Present Day

Shawn Spencer (James Roday): Alright, I'm in. Describe the item.
Burton "Gus" Guster (Dulé Hill): Really? You've forgotten already?
Shawn: I'm sorry. I thought I was busy James Bonding it up in here, Gus.
Gus: It's a Star Wars toy, Shawn. Easy as that. We went through this. Twice.

Gus: Are you playing with the toys?
Shawn: Dude, this kid has Mattel Electronics Football 2. The one where you can throw passes. {to the game} Suck it, hyphen.

Gus: What happened?
Shawn: You want the good news or the bad news?
Gus: What do you think?
Shawn: "I am not your mother!"
Gus: He didn't say that, Shawn. What's the bad news?
Shawn: Drive!

Shawn: So they just bust out immunity and that's it?
Gus: They just did.
Shawn: Awesome. Put that on my bucket list.
Gus: Before or after invisible plane?

Gus: You stole a key from a kid?
Shawn: Come on, Gus, that was no kid. That was the product of centuries of inbreeding.

Ambassador Fanshawe (Malcolm McDowell): I'd like to hire you.
Gus: You can't do that.
Fanshawe: Why?
Gus: We think you did it.
Shawn: Do not.
Gus: Did before.
Shawn: Dude, that was like half an hour ago.

Fanshawe: Annabeth was trying to contact me the night of the party.
Gus: Did she say what she wanted?
Fanshawe: Only that it was about the case and that it was urgent. She sent me a cryptic text. Here. {hands the phone to Gus} "The witnesses were right."
Gus: Right about what? She'd just proven they were wrong.

Shawn: Look, I'm strongly sensing it's not her.
Juliet: Her DNA was all over the body.
Lassiter: And she immediately invoked immunity.
Shawn: You'd use it if you could get it. It's more addictive than little crack nuggets.
Gus: And House Hunters International.

Gus: That woman wears loyalty like a micro-miniskirt.
Shawn: What?

Shawn: We just wanted to talk to you, Dude.
Colin Hennessey: Then why were you shouting, I'll shoot you repeatedly in the skull when I catch you"?
Gus: That was me. I was going to shoot him.

Present Day

Shawn: Please explain to me again we're doing here. As opposed to doing anything else in the world.
Gus: We're paying respects to a man who dedicated his life's work the police department, Shawn.
Shawn: Oh please! You don't know Jim.

Juliet: Okay, well as fun as this is I think I'm gonna scoot.
Shawn: No!
Gus: You're leaving? What about Jim?
Juliet: I don't even know Jim. Plus I have to work on the D.A.'s case. Lassiter and I have to testify in court tomorrow.
Gus: Lassiter's still here.
Juliet: Lassiter's sleeping.

Gus: Oh, they're both for me.
Shawn: You don't have enough game for half of one of those women.
Gus: Please. I've got game.

Gus: What happened last night?
Shawn: Strangely, I have no idea. Wait. {he gets a lot of spinning images} Nothing. Weird. Disjointed. My finger-to-eyebrow device is broken. It's never happened to me before. My memory is completely blank.
Gus: Shawn, why is there a shower cap on your head?
Shawn: I'm sure there's a very easy explanation to this.
Gus: Is there a very easy explanation as to why you're wearing sandals that aren't yours?
Shawn: Where are my Nike's?
Gus: And why are you wearing a gold chain, Shawn?

Lassiter: Oh dear Lord, please tell me this is a dream.
Woody waking up: Calm down. Peaches. Come back to bed.
Lassiter: Whatever you think happened last night didn't happen, because nothing happened you got it?
Shawn: That's nice, Lassie. Way to belittle the man.
Woody: Yeah, Detective. I do have feelings.
Gus: What is all over your face?
Woody: I can't be sure. {checks} Oh god. You didn't see a small Colombian with a hook for an arm, did you?
Gus: No.
Woody: Why do you have a black eye?
Lassiter: Okay. It's nothing to freak about. Everybody relax. It's no big deal, it's just a small shiner.
Shawn: Lassie's absolutely right. His lover's spat with Woody is really none of our business.

Shawn: Uh oh.
Lassiter: My baby! Son of a— . It's missing three bullets. I can tell by the weight. It's three light. It's been fired.
Gus: Shouldn't someone start freaking out right now?

Gus: Okay. If no one else is going to freak out, then I will. {he freaks out}.
Shawn: It's just a minor ding, buddy. You can only see it because the sun's hitting at that angle. Isn't that right, Woody?
Woody: I don't feel right inside.

Gus: Shawn was wearing the dead man's sandals!
Shawn: Huh. I was hoping you guys didn't notice that.

Lassiter: Okay. First off, I didn't realize peyote stayed in your system so many years. I have only myself and my then-girlfriend Lollypop to blame. Secondly, Guster, your cholesterol is really high!
Shawn: Man, I told you eating something called "stick of butter in a bun" was a bad idea.
Gus: I can't help it, Shawn. My body craves buttery goodness.

Gus: Last Night Gus had some serious game.
Shawn: I'll be damned, I think I owe you an apology.

Bobo's Donuts: Come on. Look at me. Does it look like I'm going around trying to bed a bunch of Desperate Housewive-types? Like that's my thing. 'Cause they can't get enough of this.
Shawn: I'm drawn to you in a weird sort of way.
Gus: Maybe they recognized you from Children of the Corn.
Bobo's Donuts: Maybe they recognized you from The Cosby Show, Bud.
Gus: I'm not Bud!

Chief Vick: This is Scott Williams. Age 44. Caucasian. Found dead in his car off San Viejo Drive.
Gus: That's right down the block from Bobo's Donuts!
Chief Vick: What bearing does that have, Mr. Guster?
Shawn: Fun fact. Gus is making a book of them.

Shawn: Remember when we talked about inside voice?
Gus: I'm using my inside voice.
Shawn: Okay, now it's time to learn about no voice.

Chief Vick: Excuse me, may I help you?
Ed Lover: My beef ain't with you, lady. I need to talk to these two cats right here.
Shawn: Mother of God.
Gus: It's Ed Lover.
Chief Vick: Mr. Spencer, what is Ed Lover doing in my office?

Ed Lover: I guess your mother never taught you about taking another grown ass man's bling.
Gus: Wait, that's your bling?
Ed Lover: That's my brand, playa.
Gus: Dude, you took Ed Lover's bling?
Shawn: I would never do that, I swear!
Ed Lover: Come on, son. You know damn well you swiped my ultra bright while I was on the dance floor gettin' my freak on.

Henry: Who the hell is Ed Lover?
Shawn and Gus: Come on, son!
Shawn: I apologize for my dad's life.

Chief Vick: Listen, Mr. Guster, we're all happy that you can manage to captivate the honeys, or whatever it is. But right now, you are on my time.
Gus: Can you hold on one sec? {to the chief} Actually, Chief, I'm on my time. I almost lost my life an hour ago, and I'm sick of it. Last Night Gus had it right. And I don't want to sit here wasting another moment when I could be living the life I was meant to live: balling and shot-calling. So if you don't mind, I'm gonna keep it one hundie and take this call.
Shawn: Buddy—
Gus: Sorry, Shawn. It's hard out there for a pimp.
Shawn: That's true, Chief. He's gotta make money for the rent.

Gus: Can I squish your face?

Shawn: Listen, Jules. Just don't beat yourself up. You can't possibly be expected to control whether or not Gus and I surreptitiously follow you after you get a call during breakfast.
Juliet: But I specifically told you not to follow.
Shawn to Gus: She said farrow.
Juliet: Farrow is not a word. I said follow. {to Gus} He knows I said follow.
Gus: I wasn't there, but farrow is most definitely a word. It means to birth a calf or a litter of pigs.
Juliet: Okay, fine. Why would I ask Shawn not to birth a calf or a litter of pigs?
Gus: I don't know.

Shawn: That dude's awfully pale.
Gus: Abnormally pale. Especially since he's only been dead for—
Shawn: Check the neck. Check the wrist.

Shawn: Gus. No blood. Puncture wounds.
Gus: Abnormally pale. What? Do it! Do it! Or better yet, let me do it. I'll do it!
Shawn: Settle down. You're not gonna do it. I wish I had a bigger audience.

Shawn: What we're up against here is no mere mortal. I'm afraid this very well may be the work {dramatic pause} of a vampire.
Gus: Sookie is mine!
Juliet ignoring them: What are you thinking, partner?
Lassiter: Actually I'm going to have to go with Spencer on this one.

Shawn: You know, you weren't nearly this pumped when we thought we were chasing a werewolf.
Gus: I'm not trying to get devoured by a hairy famished beast, Shawn. But I will whip me some lithe, wispy vampire ass.

Gus: Woody, in your professional opinion, is it possible that this person was the victim of a vampire attack?
Juliet: Don't dignify that with a response.
Woody: I wasn't planning on it.
Shawn: Is it possible?
Woody: Most likely, yes.
Juliet: Woody!
Woody: It's a given, really.

Gus: Charlatan!
Bartender: Look who's talking. Count Chocula over here. Please.
Gus: Charlatan? You must be out of your damn mind!
Shawn: What did I tell you? No one remembers Blacula except for us and Quentin Tarantino.

Juliet: Carlton, what exactly is going on here?
Lassiter: I suppose I do owe you an explanation, partner. I owe you two nothing and you look like a couple of asshats in those ridiculous costumes.
Shawn: I'm dangerous. In a sexy way.
Marlowe: More like a gay way.
Gus: Well I'm straight-up iconic.
Marlowe: I wouldn't call Count Chocula an icon.

Shawn: Hold up. Will King Putt honor an expired two-for-one Groupon: yes or no?
Gus: Shawn! This is serious. Listen, on the third hole I usually putt up the right side, bank through the rubber bumpers, but I still keep getting nailed by the swinging mammaries.
Lucien: Those aren't mammaries. They're the bells on the end of a jester's cap.
Gus and Shawn: Really?
Lucien: Yes. It's putt-putt. For kids.

Shawn: Edward has entered the building.
Juliet: What? Where?
Shawn: It's a classic shifting technique. It was incognito man-to-animal maneuver.
Gus: If that's correct, it looks like we may be dealing with an Elder or even worse—a diablerie.
Shawn: No!
Gus: Yes!

Juliet: God, I used to be a detective, now i'm a babysitter!
Shawn: That makes you Elizabeth Shue. Gus is Keith Coogan.
Gus: You're Coogan!
Shawn: You're Coogan!
Gus: Your momma's Coogan.

Shawn: Did I just see what my brain is telling my eyes I just saw?
Gus: Is that a cape?

Gus: Mr. Spencer, if I may. What we're looking at is someone capable of vamp speed. Or present-space quantum leap.
Shawn: Blacula gives a shout-out to Bakula.

Henry: That's a feline.
Gus: That will drink you like a juice box.

Shawn: Come on, Lassie! Let the Right Ones In, buddy!
Gus: Unless you're already undead!
Shawn: In which case, would you kindly impale yourself with a wooden stake!
Lassiter: Spencer! Guster, go away!
Juliet: Carlton, open the door!
Lassiter: O'Hara?
Henry: Give us some sort of signal you're okay. A cough or a thump of some kind!
Lassiter: Henry?
Buzz: Should I call for the battering ram?
Lassiter: McNab!

Shawn: Alright, listen up buddy. This hurts me way more than it hurts you. {Shawn winds up and Gus punches him. Hard.}
Henry: Welcome back, Guster.

Gus: I'm hungry like a mug.
Shawn: You're hungry like a what?

1991

Young Shawn: Where's you costume?
Young Gus: I'm wearing it. I'm Tap Man. The tap-dancing super hero.
Young Shawn: Yeech. How is it that you always make the wrong choice between cool and stupid?
Henry: Hey hey! Shawn. Give Guster a chance to present his case for Tap Man.
Young Gus: Tap Man meets all the super hero requirements. Super power: rhythm. Alter-ego: mild-mannered dance instructor. Arch-nemesis: River Dance Man.
Henry: Wow. That is stupid.

Young Shawn: Yeah. And plus, how does he fight?
Young Gus: Well, he confuses the bad guys with his quick syncopation, and grabs the tap sand from his trusty pouch and *Splat*! Right in the eyes.
Young Shawn: Come on, Let's go. We're already late.
Young Gus: To the Tapmobile! {he taps off}

Present Day

Gus: This is all your fault, Shawn.
Shawn: You're the one that blew my cover.
Gus: No one told you to open the car door and set off the alarm.
Shawn: Why was the alarm on? We were still inside the car.
Gus: Inside the car not getting car-jacked and brutalized, thank you very much.

Shawn: Just hurry up. We catch these guys, we're heroes.
Gus: No, we catch these guys we'll be dead.

Shawn: This is the last time I let you use your fast-twitch muscles as an excuse for anything!
Gus: You and I both know that's not true.
Shawn: Dammit.

Lassiter: What the hell's this?
Gus: He's too cheap to pay the caricature artist at the pier thirty dollars so he decided to get one this way.
Lassiter: That'll be all. {to Shawn} You are done wasting our time.
Shawn: I'll say when I'm done! Alright, I'm done wasting everyone's time.

Spinny Headline: Masked Stranger Saves the Day Again / Psychic Detective Spencer Trips
Gus: See? It's easy to read no matter how you spin it. I'm telling you, I'll never buy a real paper again.
Shawn: I can't believe you told them I tripped. You tripped.

Shawn: I have a comment! I was tripped by my clumsy assistant, Watson Williams.
Gus: I am not your assistant and my name is not Watson Williams.
Shawn: Oh. But you do admit to tripping me.

Gus: He's clearly emulating the everyman super heroes, like Batman and Iron Man. Besides, you shouldn't criticize the guy without knowing his origin story.

Shawn: It's on, Mantis!
Gus: I'm not The Mantis, Shawn.
Shawn: You're damn right you're not. You could never be The Mantis.
Gus: You've got problems.

October 26

Lassiter: The Mantis took out four perps. Single handedly.
Gus: Again, without a gun or needless bloodshed. That is classic super hero moral code.

Gus: Whoever this brother is, he's going to be hard to spot.
Shawn: You can't just assume he's a brother because he's all mysterious and smooth.
Gus: You'll see. He's either a brother or Persian.
Shawn: I can't talk to you when you're like this.

Shawn: That's quite a grip you have there, Scott. You must work out.
Scott Reynolds (Joey McIntyre): A little.
Shawn: Nah. Come on now. Feels like more than just a little. Doesn't it, Gus?
Gus: Shawn.
Shawn: Feel it.
Gus: I'm not feeling it.
Shawn: Feel the man's fitness.
Gus: I'm not feeling—
Shawn: Do it.
Gus: Fine.

Shawn: It's definitely him.
Gus: So what do we do next?
Shawn: I should probably go throw some lunch meat at the guys in the drunk tank.
Gus: After we prove he's The Mantis?
Shawn: No, we do that first.

Shawn: First. I used a classic combat distraction mode.
Gus: You went boneless, didn't you?
Shawn: I used my entire body as a weapon. After an epic—very evenly matched fight—he sucker-punched me. I woke up with the fire alarm blaring, wearing that ridiculous painted-on costume, which means... he saw me in my underwear.
Gus: You mean like on Diff'rent Strokes?
Shawn: Yes, Gus. Just like Diff'rent Strokes.
Gus: That's not cool.

Gus: You had everybody fooled there for a second. Even though if you were The Mantis, I was going to have to bring back Tap Man.
Shawn: It's still the stupidest idea for a super hero ever.

Shawn: I guess I'm just a little giddy now that my nemesis has been exposed for the fraud that he was. And yes, I realize using the term "giddy" is a bit facetious, because the truth is, I am tickled pink.
Gus: The mantis is not your nemesis, Shawn. You don't have an alter-ego, a cool suit or a tragically-ironic origin story. You're just a hater.

Gus: We're here actually to help— Pow!
Shawn: Clear your— Bam!
Gus: Because we know— Oof!
Shawn: We know that you were— Leg swipe!
Gus: Cozened!— Slam!
Shawn: Nobody knows what cozened means. Slam!
Gus: Cozen is a fairly common word, Shawn.
Shawn: Why can't you just be a normal person and say—
Gus: Framed? We know you were framed?
Reginald: You do?
Gus: Yeah.

Gus: Okay, so what really happened to the guy on the rooftop of the Baine building?
Reginald: That was Carlos Jacott. He's my inside man with the Caminos.

Gus: Shawn, I thought you said we were going to just scare them away. They don't seem scared to me.
Shawn: That's because you just went up on your toes and started dancing!

Shawn: The Catch can not be stopped! {he runs off}
Juliet: What? Where are you going? Shawn?
Gus: Dagnabit, Shawn.

Shawn: Give me those sleeves!
Gus: Make me.

Umpire: You're outta there! Game over!
Lassiter: Son of a...
Gus: This guy!

Juliet: I'm gonna leave before he does something truly embarrassing. {Shawn tosses home base}
Gus: Too late.

Mel Hornsby (Danny Glover): Look at you. Former bat boy, all grown up.
Shawn: Gus, it gives me great pleasure to introduce Mel Hornsby. Manager of the Seabirds.
Gus: Oh wow. That sounds like the coolest job ever.
Shawn: It's a minor league baseball team. Not the actual birds.
Gus: Oh.

Shawn: We'll help you, Mel. But in order for me to investigate properly I'm going to have to get on the inside. I mea deep on the inside.
Mel: I'm not making you my shortstop.
Shawn: Third baseman. Utility infielder? Lefty situational reliever?
Gus: You're right-handed, Shawn.

Gus: I'm not dressing up as that mascot again. That was humiliating.
Shawn: Oh come on, Gus. You killed it, man. Didn't you hear the crowd go nuts when you did the Worm?
Gus: That wasn't the Worm.
Shawn: I'm sorry, the Centipede.
Gus: It wasn't the Centipede either. I was dealing with an itch on my stomach. I think that suit has fleas.

Shawn: Oo! Macadamias.
Gus: I'm pretty sure those are old chickpeas.
Shawn: Why would he leave those out!
Gus: Because he's dead.
Shawn: That's no excuse, Gus.

Shawn: Oh look, Gus. Grady really did coach with some of the greats. It's a picture of him and Tito Jackson in a baseball uniform.
Gus: That's Rod Carew.
Shawn: Agree to disagree.

Gus: Are you feeling okay?
Shawn: Actually I feel pretty terrific. Like super duper focused.
Gus: Why are you staring at my ear?
Shawn: I don't know, but I can't take my eyes off it.
Gus: Why are you talking so fast?
Shawn: Why are you hearing so slow?

Gus: Shawn, enough. I need you to focus right now.
Shawn: Buddy, I'm not sure I'm capable of anything else. I'm locked in your ear again.

Gus: Wait a second. Izzy's taking greenies. Don't they test for that stuff?
Shawn: Yeah. But it's pretty easy to get around those tests.
Gus: How?
Shawn: I can pass one tomorrow by simply taking some of your urine, putting it in a cup, and swapping it out with my urine.
Gus: I would not let you touch my urine.
Shawn: Oh, you're not the friend I thought you were.

Izzy Jackson (Ken Luckey): Hey, you're the new mascot, right? You do a killer Worm.
Gus: I actually had mange.

Shawn: Oh man, are you a sight for sore eyes, Cal. Man, I can't believe you're back here playing for the Seabirds.
Cal: Yeah, nor can I. After the Rangers cut me it was either sign up here or get some lousy job like selling pharmaceuticals.
Gus: That's a noble profession.

Cal: I gotta tell you, man, I would do anything to get back into the big leagues. I just feel like I got something left in the tank, you know?
Shawn: You bet your butt you do. And I'm gonna help you get back, Cal.
Gus: You are not a real coach.
Shawn: And you are not a real person.

Gus: Last night you said, "Let's steal this guy's pants and the investigation will be over."
Shawn: Look, just for the record, usually when I say that it turns out to be the case.

Gus: You know what really sucks? Being a classically-trained tap dancer that's being forced to perform the macarena in front of a bunch of liquored-up townies while wearing a flea-infested Seabird suit.
Shawn: Since when are you classically-trained at anything?

Shawn: Do you have any idea what this man has accomplished? For seventeen seasons, he ate chicken before every single game.
Boggs: I also won five batting titles and was a twelve-time allstar.
Gus: Grilled or crispy?
Boggs: Very funny.
Shawn: No. Gus never kids around about food.
Gus: Nope.
Boggs: Mostly crispy.
Gus: Wow. That's impressive.
Shawn: See what I'm saying?
Gus: Wow.

Gus: I know you think that I know stuff, but I can assure you, that I don't. In fact, if you promise not to shoot, I can take you to the guy who really knows stuff. And then you can shoot him. In fact, I may help you.

Stillman: Why aren't you in Oakland, Eason?
Cal: I was gearing up for the game and something kept eating at me. Mel couldn't have hit Izzy because he bats right-handed. Came back on a hunch, turns out I was right.
Gus: And all you brought was a baseball bat?
Cal: I said it was a hunch. Give me a break.

Shawn: Let me get this straight. Lassie solves a case without any help. And throws a party for himself to celebrate?
Juliet: I am proud of him. And I think that his hard work should be congratulated.
Gus: I'll eat to that.
Shawn: You'll eat to anything.
Gus: You know that's right.

Shawn: For starters, he made that banner himself.
Gus: Yeah, but the craftsmanship more than offsets the megalomania, Shawn.
Shawn: Alright, fine. He put crime scene photos above the punchbowl.
Gus: It's called theming.

Gus: Does he think the TV can hear him?
Juliet: At this point it's a strong possibility.

Henry: Shawn does have a way of... sensing the truth.
Gus: And he's the only one of us who could actually pass for someone in need of institutionalization.
Shawn: I'll take that as a compliment.
Gus: I wouldn't.

Gus: Let me ask you something. If a dude kisses a crazy woman who thinks she's a dude, is it the same thing as a dude kissing a crazy dude?
Shawn: That's the most ridiculous thing you've ever asked me. And yes.

Gus: That didn't go the way you saw it in your head, did it?
Shawn: Not completely.

Juliet: Where's Shawn?
Gus: Still at the hospital.
Juliet: Why did you leave him?
Gus: I was fired and immediately escorted off the property.
Juliet: Fired for what?
Gus: Well, after I helped Nurse McElroy calm down Bethel, I ran into Vivian and one thing lead to another and before you know it, we were holding hands. And then somebody ratted us out. I have a feeling it was that weasel Wendell, but I can't rule out Frank.

Shawn: Lavender? Really?
Nurse McElroy: My parents were hippies.
Gus: Evil hippies.
Shawn: Aren't they all.
Gus: You know that's right.
Shawn: They set stuff on fire.
Gus: "Accidentally."

Shawn: How the hell did he get in?
Gus: You were supposed to check the house, Shawn.
Shawn: I wasn't checking the house. You knew I was waiting over there to scare her.

Chief Vick: So what's the story with these guys?
Lassiter: This group of thieves hit West Medical Supply earlier this morning, made off with a couple dozen oxygen tanks.
Shawn: Because of the Great Oxygen Drought.
Gus: Hold your breath, people. Do your part.

Gus: "Not presentable". What does that mean?
Shawn: I'll tell you what it means. Juliet has a problem and, as the man, it's my job to fix it.
Gus: I don't think that's what it means.

Mr. O'Hara: So Burton, how long have you been a single man?
Gus: How do you know I'm single?
Mr. O'Hara: How much time do you have?

Shawn: Come on. Foghorn needs Leghorn.
Gus: They're the same rooster, Shawn.
Shawn: Exactly.

Gus: Um. Since I'm not really involved with this— {he slides away}
Juliet: Oh, you're not going anywhere, Gus. {he slides back}

Shawn: So I'm in the yard. Which is still an enclosed area. Unless I'm in the pound. Jules, am I in the pound? Where's Gus? Is Gus with me?
Gus: Why do I have to be in the pound?
Shawn: So they get adopted together like two inseparable wienie dogs.

Mr. O'Hara: I'll take that one.
Gus: It's a three hundred thousand dollar Bentley. Everyone will take that one.

Shawn: We've got serious business to attend to.
Henry: Serious business? You're going to the opening of a new cupcake store.
Gus: No, we're going to the closing of an old cupcake store.
Shawn: And then we're going to an opening of a new cupcake store.
Henry: Bring me back a red velvet.

Gus: I want to die and come back as that peach scarf.
Shawn: What? I thought you wanted to come back as the skinny Elvis.
Gus: No, you wanted to come back as Skinny Elvis. I wanted to come back as black Michael Jackson.
Shawn: And now you're downgrading to a scarf?
Gus: You know that's right.

Juliet: If you need absolutely anything else please don't hesitate to call.
Nicole (Diora Baird): What's your number?
Gus: I was going to ask you the same question.
Juliet: Gus, please. This woman may have witnessed a crime.
Gus: A crime in progress. She's stealing my heart. But I ain't pressing charges.

Juliet: Wow. I would like to apologize for my creepy colleague.
Nicole: No need. I find his energy soothing.
Gus: Really? Your silhouette should be on a mud flap.
Shawn: That's the weirdest flirting I've ever heard.

Juliet: Don't go anywhere near this one.
Gus: Why's that?
Lassiter: Because Janis Joplin over there is crazier than Janice Dickinson.

Shawn: I don't know, man. As much as I like to zig when Lassiter zags, I'm feeling pretty zaggy. So what do you say we hit the Museum of Lactose Intolerance like you've been wanting to.
Gus: No can do, Shawn. I feel a case coming on. And it's coming hard.
Shawn: That's the creepiest euphemism of all time.

Nicole: Wait, I do remember something about the victim. He had a very heavy presence.
Gus: That's good.
Shawn: It's not great.
Gus: Yes, for this conversation it is.

Shawn: I'm telling you, man, there's something seriously strange about these people.
Gus: Like what?
Shawn: Like maybe... it's a cult?

Gus: These plums are God's candy.
Shawn: Okay, if God meant for them to be candy, then why did he invent candy? Huh?

Shawn: Dude, this is like Footloose! Brawling with townies. That means I'm Bacon and you're Lori Singer.
Gus: Why do I have to be a girl?
Shawn: Because you just swung like that.

Shawn: Isn't that the same car that tried to run down Nicole?
Gus: Yes, but that doesn't make any sense. Pierce is in custody.
Shawn: That means Pierce isn't the killer. And the killer just got here.

Gus: Um Shawn. Why am I wearing [baller] beads around my neck?
Shawn: 'Cause you're a fool.
Gus: Are you ever going to let me forget about this?
Shawn: No I am not.

Nicole: Love will abound, Gus.
Gus: My love doesn't abound like that.
Nicole: But it can.
Gus: But it won't.

Shawn: Make sure you water my plants thrice daily, but do not talk to them. Because once they get started they will not stop. Especially Jim.
Gus: Jim's the ficus?
Shawn: He is indeed.

Shawn: Read my thoughts.
Gus: I don't know how to do that.
Shawn: Yes you do. Ready?
Gus: Fine. Waffles!
Shawn: My god, it's crazy. That's exactly what I was thinking. It was just a test. Ready?
Gus: Still waffles.
Shawn: Dammit! One more time.

Lassiter: Do what I do. Put your laundry outside and blast the place with Right Guard.
Gus: Your girlfriend's gonna wish she stayed in prison. Don't you usually see her on Saturdays?
Lassiter: Yeah, but she got thrown in solitary for dry gulching a homegirl in the chow line. She sure hates cutsies.

Henry: Listen. I'm as young on the inside as these kids are on the outside.
Gus: Yeah, but when you were that young on the outside, this was all farm land.

Gus: Shawn, this is the fourth vacation you've paid for on my credit card.
Shawn: How are my plants?

Gus: Chelsea, it was pleasure meeting you, but I need to head to Ojai to kill my best friend in the world.
Lassiter: And I need to help him bury the body.

Gus: You never ever tell a crazy woman where you are.

Gus: I think after this weekend, I can go without seeing you guys for awhile.
Lassiter and Henry: Agreed!

Gus: We take our handheld entertainment very seriously.
Security: Well that's your business.

1991

Present Day

Gus: You wanna explain this?
Shawn: Ah... yes. I would like to very much. But we are so late, Gus. And these coffee cups are not going to put themselves away.
Gus: You take a trip with the intention of proposing and don't tell me, your oldest and blackest friend?
Shawn: I called you eight times on that trip!
Gus: I'm not letting you off on a technicality, Shawn.

Christopher Holme (John Rhys-Davies): What are you doing here anyway?
Gus: We're always here whenever a valuable shipment comes in.
Shawn: To sense trouble.
Gus: And collect a check.
Shawn: But mostly sense trouble.

Shawn: Well you need to check your facts, Jack. Because we are museum heroes.
Gus: So you're kind of stuck with us.
Shawn: Don't check him though. {Gus looks at him} They got your name wrong on the plaque.
Gus: Twice! The first time they called me Bruton Gaster, and then they switched it to Brutal Hustler on the new one.
Shawn: He likes it.
Gus: Well I don't mind it.
Shawn: He doesn't want them to change it.
Gus: You can call me Brutal.

Shawn: I think what this woman is trying to say here, Gus, is that you can suck it.
Jacqueline Medeiros (Mädchen Amick): No, I'm not saying that.
Shawn: I'm paraphrasing.
Gus: Do you even know what paraphrase means?
Shawn: It means, "Suck it please, Gus."
Gus: It doesn't mean "suck it please, Gus."

Shawn: The cops don't even have the kind of firepower we need.
Gus: Dude. If you suggest Batman one more time I will pull out your eardrums.
Shawn: I was talking about a pro, Gus. A pro's pro. I've already called him and downloaded him on the situation.
Gus: Really. And who might that be?
Pierre Despereaux (Cary Elwes): Somebody call for an art thief?

Gus: You look ridiculous.
Shawn: You're just jealous 'cause there's no black dudes in Raiders.

Shawn: What was that thing?
Despereaux: It's a Civil War-era dagger. Only about five hundred of them were made.
Shawn: Really? What's it worth?
Despereaux: Oh, about nine thousand dollars maybe.
Gus: Do they know that?

Lawyer: He left you the bulk of his possessions.
Gus: No no no thank you. Those are instruments of crime and probably all stolen.
Shawn: I'll take this though.
Gus: You can't have it.
Shawn: What are you, my boss?
Gus: I'm your conscience.
Shawn: Tony Cox is my conscience.

Gus: Can we delay the funeral?
Lawyer: Are you serious? It's a matter of... the smell.
Gus: Too stinky, Shawn.

Gus: Please don't say any of this, Shawn.
Shawn: I'm not saying it. I'm rapping it.

Shawn: If we learned anything from FX and FX2 it's that anything can be faked. And Brian Brown cannot carry a movie.
Gus: What about Full Body Massage?
Shawn: We both know why we rented that.

Gus: Don't you think your take on this is a little easy?
Shawn: Easy? Yes. But life is easy, Gus. If you really want it to be.

Gus: No one crosses me. I believe you have something of mine.
Shawn: What, did I borrow your socks?
Gus: We scoured the lake and the wreckage and it was nowhere to be found, which means it can only be in one place.
Shawn: David Lee Roth's beach house.
Gus: Give me the dagger.
Shawn: I don't have it.

Gus: What the hell happened? And why does she think we have the dagger?
Shawn: Oh, I don't know. Maybe {he pulls the dagger out with some effort} because of this.
Gus: You had that in your pants?
Shawn: I swiped it off Despereaux at the bucket before we split off. You know what that means.
Gus: You're not going after the core collection, are you?
Shawn: No. We are!

Gus: This is a trap, Shawn. You push the wrong thing, and a giant rock comes spinning through here. Or spikes come up the ceiling and then the next thing I know, I'm the skeleton locked in the perpetual scream that scares some dude a hundred years later for the joke. My skeleton is not going to be a punchline, Shawn.

Despereaux: It's gotta be Rembrandt's unfinished portrait of Alexander the Great! It was rumored Yerden had it for years!
Shawn: Or perhaps it's a Thomas Kinkade.
Gus: Shawn, you really need to learn another painter.
Shawn: Yeah, like that's ever gonna be necessary.

Shawn: Think about it, fellas. This man traveled to the ends of the earth, risking everything to find beautiful things made by others. One unattainable goal that he would never achieve was to be the object of one of those searches. To have someone go on a quest like ours for his works. To be the prize at the end of a journey.
Despereaux: Perfect.
Gus: It's narcissistic.
Despereaux: In the biggest way.
Shawn: I like the one with the cat.
Despereaux: Still crappy.

Gus: So?
Shawn: Nothing suspicious. I'm going to have to go rogue and fabricate something to get us in on this one.
Gus: How is that different from usual?
Shawn: I'm completely sober.
Gus: You're an idiot.
Shawn: I could eat.
Gus: Me too.

Lassiter: I'm here because I have a... situation at my new condo.
Shawn: Dead hookers.
Gus: Robot cockroaches.
Lassiter: I heard things.

Lassiter: You understand why I'm upset, right?
Shawn: Lassie, we have to be prepared for any and all scenarios.
Gus: Including ones that may involve spirits, shades or sprites. Even thought we know it's not any of that.

Amy (Sara Rue): Who are your friends?
Shawn: Shawn Spencer, psychic detective, SBPD. This is my partner, Fellatio Del Toro.
Gus: We're investigating a haunting in Lassiter's new condo.
Amy: Wow. That's some good skinny. I gotta get up to this floor more often.

Gus: That'll be one thousand dollars.
Lassiter: Fine. So the creepy twins live in the building. But I haven't touched my chairs since someone or something put them on top of the table.

Gus: Why did you send us a 911 text when we were just upstairs?
Woody: No, it was a 7-11 text and I was hoping you could bring me a Slurpee or a quesadilla in the shape of a tube.

Woody: The blood wasn't human.
Gus: Chupacabra?
Shawn: Dead robot hookers?
Woody: Some kind of animal. One with abnormally high triglycerides and what appears to be an STD.

Shawn: So you're aware of the unexplained phenomena in unit 536.
Lloyd: The business in unit 536 ain't unexplained.
Shawn: That's what we were thinking. I told you we came to the right dude.
Gus: We think someone is trying to scare Carlton Lassiter out of 536.
Lloyd: You're right. And I know who the culprit is. Condo 536.
Shawn: Hm.
Gus: I think we're done here.
Lloyd: Wait wait. I've seen it. Sound-minded men move in there. Then they begin to unravel. Before you know it, they're delivered into the mouth of madness. Condo 536 has a curse within its walls.

Henry: Now I'm no expert in this stuff, but there's definitely something weird going on here.
Gus: It's not haunted.
Shawn: No, it isn't.
Henry: I think it's haunted.

Gus: Mr. O'Hara.Yes, Shawn has bent the truth on occasion, but he's as decent as they come. In fact, he's the type of guy I'd want my daughter to bring home. Provided he was mostly black. And God-fearing. And she wasn't really my daughter.
Mr. O'Hara: I'll think about that. That's very sweet.

Shawn: I'll pitch him on all my genius reality ideas.
Gus: No no, Shawn. Please don't. All your ideas sound insane.
Shawn: You must be out of your damn mind. "Punk My Mom." "The Girl With the Bear." "So You Think You Can Think You Can Dance." "Don't Touch That: It's Infected." These are all slam dunks.

Hilton Fox: Hm. It does not look good for you, Homey.
Gus: That's alright. Everybody knows that as the only brother on the show I get a free pass through the first round.
Hilton Fox: Then she dumps you like it was the end of her semester abroad.

Gus: Just let him get his patties on the grill. There's no way we can't eat and investigate at the same time.

Gus: If someone removed footage where would it go?
Shawn: Outer space I believe. Right, Steve?
Rollins: Ah no. That's not correct.

Gus: Shawn, I don't know about you, but the last time I checked I wasn't faster than a plane.