Steve Crosetti: Mr Becker ducked. But he didn't duck good enough.
Meldrick Lewis: Lost art, ducking.

Perp: I'm telling the truth. You don't believe me?
John Munch: Frankly, I liked the Jamaican story better. It had a nice Elmore Leonard ring to it.

Stan Bolander: They all remember long blond hair.
Munch: Great. We can arrest Axl Rose.

Munch: A million people died in the potato famine. Ireland is an island. An island by definition is surrounded by fish. A million people died because they didn't like fish.

Beau Felton: Bayliss. Out of our seven perverts, four are in jail, two have alibis and one... turns to Howard is actually the perfect guy for you.

Tim Bayliss: There's no such thing as a stupid question. At least, right now we'll pretend there isn't.

Munch to Bolander: Your partner Mitch. Has sex with goats.

Felton: We've been on night shift for a week. Every night someone lights this candle by the board.
Giardello: You're a detective. You solve it.
Felton: A homicide detective. Someone kills the candle, I'll close the case.

Bolander: When I was young, codependent relationship was a good marriage.

Crosetti: You got toilet paper over there?
Lewis: No.
Crosetti: You got... five ones for a five?

Gee: That's what they tell someone in prison just before they punk them. Are you trying to punk me here?

Cop: No wonder you guys can't solve a murder.
Munch: Well I wouldn't solve yours.

Munch: yelling out into squadroom We're gonna neutron this little bastard!

Bolander: I am allergic to idiocies and foolishness.

Pembleton reading note in dead woman's hand: Oh! Ed did it.
Police Woman: He did, did he?
Pembleton: That's what the note said. "Ed did it."

Gee: to Munch I want the paperwork on that double-suicide. I don't care if it's in rhyming couplets. I want it finished.

Pembleton: You're not Catholic and you took communion?
Bayliss: Yeah. Is that wrong?
Pembleton: If my god wins, you're screwed.

Munch: What if I fail and all our dreams crash and burn?
Bayliss: It's very simple then. Meldrick and I will harm you.

Emma Zoole: I would love to bronze your head.
Bayliss: I beg your pardon?

Answering the phone on Christmas.
Munch: Ho-ho-ho-homicide!

Pembleton: Son, I don't usually find myself giving advice. Especially to fourteen-year-old killers. But please listen to me just this one time. Keep your ass to the wall, and don't trust anybody, don't help anybody, don't ask anybody for anything.

Pembleton: You know, sometimes you're funny. Then there's now.

Pembleton: We're not engaged. So don't act like I left you at the altar.

Bayliss: People get started late.
Munch: Right. It's nine o'clock. They're probably home watching the X-Files.

Kellerman: You know, he shouldn't leave a department vehicle running like that.
Lewis: Yeah. Could get stolen.
Kellerman: Lieutenant said take the first car in.
Lewis: We shouldn't.
Kellerman: You're right.
Lewis: Grand theft auto, baby.
Pembleton: You sons of bitches!

Russert: So, Mary's pregnant?
Bayliss: Oh no. I didn't say that.
Russert: Frank is your partner and I'm a detective and you're a bad liar.

Munch: If a murder is committed in Baltimore and no homicide detective takes the call, did that homicide actually occur?

Lewis: Hey, look. It's Mr. Sunshine!
Everyone: Frankie!
Pembleton: Oh, no, no. I'm tired of being the only one around here who gives a damn. You're looking at the new Frank Pembleton. Budding Republican and practicing selfish bastard. Savior of no one but himself. to the bartender Shot of Gold Natty Bo. This is the new me.

Bayliss: You never say please. You never say thank you.
Pembleton: Please don't be an idiot. Thank you.

Bayliss: I'm a detective, Frank. I'm a keen observer of the human condition. I pick up on the subtlest clues, I react to the slightest suggestion. In short, I deduct.
Pembleton: Who told you?
Tim Bayliss: Brodie.

Cox: Don't you even wonder why?
Munch: Why what?
Cox: Why he lied.
Munch: I'm a Homicide Detective. The only time I wonder why is when they tell me the truth.

Kellerman: I just want you to know that I'm here for you. if you want a hug, I'd be happy to give you one.
Bayliss: A hug?
Kellerman: Yeah.
Bayliss: Do you and Lewis hug?
Kellerman: Yeah.
Bayliss: A lot?
Kellerman: No, not a lot.
Bayliss: But enough.
Kellerman: What do you mean?
Bayliss: Well, do you want Lewis to hug you more?
Kellerman: Forget I brought this up.
Bayliss: No, no, no. You brought up the hugging thing.

Lewis: ...He told me, don't you ever let some knucklehead stand on your corner and shame you. 'Cause once you've done that, you're done as a beat cop. So what he suggested I do, was that I take out my billy club and smack him upside the head so hard that everybody who heard it knows who had the last word. Luther, you're on my corner.

Kellerman: You sure you want me with you?
Bayliss: Yeah sure, why not?
Kellerman: I don't know. Uh, last time we worked together you were kind of snarky.
Bayliss: Snarky?
Kellerman: Yeah, snarky. You know, from the ancient Greek, meaning butthead.

Pembleton: Okay, we got multiple chest wounds, an open door... and a weapon halfway across the living room.
Cox: It's going to be hell writing this one up as a suicide, I'll tell you that much.

Kellerman: There's no absolutes in life. Only in vodka.

As he shoots Luther Mahoney to death.
Kellerman: You have the right to remain silent.

Pembleton: Where's Brodie?
Munch: PBS aired his documentary. He won an Emmy.
Bayliss: An Emmy? They give those things to anybody.

Munch: Without metaphors, what are we left with? We have a riddle, surrounded by a mystery, wrapped inside of an enigma and stuffed inside a body bag.

Munch: Hey partner, ready to roll?
Kellerman: I gotta run to the dentist; I cracked a filling.
Munch: Which part do you hate the worst? The rubber dam they put in your mouth to open it or the sound of the drill?
Kellerman: I think the worst part is when I scream like a little girl.

Gaffney: If I was running his shift, I'd be offering you a transfer.
Lewis: Respectfully speaking sir, if you were running his shift, I'd be taking it.

Lewis telling Brody to begin videotaping a crime scene: Cecile B. DeBrody...

Bayliss: Look, it's not a permanent thing. I'm not asking for a long term commitment.
Munch: I understand. You stayed with Pembleton for six years. He broke your heart, and now you're just looking for a one-nighter, huh?
Bayliss: Yeah, something like that.