all?
Shawn: No. Nothing. We even held a plate of bean and cheese nachos in front of his face.
Henry: How much blood was it exactly, Shawn?
Shawn: Just a little stream! It's not like it was the end of Carrie. Or the beginning of Carrie.

Shawn: Sounds like you want to give this weirdo some kind of medal.
Juliet: Shawn, often times vigilantes are just good people who want to take back their neighborhood from a bad element.
Shawn: Sure. Charles Bronson. Real charmer. Eastwood in Gran Torino. There's a guy you wanna hop in the tub with.

Juliet: You have to admit, he's done a better job than we have of slowing down the Caminos, and he's just one guy.
Shawn: I'm just one guy. And I've solved more crimes than I can count. Because I've solved a lot of crimes. Not just because I can't count very high.

Juliet: I just gave you a set-up containing Mr. T, Crockett and a word that rhymes with Mork. And I got nothing. Not even a Battle of the Network Stars joke.

The Mantis: I also have reason to believe that a huge drug shipment to the Caminos is imminent.
Shawn: Ha! We already know that one. Suck it!
Juliet: Shawn, we're all professionals.
The Mantis: Oh yeah? You suck it!
Shawn: You suck it! What kind of man takes off another man's pants in a smokey boiler room? I'm on to all your little tricks, man.

Juliet: He really deserves all the credit.
Lassiter: I wouldn't say that. Not that it isn't true, I just wouldn't say it.
Shawn: Oh come on. You might like it if you try it.
Lassiter: I would rather spend the rest of my life at Lillith Fair.

Shawn: The Catch can not be stopped! {he runs off}
Juliet: What? Where are you going? Shawn?
Gus: Dagnabit, Shawn.

Juliet: I'm gonna leave before he does something truly embarrassing. {Shawn tosses home base}
Gus: Too late.

Shawn: Let me get this straight. Lassie solves a case without any help. And throws a party for himself to celebrate?
Juliet: I am proud of him. And I think that his hard work should be congratulated.
Gus: I'll eat to that.
Shawn: You'll eat to anything.
Gus: You know that's right.

Gus: Does he think the TV can hear him?
Juliet: At this point it's a strong possibility.

Shawn: Don't worry, Jules. I have a keen understanding for the inside of mental hospitals.
Juliet: Watching Girl, Interrupted six times doesn't make you an expert.
Shawn: No, but seven does. Gus and I Netflixed it again last night.

Juliet: They have a pool here?
Shawn: Heated. And a gym with full nautilus. And a music room. And a leather tooling class. Spoiler alert: I'm making you a wallet.
Juliet: Oh my god. This is worse than my nightmare. You like it here.

Juliet: Where's Shawn?
Gus: Still at the hospital.
Juliet: Why did you leave him?
Gus: I was fired and immediately escorted off the property.
Juliet: Fired for what?
Gus: Well, after I helped Nurse McElroy calm down Bethel, I ran into Vivian and one thing lead to another and before you know it, we were holding hands. And then somebody ratted us out. I have a feeling it was that weasel Wendell, but I can't rule out Frank.

Juliet: That was the hospital. Shawn just broke Bethel out.
Lassiter: That's your boyfriend.
Juliet: I know.

Florida, 1990

Mrs. O'Hara: Juliet, the party's almost over. I don't think Daddy's coming, sweetie.
Young Juliet: He's coming. I know it.
Mrs. O'Hara: Okay. But it's a little rude to stay in here all day. And hey, your clown's leaving soon.
Young Juliet: He can't even juggle.

Present Day

Lassiter: Idiots.
Juliet: What he said.

Juliet: Shawn, we talked about this. The subject of my dad is off-limits. Look, he missed most of my birthdays anyway. It's really complicated and... well, he's just not really presentable.

Juliet: Do you have any idea how completely inappropriate it is that you went behind my back and invited him here?
Shawn: Yeah, but I only did all of this to show you that you are completely wrong. He's totally presentable! He's got a giant house and a yacht.
Juliet: He doesn't have any of those things.
Shawn: Gus, back me up here.
Gus: He's rich and awesome and powerful.
Juliet: He's not rich and he's not powerful. He's a con man.

Gus: Um. Since I'm not really involved with this— {he slides away}
Juliet: Oh, you're not going anywhere, Gus. {he slides back}

Shawn: I know I'm in the doghouse.
Juliet: Or, you're not in the doghouse.
Shawn: I'm not?
Juliet: No, you're going to have to work really hard to make it into the doghouse.
Shawn: So I'm in the yard. Which is still an enclosed area. Unless I'm in the pound. Jules, am I in the pound? Where's Gus? Is Gus with me?
Gus: Why do I have to be in the pound?
Shawn: So they get adopted together like two inseparable wienie dogs.

Juliet: I thought I was clear before. The only people allowed here are the people working the case.
Mr. O'Hara: But Jule, I am working the case.
Juliet: What are you talking about? Shawn, what is he talking about?
Lassiter: This is awkward.

Juliet: It is extremely frustrating to be constantly ignored. In fact, it's getting a little hurtful, Shawn.

Juliet: You are such a coward.
Mr. O'Hara: There's no need for that.
Juliet: Actually there's a long overdue need for it.

Juliet: What really breaks my heart is that you won't be there for all the moments to come.
Mr. O'Hara: You don't know that, Juliet.
Juliet: Yes I do. Because that's my choice. And I don't want you there.
Mr. O'Hara: You don't mean that.
Juliet: Sadly, I mean every word. Because I feel cheated. I feel robbed. So congratulations, Frank. Your longest con of all was on your own daughter.

Juliet: Where are the ginormous ponies?
Shawn: You mean horses. Apparently they're very expensive to rent and they poop a lot.
Juliet: Oh, good call.

Juliet: If you need absolutely anything else please don't hesitate to call.
Nicole (Diora Baird): What's your number?
Gus: I was going to ask you the same question.
Juliet: Gus, please. This woman may have witnessed a crime.
Gus: A crime in progress. She's stealing my heart. But I ain't pressing charges.

Juliet: Wow. I would like to apologize for my creepy colleague.
Nicole: No need. I find his energy soothing.
Gus: Really? Your silhouette should be on a mud flap.
Shawn: That's the weirdest flirting I've ever heard.

Juliet: Don't go anywhere near this one.
Gus: Why's that?
Lassiter: Because Janis Joplin over there is crazier than Janice Dickinson.

Juliet: Did you get a good look at the car?
Shawn: Yes, I did. Dark blue sedan. No license plates. Or license plates.

Juliet: Why are you gazing into each other's eyes?
Shawn: We're not... doing that. It's just a routine forehead check. Reciprocated.

Shawn: Look, Jules, I know you have very definite expectations for this weekend.
Juliet: What do you mean?
Shawn: Well you sent me an email on the fifth saying, "Shawn, I have very definite expectations for this weekend."
Juliet: Right. To which you responded, "Slumber party. Nudie times. Drinky drinky."
Shawn: That's my out of office reply.

Juliet: We're going to have fun, relax and most importantly, no work. For two whole days I am not a cop and you are not a psychic.
Shawn: Come on, you know I can't just turn it off like that.
Juliet: Okay. Just... {she does the temple thing} none of this.

Shawn: Why are you inviting strange couples into our vacation?
Juliet: Because that is what adult couples do. They make vacation friends.
Shawn: Why do we need new friends? I have Gus. You have... whoever your friends are.

Juliet: What's your damage, Spencer?
Shawn: What is my damage? I'm gone five minutes and all the sudden we're swingers? What is this, The Ice Storm? Who are those people?
Juliet: They're just people!
Shawn: That's the worst kind.

Clive: Baby, you look ravishing this evening.
Shawn: Baby, all your facial parts are in the right spots.
Juliet: Thanks, Shawn.

Juliet: You're acting like a child, Shawn.
Shawn: I am not acting!

Shawn: You guys lied to us! You made us believe that you really liked us as people!
Juliet: And they killed someone.
Clive: Come again?
Shawn: Oh, that's true also, but it's the lying— It's the lying that's really hurtful.
Barbie: Well of all the people we've robbed, we liked you the best.
Clive: It's true. She went on and on about it the whole time we were rifling through your stuff.

Shawn: ...Jerry loses his Schlitz. That's a thing, right?
Juliet: Pretty sure that's malt liquor.

Juliet: You didn't think that when I said definite expectations that I meant... ?
Shawn: No. No no no. Of course not. That would mean I'm a complete moron.

Shawn: Well you need to check your facts, Jack. Because we are museum heroes.
Gus: So you're kind of stuck with us.
Shawn: Don't check him though. {Gus looks at him} They got your name wrong on the plaque.
Gus: Twice! The first time they called me Bruton Gaster, and then they switched it to Brutal Hustler on the new one.
Shawn: He likes it.
Gus: Well I don't mind it.
Shawn: He doesn't want them to change it.
Gus: You can call me Brutal.

Holme: He financed expeditions to the remote corners of the earth, in search of the rarest artifacts.
Juliet: I get it. He's Howard Hughes and Indiana Jones.
Holme: The terms of his will stipulates that on the fiftieth anniversary of his death—which was last Thursday—his entire collection should be removed from the Louvre and brought to the Santa Barbara Museum of Art.
Lassiter: Where it stayed for exactly one hour until your boyfriend lost it.

Juliet: Lassiter, please. Pretend you're a person.

Juliet: I'm at the Psych office, I'll be there in like ten minutes {...} Well I think they're going to follow me no matter what.

Shawn: Well Jules, my vision has told me that the hanging dude hung himself. So should I just invoice you or is there a cash machine nearby?
Juliet: Hm. That doesn't really strike me as a billable observation, Shawn.

Juliet: Alright, if you could think of one thing in the world that could make you feel better right now, what would it be?
Lassiter: I wouldn't say no to a sloppy joe.

Shawn: I'm doing everything I can to fend Melinda off. But in the end, I think my charms may prove too much for her to resist.
Juliet: You kiss her you die.
Shawn: Duly noted.