Present Day

Henry Spencer (Corbin Bernsen): My son needs my help. I think he bit off a bit too much this time.
Woody (Kurt Fuller): You don't have to tell me. I know Gus well.
Henry: Shawn.
Woody: Him too. Never thought of them as brothers though. Bit of a game changer.

Lassiter: One more question.
Shawn: If it'll make you happy.
Lassiter: I think it will. Are you psychic?
Shawn: Excuse me?
Lassiter: Are you—Shawn Spencer—psychic?
Henry: You're gonna have to answer that one, Shawn.

1991

Young Shawn (Skyler Gisondo): The answer is... No.
Henry: Wrong again. Shawn, I knew you were lying. You have to believe the lie. Don't sweat it. Feel your heart.
Young Shawn: Dad, this feels a little unethical.
Henry: Trust me, Shawn, there will come a day—unfortunately—when this might be necessary. Perhaps you'll be working undercover. Though most likely not. Now answer the questions again. But this time, first, breathe.
Young Shawn: "No."
Henry: Perfect.

Henry: Who the hell is Ed Lover?
Shawn and Gus: Come on, son!
Shawn: I apologize for my dad's life.

Chief Vick: Mr. Spencer, where are your pants!?
Henry: I'm not entirely sure, Chief.

Henry: That's a feline.
Gus: That will drink you like a juice box.

Shawn: Come on, Lassie! Let the Right Ones In, buddy!
Gus: Unless you're already undead!
Shawn: In which case, would you kindly impale yourself with a wooden stake!
Lassiter: Spencer! Guster, go away!
Juliet: Carlton, open the door!
Lassiter: O'Hara?
Henry: Give us some sort of signal you're okay. A cough or a thump of some kind!
Lassiter: Henry?
Buzz: Should I call for the battering ram?
Lassiter: McNab!

Juliet: Is he responsive at all?
Shawn: No. Nothing. We even held a plate of bean and cheese nachos in front of his face.
Henry: How much blood was it exactly, Shawn?
Shawn: Just a little stream! It's not like it was the end of Carrie. Or the beginning of Carrie.

Shawn: Alright, listen up buddy. This hurts me way more than it hurts you. {Shawn winds up and Gus punches him. Hard.}
Henry: Welcome back, Guster.

1991

Young Shawn: That's Gus. He and I are going to the comic book convention.
Henry: Just be finished saving the world before the street lights come on.
Shawn answers the door and Gus comes tapping in.
Young Shawn: Where's you costume?
Young Gus: I'm wearing it. I'm Tap Man. The tap-dancing super hero.
Young Shawn: Yeech. How is it that you always make the wrong choice between cool and stupid?
Henry: Hey hey! Shawn. Give Guster a chance to present his case for Tap Man.
Young Gus: Tap Man meets all the super hero requirements. Super power: rhythm. Alter-ego: mild-mannered dance instructor. Arch-nemesis: River Dance Man.
Henry: Wow. That is stupid.
Young Shawn: Yeah. And plus, how does he fight?
Young Gus: Well, he confuses the bad guys with his quick syncopation, and grabs the tap sand from his trusty pouch and *Splat*! Right in the eyes.
Young Shawn: Come on, Let's go. We're already late.
Young Gus: To the Tapmobile! {he taps off}
Young Shawn: Are you sure no one can tell my true identity under this?
Henry: For your sake, let's hope so.

Shawn: What do you have, doll's eyes?
Henry: You mocking me?!
Shawn: No, I am stating a fact. You need glasses. Last week you mistook me for Michael Chiklis!
Henry: That's because you were dressed like Michael Chiklis!
Shawn: First of the month. Gus and I play The Commish. You know that!

Henry: Pick it up!
Shawn: Suck it!
Henry: Out! Get out!
Shawn: Suck home plate!
Henry: You suck it!

Shawn: Dad, who wears number 42?
Henry: Izzy Jackson. Organization's top prospect. Signed a massive contract last year.
Shawn: Sweet! Let's go. {he runs off}
Henry: How long until this stuff wears off?
Gus: Hopefully in about half an hour.

Henry: Stealing the pants off a drunk guy for a urine sample? Really, Shawn?
Shawn: Hey hey hey. Look, for the record, he removed them himself. Okay? I just hooked them with a stick and then ran off as he tried to set Gus on fire. That guy parties hard.

Shawn: Hey, ump! I need a time.
Umpire: Time! {Shawn runs out to the mound}
Mel: Hey! You can't do that.
Henry in the stands: Oh this can't be good.

Shawn: Do you have any idea how ridiculous you sound?
Henry: Yes I do. Now that I've said it out loud.

Stillman: I can't shoot Wade Boggs.
Boggs: Chicken! {Stillman runs off until Henry clotheslines him}
Shawn: Nice, Dad!

Henry: Wade Boggs! I'm a giant fan.
Cal: I'm never coming back here.
Henry: Hey, Wade, when's Steve Garvey getting in the Hall of Fame?
Shawn: Fair question. That's fair.

1991

Henry: Hey Shawn. How was your day?
Young Shawn: Oh, the usual. Well, I'm headed up to my room to play Legend of Zelda.
Henry: Got a call rom your school awhile ago.
Young Shawn: Uh. You did?
Henry: Mm hm. It was the nurse and she said—and I quote, "Shawn tried to get himself declared insane today."
Young Shawn: Huh. That's weird. Wow. I must have been in a weird fog or something. Well, the good news is I'm feeling much better now.
Henry: Ah ah ah. Shawn. It's not that simple. Now your principal wants to have a discussion with me about putting you on Ritalin.
Young Shawn: Oh, that's not necessary. Let's consider this an isolated episode, okay? I'm home now, I'll get some rest. We'll pick this up tomorrow.
Henry: Didn't you have your quarterly project due today?
Young Shawn: Ah... Did I? Like I said, everything was such a blur.
Henry: Kitchen table. Now.

Present Day

Henry: Shawn does have a way of... sensing the truth.
Gus: And he's the only one of us who could actually pass for someone in need of institutionalization.
Shawn: I'll take that as a compliment.
Gus: I wouldn't.

Henry: Lassiter, Shawn's our best bet at putting Bethel behind bars.
Lassiter: Dammit. Alright, fine. But this is still my case and I'm running this operation. And I insist when we're done, he stays an extra twenty-four hours for psychiatric evaluation.
Henry: How 'bout forty-eight?
Lassiter: Done.

Shawn: Man, I wish you were my little league coach.
Henry: Hey! Hey, I was your coach in little league.
Shawn: Really? That short-fused balding guy was you?

Shawn: What happened out there today?
Henry: The other team played better.

Shawn: We've got serious business to attend to.
Henry: Serious business? You're going to the opening of a new cupcake store.
Gus: No, we're going to the closing of an old cupcake store.
Shawn: And then we're going to an opening of a new cupcake store.
Henry: Bring me back a red velvet.

Henry: You know it's a real long shot that a car would blow a red light at the exact moment your guy was standing there.
Shawn: Dad, just look. Otherwise Gus is going to end up handing out lunch meat at airports.

Henry: Listen. I'm as young on the inside as these kids are on the outside.
Gus: Yeah, but when you were that young on the outside, this was all farm land.

Henry: Are you kidding me. Neither of you thought to bring a vegetable.
Lassiter: This is a man's weekend, not a rotary luncheon.

Henry: Don't you think I'm a little old for you?
Chelsea (Arden Myrin): No, I like old men. Especially the balding virile type. You know. Terry Bradshaw... Shawn Connery. Oo. Dick Cheney.

Henry: You see my generation embraced a long forgotten value called respect. {beat} I just hope she got the text.

1991

Henry: Alright, Shawn. Say a few words, let's wrap this up so we can get this dead thing off my kitchen table.
Young Shawn: I'm not ready yet.
Henry: Shawn, not again. You left the hamster in the freezer for two months while you hemmed and hawed over the appropriateness of a burial at sea.

Present Day

Henry: He's gone. Deal with it.
Shawn: He's not gone. He's too good.
Henry: You've been hiding from the pain of death since you were a kid. Let it hurt. It's gonna hurt.

Henry: Now I'm no expert in this stuff, but there's definitely something weird going on here.
Gus: It's not haunted.
Shawn: No, it isn't.
Henry: I think it's haunted.