GG: There's plenty of upside to being the spawn of the fabulously wealthy. But the downside? Super successful parents expect nothing less from their offspring. And when it comes to college, that means the Ivys. It's more than just getting into college, it's setting a course for the rest of your life. And for those few who aren't legacies, the pressures are no less. When parents have sacrificed for their children’s futures, what kid would want to let them down?

For those of you who dream of attending an Ivy League school, this mixer is the most important event of your life.
But no pressure.

Rufus: Ah, it's not that bad.
Dan: Looks like I shaved with a wood chipper.
Jenny: I was going with more of a chainsaw.
Dan: Not helping.
Jenny: Not trying to.
Rufus: Hey, look on the bright side: you're not a hemophiliac. Otherwise you'd be in the emergency room.

Mr. Archibald: Your mother and I didn't work this hard so you could just make things up as you go along. Dartmouth. Law school. Blair. Soon you're gonna have everything.

Serena: God, please don't tell me it's over.
Dan: You were there. I would say it's pretty much over.
Serena: I meant the assembly.

Blair: Oh! You missed the assembly. Too bad Brown doesn't offer degrees in Slut.

Serena: I really want to believe that was an accident.
Blair: Then you must be delusional.

Ref: Running out of colors here, Blair.
Serena: And I'm running out of patience. That's enough.
Blair: It's enough when I say it's enough.

Serena: I hope it's broken.

Gossip Girl: Hey Upper East Siders. We hear that World War III just broke out. And it's wearing knee socks. Choose your side or run and hide. We have a feeling this one's to the death.

Serena: Oo! Angry guy, huh?
Dan: Short fuse. I'm trying to work on that.
Serena: Well let me know how that goes for you.
Dan: Yeah, I'll keep you posted.
Serena: It's a tough week.
Dan: Not for me, apparently.
Serena: Oh, you got an usher position?
Dan: No I didn't. In an ironic though not totally unexpected twist, Nate got the one I wanted.

Chuck: Heard about the field hockey throw down. All those mouth guards and short skirts. I hope somebody filmed it.
Blair: You're heinous.
Chuck: Which is probably why you called.
Blair: You know me well.
Chuck: Women like to pretend they're complicated. I know better.

Blair: No one likes to be on the ground floor of a scandal like Chuck Bass.
Chuck: I am a bitch when I want to be.

Dan about Nate: Last year, I believe he had an original thought. It died of loneliness.

Blair: What is she doing there?
Chuck: What is anyone doing there. It's a facility for the disturbed or addicted.
Blair: You must have your own wing.
Chuck: You don't get nearly enough credit for your wit.

Rufus: You're in.
Dan: What?
Rufus: The Ivy Week party tonight. Your name will be on the program and everything.
Dan: You got me the Dartmouth spot?
Jenny: I knew you could do it, Dad.
Rufus: No you didn't. And no, I didn't. How do you feel about the refreshment committee?
Dan: Well there is no refreshment committee.
Rufus: Not until now.
Jenny: Oh god.
Rufus: What? Everybody gets thirsty. It's really a position of power.
Dan: How did you secure me this prominent and simultaneously embarrassing position?
Rufus: By offering my own services.
Dan: Mm. Serving snacks?
Rufus: I'm the head of the entertainment committee.
Dan: Another committee that didn't exist until you left the house today.
Jenny: Way to go, Dad. Who's the entertainment?
Rufus: Since it was such short notice the only person I could get was... myself.
Dan: Kind of a staid affair for early 90s post-punk math rock, don't you think?
Rufus: I'm bringing a couple of the guys. It'll be Rufus Unplugged.
Jenny: Need a roadie?

Rufus: You can talk to that author you love, ask him anything you want.
Dan: Like his preference for soft drinks?

Chuck: Oh, don't get your La Perlas in a bunch.

Nate: I liked your book.
Hall: Oh, thanks. What did you think of the epilogue? Some people really love it. The NYT called it a cheap cop out. Warner Bros. is making a movie. I think they're going to change the end.
Nate: Well I can see how the ending might not be all that... commercial. would you like a drink?

Dan: I get it. I mean, since you don't have to actually worry about getting into college, why not make the entire evening about screwing over Blair.

Dan: So? What's he like?
Nate: Like a Dartmouth English Lit prof I have nothing in common with. Guess I could tell him how everything I have I got because I'm an Archibald.
Dan: You should mention Dr. Seuss. Theodore Geisel was his real name. He went to Dartmouth. Hall said he got the idea for The Petting Zoo from the Lorax.
Nate: The what?
Dan: You know what, never mind. Just mention how his prose style is influenced by early Faulkner. You'll be alright. Or... not.

Blair: It's because of their excellent program which aids so many addicts and alcoholics that a student here with us today is clean and sober. At least for now. Can I please have Serena van der Woodsen join me on stage?

GG: Spotted at the Ivy League mixer: S and B’s last stand. And only one gets out alive. Better take cover.

GG: Honesty may be the best policy in some ZIP codes, but not in this one. And not this week. Because "I was a teenage drug addict" is not exactly a winning college essay.

Lily: Why is Blair outing you for a drug problem you don't have? You don't, do you?
Serena: Mom.

Serena: Look I'm asking you, please, I'll stop if you will.
Blair: You're just saying that because today you lost. And you're going to keep losing. Now if you'll excuse me I have a future to get back to.

Dan: If you ever need anybody to talk to. Or, not talk to. I'd be happy to do either.
Serena: I'll keep that in mind.

Blair: Eric, I didn't—
Eric: See that coming? Yeah. Well it must be a shock for someone who thinks she knows everything.

GG: Another bomb lands in Blair's lap. Will she use it as ammunition or will she finally surrender and put down her arms?

Rufus: So you really impressed the guy, huh? Must be the way you poured those sodas.

Rufus: We're real men, son. We don't like to share our feelings.

Blair: Whenever something's bothering you I can always find you here.
Serena: Here for another cat fight? What's that?
Blair: A letter. I wrote it to you when you were away at boarding school. I never sent it.

GG: Spotted in Central Park: two white flags waving. Could an Upper East Side peace accord be far off?