Season 1

Pilot

Rufus Humphrey (Matthew Settle): Welcome back. How was your weekend? How’s your mom?
Jenny Humphrey (Taylor Momsen): She’s fine.
Dan Humphrey (Penn Badgely): She’s good.
Jenny: Fine and good.
Dan: She’s good and… fine.
Rufus: Like “maybe I never should have left Manhattan”, fine? Or “taking time off from my marriage was the best idea I ever had” fine?
Dan changing the subject: Dad, you know what, I’m starving.

Rufus Humphrey: Guess whose dad is cool.
Jenny: It’s a trick question.
Dan: Yeah, ’cause it can’t be ours.
Rufus: Look at this.
Dan reading Rolling Stone: “Top Ten Forgotten Bands of the 90s.”
Rufus: Yeah. Check out who’s number nine.
Jenny: He’s very proud.
Dan: Hey! Hey! Way to be forgotten.
Rufus: But that’s how you get remembered.

Jenny: One of the girls in my art class saw my calligraphy and she said that if I addressed all the invitations that I could have one.
Rufus: Sounds very fair. Sweat shops could learn a thing or two.
Jenny: Dad this is not platform for one of your anti-Capitalist rants.
Rufus: Yes it is.
Jenny: Besides, you make us go to private schools.
Rufus: That’s for your education.
Jenny: So we should just be anonymous losers who eat lunch alone and never get invited to parties.
Dan: Works for me.

Dan: Ah, you know Dad, there’s this thing called MySpace. Where you could post all this information online. Save some trees. Have a blog.
Rufus: Maybe if musicians got off their “blogs” and picked up their guitars the music business would be in better shape.
Dan: Spoken like a true relic.
Rufus: Thanks son.

Rufus: Lily. Are you shopping for some art to match your furniture?
Lily: Why is my daughter going to one of your concerts?
Rufus: ‘Cause we’re awesome.
Lily: With your son.
Rufus: Dan scored a date with Serena?
Lily: Mm hm.
Rufus: Well our kids were bound to meet. It’s a small island.
Lily: Are you sure it’s not some ploy—you’re using my daughter to get to me now that your wife left you?
Rufus: How do you know about Allison?
Lily: Like you said, small island.
Rufus: Oh, I get it. You hear about Allison, use your daughter as an excuse to start something.
Lily: In your dreams.
Rufus: Well you are in my dreams, Lily. And one in particular recurs. It involves finding you in the back of a Nine Inch Nails bus with your shoes in your earrings and Trent Reznor… Oh, that happened.
Lily: No need to rehash details of decades past. So I moved on.
Rufus: Yeah. From Trent to Layne to Perry. Until you switched up rock stars for billionaires.
Lily: You think you’re so cute. Washed-up band. Crappy so-called art gallery.
Rufus: Well. Not all of us have settlements from multiple divorces to sustain us.
Lily: Just stay out of my life, Rufus.

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The Wild Brunch

Lily: Just coffee, I’m not staying long. I’d like to get out of here before someone throws me down and tattoos me.
Rufus: This is Brooklyn, Lil. Not the Warped Tour.

Rufus: Admit it, you’re falling for me again.
Lily: You’re right. It’s the low income tax bracket, the bad v-neck shirts, the awful jokes. I don’t know why your wife left you.
Rufus: She’s got better taste than you.

Jenny: Her mom designed it.
Rufus: And her mom is very talented, but the dress you made for yourself is much nicer.
Jenny: Which is why you don’t wear dresses.
Rufus: One of a couple reasons.
Jenny: Hey, you think the Farmer’s Market is still open?
Rufus: Yeah, why? You wanna go?
Jenny: Yeah.
Rufus: I thought you were getting too old to go places with your dad.
Jenny: Well you used to be cool. And the 90s are having a comeback.
Rufus: Yo have no idea how much that hurts.

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Poison Ivy

Rufus: Ah, it’s not that bad.
Dan: Looks like I shaved with a woodchipper.
Jenny: I was going with more of a chainsaw.
Dan: Not helping.
Jenny: Not trying to.
Rufus: Hey, look on the bright side: you’re not a hemophiliac. Otherwise you’d be in the emergency room.

Rufus: You’re in.
Dan: What?
Rufus: The Ivy Week party tonight. Your name will be on the program and everything.
Dan: You got me the Dartmouth spot?
Jenny: I knew you could do it, Dad.
Rufus: No you didn’t. And no, I didn’t. How do you feel about the refreshment committee?
Dan: Well there is no refreshment commitee.
Rufus: Not until now.
Jenny: Oh god.
Rufus: What? Everybody gets thirsty. It’s really a position of power.
Dan: How did you secure me this prominent and simultaneously embarrassing position?
Rufus: By offering my own services.
Dan: Mm. Serving snacks?
Rufus: I’m the head of the entertainment committee.
Dan: Another committee that didn’t exist until you left the house today.
Jenny: Way to go, Dad. Who’s the entertainment?
Rufus: Since it was such short notice the only person I could get was… myself.
Dan: Kind of a staid affair for early 90s post-punk math rock, don’t you think?
Rufus: I’m bringing a couple of the guys. It’ll be Rufus Unplugged.
Jenny: Need a roadie?

Rufus: So you really impressed the guy, huh? Must be the way you poured those sodas.

Rufus: We’re real men, son. We don’t like to share our feelings.

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Bad News Blair

Bex Simon: I’ve heard a lot about your gallery. I wasn’t expecting a piece like this from a former rock star.
Rufus: I prefer “one hit wonder”.

Rufus about the painting: What are you doing with that?
Lily: The questions is, what are you doing selling it to me?

Lily: Your wife despises me.
Rufus: I wouldn’t say that.
Lily: Well she did. She may have been wearing a slip dress and Doc Martens at the time, but she definitely meant it.

Rufus: So what did you think of it?
Lily: I thought… it was extraordinary.

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Dare Devil

Rufus: Did you knock over a parking meter?
Dan: No. This is the entire contents from my Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles piggybank. How long can a man have a piggybank and still call himself a man?

Rufus answering the phone: This better not be my wife.
Lily: Rufus, do you always answer the phone like that?
Rufus: Lily?
Lily: Listen, I need your son’s cellphone number. It’s an emergency.
Rufus: A real emergency or a Lily emergency?

Lily: I have a situation here.
Rufus: A situation? Your son is with your daughter and my kid. I trust them. Why don’t you?
Lily: Rufus—
Rufus: Goodbye Lily. Always a pleasure.

Rufus: You haven’t changed a bit. You always have to be in control.
Lily: Hm. Well. I don’t remember you complaining.
Rufus: Well I wasn’t allowed to. It was one of your rules.

Lily: Are you still the same guy you were when I took this photo?
Rufus: What? You took that photo? You weren’t even at that show.
Lily: Oh, excuse me. If I remember, the first song was about me, the second one was about… your motorcycle. And then there was that one about that surf town. What was it?
Rufus: Saya Lida.
Lily: Saya Lida.
Rufus: Fisherman’s town.
Lily: Is that the one with the villa where we…. Yes indeed, it was.

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The Handmaiden’s Tale

Dan: A ball?
Rufus: Haven’t you heard? Your sister’s Cinderella.
Dan: And let me guess, your wicked step-sister’s Blair Waldorf.

Rufus: Since when were you the patron saint of former rock stars?
Lily: Since when were you a star?

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Victor/Victrola

Rufus: Yes Allison, I did encourage you to do your paintings, not the next door neighbor.

Rufus: Sensuous massage. Something we should talk about?
Dan: Oh, uh. No. I have a lot of tension. Stress in between my shoulder blades.

Lily: Well. This is a new strain of obsessive-compulsive.
Rufus: The art piece projects up to the ceiling.
Lily: Still doing anything to get a girl on her back, huh?
Rufus: What are you doing here, Lil?
Lily: Oh, ah—
Rufus: Let me ask you that question another way: did you break up with Bart again?
Lily: Well. What did I do to deserve such a thorny welcome?
Rufus: I’m sorry, I’m really not in the mood to play games. I don’t know what’s happening with my wife, or my marriage. And you showing up here randomly—and often—doesn’t make figuring that out any easier.
Lily: I’m sorry I bothered you. Really.

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Seventeen Candles

Dan: Does anyone else think this is extremely weird? I mean given everything.
Jenny: Dan, just forget about it. If Dad can let it go so can you.
Rufus: What do you mean, “let it go”?

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Blair Waldorf Must Pie!

Jenny: We on this side of the kitchen choose to be positive.
Rufus: Yeah Dan. What’s it gonna be? Are you with us or against us?
Dan: Fine. Fine. But I only if I can take the cranberry sauce out of the can. That is my specialty.

Rufus’ Voicemail: Hey, Rufus Humphrey. Leave a message and I’ll get back to you.
Lily: Rufus, it’s Lily. Um, your very-persistent son insisted that I join you for dinner. I want to remind you that my kids do not know that we are friendly and I’d like to keep it that way. That said, I look forward to seeing you.

Lily: I am sorry. I did not know that you were—
Allison: Back? Well I am. And why would you know?
Lily: Well Dan never mentioned it when he invited me. to Rufus I called.
Rufus: I didn’t hear the phone.

Dan: You were talking about your ranch.
Jenny: Did you have any horses?
Lily: Yes, I had a few. Um, I had my own. Rosewood.
Jenny: My dad has a song called Rosewood.
Rufus: Oh, but no, not that Rosewood.
Dan: I completely forgot about that song!
Jenny: Yeah, it’s about my mom, you know. ‘Cause she had this perfume that she always wore. It was rose and —
Dan: Sandalwood.
Jenny: Sandalwood. It was like her own personal scent.
Allison: I’m a fool.
Rufus: You’re not a fool.
Dan: Raise your hand if you’re over 30 and acting really weird right now.

Rufus: Lily, these past few weeks have been…
Lily: Have been what? You can’t even say it, can you?
Rufus: I can. But I shouldn’t.

Allison: I think we’re splitting hairs here, Rufus. An emotional affair is just as bad as a physical one.
Lily: Oh please. Nobody’s buying that. Emotional affairs are necessary to keep a marriage alive.
Allison: And how many times have you been divorced?
Rufus: Allison, this is not about Lily. This is about you and me.
Allison: Exactly. And if we’re going to have any chance then she can’t be here.
Lily: What, for Thanksgiving? Or ever? Oh you can’t be serious.
Allison: I am.

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Hi, Society

Rufus: I sense a favor about to be asked.
Jenny: Well, turns out I got a volunteer position at a charity.
Rufus: That’s great! When is it?
Jenny: Sunday night. And I know it’s mom’s opening and I know it’s really important but I can do both.
Rufus: As a family we support each other. And when one of us has something important we all show up for it. Maybe you can volunteer next year.
Allison: Volunteer for what?
Jenny: Nothing. Doesn’t matter ’cause dad said I can’t go.

Celia: So I see it’s true what they say about the apple and the tree.
Rufus: Hello Celia. I’d say it’s nice to see you but I know you hate dishonesty.
Cecelia: It appears that your son is taking my granddaughter to the ball tonight.
Rufus: He is?
Celia: I’d rather see that not happen. There’s no point in being presented if it’s improperly and your Daniel is not a proper companion for a girl like Serena. He’s a temporary distraction. I need her to focus on her future.
Rufus: Hers or yours?

Rufus: Your money was no good for me then and it’s still no good with me now. And you can rest assured that like me, my son can’t be bought.
Celia: And I can assure you, just like her mother my granddaughter can be.
Rufus: What do you mean?
Celia: All those years ago I told Lily to choose between you and her inheritance. I’d tell you the end of that story but I think you know it by heart.

Rufus: You’re back. What happened?
Dan: Cece won.
Rufus: She has a habit of doing that. Maybe it’s for the best. You’re here with your family.

Lily: We’re not supposed to talk, remember?
Rufus: I had to. Your mother came to see me and she mentioned something about why you left me all those years ago.
Lily: Oh. Yes well. She made me an offer I couldn’t refuse. And I wasn’t strong enough then.
Rufus: Why didn’t you tell me?
Lily: Oh come on, you never would have understood.
Rufus: But if I had known you hadn’t actually left me for him, I mean maybe—
Lily: Listen, don’t— Don’t say it. Don’t even think it.
Rufus: I can’t help myself. I never should have let you let me go.

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Roman Holiday

Allison: I guess Lily’s targetted her next billionaire.
Rufus: Actually I think she’s had him in her sights for awhile.

Rufus: My son, the writer.
Allison: Published writer.
Jenny: Yeah, you got your dream girl and your story in The New Yorker. Maybe you should just die now.
Dan: That’s true. I may have peaked.

Rufus: Why is he writing to you? Sending cards to the house asking to see you?
Allison: I don’t know.
Rufus: You guys we’re still here. We can hear you.

Rufus: She told you to leave her alone.
Alex: I’m sorry. That’s not what she told me a couple days ago.
Rufus: You spoke to her?

Allison: Hey, where were you? I tried to call you but your phone was off.
Rufus: I kept your date for you with Alex. He’s actually a pretty cool guy other than the fact that he’s in love with my wife. He told me about your phone call.

Rufus: Would you have come back if Jenny hadn’t shown up to bring you?
Allison: If I hadn’t would Lily be here right now?

Lily: Rufus, why are you calling?
Rufus: I just wanted to say Merry Christmas. Hope you have a good holiday.
Lily: Yes, well. I’m flying to Anguila with Bart tonight so I’m expecting it to be a great holiday. One for the ages, in fact. Goodnight, Rufus. Goodbye hangs up Good luck. What is the matter with me?

Rufus: Hey Lil. Everything’s closed on Christmas. Diners that claim to be open 24-7. It’s false advertising.

Rufus: So, uh, Allison’s leaving. She’s spending time alone with the kids. And I seem to have walked all the way from Brooklyn to your doorstep. Without a jacket. In the snow. So what the hell. I miss you. And I have been missing you for awhile.

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School Lies

Rufus: Don’t think for a second these other kids aren’t going to be looking out for themselves. You should do the same. Alright?

Lily: I hope I’m not interrupting anything. I just got a message that our kids are in some kind of trouble at school.
Rufus: And you came all the way to Brooklyn to talk about it?
Lily: No no, not about that. Bart and I just landed at the airport back from our trip. And he proposed. And I’m going to say yes. I wanted you to hear it from me first. Not from my daughter or your son.
Rufus: Right. People who actually talk to me.
Lily: Oh, if you’re referring to the message you left me on Christmas Day I didn’t get it ’til we were already on the plane. It was… very endearing though.
Rufus: But not enough to turn a G5 around.
Lily: You miss me. That’s great. I miss you too. What? You kissed me at Eleanor’s party and then you say you can’t see me anymore because your wife came home. And then you call and say you should have never let me go. And then you’re back with Allison again.
Rufus: I didn’t plan any of that.
Lily: That’s just it, Rufus. You don’t plan anything.
Rufus: Well, I’m sure that your current plan will be full of jets and five-star hotels.
Lily: Take care, Rufus.

Rufus: Why did you really come to se me yesterday?
Lily: I told you, out of respect—
Rufus: Respect or regret? You wanted me to give you a reason not to spend the rest of your life with Bart Bass.
Lily: Rufus—
Rufus: I’m still in love with you.

Rufus: Claim your life this time. Live it the way you want to live it.

Rufus: You packed light.
Lily: Please try to understand.
Rufus: I think I do. I’m just sorry.
Lily: So am I.

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The Thin Line Between Chuck and Nate

Bex: As I recall you had a wife in Hudson. That still true?
Rufus: She’s still there. I’m still here.

Rufus: I need to know how you and Jenny would you feel if I went out tonight for a drink with a woman.
Dan: Well I guess I’d feel like you shouldn’t wear that shirt or there will not be a second date.

Bex: Despite your worst efforts, I am completely charmed by you, Rufus Humphrey.
Rufus: Thanks. I think.
Bex: Okay. Here’s where we are. Dating 101: Lesson One. In two days you are going to call me and thank me for forgiving you of your dating faux pas. You’ll ask me out to dinner. Someplace elegant, but intimate. And we are going to have a fabulous time. Got all that?
Rufus: Absolutely.
Bex: Good. Talk to you in two days.
Rufus: Two days.
Bex walks away until her phone rings: Hello?
Rufus on the phone: I never was good at following rules.

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The Blair Bitch Project

Rufus: Blair said they told you the original party had fallen through so that they could surprise you with a better one.
Jenny: Blair’s a liar. You got played.
Rufus: She also said you were afraid the girls wouldn’t accept everything about you. She knew you were wrong. She wanted you to feel like you had nothing to be ashamed of. Is that a lie too?

Rufus: Where did you get the dress? And I know you didn’t make it because your sewing machine is gone.
Jenny: You have no idea how hard it is, Dad. I sold my sewing machine, okay?
Rufus: What?
Jenny: Yeah. And a lamp and some jewelry.
Rufus: Why?
Jenny: Because I had to. Dad you think that you could just send me off to school with a plaid skirt and a Metro Card and that everything would be okay.
Rufus: I am not apologizing for not having a private plane for you, Jenny.

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Desperately Seeking Serena

Jenny: Bye.
Rufus: Wait.
Jenny: Dad, I’m gonna be late.
Rufus: I’m going with you.
Jenny: What? You’re walking me to school?
Rufus: I need the exercise.
Jenny: I made one mistake. That doesn’t mean I need a human ankle monitor.
Rufus: You used to beg me to walk you to school. You’d cry if I didn’t walk you to class.
Jenny: That wasn’t me. That was Dan.
Dan: It’s true. But I was six. It was an emotional time for me. It was post-tee ball.

Jenny: I met this really nice guy and I’m supposed to meet him in the Park for lunch tomorrow.
Rufus: Well grounded or not grounded, you’re not old enough to date.
Jenny: It’s not a date. He’s just a friend.
Rufus: Who is this guy?
Jenny: You don’t know him. He goes to Unity.
Rufus: Upper East Side Unity?
Dan: Technically it’s Upper West Side, Dad.
Jenny: How are you helping?
Rufus: I thought you wanted to take a break from that whole crowd.
Jenny: What whole crowd?
Rufus: The one that made you feel like compromising your character was a prerequisite for hanging out with them.
Jenny: So it’s okay for Dan to date someone rich then?
Dan: Well it’s not without it’s complications, believe me.
Rufus: I thought you said it wasn’t a date.
Jenny storms off and slams her door
Rufus: It was nice there for a minute.
Dan: Yeah, it was.

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All About My Brother

Lily: When you revise the seating chart, don’t forget to place Mr. Spitzer as far away from Serena’s table as possible. Thank you. Ugh, what is not on the schedule today?
Rufus: I don’t think I am. Maybe you can fit me in between Preston Bailey and Sylvia Weinstock.
Lily: Well good luck fitting anything between those two. What are you doing here?
Rufus: Well believe it or not I’m here to see you.
Lily: Well I have a laundry list of things to do today.
Rufus: It’s about Jenny. Alison’s away at an artists’ retreat and I could really use a mother’s advice. I think I’m in over my head.
Lily: I suppose we could talk about it on the way.

Lily: Really Rufus, what were you thinking? You threw her a surprise birthday party and had her face painted on the cake with a tiara?
Rufus: Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Lily: Yeah well so did flannel and acid washed jeans, but they weren’t flattering either.

Rufus to Jenny: You’ve already lost my trust. Do you really want to lose my respect too?

Lily: We make quite the team.
Rufus: Always did.

Rufus: Angry. Shames. Trust. Girl. Something you want to talk about?
Dan: Who would have thought Scrabble would be so therapeutic. That last one was a triple wordscore.

Jenny: Dad, do you think it would be okay if I joined you?
Rufus: You know there’s always room for you here.

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Woman on the Verge

Rufus: I don’t know if you know this, but you can be a pretty judgmental guy.
Dan: So you’re saying that I should learn to be someone else around her so she can be herself around me?
Rufus: Couldn’t have said it better myself.

Lily: Get out of my way, Rufus.
Rufus: No.
Lily: Get out of my way.
Rufus: No.

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Much “I Do” About Nothing

Lily: Oh my. god.
Rufus: Oh my god.
Lily: What?
Rufus: I just got the call. Lincoln Hawk is hitting the road. We’re opening for The Breeders. I guess that Luscious Jackson reunion didn’t work out. Wait, what was your “oh my god”?
Lily: Oh, nothing. Nothing at all. It’s day. As in Wedding Day. As in, ah, my wedding day.
Rufus: Right.
Lily: But, congratulations.
Rufus: Thanks.
Lily: No, thank you. For last night. It was—
Rufus: Amazing. Lily’s phone rings. It’s Bart.
Lily: That’s what I was afraid of.
Rufus: You want me to answer it?
Lily: You want me to kill you?

Lily: I don’t know what Bart wants, but I have to go. Talk to him.
Rufus: About any topics in particular?
Lily: Well I’m sure I’ll think of something.

Dan: So how long are you going to be on the road?
Rufus: I’ll get the details, we’ll figure it all out. It’s kinda cool, right?
Dan: It’s very cool.
Rufus: Affirmation from my son. This is an historic moment.
Dan: Well last night must have been pretty historic as well, considering when I came home you hadn’t.

Dan: I don’t understand it fully, but the reason Lily stayed away is because Serena asked her to.
Rufus: Thanks Dan. That’s, uh… just thanks.

Lily: Rufus, what are you doing here? I thought we had security.
Rufus: You want them to throw me out?
Lily: Well I’d like the option considering how much I’m paying them.
Rufus: So you want me to leave?
Lily: I didn’t say that.
Rufus: Do you want me to call off this wedding? If you so much as nod “yes” I will go out there and I will tell your fiancé and your guests they have to go home.
Lily: I didn’t say that either.
Rufus: We can figure this out.
Lily: How can we? It’s been 20 years. And I don’t think this is the moment to hash out the details.Look we’ve already had the morning after today. What’s going to happen tomorrow morning?
Rufus: Lil, I just got a divorce. I don’t want to get married again. At least not right away.
Lily: But I do. I’ve been alone for quite awhile now and you know what? It’s hard. And I love Bart. Not just because he has money. I have enough money. Not that you can ever have enough money, but… I’m rambling. And I’m nervous. You make me nervous.
Rufus: That’s a good thing, right?
Lily: There are just too many questions. Too many. What about Dan and Serena?
Rufus: Whatever their feelings are for each other, if we’re standing here 20 years in the making…
Lily: Yeah. Those 20 years have to count for something, don’t they?
Rufus: I think they count for everything.

Rufus: And here we go. Are you sure about this?
Lily: Ask me again and I’ll change my mind.
Rufus: I love you, Lily.
Lily: I love you too, Rufus.
Rufus: Then have a great wedding and try not to trip or anything.
Lily: I can’t believe you put that in my mind. Luckily, I have done this before.

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