Season 5

Yes, Then Zero

Serena: Marshall, remember when you said I could observe filming one day before the shoot was over?
Marshall (Ethan Peck): Shoot’s not over ’till next week.

Serena: How did you guys end up here? And who’s boat is this?
Nate: This is Allegra Versace’s. Chuck won it in a poker game in Chiang Mai. He won Allegra too, but that’s another story.

Serena: Woah. Usually when you smile like this you look like a creepy Cheshire Cat. But this one is real. What is your secret and if it’s legal I want some.
Chuck: It’s not a substance. It’s a state of mind. A word.
Serena: Let me guess, a dirty word.
Chuck: “Yes”.
Serena: Yes, it’s a dirty word?
Chuck: The word is Yes. I say it at anything. If an opportunity presents itself I take it. There’s nothing I won’t try once. Even happiness.
Nate: He’s very inspiring. I’ve been saying all summer he should run an infomercial.

Blair: The first meeting was a disaster, S! He conceded to Sophie on everything. It was so out of control you would have thought he was Italian.
Serena: Well finding a balance between your mother and your fiance has got to be tough. I’m sure he’s just trying to keep the peace the best he can.
Blair: Stop being so rational and trying to see both sides. I haven’t even told you the worst part yet. They want me to wear Sophie’s dress. Not just on the day, but in Vogue Paris too. Hand-me-downs are for charity and second children.

Jane (Michael Michele):Serena. Are you looking for marshall?
Serena: No, you actually.
Jane: I hope it’s to tell me why you didn’t follow up after our first meeting. I didn’t scare you away, did I?
Serena: No no, I just didn’t want to step on Marshall’s toes.
Jane: Why not? Keeping him on them is what David hired you to do. If it weren’t for you, he wouldn’t have even read the book.

Serena: Wait, have you seen my friends? {cue Chuck jumping up off a building}

Serena: Oh! I forgot to ask you, how was the audition?
Nate: Well after I told them I wasn’t an actor, they said that’s too bad because you’d be perfect as a kid from an East Coast political family who’s constantly manipulated while trying to keep everyone around him happy. They told me that.

Nate: Sometimes I wish I could just reinvent myself. You know?
Serena: Well you’ve come to the right place. Everyone in Hollywood reinvents themselves.

Marshall: I need this job more than you do, okay? I paid for my life. I have student loans, rent, a car lease. I can’t afford to get fired.
Serena: And I can?
Marshall: You’re Serena van der Woodsen. You do one lap around this party you’ll get ten job offers. You weren’t even looking when you found this one.

Serena: If I wasn’t so intent on proving my worth I wouldn’t have fallen for it. But I did. I’m sorry. You can tell Jane I’ll clear out my desk in the morning.

Chuck: Serena, you accepted responsibility without hesitation for maybe the first time in your life. And Nate, you had more fun not being you than you’ve had actually being you. Which means you now know you need to change.
Serena: Is it just me, or is what he saying actually making sense?
Nate: Maybe we’re not awake yet.

Chuck: Nate, I know you think I must be dying inside because Blair is marrying another man, but we let each other go. So stop doing stuff like this and start focusing on yourself. And you. Even though this part of your journey may have come to an end, it showed you there’s a world out there that you never knew existed. One you want to be a part of.
Serena: Have you ever thought about writing a book?
Chuck: People like me don’t write books, they’re written about.

View all quotes from Yes, Then Zero

Beauty and the Feast

Dan: I was wondering if you could share some of your bank-breaking secrets with me.
Serena: Well I thought you did all of your scheming with Blair.
Dan: No, she’s not speaking to me.

Charlie/Ivy: I get that working for this producer is a huge opportunity, but what about Columbia?
Serena: Well I’m taking this semester off and I’ll see how things go after that. My only issue is living with Cece. Last night at 2am her bridge game turned brutal.

View all quotes from Beauty and the Feast

The Jewel of Denial

Serena: Woah. That is not the look of a girl in an Empire state of mind.
Charlie: Last week at Grandma’s was great, but I don’t know. I think it was a mistake to come back.
Serena: Stop worrying about your mom. Cece won’t tell a soul you’re here.

Charlie: What about Blair or Dan or… everyone else. I don’t think they’ll be thrilled to find out the psychotic freak is back in town.
Serena: Please. This place is a mecca for psychotic freaks. Everyone goes off the rails at some point around here. It’s practically a rite of passage on the Upper East Side. It’s our version of a Bar Mitzvah.

Serena: Mom, I saw her myself. She’s fine. I promise.
Lily: Well that’s not for you to decide. Carol is her mother and I’m not going to participate in deceiving her.

View all quotes from The Jewel of Denial

Memoirs of an Invisible Dan

Serena walking in: Okay, I’m pretty sure this is how every murder mystery begins.

Blair: So. now that this unnecessary meeting about America’s future doorstop is adjourned, do you want to go grab a cup of decaf?
Serena: I would love to, B, but I’m already late for work. I’ve gotta get back.
Blair: Well maybe after work then.
Serena: If this is about the book, don’t worry. Everyone loves a villain.
Dan: I wouldn’t say there’s a villain, per se.
Blair: Well I can tell you who isn’t.
Serena: Come on, every girl needs to be knocked off her pedestal a little. Can’t handle that kind of pressure. I’ll see you later.

Sam: We got an advance copy of this new book by some anonymous New York insider and everyone in town is trying to figure out who.
Serena: Well I know who. I used to date him.
Sam: Shut up. No way! You’re Sabrina? The dreamy blonde with the legs.
Serena: I guess I am.

Sam: Did you actually have cases of champagne delivered to your school?
Serena: Is that what he wrote? A friend was pulling a prank on me.
Sam: But it actually happened?
Serena: That was in high school. Keep reading. You’ll see I mature as he gets to know me better.

Sam: I told him that you’re Sabrina. I hope that’s not a problem.
Serena: No, not at all. It’s nice to play such a big part in Dan’s book. We’ve always been close.
Sam: Ugh. He must have been a saint to put up with you that long.

Sam: There’s this novel going around town with this character based on Serena. Sabrina is a totally shallow self-obsessed party girl. Yes, I finished it.
Serena: Aren’t you being a little reductive?
Jane: And ridiculous. Daniel lives on a farm in Ireland, his cow’s probably giving birth right now. And everything isn’t about Serena.

Serena: “Flighty”? “Irresponsible?” I’m gonna kill him.

Serena: Hey, do you know where Dan is? Can you believe what he wrote about me?
Chuck: Which part? Sabrina is glamorous, sexy, beautiful.
Serena: Selfish, insensitive, shallow.
Chuck: I can tell you from experience, everyone loves a villain.
Serena: Yeah, I told Blair the same thing. But then I realized if that’s true, why are you always alone?
Blair: Not one word! Have you seen Dan?
Serena: No, have you?
Both: Did you see what he wrote me?!
Serena: No, I didn’t have time to read all of it. Just the parts about me.
Blair: Me too.
Chuck: Check the study.

Serena: I could lose my job over this.
Blair: I could lose my fiancée.
What?

Serena: Is this what you’ve been trying to tell me all day?
Blair: No, because it never happened. {to Louis} It never happened!
Louis: I don’t believe a word you say! You said yourself that Dan has no imagination.
Dan: Okay, thanks. But Louis, it didn’t happen.

Dan: I’m sorry you’re not hurt.
Serena: No, not hurt. Mystified. In high school, you were the only one who saw me for who I really was. Or who I wanted to be. You helped me be somebody that I was more proud of.
Dan: I didn’t know.

Dan: If you can’t tell the difference between what I did to Blair and what I did to you, then maybe your portrayal in the book is more accurate than you thought.
Serena: That sounds exactly like something Dylan Hunter would say.

Blair: I wish I was telling you this at a better time, but… I’m pregnant.
Serena: What? Oh my gosh, Blair! That’s amazing. Wait, that’s good news, right?
Blair: Well I was happy. So happy. But now, what if I’m in this alone.
Serena: No. You’re not alone. Ever.

Jane: I want this book.
Serena: Well here it is.
Jane: I want the movie rights to this book.

View all quotes from Memoirs of an Invisible Dan

The Fasting and the Furious

Serena: Hey. Jane.
Jane: Did you lock up the film option for Dan’s book yet.
Serena: No, I just finished reading it unfortunately.
Jane: Need I remind you this is your chance to make up for blowing the Daniel Day Lewis deal.
Serena: No reminder necessary. I’m on it.

Serena: I may have overreacted about how you portrayed me in the book.
Dan: Thank you so much. You know I have to admit it’s been kind of hard. My dad and Nate and Blair still won’t talk to me.
Serena: Well things are looking up then. One down, three to go.
Dan: Never thought you’d be the first.
Serena: I am full of surprises. You know that.

Serena: Hey Jane. I swallowed my pride and outrage and did what you asked. We should have Dan’s book later today.

Jane: Why are you gossiping when a deal you’re running point on is falling apart on live television?
Serena: I’m sorry. This is Blair, my best friend. I figured maybe she could help.
Jane: This isn’t high school. This is my business. I told you not to embarrass me.

Blair: I have an idea for you: quit. Your boss is a bitch. Let’s go to lunch.
Serena: My job is important to me, B. You have six months to deal with your problem. I have six minutes to deal with mine. Goodbye.

Jane: Maybe your good friend F. Scott Fitzjackass {ugh} had you nailed in the book. If something doesn’t fall right into your lap, Serena, you don’t have a clue how to work for it.

Serena: I followed Jane all the way done to her town car apologizing, and even then I don’t think it was enough. Thank you for waiting.
Dan: I didn’t want to. You scared away everyone, and now no one wants the book.
Serena: Dan—
Dan: Your apology this morning was just strategic, wasn’t it?
Serena: Yeah. Pretty much.

Serena: I finally finished the book.
Dan: I told you, it’s not you. Yes, there are parts of you. And Daisy Buchanan. And Amy March. And Gwyneth Paltrow. Five different roles she’s played. But it’s a novel. It’s inspired by a lot of things. It isn’t speaking to some deeper truth.
Serena: Are you sure? Because I know this may sound crazy or selfish or… like I’m living in the past or something. But you were the love of my life, Dan. I don’t know, I just thought I was yours too.

Serena: When you told me you were pregnant I said that I would be there for you, no matter what, and I haven’t been. And I’m sorry.
Blair: Well you had a work crisis.
Serena: Yeah, but the truth is I was jealous.
Blair: Well if it makes you feel better marrying a prince isn’t what fairytales would lead you to believe.
Serena: No, that’s not what I was jealous about. You’re the star of Dan’s book.
Blair: Well as I said, it’s pure fiction.

View all quotes from The Fasting and the Furious

I Am Number Nine

Serena: So Mr. Screenwriter, are you ready for your first development meeting?
Dan: I think so. As long as you guys don’t want to change the ending. Or the beginning. Or all the stuff in the middle.

Jane: We’d love if you could open up the world of the Upper East Side a little bit more.
Natalie: Rich people are so hard to like. Maybe you could add someone more relatable.
Dan: I thought I did that already.
Serena: I think Dan is referring to his main character, Dylan Hunter. He’ll appeal to everyone. He starts off as an innocent from Brooklyn.
Jane: Who quotes Hawthorne and screens Fellini films? I don’t think so.

Dan: Whatever Jane sent you here to say, why don’t you just say it.
Serena: Well we both think that you should waive your right to write the script.
Dan: Why would I do that?
Serena: Because if you write it your project will be stuck in development hell.

Dan: But how can I guarantee that she’s not just going to screw it up?
Serena: Because I won’t let her. She may not know this world, but I do. And I will protect your story and you.
Gossip Girl: Careful, S.
Dan: I have your word?
Serena: You have my word.
Gossip Girl: Everybody knows the road to hell is paved with good intentions. And shady bosses.

Jane: Inside will be the next Social Network. We’re gonna Zuckerberg him.
Serena: Jane, this is unfair.
Jane: I prefer to let the audience decide what’s fair or not.
Serena: Dan is not like that. Why don’t I put a dinner on the books for all of us and this way you’ll see.
Jane: The next time I see Dan will be at Cannes when I’m shaking his grateful hand on the dais.

Serena: I gave Dan my word that I would protect him. He’s one of my best friends. Please, don’t do this to him.
Jane: It’s already done. And you know what? I’m taking you off this project. Effective immediately. Like Dan you’re just too close to it.

Diana: Jane and I have history. She doesn’t always like to be reminded of it, but it’s been awhile since I did.
Serena: What kind of history?
Diana: Some things are best left to the imagination. So, how bad do you want your problem to go away?

Diana: Aren’t you tired of swimming in Gossip Girl’s fishbowl?
Serena: Well I’d have to do it my own way.
Diana: I’d expect nothing less.

View all quotes from I Am Number Nine

The Big Sleep No More

Charlie: Maybe it’s none of my business but it seems that if you want people to read you then you need people to read about you first. Get Gossip Girl’s attention. Even a date would do it. Then steal her thunder by telling the real story on your blog.
Serena: You know you may be an evil genius.
Charlie: When I want to be.

Serena: Why are you looking for Chuck?
Blair: I have no choice! He’s trying to destroy my relationship with Louis because he knows it’s vulnerable.
Serena: I’m pretty sure the only war Chuck is waging is with his own demons.

Serena: B. Whatever you’re thinking, stop. Just work on your relationship with Louis. And let Chuck work on himself.

Diana: This is exactly why we need to work together on your blog. So Gossip Girl loses her power.
Serena: Or I just develop a thicker skin.

View all quotes from The Big Sleep No More

All the Pretty Sources

Serena: Look, Nate, you need to put your feelings for Diana aside and think of the ramifications for releasing this. This would do way more harm than good.
Nate: But it’s our smoking gun.
Serena: That’s gonna shoot you, me and all of our friends in the foot.

Serena: I’m not usually one for speeches, but I have to say how lucky I am to have Blair Waldorf as my best friend. I maybe the maid of honor, but the true honor is just knowing you, B. There is simply no one like her, no matter how hard some of your try. Congratulations to the beautiful bride. You have become the strong, confident princess I always knew you would. I love you so much and wish you and your prince nothing but happiness.

Blair: You know Louis was right. None of us here are really friends. We just pretend to be so we can get stuff to talk about behind each other’s backs.
Serena: B, I’ll admit that I saw the web page but I had nothing to do with it coming out. I actually did every I could to stop it and I thought I succeeded.
Blair: Well if you didn’t do it then who did?

View all quotes from All the Pretty Sources

Rhodes to Perdition

Max (Brian J. Smith): Why would you trust an anonymous baker when you have a master chef in your midst? You could be my sous for the afternoon.
Serena: Could we cover ourselves in flour and lick spoons and do other cute things?
Max: That’s a prerequisite.

Serena: I see you two have found each other. No need for introductions, right Max. And Ivy.
Charlie: Serena, this isn’t what it looks like.
Serena: Oh, so you two didn’t used to date?
Charlie: We did.
Serena: And you didn’t pretend like you’ve never met?
Max: We did.
Serena: And you didn’t try to convince me not to see him again because he may still be hung up on his ex, Ivy?

Cece: Enough! This is my granddaughter Charlie Rhodes. I was there the day she was born, she is my family. I don’t need any proof. I know it in my bones.
Serena: You should go before we call the police.
Max: Just remember, I warned all of you.

View all quotes from Rhodes to Perdition

Riding in Town Cars with Boys

Dan: I’m starting to understand the appeal of heroin or womanizing or whatever it is that writers do when they can’t write.
Serena: It’s hard to find inspiration when you’re not trashing your friends, huh?
Dan: Well at least I don’t have the added pressure of it being turned into a movie. So thank you for that.

Serena: That’s great about the second print of Inside. You’ll be able to figure out the afterword.
Dan: I’m not so sure though. I’ve never been stuck like this before.
Serena: What? It seems like an amazing opportunity to see how the book changed you, how it changed everyone.
Dan: Did it really change anyone?
Serena: Yes! Seeing where our characters ended made us realize exactly where we didn’t want to be. nate didn’t want to be half a person and now he’s running The Spectator. And Chuck went from dying alone to therapy.
Dan: What about you?
Serena: Well I thought I’d change my ending by getting the job with Jane or this blog, but the truth is I’m still making horrible decisions in my love life.

Serena: You know the truth is I don’t think I ever got it right before Dan. Or since then. Besides Nate he’s probably the only good guy I’ve ever dated.

Serena: Telling her your feelings is not going to change your ending, it’s just going to mess with hers.
Dan: Well listen, the fact is, this doesn’t concern you at all. I’m going to talk to Blair. And even if it’s the biggest kami kaze disaster of my life, it’s my disaster—it’s my ending. So please, stay out of it.

Serena: What’s he doing?
Nate: Looks like he’s helping Chuck and Blair finally be together.

Dan: You were right. She didn’t need my confession, she needed my help.
Serena: Wow. That’s a really amazing thing to do, Dan.
Dan: Yeah well. It wasn’t easy. But I do think that I can give myself a new ending by making sure Chuck and Blair get the ending they deserve. I want her to be happy.

Dan: So what do you want to do?
Serena: I want to finish what Diana started. I want to take Gossip Girl down for good.
Nate: I’m with you. I think we should use The Spectator to do it.

View all quotes from Riding in Town Cars with Boys

The End of the Affair?

Serena: I hope you’re coming to the Spectator party tonight.
Dan: After Nate finally forgave me for diminishing him to half a Derek in my book? I’m not going to miss this chance to support him.

Nate: Serena, there are thousands of unread messages here.
Serena: Yeah. I hoped if I ignored them long enough people would get the point. I guess they haven’t.

Nate: If you don’t start posting them they’ll go back to Gossip Girl. Or someone worse.
Serena: My blog is about my own experience, not using information to hurt people.
Nate: Yeah, well the least you can do is read them.

Serena: I hope you’ll focus on getting your fiancée to come to the party tonight. She could really use a night out with people who care about her.

Serena: B. What’s going on? I feel like we’ve barely talked since you got back.
Blair: Wedding planning has been all-consuming.
Serena: You’ve had your wedding planned since you were twelve. Whatever it is, you can tell me.

Serena: That’s why you cut Chuck out of your life? B, that nurse wasn’t an angel.
Blair: I know that. But… one minute he was dead and then I made a promise and he was alive.
Serena: That wasn’t a miracle. That was modern medicine.

Blair: There’s no way out of it. If anything ever happened to Chuck I would feel like it was my fault. I made a vow to marry Louis and that’s what I’m going to do.
Serena: You can’t base the rest of your life on one desperate moment. God doesn’t punish people for being in love.

Dan: I swear to you, we are not having an affair.
Chuck: Then what the hell are you doing?
Serena: He’s having a relationship with me.

Serena: The photos of Dan and Blair made me realize it’s not the secrets that cause the problems, it’s the assumptions that people make about them.
Nate: So are you saying what I think you’re saying?
Serena: Yeah. I’m going to go through all the emails and see if there’s a positive way from me to use what’s in them.
Nate: You know what that means. You’re basically the new Gossip Girl.
Serena: New and improved.

View all quotes from The End of the Affair?

Father and the Bride

Dan: This fake relationship is costing me a lot of money. I know that Blair asked us to stay together to keep Louis from getting suspicious, but I mean coffee in Brooklyn is half the price and it tastes better.
Serena: Well haven’t you learned if you want the world to think you’re doing something you have to do it on Madison Avenue. And eight dollar cappuccinos are the price you pay.

Simon/Schuster Guy: Your fans are crying out for a sequel to Inside. Frankly, so’s your publisher.
Dan: Yeah, I mean I don’t know who’s interested in hearing that story anymore.
Simon/Schuster Guy: Well your girlfriend Serena’s article about you two went up less than an hour ago and there are already over a thousand comments.
Dan: Um. Yeah, I was really hoping to stretch on this one.
Simon/Schuster Guy2: Then take a yoga class.

Simon/Schuster Guy: Write about what you know. And keep on dating Serena. At least until the next book comes out. It’s great press.

Serena: You wanted to see me?
Nate: Yeah. You’re fired.
Serena: Are you kidding?
Nate: You went behind my back and launched your column when I told you we weren’t ready.
Serena: Oh, we weren’t or Gossip Girl wasn’t? I saw her email.

William van der Bilt: I think we’ve heard enough. Thank you, Nate.
Nate: Oh, don’t thank me, thank Serena. It was her idea.
Tripp: What the hell’s going on?
Nate: Well we knew you wouldn’t admit to anything so Serena and I staged that little argument on Gossip Girl. We figured you’d try to pin the accident on someone else just like you did two years ago when you left Serena in that car.
Serena: Did you really think I’d talk to you again? Never mind take your side against Nate’s.
William van der Bilt: You were really going to try and pin this on Maureen?
Nate: I’m not pinning anything. It was Maureen.

Dan: While we’re alone, there’s something I need to say.
Serena: Are you fake breaking up with me?

Blair: I know Louis loves me, but sometimes I wonder if he understands me. But reading this is exactly what I needed to go into our wedding sure of my choice.
Serena: Can I be a little jealous?
Blair: You may.

View all quotes from Father and the Bride

G.G.

Dan: Once Blair and Louis say, “I do” then Serena and I can say we don’t anymore and go back to just being friends.
Rufus: Well at the very least this whole thing is probably a distraction from any Graduate thoughts you might have.
Dan: With Blair? No, any thoughts of her running off with me are long gone. If anyone’s in danger of pulling a Braddock, it’s not me, it’s Chuck.

Dan: “Mrs. Grimaldi”? What is going on, is this happening?
Serena: Well it better be, otherwise all those commemorative plates are for nothing.

Serena: How does it feel to have everything you’ve ever wanted?
Blair: You tell me. I saw you with Humphrey this morning. Has all that fake connection sparked a real one?
Serena: Not exactly.
Blair: Serena van der Woodsen! You didn’t tell him I said you could stop pretending?
Serena: I just thought, what’s the harm in waiting until the wedding?
Blair: The harm is that you are falling further while he has little to no clue.
Serena: No one is falling anywhere.
Blair: I saw how you were looking at him this morning.

Serena: B, are you sure you feel right about all this? Because I am totally prepared to make a run for it with you if that’s what you want.
Blair: I have made peace with my decision. And so should everyone else.

Serena: I know that it scares you and I know that it’s a risk, but don’t enter into a false life just because you’re scared to face the real one.

Blair: Despite everyone’s protestations I’m going through with this. Serena, will you please tell everyone I’m ready to begin.

Serena: Chuck, wait.
Chuck: Don’t worry. I’m leaving.
Serena: No, that’s not what I was going to say. You need to know something. Something that if Blair knew I was telling you she’d probably never speak to me again.

Serena: I think I may have just done something really bad.
Dan: What’d you do?

Serena: You expect us to believe you were just an innocent bystander?
Georgina: I never said I was innocent. I just like to watch. And while I love our annual showdowns as much as anybody, if you’re looking for someone to blame for what just happened you’ve got the wrong girl.
Serena: Come on, Georgina.
Georgina: Sure I made the video Gossip Girl played, but I didn’t send it in. I left my camera with Chuck thinking he’d show the Prince and they’d have a duel at dawn for what’s left of Blair’s virtue. Or maybe some royal fisticuffs. Whatever those are.

Serena: About before—
Dan: Oh, you mean what Georgina said? Forget it, she’s crazy.
Serena: No, I owe you an explanation.
Dan: Okay. Go ahead.
Serena: I’m sorry I lied and made you carry on our… whatever it was longer than we had to.

Serena: Nate was right about grand gestures. We all need to make them in our lives. So here’s mine: I love you, Dan Humphrey. Always have, always will.
Dan: Serena.
Serena: No. You don’t have to respond now.

View all quotes from G.G.

The Backup Dan

Eleanor: Serena, Blair seems happy, doesn’t she? With Louis?
Serena: Of course. I mean she loves Louis. She’s a Princess now so, you know, as soon as that soaks in she’ll be beyond happy.

Serena: Dan said Blair left with Louis. Maybe we’re overreacting.
Georgina: You’re not. Dan’s lying. He’s gotten pretty good at it too.

Serena: I’m sorry Blair wasn’t here. I know you were hoping she’d run to you.
Chuck: I should have known it wasn’t her. I need to make peace with the fact that it’s over. Whoever released that video killed whatever chance I had with her.

Serena: Oh my god, Blair wants a divorce.
Dorota: That is my hope. Before I was locked in closet, Mr. Louis was calling and calling. He said he want to find Miss Blair and get her help she needs. Which in romance novels means locking her forever in tall tower.

Blair: It was you who sent in that video to Gossip Girl?
Chuck: And set me up to take the fall.
Serena: Yep. Yeah, fine. It was me who did it. But I did it for the two of you.
Blair: You ruined my wedding? For me? I know you never believed in my pact, but this wasn’t your choice to make.
Serena: I didn’t do it to hurt you, Blair. But you choosing to run away with Dan, knowing how I feel about him and not telling me any of it, that hurt too.

Dan: Are you really mad about Blair or is this about us, about what you said at the wedding, because I haven’t given you an answer yet?
Serena: You just did.

Dan: If you’re looking for Serena, she’s on her way back to the city.
Blair: I was looking for you. I want to apologize. Everything you said was right. I could never have survived this last month without you. I also know you wrote those vows.
Dan: Well, you know, Louis asked me to. I just tried to write down what I assumed he would love about you.
Blair: Well you did a great job. It’s pretty obvious you care way more about me than Louis. As a friend of course.
Dan: Of course.
Blair: And I care about you too. Even if I have odd ways of showing it, like bossing you around or making fun of your hair. Seriously, you should cut it already. Thank you for helping me. And I really am sorry for maxing out your credit card and not reading your book.
Dan: Listen, you have much bigger problems to deal with. Speaking of, what now?
Blair: I know what I have to do. But I just need to know that you’ll be there for me.
Dan: Always.

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Crazy, Cupid, Love

Blair: I will not allow us to go on living like this together. The way I see it, I am mad at you for sending out that video of me and Chuck to Gossip Girl and you are mad at me for running off with Dan, so they cancel each other out. Actually, yours was way worse—I only needed a ride—but the point is—
Serena: Blair, I didn’t release the video to Gossip Girl.
Blair: You took the fall for us?
Serena: It seemed like the right thing to do at the time.

Dan: Blair’s trying to set me up with Serena, which reminded me I didn’t exactly have a great time in high school. So I’m not eager to relive it.
Nate: Before you say no, think about this. There’s gonna be grown women here dressed like school girls.
Dan: I know, I’m sorry. I can’t make it. If it makes you feel any better I will totally sign your yearbook.
Nate: No, it doesn’t.

Blair: I sent Serena to look for you. Am I just setting her up for disappointment?
Dan: Do you really want us to get back together?
Blair: I just want you to be happy. Tell me what would make you happy, Dan.

Dan: That kiss, it wasn’t like last year. You kissed me back. I felt it.
Blair: It doesn’t matter what you think you felt. Because Serena’s my best friend and I would never do anything to hurt her. I’m sorry if I gave you the wrong impression. Have a Happy Valentine’s Day.

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Despicable B

Lily: I know! We’ll have a big family dinner her tonight to celebrate our victory in court. And I’ll invite a reporter from the New York Social Diary to dispel all the rumors of family strife.
Serena: You think the way to handle this is by inviting the media into our home?
Lily: I’ll find a way to get Rufus here. You bring Lola.

Serena: I just found out that Lola’s not my cousin but she’s my sister. Which means Dad was having an affair with Carol while you were still married.
Lily: How did you hear this?
Serena: Well Dad lied to me about being out of town and then I saw him with Lola. And then Nate just told me that Lola spent the morning with her father.
Lily: Well there still could be some other explanation.
Serena: No, no, this is the explanation. It explains everything. Carol hiding Lola from us, hiring Ivy to be her. You know in your heart that this is the truth.

Lily: I want you to put this out of your mind, plaster on your best happy face and go get ready for the party. Will you do that for me?
Serena: If that’s what you want.

William: I’m sorry for not being truthful with you today. And for cheating on your mother all those years ago.
Serena: That’s between you and mom. But you lied to me today to protect Lola. You left me when I was four years old, and when I tracked you down you wouldn’t even see me. All I ever wanted my whole life was a father and all you ever did was avoid me. And now when you find out about Lola you just rush to be by her side. Well you broke my mom’s heart. And now you just broke mine.

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Raiders of the Lost Art

Dorota: Miss Serena, all you do all day is type type type. You take laptop with you everywhere. It not healthy.
Serena: Well after last week’s family meltdown, this laptop is the only thing keeping me sane. Writing is my new outlet. You should be happy for me.
Dorota: If you say so. But Vanya say same thing about Warcraft and then DSL bill comes.

Chuck: Diana lied to me. She’s not my mother. I think she’s covering for my father. Well, my real father Jack.
Serena: Chuck, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know.
Chuck: That book is the only chance I have at tracking Jack down.
Serena: Well what can I do?
Blair: Be with us, not against us.
Serena: You have me, one hundred percent.

Serena: Why would you help me?
Lola: You ever heard the expression, “The devil you know”?

Serena: This isn’t my first rodeo.
Lola: No but it’s mine. And it’s awesome.

Serena: My computer’s gone.
Lola: Gossip Girl. She took it.
Serena: What? How do you know that?
Nate: Because we set you up.

Serena: The old Gossip Girl hurt people but I’m different.
Nate: No you’re not, Serena. Just look at what’s happened to you. You’ve cut yourself off from everything and everyone you care about. That’s not right.
Serena: Neither is tricking me.
Nate: Yeah, well go ahead and blame me but I did this to help you. Not to hurt you. Either way it’s over, the real Gossip Girl is back.

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The Fugitives

Blair: Guess what I found out this morning?
Serena: B, I know what you’re going to say. But first I really want to tell you—
Blair: Dan turned down the opportunity to spend the summer in Rome with the world’s literary luminaries. And do you know why? Because he’s scared of leaving me here with Chuck. Can you believe it?
Serena: Sort of.
Blair: I mean the most important thing in a relationship is trust. After sex. And hygiene. And earning potential. Wait. What did you think I was going to say?
Serena: Ah… I mean, it’s not important. Nowhere near as important as Dan and Italy and his trust issues. We should get coffee and you should tell me more about it.
Blair: Wait. Okay, using a very generous grading curve and rounding up—because I like your outfit—that lie was a C+ at best. What is going on?
Serena: Something I’ve been wanting to talk to you about for awhile now. I’ve been posting on Gossip Girl as Gossip Girl. For a couple of months now.
Blair: What? How is that possible?
Serena: When Georgina left town she gave me her laptop and it had a direct link to the Gossip Girl server, passwords, the software, everything.
Blair: S, you had me at Georgina, but I can’t believe it. Why didn’t you tell me?
Serena: I don’t know. I felt like it was something I had to keep secret from everyone. I mean, my best friend even. I know it was wrong and I’m so sorry.
Blair: I mean I could have helped. Sealing fates, forging destinies. Like an imperious Greek goddess. Imposing her will on the guileless masses. But I was wondering why Gossip Girl was being so nice to me lately. And a little off her game. No offense.
Serena: So you’re not mad?
Blair: I am furious with you! For not sharing your good fortune and omnipotence. But right now I have to go replace my mother’s La Mer before she returns from Paris and discovers I’ve used it all.

Blair: I’m with Chuck.
Serena: B.
Blair: No it’s not like that. He needs me. He’s going through an extremely difficult time right now.
Serena: Yeah, of course he is. Especially if it means taking you away from Dan to be with him. And you just told me Dan is having trust issues.
Blair: I know, but this is life or death. And other than not being able to say where I am, what I’m doing or who I’m waiting for, I honestly have nothing to hide. Well Dan needs you too and you can’t be two places at once.
Serena: You’re right. I’ll be right there. Whatever news he has I’m sure it won’t take that long to relay.

Serena: What was Dan’s big surprise?
Blair: It was more of an ambush. He got into this writing program in Rome and he wants me to go with him the entire summer.
Serena: How dare he! Blair, that’s amazing.
Blair: I told him I had to check my calendar to buy some time to think.
Serena: What’s there to think about? Rome for the summer sounds like a dream.
Blair: Not for Romans. The whole place will be crawling with Americans.
Serena: And you can be two of them.
Blair: But it’s a big decision. And spending last summer at Louis’ side I was hoping to do my own thing.
Serena: So your indecision has nothing to do with Chuck?
Blair: Absolutely not. My concern for him at this time is about something entirely unrelated.
Serena: Which you can’t tell me about. B, I hate being out of the loop.

Chuck: What have you done?
Serena: Okay, someone has to tell me what’s going on here.
Nate: We couldn’t let her get away without any consequences. She’s done nothing but deceive all of us, including you. It just wasn’t right.
Lola: Yeah, we’re sorry we messed up your deal but this was beyond business. It was personal.
Chuck: You have no idea how personal. I made that deal with her so she would help get my father out of hiding.
Serena: Your father. You mean Jack.
Chuck: Bart. He’s alive.

Dan: Where the hell is Blair? If she didn’t want to go to Rome with me she should have just said so.
Serena: Something came up.
Dan: Is she with Chuck?
Serena: No, of course not. She’s with Eleanor. But she knows how important this is and she really wants to go. So she sent me in her place.
Dan: You’re not really helping.
Serena: I don’t know. He just said we made an interesting couple.
Dan: Not in a good way.

Blair: Thanks S. You really are my best friend.
Serena: I love you, B.
Blair: I love you too.
Serena: Speaking of which, think it’s time to tell Dan how you feel about him?
Blair: He told you about that? I’m not ready. I really want the next person I say it to to be the last.

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The Return of the Ring

Blair: It’s bad enough you read my diary, but to publicly expose my naked thoughts is unconscionable.
Serena: B, I was never going to publish them. I just wanted to know I could. I was upset about you and Dan. And I’m so sorry. I never thought Gossip Girl would steal my computer with everything on it.
Blair: Well I took Dan’s phone so he wouldn’t see anything but I’m just postponing the inevitable if she keeps releasing pages.
Serena: I wouldn’t worry about Dan. He’s a writer. He knows that diaries are all about exploring thoughts. Like all those terrible things you said about me. That’s not how you really feel.
Blair: It is now.

Serena: Just be the bigger person and don’t read any of them. Stay off Gossip Girl, okay?

Serena: You knew how important that job was to me. And I was on the verge of getting another one.

Blair: Summer job on a film set versus exposing all my secrets. No, I’m not sorry.

Blair: “I’ll never love Chuck again after what he did tonight. He’s a monster. He deserves to be alone forever.” I was waiting for that one. You happy now? Now that I’m as alone as you are?
Serena: I’m only alone because of you. You had your prince and you had Chuck. You didn’t need to take Dan too.
Blair: I didn’t take Dan. That’s not how relationships work. You would know that if you’d grown up at all since high school.
Serena: Oh come on, Blair. You’re the one that can’t move on. You’re still in love with Chuck and you still won’t admit it.
Blair: Get out! I mean it. I want you gone for good. Pack your things.
Serena: You can’t hold me responsible for everything bad in your life.
Blair: I can. Because you are. The best time I ever had was when you were gone six years ago. Leave your key with Dorota.

Serena: Blair’s dirty work can wait.
Penelope: She fired me. I’m on the way to meet everyone at Michael Jordan’s Steak House for the Shepherd’s divorce party.
Serena: Alright, well there’s been a change of plans. You’re not going to that. And neither is Blair. And you and your friends are going to see to it.
Gossip Girl: That’s the problem with hired help. They’ll work for anyone.

Serena: You look just as beautiful in black as you did in white.

Serena: Don’t you see, Dan? The Blair that you’re in love with isn’t the real Blair. It’s the one you created in your book. And she’s always loved Chuck. She just used you to get between us because she knew that I loved you.

Dan: I’m busy.
Serena: I never meant for you to get caught in the crossfire of my battle with Blair. I deleted the video so no one knows about it and no one got hurt. And please don’t act like you’re innocent here. I mean it was mutual. We both used each other.
Dan: I was trying to escape my own pain and you were trying to destroy your best friend. Those are two different things.
Serena: I’m sorry for how it happened, but I love you Dan. And I don’t think that you would have done what you did if you didn’t still have feelings for me. And now there’s nothing standing in the way of us.
Dan: Serena, there is no us. There’s only you. And now that our parents are splitting up I never have to see you again.

Zeke: I’m Zeke, by the way.
Serena: I don’t care what your name is.

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