Petty in Pink

Gossip Girl: Diamonds are a girl’s best friend. But ask any Upper East Side girl to show you her most prized possession and we bet the box is Vivier. Not Cartier.

Serena: Hey Mom. We’re back from our tour of the best pastry shops in Manhattan.
Charlie (Kaylee DeFer): I did a Linzer tart taste test.
Eric: I had three espressos and then I picked a fight with a barista.

Rufus: Thanks for the movies. You want to come over later and join us for some screenings?
Dan: Um… you know what, I might have a thing.
Rufus: A thing? That’s intriguingly vague. Another development in the complicated non-friends hang out situation?
Dan: No, that situation has figured itself out. It’s official. We’re, ah, we’re just friends.

Rufus: Speaking of fights, where do things stand with you and Vanessa? Have you guys talked?
Dan: Yes. Only to reiterate the fact that we have nothing to talk about.
Rufus: You know I was angry with Vanessa too. But you guys have been friends your whole lives. That’s not something you give up without some thought.

Dorota: This say “sexy and smart.”
Blair: No. It says “let’s skip dinner and make a sex tape.” Keep looking.

Louis (Hugo Becker): Bonjour Blair. C’est Louis. Did you get the package I sent you?
Blair: Of course I did. Although I must say I was a bit surprised. I thought you’d never want to see me again after the way I left you in Paris.
Louis: No, not at all. Unless the reason you left Paris is still in your life.
Blair: Ah. No. No, he isn’t. That’s over.

Charlie: Okay, so the idea is that we search the Gossip Girl archives for evidence of Dan and Blair sneaking around so you know for sure if Vanessa’s telling the truth.
Serena: That’s the basic idea.
Charlie: And… I’m sorry. I’m still new at this. How is that better than just asking them?

Gossip Girl: Hey Upper East Siders. Word is that B is headed for a secret rendezvous. Questions is with who?

Charlie: Dan’s standing outside of some restaurant called Veselka. But he’s definitely acting weird.
Serena: Veselka. And guilty weird or hungry weird? The man loves his pierogies.

Blair: Humphrey! You have to leave. No one can see me here. And although you fall under that moniker, I need you to go.
Dan: Me? What are you doing here, deep in NYU territory? If you’ve developed a passion for Ukrainian food then I think we did spend too much time together.
Blair: Actually. I’m on a date. You can handle that, right?
Dan: We’re just friends. Date away.

Blair: It was so romantic. My Vivier arrived with a note from Louis. Usually I’d make him wait a standard 48 hours before going on a date but I make exceptions for royalty.
Serena: And you bring royalty to Veselka.
Blair: Oh believe me, I’d rather be at Petrossian. But he’s here in secret so he has to keep a low profile and what’s lower than this?

Nate: Single malt for breakfast?
Chuck: Takes the edge off the coke.

Chuck: Is there a problem?
Nate: With Reina, no. But when you’re ready to talk about whatever’s up with you let me know.

Vanessa (Jessica Szohr): So all my heartfelt attempts to save our friendship had no impact, but the aroma of cheese and dough turned you instantly sentimental?
Dan: They do say that sense of smell is most associated with memory.

Eric: Hey! Where are they going with those scones?
Rufus: My guess is Blaine Trump’s. I think your mother may have underestimated the impact of her sentence on her social standing.
Eric: The only thing thicker than blood is the ink on Page Six.

Chuck: Where’s Reina?
Nate: She went back to her hotel. I think your whole Howard Hughes routine is starting to freak her out a bit. It’s actually starting to freak me out too, man. Talk to me.
Chuck: I saw what you two were looking at this morning. The tattered box, old photographs. Is Reina looking for her mother? {silence} It’s a mistake. You have to stop her.
Nate: Look man, I know what happened with your mom was painful, but at least you got some answers. Reina deserves the same and she can handle it.

Louis: The truth is I’m here to see you. I’ve mentioned you many times since this summer, but my parents don’t approve. You are a commoner.
Blair: Well have they seen Princess Stephanie’s husbands? I’m not a circus performer.

Louis: The royal birthright has many strings attached. When my advisor discovered I was in New York, he hired one of your friends to follow me.
Blair: I will see to it personally that Penelope is deported to a desperate Third World country. Preferably someplace with Sharia law.
Louis: It was a man. He saw us at Veselka.
Blair: Dan Humphrey? He wouldn’t do that.

Blair: Meet me at Paul Smith in half-an-hour. You know why and you should be ashamed of yourself.
Dan: How did you find out?
Blair: I always find out. Just be there.

Dan: Blair, I swear I had no idea. Some magazine editor called me out of the blue to hire me to write an article on your prince, and I swear I backed out the minute I knew he was with you.
Blair: Oh you should have been suspicious the minute someone wanted to pay you for your writing. That wasn’t an editor, it was one of Louis’ royal handlers. And your desperate need for literary validation cost me the greatest date of my life.

Blair: We are going to stage a private, intimate moment for Louis to stumble upon. And when he realizes he has nothing to worry about, he’ll go back to Paris leaving Louis behind. For me.
Dan: No way.
Blair: I thought you were my friend.
Dan: I am. Which is why I’m going to point out to you what a bad idea this is. For starters, Serena’s going to be at this party.
Blair: She’s staying with Lily tonight.
Dan: Fine. Then everyone else in the world will be at this party. We’d have to tell Serena.
Blair: Absolutely not. You and I faking a kiss? Do you really want to have that conversation with Serena?
Dan: It can’t be half as painful as this one.

Rufus: I want the party moved more than anyone, but it’s not worth resorting to blackmail.
Serena: Yeah. You’re probably right. So. Psycho or Silence of the Lambs?
Rufus: Alright, make the call.

Chuck: Do you want me to come along? I know we’ve been on opposing teams for awhile, but… I’ve been through this. Maybe I could be helpful.
Reina (Tika Sumpter): Actually, yeah. I’d appreciate that. I really hope it’s my mom, Chuck.
Chuck: Me too.

Blair: You clear on the plan?
Dan: Yeah, I think I’ll be fine once I figure out what a butler’s pantry is.
Blair: You’re a cater waiter. You know exactly what a butler’s pantry is.

Blair: I can’t wait to see the look on their faces when they find out it’s the prince. {to Charlie} You are not to breathe a word of this. Normally you’d have to sign a non-disclosure agreement. I’m only grandfathering you in because of Serena.
Charlie: That him right over there? Don’t understand why you guys are ignoring each other.
Blair: That’s because you’re from Florida.

Charlie: No no. Don’t let Sarah Palin ruin it for you. Alaska is amazing.
Dan: I don’t know. But between Into the Wild and that Werner Herzog movie with the grizzly, I don’t think it’s for me.

Dan: For someone who’s just a friend you’re really good at choreographing reasons for us to kiss.
Blair: That’s because I’m willing to suffer for love.
Dan: Whatever you say. Just don’t get too handsy.

Lily: I’m surprised. I thought we were friends.
Anne: Why? You don’t know how to be a friend. You shut me out when I called off my divorce to the Captain. There’s not a woman in this room who didn’t take some pleasure in your downfall. Myself included. So enjoy the party, Lily. This will be your last. Oh, and you may want to adjust your dress. Your monitor’s showing.

Penelope: Blair Waldorf and Dan Humphrey. This is even better than my parents’ divorce. Please tell me it’s true.

Chuck: Russell’s parting gift to me was a story about my father. You remember how I told you my dad was responsible for that fire in his old building?
Nate: Uh huh.
Chuck: Russell owned it too. They were partners. He says his wife was there that night. And she died in the fire.
Nate: How do you know he’s even telling the truth?
Chuck: I don’t. But today when that woman wasn’t Reina’s mother I realized how desperately I wanted her to be. So maybe I do believe it.
Nate: What are you going to do?
Chuck: Try to find out the truth.

Serena: I don’t understand. How did you end up in a kiss in the first place? Any kiss?
Dan: We both were alone over Christmas break.
Blair: And we ran into each other at the movies.
Dan: And then it kept happening after the break, only we started making plans to meet.
Blair: And even worse. Enjoying it!
Serena: But you guys are my two closest friends. Why couldn’t you just tell me that?
Dan: I was hoping it would go away.
Blair: I was humiliated. Which is why we kissed.
Dan: To make sure nothing else was going on to complicate us or hurt you.
Serena: And?
Blair: Biggest regret of my life.
Dan: I mean that’s a little bit of an overstatement, but yeah, it was not a good kiss.

Serena: So you guys have been lying to me and sneaking around for months so you could hang out as friends?
Blair: Exactly. Friends.
Dan: Yeah, I swear. Just friends.
Serena: Well I’m really glad you two found each other because you sure lost me.

Blair: I’m really sorry, S. I guess I was in denial. I didn’t want to admit that I’d begun to understand the Humphrey appeal.
Serena: The only appeal Dan ever had to you was that he was mine.
Blair: You would see it that way. Because it’s always about you, isn’t it? I’m sorry to break it to you but Dan and I have a real connection. We did things like visit the Dia and debate Chabrol versus Rohmer. Things that we could never do with you.
Serena: Yeah, I’m sure you and Dan had a really deep connection. That is until a prince came along.
Blair: Of course. Because that would be an even bigger threat to you.
Serena: What’s that supposed to mean?
Blair: You prefer when you’re the one in the spotlight. But it’s my turn now. You can have a taste of what it’s like to be in my shadow for once. Now if you’ll excuse me, my prince awaits.

Cop: Ma’am, you’re violating the terms of your incarceration by being down here.
Lily: Ah, there you are. It took you long enough.
Cop: I’m sorry?
Lily: My apartment is teeming with women throwing back champagne cocktails and toasting my misfortune. Honestly, it’s worth risking an orange jumpsuit not to have to face another Botox bitch and a pink cocktail dress.

Gossip Girl: Time to grab your Judith Leibers, ladies. Looks like Upper East Side’s smoothest criminal has just given you the boot.

Charlie: I saw the kiss. I think you really like her.
Dan: You might be right. I’ve been trying to convince myself that I could handle being friends with her, but I realized tonight that I can’t.
Charlie: I know from experience what it’s like to watch from the outside as someone else walks away with the person you want.
Dan: Yeah, I just never thought the person I want would be Blair Waldorf.
Charlie: Neither did Serena.

Blair: I’ve just stood up in front of everyone that matters in New York society and said I was dating Dan Humphrey. I committed social suicide for you.
Louis: Serena told me you’ve been having an affair with him.
Blair: She misunderstood. We’ve been friends. That’s all. You have to believe me, you’re the only man in my life now. The only man I want there anyway.
Louis: I believe you.

Dan: Vanessa, I know we’ve been friends since we were little, and we both like pierogies, and my dad really misses you, but just to be clear—so there’s no misunderstanding down the road—we are not friends anymore.

PI: Your dad gave me these security tapes after the [Kenborough] Building burned down and asked me to lock them away. This one is from eight pm the night of the fire.
Chuck: What’s on it?
PI: Bart. having an argument with a woman—Avery Thorpe. Then Avery goes into the building and Bart hurries away.
Chuck: Okay. So?
PI: Moments later the building goes up in flames. And Avery Thorpe is never heard from again.