Panic Roommate

Gossip Girl: A wise woman once said that every morning when you wake up you say a little prayer. After all, you never know what your day may hold.
Reina Thorpe (Tika Sumpter): Sorry, I only have an hour before my next meeting.
Chuck: Hm. We’ve got no time to waste.
…From a warm goodbye.
Epperley Lawrence (Caitlin FitzGerald): Ten things I need done in an hour. Sorry, fashion week is starting.
…To a chilly hello.
Voice Mail Lady: You have no new messages.
From quiet solitude…. To surprise company.
PO: Hi. I’m here for the home inspection.
Dan: Home inspection for what?
Rufus: Ah. Sorry we’re late. You must be Ben’s parole officer.
…The day waits for no one.

Chuck: Either switch that thing off or bring it to bed. Vibration is a terrible thing to waste.

Reina Thorpe: Don’t move.
Chuck: Don’t worry.

Epperley: I guess in addition to everything I have to do this week, I will spend your entire performance review tomorrow discussing your inability to finish your tasks in a timely fashion. {she storms off}
Blair: No. I can’t tank my review. This internship is everything and I’ve been working hard.
Intern: Try to understand. Epperley’s under a lot of pressure.
Blair: Oh please, I’ve celebrated more Fashion Weeks than birthdays. I know how it is. My mother’s very high-strung. In fact in the years between her marriages, you wouldn’t believe— Wait a minute. How long since you think Epperley’s had her strings plucked?
Intern: Excuse me?
Blair: Well there’s no shame in it. It’s just what happens when you’re married to your job. It’s hard for a powerful woman to find the time. But maybe all I have to do to get Epperley off my back is to get her on hers.
Intern: Last time I checked the intern packet, I don’t think “Pimp Daddy” was included in the description of duties.
Blair: Well it just so happens that Epperley’s perfect partner also owns the perfect hotel to host tonight’s kick-off party. Ah, two birds, one Bass.

Rufus: Well that’s the grand tour. Bedroom’s in the back, kitchen’s in the front. Nineties rock relics everywhere.

Dan: Are you seriously letting Serena’s stalker move in here?
Rufus: I told you last week this was a possibility.
Dan: I didn’t think you’d actually do it. Especially without talking to me first.
Rufus: I didn’t think I needed your approval. After everything he’s been through don’t you think we owe it to him?
Dan: Sure, by “we” you mean Lily. Why doesn’t he just move into Chuck’s old room? And what do you plan on telling Serena about this? I’m sure she’s not going to be okay with it.
Rufus: Actually she’s more than okay with it. It was her idea.

Nate: Did I hear Reina just leave? What is that, three days in a row now? Things are getting serious.
Chuck: Not fast enough. We’re stuck in this meaningless mind-blowing sex loop.
Nate: I’m sorry to hear that.
Chuck: Reina is the one person that can stop her father from swallowing up Bass Industries. I need her to fall for me so she’ll spare my company.
Nate: Yeah well, she doesn’t strike me as the “love-at-first-sight” type, so just give it some time.
Chuck: Time is the one thing I don’t have.

Gossip Girl: Looks like our favorite Upper East Sinners just found the answer to their prayers.
Chuck and Blair: I need your help.
Lucky for us, their road to Heaven leads straight through hell.

Serena: Want a berry?
Dan: Oh no thanks, I already had breakfast with my new roomie, Ben. What were you thinking?
Serena: That he deserves a second chance?
Dan: Oh to what? To drug you and leave you for dead in a motel room again?
Serena: That wasn’t Ben that was Juliet, and you know it.

Dan: Look, I understand that you feel badly about what happened and what Lily did, but you can’t forget that this guy spent the last six months out to get you.
Serena: Ben was a good guy before all this happened and if you kept an open mind you’d see that he still is, You’d see what I see.
Dan: Oh. Wow. You’re falling for him.
Serena: What?
Dan: You have feelings for this guy.
Serena: No! Not that it’s any of your business, it doesn’t matter how I feel or don’t feel about Ben. He’s made it perfectly clear he wants nothing to do with me. I haven’t even heard from him since the W party.

Eric: Where’s she going?
Dan: To see Ben.
Eric: That’s not a good idea.
Dan: Tell me about it. What do you mean?
Eric: Contrary to what Rufus and Serena believe, he hasn’t changed. He beat up a friend of mine just last week. We have got to get rid of this guy. Show everybody how dangerous he is.

Blair: [M]y performance review is tomorrow and I need to to go well.
Chuck: Surely saving tonight will earn you the gold star you crave.
Blair: No. It will calm her for a nanosecond until she finds something else to stress about. I believe that only one thing can relax Epperley. And it’s something that I can’t give to her.
Chuck: You need to turn that frown upside down before she pulls out the grading pencil.
Blair: And you’re just the man for the job.
Chuck: I’m not sure I am. I’ve spent the last few weeks trying every trick I know in the bedroom to get Reina to fall in love with me—business reasons of course. Nothing seems to be working.
Blair: That’s because that’s how you win a guy’s heart, not a girl’s. If you want Reina to fall for you, you have to stop pulling on her drawstrings and start pulling on her heartstrings.
Chuck: Where are they located exactly?
Blair: In a common connection. You and I bonded over a mutual love of scheming. And burlesque. Find something that you and Reina both share. Let your guard down. Show her a side of you that no one else sees. I hear girls love that.
Chuck: Open up and she’ll be forced to follow suit.
Blair: And once you hook her, reel her in, gut her emotionally and throw the carcass overboard.
Chuck: You really do have a gift.

Blair: That is not fair. I give you gold and you can’t spare two hours? Think of her as an amuse-bouche.

Eric: I’m sure Ben was a perfectly nice guy when Serena met him. But you lock anybody up for three years.
Dan: And for a crime he didn’t commit.
Eric: I have seen every episode of Oz. That place can change a man.

Dan: I’m not going to team up with the one guy I trust less than Ben and neither should you.

Russell Thorpe (Michael Boatman): I have to get back to the office. But I think it’s nice—a Bass and a Thorpe to be seen working together, breaking bread. Besides. There’s nothing my daughter doesn’t tell me.

Ben (David Call): I can’t believe you remembered.
Serena: I remember everything you’ve read to me. In case you haven’t noticed I don’t really let go of things so easily.

Blair: You need to sleep with her right away!
Nate: What?
Blair: I need you to relieve all that pent up tension before my first performance review tomorrow. And you better not be selfish, Archibald! You know what I mean. A woman remembers.
Nate: This is why you’ve been dragging me around?
Blair: What’s the big deal? It’s not like you haven’t done it before. Just think of her as a younger, more flexible Lady Catherine.

Epperley Lawrence: Trouble. Florence is stuck at JFK because The Machine’s flight is delayed.

Nate: I wasn’t that selfish, was I? {Blair scowls and walks off} Was I?

Reina: Chuck, I know you’re trying to make me feel guilty about buying the Palace and firing all these nice people. But business is business. You know that. What’s with the show?
Chuck: It’s not a show. I actually grew up here. Other kids have neighbors and potlucks. I have concierges and room service. I know these people because they’re my extended family. I wouldn’t expect you to understand.
Reina: Actually I do. When my mother abandoned us, my dad couldn’t sleep in her house anymore. So he moved us into the penthouse at the Blake. And we never left.
Chuck: Nothing like being a guest in your own home.

Ben: Look, I’m sorry that I’ve been… how I’ve been. I just spent the last three years blaming you for where I thought you put me.
Serena: And now here you are, somewhere else that I put you. Is that a problem?
Ben: No, actually. I’m beginning to think I’m supposed to be here.

Ben: Look, Dan. I know you’re just looking out for Serena. And I understand your concern, I do. But you have nothing to worry about. I swear.

Gossip Girl: Watch out, Lonely Boy. Your new roommate’s moving in fast, but you’re the one that’s going to have to unpack his lies.

Blair: I know, he’s as smart as he is handsome, isn’t he?
Chuck: Don’t push it. Wrap it up.

Serena: You’re at home during the day with Nate? Do I smell a scheme.
Blair: No. I’m just grabbing a quick bite and a change of clothes for the party. And you’re not coming from school, are you?
Serena: No. I saw Ben. He called me. And we had lunch and… I don’t know, I think there really might be something there. Am I crazy? Please don’t say yes.
Blair: Bad boys have never really been your thing, but damaged outsiders are a definite weakness.
Serena: What do you mean?
Blair: He’s from a different social class. Your mother hates him. He hates your mother. He’s living in a loft in Dumbo.
Serena: I knew Ben before I ever met Dan.
Blair: Not my point.
Just ask yourself this: is it Ben or the idea of him?

Ben: I never meant for Juliet to do what she did. I’ve even told her to give me some space.
Dan: Well maybe you should tell her again. I saw she called you.
Ben: Because it’s my mom’s birthday. That’s the only reason. Like it or not they’re the only family I have. I’m not going to lose them.

Epperley: Cinderella doesn’t always get to go to the ball.
Blair: Well she can if she has all her calls forwarded to her Blackberry and an able intern by her side the whole time.

Blair: Nate can’t wait to see you. Trust me, it’s like riding a very cute bike.

Gossip Girl: Careful, B. Your boss’ phone is ringing off the hook. And it’s your job on the line.

Reina: I missed my meeting.
Chuck: Was I worth it?
Reina: I’ll let you know.
Chuck: I took the liberty of reserving my old suite. Perhaps after the show we could continue our tour upstairs.
Reina: Only on the condition that you show me something first. Your hiding place. From when you were a little boy.
Chuck: Did Nate tell you?
Reina: I grew up in a hotel too, remember? So can I see it?
Chuck: It wouldn’t be so secret if I just showed it to you.
Reina: Fine. I guess I’ll just have to find it myself.

Dan: To be clear. I’m doing this for Serena. And if you turn out to be lying about Ben I will make sure you never set foot in this town again.

Russell: Chuck knew about the vote. He kept you away on purpose.
Reina: Is this true?

Gossip Girl: Sorry, S. Your new beau may have the right to remain silent. But you just became the talk of the town.

Serena: I don’t understand. It doesn’t make any sense. Why would Ben just come and hit you unprovoked.
Damien (Kevin Zegers): Guy’s obviously got some serious anger issues.
Serena: And his parole officer just happened to be here? Come on.
Dan: No, I called him.
Serena: Because you knew that he’d hit Damien?
Dan: Because I knew he was a danger to you, to me. To anyone he came into contact with. I tried to tell you all this but you wouldn’t listen to me.
Serena: Because I don’t believe it. And I don’t believe you.

Chuck: Reina, when we first met I was so desperate to save my father’s company I didn’t care what it took, who I had to betray. I thought if you fell for me you might find a way to spare it. But after spending today together, I realized how much I actually do care about you.
Reina: I’m so sorry, Chuck. There’s nothing you can ever say to make me trust you again. My father’s waiting for me.

Serena: I know you didn’t do anything.

Blair: Nate, where’s Epperley? We’re having a gift bag crisis.
Nate: How should I know? She left with this guy she knew from Oxford.
Blair: What? How could you let some toft just punt off with her?
Nate: He’s definitely going to try to hook up with her. You should have heard this guy’s accent.

Blair: So help me Archibald, I will tell everyone what your favorite movie is.
Nate: Hey, do not knock the Sound of Music. It’s got nuns and Nazis. Juliet Andrews was hot.

Eric: So what say we go back to your place, pop in some Call of Duty and celebrate?
Damien: Listen man, I don’t want you to take this the wrong way, but I think we’re pretty much done here.
Eric: I don’t understand. I thought we were friends.
Damien: You’re my client. Former client, actually.
Eric: You were just using me to find where Ben was so you could get rid of him?
Damien: And now he’s gone and so am I. So… see ya.

Dan: You heard what happened? Are you seriously mad at me now?
Rufus: Well I can’t say I’m entirely pleased.
Dan: You put Max Cady in my living room. What was I supposed to do?
Rufus: I guess I didn’t realize how deeply you felt about it.
Dan: I know you’ve got a lot on your plate right now. It’s gotta be hard for you to be caught in the middle like this.
Rufus: Well I’m sorry I didn’t ask you first. I thought I was doing the right thing.
Eric: Ah, you were. Ben didn’t hit Damien. I did.
Dan: Oh my god.

GG: Spotted: a Lonely Boy trying to save an innocent man. Looks like Brooklyn’s the one who’s guilty by association.

Dan: Hey, have you talked to Eric?
Rufus: He wasn’t here when I got up. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s off somewhere with Damien. I don’t know what to do, how to get through to him.
Dan: It’s gonna be okay. I’m meeting with Nate, we’re gonna take care of it.

Dan: I don’t know where to begin.
Ben: How about I’m sorry?
Dan: I didn’t think that would be enough.
Ben: I’m pretty easy.
Dan: Well then I’m sorry. Honestly I don’t know what I was thinking. I was jealous, I was angry… I cost you a night in jail.
Ben: What’s one more after three years. Thank you for calling my PO, setting the record straight. I’ll pack up my stuff.
Dan: No, you don’t have to move out. In fact I would like you to stay. I realize you’re someone I should trust, just like Serena said I should.
Ben: She said that?

Serena: Hey. Dan invited me to come over and wait for you.
Dan: She was right, I was wrong. Just give everyone else some time. They’ll come around.

Rufus: Where have you been?
Eric: I was just getting coffee at Sicaffe. I got you one too.
Rufus: You should know that Dan and Nate are on their way over to Damien’s to look for you.
Eric: Damien ditched me after the party, so the strongest drug I’m on is double Macchiatto. Are we done?
Rufus: No. No. We’re not. Talk to me. Make me understand why you want to spend so much time with a guy like him when you have all your other friends.
Eric: What other friends? I can’t believe I’m going to say this out loud—it sounds so stupid—but I thought Damien got me. You know, we could just hang out together and do nothing. He was there for me.
Rufus: That kind of a guy always is.
Eric: Yeah. Well. Lesson learned. Thank you.

Reina: A speechless Chuck Bass. Will wonders never cease?
Chuck: Honestly, I never thought you’d talk to me again.
Reina: Neither did I. Then I got a phone call from your friend Blair. Not a staged call. A real one. She told me you may have said all those things on the phone with her for the wrong reasons, but that you also meant them.
Chuck: When it comes to me, Blair has the nasty habit of never being wrong.
Reina: She said the same thing.

Chuck: I’ll find another way to save my family legacy. One that doesn’t involve you.

Blair: This is all my fault. I wanted Epperley to get laid, not laid off.

Blair: Did you get fired?
Epperley: No, of course not. The party was a huge success.
Blair: Are you having a psychotic break?
Epperley: No. But I am taking a break. I quit.

Blair: You’re leaving the magazine for Eat Pray Love?

Blair: No, don’t quit. You’re amazing at your job.
Epperley: I know. And you will be too.

Gossip Girl: They say the universe has a great sense of humor. That sometimes having your dreams come true can feel like a nightmare.

Russell: Reina, I have to ask. After last night do I have your full support to buy Bass Industries.
Reina: Yes. Under one condition.
Russell: Name it.
Reina: After the deal closes I want you to give Chuck a chance to be part of the new company.
Russell: I don’t need Chuck’s help to run Bass Industries.
Reina: Yes you do. You just don’t know it yet.

Gossip Girl: Because getting what you want always come with strings attached.

Damien: Archibald. Humphrey. What are you guys doing here?
Dan: Well we came looking for Eric.
Nate: We ran into your dad instead. He’s a nice guy. I mean, at least he was to us. How he is to you after what we told him might be different story.
Damien: Wait! You guys realize what you’ve done? My dad’s gonna cut me off!

Gossip Girl: And even when you think you’re finally in the clear, you’re never home free.

Ben: You haven’t slept?
Serena: I couldn’t. Not until I knew you were safe. Last night at the party when everyone else doubted you I never did. Not for a second. And I never will.
Ben: What about your family? What if us being together drives them all away?
Serena: I don’t think it will but that’s a risk I’m willing to take if you are.

Gossip Girl: Every happy ending is just a new beginning. Because on the Upper East Side, the good times never lasts forever. XOXO —Gossip Girl.